How to help your loved one get out of depression
The word “depression” has stuck in my mind lately. It is used everywhere. It denotes a prolonged bad mood and is used in jokes and memes. In fact, when true depression comes to your loved one, for some reason it becomes not funny at all, but rather sad and even scary.
You see the changes that are happening to your partner: nothing pleases or surprises him, he can lie in bed all day, he is not interested in your conversations and attempts to entertain him. And you are simply torn apart by the influx of thoughts and emotions. Are you the cause of depression? Maybe the relationship is over? How long will this last and how can I help?
Depression is a grim experience for a couple. But you can pass it successfully. In this article we will talk about how to help your partner and save your union. We touch on a sensitive topic of mental health, so you should understand that you do not need to blindly follow all the recommendations. Think about which ones and how you can use them for your couple.
Don't take symptoms of depression personally
Most symptoms of depression turn your couple into the complete opposite of a happy union. A depressed person has a distorted perception of reality: even positive and joyful moments appear to him, if not in black, then certainly in gray.
Of course, he doesn’t want to go out, go on dates, talk for hours and have sex. But these are generally accepted indicators of a good relationship. It’s unlikely that anyone you know says: “We have such a wonderful couple!” My beloved comes home in the evening, silently looks at the iPad for three hours, and then goes to bed without saying a word!”
Therefore, having noticed changes in your partner’s behavior, you make the only correct conclusion, as it seems to you: he has lost all interest in you. This guess will be actively confirmed by your friends if you describe the situation to them.
The danger of depression also lies in its invisibility. If a person has a broken leg, he also cannot walk or have much sex, but everyone can see why - here is a cast. We cannot point a finger at our internal state, so we explain external changes to ourselves in the most common and simple way: love has passed. This conviction becomes even stronger if you see that with other people your partner continues to behave as before, but when alone with you he deflates like a balloon. The blog Literally, Darling argues that this is, in fact, a good thing:
Literally, Darling
blog
We almost always take the constant bad mood of a loved one personally. It begins to seem to you that you are the cause of your depressed state. A depressed person cannot behave as usual, much less with close people who know him thoroughly. While among strangers he can pretend for a short time that everything is fine.
Naturally, it hurts you to see how your partner behaves quite normally with others and completely changes around you. But, surprisingly, this is a good sign. This means that he completely trusts you, loves you and allows himself to discover what is really in his soul. If he sometimes tries to push you away, don't be offended, move away, but stay nearby.
Depression can affect a person for many reasons: illness or death of loved ones, one’s own poor health, problems at work, difficulties with relatives or friends. But its symptoms will affect you first of all: he will suddenly become bored of talking with you, he will not want to go somewhere or even watch TV shows in the evening.
If you can’t get rid of the thought that your partner simply doesn’t want to be with you, ask him about it directly. And when he answers that it’s not about you, accept this answer, calm down and begin to solve the problem of his poor moral well-being together.
Develop a plan to overcome depression together
Don't take symptoms of depression personally, but don't ignore them either. Yes, your partner is not showing any romantic feelings right now, but it will still hurt him if you are dismissive of his condition. If your loved one is sick or injured, you do not blame him, but take care of him and help him recover. The same thing needs to be done with depression.
In fact, for someone who is trying to cope with a depressed state of mind, relationships are a huge help. But only if you are moving in the same direction and acting together: you need to understand your partner and take practical steps together. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America offers many methods to combat depression: studying your condition, setting goals, recording results. However, the best treatment method is working together with a loving person.
American Depression Association
Mental health professionals are increasingly recommending couples and family treatment programs. After training with a doctor, a partner or family member can help the patient at home, that is, provide round-the-clock therapy for him. The “family doctor” should be with the patient in situations that exacerbate anxiety and bad mood, and support him, reducing anxiety.
Your partner may not want treatment. In this case, you cannot press him and rush him. You can support, but don't force. You can try to start by looking for a good doctor together or reading articles about treatment. The main thing for the two of you is to understand that you are together and you are moving in the same direction.
If your efforts are frustrated by the stubbornness of your partner, if he rejects your support and is sure that he does not need help, then decide for yourself whether you want to continue to remain in this relationship and wait for positive changes or do you not have the strength for this? But don’t be a drag on your partner; he should only understand and accept that he needs help.
Give your partner privacy
Treatment for depression will always be a mess. It's like letting your cat trample in the paint and then run across the white sheet. It seems that your treatment plan has been worked out in detail, goals have been set, everything is neatly recorded in your observation log, and you are vigorously moving along the right path.
But one morning the patient wakes up and feels hopeless... Everything is bad, so much hard work has been done, but nothing helps, my soul is still empty and terribly sad. It would be better now to curl up into a ball of sadness and renounce the whole world.
This happens, and it’s natural. But at these moments you want to either give your patient a good kick so that he stops being sour, or completely abandon the treatment, because it does not bear fruit. Take your time, one bad day is not the end of the world. Although your love will not be the main cure for depression, it is still important for the patient, says psychotherapist Rita de Maria.
Rita de Maria
psychotherapist
Your love, your presence, your warmth are certainly needed by your partner. It won't stop depression, just as it won't, for example, lower your blood sugar or relieve arthritis pain. However, your feelings can change the “broken” processes in your partner’s head, revive his positive thoughts and increase his self-esteem during this difficult period.
Depression radically changes your normal life. What made you happy ceases to make you happy; what fascinated or interested no longer evokes even a drop of emotion. The presence of someone nearby who accepts this state without judgment or offense is very supportive and even inspiring.
Set boundaries to protect yourself
It is always very difficult to support a depressed person. Sometimes the stress will reach levels that put your own mental health at risk. There is no need for sacrifices like: “I will do everything so that my loved one is healthy.” When helping your partner, set clear boundaries for your presence, do not completely dissolve in his state. Leave time for your hobbies, meetings with friends, and just to be alone.
No doubt you want to help. But you don’t need to subject your life to your partner’s depression; you will pay for this with the stability of your moral state. You can even refuse to be your loved one’s “home therapist” if you realize that this is an unbearable burden for you.
There are other ways to help: remind the patient to fill out an observation log or take medication, encourage him for going to the doctor, or persuade him to attend another psychotherapy session. But don’t put everything on the altar of his illness, he also has to do something.
And this is not cruelty, not a manifestation of unlove. You need to take care of yourself, otherwise you both may end up in a pit of hopelessness. You can be a very loving partner, but if you play with one goal, and your patient does not want to do anything, then this will create grief and resentment that will lead to the destruction of the union.
Allow yourself to speak up when you are unhappy with something, do not be afraid that you will cause a relapse and worsen the condition of your loved one. Of course, some minor griefs can be “canned” to yourself, but be sure to talk about significant grievances.
At the end of this article I would like to write: we hope that our advice will not be useful to you, since you and your loved ones will always be in a cheerful mood. In any case, always remember that everything in life changes, and if you have a dull gray streak, it will definitely end.
Causes of the problem
Men's thinking is in many ways similar to women's, but men are not as intuitive and emotional. In their lives, they are guided by specific goals, which, in their opinion, are a guarantee of well-being in family life. At the same time, they, like women, are characterized by disorders and mood swings. Therefore, to the question of whether men experience depression, the answer is unequivocal - it happens, and in severe forms. After all, representatives of the stronger sex are not good at understanding their emotions; few of them are fluent in psychological defense techniques.
Here are some of the most common causes of male depression, and it’s up to you to decide which of them has dragged your husband into the swamp of the blues.
Lack of balance between work and rest
Our husbands often become despondent due to loss of work, position in society, or unstable financial situation. After all, the biggest fear for a man is to be helpless.
Serious illness
Men are afraid of surgical interventions, especially those affecting men's health and ability to feed their families.
Birth of a child
Often all the wife's attention is switched to the baby and therefore the husband remains deprived of female affection. This is one of the common reasons for divorce.
Changing lifestyle and outlook on life
Depression of a spouse may be a consequence of a midlife crisis or retirement. During this time, men are especially vulnerable to developing depression. There may be a feeling of complete dissatisfaction. Moreover, it can begin not only with negative, but also with joyful events, for example, the achievement of a significant goal.
Analyze the situation, and you will almost certainly understand that the reason your husband fell into depression was one of the above reasons, or even several at once.
When your partner says you need help, you both need it.
Too often it turns out that one person suffers from depression, and his spouse simply does not know how to help him, and therefore often hears only one phrase from the patient: “Leave me alone!” Even if your spouse doesn’t back down: “You need help. Please seek help!” - he again hears the angry “Leave me alone!”
The typical reaction of a depressed person to the recognition that he is not healthy and his condition is getting worse is anger. For some people, admitting this means falling in the eyes of their spouse. They become angry with themselves and others and try to adapt to the new state through avoidance and a feeling of genuine unwillingness to overcome depression. Instead of responding to their spouse's concerns, they explode in anger. It is a manipulative scare tactic to use anger as a weapon. This is a bad strategy: it prevents you from getting help, and it turns your spouse into a victim. This will only make your situation worse. Too often, the result of people not coping with depression is an avoidable breakup or divorce.
Put effectiveness above your personal comfort, above your fear and anxiety, above anything else that may be preventing you from overcoming depression and maintaining your relationship with your partner. As writer Bill Newman once said, “When you stop seeing the goal, you begin to see the obstacles.”
When your spouse tells you that you need help, he or she is letting you know that he or she is affected by what is happening to you. Why harm him (her) even more by ignoring his (her) concerns, simply because you are too lazy to delve into all this? Giving your spouse a voice is very brave of you. This does not mean that you indulge him (her) in everything. This means that you listen and acknowledge his or her needs and his or her perspective on the overall problem. After all, the most important thing is to maintain close relationships and get through difficult times together.
