Breakup is difficult to survive, especially when a man left you, and you didn’t leave him. If you find yourself in such a situation, then now you probably really need help, support and friendly advice. I understand you very well. In this article I will tell you how I myself started living again after a breakup. You will learn how to get your loved one back if you want it. And how to attract another love into your life - a happy relationship with a worthy man.
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Parting is a small death... Or a big one?
Those who have experienced a man leaving know what it's like. And if leaving is also accompanied by betrayal on his part, it seems that it is generally impossible to survive. After all, you sincerely loved him and tried to please him in everything. For example…
- We prepared his favorite apple strudel, although we ourselves were on a diet.
- They practically gave up communicating with their friends in order to spend more time with him.
- Stopped wearing his favorite red dress because he didn't like it.
- You left work because he always wanted to see you at home as the keeper of the family hearth.
Sound familiar? And in the end... the man you love left you, despite all your efforts. I found myself in a similar situation several years ago.
How to get over a breakup
Painful situations happen in life. There was a couple, and there are no more. It’s painful and difficult for both of them, but one of them decided that they would no longer be together.
What do people usually do in this situation... There are 2 common options:
1 – After a short period of time, usually within a few months no more, the partner is looking for a new object for the relationship. And he immediately enters into them and “goes headlong.” Immediately a great love appears, like a young teenager. A storm of feelings, emotions, joy, sexual adventures. It seems that he blossomed after the loss, and suddenly found his soul mate. As practice shows, unfortunately, such relationships do not last long. For various reasons, they fall apart, plunging a person into repeated suffering. It's like an evil fate.
2 – The person gets stuck in their pain of losing the relationship. He doesn't move forward. He doesn’t look for anyone and suffers alone. It’s painful, scary, lonely and very painful, but he can’t find anyone, or rather doesn’t want to, on a subconscious level. As soon as someone tries to enter into a relationship with this person, they feel a “blind wall” that they cannot break through. It’s as if the person is here, but in reality he is not there, his feelings and emotions are not there. He's suspended. As a result, the possible relationship does not work out, and the possible partner leaves the relationship without starting it.
In both cases, the relationship does not work out, the person suffers and suffers, tormenting himself.
The more unfinished relationships there are, the less vitality a person has. It’s hard to work, hard to wake up, hard to get up, energy is constantly spent on restraining feelings and emotions within oneself.
There is a certain cycle that needs to go through in order to free yourself from old relationships completely. Until the cycle is completed, the relationship will fall apart and lead to the same result.
We invite you to familiarize yourself with: Selection of books - books about relationships, 2021
A person who feels great pain and loss when losing a relationship knows how to create attachment and connection. How does the separation stage occur? When the relationship is close, people spend a lot of time together, perform a number of responsibilities towards each other, and count on each other. In the event of a break in the relationship, there is a loss of a large amount of time spent together and a number of functions that the person did while he was nearby. To separate means to take responsibility for your actions. Fill the time in a different way, without the presence of a loved one in your life. Separate yourself from it morally, spiritually and physically. Sometimes it takes a long time to readjust.
Let's move on to the stages of grief, the most difficult process, which people try to avoid by all possible means, so as not to feel the pain of loss, loss, suffering, torment, tears.....
1 - At first the person denies everything. He just doesn't accept the fact that he's no longer in a relationship. This is not the case. Or in the worst case, he constantly feels that a loved one is somewhere nearby, although he is not there.
2 – Anger and guilt. The partner accuses someone of being to blame for the breakup. For example, a girl left because another guy took her away. This means the guy is to blame for their breakup. Or the guy himself is to blame for not devoting enough time to her, earning little, and therefore the blame for the breakup lies with him. Anger at oneself can be so strong that a person can get sick because of it.
Anger in this case can help you separate from your partner.
3 – Prospect for change, moving forward. Hope. A deal with yourself. At this stage the past is released. Possible illusions of a partner’s ideality begin to recede. The illusions of only one's own guilt go away. There comes an understanding of what is given and what is received in return for new decisions. Energy and internal resource appear. The most important thing is that at this stage a person allows himself to experience pain.
4 – Sadness, pain, current.
Many people are mistakenly convinced that crying once is enough to grieve. I let out my tears, I seemed to feel better, that means that’s it, the process is complete. Unfortunately, it is not. Real pain is hard to come by. This is the most important moment in the grief stage. The most difficult and most effective. This stage is best completed with a psychologist who will be in contact and support, carefully guiding the individual and helping her to pull out feelings and complete the processes. At this stage, a person completely gets rid of the pain associated with the loss of a relationship. This stage ends until the person himself stops, realizing that he no longer wants to say anything else, because all the negativity has come out.
5 – State of acceptance. The person is ready to let go of the relationship. He remembers bright moments, with bright feelings. Anger at your partner gives way to sadness.
At the last stage, the person realizes that it is possible to love another partner who will not be like the previous one. The person realizes that no one comes to someone else’s place, because the new person in the relationship will have his own place, something else. This will be another relationship that has nothing to do with your ex-partner.
If people avoid their feelings all the time and do not experience grief to the fullest, they can break down mentally and then physically.
Quite often people get stuck at one of the stages. Not daring to move on to the next thing, without support, afraid to experience strong feelings, afraid that it will get worse. Or not knowing how to move forward.
I recommend going through difficult periods of ending a relationship in a psychologist's office. It will be safer, better quality, faster, more efficient and reliable. The individual will be able to acquire new skills, develop new ways of overcoming difficulties, and discover new opportunities in themselves. Move forward, without looking back at the past.
Every person needs support at different points in life. And a psychologist can become a safe support in difficult times.
My man left me at the moment of truth
I'll tell you everything in order. I was sure that everything was fine with us. My man said that he constantly thinks about me, confessed his love, unequivocally hinted at a future life together... And I was like a naive Cheburashka with big ears on which it is so easy to hang all sorts of noodles. For example…
- Promise to call in the morning, but end up getting in touch only in the evening or not at all;
- Invite me on a joint vacation to the sea, but in fact blame the entire organization of the trip on me, although I had not planned this at all;
- To warn that he is leaving to visit his relatives in the village, where there is poor communication, but in reality, as it turned out later, to spend time with another woman...
There were a lot of similar “bells”, ranging from constant failure to keep my own promises and ending with complete indifference to my desires and feelings. Quite tired of all this, one fine day I decided to clarify the situation with our future together and put an end to the relationship.
This was the moment of truth. It was at this moment that my man... simply disappeared. He scribbled a few words, saying we need to break up, and that’s it!
For some time I simply did not understand anything, being in the deepest shock. I sincerely did not understand how it was possible to say such serious things about love and our happy future, looking into my eyes, and then just merge!
What happened next is something you wouldn’t wish on your enemy. For a long time I did not understand the meaning of what was happening and begged him to talk, discuss and explain what had happened. It seemed to me that I was in some kind of bad dream and would never wake up.
At that moment, I didn’t even think about how to get my loved one back. Instead, I made up a sea of absurd excuses for his actions: that he had big problems that he didn’t want to burden me with, that he was afraid of not giving me everything I needed, that he loved too much...
Apparently, it was so difficult for me to accept this bitter truth that my brain produced ridiculous thoughts as a defensive reaction, and I willingly believed in this nonsense. And she waited. I waited for him to come to his senses and realize everything. I was waiting for her to ask for forgiveness. I was waiting for life to be different - just as I dreamed.
At the same time, I worked a lot on myself, read a lot of literature and listened to various authors who wrote and spoke on the topic of relationships, self-development and personal growth. It was at this time that I learned about the limitless possibilities of our subconscious and the power of thought...
With the power of your thoughts, you can save your relationship and start it over with a clean slate. Without tears, persuasion and SMS. Even if your man has already found someone else. Find out how it works here >>>
Looking ahead, I will say that as a result of my work on myself, the man returned to me. You will find out at the end of the article whether I accepted him back. And now I will share those practices and insights that have worked for me personally.
My entire path to happiness can be summed up in three steps. Do them - and I’m sure everything will work out for you too!
Why does your mind suffer due to breakups?
via GIPHY
Breaking up is a very sensitive process. People don’t decide to break up in a second, but weigh the pros and cons for a long time in order to understand whether their relationship can still be saved.
At this moment our mind behaves extremely strangely. After all, we are not able to concentrate, we are obsessed with the desire to see our former lover again, we feel hopelessness and despair, we think that we will remain alone until the end of our days.
But why does not only our heart suffer, but even our brain?
To get to the bottom of this tricky matter, researchers from Columbia University studied the brain activity of people who had recently experienced a breakup.
Researchers found that the part of the brain that is responsible for physical pain responded when subjects were shown photographs of their ex-partners.
In another experiment, scientists found that the brain's response after a breakup is similar to the brain's response after a person stops taking drugs.
A person's desire to see his ex-partner is similar to the desire of an addicted person to take another dose.
While we were in a relationship, our brain received a lot of positive emotions, which it perceived as a reward, but after a breakup, our mind does not feel pleasant emotions for a certain period of time.
The man left and then returned. But it was already too late
Now let's get back to the story that started my transformation. Almost a year later he showed up. But... I didn’t feel anything. In front of me was an adult man, but I saw him as a weak 13-year-old teenager who doesn’t even know what he really wants.
And how it was cut off. I stopped understanding why I suffered for so many months, and most importantly, for whose sake. It was as if I had gotten rid of a heavy burden that had been dragging me down for so long and did not allow me to spread my wings and take off.
These realizations came to me only after I gradually went through all the steps that I wrote about above. I became different - the woman who loves and values herself. This is what attracted the one who once left.
That's exactly how it works. If you begin to sincerely love, appreciate and respect yourself, you will be able to return the man who abandoned you. And then decide for yourself whether to accept him back or whether he is no longer interesting to you, as was the case in my case.
I radically changed my attitude towards myself, and as a result, my life changed. Now I have a loving, caring man next to me, and we have the same happy, harmonious relationship that I so dreamed of.
What Susan Elliott advises:
Many people are unsettled by an unexpected attempt by a former partner to get in touch after a long silence. Someone is angry and feels as if their ex-partner has invaded their territory - the whole set of negative emotions taken out from the period of the breakup comes to mind.
Before you do anything, give yourself time to collect your thoughts. An unexpected voice from the past after so long is a real shock.
Do not give in to the first impulse, first you need to cope with surprise, and then reflect on all the thoughts and emotions that have arisen from the depths of the past
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After this, the picture will become clearer, and you will remember the following.
1. It doesn’t matter that your ex-partner unexpectedly contacted you and unwittingly violated the “No Contact” regime. It was your firm decision to distance yourself from your ex-partner as much as possible. “Well, let him do what he wants,” you think.
2. Don't become a victim of other people's whims. Take control of your life and don't let a random call or message jeopardize the peace of mind you've worked so hard for. No one should have power over you.
3. Expected communication is not a reason to open your boundaries. You probably have a lot of thoughts after your last meeting, and you will want to express all this to your ex-partner. But remember the rule: write in a journal, talk to a friend, go to therapy.
4. Remember the good reasons why you decided to switch to the “No Contact” mode. You did not do this for the sake of your ex-partner - “I’ll boycott him.” Not to prove that you are right or that you are cool. No, you need it - for the sake of your own recovery and personal growth.
It may take you a couple of days to pull yourself together after he tries to contact you, but you will succeed. Let old, unpleasant emotions overwhelm you, take it philosophically and be patient for a few days. But don’t be led by your emotions - don’t come into contact with him. Remember: you cannot answer calls, letters or text messages. I repeat - it is impossible.
Self-love is the key to happiness
I didn’t realize everything that I told you about in this article right away. It took me many months to put myself back together piece by piece, to carry out a tremendous amount of work to transform my own consciousness and gradually come to the harmonious state in which I am now.
You can shorten this path significantly if you start practicing self-love every day.
You will see that pleasant changes will occur not only in the love sphere. Your attitude towards yourself affects everything - your career, finances, health, mutual understanding with family and friends.
If this seems difficult to you now, take help from mentors. LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF >>>
If a man has left you and you are going through a hard breakup, try the methods that helped me swim safely to the surface and start living again. But with unconditional love for yourself. You are not alone. I managed. You can do it too.
What the author of the book advises
A depressed state on memorable dates is a completely normal phenomenon. You are faced with the fact that a relationship that was important to you has indeed ended. They were left with fragments of past events and a jumble of feelings. Somewhere deep inside you still lurks a feeling of kinship and loss. This is good pain, it means that your mind is processing the loss of something very important.
Man is a slave of habits. People tend to live by checking the calendar and list of holidays. That's how we are made. It is as if we are programmed for dates to have meaning for us as markers of our lives. It turns out that the anniversary of a broken relationship is also a marker, a marker of the loss of a unifying date.
Therefore, people feel the need to communicate with a previous partner on their birthday (no matter whose), even if from any point of view it does not make sense. Before you move on to integration and acceptance, you will have to experience the fullness of feelings in the ritual of letting go.
Working on the ritual of forgiveness and letting go includes exploring the empty spaces on the calendar.
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In place of these voids there were once very important dates for you. Naturally, a feeling of depression arises. Of course, I want to stop this dreary process and push negative experiences to the back of my mind. You have already spent a huge amount of energy on this person, on breaking up with him, on your pain after the breakup.
After all, you have just begun to come to your senses. And you are not at all happy about the prospect of experiencing feelings of anger, sadness and loneliness again. Nobody wants to go back and nobody wants to suffer, but if you fight it, things will get much worse.
Relive all these feelings now and remember that they don't last forever. After the first sad anniversary, you will feel better. Just trust the process and let the remnants of grief spill out.
We invite you to read: How to properly excite a man with your hands: TOP 5 ideas and tips
Don’t let the sadness of your first anniversary, the pain that returns for a while, and the experience of loss take you by surprise. Remember that this is a bumpy but very short road that is absolutely necessary to travel. This path will make you even stronger. While the hours of this “anniversary” grief drag on, do not forget to take care of yourself. Think about yourself today and always.
How to live on
When a breakup occurs, you involuntarily think about what to do next if a nice guy dumped you. However, no matter how trite this phrase may sound, this happens regularly with a large number of girls. Many of them seem to be the standard of beauty, femininity, good manners and charm, but even men break up with ideal girlfriends. To find the strength to continue moving forward, you will need motivation. To do this, get rid of unnecessary things and reminders of failed relationships. General cleaning will help clear your house of clutter and clear your head of unnecessary thoughts. In addition, gifted souvenirs can be broken, giving vent to anger and aggression.
READ How to break up with the married man you love: advice from a psychologist
Renew both your heart and your apartment. Choose a new blanket and curtains, replace the sofa cushions with brighter ones, and lay down a rug. Buy new underwear, update your wardrobe and makeup bag.
Bring new emotions and impressions into life. Girls who have been in relationships for a long time, finding themselves in a situation where their beloved guy left them, do not know how to survive it. Everyday life and habit suppressed their desire to develop and be interesting. It is important to revive the desire for self-realization and improvement. To do this, visit new places, learn the skills you've been dreaming of mastering. New acquaintances and interesting people around will make you forget about what happened faster.
How to increase self-esteem?
After a breakup, self-esteem often drops. A person feels a sense of guilt, uselessness, complexes appear - “what was done wrong.”
First of all, there is no need to look for the reason in yourself and blame yourself for failure. Everyone makes their own choices, and no one is responsible for the decisions of other people.
Options for raising self-esteem:
- change your image;
- go to advanced training courses;
- master new types of activities;
- do not refuse new acquaintances.
But how to distinguish another quarrel from a final breakup?
via GIPHY
There comes a time when you decide to break up. There can be many reasons, but we will consider one of the possible ones.
Flaws that we did not notice at the beginning of a relationship can begin to make us nervous over time.
For example, your partner may have a habit of picking their ears during lunch or dinner.
If you just started dating, such habits may even amuse you, or you may think that this is your lover's thing, that is, it does not bother you at all.
As your relationship progresses, disagreements may arise. For this reason, you will start to notice some strange actions of your partner and they will start to irritate you a lot.
Maybe you were satisfied with this behavior of your lover
, you allowed him to do this and even considered it cute, but now it’s more infuriating than touching.
You will begin to respond more clearly to your partner's various shortcomings.
It is during this period of a relationship that you make one of the most important decisions: to change in order for the relationship to bring joy, or to leave everything as it is.
We suggest you read: How to get over a breakup with a man: how much time does it take?
Partners who are unwilling to change end up breaking up in a big scandal.
Should you regret breaking up?
Self-pity occurs when the relationship has become a habit or the young man was truly worthy. If this is the second option (which is rare), then the feeling may be present for a long time after separation. To reduce the power of self-destruction, you will need iron willpower to be able to overcome your thoughts. However, remember that such strong emotions will eventually absorb, take away energy and will not bring results. It is much wiser to use the resource for your own development.
More often, pity arises for the existing way of life. The girl thinks: “A great guy dumped me. How to live further? But this happens when the beauty has no life and interests of her own. Gradually, she became completely imbued with the hobbies and needs of the young man with whom she was in a relationship. Finding herself alone, the girl does not understand what to do with herself, and this is a sure sign of dependent and consumer use. Complete indulgence of the interests of the other partner is not the norm, since each person has the right to personal space. There is no need to mourn the cessation of sadistic use.
Stages of separation
In psychology, there are stages of accepting the fact of a separation. Each of them must be experienced to the fullest. Depending on the individual psychological characteristics, a girl may need different amounts of time to work through it. Usually one stage lasts about a week, but it has no exact boundaries.
Stages of separation:
- Denial of fact. If a young guy dumped you, either by saying so in person or by writing, the first thought suggests that this is not happening seriously. In fact, the young man threatened more than once, and now he decided to really scare him with a possible breakup. After a while it cools down, we will talk about reconciliation.
- Emotional explosion. Realizing that the words spoken are not a joke or a threat, the girl feels very bad. On the one hand, there is shame that the choice fell on an unreliable person who could not cope with the difficulties and left; on the other hand, the girl understands that her qualities were underestimated, she experiences anger and aggression. At this stage, the main task is to refrain from actions that will harm others.
- Depressed state. After the outburst of anger, devastation occurs. The thought may appear: “I don’t want to live.” Restrain yourself so as not to harm yourself, because there is no benefit from this - the relationship is destroyed, and death certainly will not help bring it back.
- Understanding what happened. The final stage, at which calm behavior returns, emotional stability appears. The fact has been accepted and considered. In the event that happened, there are both negative and positive aspects, which the girl clearly sees.
- The beginning of a new stage. The worries are behind us, and our gaze is directed to the future.
After completing all the stages, the girl feels relieved and is ready to continue life without the young man who abandoned her. This does not mean that she emotionally needs a companion, because perhaps a new relationship does not seem like a good prospect right now. However, there are no more worries about the breakup that happened.
