What to do if a child grows up to be selfish? how to re-educate him?

Why is it bad to be selfish?

Among such people it is impossible to meet those who are truly happy.
Constant fixation on fulfilling your own desires does not allow you to relax and enjoy the ordinary joys of life.

If the set goals are not achieved, a person experiences a feeling of dissatisfaction, anger and irritation. In other words, he determines for himself the boundaries within which he constantly exists.

Belief in the exclusivity of one’s own person leads to constant conflicts with others, including the closest people. The atmosphere of hostility that always surrounds an egoist makes him suspicious and nervous.

He is incredibly vulnerable, because excessive concentration on himself does not allow him to objectively assess the situation around him and the attitude of the people around him. As a result, a person simply does not notice the hostility, irony and mockery disguised by false goodwill.

If you do not stop in time, then a harmful character trait can develop into its extreme degree - egocentrism.

In this case, it seems to the person that he is the “navel of the Earth.” The constant desire to talk only about oneself makes a person a universal laughing stock.

Its significance, as a rule, is absolutely illusory and exists only in his imagination.

Such behavior only irritates and makes people laugh.

It is impossible to have a productive conversation with an egoist, since he will reduce any conversation to a topic that specifically interests him.

How to overcome childhood selfishness: tips for re-educating a self-centered child

By your own example, from early childhood, teach your child to show care and attention in the outside world, and the child should see and feel that you yourself are pleased with it, and not for the sake of profit. If you feel good about it, then he will be happy to copy you, don’t even doubt it.
The same thing should happen to the child, human attention, unconditional love, sincere participation in his interests and life. Be as natural as possible, do not play or manipulate when communicating with your baby.
Your behavior and relationships should make it clear to the child that each family member, including the baby, is a separate person who exists on his own with his own interests, goals, desires, love for everyone, respect, but not to satisfy anyone else. then needs or requirements.
Gradually help him become as independent as possible by encouraging his achievements and results. Rejoice with him at everything new that he has begun to succeed.
Believe in him whenever he challenges himself . He should feel it, see it and know that you support him in everything. But don’t try to do everything for him to help. Just don’t stop him from believing in himself and his strengths.
Make a selection of the right films, cartoons, educational games, so that not someone else, but only you, shapes the moral values of your child.
Never, under any circumstances, get emotional or sort things out with loved ones in the presence of a child! This should become law for you.
Also try to become an example for your child of a non-selfish attitude towards the outside world - do not be indignant, do not judge, react calmly and wisely to people and what is happening. Remember, until the age of 7, he completely copies you.
Encourage your child when he is happy for people, when he shows care and attention to people and animals.
And the most important advice is to watch your behavior and work on yourself first , then your baby will grow harmoniously, in love and proper attention.

Framework of the norm.

Psychologists say that up to three years of age, a child can demonstrate childish egoism, and this is quite normal, since during this age period the baby is only interested in what brings him joy and benefits. He doesn’t yet know how to properly communicate with peers, and he doesn’t yet know how to share. As a rule, by the age of four, children push their own “I” into the background and strive to join the team, make friends, learn to avoid conflict situations, and so on.

Experts believe that even the natural selfishness of a baby should be within certain limits of what is permitted. If the baby constantly makes demands on the parents, throws tantrums, and moms and dads try to satisfy the little one’s desires, this will cause the child to show his selfish side. Even a child under three years old needs to be explained and shown by example what behavior he should have in a group, why he should share, and much more. This will help the child quickly distract from his personality.

Simple rules

Children copy your behavior. You need to start your education with yourself, and only then correct the behavior of your children.

The educational process needs to begin from an early age. Don't miss this moment.

Once children reach the age of initial socialization, Pandora's box is opened:

learn to talk to children. Explain to your child what is and is not allowed. Teach him to clean up after himself, put everything in its place, and not take someone else’s.
Show him all this by your own example. The kid played in the room and scattered toys - explain what he needs to clean up after himself. Praise him when the cleaning is finished.
Teach how to take care of yourself: go to the toilet independently, dress and undress, hold cutlery correctly and eat carefully;
instructive literature and folklore.
Many parents underestimate fairy tales, jokes, films and cartoons that clearly demonstrate the rules of behavior, positive and negative character traits. Stories, songs, and nursery rhymes have long helped to give an idea of the world in a playful way. Now there are even more opportunities to facilitate proper children's psychological development. Don't neglect this. You can compose fairy tales yourself, connecting fictional stories with real ones;
seize the moment. Have you noticed that your child is in a bad mood? Try to talk to him about the reason for this behavior. Find out what's bothering him, or try to figure out a way out of the current situation together.
Even better is to do something together, for example, go to the park for a walk, feed yard animals and birds, or cook something together. Do not forget the timeliness of refusals and prohibitions: the child saw a new expensive toy from his friend and began to demand the same one, and you, as compliant parents, succumbed to persuasion.
After this, your baby throws tantrums at the slightest opportunity, and the answers “no” and “cannot” do not work. Do not allow manipulation, promptly limit the baby’s behavior;
explain how to behave in public places. The conviction of many parents that children bring joy to everyone will be shaken at the very first trip - to the circus, store or theater.
Accustomed to getting everything at once, the child will throw an extravaganza in the toy store, including hysterics, tears, screams, and lying on the floor. To prevent this from happening, gradually explain how to behave in such places.
A long line requires calm waiting and patience from him, the abundance of toys on the shelves is not intended for him alone, birthdays of peers are a holiday for all invited children and, above all, for the birthday boy;
you can't go along with it. Naturally, you love your child, you want the best for him, but you cannot indulge him in everything. This also applies to purchases.
Teach yourself and your child to agree on upcoming purchases in advance. Learn to refuse (and tactfully).
You will buy him all the educational books and toys over time, there is no need to do it here and now, trying to please a child who does not understand the value of money.
Read also: Alcoholic pseudoparalysis.
Remember about development: read with your baby, play educational games, make something, replenish his vocabulary, develop positive qualities through the example of his favorite characters from books and films;
cultivate respect for others. Teach your children to understand other people's feelings and emotions. Let them know that others also get tired, sick, offended or angry. Foster in your children responsibility, the ability to take into account the interests and opinions of other people.

There are a few more interesting articles on the topic for you:

how to raise a child without yelling and punishment;
how to teach your baby to fall asleep on his own;
how to choose a sports section for a child;
the main causes of children's whims;
features of the moral and spiritual education of children in the family.

Signs of selfishness by age

People are naturally selfish: in some it manifests itself more strongly, in others it manifests itself less. The difference in the manifestation of selfishness at different age stages is also visible. Freud, defining egoism, judges by the behavior, actions and attitude of a person who wants to gain his own benefit. Thus, a person strives to achieve his own happiness, regardless of the desires and opinions of other people.

Paying attention to age, selfishness is called:

children's;
teenage;
mature;
post-adult;
senile.

At the age of 0-3 years, children exhibit natural selfishness in order to satisfy immediate needs. The crying of a baby does not mean a demand or an insult, but a sign of hunger, wet diapers or pain.

The little egoist does not take into account the interests and desires of loved ones and strangers, but exalts his own “I”. Freud views children's egoism as the highest degree of egoism, when the desires of one person dominate those of strangers.

Until the age of 3, this is a natural process inherent in all children, but teenage selfishness is already a problem.

3-7 year old children become aware of themselves as individuals, allowing themselves aggression, dissatisfaction, and resentment. They begin to understand that adults can be manipulated and get what they want if they just become capricious or pout. Preschool children, if they hear a ban, cry, throw a tantrum or get offended. If this is repeated constantly, it means that a little egoist is growing in the house.

By the age of 4, children begin to communicate with friends in a group and experience friendly, conflict-free communication. Parents teach this to the child, helping and explaining how to do it right and what not.

At school age, the manifestation of selfishness becomes a stable form, if it has not been corrected before the age of 7. The little egoist treats adults with disdain and is rude. Selfish teenagers experience systematic violations of the rules of behavior and deviations from accepted norms, sometimes leading to crimes.

It is important to teach your child to interact in a team

Manifestation of teenage egoism:

narcissism and the desire to be the coolest and most beautiful among peers;
the desire for self-affirmation in order to become a leader;
protest of “unrecognized” teenagers;
disease of “star egoism”;
rejection of an “unworthy” family as a protection for maintaining one’s own status.
particular rudeness, unscrupulous attitude towards relatives, arrogant and arrogant behavior, boycotts.

If by the age of 15 traces of teenage egoism do not disappear, this behavior will become part of an adult, then turning into senile egoism.

Childish selfishness. What to do if the child is selfish?

“My child is selfish.” Very often, a mother makes a discovery about children's selfishness when her beloved child once again throws a tantrum if she makes a futile attempt not to follow his lead.

Often parents do not realize that they are the ones who have made a lot of mistakes raising their little angel.

They wonder why their beloved baby has turned into a little tyrant who believes that the Earth should revolve around him.

Why do children grow up selfish?

When do we understand that a child is an egoist, and why do children grow up to be selfish? When the baby is still very small, he is, of course, the epicenter of attention of the whole family.

Mom strictly fulfills his every demand and is ready to put all her strength into making the baby feel good and comfortable.

But time passes, and the mother’s behavior does not change, the baby grows and realizes that any of his whims, any of his demands must be fulfilled at the first call, which is why our children grow up to be selfish.

And it’s not so difficult to do this: just cry, stamp your feet, and mom is right there and ready to fulfill his every whim.

She will still justify this behavior by saying that “her little bunny” is still small, that nothing can be denied to such a cute baby, and it is unlikely that at that moment she will think that sooner or later the child will grow up to be selfish. And only after a few years she will face the problem of how to deal with the child’s selfishness.

Why are children selfish?

Any whim of yours, as long as you don’t cry... This phrase often becomes a motto in the lives of parents who overprotect their baby, but is it a logical question - why are children selfish? At first, the child’s requests are small, but one day they realize that they cannot fulfill his whim at the first call and hope in vain that the baby will understand their refusal. This is where the childish egoism that they have cultivated all these years comes in. The child grows up to be an egoist and will not accept any arguments or justifications; his “I want” will come first. Therefore, you should not overindulge your baby.

This does not mean at all that you should not show love to your long-awaited child, it only means that you should not confuse love and permissiveness, otherwise in the future you will have to re-educate your selfish child.

You should not yell at your child, react violently to his tantrums, just say “no” to your baby firmly, be consistent in your decision, and step by step you will be able to overcome his childish selfishness.

Children's selfishness: how to overcome it

No need, I myself... Another mistake of parents who realize that their child is selfish is depriving the child of the opportunity to make independent decisions. Children's selfishness, how to overcome it? Do not rush to help your baby when he is trying to do something on his own, do not shift the initiative to yourself.

This way he will get used to the fact that he should not strain himself in vain, since there is a mother who will do everything for him. And one day, asking your child to help you around the house, you will receive a firm refusal.

To overcome children's egoism, you need to involve the child in everyday activities, but you should not immediately overload him with work, even if at first these will be very simple tasks.

Causes of selfishness in a child

Selfishness first appears in a child at the age of 2-4 years. The baby requires the constant presence of the mother and the fulfillment of all his desires. Demands that loved ones obey their will. It is impossible to come to an agreement with such a child. If his wish is not fulfilled, then there will definitely be tears, scandal and hysteria.

Overprotection of loved ones and excessive attention are the main factors in the development of selfishness in a child. In the overwhelming majority of cases, selfishness manifests itself most clearly in the only child in the family. He is used to being the center of the universe for his loved ones. The whole world revolves around the baby and gradually he gets used to this situation. By school age, a child begins to realize that his interests should be above all else.
Lack of attention also provokes the emergence of childish egoism. A child needs parental participation in his life. If parents simply buy an expensive toy, thinking that it will make their son or daughter happy, then they are deeply mistaken. It will not replace participation in the child's life. This attitude strengthens children's egoism, and can also cause the development of isolation, shyness, self-doubt and failure in life.
Copying parents' behavior. Children growing up in a family consider their parents to be an important example for themselves. If adults are selfish and always put themselves first, then the child will adhere to the same position.

Origin of egoism

Common sources of selfishness in children are:

Intentionally adopting a character trait because of the momentary pleasure derived from it.
Friendship with those who are very selfish.
A strong desire for everything to be the way you want it.
A strong desire to control others.
Excessive use of social media and text messaging.
Obsession with pleasing peers.
Parents' inability to cope with conflict in their child's behavior.
Education in which everything is permitted.
Modeling using the example of selfish parents.
Excessive parental interference in the child's life.
Failure of parents to teach a child a moral code.
Educational experiences that promote selfishness.
Modeling on the example of selfish peers.
Unwillingness to sacrifice something for the sake of others.
Compulsive actions associated with the search for a feeling of comfort.
Denial of a moral code or religious beliefs.

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Advice from experts: what to do if a child grows up selfish?

Of all the existing specialists, I would like to recommend the work of the famous American psychiatrist Ross Campbell

He talks about how parents should correctly satisfy the child’s emotional needs in real everyday life and focuses the attention of all parents primarily on correct, unconditional love. This is the only way you can lay the foundation of everything good and right in your child, and this will bring positive results.

The details of the manifestation of such unconditional love, which he describes in his works: “How to truly love your child”, “Face to face with a child” are not even familiar to most of our generation of parents. Therefore, enjoy reading this brilliant psychologist and many issues related not only to children’s egoism, but also to education in general, will become clear and simple for you.

Psychologist R. Chepalov:

It happens that parents begin to completely isolate the child from difficulties and indulge his desires. They are touched by his needs and are glad that he wants so much. They mistake his selfishness and will for independence. However, time passes, the child grows up, but the desire to share and help does not come to him. It can be very painful for parents to realize that they themselves raised an egoist.

The process of nurturing opposite, anti-egoistic qualities becomes more difficult the older the child is. In general, the steps are the same as for babies. It is necessary to demonstrate to the child a willingness to share with others, ask him to help himself and ask him to offer help to others. Of course, the child may resist: “Why am I giving someone a toy? Why am I sharing the cake?” The child will have to re-explain that this is how the world works, that this is how it is accepted. In some cases, it is useful to tell the child: “You didn’t know this before, we forgot to tell you about it, but now you should know: you need to share with others.” It is necessary to emphasize the anti-egoistic traits of heroes of works of literature and cinema. Encourage the manifestation of new traits in the child: “You did this right,” “Now you’re doing great.”

The process of turning an egoist into a simple, sincere, open person can be very painful. But there's nothing you can do about it. Parents should prepare for the child to resist. Parents need to remain calm, avoid physical punishment, and remain reasonably persistent in getting the child to change.

Psychologist V. Shebanova:

Let me give you some tips on how to work with yourself in order to stop doing for your child what he can already do on his own.

1. Are you familiar with the situation when a mother regularly wakes up a teenager in the morning, and even fights with him about this? Are you familiar with the reproaches of your son or daughter: “Why didn’t you... (cook, sew, remind)?” If so, then it is time for you to gradually but steadily relinquish care and responsibility for your child's personal affairs and transfer them to him. In addition, your child must have household chores, the quality of which is his concern.

We are talking about removing petty guardianship that simply prevents your child from growing up. I understand that at first you may be very worried about questions like: “How can I not wake him up? After all, he will definitely oversleep, and then there will be a little trouble at school! etc.

2. As paradoxical as it may sound, your child needs his own negative experience (of course, if it does not threaten his life or health). Allow your child to face the negative consequences of their actions (or inactions). Only then will he grow up and become independent. Do not force your child to do what, from your point of view, seems right, necessary and necessary for his well-being. Offer him a choice (the more choices, the better). Let him decide for himself what is best for him.

3. Teach your child from preschool age to provide all possible assistance to his mother (father, grandmother, aunt, etc.). When asking about what was new in kindergarten, be interested not only in the problems and successes of the child, but also in his friends: “I was glad to hear about your successes. What's new with your friends? Who has any successes or difficulties?” If your child is attentive to the concerns and needs of his family and friends, responds to their first call, then selfishness has not affected him, and you have a chance to raise a child who will be your reliable support in old age.

Adult mistakes

Children will not grow up to be selfish if they are accustomed to observing family and social rules, when they know that not all requests can be fulfilled. If parents know how to prohibit in a firm, confident and calm voice, the baby will understand that this cannot be done. Already at an early age, a child should be taught the rules of interaction with people and life in society.

What adults do wrong when raising children, which is why they grow up to be selfish:

They consider the baby to be their property, idolize and love them, surround them with a happy childhood, depriving them of independence and not allowing them to develop as a person;
deal with their own problems and interests, without being interested in the lives of children, often quarrel and criticize friends;
impose their own views, interfering with the development of interests and personal views of a growing person;
do work instead of their son or daughter, instead of teaching;
give contradictory examples, violating what was said;
bribing with money and gifts for good studies and completed tasks, they are taught to fulfill requests only for profit and do not teach respect and desire for help;
overprotect children, causing them irritation and a desire to do things differently.

An egoist is a person overwhelmed by pride. In the old days, this was considered an obstinate person of noble birth, although there were also selfish poor people who boasted of this. Now they say about such a person: “He will go far!” He will go without paying attention to requests from relatives and friends for help, becoming arrogant and intolerant.

Some mothers raise their own daughters in a similar way, instilling from childhood that a man should. Must support his family and take care of his well-being, give his wife gifts and always be there. A girl raised by such a mother is looking only for a prince who is ready to fulfill all her desires.

In order not to raise a child to be an egoist and to overcome the causes of the consequences, it is worth raising the little person correctly, setting your own example of kindness and decency.

Communicate calmly with your child, teach him to understand prohibitions the first time

How to get rid of selfishness in a relationship?

How to get rid of selfishness in a relationship? On the path to overcoming selfishness in relationships between people, begin to develop sympathy. When you talk to people, do not mentally evaluate circumstances in your own favor, switch to feelings. Think about what desires you have. Do not subordinate the situation to your advantage, do not put emotional pressure on people. Develop attention, be polite, sympathize with others. If someone close to you contacts you, listen to the person, put yourself in his position. Over time, you can learn to respect the opinions of others and empathize with them.

Live only in the present. Selfishness often develops due to anxiety about what will happen in the future or what happened in the past. Therefore, live here and now

Understand that reality exists only today, learn to do good deeds, what is important to you right now. The rest is just an illusion

Because of it, selfish desires can develop. Give up such desires, enjoy the present.

Don't make excuses. To become better than those around them, people often try to find excuses and explanations for their actions. Such “feats” help people when someone criticizes them. Get rid of emotional needs. Admit that you are an ordinary person. Don't build a defense of your superiority using excuses. Let only the facts remain, try to convey them calmly and confidently. Learn to build a dialogue and end it only when both you and your partner are satisfied.

Understand that everything material is considered temporary. Realize that everything in this world that is given to us is only temporary. The car may break down over time, the clothes may wear out. Are you really devoting maximum time and effort to achieving selfish goals? Understand that it is important that your loved ones, relatives and friends are near you. Everything else will work out for you when you have support and support.

Help your loved ones. Selfishness can feed on our feelings of pleasure that people receive from good. Such a benefit replaces the desire to achieve something new. This is how the life of an egoist who follows material goals advances. If you change, you will feel like a happy person. You will be able to help your family achieve their goals.

Achieve an idyll in relationships by getting rid of selfishness Don’t forget that creating ideal relationships with people is only possible if you can develop adequate self-esteem and get rid of selfishness. Develop an understanding of your importance, but do not exaggerate it. Review your usual scenarios of superiority over your family. When you communicate with someone, do it as equals, respect others, their rules and opinions. This way you can overcome selfishness and create a pleasant environment for yourself and those around you.

How to re-educate children's selfishness

Every parent can eradicate children's selfishness.

The main thing is to be patient and realize that it is better to suffer now than to release a person unadapted to life into life.

Determine your child's responsibilities around the house based on age.

A 3-year-old can throw candy papers in the trash;
15-year-old teenager - wash the floors in the house.

By doing this, you will form an understanding that there are obligations to others.

Build self-care skills. The child must be able to dress himself, eat, make his bed and learn his homework.

Don't over-praise. Praise only for what is done to the best of the child’s ability. This way you will learn to bring things to the end, to be critical of what you have done.

We have a useful article on our website about not overpraising. We recommend reading.

Ask for help. Parents should ask for help not only when they no longer have the strength, but also preventively.

Take out the trash, spend time with your little brother, make a sandwich. This way you will learn to care about others and realize that “they are not the only ones.” Be sure to thank them for your help, this will reinforce your desire to do more.

Less control. Give the child his area of responsibility.

You shouldn't wake up a 14-year-old for school. If he is late, it is his responsibility, which means he will receive a scolding. Next time he'll get up on time. Give him the opportunity to have a negative experience. It is he who creates responsibility.

Talk about your difficulties. Sometimes there is not enough time, money, health. Tell your child about this. Let him learn to empathize and empathize with others.
Expand the circle of your own interests, so the child will understand that the world does not revolve only around him. We advise you to start.
Love your child and talk about it.

A loving parent is not someone who allows everything. And the one who teaches to live and feel happy in specific conditions of possible deprivations, obstacles, and shortfalls.

How to identify an egoist in a relationship?

There are some signs by which you can identify an egoist in a relationship. Here are some of them:

Everything must be subject only to its conditions. He does not accept your rights to independence. He doesn't consider your plans or your time

He doesn't take into account your efforts and emotional needs. Without his prior approval, you cannot spend your leisure time as you see fit.

Your partner will decide where you go, who you date, and what you do. He doesn’t care about your ideas - as a rule, they are constantly criticized or ignored. If you feel all this in your life, there is no doubt that you are being shamelessly taken advantage of. There cannot be a real relationship when one is not ready to sacrifice something for the other or make compromises.

A selfish person in a relationship produces continuous negative emotions. You are constantly neglected, condemned, criticized, often sarcastically, in a word, simply “drowned” in negativity. Isn't this pure selfishness? Warm, trusting relationships cannot be built on such a negative basis. In addition, often such a person does not want to get rid of egoism at all. He is satisfied with everything in this life.

All efforts are only from you. If you do not feel any effort or effort on the part of your partner in the relationship, it means that he is not interested in anything. He seems to be alienated. Please note: if you are the one who does not take time into account to maintain a relationship, spends your money and energy, and your loved one is passive, then you have something to think about - this is how selfish people behave in relationships. If he doesn’t want to spend any of his energy, time, or money to build a relationship, then why should you do all this?

Only you try

A man who is selfish in a relationship does not take your relationship seriously. Your partner never says the phrase: “This is my girlfriend/his boyfriend,” because he does not see anything serious in your connection. If you raise the question of changes in your relationship, then you immediately feel a wave of tension from him or he simply remains silent. From this we can conclude that either the continuation of the relationship between you is a burden to him, or its development is not a priority for him. In this case, there are two options for events: insist on what you want or break up.
You notice flirting with others. There is a category of people who, through flirting, make people of the opposite sex laugh. This will not surprise or upset their partners, because... they know this feature. Only in this case can flirting be justified; in other situations it is usually a manifestation of infidelity and selfishness. After all, a person doesn’t care about your feelings and how unpleasant it will be for you to flirt with someone else.

A selfish person doesn't care about your feelings