How many times has each of us become an involuntary witness to a scene: a small child suddenly throws himself on the floor, knocks on it with his tiny fists and roars at the top of his lungs, and his mother desperately tries to calm him down and take him away?
A terrible picture. It’s even worse when that mother is you. Between 3 and 5 years old, children often throw tantrums for no apparent reason. This is often associated with age-related crises, but there are also more serious reasons. We will tell you why your child is crying and nervous and how to cope with this situation.
The main causes of hysteria
Age characteristics
According to the observations of psychologists, the crisis of 3 years is slowly shifting and more and more children are experiencing it when they enter junior preschool age, that is, at 3–4 years. During this period, the child actively learns about the world and relationships between people, and his social circle expands significantly. He strives for independence and at the same time wants to remain under his mother’s care for as long as possible. Negativism, hysteria, rebellion, stubbornness are an attempt to explore the boundaries of what is permitted and establish your own rules of the game.
In older preschool age, that is, from the age of 5, the child becomes calmer, as cognitive processes come to the fore. Added to the need to be independent is the desire to become successful. Some children experience failures, for example, when completing an educational task or a game, very painfully; this is where a defense mechanism is triggered - hysteria.
Disease
Hysteria, outbursts of aggression, unreasonable crying - can be caused by poor health or a more serious illness - neurosis. Small children cannot say for sure that something is bothering them or where it hurts. Before raising a child, be sure to show him to a doctor - a pediatrician or neurologist, so as not to miss the onset of the disease.
To attract attention
In the first year of life, the mother is with the child around the clock. As he gets older, he just can’t accept the fact that his mother now has other things to do. Even if she spends a lot of time with the baby, this seems insufficient to him. It also happens that when a child is looking for sympathy, you mistakenly assume the appearance of a strict teacher, this also entails the appearance of emotional discomfort in the child.
Double standards
The basic principle of education is the unity of rules and prohibitions. If your mother doesn’t allow you to eat a lot of candy, and your grandmother is ready to buy up the entire confectionery factory, nothing good will come of it. The child is simply confused about what is possible and what is not, and achieves what he wants by all means. Another example, you spent hours explaining the rules of the road to your child, and you yourself run across the road at a red light. As a result, the child becomes irritable, since he constantly has to choose between opposite and externally imposed behavior patterns.
Low socialization
Parents often take care of their only and long-awaited children without any measure. The child quickly gets used to the fact that the world revolves around him, all wishes are instantly guessed and fulfilled. When such a “little emperor” finds himself in a children's group, he experiences a severe shock. For example, in kindergarten - no one rushes around with him, everyone is equal. The same thing happens when another child is born in the family - the first-born fades into the background, because the mother now devotes all her time to the newborn.
Poor family environment
If parents constantly quarrel with each other, this inevitably affects the child’s fragile psyche, because it absorbs the emotions of mom and dad like a sponge. The situation becomes especially difficult if parents begin to divide their children during a divorce and resort to criminal methods. This is an overwhelming test for a child and often leads to neurosis. The child is overcome by causeless anger, he does not obey, and throws tantrums.
How to stop a child from crying for any reason?
Child's cry. Tears. Bitter sobs. Moreover, in a seemingly empty place, at the most, a real punishment for parents, at a minimum, a test. Testing for parental competence.
22 193459 June 7, 2014 at 04:43 pm Author of the publication: Olga Knyazeva, educational psychologist
Child's cry. Tears. Bitter sobs. Moreover, in a seemingly empty place, at the most, a real punishment for parents, at a minimum, a test. Testing for parental competence.
How do parents react if a child likes to cry over trifles? Based on my own observations and monitoring of parent forums, I conclude that there are not so many ways. Another thing is that in most cases, the method of how to stop a child from crying for any reason is chosen intuitively by the parents or taken from the arsenal of old grandfather’s methods. And there would be nothing wrong with this if the main task was not an attempt to find the “switch off button” of a child’s crying, but the desire to understand the true reason for seemingly causeless tears.
Why look for a reason, the main thing is to not cry
In the collection of parental education methods on how to stop a child from crying for any reason, we find: ignoring tears, holding serious conversations on the topic “crying is stupid”, giving positive examples, if a boy cries, then appealing to the fact that “real men don’t cry ", we visit a neurologist and arm ourselves with drugs that calm the nervous system.
Threats and manipulation like: “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll leave you here,” “Stop crying, otherwise I won’t buy you a chocolate bar,” switching the child’s attention: “Look at these elephants,” as well as direct physical violence and punishment complete the picture of enforcement measures educators to solve the difficult problem of how to stop a child from crying for any reason.
Most often, parents achieve their goal: the baby stops crying, however, the price of resolving the issue remains behind the scenes. True, not for long. We will definitely reap the deplorable fruits of our upbringing mistakes, even if we have no idea what was the root cause of the child’s negative life scenario.
As you know, ignorance does not free us from the consequences of ignorance. When we do not realize what we are doing, we do not see the internal distinctive features of the child, then we cannot predict how our methods of education will work on him, how they will affect his psyche. System-vector psychology eliminates gaps in parental knowledge.
A trifle or not a trifle?
Let's start with the basics: all children are different not only in external characteristics, but also differ in internal mental properties. What is not important for one person may be the meaning of life for another person. The life values, type of thinking, and behavior of our own child can be radically different from our own. So, for example, the ordinary loss of an old toy is perceived by some parents as a trifle, tears about which, at the very least, are a waste of time. For a child, say, endowed with a visual vector, the loss of a toy is a real tragedy.
From memories
When I was a child, I had a favorite stuffed bunny, and somehow I couldn’t find it in its place. Either the brother played unsuccessfully and covered his tracks by throwing the bunny into the garbage chute, or the neighbor's children came to visit, but after a long search the toy was not found. My bunny Vasya has disappeared.
“Ah-ah,” I cried.
The parents came to the screams.
- Just think, I lost a toy - what a small thing, we’ll buy a new one.
- I don’t want a new one, I want Vasya!
My parents didn’t understand what was going on in my soul, a girl with a visual vector. It was not just a toy, old and worn, it was my friend, to whom I told my fairy tales, whom I cared about, whom I loved. My parents' persuasion had no effect on me. If the words don’t reach my daughter, then let her sit alone in the room and think, the mother decided.
“As soon as you stop crying, you can go out,” she said.
I sat for a long time, crying not only from the loss of Vasya, but also from resentment. It’s good that my grandmother came to visit, she took pity on me, sympathized with my grief, and gave my parents an order:
- He’s crying, so let him cry. Don't punish her for crying.
Mom began to complain:
- So how not to punish? Doesn't understand words, cries for any reason and for no reason. I have no strength to watch.
- When it grows up, it will stop.
Vulnerable, sensitive children
Children with a visual vector have a special sensitivity and emotionality by nature. They are able to create close emotional connections not only with people, but also with toys. The loss of a toy for a visual child is a break in communication, an irreparable feeling of loss. And when parents make another mistake - they urge the child not to cry, not to worry, thereby causing him yet another psychological trauma.
The correct development of the visual vector implies the development in the child of a sense of compassion and empathy. First - in relation to yourself, to the lost toy, then - in relation to all living things.
Beating a visual child so that he does not cry is a sure way to preserve the visual vector. Switching to something else, distracting, ridiculing what is happening, explaining logically, demanding to stop crying, threatening, intimidating - also means leaving the child’s visual vector unfilled, undeveloped and unfulfilled. Such a person will not be able to become fully happy and, accordingly, give happiness to the people around him.
The visual vector under stress manifests itself in hysterics, various fears and phobias.
conclusions
If you are concerned about the question of how to stop your child from crying for any reason, then before listening to the good advice of others, you should understand what internal mental characteristics your baby has. Before children learn to clearly voice their desires, children's crying is an indicator of the child's well-being.
If a child cries, then he feels bad (physically or mentally). No matter how we ourselves assess the situation through the prism of our own ideas. For example, a baby cries when they change his clothes - the mother may be irritated and indignant at this behavior, because she is changing his dirty underwear to clean ones. In reality, it’s just a toddler with an anal vector who experiences discomfort (cries) from everything new and unusual.
Parents' fears that the baby is manipulating the parents' behavior by crying in order to get what they want, despite the prohibitions of adults, must be distinguished from the child's real need for something. Sometimes children use crying to try to reach their parents, to convey their needs to them, but they are not heard or understood.
As children grow older, their vectors become more clearly visible, and crying for any reason is a manifestation of the visual vector. Viewers tend to “make mountains out of molehills” in order to fulfill their role in society - to create culture, to create beauty, to sing of love.
Children need to be given a chance to develop their visual vector. Including through reading books that give the opportunity to sympathize with the characters through the expression of sympathy for what is happening in life. Calling on the viewer not to cry, not to feel is tantamount to calling “not to live.”
Children are waiting for our understanding, the right approach, then there will be fewer problems with them, or even no problems at all. Join free online lectures by Yuri Burlan, and you will be able to better understand your child, his behavior and yourself, and forget about children's whims. Register here
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Proofreader: Olga Lubova
Author of the publication: Olga Knyazeva, educational psychologist
The article was written based on materials from the training “System-vector psychology”
Why is hysteria dangerous?
Surely, your “wise” neighbors have already told you: “It will pass with age!” But they did not say that with age, outbursts of aggression and hysterics go away only in those children whose parents were able to cope with them. If nothing is done about hysteria and “crazy” behavior, then they get worse with age, develop into very unpleasant character traits and remain with the child for life. Advanced neuroses lead to serious mental disorders, insomnia, loss of appetite, chronic fatigue, enuresis, loss of interest in life, nervous tics, etc.
How to raise a child at 3 years old: girls
Girls develop faster than boys, they are more sensitive and emotional, they are easier to control, but they are also more cunning. The model of a woman for a little girl is her mother; she strives to be like her, to help her in everything. At this age, you can ask the baby to help her mother with household chores: wash a handkerchief in a basin, water a flower, set the table, or wipe the dust.
The daughter sees the father as a man. He influences his daughter’s future behavior in the men’s group and with her husband. Therefore, harmonious relationships between spouses are very important in raising a 3-year-old child. Parents should always tell their child the truth and keep their promises, thus instilling responsibility.
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How to deal with hysteria?
Let your child be independent
Never do for him what he can do himself. When choosing clothes, leisure activities, and menus, discuss possible options together and take his opinion into account. If the requirement is absurd or impossible to fulfill, explain clearly why this cannot be done.
Give up total control and allow your child to make his own mistakes. Gently point to them, show them how to do it right, but he must do the rest himself.
