How to overcome depression after a breakup?

Ending a relationship with a loved one is a serious psychological stress, regardless of whether the breakup was a mutual decision, or whether the partner suddenly disappeared from view. The period after separation is not only a global change in lifestyle, social status, financial situation and established habits. This is a total breakdown of the thinking model, revision of existing stereotypes, reorganization of one’s behavior and the formation of a new perception of reality.

Parting with a loved one causes severe distress and has a destructive effect on the psycho-emotional sphere of the individual. As shown by large-scale studies described in the author's methodology by American doctors Holmes and Rahe (Holmes, Rahe, 1967), divorce of spouses (78 points) ranks second in terms of the influence of stress factors, and separation from a partner took third place in terms of importance of life events (65 points ). It should be noted that the intensity of the impact of a break in personal relationships exceeds the negative impact of such negative facts as imprisonment (63 points), the death of a close relative (63 points) and one’s own serious illness (53 points). This negative pressure on the psyche of irreversible separation explains the enormous importance for most people of having strong, permanent personal relationships. According to Maslow's hierarchy of needs theory, the criterion of “belonging to love” is on the third step in the pyramid of human values.

Most contemporaries, after a breakup, develop a short-term, mild subdepressive syndrome, which is characterized by: depressed mood, decreased performance, tearfulness, a feeling of emptiness, and “heartfelt” melancholy. However, in contrast to this passing blues, some people in the post-divorce period show signs of mental pathology - clinical depression, which often require immediate qualified help.

If a person, after a traumatic event, remains in a depressed state for a long time (more than 3 weeks), interfering with usual activities, negatively affecting physical well-being, forcing him to make adjustments to his lifestyle, then one should think about the presence of depressive reactions. It should be noted that depression after divorce is a dangerous disorder that often leads to suicide attempts.

It is generally accepted that only representatives of the fairer sex experience dramatic breakups, but this is not true. Most men also experience unpleasant depressive symptoms, and many of them prefer to “muffle” their feelings, anger, and resentment with strong drinks, which causes an even more severe form of the disorder.

Depression after breakup: phases of the disease

Depression after a breakup, as a rule, proceeds according to a certain “scenario”, including successive stages of the disorder. The period after separation can be divided into five successive phases.

Phase 1. Shock-numb-denial

In this phase, the first response to the partner’s departure occurs - shock, because often the message about the breakup of the relationship is unexpected and groundless. During this period, it is difficult to comprehend the fact that the loved one has made an unambiguous, final choice: the abandoned spouse has the illusion that the relationship can still be resurrected.

The sphere of consciousness refuses to accept this “unreliable” information, the brain launches rational mechanisms of defense against stress: denial and repression. Even in cases where divorce was a mutual, conscious, planned decision, and the partners understand that further coexistence is impossible, not every individual’s psyche can instantly and unambiguously accept this “right” choice. The state of shock can last for months, which has an extremely negative impact on physical and mental health.

Phase 2. Resentment-anger-aggression

In the second phase, a person realizes that his once loving and beloved partner is no longer in his life. An image of an “evil tyrant” is formed in the mind, causing pain and mental anguish. Resentment and embitterment arise against the former passion, and a desire to carry out “blood feud” appears. The genetically inherent instinct of self-preservation is triggered: if you want to survive, attack first.

Having reached its maximum peak, emotional tension is transformed into aggressive behavior. It is this short period that is characterized by mutual outbursts of uncontrollable rage. At this time, former partners quarrel a lot, sort things out, try to manipulate each other, involving relatives and children in the “showdown.”

Phase 3. Attempts at reconciliation

The third stage is one of the most difficult periods. Under the influence of negative emotions, the concentration of neurotransmitters decreases, and the brain makes desperate attempts to compensate for the deficiency of the hormones of “happiness” - serotonin and dopamine. As a rule, at this time, the rejected partner makes attempts to reconcile with his loved one, tries to restore the relationship and revive the faded feeling.

Phase 4. Apathy-depression

The longest and most dangerous stage: for some people it can last for years. Unsuccessful attempts to return a loved one lead to apathy, unwillingness to do anything, and indifference to what is happening. A person acutely feels his loneliness and ranks himself among the worthless, insignificant, and unpromising. If it drags on for a long time, the state of blues transforms into a depressive disorder, which not everyone can overcome on their own. A person begins to believe that the meaning of life has been lost, his future is nothing but pain, torment, and sadness. He is overcome by despair, and often desires to say goodbye to life. Depressive somatic symptoms appear and worsen, which the individual, in most cases, does not have the strength to resist. With complex drug and psychotherapeutic treatment, “enlightenment” occurs in the patient’s consciousness, and the person enters the final phase.

Phase 5. Awareness-acceptance-adaptation

At this stage, the individual is aware of the changes that have occurred in his life and accepts the events as a fait accompli. A neutral attitude towards the former partner is formed. The individual stops “disturbing”, analyzes his personal history and recognizes that the experienced separation is another step towards becoming a person. Having adapted to his new position, a person has strong motivation to act, an incentive to ensure his future appears, and the body’s hidden energy reserves are extracted.

It should be noted that the duration and characteristics of each of the above phases depends on various factors, including:

• Individual character traits;
• Level of self-esteem;
• Threshold of sensitivity to stress;
• Accepted model of response to stressors;
• The state of the nervous system as a whole;
• The presence of other traumatic factors;
• Reason for separation;
• Age category of partners;
• The need to resolve property disputes;
• The significance of the changes in lifestyle resulting from the breakup;
• Having common children;
• Opportunity to receive support from family and friends.

A man’s emotional state after a breakup: what does it depend on?

Each of us had the opportunity to observe the behavior of men who separated, divorced, ran away from their girlfriends, etc. And so, some guys are heartbroken after such an incident, while others happily dance in clubs or relax and sip strong drinks while watching the next football match . Why do representatives of the stronger sex have such different perceptions of the situation? The emotional state of a man at the time of a breakup depends on the following circumstances:

1. Reason for the breakup. Fate can bring us together not only with our soulmate, but also with that partner who can teach us some lesson. There are such unbearable ladies that after them men reconsider their view of relationships in general, become more patient and responsible (they are afraid of losing a kind and sympathetic girl). If a guy broke up with an unbearable “saw” that sucked all the juice out of him, then he is unlikely to suffer for a long time from such a destructive relationship. And, on the contrary, if everything was fine in the couple, mutual understanding reigned, but, for example, the lady found another gentleman or left for another country, then it would be a sin not to suffer. The higher the quality of the novel, the more intense the pain of loss. A girl who betrayed, shook her nerves, and was constantly dissatisfied with everything is unlikely to be the cause of long-term mental anguish.
2. Who initiated the breakup? Parting is much easier to endure morally if the man himself started this process. Then he realizes that he controls the situation, makes his own decisions and does not depend on anyone. When a woman initiates a breakup, her partner's self-esteem may plummet. He feels abandoned, his male pride is hurt. A representative of the stronger sex is looking for a problem within himself, although he verbally criticizes his ex in every possible way. Self-examination does not lead to anything good; a person withdraws into himself, is afraid to look for a new passion and has a hard time dealing with a breakup.
3. Duration of the relationship. Do you feel the difference: breaking up two weeks after meeting and after 10 years of marriage? The longer we know our partner, the more attached we are to him, even if he literally infuriates us. Having lived with my wife for many years, it is very difficult to separate. You will miss understanding, comfort, your favorite sandwich in the morning, prepared by your wife. Long-term informal relationships are also difficult to break, because the longer a couple is together, the more memories they have together and some customs. After parting, all this is missing, spiritual emptiness comes. A short-term romance is not characterized by anything like that, even if rivers of passion flowed through it. The image of a sultry beauty will quickly be erased from memory. It is certainly easier to survive a disagreement with a girl you don’t know well, with whom you’ve been hanging out for a couple of months.

See also:
You are not alone: ​​how to learn to live with a child after a divorce

Breaking up is not something supernatural. It is almost impossible to meet couples where both people were together from youth to old age. Most men had several affairs before meeting their real soulmate and, accordingly, separated or even divorced. Of course, running away is always unpleasant, but some representatives of the stronger sex drive themselves into depression when they are left alone. In fact, sooner or later the melancholy will go away, because the breakup of a relationship has its own stages, which we want to tell you about.

Symptoms of depression

Depression after breaking up with a loved one is manifested by numerous unpleasant psychological symptoms. The leading signs of pathology are:

• Depressed mood;
• Anhedonia (loss of interest or lack of pleasure in activities that previously brought joy);
• Decreased performance, fatigue;
• Desire to be alone, avoidance of social contacts;
• Pessimistic assessment of the present and future;
• Self-blame and self-deprecation, feelings of uselessness and uselessness, low self-esteem;
• Irrational fear;
• Difficulty concentrating, inability to make decisions;
• Thoughts about death, suicide attempts;
• Changing eating habits;
• Glycoeusia (unreasonable occurrence of a sweet taste in the mouth);
• Hypochondriac moods (too close, unreasonable attention to one’s health)
• Sleep disturbances: insomnia (insomnia), oversleeping, interrupted sleep.

Many people have problems developing addictions: alcohol, drug or gambling addiction. Some resort to uncontrolled self-medication with psychotropic drugs, which can lead to drug dependence.

How to overcome depression after a breakup?

Each specific case of depression requires the development of its own unique “strategic” plan for overcoming the disorder, but psychologists have developed universal recommendations that make it possible to overcome obstacles in life with minimal damage to health.

In the denial phase, the key to success is to realize and accept the accomplished fact, give up illusions and not stay in a fantasy, imaginary world. You should convince yourself that from today your former partner is not and will not be around, and from now on you will have to go through this period of life on your own.

When resentment, anger and aggression begin to appear, you need to change the direction of the flow of your negative emotions. It is strictly contraindicated to be an initiator or participant in “family squabbles” with mutual insults and humiliation. If a meeting with a former passion does occur, you should be concise, convincing and confident that you are right. It is necessary to throw out the existing negativity, but this must be done in civilized ways: run a kilometer cross-country race, pour out your anger on paper, shout your resentment loudly in a secluded place.

When you are in a depressed state, you must not only take prescribed medications, but also apply your own strength to get out of the painful state. To achieve success in the battle against depression, the patient must sincerely desire to overcome his troubles. It is important to maintain the right balance between “mourning” the problem and distracting from the oppressive state. It should be taken into account that attempts to avoid natural experiences will lead to “preservation” of the problem and turn depression into a chronic, protracted course. You can't ignore your desire to cry out your grief, but you should set clear deadlines for yourself to cry, devoting the rest of the time to natural antidepressant therapy. Among the safe and effective remedies for overcoming depression:

• Communication with friends, relatives, colleagues.
• New acquaintances with optimistic people.
• Regular active physical exercise, running.
• Eastern breathing techniques, yoga, wushu, meditation.
• Faith in God.
• Balanced diet.
• Body care, massage, spa treatments.
• Creative activity.
• Mastering new knowledge.
• Creating new traditions.
• Travel, tourism.

The most valuable thing a person gains after going through depression with dignity after breaking up with a loved one is freedom. Freedom to be whoever you are as a person. Freedom to choose your future path in life. Freedom to build his life and future relationships exactly as he considers necessary. Freedom from prejudice about the importance of saving a marriage by any means. Freedom to learn, develop and improve as a person. Freedom from the past!

What can you do to avoid getting depressed?

Experts who help people cope with personal problems have identified several general rules for overcoming depression. The measures are quite effective in restoring a person’s faith in himself and in the future.

READ How to break up with a girl if you love her, but there is no future

List of recommendations:

1. Write down the positive and negative qualities of the second half in two columns. Periodically re-read the column with negative character traits.
2. Find a friend who will calmly listen to all your mental anguish. Talk to him, cry.
3. Look at your ex-partner as if from the outside. Perhaps he no longer possesses the qualities that were attractive before.

It is important to find an activity that will completely captivate you with its promise and novelty. And also schedule your day minute by minute so that there is no time left for sadness.