Jealousy - what is it, examples of manifestation, causes, types

What is jealousy?

Jealousy is a strong, unpleasant feeling that arises in interpersonal relationships due to the fear of losing the love, respect or affection of an important person. This complex and contradictory feeling is associated with a possessive attitude and a reluctance to share the attention of an important person with someone else. As a rule, jealousy arises when the level of trust in him decreases and doubts arise about his fidelity.

In psychology, each participant in a relationship in which jealousy is present has its own definition:

subject of jealousy - a person experiencing jealousy;
the object of jealousy is the one whose attention the subject is afraid of losing;
the object of jealousy is the one to whom one is jealous;

It is obvious that the subject and object of jealousy are always clearly defined, but are not necessarily in a relationship. The object of jealousy can be either a specific individual or an unknown or fictitious potential rival.

Jealousy can arise in a variety of relationships. Most people, when they hear this word, first of all think of jealousy in romantic and love relationships. But you can also be jealous of a friend who suddenly began spending a lot of time with someone else. Children often experience jealousy when it seems to them that their parents are paying more attention to another child. This feeling can even be experienced by an employee who feels that his boss has suddenly started giving more interesting projects to his colleague.

Jealousy is also called envy of someone else's success, despite the fact that the nature of this feeling is somewhat different, since it is not directed at another person. In addition, in the past the word “jealousy” could be used as a synonym for the words “zeal” and “zeal,” but this meaning is now considered obsolete.

For jealousy to arise, two factors must be present:

The need for a certain form of attention (love, friendship, respect, approval, etc.) from an important person.
Lack (or sharp decrease) of trust in this person.

Psychologists note that people with low self-esteem are more prone to jealousy, but this is not a decisive factor. Usually the trigger is some action on the part of a loved one that makes you doubt his devotion (even if the relationship does not initially imply any devotion).

As an example, consider how and why jealousy arises in love relationships. Of course, you can understand what love is in different ways, but in any case it implies the desire to be with a person and share mutual feelings with him. If there is a fear that a loved one may connect his future with someone else, this becomes the basis for jealousy. Typically, such concerns arise if a loved one begins to behave coldly, hides something, or even flirts with potential rivals or rivals.

Examples of manifestation

Jealousy can manifest itself in many ways. And the more irrational this feeling is, the more inadequate the manifestations can be. Most often, jealous people demonstrate such behavioral characteristics as:

regularly checking your partner’s personal belongings, messages and calls on his phone;
the desire to constantly monitor the location of a partner;
excessive suspicion if the partner does not answer a call or message on a social network for a long time;
negative reaction to any communication of the “half” with representatives of the opposite sex;
caustic and derogatory comments addressed to potential rivals;
the requirement to demonstrate love and fidelity;
using blackmail and other manipulations to keep a partner.

It is worth noting that jealousy begins to manifest itself clearly only when it acquires a pathological character. Most people know how to control and restrain rational jealousy.

Reasons for jealousy

Most of the time, people get jealous without even realizing the real reasons for their jealousy. Most often it is caused by such factors as:

Low self-esteem. This is one of the most common reasons for jealousy. A person is not confident in himself, his abilities and merits, and because of this he has to constantly fear that his partner will notice this and prefer someone without such shortcomings.
Personality disorders. Very often the cause is an anxious personality disorder. If a person is constantly worried that something will not go according to plan, then, among other things, he is inclined to worry that his “other half” may leave him at any moment.
Physical health problems. If a person has real health problems, flaws in appearance or problems with sexual function, this makes him worry that his partner may abandon him.
Attack as a defense mechanism. Sometimes demonstrative jealousy can be used to distract a partner from real problems (for example, from their own infidelity).
Age difference. Problematic situations in such relationships often come down to age, causing people to doubt whether they are suitable for each other and to suspect their partners of similar doubts.
Experienced betrayal. It is usually quite difficult to resist this reason, since it often leaves behind mental trauma and completely changes the perception of relationships. After this, the person begins to provoke old problems into new relationships, is afraid of losing his loved one in the same way and is excessively jealous of him for the slightest reason.
Lack of love in childhood. If as a child a person has the impression that his parents do not love him, then as an adult he will worry that he does not deserve love.

Where does the feeling of jealousy come from?

Jealousy and love are two strong emotional states of a person that are not interrelated.

Jealousy is most often directed at a third party, acting as a competitor who is trying to capture the object of the jealous person’s love.

There are certain reasons for jealousy:

Flirting

If a husband or wife likes to be the center of attention at the workplace, business meetings, celebrations and other events, and also shows an open interest in the opposite sex, then this situation may be a reason for jealousy.

Gossip

One of the spouses is not confident enough in the affection and love of his life partner. At the same time, any contradictory information from mutual acquaintances, neighbors and other “well-wishers”, which concerns the fidelity of the spouse, fuels the fire of doubt and causes the development of feelings of jealousy.

Meeting the past

Sometimes situations arise when one of the partners accidentally meets a person with whom he has common emotional experiences: first love, friendship, sympathy, etc. A meeting of this nature causes unbridled jealousy and claims on the part of insecure people who begin to fear that their life partner will again restore relations with a person from a past life.

The wild fantasy of one of the partners

If one of the spouses is late at work or does not return from a business meeting for a long time, then the other half develops a pathological anxiety syndrome that develops into jealousy.

Sense of ownership

Jealousy is a selfish manifestation. Some people tend to believe that a loved one is their property, which can be easily manipulated. They dictate to their other half how to behave, what clothes to wear today and with whom they can contact.

Complexity of one of the spouses

If a man or woman has low self-esteem and lacks self-confidence, then the degree of trust in the partner is minimal. A jealous person believes that he is unworthy of his life partner and constantly accuses his other half of infidelity.

Attention deficit and sexual dissatisfaction

Scenes of jealousy arise due to the fading sexual activity of one of the partners and constant suspicions of infidelity. The situation can get worse if the husband or wife demands 100% attention to themselves.

At the same time, the appearance of new acquaintances is perceived by the other half very painfully, followed by scandalous statements and quarrels.

Types of jealousy

There is nothing unnatural about jealousy. All animals in which a female and a male create permanent pairs to jointly care for their offspring have mechanisms similar to jealousy. Males need this to ensure that they raise their own young, and females need it to avoid the male leaving for another female.

Thus, jealousy is a natural mechanism that arose in the process of evolution and turned into a very strong feeling in people aimed at protecting important relationships. And yet, jealousy can manifest itself in different ways in different people, and it does not always retain its natural character.

Psychologists distinguish 4 types of jealousy:

Reactive. This jealousy is sometimes also called “healthy”, since it arises for a very specific reason. For example, if your significant other flirts with one of your friends, you will naturally experience reactive jealousy.
Retroactive. This is jealousy of the past. It manifests itself in the fact that a person begins to show an unhealthy interest in the past of his partner, asking about exes, looking for old photos on social networks and tormenting himself with corresponding thoughts. Typically, retroactive jealousy is associated with self-doubt. Therefore, there is only one way to get rid of it - to increase your self-esteem.
Anxious. This is the painful experience that your soul mate may leave for someone else in the future. Anxious jealousy is usually unfounded and over time can lead to neurotic disorders.
Preventive. People prone to preventive jealousy usually exert tyrannical pressure on their partner, suspecting him of infidelity for every slightest reason. Typically, this form of jealousy makes happy relationships impossible.

Psychologists believe that only two types of jealousy can bring certain benefits to relationships: reactive and anxious. The first reminds loving people that they are important to each other, and the second often becomes a reason to work on themselves. Both men and women, under the influence of anxious jealousy, pay more attention to their behavior and manners, take care of their appearance, play sports and other useful activities.

There are other ways of classification. For example, according to the degree of influence on the psyche, all types of jealousy can be divided into two types:

Behavioral (or “healthy”). A person maintains adequacy and behaves with restraint, but becomes jealous when there is a reason.
Clinical (pathological). This is a painful doubt about a partner’s fidelity, often without cause, which leads to quarrels and gradually destroys the relationship.

Sigmund Freud proposed a classification including 3 types:

Competitive - based on hostile feelings towards the opponent.
Projected – arising from doubts about one’s own loyalty.
Delusional – based on one’s own interest in a potential rival.

In modern psychology, another classification of three types is used:

Rational. This form of jealousy occurs when there is good reason.
Irrational. This form is based on assumptions and is explained by the presence of complexes and mental trauma (for example, associated with deception by another loved one in the past).
Delirium of jealousy. Unreasonable jealousy associated with mental disorders and taking the form of mental pathology.

Negative consequences of jealousy

As noted above, healthy jealousy can have some benefits by refreshing the relationship, motivating partners to develop themselves, and reminding them of how important they are to each other. But as soon as jealousy becomes excessive, it can poison even the most sincere and noble feelings.

Jealousy strains relationships, destroys trust, and causes accumulating irritation. Each of the partners lives in constant tension, waiting for the next scandal, which is why people in love are increasingly moving away from each other, and their feelings are gradually fading away, causing additional pain.

In addition, jealousy causes frequent quarrels that a child can see. As a child, it is difficult for him to understand the reason for them, so he may take it personally, thinking that his parents are fighting because they no longer love him. This causes immeasurable damage to the child's psyche. A child who witnesses such scenes will most likely grow up to be a jealous person, unable to trust even his loved ones.

The unconscious desire of people to “revenge an insult” should also not be underestimated. It manifests itself most strongly in children who do something “to spite adults” after they have been wrongfully accused of something. Adults have similar aspirations. And even if the other half has not had such thoughts before, then after erroneous suspicions of infidelity, she may take such a step to spite the jealous person.

Thus, jealousy, which turns into real suspicions and reproaches, always has a destructive effect on relationships. In most cases, it makes both partners unhappy and alienates them from each other. And each scene of jealousy becomes a serious test for both and a blow to the nervous system, provoking the development of psychosomatic diseases and mental disorders.

What does a jealous person look like?

A person who does not trust his partner can be identified by the way he behaves. Experts in the field of psychology have identified the following signs of jealousy.

A jealous person is overly suspicious. This kind of person always needs to know where his half is. Jealous people call, write endless SMS in order to find out the location of their beloved. He checks his phone and his other half’s social networks, so that God forbid that an unknown object appears there. Any unplanned trip to a store or even a utility service, any unknown phone number in the log of incoming/outgoing calls will be perceived as a probable fact of betrayal. It even gets to the point where the despot sets his own rules: he forbids communicating with old friends, colleagues outside of work, or going out for a walk with acquaintances.
Accusations are baseless. The object of jealousy is always guilty of absolutely all sins. And it doesn’t matter whether they are real or imaginary. Even if the unfortunate soulmate has not done anything reprehensible, the wild imagination of the domestic tyrant still manifests itself, which will find evidence of her infidelity. Moreover, it is not easy to dissuade such a person. If he said that his partner is cheating on him, then it is so.
Overly aggressive. The most dangerous manifestation, since he not only reproaches and persecutes a loved one, because of any doubt he can use physical force against the object of passion. This kind of jealous person can destroy the life of a person whom they love madly. They cannot assess the situation sensibly: rage seems to cloud their eyes when these madmen imagine their other half being betrayed. They cannot properly assess the situation.
He starts scandals. In this case, each person throws tantrums in his own way. Some people prefer to make a jealous scene in a public place, in front of relatives, friends, co-workers or neighbors. And others defiantly leave, stop talking, and limit their intimate life.

You should not take the behavior of a person with the listed signs lightly. Jealous people can be very dangerous, because when in a state of passion, they are capable of committing brutal and unpredictable acts.

How to get rid of jealousy?

As with other destructive habits, recognizing that there is a problem and needs to be solved is the first step to success. The fact is that most people are not inclined to think about their participation in the development of this feeling, but prefer to blame their partner for everything. But it is important to be able to take responsibility and recognize that we ourselves create our own doubts and experiences, interpreting the behavior of our “half” in a way that is convenient for us.

If you are experiencing jealousy and want to get rid of it, here are some effective recommendations:

Use positive emotions. Whenever painful doubts about your partner creep into your head, remember some pleasant moment that makes you feel joy, gratitude and confidence about him.
Eliminate activities that do not strengthen the relationship. Obviously, the desire to completely control a partner and limit his communication with all potential rivals does not benefit the relationship. Learn to avoid these destructive actions.
Stop comparing yourself to others. The main problem with such comparisons is that a person usually focuses on his shortcomings rather than his advantages. Remember that your “half” has already chosen you, which means he has accepted your shortcomings.
Work on your fears. The fear of being alone is an important reason for jealousy, and by getting rid of it, it will be much easier to fight jealousy. Therefore, no matter how strange this recommendation may sound, you need to prepare for separation. There is no need to break up or strive for it, you just need to be ready. Work on your self-esteem, make new friends, find a hobby, join a gym or take a training course. And as your self-confidence increases, you will notice that jealousy no longer poisons your soul as much as before.
Work to improve your relationship. First, start avoiding conflicts, because they don’t change anything for the better. Pay more attention to your partner's wishes (ask, for example, how he would like to spend the weekend). Make sure everything is fine in your intimate life.
Always be honest. If a person considers lying acceptable, then he begins to deceive other people even in small things, without really thinking about it. At the same time, he believes that everyone does the same, so he stops trusting even close people. This is why honesty is so important. Try to never lie to your partner about anything, and the level of trust between you will increase.
Learn to forgive. Resentment is one of the most toxic feelings. It can poison thoughts and feelings for many years. It happens that loving people, despite the fact that they have been together for many years, cannot forgive each other for some offensive situations that occurred during their school years. But jealousy of the past, as we found out above, makes no sense, so you just need to forget such situations.

If you are in a situation where you are unreasonably jealous, and your partner is not trying to do anything about it, keep in mind that jealousy itself does not go away. Talk to him, show him the tips listed above, suggest visiting a family psychologist. If he categorically refuses, perhaps you need to prepare now for the fact that the relationship will collapse on its own.

What methods do doctors use to treat morbid jealousy?

Pathological jealousy is difficult to treat. Therapy is preceded by the doctor’s determination of the psychological, social and biological characteristics of each specific patient. The greatest successes in therapy can be achieved with the help of psychopharmacotherapy: specific neuroleptics, mood stabilizers, neurometabolic therapy, sedatives. Psychotherapy and physiotherapy are used in combination with medications. Isolation from the familiar environment (for example, hospitalization in a hospital) can have a positive effect on the prevalence of ideas of jealousy.

If you or your loved one exhibits the symptoms described above, please contact us. We provide psychological assistance and, if necessary, treatment of pathological jealousy.