“I am constantly afraid for my child, help!”

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“I am constantly afraid for my child, help!” - mothers write on parenting forums. The “symptoms” are approximately the same for everyone.

“I’m afraid of swings and slides on a walk, I’m worried that I’ll fall off the sofa, I don’t go far so that I can catch him at any moment.”

“I’m afraid of incurable diseases, that doctors will miss some important diagnosis. I constantly take my daughter for examinations and read articles on the Internet. My husband even took the TV out of the house and stopped paying for the Internet.”

“I’m terrified of other people’s blood, I don’t go to the clinic with my child for tests, I don’t take my child to the dentist, and if this cannot be avoided, I closely monitor the instruments.”

These are just a few of the “horrors” that worried mothers share with each other. The leitmotif in their confessions is: before the birth of the child, I was not such a “crazy person.”

And then, as an excuse: I'm just trying to protect my child. Vera Yakupova about what child protection actually is, and what can be protected from and what cannot . Anxious, controlling and calm mothers tell their stories.

“The idea that we can control everything is an illusion”

Vera Yakupova.
Photo: Pavel Smertin “First of all, I’ll hasten to reassure mothers: it’s normal to want to protect your child! It is our basic need to protect those who are dear to us.

Now let’s figure out what we can protect a child from, what we can’t, and what to do about it all.

Today our reproductive life has changed: we do not give birth to many children, it happens later and more meaningfully. The value of motherhood and a child increases. Accordingly, we pay more attention to this - what is right, what is best.

There is a common joke: today, being a parent means taking care of education, building a good relationship with your child, developing empathy in him, taking him to English, teaching him about sports, and so on and so forth. What did it mean to be a parent 100 years ago? Just feed the baby sometimes. I think this perfectly illustrates everything that is happening now.

Our society is becoming child-centric. And without any excesses, then this, in my opinion, is an indicator of the value of human life. Never before in all of human history has life, especially children's, been valued as highly as it is now. It’s interesting, by the way, that it’s still difficult for us to value our lives, but we’ve already learned to protect our children’s lives.

Many mothers, coming to me for a consultation, say: I’m fine, but I don’t want this to be passed on to the child. That is, it is still difficult to take care of yourself, but it is easier to take care of a child. When practicing a skill, it is always easier to first train it on someone else, and then on yourself.

So caring for children is a very good “symptom” of our society. This suggests that, overall, the value of human life is increasing.

But there is also another side to the coin. Yes, today we have sufficient information, we know a lot about risks, dangers and ways to overcome them. We are quite competent in ensuring physical safety: medicine is now developed, there are various devices - window plugs, car seats, smart watches with GPS, and so on. We know a lot about psychology, we try to protect the child from mental trauma.

But at the same time we forget that man is not omnipotent. These are the rules of the game, this is how our world works: not everything depends on us. This is reality, and we have no other.

And here is an interesting point. When we try to control everything, to be responsible for everything and everyone, it seems to us that we are super adults, we are responsible. But in fact, this is an infantile position. We really want to completely control the world, but this is not given to anyone.

Maturity consists precisely in accepting one's own limitations.

Attributing responsibility to yourself for everything is a heavy burden; it can seriously neuroticize, provoke guilt and anxiety. Often this is characteristic of good parents - educated, thoughtful, socially successful. This is one of the sides of the “excellent student syndrome.”

Since our Soviet childhood, we have become accustomed to hearing: try hard, and everything will be fine.
But in reality, life gives no guarantees. “When the youngest was born, I was overwhelmed” Alena Furman, two children, 3 and 13 years old: “When my eldest son was born, I was still too young and didn’t worry about anything. We easily survived bruises and bumps, colds, and chickenpox. Even the fact that until the age of three my boy hardly spoke did not bother me too much - after all, then everything got better. But when my youngest was born, I was overwhelmed. I am afraid of everything and almost constantly. Over the past three years, I called an ambulance for my baby 6 times. I get up at night to listen to his breathing. My son scalded his hand with tea - I bought a year's supply of anti-burn dressings - just in case. A street dog bit me - now we go around everyone, even the smallest and most domestic ones. We screwed all the furniture to the wall, put caps on the windows, removed sharp objects and household chemicals. But the problem is that my youngest son is a friend with an awl, so he still manages to create a problem out of nothing. Once in a dream he picked his ear until it bled - it was like a war movie. Then I barricaded myself in the bathroom and had to call the Ministry of Emergency Situations and break down the door. At some point I said to myself: “It won’t be possible to protect him from all dangers.” True, in terms of anxiety, this did not help at all - I still worry. At the same time, I began to worry about the older one. It irritates him terribly, but I still worry. My confessor told me that I need to trust God, but so far I’m not doing well at that either...”

Root causes of overprotection

If you understand the essence of the problem, you see that excessive worry about your child is destroying your life and his, this is already a positive trend.

Now you need to delve into yourself to understand why you behave this way. Among the initial reasons for excessive guardianship are the following:

own childhood fears;
past loss of a child;
late birth;
problems in family life;
diffidence.

Our behavior with children is often influenced by our own memories from the past..

If the baby’s mother was afraid of dogs in childhood, now she transfers these fears to her own child, protecting him in every possible way from four-legged pets.

Seeing a dog on the street, even if it is walked on a leash by its owner, a woman panics. In this way, you cultivate new fears in your baby.

Cases where the child is late in the family and long-awaited require special consideration. His birth becomes the main goal in a woman’s life.

In relation to these children, you can hear the phrase - “She (mother) gave birth to him for herself.” Such a manifestation of parental selfishness leads to overprotection.

If a woman gives birth to a baby, fulfilling an old dream, she will care for and cherish him, without thinking about what consequences this will lead to.

Women suffer more often from such behavior, because their attitude towards their own children is radically different from men’s. If the father is subject to overprotection, only a competent psychologist can solve this problem.

“The child was given away, but they forgot to include the instructions”

When is the alarm triggered? Differently. Some say that they felt fear already in the maternity hospital with their first child, while others complain that given the large age difference between the children, they “went crazy” only with the younger ones.

This is connected not only with the mother’s age - they say that in their youth everyone is careless. This is also an indicator of how society’s attitude towards motherhood has changed over the last 10-15 years, how demands are growing.

But in general, when a child is born, we have a significant person whom we are afraid of losing. When this is the first experience, the mother often feels that she was given a child, but they forgot to attach instructions to it. This device is very fragile, she is afraid of breaking it, does not know how to use it, and there are not even any hints on how to find out - what to do?

In modern society, the transfer of knowledge from the older generation to the younger one no longer works as it did before. Then there were prepared templates for actions, including caring for the child. The world is becoming more complex and changing rapidly. Now parents often know more than grandparents.

You have to try, improvise, look for information, develop your own parental path, based on your values. It's not easy and it's worrying.

How to stop worrying

In order to minimize your anxious thoughts about your own child, you need to realize a few important things.

Children initially have a very strong well-being mindset . From birth they have a strong connection with their Source (Inner Being). They came into this world, just like us, to live and enjoy life.

But if we have already forgotten about this, then they have not. And therefore they always naturally (in other words, instinctively) strive for good - health, joy, good mood . That is why, if they get upset, it is not for long; if they get sick, they recover very quickly and treat the illness lightly.

They have a very strong natural well-being mindset. And only the child’s environment, which has long forgotten why we are here and has lost contact with the Source within itself, which considers the world full of dangers and children as defenseless against the problems of this world, “knocks down the child’s mood for the good” with their fears and anxiety.

He literally absorbs negative thoughts and feelings of fear from mom and dad, and begins to attract more and more unpleasant things into his reality. If children were not confused by the moods and thoughts of those around them, which are far from harmony, the children would be healthy and feel great.

Therefore, as soon as you realize that you are worried, thinking about something unpleasant about the child, try to shift your attention to another topic that is pleasant for you . Try to distract yourself with something pleasant in order to feel an improvement in your emotions.

Avoid thoughts about what initially caused your anxiety - do not attract even more unpleasant things.

You may find this difficult at first. But with practice, you will begin to pay less and less attention to restless thoughts and fears, because you will come to realize their uselessness.

Remember, the more you think about the child’s well-being, imagine him healthy and prosperous, you will thereby allow him to return to his natural state of well-being. At the same time, your mood will also improve.

In addition, your relationship with your child will improve. After all, next to you he will feel comfortable and joyful, thanks to your harmonious thoughts about him .

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"Fear sells well"

Mom is looking. And often he finds something frightening. She is additionally neuroticized by doctors who are ready to prescribe tests, medications, and procedures. Because once the patient has arrived, he must be treated.

Psychologists add fuel to the fire. How many articles have already been published with the headings: “5 phrases you should not say to children”, “10 actions that will cause injury to a child” and so on.

It's coming from everywhere: be careful, parent! One step to the right, one step to the left, and you'll ruin everything! Information plays a big role in the formation of our anxiety. It’s not for nothing that they say: “The less you know, the better you sleep.”

An interesting fact: when I asked mothers after giving birth about whether their children had any health problems, the vast majority, several hundred people, answered “yes” and named, in general, things typical for babies - colic, regurgitation and so on. These are simply stages of development, but they are perceived as difficult and cause anxiety. The stage for fear is ready.

There is too much information today. And on the one hand, this is good - we are warned and armed. For example, recently the Lisa Alert search team began to actively inform that children can die in cesspools. We can take this point into account, avoid such pits, close them, and keep an eye on our children.

But sometimes the news filter is tuned to such disturbing content that it feels like horror is everywhere. Remember the story about the nanny who cut off the child's head?

If you think about it, statistically this is one case in millions, but it sounded so vivid, and in itself it is so scary that my mothers still tell me: we are afraid to hire a nanny, what if something happens? It is clear that the risk of getting hit by a car, for example, is much higher than having the nanny cut off her head, but people are afraid.

Fear sells well. Journalists understand this, “an incident with children” is clickable. At the same time, of course, words are heard that it is necessary to disseminate important information.

It's just that people treat it differently.
Although some people are scared, it doesn’t last long - so I checked everything I could do about this, corrected it and calmed down. And an anxious person simply cannot get rid of these thoughts, even to the point of health problems. “Anxiety grew with the number of children” Svetlana Sokolova, three children, 3, 7 and 11 years old: “With my third son, I became hyper-anxious, because I simply have more experience. Although it seems to me that I am very rational. I love instructions and rules; in my family we try to follow them. When a two-story bed appeared at home, we immediately agreed that the youngest would not climb onto the “second floor.” As a result, the middle son one day, caught on a support, fell from a height and broke his arm. And the youngest fell off the scooter and also broke his arm. After that, I studied all the surrounding roads, and if I know there are potholes, we won’t go on scooters. When children get sick, I try to read about the illness in detail. Once this helped save the life of my youngest son: after chickenpox, he developed meningitis, and fortunately, I knew that such complications could occur, and we managed to quickly call an ambulance. To be able to help my children, I took first aid courses. And at some point I even dreamed of learning how to intubate myself - in case there were difficulties with breathing. My husband laughs: you could! Am I worried? Constantly! But I tell myself: do what you must, and come what may. I believe that it is still impossible to remain inactive.”

Fear for a child - how to cope?

As the child grows up, he learns about the world in motion. For mothers, this period is often even more hectic than infancy. What if he falls, breaks, eats something inedible, gets sick, and so on - you need an eye and an eye! And if there is also self-flagellation: I overslept, didn’t pay attention, shouted - that’s it, I’m a bad mother (here we go!), then it’s not far from neurosis. There are many ways to deal with anxiety.

Express your feelings. In the company of a loved one, you can scream and cry. Sympathy, encouragement, even the silent embrace of another bring significant relief. Talking through your worries and fears is a huge step towards overcoming deep-seated problems. In the absence of a vest to cry on, you should distract yourself by watching a good comedy, or get stuck in a ladies' series, forgetting about everything. Just don't watch the news, please!

The fear of sending a child to kindergarten or developmental education is associated with concern that the baby will be treated poorly. To tell you a secret, my mother is not mentally ready to part with him. But since you still have to do this, I advise you to talk to the teacher, look around, find out the reputation of the educational institution, talk to other mothers and, of course, prepare the little man himself for a new stage in life.

At school age, the fear of unjustified expectations of parents comes to the fore. Wrong friends, wrong grades at school, wrong goals in life. Everything is not as mom and dad dreamed. Downtrodden children who try to fit in end up with nothing but straight-A student syndrome and nightmares. Understand in advance that your child does not have to live according to your plan. This will help avoid disappointment in the future. It is important not to lose contact and good relations with him, especially during the difficult teenage period.

The little one is growing up, but mother’s fears go along with him (i.e., they don’t stop)? Then we look for deeper reasons, perhaps with the help of a psychologist. You should seek psychological support if:

there is constant fear for the child - you can’t remember a day without anxiety
physical symptoms are noticeable - rapid heartbeat, pressure surges, indigestion
impossible to relax
anxious thoughts are uncontrollable, more like an obsessive state
lack of healthy sleep - difficulty falling asleep, frequent awakening, early rise due to anxious thoughts

If the world has become unkind and life has lost its color, then your anxiety has reached a critical level. Do not hesitate, do not put off visiting a specialist. With the help of psychotherapy, you can learn to cope with anxiety, become stronger, and find inner harmony. You may also need medical consultation to identify hormonal and other health problems and successfully restore strength.

Don't be patient! Make your children a happy mother! Fear and anxiety are something that can and should be worked with. Constant worry quickly exhausts the body's resources. You get tired quickly, grow old quickly and burn out emotionally. Your efficiency drops: instead of generating ideas to improve your own life, you are constantly looking for ways to protect the life of your child.

In addition, anxiety can have a destructive effect on your baby. He will simply become infected with your anxiety, and this will negatively affect his emotional development, ability to learn from his mistakes and not give in to difficulties. You may find the article “What to do if your child is afraid of everything” useful:

“There is always a variable X that does not depend on me”

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There is nothing wrong with fear itself, as long as it works the way nature intended. In control too, if it is not hypertrophied.

Each of our emotions has its own role. Anxiety and fear have a protective function; they warn us of danger. It's normal to feel them and then take steps to protect yourself.

A healthy mechanism is to be afraid of heights and move away from the edge of the abyss.

But when this ceases to be a protection, but becomes something that interferes, stops you, if it worsens the quality of life, and prevents you from doing your business, there is a reason to turn to a specialist.

But if anxiety or fears become obsessive, spin around in your head non-stop, you can’t sleep, you can’t let your child go for a long time - in a word, when they interfere with your life, this is not normal. Sometimes this can indicate depression.

You cannot “hide” your worries and fears from yourself. When we come up with instructions for ourselves and our children for all occasions in life, we try to foresee and predict everything, we are hiding our real emotions in a distant drawer.

It is more productive to interact with them openly. Tell yourself: yes, it is normal to feel worried about your child. Yes, at times I feel helpless, but this is also natural.

It is useful to draw in the form of a pie chart what depends on me and what does not depend on me. You need to focus on what you can do. I carry out my program, my area of responsibility, and the rest is as God willing. I just remember that there is always some variable x that does not depend on me.

"I knew it"

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It happens that a mother finds herself in a vicious circle of anxiety: she seems to be waiting for the next incident, and when this happens, she triumphantly says: “I knew it.”

It seems that the child is ready to respond to her expectations - as if he is deliberately throwing up all sorts of reasons for concern. What can you do here?

If the anxiety is situational - in response to some incident that happened to the mother or in her immediate environment, the child has nothing to do with it, the mother needs to work with a psychologist.

For example, the mother of a child with allergies once saw him have a severe attack, and now she is trying to protect the child in every possible way. A psychologist will help you understand what is behind these fears.

If anxiety is a character trait, everything is more complicated. Yes, sooner or later something will definitely happen, but you can approach it differently. Someone will say: it happens, but someone will take what happened as proof that they were right: “I told you so, I knew it!” And then the mother “needs” the anxiety, and she will not fight it.

What should you remember? Our anxiety can stop a child's initiative. If there is danger everywhere, he picks it up and begins to be afraid himself, and does not take the initiative.

Therefore, if even a small incident with the baby increases the mother’s feelings of guilt and anxiety, this is a reason to work with a psychologist.

For those who cannot yet do this, there is the sos-method , which was invented by the Viennese psychologist Viktor Frankl, who worked with obsessive states.

Frankl suggested bringing your fears and anxieties to the point of absurdity, not avoiding them, but, on the contrary, immersing yourself in them as much as possible. At some point a fracture will occur and the tension will decrease.