What should I do if my husband cheats and lies? Everything seemed fine in your family. Against the general background, that’s true. We lived like everyone else lives: sometimes we quarreled, sometimes we made peace. But everything is somehow light, at minimum wages. My husband didn’t beat me, didn’t humiliate me, money was fine. Over time, sex has become not very good...So it’s not the main thing in life. But there is stability and children grow up in a complete family.
And then my husband forgot to lock the phone. I didn't even have to look specifically. He buzzed when the message arrived. A preview with a dubious photo or text that makes you think appears. Still: “I want you, my superhero!” The boss rarely writes.
Immediately a whirlwind of emotions: should I start a scandal now or sort it out? And if everything is true: endure or leave? What about children?
1. How to understand that a relationship is at risk
It's time to worry if your husband:
- set passwords on your phone, computer, social networks;
Couples who have been in relationships for a long time usually do not hide such things. It is not necessary to exchange VKontakte passwords immediately after the wedding. It’s just that over time there is no need to close the page: “I don’t have anything there that you couldn’t / couldn’t look at.”
- often stays late, leaves, finds a thousand things to do outside the home;
- became nervous, hot-tempered, jealous;
- or vice versa, as if calmed down, does not react to stimuli;
- began to communicate with children differently: more or less than before;
- does not invite you to events that you previously attended together.
Alisa, 33 years old:
“We lived for several years after the wedding, and then the husband was replaced. He was a man like a man: to work, home, with friends for beer. And then he became a special agent. I started checking my phone, being jealous of every post, hiding my laptop. He locked himself in the toilet to talk on the phone. On the street, he either shied away from every shadow or ran into trouble...
I thought I’d found another woman, so I’m rushing about. I took a closer look and conducted an investigation, so to speak. It turned out he was addicted to substances. Well, you understand... There are advertisements everywhere on the fences.
Two years passed before we figured it out. Under my control, of course. It was hard, but the relationship became different. Now he definitely won’t exchange me for anyone!”
If all else fails
It also happens that not a single request or exhortation has any effect on a person. He admits that this is impossible, understands all the hints about his dishonesty, but systematically continues to do the same thing.
If lying becomes a serious obstacle to your relationship, you will have to start a dialogue. This should be a dialogue about how the relationship is in limbo and there is no reason to lie. But in no case should one proceed to reproaches and list all cases of deception.
Explain that you have a normal attitude towards meeting with friends, do not pretend to fully transfer your salary to the general budget and are ready to accept him as he is, so that he does not come up with incredible stories about failures at work or downplay his earnings.
When the chosen one realizes that there really is no reason to lie, his behavior may change. Also, as a lesson, you can try to behave similarly. Lie about something about which he knows the truth, doing it openly and confidently. Then he will be in your place and will be able to understand the emotions experienced.
My husband cheats and lies: why?
What pushes a man to cheat? The most common reasons:
“Everyone lives like this!”;
Prosperous men find it difficult to resist social pressure. All friends and colleagues have “spare wives” and invite them to the bathhouse to have fun with the girls. They persuade you, promising enchanting sensations.
Often in memory there is an example of a father who cheated on his mother or was completely absent.
People in general are loyal to men's infidelity. A guy walking around is a “girls’ dream”, a girl walking around is a “young lady of easy virtue.” Men are asked to have fun before the wedding, girls are asked to preserve themselves for their husbands. Double standards at their finest.
Can a man remain faithful to his wife in such conditions? Yes maybe. Only he must clearly understand why he is doing this.
Irina, 25 years old:
“I was 17. I found out that my dad cheated on my mom. This happened once. As he explained: “Just try, see what I can do.” I checked, I was able to: my colleague turned up on time.
I remember my mother was crying, and I was very angry. Mom then came up to me and asked: “What do you think I should do now? Get a divorce?” I said it was up to her to decide. Mom stayed and continued to live as before. But I cut myself off from my father like a wall. Of course, I won’t give up, if anything happens, I’ll help. Dad after all. But we practically stopped communicating.”
“Mighty is the key that opens all locks”;
And that lock that can be opened with any key is not very good. The most common quote to justify male infidelity. And this is another example of double standards. Men are more likely to be praised for cheating, while women are scolded. Naturally, men feel calm and allow themselves everything they want.
“I can’t do what I want with my wife!”;
There are also psychological motives. A man wants to indulge in BDSM, shibari or other unusual sexual practices. But at home he plays at being an exemplary family man and doesn’t even find the words to offer this to his wife. Or maybe he suggested it and his wife ridiculed it and refused.
Elena, 42 years old:
“We had been married for 7 years when I found out that my husband was cheating on me. He told it himself. I found an impressive collection of porn on his computer and demanded an explanation.
At first he did not want to speak, he went into deep unconsciousness. Then she slowly pulled it out. The man with whom we had been married for 7 years began to tell us that our sex was a duty for him. Marital fucking duty. But in reality he wants something else. Well, it was clear from the nature of the videos, of course. But it was hard to listen to all this.
I asked directly: “Did you go to the left?” He said yes, a couple of times, it didn’t work. It seems like he doesn’t want to cheat on me, and he doesn’t like sex.
I thought for a long time and got ready. Then I stocked up on alcohol and invited him to try... In a different way. The first time it was awkward, then it was funny. And the third time I realized what was funny. In fact, a new honeymoon has begun. But if I hadn’t forgiven then, if I hadn’t decided to try something new... Most likely, we would have simply separated.”
“The wife nags all the time, and the mistress looks into her mouth”;
There is a category of men who go to their mistresses to chat. Sex in these cases takes 15 minutes, the rest of the time is wine, conversations, delicious food and other innocent entertainment.
Such men would turn to geishas if there was such a profession in our country. Geishas do not provide sex, but pleasant communication.
“Once a year is enough for her, but I need five times a day!”
Different sexual constitutions of partners are a problem. This point should be clarified before the wedding. If the temperaments do not match, then there are two options: put up with infidelity or break up.
How to react correctly
Having found out why he might do this, let's consider how to behave with a guy or man who is used to constantly lying. First of all, don’t look to your friends for advice. Everyone lies at least once in their life, but when they hear about the sins of others, they act as strict judges. Their advice is unlikely to change anything, but the dirty laundry will be washed out of the house, as the famous saying goes, and your loved one may be known as a person who often lies.
If a man constantly strives to deceive, you should not become for him something like a mother, controlling every step. In this case, men are guided by only one instinct: mother will forgive everything.
This approach leads to the fact that guys lie in the same way as they lied, and constant scandals will only build an insurmountable wall between you. To do everything right, solve the problem step by step.
Convince the man that you yourself are not lying, and you want reciprocity in this regard. If a guy constantly lies, you need to make it clear to him that these omissions make your relationship worse, and that the bitter truth will always be better than the sweetest lie. Someday the lie will still be revealed. Remember what to do if a guy is used to lying, something won’t work out at lightning speed.
What to do: save the family or get a divorce
First you need to take a time out. Children - on a visit to their grandmothers or friends. And for myself - to take a break from everyday life and think about life.
Two days or a week will not solve anything. You need to give yourself time to calm down so as not to do anything stupid. Minimum plan:
- cry;
- get drunk;
- talk to someone you can trust (mom, grandmother, friend, therapist);
- lie in the bath;
- take care of yourself (manicure/pedicure, haircut, massage, photo shoot).
All this will not cancel the betrayal of her husband. But you will feel better: more beautiful, more confident, calmer. It's better to cry with a manicure than without it. It is more comfortable to suffer in a restaurant than in line for potatoes.
During your vacation from your family, you need to decide the main question: reconcile or divorce. Think:
- how many years have you been married;
- were you happy?
- betrayal is a one-time mistake or tendency;
- whether the spouse wants to save the family;
- who the children will be with (and what they think);
- will you be able to provide for yourself and your children?
- to take revenge or forgive.
You don’t know what to do: your husband is cheating and lying? Answer the above questions for yourself and you will understand where to move.
Milana, 33 years old:
“My ex-husband is a university teacher. He cheated with students more than once. I found out by chance: one girl later found me on social networks and told me.
Of course, I didn't believe it. I thought she was offended by the bad grade and was taking revenge. But she started keeping an eye on her husband, just in case. And details began to emerge.
I divorced my husband a couple of years later: the child went to kindergarten, and we went to court. And we still communicate with that girl sometimes. We work in related fields, if we cross paths, we drink coffee and chat.”
Additional materials:
- books: A. Gavalda “I loved her, I loved him”, M. Stepnova “Godless Lane”, N. Krasnova “Former”, “1000 days without sex”.
- films: “The Other Woman (2014)”, “The First Wives Club”, “The Women (2008)”, “Die John Tucker”.
What to do in such a situation
Clearly you have wondered whether your husband will change? It's more likely no than yes. He can cope with minor deception on his own or by turning to a psychologist for help, but the desire to gain new experience makes it unlikely that the husband will change.
But only you can determine for yourself whether it would be better for you to stay with your husband or without him. You need to be prepared that the man is polygamous and finds it difficult for him to accept monogamy. It can take many years to realize that you cannot have many sexual partners while in a relationship with a woman.
Retreat plan: thinking through the details
Have you decided to stay? Start Googling a psychotherapist: without his help it will be difficult. Make an appointment with a neurologist or psychiatrist: adequate sedatives will not hurt.
Cheating on your husband is a serious traumatic experience. You can be as cheerful as you want in public, but it’s always difficult to cope with it. The body definitely needs to be supported. It’s not your body’s fault, it didn’t cheat and the vitamins worked.
Take care of yourself: your money, your studies, your career, your business. When putting the brakes on one betrayal, you need to understand that there will be another. Make sure she doesn't take you by surprise.
Are you going to leave? You also need to end the relationship wisely:
What to do if your husband constantly lies about little things
It is especially unpleasant when the spouse lies and does not see anything criminal in his behavior. This is doubly offensive. You can, of course, start to control your spouse or try to pretend to be Miss Marple. But what if you don't like these methods? How to stop your husband from constantly lying, using more “gentle” methods?
First of all, remember that no successful marriage is possible without full communication. Sometimes even major scandals can be avoided if you just sit down and talk calmly with your husband. Some might say that this method of solving problems is extremely banal. However, it is not. At a minimum, during the conversation you will be able to find out the reason why your husband constantly lies to you.
Of course, it may also happen that the spouse simply refuses to discuss this topic. This is unlikely to lead to an immediate divorce, but trust will be completely lost. And here there are only two ways out of this situation: either accept reality as it is, or think hard about the future of your relationship with your spouse.
Changing another person, and especially a man, is incredibly difficult. In most cases, this is simply unrealistic. But there is always the opportunity to change yourself. Talk to your husband about his constant lying and see if his behavior has changed for the better. Has he stopped lying to you at every turn or has he simply become much more cunning? Does he even want to start working on himself? Or did you prefer to forget about the conversation?
Sometimes a husband constantly lies simply because he cannot do otherwise. And no preventative conversations asking you to change for the better will help here. There are situations when only special therapies can correct the situation. The main thing is that the person really wants to solve the problem.
The desire for pathological lies in psychology is called Munchausen syndrome
. That is, by and large, it is a disease. And many diseases can be cured.
The husband should not be the first to know about the divorce.
Most likely, you have something to share: children, apartment, property. Therefore, first tell your divorce lawyer your intentions. He will tell you how and when to part with the greatest benefit.
It is a mistake to think: “We are adults, we will figure it out ourselves.” Talk to a lawyer first, then test your theories. When it comes to deciding who gets an apartment in Moscow, all the adulthood usually disappears somewhere.
Provide a safety net
Emotions are overwhelming, I want to finish everything right now. But it’s worth thinking about the financial side of the issue. Do you have money for food, for housing? Do you work or run a household? Have you created an emergency reserve that will be enough for the first time?
If the budget sags, then first close this issue, and then get a divorce. Find a job, get paid, evaluate how much your earnings are enough for. And act based on this knowledge.
Someone can get divorced right now and not notice. And someone will have to save up for six months for a ticket to a neighboring city. You can go nowhere: return to your parents, ask your friends, contact a charity foundation.
Alena, 26 years old:
“Getting a divorce was a difficult choice. Morally, I decided everything for myself. But I didn’t understand how to live. It's a strange city, there's nowhere to even stay overnight. I didn’t have my own money: my husband gave me money only for food and controlled all expenses.
Apparently, God helped. On the street I saw an advertisement for a university. They promised a scholarship and a hostel. I didn’t have a higher education, I just graduated from college.
I prepared for the Unified State Exam in the library, where there was free Internet. In the morning my husband goes to work, and I go to the reading room.
I still don’t understand how I pulled it all off. But I got in! They gave me a room in a dorm. That same day, I packed my turtleneck jeans and moved out. I told my husband over the phone that I was filing for divorce.
I was so afraid that he would find me! I dyed my hair so that if I met her on the street, I wouldn’t recognize her. But the teachers couldn’t praise me enough, they said I was one of the best on the course. My motivation was effective, no doubt.”
Prepare the children
Read articles by child psychologists, consult with specialists in person or online. Maintain (or create) trusting relationships.
Discuss the current situation with your daughter or son. Choose clear words and explain honestly.
Say: “Dad is a goat!” - it's simple. And the child will understand: “Mom offends dad. Mom is bad!
It’s harder to admit: “When people get married, they promise to love each other. I loved dad. But dad fell in love with another woman. Because of this, we cannot live together. That's how it happens sometimes."
And the child will understand: “It seems that dad did something bad. Mom is sad, I’m sad, but it seems there’s no other way.”
Be prepared for a barrage of questions. The degree of their discomfort depends on age:
- “Can he love you back?”;
- “Will the new aunt live with us?”;
- “Does that aunt have children?”;
- “Mom, maybe you’ll also cheat on him and call it quits?”;
- “Mom, everyone cheats on everyone, what’s the difference?!”
All this will have to be discussed. At the very least, you will earn a plus in your karma: you communicate like an adult.
We need to help children get over the breakup. Yes, in any case they will be sad and worried. But whether your parents' divorce becomes a psychological trauma depends on you.
Provide protection
Is your spouse hot-tempered and prone to aggression? Has he “pushed” you with authority and dubious arguments more than once?
Consider support. Especially if he has to move out. Is your apartment? Invite your dad or brother to stay. Even the presence of a stranger may be enough to avoid violent quarrels.
An alternative option: leave on your own and communicate only through lawyers.
How to spot a lie
When a guy lies, his subconscious clearly knows about it, and it can be quite difficult to hide it. Psychology identifies the following gestures that will help you recognize when a man is deceiving a woman:
- A posture in which the hands are in the pockets may suggest that the man is lying.
- Another type of gesture is touching your face, neck, shoulders, trying to cover your mouth with your palm.
- Vague emotions, such as grinning, tenseness and shrugging, twitching.
- Concern about appearance during a conversation, adjusting clothes.
- The man hides details, answers uncertainly, and repeats the same things.
But you should not immediately conclude that the man is lying, since it is possible to understand that this is really so only by taking into account the individual characteristics of the person. Some men always behave this way around women – insecure and confused.
In addition, having discovered that something is wrong, you should not immediately call the young man hysterically and bring down a barrage of accusations and evidence on him. Most likely, the young man will not even listen to the end of the hysteria about “how bad he is, but they trusted him.”
Reasons why a man lies to a woman2
Psychologists identify several aspects that contribute to the development of liar syndrome.
- Childhood in severity
It was easier to lie to my mother about the bad mark and the diary, about the fight and homework, than to confess and consciously get what I deserved.
If a boy grew up in a family with strict principles and ironclad rules, it is no wonder that, fearing reproach for the slightest offense, and, in principle, for having his own opinion, he will, if possible, hide the truth, or lie.
- Childhood darling
Narcissistic men lie even more than others, trying to build all areas of their lives so that they revolve around him, with minimal energy consumption.
Raised in greenhouse conditions, surrounded by the care of helpful mothers and grandmothers, such a comrade knows how to manipulate people with the help of lies. By embellishing events and conditions, he pushes those around him to take actions that are beneficial only to him. Accustomed to the best from the cradle, he is ready to lie anything to get what he wants.
- Lack of trust in the family
When a man, for some reason, loses the trust of his partner, he involuntarily tries to embellish himself in order to appear better and win the woman over again.
There are many situations when a woman stops believing her husband, and following him, trying to be convinced of every, smallest, fact. In such an environment, a strong man becomes as vulnerable as possible, and tries to cover his tracks even where there were none. He even changes the number of his daughter’s class teacher from “Marina Ivanovna” to “Fedor car mechanic,” just in case. So as not to arouse suspicion in my wife once again. However, most often such actions have the exact opposite effect.
- Bad example
Who knows, it is possible that in the family where the boy grew up, lying was the norm.
As they say, a bad example is contagious; children are capable of unconditionally adopting the behavior model of their parents, in the absence of personal experience, accepting it as the norm. A father who hides from his mother the fact that he drank with friends, so long as she doesn’t scream, sets the trajectory of his son’s behavior in his future family life. A mother, lying to her father about the amount of her salary, just to give her child more pocket money, gives the future father of the family an incorrect idea about the general management of the household. After all, since my mother hid her income from my father, then he can too.
- Way to evacuate
Various stories are born in order to go on vacation and communicate with friends under a plausible pretext.
Sometimes a man wants to run as fast as he can, but due to his poor upbringing, he cannot do this. Or, accustomed to sleeping in his own bed, he strives to go home as quickly as possible. But the mammoth miner cannot say that his favorite pajamas and a pillow with the smell of lavender are waiting at home, and therefore he will come up with plausible excuses, in the form of a hungry dog, which, moreover, will not fall asleep until he takes a walk, or a switched-on iron.
