What to do if a guy cheats: advice from a psychologist

Why does cheating happen?

Men can have a lot of reasons for cheating, both real and self-contrived. Psychologists say that many prerequisites from deep youth or reasons acquired recently can contribute to this. For example:

childhood trauma due to a father who left for another woman and growing up in a dysfunctional family;
imperfections of character and polygamy in relationships;
the presence of signs of a narcissist who encourages increased attention from others to himself;
life stress and erroneous action in a fit of loss of self-control;
inattention on the part of the wife herself or loss of interest in her due to the gradual fading of her feminine beauty and insufficient self-care.

How to understand that a guy is cheating?

In fact, it’s not difficult to understand that a man is interested in a new passion. The fact is that during this period he changes his behavior model. This happens mechanically, on a subconscious level, he doesn’t even notice how he begins to behave differently. And an attentive, loving girl will not be able to help but notice this.

To find out that a guy is cheating, some obvious changes in his behavior will help, namely:

he spends much less time with his beloved;
begins to often stay late at work for unknown reasons;
sets passwords on gadgets;
goes into another room while talking on the phone;
receives nightly messages;
begins to look better and pay more attention to his appearance;
when talking with his beloved, he often becomes irritable or completely inattentive towards her.
Read also: Aggressive behavior in a child: what parents should do

Why did this happen?

Possible reasons for cheating:

Dissatisfaction with your partner. This point includes not only the topic of sex, but also many other points: a decrease in the severity of romantic feelings, dissatisfaction with the girl’s appearance, especially if there have been any changes recently (weight gain or loss, consequences of diseases or side effects of medications, amputation, scars and so on), her behavior, character, financial condition, emotional involvement in the relationship.
This is often due to a man’s inability or unwillingness to accept his partner and to weigh her positive and negative sides.
Quarreling. Conflicts that arise too often in a relationship can push a man to look for a woman with whom there will be no such problems. In addition, many men (and women too) treat romantic relationships quite irresponsibly: they believe that they should bring exclusively positive emotions, are not ready to discuss conflicts, and any problematic situation leads to an unproductive emotional outburst, which prevents them from looking at everything rationally and finding a solution , which will suit both parties.
Different views on life. A productive, harmonious partnership is impossible if a man and woman have different goals in life and different views on how to live.
For example, a guy has conservative views, so he wants his future wife to sit at home, take care of the house and children, while he works. His girlfriend, on the contrary, believes that a woman in the modern world should have full opportunity to realize herself in her career; the idea of being locked between the stove and the ironing board for many decades disgusts her. Naturally, against the background of these differences, serious conflicts are possible. If a man during this period encounters a woman who shares his views, he may begin to cheat and, most likely, will seriously think about breaking up the relationship.
The desire for revenge. It happens that a man is the first to suspect betrayal for some reason and decides to respond in kind (even in cases where there was actually no betrayal).
This can be expressed both in ostentatious flirting with girls in public places in the presence of a partner, and in a more serious form.
Unexpected love. The feeling of falling in love can suddenly fall on any person, and not everyone wants to resist it, especially if there is an opportunity to have fun and at the same time avoid trouble. For example, a guy can secretly cheat with a girl who works with him, because such a relationship is easy enough to hide, or be in a relationship for some time while on a business trip or on vacation.
The desire to find new experiences and have fun. This desire can be an additional factor that increases the likelihood that a guy will cheat. Many people are looking for new experiences in relationships and sex, because it is simple and accessible.

What to do if a guy cheats? Find out about it in the video:

What is the right thing to do if your loved one cheats?

Having learned the unpleasant truth, a girl does not always know what to do if your boyfriend cheated. To begin with, of course, you still need to pull yourself together with all your might and try to come to your senses. Nobody needs a nervous breakdown due to jealousy, in which you can do stupid things. Therefore, firstly, you need to try to calm down. Secondly, come to the conclusion that this situation needs to be discussed with the culprit of the incident and listen to his response thoughts on this matter. Under no circumstances should you succumb to a crazy flow of emotions and run towards suicide or physical violence against the offenders in the person of your beloved man and his mistress, because all the problems in the world can be solved.

Caught red-handed: how to figure out that a man is cheating on you

Without directly asking if your spouse or partner is seeing someone else, you can't know for sure if he or she is cheating. Yes, there are common signs of deception. People who cheat often appear defensive or hide what they are up to. They may spend more time away from you than usual. Or they may not be as tender as before. But all these circumstances could also indicate various problems they have that have nothing to do with infidelity. Claiming that someone is cheating is a serious accusation without full confirmation.

If you're concerned about your partner's behavior, ask them about it before making assumptions that they're being unfaithful. For example: 'It seems to me that you spend a lot of time outside the house. What's happening? Everything is fine?" This may lead to you getting to the root of the problem and being able to discuss it. If your partner becomes defensive or lashes out at you, don't resume the conversation until you get support. Seeing a psychologist is a safe way to talk about what you've observed and how your partner is reacting to it.

Mistrust of each other develops into scandals

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Now for the test... Test your relationship with these 15 signs your boyfriend/girlfriend may be cheating on you:

You begin to notice the emotional distance between the two of you. Now everything is not the same as before.

Your instinct tells you that he is unfaithful. Deep down, you feel that something has gone wrong with your relationship.

You start spending less time together. Your boyfriend/girlfriend tells you that he doesn't have time for you like he used to, but doesn't explain why.

The one you love so much stops inviting you on dates and arranging surprises.

They suddenly start encouraging you to spend time with other people. Their rationalization: If you spend time with other people, I can too.

There are noticeable changes in his schedule. They often make excuses by saying that they spend a long time running errands.

There are huge periods of time in which your boyfriend/girlfriend hides activities. They won't tell you where they were.

You notice suspicious cell phone activity, such as persistent messages, emails, or strange websites. Sometimes they will turn the phone upside down. Many people get caught cheating on what is in their computers or cell phones.

Your partner doesn't answer certain phone calls when you're around. They look especially scared when the phone rings.

Breaking up always hurts

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Your loved one no longer talks to you about all his innermost feelings.

They seem anxious when you are together but are about to go out somewhere. Often they refuse to go with you and say that they are simply tired. Cheating drains their emotional and physical energy due to the fear of getting caught or because they spend a lot of time trying to cover their tracks.

You notice a sudden change in their appearance or they have increased anxiety about the way they look. Your boyfriend/girlfriend probably has a new reason to look great, and it's most likely the person they're cheating with.

Your partner spends a lot of time with your new best friend of the opposite sex, even more than they spend time with you.

Your boyfriend/girlfriend is spending time with his ex but claims nothing is going on.

Your partner becomes increasingly critical of you or accuses you of cheating, even if you didn't.

Humility or rebellion?

What should you do when you are on the verge of despair, and what should you do if your boyfriend is cheating on you? You can go two ways:

come to terms with what happened and forgive the offender - sometimes it is very difficult for women to deprive themselves of the relationships to which she is so accustomed, therefore apologies and promises about the impossibility of a relapse force her to accept the betrayal and let the traitor back into the family;
be unshakable and stop contacting the person who committed an act of betrayal towards the woman he loves.

Here you will have to choose one of the two and be based only on your sensations and your own feelings.

How to forgive a traitor?

If a girl decides to follow the path of forgiveness, she needs to think about how to overcome her negative emotions and feelings of emptiness. In the course of intensive work on yourself and searching for answers to the question of what to do if your boyfriend cheats on you, you need to proceed from your convictions and take into account the position of the guy himself. After all, there are cases when a person really sincerely repents of what he has done and tries in every possible way to renew a broken relationship with his beloved, daily proving to her his love and desire to return everything to its place.

The following actions will help overcome the feeling of all-consuming resentment:

a pause in the relationship - you still need to give yourself a little time to move away from the situation and start thinking constructively;
agree to negotiate - in the end, it is very important to hear from the young man the reason for his action and only then look for the root of the problem;
Having identified the agreed root of the problem, you should analyze the situation and draw conclusions about whether it makes sense to continue maintaining the relationship;
try to live together again, tuning in to a completely new format of relationships, adding new family traditions, spending more time together, living only in the present and stopping discussing the past.

Consider your next steps

After a pause, you realize how to deal with this situation in the best way. If the betrayal was just a momentary lapse and you love each other, you may want to forgive the culprit. If the affair on the side was long-term and carefully planned, then it is hardly worth staying with this person.

It also matters how long you are together. If your partner cheated on you at the beginning of the relationship, then it will be easier to leave him, and you will forget him faster. And if you have been together for decades and have gone through a lot of difficulties, then perhaps you should forgive him.

Also consider that cheating often means the end of a relationship. If a future together is no longer acceptable for you, then this clearly indicates that carrying a suitcase without a handle is pointless.

If you decide to forgive, then make sure that your partner is aware of the consequences of his action and is ready to work on the relationship, trying to restore it. If you don’t see a drop of repentance in him, then there’s nothing to restore and nothing to reflect on.

It also matters how the betrayal became known to you - did you just “catch” your partner or did he admit it himself?

If your partner has expressed a desire to restore feelings and trust, find out what exactly he is going to do about this - talk, relax with you, solve some problems?

Think about whether you are ready to forgive this betrayal completely, without mentioning it during quarrels, wanting to take revenge on your partner.

Even though this is a difficult and difficult decision, for which you need to turn off your emotions, you must do it - you cannot live in uncertainty for a long time.

How to release someone guilty of treason?

If you still cannot come to terms with feelings of jealousy, pride and resentment, you need to be able to force yourself to break off the relationship. And in the case when you yourself could not find the answer to the question of what to do if a guy cheated, the advice of a psychologist will help the unfortunate girl come to her senses. A qualified specialist will give you the opportunity to understand yourself, comprehend what happened, and look at the situation from the outside. A psychologist will help you understand that if a guy cheats, it’s not the end of the world, because there are a huge number of other men who can be a worthy replacement for a traitor. As the rehabilitation course of appointments with a specialist progresses, the victim of infidelity gradually comes to the realization that the young man who hurt her feelings has not caught on and that she is ready to let him go.

What to do if you have been cheated on

All these theories are good until the matter affects you personally. And, unfortunately, betrayal of a loved one is an extremely offensive and painful thing. So what should you do if your boyfriend cheated? How to survive this pain, cope with it, and pass all these tests with dignity?

Not all people are able to forgive their partner if he betrayed you by cheating on you. When we find out about betrayal, we can go in several ways: break off relations with this person, having sorted out all the cause and effect relationships, understand and forgive the traitor, or, having gone all out, begin to take revenge on him, no matter with whom.

The first solution is a break. You don't have to forgive betrayals at all. This is exactly the case when forgiveness is not at all necessary. Yes, this method is, of course, the most radical, but the most effective. If your boyfriend cheated on you, and besides, as often happens, the guy cheated with his girlfriend, then you really need to send both the boyfriend and girlfriend “to hell.” Why do you need so many traitors at once? A person who has done this once will most likely repeat his unseemly act subsequently.
If you can forgive, then you are a person of incredible breadth of soul. Your boyfriend should carry you in his arms for the rest of his life and give you bouquets and sweets every day. But know one thing: you will have to live with the thought that he has already cheated on you. And in difficult moments of your relationship with him, you will constantly think about whether he will cheat on you again. But if you really decide to forgive your boyfriend, then forgive him completely, and do not remind him of his misdeed at every opportunity, do not blackmail him, do not try to induce a feeling of guilt for your own personal purposes. This is low and undignified.
Some, having learned about the betrayal, decide to take revenge. “I want to cheat on my boyfriend!” - this is the desperate thought that crashes into the consciousness of the offended girl. And it doesn’t matter with whom, the main thing is to sleep in order to hurt your boyfriend. Looking for a partner for one night in a state of passion is not entirely reasonable, and even dangerous. And it is unknown who you will hurt more as a result: yourself or him. Revenge is a dish that goes cold. And besides, having slept with another person in revenge on your boyfriend, you will turn out to be no better than him. And her boyfriend is unlikely to worry about such a girl, and maybe he will even be glad that he cheated on you.

Betrayal is a difficult test in your relationship, it causes a severe, difficult-to-heal wound in the soul, and it’s up to you to decide how to survive it, what to do. Just know one thing: the main thing in this situation is not to change yourself.

Does it make sense to take revenge?

There is a category of girls who are less humble. When asked what to do if a guy is constantly cheating, they see only one correct answer - to behave in accordance with the behavior of a careless lover. And they begin to take revenge.

Many people believe that if they cheat in return, they will give the offender what he deserves. But in fact, something different is happening: the girl herself is morally degrading, embarking on dirty intrigues and giving her carnal love to another simply for the sake of harming the cheater who deserves this pain. Moreover, such an act of retaliation does not always have any significance for him at all. After all, if he allowed himself to desecrate a sincere, pure relationship with his beloved woman, then he is not particularly concerned about her feelings and sensations. Accordingly, he will not be very upset by the fact of retaliatory betrayal. Only slightly outraged, and then only out of a sense of possessiveness. That is why psychologists recommend that girls who find themselves in this situation understand for themselves that there is no point in taking revenge on someone, because by doing so, they once again inflict wounds only on themselves.

How to ask a man for forgiveness for cheating

There is a way out of all situations with betrayal, unless the husband is caught directly in bed with his lover. It will be extremely difficult to justify yourself here, but it is also possible. Therefore, do not despair; the advice of psychologists will help resolve most of the problems associated with female infidelity:

You cannot talk about the details of an intimate relationship with your lover, no matter how much your husband interrogates you. The woman needs to move away from this conversation and switch her husband’s attention to other, more pleasant topics.
Don’t bring down all the accusations on your partner like - you didn’t devote time to me, you were constantly at work. It is very delicate to make all claims; it must be remembered that the separation of a couple indicates that both spouses are to blame.
It is necessary to show the husband that the woman understands the full power of betrayal, that she has destroyed the relationship with her partner and repents of what she has done. Make it clear to your spouse that you are ready to do anything to save the marriage. Do not use blackmail or pressure under any circumstances, only affection and attention.
A conversation with a man after betrayal should take place in a calm manner without mutual accusations. To persuade your spouse to save the marriage, you can use some tricks. For example, mention a fun and enjoyable time with your spouse, try to keep him for the sake of the children, because... Divorce will have a serious impact on a child's psyche. If there are no children, then say that the wife dreams of having common children with her husband, making him fantasize about a large and friendly family.

Whether a husband will forgive betrayal depends on the relationships in the family, as well as on the individual characteristics of each partner. If the spouse has left and categorically demands a divorce, then all the woman’s self-control will be needed to remain calm, because... No amount of hysterics will help bring back the old relationship. Let's say a man stays out of pity, do you need such a family? After all, at any moment the husband may have a desire to take revenge; pain, disappointment and claims will always creep into the relationship. It is necessary to seriously analyze this situation in order to avoid mistakes.

How to heal wounds after a breakup?

Not everyone can forgive and somehow come to terms with betrayal, but they manage to do so. People continue to live, starting from scratch and trying to mend their cracked love. But what if the guy cheated 3 times? 4? 5? What to do if his cheating is regular? The only correct answer to these questions is to definitely break up with him. Who needs a person who doesn’t value forgiveness, doesn’t try to earn his former attitude, and generally doesn’t love his other half? Any girl who has self-esteem will step over herself, overcome her feelings, but will not allow herself to live with such a person. Another question is how to heal wounds after a breakup? And how can you become happy again after what happened?

How to become happy again after cheating?

Many girls have a hard time with a breakup, especially if it involves a guy cheating on them. In this case, it is quite difficult to pull yourself out of a state of depressive melancholy. But everyone is given one life, and you need to use every day, every moment, seize every second of this fleeting time, because there will be no second chance to live it again.

Step-by-step work on yourself will help you get out of a state of despondency:

closing all possible ways to communicate with a former boyfriend;
eliminating all photos and things reminiscent of his presence in the house;
stopping surveillance of the betrayed young man and his new life on social networks;
concentration on work or favorite activity, hobby, hobby;
openness to new communication, new acquaintances, more frequent spending time in the company of friends;
getting a surge of new sensations and emotional charging from an unknown sport that causes an adrenaline rush;
sign up for dancing or going to the gym, self-development, self-improvement;
openness on the path to new relationships and new love.

The actions taken will lead the girl betrayed by the cheater to moral healing and gradually return her to the normal rhythm of life.