Crises of family life: which years occur and how to overcome them

All couples standing on the threshold of the registry office hope for a long and happy marriage and are confident that betrayal, quarrels, and especially divorce will not affect them. However, the cruel statistics are inexorable: in Russia in 2017, 1 million marriages were officially registered, and more than 600 thousand broke up. Psychologists carefully study these figures. Since the middle of the 20th century, they have been collecting and summarizing them, highlighting the most turning points - the so-called crises of family life, when the likelihood of a divorce process is maximum.

Today, family psychology has extensive data on this issue. This allows spouses to be warned about upcoming difficulties at one stage or another and to prepare for them. In the future, this should reduce the number of divorces. If you feel that something has changed in your relationship with your significant other, you may simply be in the state of one of these crises.

What it is

According to psychology, a family crisis is a state in a couple when homeostasis (self-regulation aimed at maintaining internal constancy and dynamic balance within the system) is disrupted, and this leads to frustration (dissatisfaction). Usually the impetus is some new situation that cannot be resolved using the usual model of behavior.

Example. The crisis of the first year of family life is most often associated with the birth of a child, which is the very impetus. Spouses can no longer maintain homeostasis (as before, visiting guests, traveling, just watching TV in the evenings), i.e., internal balance is disturbed. The wife is in a state of frustration because her husband is not helping her. He, in turn, is dissatisfied due to the lack of attention on her part. Habitual models of behavior no longer work: if previously the negativity of a quarrel could be extinguished by conversation, reconciliatory sex, or a conversation with a friend, now the problem has to be solved in other ways.

Over the years, experts have collected information about exactly what stage of the life cycle family crises occur at, and this allowed them to create several classifications.

Classifications

Regulatory crises

The main current classification of family crises is named after the famous American psychotherapist Virginia Satir. She calls them normative and identifies 10 main problematic issues that every couple faces:

1. Birth of the first child.
2. A child's acquisition of speech.
3. His admission to school.
4. His teenage period, which overlaps with his parents' midlife crisis.
5. “Empty nest” syndrome – children leaving the family.
6. Children creating their own families.
7. My wife's menopause.
8. Decreased libido in husband.
9. Mastering new roles - grandparents.
10. Death of one of the spouses.

It is easy to see that the first normative crises are based on growing up and raising a child. The viability of this classification is proven by statistics: couples who do not have children either divorce in the first 3 years, or continue to live and never break up (after 3 years of marriage, divorce in such families is only 5%). This suggests that they do not have to live through most of the difficulties highlighted by Virginia Satir and associated specifically with children.

Non-normative crises

Psychologists Eidemiller and Justitskis identify other crises in family life that are associated with unfavorable living conditions and problems that arise at different stages. These include:

• illness of one of the spouses;
• socio-economic processes (financial crisis, war);
• adultery;
• conflicts with other people;
• housing problems;
• change in the social status of one of the spouses;
• excessive load;
• state of divorce;
• domestic violence;
• adoption, guardianship.

Non-normative crises can overtake a family at any period of life and even overlap one another, which aggravates an already precarious situation.

Classification of family crises

Depending on the main problematic issues, psychologists classify family crises into two main groups: normative and non-normative.

Normative family crises

The basis of normative disagreements is the appearance and upbringing of a joint child. It is the birth of the first child that usually provokes the first crisis in family relationships. This is due to the dissatisfaction of the husband, who no longer has enough attention from his wife. The wife experiences dissatisfaction and resentment because her husband does not help her or devotes too little time to caring for the newborn.

With the birth of a child, spouses are deprived of the opportunity to spend a lot of time alone. All this leads to disruption of the family balance, constant quarrels and reproaches arise. Habitual patterns of behavior no longer work. And if earlier young spouses could quickly “extinguish” any conflicts with reconciliatory sex, then after the birth of a baby the problem increasingly has to be solved in other ways.

Sexual dissatisfaction can also push a spouse to cheat. This will already become a serious problem in family relationships and may serve as an irreversible cause of divorce.

victoriagoldveber Flickr

Other “turning points” that break the idyll of marriage:

• the child's adolescence;
• an adult child leaves the family to create his own;
• the appearance of grandchildren, spouses have to learn new roles - grandparents;
• decreased libido in the husband;
• wife's menopause.

Abnormal family crises

The second group is associated with unfavorable conditions that arise at different stages of life.

The following circumstances may cause conflicts:

• illness of one of the spouses;
• everyday problems;
• conflict situations with relatives;
• financial difficulties;
• problems with living space, living with parents or other relatives;
• domestic violence;
• promotion on the career ladder, growth in the social status of the husband or wife;
• adultery.

Non-normative crises can arise in a family at different stages of life together.

Frequency of occurrence

Psychologists divide periods of family crisis by year, based on many years of observation and statistical facts. For each couple, they may occur with a slight deviation in timing.

Crisis of family relations by year:

1. The first serious conflict in a relationship occurs after 1-2 years of marriage, when the first child appears in the family.
2. The next disagreement arises in the family after 6-7 years, when the child goes to school.
3. Between 10 and 14 years of marriage there is a period of midlife crisis. This problem is complemented by various difficulties in raising a child going through adolescence.
4. 15-19 years old - “empty nest syndrome”, the child grows up and devotes little time to his parents.
5. 20-25 years old - a child gets married, leaves home, and his parents soon have to take on new responsibilities in raising their grandchildren.
6. After 30 years of marriage, older spouses develop various health problems, which usually reduces sexual activity and becomes a common cause of family conflicts.

Periodization

Based on V. Satir’s classification and many years of research into the causes of divorce proceedings in psychology, periods of crisis in family relationships were identified by year. It’s worth mentioning right away that the time frames are set arbitrarily, and for each individual pair they can occur either a little earlier or a little later.

Main periods of crisis:

• 1-2 years - birth of a child;
• 3-6 years - the child masters speech;
• 7-9 years old - entry to school;
• 10-14 years - adolescence + midlife crisis;
• 15-19 years old - empty nest syndrome;
• 20-24 years old - children getting married, mastering the roles of grandparents, aging;
• 25-30 years - menopause in the wife, decreased libido in the husband.

In each period, the psychology of family crises identifies a peak that accounts for the maximum number of divorces:

• 1 year;
• 3 years;
• 7 years;
• 10 years;
• 15 years;
• 20 years;
• 25 years.

Each crisis is characterized by its own problems and, accordingly, ways to solve them. What will help you get out of an impasse in the first year of married life will no longer work after 10 years.

It is difficult to say how long each period lasts. It depends on the character and behavior patterns of both halves. Someone may wait patiently for the situation to be resolved for months, dragging it out. Others, due to their temper, cut the Gordian knot right away. As practice shows, on average, a conflict matures within 6-12 months.

General points

Psychologists identify three symptoms that indicate the onset of a crisis:

1. Stopping confidential conversations when spouses stop sharing their own experiences with each other.
2. Decline in sexual activity.
3. Irritability towards your significant other.

There are only 2 ways out of every crisis:

1. Constructive when the marriage survives.
2. Destructive when a couple files for divorce.

If earlier in family psychology it was believed that a constructive way out of a crisis is always positive, and a destructive way out is always negative, now such a gradation of assessment has been abolished. It often happens that a husband and wife decide to stay together because of the child, so as not to traumatize him. However, both are unhappy, can barely tolerate each other and take it out on the one for whom they saved the family. The result is psychological trauma for everyone. And sometimes, freed from oppressive relationships, people gain peace of mind, peace and a new value consciousness, which contributes to their further personal growth.

1-2 years

Peak - 1 year (calico wedding).

a brief description of

The first year of married life for most couples is the honeymoon and the continuation of the bouquet and candy period. They establish a common way of life, they like to be independent and not depend on anyone, so arranging a nest is accompanied by increased enthusiasm.

However, after 1 year, the first, and quite serious, problems begin to appear. The fact is that by this time the spouses get used to each other, elementary embarrassment disappears, and then it turns out that the prince on a white horse can walk around the house in torn socks, and the miss beauty can wear curlers and a greasy robe. It’s exaggerated, but the fact remains: the chemistry of love ends, the household boat rocks more and more, and to this is added the birth of a child (most often).

Causes:

• discrepancy between the ideal of the beloved and his everyday image;
• uneven distribution of responsibilities around the house;
• mother-in-law/mother-in-law syndrome, which often causes discord in a young family;
• mismatch of biorhythms (husband is a lark, wife is an owl or vice versa);
• financial problems (especially if both spouses are too young, do not work, depend on their parents);
• living together with parents.

Most often, the crisis of the first year of family life is associated with the birth of the first child, when a young and inexperienced mother gets tired of the burden of everyday problems that fall on her shoulders. A newborn may have difficulty sleeping, eating, walking, and visiting a doctor regularly. Added to this are problems with lactation and postpartum depression. And what “finishes off” her is the need to keep up with everything around the house: cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, eating. She is guaranteed to be in a state of stress. She begins to get angry with her husband, who disappears all the time at work and does not help her.

The young father is also in a state of shock at this time. The child does not allow you to get enough sleep at night, and in the morning you have to get up for work. There is not enough money for anything, as expenses have increased sharply, either on diapers or on formula. The wife turned from a well-groomed phyto-nurse into an eternally dissatisfied aunt with blurred forms after childbirth and dark circles under her eyes. And no sex either, because she has no time for that.

Psychologist's advice

To overcome a crisis, it is necessary to find out its root cause. After all, not every couple immediately has a child, however, they also have to face the difficulties of everyday life and relationships with new relatives. Starting from a pressing problem, you need to look for a way out. What psychologists advise:

1. Each spouse must first decide for himself whether it is possible to continue to preserve the marriage with minimal losses for everyone.
2. Discover new facets of personality in your spouse, look for positive aspects, turn a blind eye to shortcomings.
3. Schedule housework duties down to the smallest detail so that they are distributed evenly.
4. Establish relationships with mother-in-law / mother-in-law as much as possible.
5. Together, try to find sources of additional income to improve your financial situation.

If the crisis of 1 year is ripe, the spouses need to sit down and talk openly about all the problems and ways to solve them. A wife should not forget to take care of herself. The husband should not disappear all the time at work.

If the cause of the crisis is the birth of a child, all problems can also be solved. It is imperative to involve grandparents to help with the baby. In case of postpartum depression, a mother needs to undergo a recovery course. Dad should, to the best of his ability, take on some of the responsibilities around the house. And most importantly, they must pay enough attention to each other and in no case refuse intimacy.

Universal advice. Romantic dates at least once a week will help save a marriage after 1 year of family life. You can ask someone to sit with your baby for a couple of hours. And constantly change the place: it could be a cozy cafe, an interesting movie, a Ferris wheel, just a trip out of town, admiring the sunset - there are many options. The main thing is to change the environment and enjoy each other’s company.

Family crises

Living life is not a field to cross. (Folk wisdom)

Those entering into marriage should keep their eyes open before marriage, and keep them half-closed after. (M. Scuderi)

In different years of a family's existence, problems of various types arise .
Understanding and knowing what can or should happen to a family at one or another stage of its existence is necessary not only for specialists working in this field, but also for those who already have or will have a family. With this article I would like to start a series on family crises. What happens in them at each stage, and how they can be overcome with the most favorable outcome.

How these crises will unfold depends on many social, personal and transgenerational factors.

Everything in the world has life cycles. The family also has them. In my article I will use one of the most well-known periodizations in Russian psychology, proposed by E.K. Vasilyeva. According to this theory, there are five stages of the family cycle.

• The first stage is the birth of a family: from the beginning of marriage to the birth of the first child.
• The second stage is the birth and raising of children: the duration of this stage continues until the first child becomes financially independent of his parents.
• The third stage is the end of the family’s educational function; this moment comes when the last child becomes financially independent.
• The fourth stage lasts the entire period of cohabitation between parents and children, until they have their own family.
• Fifth stage - spouses live separately or with children who have their own families.

A crisis most often occurs at moments of transition from one stage to another. Or when a family gets stuck at one of the stages for a long time and does not develop.

Crises in most cases cause new tasks that are necessary to rebuild the interaction of the entire family and each member individually for further coexistence. You have to adapt, change your usual rhythm, make concessions, lose your usual conveniences, or even simply vital things that seem unnecessary to others.

The successful passage of the next stage of the crisis affects the post-crisis relationships between all family members, immediate and distant relatives.

And also the consequences of the previous crisis have a great influence on how the next stages of crises will proceed. Getting stuck at one of the stages contributes to destruction both within the family as a whole and each of its members individually.

Most often, the negative passage of crises is caused by the fact that family members use the same ways of interacting with each other and their closest relatives. Methods of interaction from the past are no longer effective ; there can be a variety of reasons. In order not to stand still, the family must rebuild and adapt to new conditions, new members, new requirements both within the family and requirements coming from the outside world.

Upon successful completion of the next stage, both the family as a whole and each of its members, regardless of age and status in the family, reach a higher level of interaction. Accordingly, during a negative crisis, all family members and the family as a whole remain at the level of ineffective interaction, and in many cases regress to earlier patterns of behavior, which, of course, does not contribute to a quick resolution of the crisis; on the contrary, it makes it protracted.

In practice, cases have been identified when, in moments of crisis, small children stopped speaking completely or partially, at three or even more years old they returned to sucking pacifiers and required feeding through a bottle. In my practice, there was a case when a girl, due to a protracted family crisis (the family crisis was later revealed in therapy), as a 12-year-old teenager, secretly drank from a bottle with a pacifier.

There are times when a family cannot move to the next stage, then they either all get stuck at this level, or individual family members show dissatisfaction, trying to force everyone to the next level. In such situations, conflicts are inevitable, and the family may collapse.

Dynamics of family relationships

During the courtship period, family identity is formed. The young man takes on the role of a future husband, the girl takes on the role of a wife. There is a differentiation from the parental family. Emotional and financial independence from the parent couple is formed.

The most common problems at this stage may arise due to the family’s unwillingness to let go of the matured child, allow him to separate from the family and begin an independent adult life.

After a family enters into marriage, the first crisis occurs. During this period, young people take on marital responsibilities. For some period, the spouses adapt to family life and to each other. New boundaries of interaction are being built, new relatives, friends, and ways of spending leisure time appear. Solving housing problems, joint budget planning. The most difficult thing in this situation for a young couple is to learn how to interact in moments of conflict, and for parents not to take one side or another.

The next stage is the appearance of a child in the family or difficulties with his appearance. If problems arise with childbearing, the family directs most of its efforts to eliminating them. At this stage, the family faces many trials both within the family itself and when interacting with relatives.

The birth of a child reorganizes the family, new roles and new responsibilities appear. Caring for a small child, internal regulations. During this period, a man may have complaints due to lack of attention; for various reasons, changes in sexual relationships are possible.

The next stage is the family of a preschooler and a primary school student. Many questions arise about raising a child and the regime. Distribution of new responsibilities between parents, assistance in checking homework, assistance in adapting to new social contacts.

Next comes the phase of the family with a teenager. The most difficult thing at this stage is to demonstrate the teenager’s independence. Rejection of some family values, introduction of teenage culture into the family. Identification with peers does not always cause approval from parents.

The next phase is when grown children leave the family. The family’s tasks at this stage are to properly leave home. Separation of the child from the family. Admission to an educational institution, searching for a partner.

The next phase is the “empty nest.” The couple is left alone. At this moment, many changes await her, depending on the situation, the couple will have to live alone again or accept new members into the family. And over time, learn to live with the new roles of grandparents.

The last phase is the most difficult. This is the phase in which one of the spouses dies. Accepting help from other loved ones or social services.

Family crises are a normal phenomenon; there is no need to fight them, they need to be resolved.

In moments of crisis, experiences associated with the uncertainty of the future are especially activated. It is understandable that both the individual and the family tend to avoid change, but it is necessary for development.

The family needs to experience the full range of existing emotions, otherwise there will be no development. And a stop in development can lead to negative symptoms among family members. Psychosomatic, sexual, and emotional disorders can manifest themselves here.

When emerging from a crisis, new relationships are formed between family members, the adoption of new roles, and a new level of interaction. But if the family as a whole or one of the members tries to maintain the same relationship and not move to a new stage of interaction, over time the degree of emotional alienation increases and intra-family relationships are disrupted. The family either “lives like on a volcano” or collapses completely.

The more elastic the family system, the less painfully, and sometimes completely imperceptibly, the passage of crises occurs. The willingness of spouses to give in, compromise, and take into account other generations makes it possible to smooth out crises.

If difficulties arise that you are unable to cope with on your own, seek help from a specialist.

3-6 years

Peak - 3 years (leather wedding).

a brief description of

If the first crisis of family relations has been successfully overcome, there is usually a lull for a year: the child grows, becomes more independent and interesting, parental responsibilities become a habit. However, this respite will not last long. According to statistics, most divorces occur after 3 years of marriage.

Psychologists call the crisis of three years the most dangerous of all. The couple recovers from the shock of becoming parents, and many begin to look at their partner with completely new eyes. Love transforms into a habit; not a trace remains of the former passion. Everything seems too gray, everyday and ordinary. If the spouses managed to maintain friendly relations and respect for each other, they will easily overcome this period. Otherwise, they will face divorce.

Moreover, this crisis may be quite long. It covers a period from 3 to 6 years, and the peak can fall on any of the intermediate periods. Some psychologists separately single out 5 years (wooden wedding) as the most problematic moment, since by this time the child becomes old enough, does not require special care - and the couple finally makes the decision to separate, which has been long overdue.

Causes:

• lack of common interests;
• fading feelings for each other and increasing irritability;
• against the background of the previous two factors - adultery;
• the problem of living space: if in the 1st year of family life living together with parents had its advantages, then over time this worsens the situation;
• lack of finances: the family is becoming more and more independent, you can no longer ask your parents for money, but you want to go on vacation and buy a new TV;
• the appearance of a second child;
• career growth of one of the spouses.

Virginia Satir saw the growing up of a child at the heart of this crisis. He is growing and requires more and more effort and time: to educate, develop, arrange and take him to kindergarten every day. And then it turns out that dad has no time to do all this, he shifts the responsibility to mom (in some families it happens the other way around). Or it suddenly turns out that spouses have different models of raising children. The husband grabs the belt to punish his son for his prank, and the wife rushes to the defense - a conflict is inevitable.

How to behave

1. Avoid open conflicts and quarrels.
2. Don't allow yourself to get irritated. Review your photos together more often, remember the moment you met, the wedding and the feelings that once connected you. This will help revive the extinguished flame of love.
3. Take care of yourself (dress well, exercise) so as not to give reasons for betrayal.
4. Try together to solve financial and housing problems.
5. Don't rush into having your second child.

This is the only crisis when psychologists do not recommend constructive and trusting dialogue as a way to overcome the difficulties that have arisen. As practice shows, at the moment each spouse has little secrets from each other that they will hide, and conversation will only aggravate the situation and kill mutual trust. Most often, this is an affair on the side, which it is better not for the other half to know about. In 90% of cases it turns out to be insignificant and starts only to take a break from everyday life. So you shouldn’t open a meaningless scratch so deeply.

Universal advice. To save the family at this stage, you need to fall in love with each other again. Arrange a supposedly accidental acquaintance and start everything from scratch: bouquets, dates, lace lingerie, sex in unusual places. Psychologists advise the two of you to go on a romantic trip for 2-3 weeks. Such a reboot of relationships benefits everyone - including the child, who is always happy to see happy parents together.

7-9 years

Peak - 7 years (copper wedding).

a brief description of

According to statistics, a surge in divorces occurs after 7 years of marriage. By this point, life usually improves and gets back on track: the financial situation is more or less stabilized, the problem with living space has already been at least somehow resolved. And the spouses certainly don’t argue over who should take out the trash can. So what happens to people who have walked this path hand in hand?

This is where physiology comes into play and there is no escape. By this time, the spouses are usually 30 years old, during which there is a surge in sexual activity, and it does not find a way out. Many people no longer see their partner as an object to satisfy their desires and fantasies. They thoroughly know not only each other’s habits, but also every mole on the body. The novelty is lost, sex becomes a mechanical fulfillment of a marital obligation.

If the family adheres to Christian or simply traditional moral principles, it will endure this. But as soon as one of the spouses gives in, betrayal and divorce cannot be avoided.

Causes:

• sexual dissatisfaction;
• adultery;
• a change in the social status of one of the spouses or rapid career growth (it is inconvenient for a diplomat husband to have a wife who is a dishwasher);
• rupture of physical and emotional connection between spouses;
• life, routine, monotony.

Virginia Satir connects this crisis with the fact that the child needs to be sent to school. Parents need to make a joint decision about which institution he will study at, who will drop him off and pick him up, what clubs to choose for him, and who will go to meetings. When there is no mutual understanding, all these questions only make things worse. Quarrels are inevitable.

At the same time, the child is already developing as a person, understands a lot and begins to ask questions to which parents do not always have answers: why they don’t sleep in the same bedroom, why dad stays late at work, why they don’t go anywhere together. And such “whys” are heard every day. Such psychological direct pressure from children only widens the gap in the couple.

Parents often divorce when the child turns 8: they finished first grade together, put up with each other, and that’s enough. Unfortunately, few people are interested in developmental psychology, which strongly advises against doing this during this period. A student experiencing a divorce may have problems with social adaptation and academic performance.

How to get out of a family crisis 7 years

1. Seek help from a family psychologist.
2. Actively involve your spouse in raising the child.
3. Diversify intimate relationships, try to establish a sexual connection.
4. Find a balance between work and home.
5. Try to balance your educational level and learn a new profession.
6. Do not hold grudges and irritation within yourself, express everything in a constructive dialogue and try to find joint solutions.
7. In case of betrayal, either forgive or divorce.

Universal advice. This is the very crisis that needs to be solved through the satisfaction of sexual needs. It's time to add variety to your intimate life. Go to specialized stores together, buy something new, try, experiment. If you want to save your relationship, the two of you make an appointment with a sexologist.

How to overcome a relationship crisis

Men and women react differently to stress. Women want to find out everything here and now, while men hide their heads in the sand. That is, they withdraw into themselves in order to comprehend everything. That's why it can be so difficult to understand each other. But family is not a battlefield. To quickly overcome a crisis in a relationship, it is important to first admit the problem, sit down and talk.

How to behave in a difficult moment: 7 rules

1. Start listening to your spouse.
2. Don’t hold a grudge, but immediately talk about your feelings.
3. Ask your partner what you can do for them right now. This is very difficult, but it helps to find mutual understanding.
4. Don't get personal or insulting. Respect your spouse and get out of conflicts correctly.
5. Don't make big decisions rashly.
6. Go to a psychologist or relationship training together. Therapy often works wonders, even on its own.
7. Try to get through the acute period patiently, learn flexibility.

Remember, a crisis is a point of growth, a transition to a new stage. You shouldn’t be afraid of him, you need to work on your relationship. If you can handle it, you will have many more years of happy life together. And you will get through the next difficult period easier. True, you will have to learn to understand a man. And how to properly communicate with a loved one, create a strong family and maintain love, I teach in the online course “Secrets of Women’s Happiness”, register for the next stream. In the “Events” section you can see other courses by Pavel Rakov.

Tell us what crises in relationships you have already encountered and how you survived? I am sure your experience will be useful to other readers.

10-14 years

Peak - 10 years (tin wedding).

a brief description of

Psychologists call this crisis of family relationships the second most difficult after the three-year one. Several problematic situations overlap here.

First, both spouses are experiencing a midlife crisis. It is characterized by a depressive state associated with the fact that the dreams of youth have not been achieved, opportunities to achieve something have been missed, and old age is already on the threshold. Overestimating your own experience can result not only in antidepressants and a job change, but also in divorce. After all, the first person who prevented you from achieving your goals is your significant other, who has been dragging you down all this time.

Secondly, the child begins adolescence (12-13 years old), in most cases it goes beyond the control of adults and becomes difficult to manage. Against the backdrop of conflicts with him, the parents enter into confrontation with each other. Phrases are heard more and more often: “You raised him this way,” “No, he is like this because you didn’t raise him,” etc.

Causes:

• prolonged depression, emptiness, emotional burnout;
• loss of interest in family, work, hobbies;
• change of environment, new connections;
• job change;
• the onset of aging (excess weight, wrinkles, gray hair);
• comparison with other, more successful people of this age.

All this is aggravated by the child’s adolescence, which requires increased attention to itself and does not receive it because the parents are going through their own problems. A situation develops in the family when everyone sits in their room with the doors locked and minds their own business. No dinners together, no going to the movies, no talking. In the end, one of the spouses cannot stand it and files for divorce.

How to overcome

1. Don't focus on your inner state. Try to help your other half.
2. Pay more attention to the teenager, talk to him, take part in his life, support healthy hobbies and interests (for both parents).
3. Expand your circle of mutual acquaintances.
4. Do not get involved in social networks and computer games.
5. Do not hush up problems, solve them as they arise.
6. Make an appointment with a family psychologist.
7. Have another child.

Universal advice. To save your marriage at this stage, find a common hobby for the whole family. New impressions, acquaintances, and a change of scenery will help you overcome your midlife crisis and improve your relationship with your teenager. This could be river rafting, cycling, hiking, dancing and much more.

Family crisis: what are the reasons, how to overcome it?

Life without effort and suffering in the pursuit of endless success is the principle of modern civilization. “Isn’t this the reason for the family crisis in Russia and the world?” – we asked Natalia Yarasova, a psychologist at the missionary department of the Tula diocese. The answer required an extensive conversation.

– Natalya, the process of destruction of traditional ideas about the family has accelerated greatly. Why?

– Yes, many people feel this today. Tangible changes took place in just 20 years, but the destructive processes took place not for years or decades, but for centuries. Family values ​​in our country have long been destroyed from outside by Western ideas of freedom and emancipation. But both in the last years of the empire and in Soviet times, the value of the family continued to assert itself despite everything. What now? It is bitter and scary for the older generation - grandparents - to see how 30 years ago extramarital affairs were shameful and forbidden, and a woman who gave birth out of wedlock was subject to public condemnation, and now their grandchildren are trying out trial "marriages", and among their friends already have same-sex couples. Probably, the Iron Curtain raised in the 90s contributed to this, but there are other reasons. At the annual Christmas readings in Moscow and in the church community in general, opinions are heard that the undermining of the usual family structure is a consequence of a deliberate information war.

– In this sense, our psychology and perception of the world have changed irreversibly?

– Studying works on psychology from ancient to modern, talking with people, I am convinced that in fact little has changed. Problems and phenomena are the same as sins, only they have acquired a different wrapper. And any problems that I encounter during consultations are explained by a common misfortune - lack of faith . This reason seems to be the main reason for what is happening to the family today.

According to one biological theory, life is an endless process of ordering chaos, and can Everything good requires effort - even those who are far from religion agree with this. Faith is the result of effort . The Kingdom of Heaven, as we know, is taken by force, and the path to God through trials is great and difficult work. And in order to save the family, you also need to make considerable efforts. The trouble is that today we strive to avoid effort, pain, suffering. And today this desire is fully supported - by advertising, the film industry, the media, and the attitudes set from school.

– The destruction of the family as a social institution is also a consequence of the collapse of specific families. The number of divorces is growing, most “marriages” are not registered at all. Do you agree with what the Russian classic says - that every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way?

– Most likely, no – all problems are very typical. As a rule, the main reason for family imbalance is the popular attitude of people of our generation: everyone owes me, but I owe nothing to anyone. This is where most family conflicts begin. Current morality (or, rather, the lack thereof) is aimed at the fulfillment of “legitimate” desires, at the cult of the individual personality of the CONSUMER of services , and this completely opens a person to passions, making him defenseless. Sacrifice is unpopular and is considered almost slavery, and the call to restrain one’s desires and emotions, to sacrifice needs for the sake of another, often

The trouble is that people who call themselves and consider themselves Orthodox are susceptible to these attitudes . Working with clients who come to appointments, I often observe with sadness that Orthodoxy is a garment that a person has thrown on himself over superstitions, over the performance of rituals and “reading” of prayer rules, and he has no understanding of Christianity as the desire to be like Christ . And the reason for spiritual illiteracy is not a lack of catechesis, but a person’s own reluctance to go beyond the fulfillment of external instructions. Alas, such nominal Orthodoxy and external

Therefore, a psychologist can do little here, because he is only a “crutch” for the human soul, on which you can rely; his competence is only the prevention of problems. A person must make the path to God himself, measuring his life against the commandments. And without a deep understanding of the Gospel, without thoughtful prayer, without confession, this path is impossible.

– What do repentance and confession mean from the point of view of Orthodox psychology?

– This is in every sense a positive emotional process leading to catharsis. Repentance from the point of view of a psychologist is always pain, a tragedy, after experiencing which a person overcomes himself and becomes better. And coming to repentance is not easy. We tend to justify ourselves, to paint a positive image of “I” - by the way, this property is inherent precisely in highly intelligent individuals. This is how a resourceful mind invents loopholes for conscience, invents new rules, and such cunning leads away from faith. True, opposite manifestations of the psyche are also possible: there are people who can repent of literally everything, who take the blame upon themselves for things that they have never done. The formulation “sinful in everything” should alert any priest in order to notice and recognize false humility, which, as we know, is worse than pride.

The task of an Orthodox psychologist is to feel the fine line: not to stigmatize a person, his sinfulness, but
to help him see the action of sins and passions in himself, be horrified by them and turn his life 180 degrees - towards God.
But, it seems to me, the help of a specialist is needed mainly by those who have not taught themselves how to thoroughly prepare for confession - those who have not had the skills to confess since childhood. And those Orthodox Christians who live church life and participate in the sacraments most likely do not need a psychologist - a conversation with their confessor and those three to five minutes during confession are enough for them. After all, real confession occurs long before the service - it begins with personal repentance in prayer, reading the rule, remembering sins, writing a note. And at the liturgy, the apotheosis of long-term repentance occurs - a wonderful process of internal work on oneself.

– You touched on the topic of self-justification and avoidance of responsibility, from which a person and his loved ones especially suffer. What is this – a consequence of mental infantilism?

– Perhaps, on the contrary – her high development, such grief from the mind that has found a convenient way of existence. But there are, however, a lot of troubles from this, for example, the popular child-free and child-heid movements, which promote living for your own pleasure - without children. Several years ago, I participated in an educational program for the anti-abortion movement in Tula and directly encountered the aggression of people who were foaming at the mouth and shouting about their right to abortion. Among them there were many women who declared that the child was a monster who wanted to disfigure their body and was therefore guilty of death. Of course, the followers of the movements in Russia are still an absolute minority, but

Often, due to the desire to evade responsibility , domestic violence also occurs - many cases of severe beating of adults and children are explained by the perpetrators by the fact that they were... provoked, thereby completely absolving themselves of blame.

To be responsible means to get married, take care of a family, give birth and raise children . Therefore, choice and responsibility from the point of view of a practical individual are not useful qualities, and even harmful for peace and comfort. But today, more than ever, they discover in a person his true Christianity.

– Then what is the measure of responsibility of an Orthodox psychologist?

– Very great, perhaps higher than that of doctors, because he is responsible not only for a person’s emotional state, for his earthly life, but also – partly – for his future life. Those who seek help are people on the edge: victims of cults, their loved ones and those who communicate with them. As a rule, these are people with religious quests and aspirations, and this helps build dialogue. But there are areas in which psychology is practically powerless - these are suicidal disorders, drug addiction, alcoholism, in which a secular specialist has almost no foothold. But when a psychologist and his client are united by faith in Salvation and Eternal Life, they also have arguments in favor of not overstepping the dangerous line. Sometimes healing comes through tears and pain, but this is the only way to overcome a crisis - for example, returning to the relatives of a loved one who has fallen into a sect.

– Is a sect also an escape from responsibility, an escape into an alternative reality?

- Partly, yes. Most often, those who have problems in the family , who lack attention and love, join the sect. “Love bombing” is a favorite technique of many destructive religious organizations. The sectarians begin to violently express emotions, hug you, greet you cordially, lonely people are immediately captivated by this. But the real problem of such people is not that they are not loved, but that they themselves are not able to love . This internal discord, instability and at the same time emotional licentiousness often lead to the network of sectarian preachers. Therefore, the first task of a psychologist in working with them is to establish family life . For some reason, many people don’t like to talk about their good feelings, much less talk about love, and it can be difficult to break this stereotype. It is difficult to motivate a person not to conflict at home, to create an atmosphere of goodwill, to extinguish aggression, to suppress one’s “selfishness”, pride, to elevate oneself to the absolute level, to show sacrifice, but this work gives results. And there are many examples when it was possible to return a person from a sect and restore a family.

We were contacted by relatives of those who fell into the sect of valeologists, universologists, who were carried away by radical Baptists during their popular apartments in the early 2000s.
Relatives of newly-minted adherents were sometimes threatened with physical harm and tried to take away their apartments. But it was even more terrible to see how the family was being destroyed, how skillfully and artificially hatred of relatives was kindled, and the love of people who loved each other was devalued Priests, missionaries, and psychologists made a lot of efforts to change the situation, and every success was a celebration.
Some of those we pulled out remember this and maintain relationships. – Today, Orthodox psychologists are often accused of allegedly usurping the functions of a priest and giving categorical “spiritual” advice. Are there any grounds for such accusations?

– All this refers, rather, to occult psychologists who, with the help of aggressive training, put their ideas into people’s heads, manipulate consciousness, and this carries great danger. A good professional psychologist - both secular and Orthodox - never imposes his ideas . It all depends on the specific specialist, but ideally the psychologist should help the priest to the best of his ability, consult with him himself and advise the person to go to church on spiritual issues. In everyday troubles, many seek human participation and are not accustomed to turning to God. And the task of an Orthodox psychologist, without imposing his beliefs, is to instill this good habit.

– Psychologists are susceptible to professional burnout – they have to endure a huge amount of pain that is shared with them. What helps you not burn out?

– Openness, empathy, sympathy for a person, an emotional response – all these are conditions for normal counseling work of a psychologist, but they should not allow the specialist to surrender to his own emotions – we call this pathological counter-transference . But we are people too, and there are situations when feelings get out of control. Then you have to say “stop” to work so as not to lose faith in people and in your own strength. Another factor that breaks my colleagues is the feeling of their own powerlessness in the face of a client’s problem. But it’s easier for an Orthodox psychologist, because he understands that what he cannot change must be left to God , because everything is in His Hands. My goal is to do no harm, to look for a way out together, so that the person himself goes the right way. I have been studying psychology for seventeen years, and from the moment I taught myself to rely on God’s help, work brings joy. It's very encouraging when you can help. For example, to save families - to renew the flow of mutual love in them.

Interviewed by Valentina Kidenko

Photo by the author

15-19 years old

Peak - 15 years (crystal wedding).

a brief description of

This crisis has a specific name - empty nest syndrome. By this age, children go to school, join the army, start their own families, and get a job. In a word, they begin to build their own lives and become independent. The couple, who may have been held together by children all these years, feels abandoned and lonely. It may turn out that they no longer have common interests. Such a discovery often leads to divorce even at this age.

Causes:

• children leaving the family;
• emptiness in the house and emptiness in the soul;
• lack of common interests;
• loss of attraction to each other;
• Each spouse lives a separate life.

How to improve relationships

1. Talk to each other.
2. Find new common ground.
3. Joint efforts to help children arrange their new lives.
4. Go on a long trip abroad together.
5. Let's start realizing the dreams of our youth together.
6. Do not stoop to mutual reproaches.
7. Have another child.

Universal advice. As a rule, by this time people achieve a certain financial independence. Take advantage of this. Make your spouse's dream come true. Buy him an expensive watch that he has always dreamed of, or a ticket to travel around the world. This will allow both to understand that life is not over: on the contrary, it’s time to start living for yourself.

What kind of crises happen in a family?

Crises in relationships with husbands are often classified by year. However, other periods that are not tied to a specific time can be distinguished. Let's first look at the main stages.

8 crisis stages in relationships:

Immediately after the wedding,
the euphoria of the honeymoon quickly passes, everyday life and minor quarrels begin.
New habits and character traits of the spouses emerge that the lovers had no idea about before. Mutual claims emerge. Accordingly, a chill is felt in bed, and doubts arise in the soul. A difficult period begins to test the strength of a young family. Crisis of the first year
If immediately after the wedding you were able to get along and didn’t even notice the first crisis, then now the accumulated grievances are making themselves felt.
According to statistics, it is in the first year of marriage that most families break up. But many unions can be saved if you really want to. After the birth of a child
With the advent of the first child, the usual way of life changes greatly.
The woman begins to give all her attention to the baby, and the husband often becomes jealous. Plus fatigue, lack of sleep, fluctuating hormones, lack of funds, etc. All this pushes spouses into conflicts even for no apparent reason. And if you were not ready for a child and were not ripe for marriage, this period is experienced especially acutely. Crises during life trials and changes
Of course, when something serious happens in the life of a family, it is stressful for everyone.
For example, the loss of a loved one, moving, losing a job, etc. This all also changes relationships. Loved ones learn to support each other in difficult situations, try to negotiate, and get along in new conditions. Quarrels and misunderstandings begin again. Crisis of three years
Usually, these are the years when the first child appears.
And at the same time, passion fades away, romance goes away, and various problems appear. Spouses may get tired of each other. This is often a long-term crisis and it is not so easy to survive it. Crisis 7-8 years of marriage
Children are growing up, problems are increasing, everyday life is completely stuck.
Hello, new difficult stage. Conflicts are becoming more frequent, old grievances may resurface, and new claims will probably appear. 12-15 years of marriage
This period often coincides with the midlife crisis of the spouses, when life’s results are summed up.
Men begin to be drawn to exploits, women - to self-realization and drastic changes. Fears, anxiety, suspicion, and problems in bed may appear. Crisis after 20-25 years of marriage
When the children grow up, the husband and wife are left alone with each other. Often this leads to another crisis stage. If there are no common goals, married life seems boring and meaningless, quarrels appear out of nowhere.

Well, as you can see, there are definitely enough crises for your lifetime. Usually, stressful stages in a family's life cannot be avoided. One way or another, you will still encounter some of the listed moments, because ideal relationships only exist in fairy tales, and even then not a fact. But there is good news - the crisis can be mitigated, dealt with safely and then grow spiritually. Of course, any difficult stage is preceded by certain events. And if you understand the reason, it will be easier to act.