What happens in a family that is 3–6 and 7–9 years old (Crises in relationships. Part 2)

In one of the previous articles, we looked at the crisis of a three-year relationship. And now we are ready to move on to a detailed consideration of the issue of the next period of formation of family relationships. As noted earlier, any crisis is a round of development.

Sometimes, difficult stages in the life of spouses together are overcome through conflicts, quarrels, confrontations and mutual claims. So, the crisis of three years has passed, the couple “learned” to live together. But why do subsequent crises arise? Why can't we do without them?!

Characteristics of the crisis period

On the one hand, there is an established common life and relationships. On the other hand, satiety with addiction occurs, thoughts arise about the dubiousness of further life together, about the mistake of choice .
This inevitably leads to quarrels, conflicts, and disagreements. Often spouses cannot even understand the reasons for their occurrence. The occurrence of crises is individual, because each family is unique, it has its own characteristics, rules, traditions. It is difficult to compare families; one can only highlight certain common features that are characteristic of all. Much depends on the behavior of family members.

There are practically conflict-free relationships within a couple, and there are those in which disagreements arise especially often. But there are such psychologically important periods in family relationships when the danger of conflicts is most likely. One of these dangerous periods is the crisis of 7 years of marriage. Psychologists consider this period a kind of turning point.

Alarming symptoms of crisis 7 years

• Complex family conflicts, their causes may be the most trivial, but they grow like a snowball, drag on for a long time and painfully. The reasons may be forgotten, but the conflict itself does not go away.
• Weakening of sexual desire. Passion subsides, and along with it, sexual desire disappears, sometimes this leads to the cessation of sexual relations. Sex as a “heavy duty.”
• Irritability towards your partner. Those cute features that just recently delighted you begin to terribly irritate and drive you crazy.
• Relationships become a burden, “sacrifice” manifests itself. The couple has to hide negative feelings.
• Cheating on one of the spouses. The search for new sexual partners begins.

Why does a crisis come to a couple’s relationship?

This is an existential crisis in a family union, which means that a man and a woman need to find a new meaning for their relationship. The entire past period of family life is called into question, and the usual foundations of life are revised.

Having been married for 7 years, a man and a woman begin to ask questions: “Why are we together?”, “What can I change in my life?”, “Why has family life become a routine and a heavy duty?” The system of old relationships is collapsing, the task of the crisis is to search for new meaning, changes in the couple’s relationship. And if the problems are solved, the crisis is overcome!

Peculiarities

After seven years of marriage together, a crisis of monotony and accumulation of problems often begins. For 7 years, life has been adjusted. Family responsibilities are shared. The child(ren) is growing up. A feeling of routine, emptiness, and monotony is created.

A crisis is not born out of thin air. It begins with small strokes that intensify and reach a climax. Initial symptoms of a crisis: focusing on the shortcomings rather than the best qualities of a partner, the pressure of everyday life, weakening of the pleasure of communication.

Fact. During the seven-year crisis in family relations, the number of divorces is increasing.

Due to predictability and constancy, there is a distance from each other. Interest loses its edge. Conflicts begin. Although this figure is quite arbitrary and individual. Rather, its average value is given. After all, each individual marriage has its own laws of development, features, traditions, and characters.

Main signs of crisis 7 years

During this period the following phenomena are observed:

• increased frequency of quarrels, angry statements;
• manifestation of indifference;
• weakening of sexual sensations;
• showing interest in other possible partners.

Usually, after seven years of married life, there is a child in the family, sometimes more than one. Disputes about growing children can also cause family quarrels. There is not always agreement on issues of education. Sometimes children do not live up to expectations and hopes. This can give rise to mutual reproaches. But children can feel their supposed guilt, and this will not have the best effect on them

Advice. There is no need to assume that the child does not understand anything at all. It is enough to listen to the stories of adults about their childhood memories to understand that even if now he is not fully aware of what he is observing, this does not cancel his feelings and emotions.

The couple are still beautiful and young. Sometimes there are attempts to try yourself in other relationships. At this age there are many suitable candidates. It seems to the spouse that it is important to feel like a man, to be distracted. And women may wonder: did she choose that one? However, others seem better from a distance. The shortcomings are not immediately noticeable. Time will pass and they will reveal themselves.

There is a misconception that the best is behind us. Ahead lies boredom, monotony, problems. During the 7-year crisis, it is often the woman who initiates quarrels. Drunkenness, drug addiction, and beatings cannot be justified. In other cases, there are a lot of compromises.

Crisis of 7 years of marriage: changing stereotypes

It is known for certain that development does not always follow a smooth path of evolution. In his life's journey, every person at certain periods finds himself in a state that is commonly called a crisis. However, it is simply necessary to go through this stage in order to return to the path of formation and development or to identify new paths and vectors.

Crises happen in the life of not only an individual, but also in relationships between people; the crisis manifests itself especially clearly in family life and in relationships between partners. One of the most difficult moments of marriage is the crisis of 7 years. Why exactly 7 years? The digital reference point, in fact, can be different, deviating in one direction or another by several units. But most often, the crisis hits families with seven years of experience, because just during this period of time the spouses have time to study each other, feelings lose their fervor - and that very distancing from each other occurs, which entails a long list of actualizing problems.

During a crisis, the following metamorphoses occur in marital relationships:

• partners move away from each other. Relationships between a man and a woman become cold due to constancy and predictability. Interest in each other becomes minimal or disappears altogether, which pushes for leaving (this does not have to be betrayal, leaving can be for a career, for a relationship with a child, for domestic concerns);
• your partner's actions cause irritation. What initially seemed like cute features now only cause negative reactions due to repetition. Observing the same behavioral reactions and habits kills faith in the versatility of life, maintains one in a state of certain rigidity and stagnation;
• sexual attraction to each other decreases, the desire to please a partner loses its significance, which is why the distance between once close people grows more and more, prospects become more and more vague;
• the leading emotions are disappointment and irrational resentment towards the partner.

An excellent webinar by Denis Burkhaev, well describes the psychospiritual crisis and offers solutions.

What is needed during this period to successfully overcome the crisis and save the family?

The fact is that during a crisis there is a reassessment of values, which people often resist. Therefore, during this period of disappointment, it is important to work on realizing the plus, restructuring stereotypes and shifting emphasis in the value system. This will help:

• communication. For the most part, the crisis manifests itself in the inability to hear and understand each other’s position. Therefore, try to move the dialogue from those same boring routine conditions to others that may change both your mood and point of view. Don’t talk at home, over a cold dinner - go on a weekend hike, for a walk, to the river, to a restaurant. Anywhere. Try to change the situation - and after it, and the attitude towards your marriage;
• personal space. Staying together for a long time in one territory gives rise to the problem that individual needs are often ignored, which accumulates and leads to the fact that a person does not feel like himself. Each partner has the right to personal space and personal time for activities and thoughts that he needs for self-actualization;
• change. In relationships, certain stereotypical patterns of behavior have developed that cause irritation and interfere with development. Don’t be afraid to admit this to yourself and your partner, think about what and how each of you could change.

Stability is good until it erases the colors and interferes with the taste of life. Don’t be afraid of a crisis - accept its challenge, team up with your partner to defeat it, and your relationship will certainly reach a new stage of development.

Causes of crisis situations

1. A feeling of uniformity, monotony, the too familiar rhythm of the existing relationship. The days are alike.
2. Moving away from each other, decreased sexuality. Lack of romance. Decreased tenderness and sensuality. Ignoring the importance of the sexual side of life for men. Weakening of the desire to be sexually attractive to the husband.
3. Disagreements arise. All traits and aspects of character have already been learned. They begin to defend their own opinion, infringing on the position of the other half. Satisfying your own desires while ignoring your partner’s needs. Inability to give in or compromise.
4. Everyday problems. Mutual reproaches on this basis.
5. Lack of romance. It is important especially for women. The absence or smaller number of admirations, crazy actions, and holidays reduces emotional satisfaction.

How to survive a relationship crisis

It is necessary to consider and decide whether saving the marriage is truly necessary. And what does your partner think about it? Without confidence and desire, it is difficult to save family relationships.

However, in most cases the prognosis remains positive. We need to analyze the time spent together, traditions, habits. Among which, identify events with a “plus” and “minus” sign.

Events and facts with a plus sign

• outdoor recreation with the whole family;
• joint trips to the sea and other vacation spots;
• interesting time spent together: mushroom hunting, swimming in the river, visiting sports complexes, cultural events;
• the presence of feelings that you are loved and in love;
• any interesting entertainment: picnics, cinema, excursions, cafes.

Events and facts with a minus sign

• disdainful attitude towards a partner during joint affairs;
• receiving reproaches instead of the expected support and praise;
• expression of disapproval or envy.

An analysis of everyday life, relationships, reasons for cooling, disappointments is necessary.

A reliable way is to simply talk. Silence only makes problems worse.

It is important to understand that there is no one person to blame for the current situation. Both are always to blame. Be able to admit this to yourself honestly, without shifting all the blame onto your marriage partner.

Important. Without hearing each other, it is impossible to reach agreement.

Review your own requirements. Cannot or does not want to fulfill a request - two different things. Don't feel the need to justify yourself. Simple communication and a change of scenery are optimal. Using the magic words “Have it your way.”

Providing personal space to the partner to fulfill individual needs. Everyone has the right to personal time and space, activities and thoughts.

What to do? How to overcome a crisis and maintain relationships?

When working with each conflict-generating factor that we have considered, there must be an individual approach, because each family is unique, as are the unique problems that it faces.

Family as a system. If the main source of conflict and tension between spouses is failure to accept their family role or the foundations and traditions of their other half’s family, then the most effective solution would be to consult a family psychologist. A specialist will help you understand the intricacies of family subsystems, the features of family history that have shaped certain laws of family existence and its integrity.

Understanding the reasons for the emergence of certain foundations, traditions and the specifics of relationships between family members will allow you to reconsider your views on many events and understand exactly what impact the global family system has on marital relations.

Developmental crises in children

The problems of children's age-related crises can be solved quite easily, provided that parents understand the peculiarities of their course. A three-year-old child behaves badly, demands independence and has become rude towards his parents, throwing tantrums due to the lack of immediate satisfaction of his desires. This behavior can be mistaken for eccentricity, poor upbringing, and spoiled behavior.

You can punish a child for such behavior, limit his attempts to take initiative, scold and threaten. Or you can try to understand what is happening to him, study information about the peculiarities of the crisis, help the child overcome age-related changes in the psyche and complete a difficult stage of development. Love and attention to the child, information of a psychological and pedagogical nature from reliable sources, cohesion of parents - this is what will help overcome the child’s age crisis.

Routine

Fighting routine is quite difficult. The same worries, the same responsibilities, romance disappears from life, adventures, new emotions and events become rare. The most important thing is the ability to relax and enjoy life.

It often happens that vacation is perceived as an opportunity to lie on the couch and watch TV, download a series from the Internet. Think about it, is this really a good rest? Remember what gave you and your significant other pleasure at the beginning of your family life? What helped you feel fulfilled and spiritually comfortable? Make a list of your family’s traditions together and focus on positive emotions.

Let your children adopt traditions and foundations, because they will bring them into their families and pass them on to their children. Learn new things, don’t be afraid to learn something, master some interesting activity, pay attention to the colors that surround you. Look for inspiration in art and the surrounding nature.

Desire for autonomy

There is nothing wrong with the fact that spouses can strive for autonomy, for something “only their own.” An interesting hobby and hobby can, if desired, be shared with children. This will not only strengthen the emotional connection in the parent-child relationship, but will also enable the child to develop harmoniously.

You have the right to personal space and time, you have the right to take care of yourself and enjoy communication with others and success in your activities. You have the right to receive new knowledge and additional education. And you have the right to understanding, approval and support from your loved ones.

Any hobby and passion that fills you with resources has the right to be present in your life, be it fishing, yoga, gym classes or dancing, archery or a chess club, growing orchids or hiking in the mountains, picking mushrooms or embroidery. Your sense of comfort and satisfaction from life can inspire and charge all members of your family with positive emotions.

What is important to do during a difficult period

The following actions will help you get out of the crisis with minimal losses, and even possibly gains:

• talk with each other , discuss any problem in a calm tone;
• not only speak, but also listen, and most importantly, hear ;
• If possible, avoid quarrels and pressure on each other ;
• show love and tenderness as before, because not only words are important, but also a look, a touch, a smile;
• make every effort to eliminate displeasure, introduce romance and, to some extent, play ;
• identify irritating factors , find ways to get rid of them;
• calmly discuss, plan, set deadlines ;
• set a common tempting goal , save money for it, try to enjoy even the little things together;
• distribute family responsibilities , constantly helping each other;
• diversify your home and life in general;
• solve all financial issues together , give good advice, discuss issues of saving the family budget;
• do not reproach your partner for what you did not have time to do, but praise your partner for what you have already done.

In particularly difficult cases, it is necessary to contact a specialist.

Psychologist's advice

If difficult situations arise, it is recommended to contact psychologists. They will help you understand your specific situation and give individual advice. They also developed general recommendations.

1. If it is impossible to avoid quarrels, be able to pause , remain silent, and write your complaints on a piece of paper. During the period of recording and simultaneous analysis, it is often possible to calm down by looking at the problem differently.
2. Remember a happy past . After all, at the beginning of our journey together, everything was different, there was a lot of light, kindness, and warmth. The feelings that gave birth to the family were sincere.
3. To be happy, you definitely need to travel together 4-5 times a year . Don't forget about the romantic side of relationships. Trips do not have to be long, because the budget must be calculated rationally.
4. Escape from everyday life and routine, change the environment more often .
5. A woman, after giving birth to children and devoting almost all her time to them, should not forget about her husband . Live not for the sake of children, but with them, to remain happy.
6. harsh judgments and insults, forgive and apologize . Subsequently, this will be appreciated by the spouses.
7. Take a break from each other . Psychologists advise spending one month apart.
8. many situations with a sense of humor; statements that can upset you are translated into jokes .

Psychologists compare marriage to a living organism. Just as the body develops, changes, and sometimes gets sick, so does marriage.

Ways out of the crisis

Every crisis has its end. What it will be depends on the two.

The crisis of 7 years of marriage reveals weaknesses, points out gaps and shortcomings. There is always a way out.

However, if you were unable to overcome the crisis, you need to make sure that you really fought (at least six months).

Interesting. The 7-year crisis is a catalyst that helps you see cracks in relationships and family life.

Having overcome the crisis, it is necessary to bring relations to a new stage of development. After all, a period of second love may come. And do not strive to start another relationship without marriage. You just need to take care of yourself, body, appearance, soul.

Having survived the crisis with dignity, the family will only become stronger. The spouses will be able to like each other again. We just need to remember the importance of the following factors:

• communication;
• harmonious sex;
• attention, care, embodiment of crazy ideas.

The seven-year crisis is a kind of threshold that can be overcome while maintaining beneficial relationships in marriage. However, you can stumble, receiving a harbinger of a big thunderstorm on the family horizon. Skillfully overcoming the crisis will give confidence and strength for the further flourishing of relations. The entire future life of the family often depends on this.

Crisis 7 years of relationship

This crisis does not necessarily happen after 7 years of marriage, it can begin a little earlier or later, 7 years is a relative figure.

The crisis of a 7-year relationship is a problem in a mature marriage. During this time, most likely, children appeared in the family, and all family members begin to experience some acute age of the child together with him: an age crisis of 3 years or a crisis of 7 years. In addition, spouses, one or both, may experience a midlife crisis.

The period of 7 years is a “new” round of monotony and routine. If the routine of the crisis of the 3-year relationship has dissipated with the unity of the spouses before new long-term strategic tasks: the acquisition and arrangement of housing, the development and upbringing of children, then by the 7th year all these issues no longer attract novelty and instead of excitement cause melancholy and disgust.

By the age of 7, a family is already a large household and a complex organism: the more people in the family, the more different interweavings, conflicting needs, and clashes of interests. A crisis always makes things worse. Therefore, the better the relationship is built, the stronger the emotional intimacy has been built and the learning to negotiate during periods of past disagreements, the easier it is to overcome the crisis, and vice versa.

A crisis of 7 years in a relationship can unfold in very different ways. It is difficult to identify a universal general pattern of events here.

Its essence is expressed in the distance between spouses from each other

. The distance can be so strong that the spouses are no longer connected by anything and their relationship ceases to be of value. One of the spouses may find satisfaction of their needs outside the family: this could be betrayal: due to the monotony of their sex life or emotional betrayal: satisfying the need to share emotions, receive support; going to work: following the same routine algorithm is easier than delving into the underlying causes of a damaged relationship - the day is busy with something, and there is no time to deal with your spouse. This could be taking care of the household, excessive preoccupation with children’s problems, constant help to relatives or friends to the detriment of the family, etc.

I will give you one real example. (Cases are provided only with the consent of clients, names and some life details have been changed).

The family of Nadezhda and Alexander turned to a psychologist in their 9th year of marriage. By this time, the family had three children: a 9-year-old daughter and 5-year-old twins. The spouses turned out to be very distant from each other, because... With the birth of the twins, Nadezhda began to take great care of the children, and her husband began to work more. The moment of crisis of 3 years of marriage occurred at the time of the birth of twins. The spouses further compensated for the increasing tension and boredom from the monotony with the following things: he went to work, and she went to child care.

As a result, by 9 years of marriage, they lived completely different lives

: she got up at 6-7 in the morning, doing housework, taking the children to classes and leaving for work, he left for work later and returned at 23.30-0.00, when the children were already asleep, and she, exhausted by the insane amount of things to do, was no longer in able to talk and be interested in his life.

Her weak attempts to get him to help with the housework and children meant that she, worried about his incompetence in these matters, constantly intervened and overly controlled him. Which led to even greater distance, and, as a result, the husband began to find things to do on the weekends (fortunately, the work represented his own business, in which the schedule was completely irregular).

It turns out to be a paradox

: It seems that both are trying for the family: he earns money, she raises children, but the family as such actually
does not exist
, because... there is no basis, no basic skeleton - marital interaction. Their relationship became like that of neighbors in a communal apartment.

When they finally started talking in consultations rather than blaming each other, it turned out that they had completely different ideas about the budget, about raising children, and even about how to spend their free time! But all these are the tasks of the previous crisis of 3 years of relations, which were not resolved in a timely manner.

Contact began to improve when they heard about each other’s needs, for example, that he would like to watch TV for a while in the evening after work without listening to reproaches: “I could play with the children or take the laundry out of the washing machine!”, and she could relax, leaving the children with him.

Once they were able to agree on a general grocery shopping plan, a stay-at-home-with-the-kids process, he could actually get the job done from start to finish without her interference.

Further work was aimed at recreating emotional intimacy and focusing on the good in the relationship.

Remember that the crisis in itself is not scary, inaction and despondency are scary. Take action, fight for relationships and for your love!

Sincerely, psychologist Alla Chugueva. https://www.reflexia.ru

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Family consultation on the topic of crisis 7 years in a relationship

You may also be interested in the training How to overcome a crisis in the relationship between a man and a woman.

Crisis in relationships
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