How to avoid frequent family quarrels?
It is impossible to completely avoid quarrels and conflicts. But you can take steps to reduce them, making your life much happier.
No need to change your partner's character
Sometimes your spouse's weaknesses and shortcomings begin to irritate you. And people try to change a person. Unsuccessful attempts are stressful and make life unbearable for both spouses. After all, what you don’t like about a person may be a highlight for other people. It is worth remembering that at the beginning of the relationship, this habit or character trait was quite acceptable.
Don't bring up the past
You shouldn't worry about your spouse's past life. Everything that happened before was before you. Every person has a past. People can't change it. Why dig around and pull out memories from oblivion that can ruin life in the present.
“Do you remember how you…” - petty insults and vindictive reproaches can destroy respect in the family.
Don't listen to the opinions of outsiders
Attempts by friends and relatives to “open their eyes” to their spouse are not always from good intentions. Listening to the opinions of “well-wishers”, over time you can doubt that you are right. Don't discuss your partner with anyone. Don't let anyone talk about him in a negative tone. You cannot tell your loved ones about the disagreement.
Control what is said in anger
Women, especially, in a fit of anger, can say such things that they themselves remain terrified. It is very difficult to explain later that what was said has nothing to do with reality. “The word is not a sparrow...” and the spouse will remember the offensive, unfair words for a long time. Humiliation of male dignity can be especially fatal. And if this is repeated often, it leads to a complete break in the relationship.
Don't hush up problems
Frequent clarification of relationships and controversial issues exhausts spouses. Sometimes one of them, tired of quarrels, silently agrees with his other half. Hidden resentment and a sense of injustice accumulate in the soul, demanding release, causing stress and illness. And at one opportune moment a huge scandal occurs when all the accumulated negativity falls on the spouse’s head. Often such scandals end in divorce.
Trust your partner
Jealousy can make family life unbearable. Constant control, surveillance, eavesdropping on conversations humiliate a person. Life under the gun, the need for excuses cannot last long. It’s impossible to protect yourself from your partner’s betrayal in this way, and it’s not worth it.
Admit your mistakes
Even if you have done something rash and wrong, it is better to admit it in time. Asking for forgiveness and trying to correct the situation is a sure way to improve relationships and avoid conflicts.
Look at the problem with your partner's gases
Even if you are completely confident that you are right, you must try to assess the problem from your partner’s side. Sometimes this method produces amazing results. It turns out that the current situation is also your fault.
You need to quarrel correctly
It is impossible to imagine family life without quarrels and showdowns. Ideal families only exist in bad movies. But we must correctly defend our truth. • speak in a calm tone; • do not interrupt your partner; • start a difficult conversation when both are calm; • do not criticize or use your “neighbor” as an example; • your rightness must be supported by facts and arguments; • do not quarrel in front of strangers, especially in front of children:
What is a quarrel?
An argument is an interaction in which the parties involved express angry disagreement with each other. Quarrels are indeed necessary. Ideal couples also argue, but thanks to this they improve their relationship and get to know each other even better. There are, however, some types of arguments that can destroy even the strongest relationships. What types of conflicts are most harmful?
Contempt.
This is a sign of disrespect for another person. No one wants to be bullied, not taken seriously, or insulted.
Game of silence.
This is a form of arguing that leads nowhere. Partners simply do not communicate with each other. They keep all emotions, grievances, comments to themselves, moving away from each other. A wall is created between them, and with each “quiet” quarrel it becomes higher. Both sides cease to understand each other and do not even want to do so. Lack of communication in a relationship is one of the main reasons for breakup.
Criticism.
When there are no arguments, but simply blaming the other person for all the failures, this is a warning signal. The claim can be expressed emotionally, but the goal is not to accuse the partner of all mortal sins, but to present your point of view, including your mistakes. If the argument is based only on criticism, this is a direct path to separation.
Shifting the blame.
This form of quarrel consists not only of pointing out the partner’s mistakes, but also of shifting responsibility for one’s own mistakes. Guilt imposition is manipulation that can lead to problems in relationships. If efforts to improve relationships are one-sided, and the other party does not respect their partner at all, does not take him seriously, then things are bad.
Take the compatibility test
Signs of an imminent breakup
If constant quarrels in the family lead to insults and physical abuse, you need to think about divorce. The constant stress in which a person lives in such a family will certainly affect his psychological and physical health. Insomnia and depression appear, performance and quality of life decrease. Divorce is the only way out of a difficult situation.
Constant nagging
You put your shoes in the wrong place, washed the dishes wrong, looked askance, etc. - sometimes clinging to trifles becomes constant. Failure to fulfill a whim causes aggression and irritation. This behavior indicates that love and respect are no longer there.
After frequent routine squabbles, there is no desire for quick reconciliation. The fear of losing a loved one disappears. Constant conflicts kill love.
Thoughts about the upcoming temporary separation bring joy
Living together is not complete without a showdown. And the spouse’s departure to work, on a business trip, or to meet friends is eagerly awaited. The thought of an imminent meeting spoils the mood. I don’t want to write SMS, call and talk about how boring the world is apart. If the spouses feel great being apart, it is better to separate.
Loneliness together
Although there are plenty of complaints and reasons for quarrels, I no longer want to sort things out. There is a desire to be alone. Increasingly, interior doors remain closed. There is no longer any need to share the details of your day with your partner. The question “How are you?” becomes rhetorical and does not require a detailed answer. There is no desire to help and support in difficult times. Making a sacrifice for a loved one becomes impossible. Why live together if you have become strangers?
One partner always agrees to reconcile
Quarrels have become frequent, and one is always the first to make contact and reconcile. He will soon get tired of this circumstance and then a break in the relationship is inevitable. And if both spouses show their pride, this will happen much faster.
The desire to subjugate a partner
Most often in families, it is men who have the desire to subjugate their wives. During family squabbles, he tries to insult and intimidate the woman. He likes it when she is in his power. This behavior cannot continue for long. This is exactly the case when you need to leave without hesitation.
Disrespect and contempt
Often the cause of quarrels is contempt. It doesn’t matter what caused it: a collapsed business, failures at work, or an overweight figure. Feeling condemnation in the eyes of the spouse, coldness and detachment appear in response. The spouses cannot continue living together.
Are arguments in relationships normal?
First, you need to stop believing in the myths that are firmly entrenched in the minds of many people.
Myth 1. There are no relationships without quarrels.
There are many sayings on this topic like “A relationship without quarrels is like soup without salt.” This common myth is reassuring because it instills the idea that this is the norm, that your couple is not the only one like this and no matter who you start dating, clashes are inevitable.
In fact, about 18% of couples don't fight. On the one hand, this is an insignificant number. On the other hand, it destroys the myth that it is impossible to build relationships without scandals. However, here it is worth taking a closer look at the reasons for such peaceful coexistence:
- 10% of couples do not quarrel because they have been living together for more than 10 years;
- 3% do not see the point in this, because for some reason they both benefit from this relationship, and they turn a blind eye to the rest (arranged marriages);
- 5% are, rather, an exception: in these couples people of the same temperament with similar views on life came together, both calm, wise and not conflicting.
One more thing. It’s not always worth believing those who deliberately convince everyone that there are no quarrels with your significant other. Perhaps they simply do not want to bring these problems into public view and are trying to maintain the status of good and peaceful relations.
Case from practice. The young man tried in vain to build relationships with girls. Each time, frequent quarrels and irreconcilable conflicts became the cause of separation. He began to visit a psychologist and after some time reported that he had found the only one who did not throw him hysterics, was not jealous over trifles, and did not make impossible demands. The happiness did not last long: after a year and a half, he found out that all this time she had been cheating on him, and was living with him because of the apartment in which they lived together. And she didn’t make any complaints for one single reason: she didn’t love him, and she didn’t care where he was, with whom and why he didn’t compliment her.
Myth 2. Quarrels strengthen relationships.
Yes, there are arguments in psychology that support this:
- after them, the soul becomes calmer, because grievances are expressed;
- they show that both partners are imperfect;
- this is a reason to think about the adequacy and reality of your desires and claims;
- prevention of egocentrism: it is in quarrels that people understand that the other person also has the right to defend their interests;
- both know what their other half thinks and feels.
Despite all the arguments, quarrels do not always strengthen the union of two hearts. If they occur once a month and their cause is not in over-salted borscht, but in serious situations, they can be beneficial. An adrenaline rush, expressing your point of view, listening to your partner, resolving a problem - all this is necessary for building good relationships. But, if violent scandals with shouts throughout the house occur almost every day, and the reason for them is a sidelong glance to the side or a five-minute delay at work, they do not bring anything good about themselves.
Understand for yourself that a quarrel is not a quarrel. If partners can restrain their emotions and are focused on maintaining the relationship, they will carry a rational and useful grain within them. If scandals are accompanied by screaming, hysteria, and fights, this often becomes the cause of breakups.
Money
Money permeates almost every area of a family's life. There are many situations. Marriage with a person who has completely different financial goals (or their complete absence) and life habits is fraught with frequent disagreements. Or when the topic of money in the family is taboo, and the spouses do not talk about money until they bring the family to a state of bankruptcy or financial (credit) slavery. Or when one spouse earns significantly more than the other, which causes dominance. Or a constant lack of money, etc. All these and many other monetary reasons can ruin a marriage. Read: Financial mistakes leading to divorce and How to talk to your spouse about money and not kill each other?
Prevention
To avoid scandals, psychologists give advice on how to avoid quarrels in relationships:
- communicate: talk to each other daily so that there are no unexplored spots on the map of your relationship;
- spend your leisure time together: go out of town, go to the cinema, visit exhibitions, make a common circle of acquaintances - there will be no energy or time left for quarrels;
- study each other, ask questions about what someone likes and vice versa - you need to do this throughout your life;
- do not hesitate to show love to each other, give gifts and compliments more often;
- be honest, even if the truth is unpleasant;
- If a serious problem is brewing, it is better to seek help from a third party (the best option is a psychologist).
Following these recommendations requires effort and constant work on yourself. But the result will be warm, trusting relationships without disagreements and scandals. It's possible, you just have to try.
