Are you thinking about how to make peace with your wife after a strong quarrel?
Still from the film “Deep Sleep”
You don’t know how to choose words if you really feel strongly
offended her?
We will try to tell you in as much detail as possible about how best to do this, creating a kind of universal apology formula.
However, first you should familiarize yourself with the most important rule: you should ask for forgiveness only when you really consider yourself to be guilty, and this is sincere
.
If this is your case, then let's go.
Take responsibility and apologize
No one is responsible for your behavior except yourself. It doesn’t matter how bad things are going at work, whether you had a headache, or who “provoked” you and for how long. You obviously shouldn't have done what you did and circumstances had nothing to do with it.
Try to say in your own words that you were very wrong and you repent of it. Say that you understand that apologies in themselves do not mean anything, but you will try not to be unfounded and back them up with actions.
What to do if spouses want to save the relationship
Avoiding conflicts is not easy. All people make mistakes, including in relation to a loved one. Accidental betrayal, an outburst of aggression, or neglect of the responsibilities of a parent can cause separation. How to avoid divorce from your husband and maintain your relationship?
First of all, it is necessary to analyze what caused the conflict. Spouses may have different opinions on this matter, because one quarrel can touch different pain points for each. Lack of understanding of each other's wants and needs prevents reconciliation.
It is not recommended to involve relatives and friends. No matter how much they want to help, close people will be biased and may take the side of one of the spouses or offer solutions that will not suit the couple. Unfortunately, some relatives may be happy about the quarrel, and their intervention will only aggravate the conflict.
If you can’t cope through joint efforts, then it’s best to contact a family psychologist. The specialist is impartial, he will be able to assess from the outside what is happening in the couple. In the presence of a psychotherapist and under his guidance, the spouses will be able to discuss the problems that caused the conflict. Recommendations from a specialist will help you find a common language and make peace.
USEFUL INFORMATION: Everything about marriage: registered, civil, fictitious - legal consequences
Listen to your wife with an open heart
After your monologue, it’s her turn, and there may be two most likely scenarios. The first - the beloved will also open up, talk about her feelings, resentment, fears, pain and concerns. Listen and don’t interrupt, try to understand her feelings.
The second scenario is similar to the first, but more emotional. Be prepared for a wave of criticism and accusations to hit you after your apology. In this case, if you are serious about making peace, be patient. Don't argue, don't downplay guilt, admit your real mistakes. Try to move the conversation in a constructive direction. If this is difficult, you can respond with a slight delay so as not to accidentally say something offensive. Here it is important not to internalize negative emotions and pay attention exclusively to the feelings of your spouse - pain, fear and resentment.
Analysis of situations
If you value your family, know how to resolve conflict situations with your spouse. Regardless of whether these are serious conflicts or small quarrels. Let's look at how to do this in detail.
If I'm to blame
Avoiding conflicts in the family is not easy, and if a man feels guilty, he needs to find the strength to apologize. If you do this insincerely, your spouse will feel it. Therefore, simple words cannot resolve the situation. Show that you realized the reason for her offense and drew conclusions from this situation.
If it is not clear what exactly made your spouse angry, go to your loved one and talk to her. Tell her that you will not upset or upset her anymore.
After betrayal
Forgiving betrayal is not easy, and not every wife can do it. Even if a man tries to make amends, he does not always succeed. But if you repent and want to save your family, try to resolve the conflict. We will tell you how to make peace with your wife after cheating. The following recommendations will help:
- Don't wait for your spouse to file for divorce. Show that you feel guilty and ask for forgiveness. This will be the first step towards reconciliation, but the wife will not necessarily “melt” immediately.
- Share your feelings. If you are afraid of losing your family, explain this. Don't blackmail your wife: don't say that you will commit suicide or leave if she doesn't forgive you immediately. It is difficult for the spouse to accept what happened, and now she can do a lot of unpleasant things out of emotion. Just show that you are worried too and try in every possible way to earn her trust again.
- Another way to make peace with your wife after your betrayal is to talk to her loved ones. Say that you repent and want to return your spouse. Get advice on what to do and ask for help.
- Communication with your mistress should be stopped immediately and you should not intersect with her again. On the contrary, spend more time with your wife. This way you will prevent new suspicions on her part.
READ Quick and effective ways to return your husband to your family at a distance at home
Even if the spouse decides to reconcile, she may mention the offense more than once in the future. Be prepared for this - you are paying for betrayal, and this is not as bad as if the family broke up completely. Calm down and wait for the “passions to subside.”
After drinking
Spouses do not always quarrel only because of drinking alcohol. More often, the reasons are the consequences of parties - boorish behavior, fights, flirting with other girls, etc. If you offended your beloved and now she does not make contact, first get yourself into a sober state. And then talk to her, ask her to forgive you. Tell her that your spouse is dear to you and you won’t upset her anymore.
Then try to make amends - take care of household chores, invite your spouse on a date, buy her something important. And most importantly, understand that living with a rowdy who drinks is very difficult. You keep your wife, children, and loved ones in a stressful state. Eliminate drinking and noisy companies from your life, stop communicating with people who provoke you to drink alcohol.
After the scandal
If you have a big fight and your spouse wants to divorce, it will not be easy to fix the situation. Classic techniques will help you do this - a bouquet of flowers and an apology. If the words are insincere, then your spouse will not want to forgive you. But if you can convince her that you are sorry, your beloved will take pity and also want to make peace.
If you said something offensive during an argument, explain that it was in the heat of the moment and you don't really mean it. Promise that you won't say such things in the future. This is important if you do not want your spouse to accumulate all the negativity within herself, and this will lead to the collapse of the family.
READ How to return your wife's love if she has fallen out of love: useful tips
If she doesn't want to talk
If your spouse stops talking to you, there are several ways to fix it. Invite your beloved on a date, give her a surprise or a gift, write a touching poem for her. Of course, an apology is also very important. Don't mince your words.
Prove your desire to make peace with your actions. If your spouse has been asking you to do something for a long time, finally fulfill this request. For example, do some renovations, fix the bathroom faucet, or change your hairstyle. Even if your beloved does not want to talk now, she will understand that you are not indifferent to her wishes.
If she's to blame
Even if your spouse is to blame for the quarrel, you can take the first steps towards reconciliation. Defuse the situation in the family or save the marriage. Sometimes a girl doesn’t even understand that she did something wrong somewhere. And she doesn’t always want to take the initiative.
- Talk calmly - act kindly and demonstrate a willingness to resolve the conflict. If the reason for the quarrel with your wife is not important to you, make concessions.
- Write an explanatory letter to your wife to make peace. A simple message will do. Write about the offense and indicate why you do not want to give in to your loved one in the conflict. Also say that you don't want to fight anymore.
- To convey your position to your wife, call for help from a person who has authority with her. Explain to him the current situation without embellishment. If a man understands that his wife was not entirely right, he will help convince her of this.
If you are sure that you are right, there is no need to ask for forgiveness. Insincerity will lead to new conflicts in the future. If your wife finds out that you lied about your feelings, it will greatly offend her.
Validate your wife's feelings and don't invalidate them
It is very important to learn to acknowledge the feelings of another - this does not mean giving up your position and agreeing with your partner in everything. You can still disagree, but at the same time acknowledge that her feelings and reaction to what happened are real, and you don’t doubt them. Agree, it’s not up to you to decide how exactly she should have been upset (or not upset) because of your action.
“When we quarreled and I went to see friends in the middle of the night, you felt abandoned and unwanted. I understand that it was very offensive and difficult.”
You are not saying that your reaction was wrong, but you are acknowledging the reality of your spouse, showing that you heard her and understand how scared and hurt she was.
Still from the movie "Pretty Little Liars"
Be prepared that forgiveness will take time
Under no circumstances insist on immediately resuming communication, even if your apology has been accepted. If your wife says that she needs time to come to her senses, be patient and do as you are asked.
Show understanding and respect for her feelings. A person who has been offended most often feels depressed and disenfranchised. The ability to “push aside” the aggressor and set your own rules means regaining control over the situation.
You must be prepared for the fact that even after your confidential conversation, your partner will want to be alone. Everyone has their own pace of healing wounds; restoring warm and trusting relationships can take days, weeks, months (what’s up, sometimes even years, depending on the situation).
What to do: a practical guide
If you cannot find the right words to make peace with your wife and feel that you have offended her too much, use the tips from the article. These simple ways will help you reach reconciliation.
READ How to never quarrel with your husband: advice from psychologists
Take a break and calm down
There is no point in running to a girl with an apology; if you often quarrel and then ask for forgiveness, she will not take your words seriously. Your task is to restore the relationship as a couple, and this is not so easy.
Start by taking steps to recover from stress yourself. It's not about alcohol and partying with friends. We are talking about simple techniques that help you calm down and not make irreparable mistakes based on emotions.
Realize and acknowledge your role in the quarrel
Understand the situation to understand what exactly led you to the quarrel. Don't lie to yourself. And if the reason is because of your wrong actions, admit it.
If you manage to recognize the guilt, then the apology will be sincere, and the chances that the negative situation will repeat in the future will be significantly reduced.
You may realize that the fight was due to a serious relationship problem that needs to be resolved. You can write down your thoughts to keep your head in order.
Choose the right time and place
If you dare to have a conciliatory conversation, try to ensure that no one distracts you and your spouse from sorting things out. Invite her to a restaurant and calmly discuss everything on neutral territory.
If the conversation is interrupted, there is a chance that it will not continue. And this leads to the accumulation of grievances, negative emotions and new quarrels.
Prepare a refreshing drink
Talk at home too, but the atmosphere should be calm and friendly. Prepare refreshing homemade lemonade or just green tea for your loved one and yourself.
Offer sweets - cookies or your wife's favorite candies, for example. But offering your spouse alcohol and hearty food in this situation is not worth it. All this is not conducive to a sincere and fruitful conversation.
Forget about pride
If you want to make peace with your wife, put doubts and pride aside. After all, it is important for you to establish relationships, and not to show character. If the thought of apologizing gnaws and haunts you, it means there are difficulties with adequate self-perception.
Work on your self-esteem, read books on this topic, or make an appointment with a specialist. Perhaps these measures will save you from family conflicts in the future.
Try to be as honest as possible
You won't be able to change your relationship with your wife for the better and forget about quarrels if you have disagreements with yourself. There are situations when the wife accepts the apology formally, but feels insincerity on your part. In this case, the conflict does not disappear anywhere. Your lover feels bad because you are not being frank enough with her. And you feel uneasy too.
Take responsibility and apologize
If things aren't going well for you at work or in your relationship with your wife, it's largely your fault. Even if it seems that circumstances are beyond your control, the situation can be changed.
Change your behavior, and the situation will also change in a more favorable direction.
In a family conflict, acknowledge responsibility and say how much you regret what happened. Make a promise that you will try to make amends with actions, because words are not enough to settle the conflict.
Listen to your wife with an open heart
The wife is also worried, and she probably wants to express her position. So be sure to give her the opportunity to do this. Be prepared for any scenario. It doesn’t matter whether she will meet you halfway or start criticizing and blaming you.
If you sincerely want to make peace, then you will tolerate any unpleasant words from her and admit where you were wrong. But keep the conversation productive so that you come to a decision in the end or get closer to it.
Here's how to make peace with your wife after a big fight. Don’t get excited, so as not to say offensive things and barbs in response. Try not to catch a wave of negativity from your spouse and put yourself in her place. It is important to realize that she has disappointment, resentment and pain in her soul.
Don't discount her feelings
It is important to acknowledge your spouse's feelings. They are there, your loved one is already upset, even if you don’t feel guilty about it. Tell your loved one that you share her feelings, you understand how bad she felt, and you did not want to cause her this pain.
This does not mean that you are denying your “truth,” but your spouse may have a different perception of reality, and she has the right to be understood.
Forgiveness will take time
Do not demand from your wife that she immediately forgive you and start communicating as if nothing had happened. The wife may need time. We need to figure out how to move on and wait for her decision.
If the husband hit his wife or somehow offended her, now she feels completely unwell. Therefore, he tries to put you “in your place” in order to again feel like the mistress of the situation.
If you decide to talk to your partner and she doesn't want to talk to you afterwards, accept it. Warm and trusting relationships will not be restored immediately. To bring this moment closer, it is worth working hard.
Support your words with actions
When thinking about how best to reconcile with your wife if things have almost come to a divorce, you must first focus your efforts on winning the trust of your beloved. First of all, try not to offend your spouse again and not allow similar situations to happen in the future. Each new scandal harms the relationship more and more, and all this can lead to a quick breakup.
The wife's trust will be completely lost, and she will have no faith in apologies at all. In the future, she will always wait for a catch in the relationship or decide to end it completely.
Don't be afraid to tell her about love
Even if people who love each other experience major family conflicts, their feelings do not go away. True, it can be very difficult to tell a person about love after a scandal. If you have seriously offended your wife, do not be afraid to ask for forgiveness and emphasize how much you care about her.
After words of love, it will become easier for both of you to cope with the situation. After all, it’s obvious that the feelings haven’t gone away and it’s worth talking about them. If you hesitate to say about love, prove it without words.
Do something nice for your loved one
If you feel that the conflict cannot be resolved by talking alone, try to please your beloved. Giving a gift and flowers in this situation will not be enough. After all, they are not a guarantee that you will no longer upset your loved one.
To once again treat each other with tenderness and reverence, work on the emotions of all family members. For example, you can please your beloved with gifts more often. Say that you feel uneasy, that you feel distanced from your spouse and cannot cope with it.
- Apologize, but do not develop this topic further. Otherwise, you will provoke further scandals in the couple.
- Leave your loved one alone for a while. Let him think about what to do in this situation. When she is ready, she will make contact herself.
- Needless to say, if you had the opportunity, you would have done things differently. The girl will think that you might not have offended her, but you were led by your weaknesses.
Ask your loved one how you can ease her suffering. What to do for this. Offer her several options to choose from - a delicious dinner at a restaurant, going to the movies together, or buying a new fur coat. Follow your wife's request, otherwise you will make the situation worse.
Do something nice for your loved one
When a person is very offended, and you understand that an apology and a confidential conversation were still not enough, perhaps you should please him with something.
But we are not talking about a bouquet of roses and a huge teddy bear.
Remember, compensation for grievances with gifts is the weakest and most unreliable of all possible (although the most popular). And not because gifts are bad, but because they involve mostly monetary investments and minimal emotional involvement.
During quarrels, it is primarily the emotional connection between people that suffers, so it is this that needs to be “fixed.” Caring and working together are best suited for this purpose.
We also strongly do not recommend giving your wife surprises; it is better to ask her quite openly: “I feel very guilty. I want to please you in order to at least make up for my guilt a little. What can I do for you?"
It is important to be ready to fulfill her request, otherwise you will only make things worse.
It is best to immediately offer some option (or even several). “Let me cook you your favorite dish?”, “How about we spend the evening together and go to your favorite restaurant?”, “Do you want me to buy us theater tickets?”
What you absolutely CAN'T do
Hush up a quarrel (even a small one)
All conflicts have a cumulative effect. In addition, over time, the details are forgotten, only feelings remain: betrayal, mistrust, dissatisfaction, sadness, loneliness.
Learn to discuss everything, even the smallest misunderstandings, immediately after they happen - in a calm atmosphere, without shouting or insults.
Talk if anger and irritation have not yet subsided
As we already said, you need to give yourself time to cool down. It's normal to talk about what happened after a while. If emotions get the better of you, there is a risk of only aggravating the situation and taking the quarrel to a new level (even more difficult, of course).
Trying to settle the conflict with sex
A very insidious method that looks beautiful only in the movies, but in reality it only makes things worse. Firstly, this method leaves the problem at the same point, the partner’s resentment does not disappear, and understatement will corrode your relationship for a long time. And secondly, sex subsequently risks becoming a less pleasant activity, causing associations with quarrels, resentments and negative emotions.
“Settling Scores”
The phrase “I agree, I was wrong, but you too...” must be forgotten once and for all.
Pointing out your partner’s shortcomings, and at the same time listing everything that brings (or has brought) discomfort for a long time in order to look better against her background, is an extremely unfortunate technique.
You can and even need to express your dissatisfaction, but at the right time. It is worth learning to discuss problems in everyday life as they arise, without conflict and in a polite manner. Now is not the time to remember past grievances.
Gnawing yourself (long and painfully)
Admitting that you were wrong - yes, getting carried away and thinking only about it - no. Internal torment can play a cruel joke on you.
Firstly, there may be a feeling that you have already “suffered” enough, so there is no need to apologize (in fact, no).
Secondly, during torment, anger and irritation can flare up with renewed vigor, and the conflict will resume.
Thirdly, it often happens that the offender is so upset because of his incontinence that his partner has to console him: “Well, I’ll forgive you, it’s okay.”
In fact, this situation is manipulation in its purest form. Of course, it is pleasant for the aggressor himself, but it has destructive power for relationships. Agree, it is the injured party who should receive consolation and compensation (and in this case it is not you).
Possible causes of quarrels
It is important to identify the cause of quarrels in time in order to make peace and find a way out of the situation, otherwise the tender feelings in the couple will completely dry up. The husband and wife, without understanding the causes of the conflicts, experience only mutual irritation and dissatisfaction with each other.
READ What to do if your husband insults and humiliates: finding out the reasons and advice from psychologists
Conflicts in the family occur due to the following factors:
- Jealousy - because of this feeling, scandals break out in couples most often. The wife is not ready to give up her husband to someone else and tries to stop his slightest attempts to communicate with other girls. If a wife begins to suspect her husband of cheating or accuses him of infidelity, this leads to serious conflicts. It happens that a woman’s feelings really have a basis, and her husband really communicates too actively with other girls. Sometimes jealousy is not justified. But in any case, work on the situation.
- The desire to change a loved one - when falling in love passes, we begin to see the shortcomings and shortcomings of our partner. It can be very difficult to come to terms with them, usually men and women struggle with those traits that they do not like in themselves. This leads to misunderstandings, scandals and even divorce.
- Attention deficit – men often spend time after work watching TV, using gadgets, or going to visit friends. The woman remains unnoticed. But she also needs care, romance and compliments. As a result, the girl tries to offend her husband and provoke him to emotions, drawing attention to herself.
- Different principles of life - often men and women quarrel because they live by different values and beliefs. If someone in the family is addicted to bad habits, it can also destroy the family. If a husband and wife have different attitudes towards children, different views on life, and they belong to different religious communities, then this also leads to protracted conflicts. From time to time, spouses argue about this.
- Problems in bed – often partners are incompatible intimately and cannot satisfy each other’s physical needs. This leads to irritation and mutual nagging.
There can be many reasons for conflicts. Understanding that you love your partner and want to be only with him will help eliminate quarrels. If people treat each other sincerely, they can stop the conflict in time, forgive their partner and give in on something.
READ Crisis in relationships: inevitable or good?
Psychologist's advice
Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky, who sometimes writes for our readers, also commented on the burning topic and gave four tips on how to apologize correctly.
1.
You only need to apologize once, without mentioning the situation, so as not to provoke a new conflict.
2.
After an apology, it is better to leave your spouse alone for a while, let her digest everything, wait until she herself takes the initiative when she is ripe.
3.
When you apologize, you don’t need to say, if you knew the purchase, you would live in Sochi, or “How could I...”, because your wife may get the impression that you could have acted differently, but for some reason you didn’t.
4.
And, of course, you only need to apologize when you really feel guilty, and this is sincere.
By the way, if your offense is of a milder nature, we previously listed 11 of the most inventive and unusual ways to apologize to a girl.
- Author: Larisa Stebeneva
