How to make peace after a quarrel: instructions from psychologists plus answers to frequently asked questions

Step-by-step instructions for everyone

To improve relationships after a quarrel, you need to build the right line of behavior. If you immediately behave in the wrong way, you can completely ruin everything. Psychologists advise taking several steps towards reconciliation.

Step 1: Don't run away

Even after a serious quarrel, do not run away from a person, even though at that moment you may literally hate him. The maximum that is allowed is to go into another room. Otherwise, leaving may be regarded as a point in the relationship.

Step 2. Calm down after an argument

There are a lot of techniques on how to calm down. For example, drink water or do some simple breathing exercises. Or open the window and take a deep breath of fresh air.

Step 3: Ask for forgiveness

Apologize for being at fault, for shouting, for misunderstanding your opponent, for behaving inappropriately, for offending. There is always something to apologize for. You just need to do it sincerely. And then, regardless of the answer, smile.

Step 4: Distance yourself

Only after this will it be appropriate to leave if you do not live together (but after explaining in advance that you really need it), or to do things around the house (by offering to help your opponent). Do not return to the topic of the quarrel. Take a pause from several hours to 3 days to calm down and objectively assess the situation.

Step 5: Restore good relationships

At this stage, it’s time to appease the person with whom the quarrel occurred, especially if you are to blame. Methods of reconciliation will be discussed below.

Step 6: Solve the problem thoroughly

After reconciliation, have an open but calm conversation and discuss the cornerstone that caused the quarrel. Try to find a compromise, make concessions. The voice should be soft, calm the interlocutor, think through your arguments in advance so as not to accidentally offend him. And most importantly, control yourself. If you feel that the conflict is flaring up again, stop the discussion and pause again.

Many people skip the last point, afraid to return to a sore subject, lest a new scandal break out. This mistake then backfires: the problem, along with the remaining resentment, does not disappear, but grows like a snowball. And next time she may destroy the relationship. Therefore, promptly resolve all difficulties that cause conflict situations with loved ones.

On topic: Quarrels in relationships

Path of reconciliation

You need to restore relationships after a quarrel only when you have calmed down and can think clearly.

Step 1 – take your time to make peace

Each person needs a different amount of time to “come to their senses” after a conflict. While your opponent is on edge, it is useless to try to discuss the reason for the quarrel with him. Even if you admit that you are wrong, and he agrees with it, seething emotions will take over, and the conflict will escalate with renewed vigor. To prevent this, wait until the “heat of passion” subsides, and then calmly tell your loved one that you want to talk. If the conflict was serious, then it is better to move the reconciliation from home to a public place. In this case, a change of scenery will be beneficial.

Step 2 - don't insist you're right

Do not get hung up on the details of the conflict, do not find out who is right and who is wrong. From your point of view, you will always be right, even if you are not. Try to focus on understanding the feelings of the person you quarreled with. Your loved one is just as offended as you are, and also believes that he is right.

Step 3 - Put yourself in the other person's shoes

When trying to make peace after a fight, let your opponent know that you understand his feelings and that you would feel the same way if you were him. Focus on his hurt. Don’t be afraid to admit out loud that you are guilty of something to your loved one. Try starting reconciliation with the phrase: “Sorry for upsetting you.” During a conversation, try not to use the conjunction “but”. This can ruin your entire initiative.

Step 4 – don’t be offended by your loved one for his reaction

Sometimes it happens that you apologized to him for your words or actions that caused the conflict, and he responded by saying that you really did something bad. Such a reaction from your partner can make you angry and provoke a new quarrel. Pull yourself together, take a deep breath and nod your head in response. The main goal of reconciliation is to take responsibility for the fact that you made the other person feel bad.

Step 5 – Explain that you are worried about the conflict and are willing to correct your mistakes if possible.

Hug or touch your loved one, look into their eyes while talking. Sincerity in conversation will help restore mutual understanding faster. If your interlocutor does not immediately take the path of reconciliation, do not be offended by him or get upset. He just needs extra time to “move away” from the quarrel. Show attentiveness and sensitivity to the one with whom you are in a quarrel. After some time, ask him if you are doing everything right.

Methods of reconciliation

Someone goes through all 6 steps described above in half an hour (most often these are lovers). Others need several hours to cool down (parents and children, for example). In some situations, the pause may last for several days (this usually happens with non-blood relatives).

Making peace after a quarrel is the most difficult thing. But, if this person is dear to you, you will have to do it. Psychologists will tell you exactly how. There are several universal methods that are suitable for absolutely everyone, regardless of who you had a fight with.

Words of reconciliation (you can combine 2-3 phrases at a time, but no more, so as not to overdo it):

Forgive/excuse me please.
I am guilty).
I shouldn't have done that.
I don't want to quarrel with you anymore.
I care about our relationship.
I'll try to improve.

If both understand humor well, you can make peace using humorous phrases:

They say life is boring without quarrels. Maybe we'll finally get bored?
Let's make up before we forget why we quarreled.

If words were not enough or you did not have the opportunity to say them, you will have to move on to more decisive actions so that reconciliation after a quarrel happens faster. Universal methods suitable for any occasion:

send a message (SMS, instant messengers, social networks);
write a letter (electronic or by hand);
make a message live through a radio station if you are sure that the person is listening to it at that moment;
invite to a reconciliatory dinner;
give a gift.

When choosing methods, keep in mind that in some situations it will be enough to apologize, while in others you will have to write a whole poem with explanations. Try to correctly assess the conflict and find the best option.

How to make peace with your significant other after a quarrel: 10 secrets from psychologists

HOW TO MAKE PEACE AFTER A QUARTER WITH YOUR HUSBAND OR WIFE

Popular wisdom about sex after a quarrel works well if the quarrel is small. No one got personal, no one began to find out why a person always does this, and in general, passions simply did not have time to flare up. We just quarreled and relieved tension in bed. An excellent option for starting a relationship or a situation where there is not much to share. Of course, make-up sex works best. She forgot about his mother’s birthday, he was offended and sat, sulking, playing a toy on the phone. She has already put on erotic lingerie and is defiantly parading in stockings. He dives into the toy. Now she is also offended, and is establishing total surveillance of her husband. It is logical that if he does not want reconciliatory sex, he has someone. Or not? The second bad advice is to just act like nothing happened. He criticized her work in front of all her relatives and directly said that it would be better if she stayed at home, he still provides for the family, and it would cost him less if she did not work. She was very upset, the whole family took his side. And her parents started talking about their grandchildren when she didn’t want to discuss it at all. The next day, as if nothing had happened, he began talking to her about the upcoming weekend and plans for it. Moreover, he began to hint that her parents’ advice was the only correct one. She packed her things and moved in with a friend, leaving a vague note about how she “needed to think about the relationship.” Why such drama? The man simply ignored the girl's signals. She showed with all her appearance that this issue was important to her, and she did not want a repeat of the situation when the whole family was against her, and no one understood her hobbies and attempts at self-realization. The girl wants her man to show concern, and not ignore and tease her, and even hint that his career is not working out, and his only destiny is diapers and undershirts. Even if in her heart she wants to become a mother, putting up now for her means being humiliated in front of herself. The third option for harmful popular advice on how to make peace with a guy or girl after a quarrel is to call on the older generation for help. There is nothing worse than a situation when all friends, older relatives, and those around them are aware of the conflict, and one of its sides loudly calls on the strength of their circle, and demands that they help her, not leave her in difficult times, and definitely take her side. Is this normal at all? Not really. Why advice about sex is harmful: The person was seriously offended, he was expressed disrespect, a lack of understanding of his priorities, and, possibly, a lack of love; It may seem to him that resolving the issue through sex is even more dissonant; Or maybe he simply has no desire to have sex if something serious has happened. One way or another, what is expected from the second participant in the quarrel is not erotic hints, but an admission of his wrongness and a frank conversation. This approach to a quarrel demonstrates: Reluctance to accept responsibility; An attempt to push a partner, to force him to take his side under the authority of relatives and friends; Threats, such as social isolation and ostracism from family

NORMAL FOLK WISDOM ABOUT QUARTERS

It is not customary among people to wash dirty linen in public, that is, to discuss conflicts with a partner with neighbors, parents and friends. This is a good option if we are not talking about psychological or physical violence. Popular wisdom does not work if: The cause of the quarrel was a severe and constant disregard for the interests of one of the partners; The essence of the problem is the constant humiliation of only one person, and not the difference in interests; The conflict has reached the point of physical violence. Any assault, even “as a joke,” should not go unnoticed. Unfortunately, psychologists are unanimous here - the injured party must pack up their things and leave the person who could lead to a fight in a quarrel. Of course, in our country, domestic violence is not something out of the ordinary, but here we must clearly understand that if a person considers it acceptable to hit a partner, then he will continue to do it again. In cases where the cause of the offense was something not terrible, for example, they quarreled to death over what concert to go to on the weekend, you should not call all your girlfriends and friends and create a group on Viber called “My husband is a social phobe with bad musical taste."

THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE FOR ALL COUPLES

It happens that squabbles are an indicator of the absence of the most important thing, love. If she is irritated by everything about him, from an insufficiently large salary to a completely inappropriate occupation, perhaps it is not the lady’s quarrelsomeness, but the fact that she lives with her partner of convenience. Then all the seething passions are provoked subconsciously. The woman broadcasts to him: “Go away, but you can leave your iPhone and bag.” As a rule, he leaves. This situation is cause for reflection. Everyone has their own motives for entering into and continuing a relationship. Few people use some universal formulas or something similar. But even if the relationship was started not because of love, but for some other reason, the inability to establish contact is a direct indicator that you need to end it. If a quarrel develops into an eternal scandal, and you don’t want to make peace, but “you have to, because what people say,” you don’t need to make peace. Find the strength to stop all this, breathe freely, and start a worthy relationship.

DOVE OF PEACE, WHERE ARE YOU?

Reconciliation will not be easy. Even if your partner is an easy-going, cheerful person, in the first days after a quarrel it is better to refrain from attempting contact. The exception is when steps are taken towards the “victims” themselves in a quarrel. There is no need to do the following: Say standard phrases about “realized my guilt, measure, degree, depth”; Unfoundedly promise to improve; Annoy your partner with calls and SMS if they no longer communicate with you. Things work out better. For example, they quarreled over her love of attending all the parties in this Universe and cheekily dancing on the bar counter while very drunk. She really realized, and began to go to the gym and decent bars in the evenings, where they drink a glass of wine and talk, and not dance half naked. After this event, you can make peace. Or his wife stopped talking to him, because he has been promising to start walking with the child for a whole week, but instead he sits with a friend on a bench, drinks beer, and the child sleeps next to drinking and smoking men in a stroller. He takes the stroller and really starts walking, without a cigarette, beer, friend, or third parties.

IF NOTHING WORKS OUT AND YOU REALLY WANT TO COMPLAIN

Remember that you are not in school. Mom won’t pat you on the head and say that the neighbor’s boy is just a bully, and his behavior - pulling pigtails, constantly calling him names, and not letting him pass - is not appropriate. Relatives can become a catalyst for deepening the quarrel. If all the relatives know that on Wednesday evening the husband, instead of taking out the trash and taking a walk with the child, came home and went to bed, probably drunk, this will not make anyone feel better. Reproaches from relatives and escalation of the conflict will not help the family “somehow strengthen.” Need to talk? Write to an anonymous psychological support forum, or start writing short stories on a blog. This works much better than telling your girlfriends in every detail the story of your life and misadventures with your husband, all his friends and relatives.

PATHWAY AND STOMACHES

Advice from the area of “domostroy plus” says that you should definitely prepare a bunch of food and try to seduce a man with it, even if you don’t feel like cooking, but have a great desire to knock a frying pan on your husband’s head. Why shouldn’t you follow the “house-building” advice? So the subconscious of the other side of the conflict will finish everything itself. In appearance, she will seem to want to return everything, strengthen and make peace, but in her heart she will become furious over the need to get up at 6 and fry damned cheesecakes for a person who doesn’t even remember what they had a fight about.

GOOD ADVICE IS NOT IN OUR TRADITION

There is such a profession - family psychologist. In the civilized world people go to him to improve relationships, if kittens really improve them. It helps the parties to the quarrel to begin to communicate with each other again without accusations or any scandals. A psychologist is the way out when the situation snowballs, you can’t somehow restrain yourself, and the conflict is so great that it smacks of separation. Important: this should not be a friend of one of the partners or spouses. What is needed is a third party. If “there is no money,” write together on the psychological help forum, or call the hotline. But not friends, mothers and girlfriends.

NOT A BAD EXIT FOR INDEPENDENTS

Do they both understand that they want to make peace, and they need to somehow overcome the conflict? You just need to sit down together and formulate your complaints in writing. Preferably point by point. No personalization. You need to start with the words “I feel that...” And not “you are so and so.” Next, you should exchange letters and respond, also on paper. Why bother with paperwork? This will help you concentrate on the problem and solve it thoughtfully, and not just talk, quarrel and break up again.

AND IT DOESN'T WORK AGAIN?

Those who had a “hard fight”, do not communicate, and have no option for contact, must find him, but carefully. Let time pass, passions subside, and your spouse or partner stop reacting painfully. And then it will be possible to talk, find out what caused it and not do it again. An exception may be treason. No matter how much we are called upon to forgive wisely for the sake of our children, blocking a cheater or cheater on social networks, stopping answering calls, throwing away things, and filing for divorce is the norm. Not all people believe that betrayal can be survived. Of course, many act in the spirit of “I love...” and try to “forgive”, but you need to take a different point of view. It is justified, especially if the other party to the conflict continues to ignore moral standards.

DIVORCE OR QUALIFICATION

There is a certain category of exalted people who are always trying to get a divorce because of an unwashed cup, unfilled trash, and quarrels over who should walk the dog. You need to know your partner well. Such “scandals” are not bad or ill-mannered people, but simply too temperamental. “Lucky” to encounter just such a miracle of nature? It will be better to accept him or her as he or she is. Constant threats in this case are just a figure of speech. They don't mean anything serious. Do you really want to stop making trouble and start living a normal life? Learn to listen to your partner. His demands are not always an attempt to trample on your civil rights and freedoms. Relationships are for two. If the situation is such that only one side is trying to dictate its own rules and requirements, you need to seriously think about the essence of such relationships. So, in order to know how to make peace with a guy or girl, you should first understand your motives and exclude the situation of peace for the sake of peace. In addition, you need to formulate the essence of the conflict and write down your desires and your partner’s claims. After this, exchange and try to find a solution together in writing. Stop thinking that sexual provocation, delicious food and other “folk” methods really help stop quarreling. There is no need to run around visiting friends and relatives to make peace. Behave like an adult and everything will be resolved in the best possible way. Source: intrigue.dating

Photo: vernilybov.ru

How to make peace with a specific person

Methods of reconciliation largely depend on who exactly you had a fight with. Therefore, sometimes you have to act based on this circumstance.

With parents

If your son has a fight with his dad, it’s enough to talk like a man, admit your mistakes, and show that you respect his age and life experience. If this happened between a daughter and a father, everything is simpler - gently hug, kiss, promise that you won’t do this again. You are allowed to cry a little.

A much more serious situation arises when a quarrel occurs with the mother. Women have a harder time moving away from conflicts than men. Explaining something and proving your point of view is clearly not a suitable way to reconcile with it. The son can buy flowers, invite her to a cafe, devote the weekend to her. Daughter - ask for life advice, call for tea, distract with everyday issues.

If you want to make peace with your parents, allow them to be with their grandchildren. And if you don’t have a family yet, be sure to spend time with them, and not 2-3 hours, but 1-2 days. Go to their dacha, visit mutual friends, take a walk - remember your childhood. This will definitely melt their heart.

With grandma or grandpa

Old people become very vulnerable and touchy with age. This is definitely something to keep in mind. Don't expect to be forgiven right away. Give them time. But don’t be idle yourself. Try different options. Ask for forgiveness, hug. Didn't they melt? Surround them with attention and care: help around the house or in the garden, sit with them at the TV, try to talk about abstract topics. One of the most effective ways is to ask them to remember something from the past, if you are willing to listen carefully and for a long time.

With mother in law

Ideally, it is better not to start quarrels with your mother-in-law at all, because making peace will be incredibly difficult (in most cases). But this is also possible. Rule #1 - Stop seeing her as an enemy. Rule No. 2 - put yourself in her place: what would you do? Find at least some justification for her words and actions. After that, after a pause (2-3 days), buy her favorite cake and invite her over for tea. As an option, let me babysit the grandchildren, take them away for the weekend or overnight. Finally, let your husband go fix her faucet or dig up her garden. You know better what she will be delighted with.

With a boyfriend or girlfriend

If the usual words of reconciliation do not work and asking for forgiveness is useless, in friendship one must act as in war - with the help of a frontal attack. Why are friends needed? That's right: help. Create a critical situation and ask them for help. For example, your fiancé left you before your wedding. Or your car stalled on a deserted highway. The emergence of a new problem will force you to forget about the quarrel for a while, make peace, calm down, and then, if necessary, return to the cause of the conflict.

It’s easier for men: just invite a friend to go fishing or to the bathhouse - and consider that there were no misunderstandings. It would also be useful for girls to adopt this method - for example, inviting a friend to the spa or shopping.

With daughter or son

It is easier to make peace with sons as men. We need to pause and talk openly. Arguments, facts, everything is clear and to the point - in a word, a constructive conversation can dot all the i’s. It will be more difficult with a daughter, because due to female psychology, she can screw herself up, become very offended, and not talk or make contact. Ask her to help with the housework, sit with the grandchildren, offer to go somewhere together. Common activities and worries will distract you from unnecessary thoughts, and it will be easier to make peace.

With your loved one or beloved

Universal methods of reconciliation for lovers of both sexes:

leave a message on the pavement in front of your loved one’s window: [Name], forgive me/love you/you’re the best;
record an audio apology or short video;
order a cake with words of reconciliation;
get a massage;
arrange a trip together.

How to make peace with your girlfriend/wife:

invite you to dinner at a restaurant;
give flowers;
make a cute gift like a teddy bear;
invite you on a date to the cinema;
take on part of her responsibilities around the house and raising children.

In the end, after a big fight, if you are very guilty, but under no circumstances want to lose her, make a beautiful gesture of reconciliation that she will remember for the rest of her life: buy an engagement ring and propose. Sometimes this is the only way to save a relationship.

How to make peace with your boyfriend/husband:

cook his favorite dish, organize a romantic dinner by candlelight;
ask for help in a matter that requires purely male strength;
make a gift in accordance with his hobby (fishing rod, video recorder);
buy beautiful underwear;
give him a bunch of compliments and convince him that he is the most ideal.

It’s easier to put up with your other half if there is love in the relationship, which is ready to turn a blind eye to a lot. On the other hand, you should never go beyond what is permitted, otherwise you can lose everything, and then no methods will work.

On this topic:

Quarrel with a girl
Quarrel with a guy

Divorce or quarrel10

Such “scandals” are not bad or ill-mannered people, but simply too temperamental. “Lucky” to encounter just such a miracle of nature? It will be better to accept him or her as he or she is. Constant threats in this case are just a figure of speech. They don't mean anything serious.

Do you really want to stop making trouble and start living a normal life? Learn to listen to your partner. His demands are not always an attempt to trample on your civil rights and freedoms. Relationships are for two. If the situation is such that only one side is trying to dictate its own rules and requirements, you need to seriously think about the essence of such relationships.

So, in order to know how to make peace with a guy or girl, you should first understand your motives and exclude the situation of peace for the sake of peace. In addition, you need to formulate the essence of the conflict and write down your desires and your partner’s claims. After this, exchange and try to find a solution together in writing.

Stop thinking that sexual provocation, delicious food and other “folk” methods really help stop quarreling. There is no need to run around visiting friends and relatives to make peace. Behave like an adult and everything will be resolved in the best possible way.

Margarita Lopukhova

Expert

Family psychologist. For 8 years I have been saving “family units” from disintegration. I help couples find love and understanding again.

Reconciliation after a quarrel is not difficult if both partners want it and are ready to learn a lesson from what happened. However, if scandals occur regularly in a couple, you need to think about what is causing them. It is quite possible that relationships smoothly move into the category of unhealthy and even toxic - when all attention is focused on one partner, and the second is forced to unquestioningly fulfill demands and satisfy desires. It is very important to prevent this, because returning to the previous format of relations will be extremely difficult. It is necessary to discuss every quarrel, talk it out, find out the reasons and draw conclusions for yourself.

Message from the Editor

We have to upset you, but here we have to end such an important topic. Know that we want to tell you a lot more - especially since in this area of psychology you can discuss for more than one hour. But our task is not just to provide you with a random stream of information. Our experts have tried to structure everything that each of us knows in the field of relationship psychology in order to ultimately formulate for you only the most valuable and effective advice. And we count on them to help you build strong, happy relationships. Are you interested in the information presented? Visit other sections of the site! Here you can find information on any topic that in one way or another relates to the psychology of relationships!

Make me laugh

Humor helps relieve tension and look at situations in a positive light. A ridiculous joke, a funny grimace, or a pleasant memory will do. Make your other half smile, and, most likely, the desire to quarrel will disappear by itself.

Psychologist's comment:

After a quarrel, the well-known principle applies: “Before you get better, you will get worse.” Conflict is a turning point in a relationship when dissatisfaction with each other and contradictions in a couple reach their peak. Reconciliation is the process of overcoming such contradictions. Ideally, in such a way that they do not pop up in the future.

In this light, some people's desire to save a relationship at any cost, on the contrary, prevents them from achieving success in this. You need to strive for a compromise so that neither you nor your partner feels uncomfortable.

In the video we see a common situation: both parties want reconciliation, but each is waiting for the first step from the partner. Again, this testifies to the well-known attitude: “Whoever came first is to blame.” But in a healthy relationship there is no place for childish competition, there are no winners or losers. And if you feel that you want reconciliation, you don’t need to prove to the other that you are fine without him. It’s better to calmly talk about everything and work together to find a way out of the conflict situation.