Try to make peace as soon as possible
You may feel tempted to have the last word or even punish your girlfriend by making her wait for your forgiveness, but this can make both of you unhappy not only in the moment, but also in the future.
“One of the best gifts you can give yourself and your partner is to restore connection and harmony between you as soon as possible, rather than allowing disagreements and arguments to drag on,” says practicing psychologist and Harvard lecturer Holly Parker, Ph.D., author Books "If We're Together, Why Do I Feel So Lonely?"
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“When we allow arguments to escalate, this is called the negative influence of reciprocity, we can destroy the happiness in the relationship. Therefore, strive to make peace before the conflict escalates,” she suggests.
How to make peace in an original way and more
So, the pause is over, the passions have subsided. It's time to start acting actively, but delicately. In what form you will apologize depends on your imagination, financial capabilities and preferences of your girlfriend. Do you know what can make her happy?
We will not consider options like a holiday in the Maldives. This, of course, will delight any girl, but not everyone can afford it. Let's look for something simpler, but no less effective.
Lettering and images
In recent years, confessions written in paint on asphalt have become popular. A girl, looking out the window and reading your message, will probably be touched by such sincerity.
In the early 2000s, some men could afford to pay for advertising space on billboards or LED screens along highways, and posted their confessions where their offended lovers drove by.
A very effective method, but it was banned due to periodic emergency situations, since touching messages were read not only by the girls to whom it was addressed, but also by all other motorists.
Recently I saw luxurious graffiti on the wall of a small technical building in the courtyard of a multi-story building. Whether the artist himself asked for forgiveness from his girlfriend or the painting was created by order, but the bouquet of forget-me-nots depicted on it in drops of morning dew and sun rays made all passersby turn around. The laconic inscription “Lisa, I’m sorry...” left no doubt about the intention of the painting.
Gifts with meaning
Use your imagination, think about what can touch the heart of your beloved. Even a small souvenir can evoke a warm response in a girl’s soul if it is filled with meaning that only you two can understand. Girls love symbolic gifts and often make them their talismans.
It could just be an elegant figurine of an angel with her name on it. A person’s name is the most pleasant and important sound in the world for him, because from birth we perceive being addressed by name. It's like a password that gives you access to your inner world and helps you understand that you came with good intentions.
Place her name with sleeve candles on the asphalt under the windows of her house on a warm summer evening - and rest assured, she will understand exactly what meaning you put into it.
Interesting place
In every city there are such interesting places where you can invite a girl not only to talk about reconciliation. Having a good time and forgetting about worries after a quarrel will be useful for both. Take the time to explore the opportunities your city offers for romantic dates.
Of course, you need to take into account the preferences of your partner. If she loves a small cozy cafe on the embankment, the atmosphere of which puts her in a romantic mood, there is no need to drag her to a climbing wall or a quest, or take her on a paragliding flight, even if it seems incredibly exciting to you.
However, this option is also possible if your girlfriend is an extreme sports fan and doesn’t mind pumping adrenaline through her veins. The main thing is not to make a mistake with your choice, otherwise, instead of a conciliatory conversation, you will get a showdown on the topic of your frivolity and irresponsibility.
Flowers and candies
Such traditional signs of attention should not be considered banal. Almost all women love flowers. Moreover, it is absolutely not necessary to present pompous, bulky bouquets the size of your chosen one.
You can give just one flower, for example, an elegant rose, the stem of which is decorated with a matching ribbon, or a delicate bouquet of wildflowers that you collected yourself, lush peonies or luxurious lilacs from your summer cottage - the field for imagination is truly limitless.
Not all girls love sweets, but if your chosen one doesn’t mind eating chocolate, you have an additional trump card in a conciliatory conversation. Nowadays, many private confectioneries offer handmade chocolate products made to order. It is enough to write a couple of touching words on a chocolate bar for your sweet gift to turn into a sign of sincere repentance.
Letter
Sometimes it is difficult to find the right words to express everything that has accumulated during a quarrel and ask for forgiveness so that there is no doubt about your sincerity. Excitement, confused thoughts, and a pounding heart make it difficult to concentrate and clearly convey everything you want to say. Not all words can reach a consciousness clouded by strong resentment and anger.
In this case, the epistolary genre will help you. A very convenient and completely in vain forgotten way to express your feelings. And you will gather your thoughts yourself, find the necessary arguments, without the risk of blurting out something unnecessary, and the girl will be able to re-read the message several times and realize the depth of your repentance.
Reconciliation after betrayal
Another very controversial topic is betrayal. It can be both unilateral and mutual. There are so many reasons leading to betrayal that a conversation on this topic can last for hours. Is it worth reconciling after betrayal at all? The question is extremely difficult. How to behave when you know you have been betrayed?
In my opinion, if a couple is young and has been together for a short time, it makes no sense to establish a relationship after one of the partners has cheated. Cheating at an early stage of a relationship indicates immaturity of feelings and the unwillingness of partners to sacrifice personal freedom for the sake of a monogamous life. Parting in this case would be a more reasonable decision.
In couples who have lived together for many years and even decades, the reasons for betrayal can be so deep that even psychologists are not always able to correctly diagnose them. Arguments from the series “the devil has fooled you” or “what you can’t do when you’re drunk” cannot be taken seriously.
The main reasons that lead to cheating and deserve close attention are:
- long-term dissatisfaction with sexual life;
- lack of attention and interest;
- loss of mutual respect, understanding and intimacy.
In any case, there is no universal recipe for how to make peace and improve life after betrayal. Whether such a relationship is necessary at all and whether you will trust each other in the future is up to you to decide. And before making a decision, it won’t hurt to stay at a distance from each other for some time. It sharpens your senses and clears your thoughts.
Cheer yourself up
“Pleasurable sensations can help our bodies relax and feel less stressed, even in times of conflict,” says Parker.
So, if you feel like dragging out a fight even if everything that needs to be said has already been said, try to remember a time when your girlfriend did something nice for you, something you appreciated about her, or even just some good memory not associated with her.
Or do something that makes you happy, like drinking a cup of tea or playing with a pet.
Be positive
If your goal is really to make peace with your girl, don't rehash your arguments. Don't say things like, “I'm really sorry, but...” or “You just always...” This will only prolong the fight.
“Choose your words carefully, trying to be sincere and kind,” advises Parker. “Don't use tactics that tend to hurt feelings and increase friction, such as insulting your partner, calling out past mistakes, yelling, sarcastic remarks, harsh criticism, and blaming.”
Action plan that works
So what to do after a quarrel?
How to find the right words for reconciliation?
It's quite simple:
Cool down
First of all, you need to cool down so you can start thinking straight again.
Emotions only make the situation worse.
If you want to talk at the peak of a quarrel, you will provoke a new wave of mutual reproaches. Everyone has a different time to calm down, it all depends on the nature of the quarrel and temperament.
If you are not yet ready for a calm conversation and reconciliation, just say: “I’m still angry, don’t think that I’m trying to ignore you, just give me time to cool down.”
Apologize for harsh words and discuss the issue that started the argument
You need to take the first step. It is important.
This will show your strength and leadership in the relationship.
Dirty dishes left in the sink, money spent on shoes or video games, going out with friends.
There can be any number of reasons for a quarrel.
Many guys apologize, but do not return to the topic of conflict.
Why? Because they are afraid that this will develop into another quarrel.
Your task is to go back, calmly discuss everything and find a compromise.
We need to solve the problem, not hide it under the rug.
At this stage you must remain of sound mind and sober memory.
Resist the urge to return to the argument and prove that you are right.
Move forward - discuss buying a dishwasher, plan expenses together, set clear time to communicate with friends.
If during the discussion the situation begins to heat up again, stop, cool down and try again.
Or write down several options for solving the problem in advance and choose the optimal one together.
Find out the true cause of the conflict
Sometimes the real cause of conflict is hidden behind trivial irritants.
You need to find out the real problem, otherwise the quarrels will not stop there.
Think about it: is there a deeper problem underlying the scandal that has broken out?
The girl screams because of the dirty dishes, but in fact she does not feel your participation in your life together, you do not take the initiative.
It's the same with money. Chat with friends?
Perhaps she just doesn't get enough of your attention.
Be curious, dig deeper, look for a bigger problem.
All her arguments are just the tip of the iceberg, talk about more important things.
Hear her side
To help your girlfriend feel heard, Parker recommends introducing yourself as someone outside the relationship who cares about both of you. Ask yourself what this person might see that is missing from your own perspective, and acknowledge any valid arguments your partner has.
For example, you could say:
“I understand that you didn’t call me to warn me that you would be returning home late because you got carried away with the project and lost track of time. This happened to me too.”
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Work for results
You had a fight with a girl and want to fix everything. But what exactly are you hoping for in this fight? Get more confirmation of your emotions? Or maybe less misunderstandings when you make plans?
Whatever it is, think of a mutually beneficial goal you can achieve to avoid future conflict.
"Instead of burying your own needs or your partner's needs, trying to win or come out on top, you need to think about working together to find an outcome that satisfies both of you," Parker says.
There is no need to try your best to achieve what you want or unquestioningly agree with your friend’s position; try together to find a compromise that you both agree with.
Tips on how to quarrel less
There is a “5P” rule that will help reduce the number of quarrels in a couple:
- listen to your partner's opinion. Even if at first glance it seems that the girl is wrong;
- offer to resolve conflicts peacefully in a playful way. Of course, if both parties agree;
- talk through your feelings. Show the girl your personal boundaries. For example, if the phrase she said was rude and unpleasant;
- stop comparing yourself to other couples;
- think through the main thoughts and phrases before starting the dialogue.
When starting a conversation, you need to select arguments and facts that can influence your opinion. But if a girl is not ready for an objective dialogue, ask about what options she offers for a solution.
It is not recommended to quarrel over the phone or on the web, as well as transfer all dialogues to chats, block a partner, or post any personal materials on social networks.
If you can't calm down, spend a little time alone with yourself
How to make peace with a girl after a strong quarrel? If being around your partner makes it too difficult for you to resist continuing the conflict, spend some time away from her. If you live together, take a shower or go for a walk.
Parker suggests saying, “I still feel upset and I think I need to calm down a little. I have nothing against you - I just need to let off some steam."
Give her time
Just like you, a girl may need some time after a fight to be alone with her thoughts and feelings, so give her this opportunity.
“Avoid the temptation to continue to cling to your partner after the fight is over. By punishing him and continuing to reproach him, you are more likely to aggravate the conflict than contribute to its resolution,” recommends Parker.
Admit you're wrong
If the cause of the conflict was an offense on your part, because of which your girlfriend was very unhappy, find the strength to admit your mistake. Try to analyze what exactly you did wrong, and also sincerely apologize for what happened.
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Parker advises:
“Remember that the most effective way to avoid repeating a quarrel because of your mistake in the future is to prove by action that you have drawn conclusions from what happened and are ready to take certain steps to improve your relationship.”
How to make peace with a girl ↑
This is not easy and depends on the “degree of severity” of the action. It’s one thing if a girl is offended that her beloved did not call her at the appointed time, and quite another if she found her beloved in bed with someone else.
This article will tell men how to act in certain circumstances in order to return their beloved.
If she doesn't want
If she doesn’t want to talk, the most reasonable thing to do is wait a couple of days until the girl cools down. During this time, she will have time to change her anger to mercy, and it will be much easier to talk to her.
You should not try to make peace “hot on the heels” when emotions have not yet cooled down. You can only make the situation worse, because both sides are still under the influence of negative feelings.
A turn of events is possible when, instead of the desired reconciliation, both parties reward each other with unflattering epithets; in this case, reconciliation will be much more difficult.
After some time, the girl will have time to get bored and, quite possibly, will take a step towards reconciliation herself. If this does not happen, feel free to take the initiative into your own hands.
If you offended me very much in the heat of the moment
First you need to analyze the situation and identify the cause of what happened. If you feel that you are really at fault and the girl is very offended, try to do everything possible to get her back.
Do you hate banality? Find out how to beautifully apologize to a girl. How to apologize to your best friend? Read on.
You need to pause so as not to fall under the hot hand, and then take decisive action.
There is no universal method of reconciliation; in this case, it all depends on the character of the beloved:
- If she is very emotional , then you can try to surprise her with something, prepare a romantic rendezvous at which you solemnly ask for forgiveness for the offense committed.
- If the girl is pragmatic and able to look at things realistically, it is best to prepare a gift for her, but do not forget that even the most pragmatic person expects manifestations of tenderness and care from her chosen one.
In any case, you need to talk through all controversial issues, and not try to let everything go on the brakes, because the situation may repeat itself.
If you hit
But this is serious. And you don’t need to console yourself with thoughts like “she deserved it herself,” “real girls don’t behave like that,” “she begged for it.” Yes, it happens that a girl provokes a man to emotions, but raising a hand against her is unacceptable.
If this does happen, try to do everything possible to make amends and regain the girl’s favor.
If you’re lucky and she agrees to talk, under no circumstances should you utter the following words: “Yes, I’m to blame, but you’re also to blame, you brought me out yourself.” It’s better to say: “You are very dear to me, I regret what happened and I don’t want us to separate because of my terrible act, because I love you.”
Prepare a surprise for your beloved, on a romantic date, remember all the best and touching moments of your life, make the girl smile. As soon as a smile appears on her face, you can consider that the ice has broken.
After a strong quarrel
A major disagreement causes much more unpleasant feelings in the soul than a minor skirmish. Both the man and the girl are at this moment in “disheveled” feelings, experiencing annoyance, bitterness and resentment.
You should carefully analyze the situation and understand the grain of the conflict. If quarrels systematically occur for the same reason, then this is a direct path to separation.
You can try to discuss this topic again and, perhaps, the problem can be solved. If the desire to stay together is mutual, then the chance of maintaining the union is quite high.
Write a list of your complaints on a piece of paper and discuss each point. Think about what to write; you need to do it softly and delicately in order to avoid a new quarrel.
Mutual apologies will only solve the problem temporarily.
After betrayal
- If a girl cheated , you need to understand whether you can forgive her for this, because people say that cheating can be forgiven, but not forgotten. Then you will have to somehow live with the unpleasant, bitter aftertaste and pain. If you are able to forgive, and the girl is really dear to you, then go for it, but if you are not sure that you are able to forgive, then it is better not to even try to mend the broken cup.
- If you changed , then a lot depends on you. Explain to the girl the reason why you committed this ugly act. It will be very difficult and you won’t be able to make peace quickly, don’t count on it. Therefore, if you want to always be with this girl, you will have to use all your imagination, ingenuity and patience so that she forgives you, and you won’t be able to get off with flowers alone.
If she's to blame
In this case, there is no need to rush things. Turn on ignore for a few days, let the girl realize her mistake.
Do not be the first to reconcile, because in this case the girl will think that you are ready to endure anything. Rest assured, she will not be slow to take advantage of this.
It would be much more logical to wait for the girl to take the first step and after a hot hug, you can explain to her that you longed for reconciliation, but it was important for you that your beloved realizes that she was wrong.
Find the strength to forgive her
What to do if the cause of the conflict was not your behavior, but some action of your girlfriend? First of all, try to convey to her calmly and reasonably what exactly upset you and for what reason.
Then try to understand how critical the incident was for you. If your friend sincerely repents of what happened and you feel like you can let go of the situation, forgive her and move on.
What to do if you failed to make peace with your girl, and how to behave after breaking up? Read about this in a separate article.
- M+F What a guy should do after a painful breakup: 8 steps to peace of mind Block your ex. Yes, right now. We will wait.
- Author: Maria Minaeva
Life hack: what to do after a quarrel6
Quarrels happen in absolutely all couples, but it is very important after a quarrel to direct the relationship in a positive direction! If, after a disagreement, someone in a couple still has negativity, it means they have not fully dealt with it and this problem needs to be discussed and worked on together! Then you need to bring laughter and joy back into the relationship, usually the man does this.
The best way to treat a girl with care and affection is to hug her. The sign of attention is completely free, but so important and valuable! Hugs help the girl feel protected, the warmth and affection of her partner, and also help smooth out conflicts. By the way, scientists have proven that a person simply needs 8 hugs a day to maintain a healthy mental state! Remember this.
