Learning to take control of quarrels in relationships: how to treat them and how to behave correctly?

Are arguments in relationships normal?

First, you need to stop believing in the myths that are firmly entrenched in the minds of many people.

Myth 1. There are no relationships without quarrels.

There are many sayings on this topic like “A relationship without quarrels is like soup without salt.” This common myth is reassuring because it instills the idea that this is the norm, that your couple is not the only one like this and no matter who you start dating, clashes are inevitable.

In fact, about 18% of couples don't fight. On the one hand, this is an insignificant number. On the other hand, it destroys the myth that it is impossible to build relationships without scandals. However, here it is worth taking a closer look at the reasons for such peaceful coexistence:

• 10% of couples do not quarrel because they have been living together for more than 10 years;
• 3% do not see the point in this, because for some reason they both benefit from this relationship, and they turn a blind eye to the rest (arranged marriages);
• 5% are, rather, an exception: in these couples people of the same temperament with similar views on life came together, both calm, wise and not conflicting.

One more thing. It’s not always worth believing those who deliberately convince everyone that there are no quarrels with your significant other. Perhaps they simply do not want to bring these problems into public view and are trying to maintain the status of good and peaceful relations.

Case from practice. The young man tried in vain to build relationships with girls. Each time, frequent quarrels and irreconcilable conflicts became the cause of separation. He began to visit a psychologist and after some time reported that he had found the only one who did not throw him hysterics, was not jealous over trifles, and did not make impossible demands. The happiness did not last long: after a year and a half, he found out that all this time she had been cheating on him, and was living with him because of the apartment in which they lived together. And she didn’t make any complaints for one single reason: she didn’t love him, and she didn’t care where he was, with whom and why he didn’t compliment her.

Myth 2. Quarrels strengthen relationships.

Yes, there are arguments in psychology that support this:

• after them, the soul becomes calmer, because grievances are expressed;
• they show that both partners are imperfect;
• this is a reason to think about the adequacy and reality of your desires and claims;
• prevention of egocentrism: it is in quarrels that people understand that the other person also has the right to defend their interests;
• both know what their other half thinks and feels.

Despite all the arguments, quarrels do not always strengthen the union of two hearts. If they occur once a month and their cause is not in over-salted borscht, but in serious situations, they can be beneficial. An adrenaline rush, expressing your point of view, listening to your partner, resolving a problem - all this is necessary for building good relationships. But, if violent scandals with shouts throughout the house occur almost every day, and the reason for them is a sidelong glance to the side or a five-minute delay at work, they do not bring anything good about themselves.

Understand for yourself that a quarrel is not a quarrel. If partners can restrain their emotions and are focused on maintaining the relationship, they will carry a rational and useful grain within them. If scandals are accompanied by screaming, hysteria, and fights, this often becomes the cause of breakups.

How to improve relationships after a quarrel?

After a quarrel between a man and a woman, different feelings arise. Both people may feel hurt, angry, depressed

, they may think that their feelings have faded and this relationship cannot be saved. You should not make hasty conclusions, especially based on emotions. Any relationship can be restored and a second wind can be opened in it. But how to do this largely depends on you. If you have no desire for this, and no desire to give in and figure things out, then, alas, nothing will work out.

Determine the cause of the quarrel

The most important thing to do is to understand the cause of the conflict and disagreement

. It happens that the problem is not even in the relationship; maybe your partner is experiencing tension at work, with friends or parents. And a quarrel is a way to throw out your emotions.

Important!

Analyze the situation and find the very essence of the problem, and then solve it together.

Talk about feelings

When emotions have faded, it is so important to share what you felt during the fight and how you feel after the fight. Try to discuss your feelings together. During or after an argument, you may have experienced:

• fear;
• loneliness;
• depression;
• misunderstanding;
• shame.

Important!

Talk about these feelings and share them with your significant other.

Trust your partner

Trust is one of the basic rules of successful relationships.

.
You have to stop controlling your partner, like where he went, who he went with, stop checking his phone or worse, spying on him. So many couples break up because they simply don’t trust each other
; they constantly create different situations in their heads that may never have happened and never will happen. Trusting each other incredibly strengthens relationships.

Important!

Of course, if a person plays with your feelings and has already deceived you more than once, then you should be more wary.

Be responsible for yourself and your actions

We all know very well how important it is to start admitting our mistakes. The main problem is that it is far from easy to do. If all people were able to quickly and quickly admit their mistakes, then there would be no quarrels in the world, not only in couple relationships but also in other relationships between people

.

Since admitting that you were wrong about something is very difficult, you can start small. Just start thinking about your actions, maybe they weren’t as right as you think? Maybe you made things worse for your other partner? Maybe you hooked your partner with a thoughtless word or action?

Important!

Starting to admit your mistakes is a great way to rekindle your relationship and take it to the next level.

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Stumbling blocks

If your goal is to get rid of quarrels in your relationship, you need to sit down and discuss with your partner what most often causes them. According to psychologists, they are the same in every couple:

• jealousy, lack of attention, cheating, flirting, lack of romance;
• different characters, temperaments, lifestyles, views, political beliefs, social statuses, interests;
• issues of raising children, relationships with parents;
• household, financial, housing problems;
• addictions: alcohol, drugs, gaming;
• dissatisfaction in bed.

Once the main stumbling blocks have been identified, try to figure out their size.

There are major ones on which the future fate of the couple depends. For example, whether to forgive a partner after cheating. In this case, you need to sit down for a serious and constructive dialogue, during which three questions are calmly discussed:

1. What does the partner want?
2. What do you want?
3. How to combine these desires?

If you cannot reach a consensus on your own, psychologists will help you resolve the conflict peacefully and stop quarrels.

There are smaller stones that are just as exhausting as the larger ones. These are trifles like who doesn’t turn off the light in the toilet in the evening or why he said hello to some girl on the street. If such clashes occur frequently and result in major scandals, you need to sit down and outline the rights and responsibilities in the relationship. It’s even funny: before going to bed, I check that the lights are turned off everywhere, and you, in turn, don’t look at other girls. Believe me, this seems absurd only from the outside. In fact, when everything is written down, there will be fewer conflicts.

8 common causes of family quarrels and detailed instructions on what to do. About this - follow the link.

Anatomy of quarrels between a man and a woman

Quarrel has both positive and negative meanings. Constructive discussion identifies problems and relieves tension, but prolonged conflict can destroy harmony. Establishing the causes of the quarrel, diplomacy and patience will help you get out of the “battle” with the least emotional losses.

10 main reasons

Resolving disagreements begins with identifying their causes. Psychologists cite 10 main factors leading to conflict situations:

1. Relationships with parents (conflicts with mother-in-law, mother-in-law), raising a child.
2. Differences in lifestyle, character, interests.
3. Jealousy, suspicion of betrayal.
4. Financial difficulties.
5. Sexual dissatisfaction.
6. Addiction of one of the partners (gambling, alcohol, drugs).
7. Routine, everyday troubles.
8. Lack of care and attention.
9. Infringement of freedom, increased control.
10. Disrespect for your partner's opinions and feelings.

Both minor and major sources of disagreement can derail a relationship. To prevent this from happening, it is worth finding a compromise solution through dialogue.

Positive side

Conflicts can be creative. They have a positive impact on relationships and help personal development:

1. More trust. During disagreements, partners open up to each other emotionally. Such experience eliminates the fear of misunderstanding. This allows you not to put off solving complex issues indefinitely.
2. Relieving tension. You can't store emotions inside. Timely expression of grievances reduces the scale of the quarrel and has a beneficial effect on the mental well-being of the couple.
3. Reduced requirements. Lovers often paint an ideal image. Failure to comply with it leads to disappointment. In quarrels comes understanding and acceptance of the partner’s shortcomings. This makes the relationship not ephemeral, but real and sustainable.
4. Rapprochement. Partners who quarrel violently reconcile in bed in the same way. Passionate sex makes a couple stronger.
5. Crash test. Quarrel is used as a tool to test strength. After it, conclusions are drawn about the continuation of the relationship and the presence of problems.

Quarrels make each partner better - more understanding, patient and caring. People learn to listen and hear each other. They do not avoid problematic situations, but boldly seek solutions. High expectations and reproaches are replaced by acceptance of the other half with all its shortcomings.

Negative components

Quarrels often become the starting point of separation. There are several signs of such destructive conflicts:

1. Ridicule, name-calling and assault. When partners stoop to verbal humiliation and fights in quarrels, trying to hurt each other more painfully, their relationship cannot be called healthy. There is no place for love and respect in them.
2. Irritation over little things. Frequent squabbles that grow out of nothing, “blowing mountains out of molehills,” constantly expressed discontent indicate the need for separation.
3. Persistent resentment and anger. Negative emotions remaining after a quarrel are exhausting. The conflict subsides only for a while, flaring up again. Relationships cannot exist for long under this scenario.
4. Silence. Demonstrative ignoring can drag on for a long time. Avoiding conversation is a sign of reluctance to find common ground and compromise. Stubbornness will destroy a couple if the approach to the situation is not rethought.

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Destructive quarrels reveal problems in a couple or become their cause. Building relationships is sometimes difficult, but making concessions and forgiving for the sake of love is normal.

Reasons for constant strife

People argue both at the beginning of a relationship and in a long-term marriage. Constant quarrels in relationships occur for various reasons. There are 2 main ones:

1. Narcissism. Unwillingness to sacrifice and give in for the sake of a loved one, to change your habits and interests.
2. Failure to perform household duties. Stability and harmony are the key to a couple’s happiness. Disagreements are inevitable when one of the partners suddenly stops following the established pattern.

If quarrels in a couple occur periodically, and the tension does not go away, you should try to call your partner for a dialogue on your own or pay a visit to a family psychologist.

How to end destructive dialogue and make peace

Immediately after a disagreement, you need to think about what was said. You can analyze a quarrel in writing, mark out the main points, and express your feelings. This practice will help you calm down and look at the situation from the outside. To stop the conflict, you need to exhaust it. To do this, you should discuss everything with your partner, putting your thoughts and emotions in order.

Distraction will help you calm down after a scandal. You need to occupy your hands and brain with any activity - read a book, tidy up the house.

You can express your feelings on the Internet by asking the appropriate question on the forum. Users will share their experiences, support and encourage.

To make peace with your loved one if the quarrel was his fault, you should abandon accusations and reproaches. Patience, understanding and sincere dialogue will help resolve the conflict situation.

If the fault lies with the girl, she needs to admit she was wrong and apologize. This is important to eliminate the man’s resentment, otherwise it will become a source of further strife and breakdown of relationships.

If a guy doesn’t want to communicate after a quarrel and avoids open conversation, you should wait a few days. It is not always possible to express your position out loud; it is better to send a message or write a letter to your loved one. This will help you analyze the situation, get rid of unnecessary emotions and, perhaps, see a hidden way to resolve the conflict.

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Behavior during a quarrel

It is impossible to predict everything. Even if you have resolved the main causes of quarrels, no one is immune from unforeseen circumstances. If a scandal does break out, try to behave correctly:

• do not Cry;
• don't let go of your hands;
• do not insult your partner, do not remember the past;
• do not ignore his words, do not interrupt;
• do not throw things, do not break dishes;
• do not involve a third party in the conflict;
• Don’t blackmail with phrases like “I’m leaving,” “I’m filing for divorce.”

If the situation gets out of control, you need to calmly but firmly say that you do not intend to tolerate it any longer and resume the conversation only after the storm has subsided. The second scenario is to approach your loved one, hug and ask for forgiveness.

It also happens that it is incredibly difficult to restrain yourself. Especially when an endless stream of insults and reproaches are thrown at you. In order not to sink to the same level and not to break down when your nerves are already at the limit, it is better to break the plate.

Some more tips from psychologists on how to behave during a quarrel with a loved one:

• look into his eyes, do not lose eye contact;
• say “we” instead of “I” or “you”;
• ask questions about what he/she feels, wants;
• listen to the end;
• try to catch the rhythm of his breathing and breathe in unison with him - this way you can calm him down, subordinating him to your more measured rhythm.

The wiser you behave during conflicts, the smoother they will flow and the faster they will end. This will help maintain a healthy relationship and avoid separation.

Case from practice. She is a doctor. He is a person who has suffered from high blood pressure since childhood. They quarreled often. Since during the experience of strong negative emotions, stress hormones are released in the body, his blood pressure jumped, he began to feel dizzy, and he felt ill. She, seeing him in this state, tried to stop the scandals, but he did not let up. In the end, she found a way to cool him down at such moments, literally and figuratively: she soaked a towel in cold water and made compresses on his forehead and wrists. The quarrel ended within 5 minutes.

The main causes of quarrels in the family

The reasons for quarrels and disagreements in the family can be completely different factors, and for each couple they are different. But there are several common conflictogens that cause irritation most often.

• Jealousy. Perhaps the most common and main cause of family quarrels. There are very few people who are ready to share their other half with anyone, and usually any suspicion of betrayal leads to conflict situations. Jealousy can be both completely justified, when one of the partners really allows himself too much in communicating with the opposite sex, and pathological, when in any action of the other spouse the other sees preconditions for betrayal.
• The desire to change your partner. After a period of falling in love, a crisis often comes when not the most pleasant character traits of the partners come out. Then each of them strives with all his might to “remake” his spouse, which usually causes resistance.
• Lack of attention. At the pace of modern life, spouses often lose the romantic touch in their relationships with their loved ones, stop giving compliments and enjoying little things. A person who lacks attention from his lover begins to behave like a child - he provokes scandals and quarrels in order to finally get his share of communication.
• Discrepancy between life principles and beliefs. This is a complex reason, the range of its meanings is quite wide. This could be the notorious socks under the sofa, or the addiction of one of the spouses to bad habits, and even belonging to different nationalities or religious denominations. Each spouse will strive to convince the other of the correctness of their judgments. Such conflicts, as a rule, are protracted, and periodically fade and escalate.
• Intimate difficulties. For some physiological reasons, partners may not have the same periods of sexual activity, as a result, one or both remain unsatisfied. This entails increased irritation and nervousness; partners begin to cling to trifles and quarrel over insignificant reasons.

Reconciliation

If a scandal has already occurred, the question always arises of how to return to the previous relationship after a quarrel. The truce will depend on how much each partner needs it. If both want it, it will be quick and non-traumatic. If only one person makes contact, he will eventually get tired of it - separation is inevitable. If both are too proud to ask for forgiveness, a breakup will occur soon.

What can you do to restart your relationship after a fight:

• ask for forgiveness (if you are to blame);
• calmly discuss the painful problem, find a solution and not return to it;
• arrange a reconciliation dinner;
• stun your partner with good news so that he forgets about the quarrel: “I’m pregnant,” “Marry me,” “I bought a chinchilla,” “I love you” (if this is the first declaration of love);
• make a gift (from simple but romantic daisies to the latest iPhone model);
• write an SMS or a note, record a video.

In fact, there are a huge number of ways of reconciliation. Many factors matter when choosing:

1. The partner’s character: some will only be reconciled after a gorgeous bouquet, while for others a compliment is enough.
2. Age of relationship: young people need romance with dinner on the roof, and older people can make peace over a cup of tea and bagels.
3. Degree of guilt: you can simply ask for forgiveness for a broken vase, but for the dented bumper of your husband’s favorite “swallow” this will clearly not be enough.
4. The scope of the quarrel: if it was just a heated argument, making peace can be easier and faster, and after a scandal that all the neighbors heard, it takes some time to calm down.

If you want to renew your relationship, take all these points into account. Remember that every couple is unique. What worked for Vicky and Vasya may turn out to be absolutely useless in your case. Look for the best ways, but never delay the truce. A day is the maximum for a person to come to his senses, calm down and be ready to build bridges.

Prevention

To avoid scandals, psychologists give advice on how to avoid quarrels in relationships:

• communicate: talk to each other daily so that there are no unexplored spots on the map of your relationship;
• spend your leisure time together: go out of town, go to the cinema, visit exhibitions, make a common circle of acquaintances - there will be no energy or time left for quarrels;
• study each other, ask questions about what someone likes and vice versa - you need to do this throughout your life;
• do not hesitate to show love to each other, give gifts and compliments more often;
• be honest, even if the truth is unpleasant;
• If a serious problem is brewing, it is better to seek help from a third party (the best option is a psychologist).

Following these recommendations requires effort and constant work on yourself. But the result will be warm, trusting relationships without disagreements and scandals. It's possible, you just have to try.

GuruTest

Psychologists have answered the popular question about whether quarrels in families are considered normal behavior, or whether they are talking about an imminent breakup of relationships. It would be wrong to talk about quarrels from one position, because in families conflicts most often develop according to two scenarios. Some, after such “shake-ups,” manage to find a compromise and live happily, having settled the incident, while for others, quarrels bring nothing but disappointment and resentment. In this regard, we can highlight five points according to which quarrels are the norm, and several separate points that indicate that a quarrel is the “agony of a relationship.”

Why quarrels are the norm in relationships

Quarrels help to find a constructive solution to problems; they serve a good purpose - to throw out negativity, express dissatisfaction and find a way to get rid of obstacles on the path to happiness. Couples in such quarrels receive several “bonuses” at once.

1. Trust. A couple should go through a major quarrel at least once in their life, in which each partner will be able to throw out accumulated dissatisfaction and emotions. Such conflicts will bring lovers together in the future, and after such an emotional outburst you won’t want to quarrel for a very, very long time. In addition, after a quarrel, an understanding comes that there is no need to “accumulate” dissatisfaction, and the faster a compromise is found, the fewer quarrels there will be in the future. It is possible that they will not exist at all.

2. Improved emotional state. Grievances expressed out loud, and even dishes broken on the floor are an internal liberation. In couples where the partners sincerely love each other, such a surge of emotions will bring satisfaction. Sometimes it is better to express everything that has been accumulating than to endure and wait for the moment when “it will sort itself out.” Your emotional and physical health will improve as you no longer need to hold on to the ticking bomb waiting to explode from within and cause suffering.

3. Recognition. During a quarrel, partners can find out the true feelings of their loved ones, understand their preferences and what makes them feel offended. During a quarrel, you can talk about your feelings, about the pain that prevents you from living happily. Such heart-to-heart conversations, even if they are conducted in a raised voice, are another step towards strengthening the connection.

4. Rapprochement. In a conflict situation, the partner’s preferences, his personal boundaries and how vulnerable he is become clear. No matter how long people have been in a relationship, only during quarrels can you see the true face of a person who is trying to convey his opinion to his partner. After the relationship has been clarified, lovers will begin to treat each other more kindly and begin to respect each other’s personal preferences.

5. Improvement. Partners express dissatisfaction with each other, and it becomes the cause of change. Lovers will meet each other halfway, try to change their behavior and character for the better, because they are interested in preserving mutual feelings and are not ready to break up over trifles.

Quarrels are the end of a relationship

Conflicts can cause a breakup. And it is possible to understand that this is exactly what family life is heading towards precisely during and after such scandals.

1. Endless nagging. In families where one or both partners find fault with each other, clinging over trifles, the relationship is “on the wane.” Unreasonable aggression and discontent are not companions of “healthy relationships.”

2. Continued anger. After quarrels, there is no improvement, but on the contrary, you want to continue and continue to be angry, forcing your partner to feel unhappy and inferior.

3. Insults. In couples where one or both partners get personal, insulting each other with abusive words and remembering every mistake, there is no love. This can be a painful attachment that is simply scary to break. Those who insult a loved one are unlikely to be familiar with the words “love,” “happiness,” and “compromise.”

4. Hidden quarrel. Ignoring can be called a silent protest and quarrel, when partners not only cannot, but do not want to find a common language. Such a protest is not a way to strengthen relationships, because a quarrel implies a search for an optimal solution in order to resolve the conflict.

Couples who quarrel can independently determine the level of trust in the relationship and understand whether it is ending or becoming stronger. Psychologists remind us that after quarrels, people in love are attracted to each other and become closer, while those who are tired of each other experience devastation and a desire to “unsee” their partner.

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04.03.2019 06:21