How can a daughter-in-law behave correctly with her mother-in-law and improve relationships? Psychologist's advice

As we often hear from young daughters-in-law, unflattering statements towards their mother-in-law. But the question immediately arises: what did you do to make the relationship with your spouse’s mother work out? Often, respect, understanding and your kindness are enough for her. Mother-in-law and mother-in-law are different - many will say, but nevertheless, this woman raised and educated the man whom you chose as your husband.

What types of mothers-in-law are there?

The mother-in-law is a tyrant, constantly meddling in the affairs of the young family, and believes that the daughter-in-law is good for nothing. She demands that not only all her whims be fulfilled instantly, but that the young people live as she wants.
Girlfriend - strives to help her daughter-in-law in everything, asks for advice. This is, as a rule, a very passionate woman who communicates with her daughter-in-law several times a year, and then only on family holidays.
A spy mother-in-law is a woman who has a large supply of energy, but she finds no use for it. Therefore, she actively interferes in the affairs of the young family, often being annoying, demanding and curious.
A mother hen is a mother-in-law who does not want to let her son go, much less share him with another woman. She is sure that her son owes her - she dedicated her life to him. In such a situation, the young woman will have a hard time, because no matter what she does, you won’t please her.
A mother-in-law-husband is a real godsend, as she will do everything possible to ensure that the newlyweds live amicably and happily. Always ready to help with advice, but at the same time unobtrusive and understanding.
Mother-in-law is a business lady. He never gets involved in the affairs of his son’s family – he has enough of his own to do. And if it happens that the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law have common interests, then the result will be a friendly tandem.
A mother-in-law is the most delicate woman who often observes conflicts between her daughter and her son-in-law’s mother, and tries not to be like a matchmaker. And if, on top of everything else, you make friends with your lover’s sister, your family is reliably protected from any nagging.

Relationships with mother-in-law

What kind of “bird” is your mother-in-law?

mother hen

This woman is distinguished by her great love of children. After the first meeting, she is ready to “adopt” you in full. If she likes you and she decides to accept you into her family, she will insist on living together. She is usually the one who pushes her hesitant son towards marriage. The mother hen sees the meaning of her life in serving her family and easily gives up her career for the sake of her son’s well-being (in her understanding, of course). The hen is a sacrificial mother and selfless grandmother, irreplaceable as long as there are small children in the family. The hen is sincerely surprised when you try to somehow limit her presence in your home.

What to do? In relationships with your mother-in-law, it is important to stand on the line between complete trust and the necessary degree of autonomy. At first glance, such a mother-in-law seems extremely “convenient”: you can shift most of the household chores onto her shoulders, and fearlessly abandon your offspring for an indefinite period of time.

On the other hand, by agreeing to accept the family model that the Mother Hen imposes on you, you are voluntarily giving the reins of your life into the hands of others. And your spouse will feel like a “mama’s boy” first of all, and only then – your husband. If you want to reduce the discomfort of communicating with your mother-in-law, follow some simple rules. Learn to keep your distance. Call your husband's mother only by her first name and patronymic and do not have intimate conversations. Teach your husband that, despite deep respect for his parent, you have your own opinion on any issue. Switch her attention to her grandchildren, and then, most likely, she will forget about her intention to re-educate you.

Eagle

Of course, having such a mother-in-law is a difficult ordeal. The Eagle mother-in-law perceives your marriage as an encroachment on her family nest. She doesn’t like her son’s chosen one in advance. She feels deeply hurt at the thought that someone managed to take a place in his heart. Whether you are a deputy of the State Duma or Catherine Deneuve herself, in her eyes you are still “not a match” for her beloved chick.

The Eagle mother-in-law prevents her son’s marriage until the last possible opportunity and sometimes commits unseemly acts for the sake of her goal. Women of this type have a “general” character and react extremely sharply to the manifestation of independence of their son and his beloved. When the Eagle understands that the wedding cannot be avoided, she tries with all her might to pull her future daughter-in-law into her “orbit,” to subjugate her and thereby maintain her dominant position in the family.

What to do? Going into open confrontation with your Eagle mother-in-law is quite dangerous. However, don't take her complaints to heart. It is better to take the position of a detached observer who waits with sympathy for the “rival” to accept her fate. Being leaders by nature, Eagle mothers-in-law are able to respect only equals. In the end, she will appreciate the stubbornness and inflexibility of her stubborn daughter-in-law and agree to share her son with her.

The “repentant sinner” strategy, on the contrary, leads to the fact that you will remain under the thumb of a stern mother-in-law for the rest of your life, and at every opportunity she will not forget to remind you who is the real mistress of the house. The main task in communicating with the Eagle mother-in-law is to maintain dignity and not descend into banal squabbles on everyday grounds.

Cuckoo

She doesn’t really like the role of a mother, and she is very glad that she has finally found a woman who is ready to take care of her son. The cuckoo will easily allow him to move into your apartment. In advanced cases, you will have to literally “adopt” her. The cuckoo is infantile and therefore takes your concern about its health, rest, financial well-being, and so on for granted. She doesn't feel the slightest sense of gratitude. The cuckoo does not show much interest in grandchildren. For her, they are just funny creatures with which, on occasion, she can tinker a little. In critical situations, you cannot count on the help of your Cuckoo mother-in-law.

What to do? It is necessary to immediately separate your family and your mother-in-law's family. Otherwise, you will have a capricious and demanding “child” the very next day after the wedding celebrations. On the other hand, Cuckoos are usually quite pleasant to talk to, as they are ready to listen to your opinion and are devoid of any prejudices. The Cuckoo Mother-in-law serves as a source of grief not for you, but for your husband. Lack of love from a mother sometimes leads to depression even in an adult man. Therefore, it is sometimes useful to gently remind the mother-in-law of maternal responsibilities, even to the point of specially organizing meetings between her and her son.

Peahen

Once upon a time she was the first beauty. And even now there is no shortage of fans. She feels comfortable surrounded by young people, and she is flattered by the attention of her son's friends. She is not against your marriage, but she is frightened by the thought that she will soon become a grandmother. Mother-in-law Pava is too busy with herself to take an active part in the life of the young family. It is unlikely that she will rush to help you improve your life. However, this is usually not necessary, since Pav’s sons are perfectly able to perform all household duties. Mother-in-law Pava instills in her sons a respectful and enthusiastic attitude towards women. Therefore, your husband will most likely be capable of an almost perfect partnership in marriage.

What to do? Do not skimp on compliments, praising your mother-in-law’s feminine charm. Try your best to emphasize her youth and attractiveness. When meeting her, you should not dress too brightly and use provocative makeup, so as not to cause understandable envy. It is quite easy to establish friendly relations with your mother-in-law, Pava, by inviting her to various cultural events: to the cinema, to the theater, to exhibitions. The main task is to convince her that she interests you not only as the mother of your husband, but first of all, as an extraordinary person.

little sparrow

At first glance, this type of mother-in-law has a very meek disposition. She treats her daughter-in-law with emphasized reverence and never allows herself to command in her son’s family. Sparrow usually has very traditional ideas about the distribution of family responsibilities, and she would rather travel to your place on the other side of town three times a week than let her son do the cooking and cleaning. At first you will be very happy with the current state of affairs. But after a while you will find that Sparrow becomes “too much.”

Most likely, the Sparrow mother-in-law’s own personal life did not work out. Her professional career did not take place, and she really wants to warm up by your fireside. It would seem that what's wrong with this? But, having no experience of harmonious marital relationships, a woman of this type, without realizing it, gradually destroys your family. She is not satisfied with her situation and feels truly comfortable only among equally unhappy people. In other words, she is uncomfortable when others feel “too good.” The Sparrow-in-law will help you in difficult times, but happiness is not her strong point.

What to do? The cardinal way to “hunt” a Sparrow mother-in-law is to marry her off or at least get her interested in some kind of hobby. It is important for her to feel needed and useful in caring for her summer cottage or pets. Don't tease Little Sparrow with a demonstration of your well-being. It’s better to thicken the colors a little when talking about problems and adversities. Compassion for you is the best foundation for building a stable relationship with your Sparrow mother-in-law.

There are few lucky women in the world who managed to immediately, without much effort, establish contact with their mother-in-law. How many tears have been shed. How many families have been destroyed due to misunderstandings that arise between two women who, in essence, strive for the same goal: to make their son and husband happy. So, maybe it’s worth using a little natural cunning to achieve this noble goal?

How to behave with your mother-in-law?

But you should not immediately conclude that there cannot be a good relationship with your husband’s mother, and those stories in which the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law live together are simply fairy tales of those who are simply fabulously lucky.

It all depends on the young lady; with the right approach to solving the problem, the beloved’s family can truly become support and support. Otherwise, this is the root cause of family quarrels and separation.

It is worth noting that, of course, not everything depends on the daughter-in-law, but 50% is the minimum. It is mistakes at the initial stage of relations with “mother” that subsequently lead to frequent quarrels between spouses. But there is a way out. Reconsider your behavior and correct the tactical mistakes that young daughters-in-law often make.

By the way, you don’t need to constantly complain about your mother-in-law and tell everyone left and right how unlucky you “poor” are. Instead of taking care of your children and husband, you invest your energy in negativity associated with your mother-in-law. Why is this happening?

Friendship with mother-in-law

Act like you like her)

Even if you now have a bad relationship with your mother-in-law and you can’t stand her, this is not a reason to be rude and be forever dissatisfied with her presence. Your relationship will not improve this way. You need to behave completely differently with your mother-in-law, start with the opposite - do everything as if you like her) This is the mother of your chosen one, and you cannot hide or run away from her, even if you really want to. So put on a friendly face and act calm. This action alone will at least save you from claims on her part - after all, there will be much less reason to find fault.

How to improve relations with your mother-in-law. Psychologist's advice

Competition

A wife should not share her lover with his mother. He's not an apple or an orange. This is an adult, accomplished man who has already made a choice once. His mother is a woman who will remain in his heart forever and will occupy a special place there. That's it - take it for granted, it will always be like this. Don’t start competitive wars - you will never take her place, just as she will never take yours.

Delimitation of territories

We are not talking about living quarters now, although it does happen when the mother-in-law simply bursts into the apartment at 8 am on a weekend and confronts you with a fact - I’m visiting, why are you still sleeping? The conversation is about the personal space that you share with your husband - this is what should be protected from strangers.

Situations often arise when the mother-in-law, having learned about a certain decision, begins to lament that for some reason no one asked her. It is at the initial stage that you need to determine the boundaries of your family. This is very difficult, but it must be done, otherwise you may soon encounter a situation where your husband’s mother starts demanding the keys to the apartment, calling at night and arriving without warning whenever she pleases.

Don't give in to provocations

As soon as you start living together, you begin to develop your own, understandable and comfortable microclimate only for you. And it is extremely undesirable to let your mother-in-law here. All decisions should be made by just the two of you. At first, your mother-in-law will interfere in all your affairs, whether it concerns finances or the birth of children, but you need to show perseverance and inflexibility - otherwise you will suffer in the future.

Quarrel with mother-in-law

If you don’t want to quarrel, listen and do it your way. And don’t even think about discussing her child’s shortcomings with your mother - you will automatically become your worst enemy.

Don't expect support from your mother-in-law

Often young girls, while still in the process of meeting and becoming friends with their lover, place higher expectations on his mother, since he assures that his mother is golden, and you will become friends with her very quickly. She will never, you hear, never love you as her own daughter - that’s what you have your parents for, isn’t it...

In addition, the husband’s mother has her own preferences and fantasies about who she would like to see next to her child. Maybe she wants a quiet person who will do nothing but cook for her beloved son, give birth to his children and remain silent when her mother speaks. And you are a self-sufficient woman who makes a career, rarely cooks and is not about to give birth, wanting to live for herself - how do you like this situation...

Therefore, do not create illusions - you will not be disappointed.

Don't take all conflicts upon yourself

Don't let your man withdraw. If his mother likes to make scandals and cause squabbles, this is his problem, which he must solve himself. You are not an evil cop who constantly guards his borders - you must protect your family together.

Mother in law is not a monster

Don't immediately tune in to the negative. Show communication and gratitude. After all, it was this woman who raised the son whom you loved with all your heart. In the future, this is your children's grandmother - remember this.

Don't hide behind your husband

If a conflict situation arises with your mother-in-law, resolve it without intermediaries; especially, you should not take her son as an arbitrator. Never drag your husband into your conflict and don’t let your mother-in-law do this.

In a situation where women complain to a man about each other, he usually distances himself from both.

Any relationship is hard work that requires a certain return. There is no need to try to please or, on the contrary, to stand on the other side of the barricades, just show patience and respect and ask for the same attitude.

Psychologists identify several types of mothers-in-law

Girlfriend. If you have such a mother-in-law, then it’s just luck. In this relationship, no one will command each other, asks the young daughter-in-law for a lot of advice, calls her, communicates. She does not give unnecessary advice, as she believes that young people will be able to deal with problems themselves. Such communication is peaceful and unobtrusive, therefore, such relationships are very friendly.
Spy. Most often, a divorced woman who has irrepressible energy belongs to this category. She loves to dictate her own rules to everyone, give everyone advice, and poke her nose into other people's lives. It is not easy to build a relationship with such a person; they are often tense due to her desire to know all the information about you and subject you to her control.
Despot. This is a very scary mother-in-law. She is confident that the young family must completely and unquestioningly obey her. If the daughter-in-law does not follow all orders. Consequently, the relationship between them will be very complex. There will definitely be loud scandals if the rights of the daughter-in-law are defended.
Mother hen. This type is characterized by an offended woman who devoted all her time to her beloved son. Now she cannot come to terms with the fact that her son is an adult and independent man who is building his own life. You can make friends with such a mother-in-law. If she pays special attention to her husband and treats her more tolerantly.
Business lady . This type of mother-in-law will never stoop to control her son's family. She is busy with her own affairs and believes that the most important thing is her career. The relationship with your daughter-in-law will be just fine. If they also have common interests. Therefore, it will be a great partnership.
Husband's wife. This mother-in-law will help her daughter-in-law in everything if she sees it. Which means she really loves her son. You shouldn’t reject her help, and you shouldn’t dump the burden of family problems on such a mother-in-law. So, she will admire her daughter-in-law and enjoy a good relationship with her.
Mother-in-law. This is a great option for a daughter-in-law. Such a woman will be wise in her relationship with her daughter-in-law. In this case, good friendship with your husband's sister will bring positive results and peace in the family for many years.

Video: The whole truth about the mother-in-law. Say it all or remain silent

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