Manipulative men can be found quite often along the way. They cause a lot of problems, preventing you from relaxing. And how should you behave with them in a relationship?
What is the goal of manipulative men?
First of all, by manipulating and humiliating, they try to raise their self-esteem. And their goals are only related to feeling more valuable and important than they really are.
Rules for communicating with manipulators
Don't focus on him more than yourself
Often a woman in love begins to “drown” in a man and live for him. She focuses only on him, forgetting about her own affairs and preferences. And this is wrong! To be happy, you need to be able to concentrate on yourself and love yourself, and the manipulator will serve as good practice.
And it’s not difficult to keep the focus on yourself: every time upsetting memories with such a man come to mind, you need to do something good and pleasant for yourself. And then, in the end, your own interests will always be a priority.
Watch him
After observing a manipulator, you will notice that as soon as a woman begins to win his attention, he disappears. Conversely, if she gradually forgets about him and does not hope for his return, he will appear on the path again. We can conclude that attracting his attention, calling and writing messages to him is such a solution.
There are some life lessons you can learn from such men, including high self-esteem. When you notice that they appear regardless of whether the lady did something for them or not, then self-esteem will begin to grow greatly.
Don't feel guilty
There is no need to constantly feel guilty for refusing, because a person is not obliged to behave the way someone else wants. If a man demands something, and the woman herself is firmly convinced that this is not worth doing, you need to be able to say “no” to him without blaming yourself. Only she decides how to live and what to do in a given situation.
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Be unpredictable
Manipulating men are well acquainted with the psychology of women, and often they already know in advance how a woman will behave in a certain situation. And therefore it is necessary to become unpredictable for him. Instead of meeting his expectations and getting upset, it is better to show composure with goodwill. And when he doesn’t expect anything, he can suddenly create a scandal or even vice versa, make a pleasant surprise. Manipulators are used to “steering” the situation themselves. And if a woman prevents this, they begin to be seriously interested in her.
Don't be afraid to express your opinion
A great target for a manipulator are people who are not independent and who are afraid to distinguish themselves and express their opinions. Therefore, you need to be a little bolder and not remain silent where you really shouldn’t. If you happen to notice that a man is manipulating, of course it will be easier to tell him directly and immediately cut off ties. And you should not be afraid, because the consequences will not be as terrible as expected.
These were all the rules on how to deal with manipulators in a relationship. The main thing to remember is that everyone decides for themselves how to live their life and who to let into it.
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Hello! This is a blog on psychology, in which significant attention is paid to the topics of psychological violence - abuse, narcissism, relationships, personal crises, taking responsibility for one's life, increasing self-esteem, existential problems. The cost of consulting a psychologist is 3000 rubles/hour, in person (Moscow, Maryina Roshcha metro station), or via Skype
Often life brings us together with men of a special category: womanizers, egoists and downright scoundrels, for whom the feelings of other people mean nothing at all. Alas, male manipulators are not such rare specimens. Among them may be your boss, your ex-husband, or your current unfaithful lover. How to deal with a manipulator? Try to re-educate? Or is it better to run as far away from him as possible?
A lot of psychological literature has been written about “bad boys.” There is also enough information on the Internet about how to conquer a manipulative man. I’m not going to give you traditional advice and I’m not suggesting that you cut out manipulators from your life (especially since sometimes it’s simply impossible to do this). I want to tell you what game the “bad boys” are playing with us and how to change the rules of this game.
Male manipulators and their methods You have probably noticed that at the very beginning of a relationship, “bad boys” are very gallant and courteous. At this moment, they seem to us to be the embodiment of the dream of a handsome prince.
Why is this impression created? First of all, because at this stage the balance of take/give is ideally maintained. He does something for you, you do something for him. He calls you - and you call him. He always answers your SMS, presents pleasant surprises, and shows a keen interest in your affairs.
But at some point the following happens: You write him an SMS, but the answer still does not come. You dial a second time and again there is no answer. And only after the third message does he consider it necessary to answer you. You try to attract his attention, but... he pretends that nothing special is happening. You come up with something unusual, but there is still no reaction. And so you organize something grandiose - and then he calls you or likes your photo on social networks.
Over time, you have to put in more and more effort to maintain his interest. You don’t understand what’s going on, what happened, what has changed? It seems to you that you need to try harder, and then you will finally win his heart! But... time goes by, and the relationship gets worse and worse...
So what to do about it? How to turn suffering into joy? How to force the “bad boy” to play by your rules and stop investing in obviously empty relationships?
Rule #1: Turn on observation!
Watch the manipulative man! You will see an interesting pattern: as soon as you begin to fight for his attention, he disappears, and when you lose hope of his return, he reappears on your horizon. The conclusion is obvious: attracting his attention, writing SMS, calling him is the wrong way!
“Bad boys” do not appear in our lives just like that. They “give” us life lessons, and one of them is increasing our self-esteem. Your self-esteem will begin to grow when you notice that the “bad boy” appears regardless of whether you do something for him or do absolutely nothing.
Which women are easy to manipulate?
Women with the following character traits most often become victims of male manipulation:
- very low self-esteem;
- responsiveness and compassion towards people;
- sacrifice and dedication;
- decency and integrity;
- dependence on a man or on the surrounding society.
All these positive qualities play against a woman when meeting a manipulator. In the process of acquaintance and first meetings, a man probes all the weak points on which he then builds his manipulations.
Rule #2: Focus on yourself!
A manipulative man: how to communicate with him to your advantage
When a woman falls in love, she often dissolves in a man and begins to live for him, overestimating his importance and value. She wraps herself around him like ivy, forgetting about herself and her interests. This is no good! If you want to be a happy woman, you need to learn to keep the focus on yourself, and the “bad boy” is the best training tool.
It's very easy to focus on yourself. Whenever you remember a “bad boy” and suffer for him, do something nice for yourself. Sooner or later you will get used to putting your pleasures and interests first.
Options for influencing the victim
To attract a girl’s attention, a man follows a proven pattern. He prefers to be guided by his own views, which are difficult to understand. Usually the main task is to charm the chosen one and win her over in every possible way. After this, the only thing left to do is to instill in her your goals and values, accuse her in every possible way, but do it extremely skillfully.
Persuasion
A common male method that allows you to achieve everything you need to achieve at a certain moment. To begin with, the guy begins to act gently, trying to persuade, offer something, advise. When a woman gets used to such pressure, other, more aggressive methods are used.
Guilt
A husband may tell his wife that she is ugly and unattractive. Sometimes he tends to give unnecessary advice and intelligently calculates his every word. Guilt can destroy you from within: it does not allow you to change, but only points to existing shortcomings. Its signs can be read in a reproachful look, intonation, and voice.
Friendship and constant “debts”
A manipulative friend strives to give out “valuable” recommendations. This happens as often as it suits the guy himself. In communication, he constantly emphasizes that it was impossible to cope without him. As a result, the girl feels indebted and even obliged to her “benefactor.”
READ
How to get out of the friend zone: algorithm of actions, correct behavior
Rule #3: Be unexpected!
Manipulators understand female psychology very well, and they often know in advance how a woman will behave in a given situation. Become unpredictable for him! When he expects a scandal or tears from you, demonstrate cold-blooded goodwill. When he doesn’t expect anything for no reason, throw a scandal or... give him a pleasant surprise. Men-manipulators are used to controlling the situation. When a woman does not allow them to do this, they begin to feel genuine interest in her.
But maybe you have a question: “Why deal with manipulators at all?” The fact is that “bad boys” usually have significant resources: knowledge, experience, money, connections. When you start playing with manipulators according to your own rules, without getting emotionally involved in the relationship, then these men will begin to share their resources with you, because they also want to see a “bad girl” next to them.
Author Maria Permyakova
The victim and the manipulator, strange as it may sound, find support in each other. Although such relationships cannot be called easy - the victim-manipulator pair in a relationship is not the calmest, but, nevertheless, they are quite common. If not very common.
Methods of male manipulation
To manipulate their partners, men use tools such as frequent compliments, excessive rigidity, convincing a girl of her unworthiness, imposing a sense of duty and guilt, feeding emotions, and others.
Pleasant words
The most common and effective way of manipulation is pleasant words and compliments. Using this method, you can influence a person of any age, gender and social status.
In order for pleasant words addressed to a woman to bear fruit, men first study the “weaknesses” of their other half. If a girl is dissatisfied with her appearance, the partner focuses on attractiveness and often talks about her beauty. He is always attentive to changes in hairstyle, clothing style, etc.
Men often praise their chosen one for her good character traits and thriftiness. The stronger sex should remember that too much compliments leads to a loss of their effectiveness.
Feelings of constant guilt and debt
A man can be offended by any little thing. He acts reserved and becomes withdrawn. A disappointed and thoughtful appearance always works in a positive way for men. The woman begins to feel guilty and tries to correct the current situation. The emotional state of the chosen one becomes unstable, which is what the manipulator is counting on.
Over time, the woman who is often charged with guilt begins to understand this manipulation and react to it with aggression.
Belief of worthlessness
This method of manipulation can be classified as a type of psychological pressure. A woman who constantly hears about her worthlessness and uselessness begins to feel flawed and unnecessary. She tries more actively to please the man in everything, hoping that his opinion will change and he will appreciate the efforts.
Belittling a woman’s dignity leads to the appearance of many complexes in her. This method of manipulation pleases men’s, not entirely healthy, pride. This behavior is typical of tyrants or unloving men.
Rigidity
Many women want to see next to them a strong, courageous and arrogant man who will not let his beloved go under any circumstances. If a quarrel or misunderstanding arises, he will hold the woman and will not let her leave.
Representatives of the fair sex want their companion to be a dominant brutal male who solves all her problems.
"Carrot and stick"
This common method works great with both women and the stronger sex. The essence of this method is to frequently change behavior. A kind, affectionate man after some time becomes reserved and taciturn.
A woman, noticing this behavior of her chosen one, experiences bewilderment and confusion. She wants the man to become affectionate and caring again; she unconsciously begins to please him in everything in order to regain his favor. After several such scenarios, a woman begins to succumb to male manipulation.
Finance
Men often use money as a universal tool to conquer their other halves. With the help of expensive gifts and other financial expenses, representatives of the stronger sex try to tie their chosen one more tightly to themselves. Some force a woman to quit her job and devote all her time to her family.
There is also a category of men who are unable to provide for their family. They are trying to establish total control over their wife’s income and spending. In both cases, money becomes a way to put pressure on a woman.
A representative of the fair sex, completely dependent on the income of her husband, tries to compensate for her failure and also resorts to manipulation. Possible speculation with children or depiction of an unhappy person.
Strong male jealousy
Many women believe that jealousy is one of the manifestations of love. Sometimes men use jealousy as a tool for manipulation. They do not bother with other evidence of their love, but simply create scenes of jealousy. This makes the chosen ones feel that they are important and dear to their partner.
Through jealousy, an insecure man can achieve total power over his soul mate. By concentrating attention on himself, he deliberately makes the woman dependent and in need of him.
The game of "eternal victim"
Some men skillfully portray themselves as victims: they were once deceived, abandoned, the people around them do not understand or appreciate them, they are unhappy and lonely, etc. The main task of the stronger sex is to proclaim a woman as his savior and give her the right to solve all his problems. This gives the chosen ones the illusion of their own relevance and need.
Often such men turn out to be gigolos or ordinary consumers. There are cases in which both partners are quite satisfied with such a relationship.
Sex management
This method of manipulation is suitable for women who are selflessly in love. When a man realizes that his chosen one experiences incredible pleasure from intimacy with him, he begins to take advantage of it. Manipulation consists of having sex very often or completely refusing it as punishment.
A man deprived of intimacy can find it on the side, which cannot be said about women. They will suffer, worry about the lack of sex, experience discomfort, as a result of which they will become more pliable and accommodating.
Ignoring a woman
Some representatives of the stronger sex are sure that the less they demonstrate their love for a woman, the more she will try to please.
This method of manipulation may not bear fruit in all cases. A self-sufficient and confident girl will not try to please a cold-blooded and unemotional man.
What do manipulators look for in such relationships?
To understand how to behave with a male manipulator, let’s also find out what male manipulators are looking for in dependent relationships, because such relationships cannot be called anything other than dependent.
A manipulator enters into a dependent relationship because, firstly, the victim woman is very amenable to manipulation. That is, in such relationships you can manipulate very well.
We advise you to read: How to resist a manipulator
In addition, such a woman is a very faithful partner for a manipulator, a kind of stable, stable figure in the life of the manipulator.
Typically, a manipulator man does not trust the world and people well, but in such a victim woman he sees stability, loyalty, he sees in her someone he can rely on, someone he can trust in a difficult situation.
Victim-manipulator alliance
In unions between a male manipulator and a female victim, the following often happens: a male manipulator merges with himself a female victim, who ultimately loses her “I” and begins to live with the needs, desires and interests of such a man.
But at the same time she receives a storm of passions and a flurry of emotions that she usually lacks. There will definitely not be peace in such a couple.
Here you need to pay attention to the fact that very often a woman leaves a dependent relationship. Because they place too much strain on personal boundaries. In order to somehow survive, because in them she simply loses herself - and breaks off such relationships. Only she leaves them with injuries, severely emotionally beaten.
Therefore, if you still want to try to build a normal relationship with a manipulative man, you need to pay attention to the following points.
First , you will have to learn to set clear boundaries and defend them. There is no way without this. Next, you will need to learn to clearly express your anger, and love too.
Because if you don’t set boundaries, if you don’t realize your anger, and don’t know how to use anger to restore your personal boundaries, then you end up in a merger - you start to lose yourself in your partner, and this is not a good prognosis for relationships.
Then you definitely won’t be able to build a normal relationship with a manipulative man.
How can you understand that in a relationship you are losing yourself, losing your boundaries? This is when, after communicating with a man, even a friendly one, as with a colleague, you often feel exhausted, your energy becomes low, you begin to forget about your plans, some of your affairs, desires, needs, in general, you forget about yourself.
This is a state of fog in the head. You generally begin to think poorly. Here are typical signs that you have fallen into fusion in a relationship.
In order for this not to happen, you will have to learn to set boundaries, you need to understand that male manipulators do not violate boundaries out of malice, they just have such a natural feature and they will always do this. Almost every word, phrase, and action of theirs is very often a test of your boundaries.
But there is good news in all this, men-manipulators are well-informed, thinking people, and if you clearly show them that these are my boundaries and there is no need to go here, then they can understand this, and if a relationship with you is for them are valuable, they will understand it and begin to recognize your boundaries.
Why do men manipulate?
The most common goals of manipulation by a man are to increase self-esteem, admiration from others and obtain benefits and love.
In order not to fall for male psychological tricks, let’s consider the reasons for manipulation in more detail.
- Overcoming dissatisfaction with your own life. Playing on your significant other's emotions can be a great way to fill the emotional hole left by unpleasant events.
- Material benefit. Sometimes men want to gain power not only over the feelings of the fair sex, but also over her financial resources. It is beneficial for a partner to have a relationship with a rich and economical girl who has useful connections and acquaintances.
- Satisfying your own ego. Manipulation often gives the stronger sex a feeling of superiority over women. They begin to feel wanted and loved again.
- Inherited "alpha male" behavior. Men from families in which psychological tricks were used adopt the behavior of their parents. The father manipulates the mother in order to show his own superiority.
- Reaction to “turn-turn”. Representatives of the stronger sex react violently to the fact that the girl did not want to meet or go on a date. Men make every effort to win the favor of the woman who refused him.
- Desire for intimacy. Many guys define access to a woman's body as the most rewarding result of their manipulation. The process of conquering the fair sex sometimes becomes an exciting challenge for a man.
- Attractiveness test. Men love to test women to see if they are capable of attracting the opposite sex.
