I left my wife last night... a year ago I started a relationship with a girl who was 2 months pregnant, I knew her for 2 years at that time, but we didn’t communicate for about a year because... she was in Kyiv. Her boyfriend left her, afraid of responsibility, although at first they wanted a child. Everything was fine, she came to me from Kyiv to Russia. We had a great time, walked, I asked for a smoke, went to work, stopped drinking. then she left to give birth in Kyiv because There are better conditions there than in Russia, in a small town. I stayed to work and then came to her, and lived with her parents for a month. They turned out to be “unusual” people. They liked to drink, despite the fact that her mother was in government. the service is running. At first glance, the people were decent, but after they came drunk and started trying to beat her, the opinion immediately faded. I stood up for her, as a result of which I have a hacksaw scar on my right hand. Well, in general, we came to Russia and began to live with me. Her grandmother still lives here. I immediately got a job, not even a week had passed, and then the problems started... Because of her work, she really didn’t have enough time to be with me, and because of this, I didn’t sleep at night and went to work in the morning, at 5 am. I came home from work, went to the store, did household chores until the evening, then I tried to go to bed, but it didn’t work with her. And when I went to another room, she came for me. And it dripped on my brain, like let’s go there. And she’s such a person, you probably won’t calm down until you hit her on the head... And so on for 2 months. She is a citizen of Ukraine, she needed to exit and enter across the border. And she got ready with her small child (he was 4 months old) and her grandmother to go to Kyiv for 3 days. It turned out that I left with them. By chance. There we rested, had a walk and returned home to the peace and quiet in a good mood. Later, I had a fight with my mother, and I left home for 3-4 days to stay with a friend and stayed with him. then he returned. And I found out that my wife was suffering so much at that time that she went with a friend (easy to reach) to a cafe, then to a club... I endured it. I expressed everything I thought about this and calmed down. She won't cheat on me, I'm sure of her. She was normal for 2 days. And then it was as if something had stung her to take me out. She took me out, I slammed the door and went to my friend. I called her friend, the same one, out of anger, and yelled into the phone something like, she’s bothered me, go for a walk with her... The next day I came - she wasn’t at home. She's at grandma's. She forced me to come to her. Came. He asked what she did yesterday. …I spent 2 hours interrogating her, she told me that she was looking for me with a friend, but in fact I later found out that she was in a cafe and got drunk there, again leaving the child with her grandmother. And that after that she looked for me in the place where she and I often walked. I'll tell you about my girlfriend. I can't say anything good. At first I was a stupid, talkative person, and from the age of 15 I also had sex with everyone. Well, or through one. I don’t understand what they both found in common. I was categorically against communicating with this girlfriend always. Well, this is what came of it... After the cafe, they went to meet the next guy of this friend. Well, my wife just turned out to be a prisoner, he served 3 times, well, in general, garbage. The girlfriend swore at him and they left. After which they were accosted by non-Russians, one of them was an acquaintance of this friend!! Well, mine didn’t like it, and she ran away from them, and a couple more from this company ran after her until she caught a taxi... So how do you tell me to treat such a wife?? Recently she began to communicate with an old friend of hers from the group in which she played drums. I felt offended, I buried myself in the computer and did not want to talk to her. Then I went to bed. I woke up because she decided to show me affection. Of course I thought it was strange because she had never done this before. Well, I won't go into details. I pushed her away. And then I sat all morning and all day at the computer. In the evening she started pestering me with questions. And I didn’t want to say anything anymore. As she usually does: if she wants to know something, she sits on me and sits. And in general, he doesn’t let me go anywhere, he constantly controls me, I don’t even go to the toilet without telling me. When I get up, where are you going?... it’s quite annoying. And this time she pestered me with the question “what happened?” I already politely and rudely tried to explain to her that she shouldn’t touch me now, I’m not in the mood and I might lose my temper. He hit me on the cheek a couple of times and shouted get away from me! Sometimes it gets to such an extent that she grabs hands, pulls, etc. What do you want to give once so that she doesn’t get up? I couldn’t stand it, got dressed, she told me “if you leave now, I’ll leave too, but I won’t come back.” I slammed the door and left. I’m sitting with a friend now and don’t know what to do. Can anyone tell me what to do? I don’t want to leave her at all, but I don’t have the strength to endure it anymore, I’ve started to lose my temper very often, although before I had the patience of a samurai! Answer please.
It often happens that during a quarrel, emotions become so intense that the man leaves, slamming the door. If your husband left after another scandal, do not immediately despair. There's a good chance he'll return. Just understand that after a serious fight, you are not the person he would like to see in the near future. A man needs to exhale, calm down, “digest” what happened and draw certain conclusions.
What to do?
It is important to note that a man makes a firm decision to leave the family only after he has completely cooled down. Moreover, it has “cooled down” in all respects. The lack of passion, intimate and spiritual intimacy, of course, makes a man think about a change of scenery. But he makes the final decision only with a cool head, and not after the next showdown.
If, after all, your husband leaves home after a quarrel completely and irrevocably, all the showdowns are over, and you know exactly the reason for his leaving, it is recommended to do the following:
Don't try to force yourself on him. Frequent calls, SMS, attempts to meet, to watch for him at work, at his parents' house or in other places will only lead to the fact that they will actively avoid you. Have self-esteem and do not humiliate yourself in front of the man who left you. Practice shows that this line of behavior is the most correct and competent. If your husband is gone and doesn't call, just stay calm and don't get hysterical.
Don’t go to fortune tellers to ask them to return your husband to the family. Even if this method works, it will not do anything good. Because a person will certainly feel that attraction is happening against his will. This will cause him internal discomfort, and, of course, you can’t even dream of the previous harmonious relationship.
How to bring your loved one home
After your spouse leaves home after an argument, you do not need to immediately take action. Both partners need time to think about the situation. Sharp actions only escalate the situation. You shouldn’t run to the registry office and file for divorce or throw your spouse’s remaining belongings out of the window. The plan of action depends on where the lover has gone.
If your relationship with your mother-in-law is trusting, try talking to her. There is no need to tell her how bad her son is, it will only make her angry. Explain the situation in general terms, try to convey to her the fact that her husband was wrong, if any. In a situation with a friend, the plan of action is the same. If you were able to convey the essence of the conversation to your interlocutor, he will try to convince your man to return home as soon as possible.
The departure of a lover to his mistress raises many questions. If he decided to take such a step, it means they didn’t meet yesterday. Here you need to decide for yourself whether you are ready to forgive betrayal. If the answer is yes, try to meet him on neutral territory and have a motivating conversation without hysterics or insults. If he has warm feelings for his wife, the man will take her side, and the family will be reunited.
How to find ways of reconciliation if he is to blame for the quarrel?
If a man is to blame for a family quarrel, the wife needs to choose a certain tactic for further behavior. In this situation, there are several options for behavior. Let's look at some of them.
Make concessions. A woman must sacrifice something for the sake of her family and give in to her husband. Even if your husband is to blame for the quarrel, you need to overcome your pride and resentment, approach your husband and start a conversation. You should not directly talk about his guilt; you can only tactfully hint that the spouse was wrong. It is advisable not to hurt your spouse’s pride in a conciliatory conversation, otherwise it will not be possible to avoid a new quarrel.
Wait. If your spouse is an easygoing person, you can simply wait out the quarrel and after a while he himself will come to make peace. However, such men are very rare. Usually they are all very proud and stubborn. Therefore, in most cases, the wife has to be the first to compromise. You should not apologize to your spouse if he is to blame for the quarrel. Just invite your husband to talk about the current situation.
Try to make him jealous. Some women resort to such tricks in order to preserve their dignity and force the offending husband to reconcile. Use any method convenient for you to make your husband jealous. At first he may not show it, but soon he will begin to become more interested in how his wife spends her leisure time. And this will be the first step towards full reconciliation after a quarrel.
What should you not do?
Feel sorry for yourself and cry, cherishing your loss. There is no need to make yourself a victim and consider your husband’s departure to be the end of the world. Try to calm down and not get depressed. The sages say: “When the first door closes, the second one will definitely open.” What you now consider a great misfortune may be the beginning of another relationship, much happier and more meaningful.
Give up and stop taking care of yourself. There is no need to give up, because after parting with your loved one, life goes on. The hairdresser, gym, beauty salon, solarium, swimming pool must be visited according to the previous schedule. Any activity that interests you will distract you from sad thoughts and help you forget your ex-husband.
Abandoned women often wonder why men leave their families. Here is the story of one of them. From her story it is clear what mistakes she made and, perhaps, after analyzing the situation, she will still be able to regain her husband and father to her children.
First, you need to try to look at the relationship in marriage from the outside, trying not to blame either yourself or him for anything. That is, as if from the position of an outsider. It is advisable to contact a good psychologist for this - it is difficult to be impartial in such a situation. We need to understand whether what happened was a pattern, or spontaneity caused by a surge of emotions? Perhaps the marriage has long since begun to crack at the seams, and we refused to admit it to ourselves?
It's sad, but this happens in many families. Well, everyone lived on their own, and no one even tried to change anything. If so, then everything is natural. Separation was bound to happen sooner or later as a natural stage of a relationship. A husband and wife need to understand how much they need each other. In this case, there is nothing left to do but simply wait, maintaining a good relationship with the faithful. Of course, he should know that his soul mate is yearning and waiting. Otherwise, he may decide that she doesn’t need him and won’t return, even if he himself goes crazy during the separation.
This is how it happens - a husband and wife live, live, and everything seems to be in order with them. He doesn’t wander around in other people’s beds (in any case, he wasn’t noticed by anyone in fornication), she is a pleasant woman in all respects. And then suddenly - bam, the husband up and left the family. Yesterday I was just lying on my side on the sofa, so cozy and familiar, but today I just went home, saying goodbye: “That’s enough, I’m tired, I’m leaving.” The apartment became empty, my soul was sad. And there is only one thought in my head - how to bring my husband home? Give him an ultimatum, throw a tantrum, try to pity him? What's the best way to do this?
What not to do if your husband leaves home
It must be said that husbands these days have become too wayward. Previously, they run around on a willow, prance, and again return to their native land. And now he bucked, disappeared, and remember his name. Sometimes he won’t even take an interest in the fate of the one with whom he promised to be close both in sorrow and in joy. No, it happens that a woman is even happy about this fact and is not at all going to do anything to bring her husband home. Relationships in families develop differently. If day after day there are only scandals, ugly scenes and even assault, you will only breathe a sigh of relief when the already hated beloved goes home. Well, what if not? If, despite sometimes serious disagreements and quarrels, a woman did not even think about breaking up with her husband, but it happened? Then for her this is a disaster that she simply does not have the strength to recognize as irreparable.
Actually, in many cases it is not. Husbands leave us for various reasons. Someone slams the door after an avalanche of mutual insults, someone packs their things because “I realized that I want to live alone” or even “I fell in love with another woman”, someone wants to prove their independence. One way or another, there is always a chance of a spouse returning under the family roof. You just need to use it wisely. Otherwise, the strong half who intends to exist separately can be lost forever.
What is the best thing to do for a wife who wants to return her husband to the family? First of all, you should calm down. In a rage or without realizing anything from internal pain, you can do such things - mom, don’t worry! If you look at it this way, no end of the world has happened yet. The beloved is still alive, marked in the passport as a legal spouse, which means we have the right to communicate with him. No, no, you don’t have to wave your passport when you meet and force the man to come to his senses! Or call a hundred times a day, begging for forgiveness and trying to pity them. He didn’t care about the stamp in his passport now – it could easily be removed if his wife behaved too aggressively. Prayers for forgiveness are not suitable for the reason that he will forgive, but then he will have to ask for forgiveness for everything a hundred times a month. But it’s not worth putting pressure on pity because instead of sympathy you can cause contempt and disdain.
You shouldn’t run around with your girlfriends looking for support and help. Firstly, each person has his own view of such a problem and his own methods of solving it. And what suits one often harms another. Secondly, it may happen that one of them takes advantage of the situation and begins to hunt for someone else’s husband. Moreover, he will tell him all sorts of nasty things about his wife being left alone. Well, thirdly, in our hearts we are able to tell about the faithful something that outsiders do not need to know. But what to do with this later, when the family is reunited again? So it’s better to be alone for now and try to figure out why your spouse left. And then make an action plan. It will depend on the reason for what happened, if it is clear, and on the situation before leaving, and on the character of the husband. Therefore, of course, the plan is individual for each case. However, there are some general rules.
Don't make new mistakes
There is always a chance for the husband to return to the family. The beloved is still marked in the passport as a legal spouse, and we have the right to communicate with him. There is no need to wave your passport at a meeting in an attempt to reason with him. Or constantly call, beg for forgiveness, try to pity them. The seal can be easily removed if the wife behaves too aggressively. And pleas, instead of sympathy, can cause contempt and neglect.
Running around your girlfriends in search of support and help is also not an option. Firstly, each person has his own view of problems. What suits one often harms another.
Secondly, one of the friends may start hunting for someone else’s husband. And he’ll also say nasty things about his wife. And we ourselves in our hearts are able to tell about the faithful what strangers do not need to know.
Try not to yell at your spouse or throw tantrums. Aggression is not the best companion in building relationships. All you will achieve with this behavior is to assure your husband that he did the right thing. Gain strength and courage to behave calmly in this situation.
There is no need to tearfully beg him to come back, do not humiliate yourself. He will feel sorry for you, but pity is not love. Make it clear that you are not one of those who is easily broken, that you are a strong and wise woman. This will at least earn your husband respect.
Do not blackmail him with children, an apartment or other common values. Men hate being pressured. Even if you force him to return, you will no longer have a normal life.
Don't ask him about your rival. He's in love. Foaming at the mouth, he will defend his mistress and remember all your sins. Don't torture yourself.
Don't try to take revenge on your husband by cheating. First of all, you won't feel better. Secondly, if your husband finds out about this, he will no longer want to return to you. Men take their own infidelities lightly, but women do not forgive them.
It’s better to be alone for now and figure out why your spouse left. And then make an action plan. It will also depend on the reason for the breakup, the situation in the family before leaving, and the character of the husband. Each case requires different actions, but there are general principles.
Rules to help bring your husband home
So, my husband hasn't come home for several days. At first it was believed that he would return in a couple of hours. Family is still not a pound of raisins! However, this did not happen after a couple of hours, nor after a day, nor after two. Moreover, it is known that he is fine - he did not go on a drinking binge, did not end up in the hospital, and did not disappear without a trace. Rage and resentment are replaced by bewilderment, fear and remorse. It is clear that the husband does not want to return. But this cannot be allowed! What is the best way to proceed?
First, you need to try to look at the relationship in marriage from the outside, trying not to blame either yourself or him for anything. That is, as if from the position of an outsider. It is advisable to contact a good psychologist for this - it is difficult to be impartial in such a situation. We need to understand whether what happened was a pattern, or spontaneity caused by a surge of emotions? Perhaps the marriage has long since begun to crack at the seams, and we refused to admit it to ourselves?
It's sad, but this happens in many families. Well, everyone lived on their own, and no one even tried to change anything. If so, then everything is natural. Separation was bound to happen sooner or later as a natural stage of a relationship. A husband and wife need to understand how much they need each other. In this case, there is nothing left to do but simply wait, maintaining a good relationship with the faithful. Of course, he should know that his soul mate is yearning and waiting. Otherwise, he may decide that she doesn’t need him and won’t return, even if he himself goes crazy during the separation.
It is likely that nothing of the kind happened, and the spouses lived in a single spiritual space. They discussed family problems together, argued, quarreled, reproached each other for something... The usual thing. There is no absolute harmony in relationships. Usually something ordinary, but the man used to get angry, he could remain silent or shout, but he did not leave. And now he left with his things. It turns out that the temperature of emotions has gone through the roof. Who is to blame for this is not important at the moment. It is important to keep your spouse from rash actions. In this state, he is capable of filing for divorce and diving into some lady’s house to let off steam and take revenge on his better half. Try and put everything back in place later. This means that you need to find your husband, treat him kindly, and apologize. Let him snort and pout some more at first, even if he’s a man for that. But on the other hand, he will begin to calm down and will not commit reckless acts.
After an argument, the husband slammed the door and left in an unknown direction. Naturally, such a situation causes an explosion of emotions, tears and indignation.
But what really happens when something like this happens in the minds of men?
To get your spouse back
Try to look at marriage relationships from the perspective of an outsider. It is advisable to consult a psychologist for this - it is difficult to be impartial in such a situation. It is necessary to understand whether what happened is a pattern or a spontaneous outburst of emotions.
Perhaps the marriage had been cracking at the seams for a long time, but we refused to admit it and did not try to do anything. If so, then everything is natural. Breakup would happen sooner or later as a natural stage of a relationship. The couple needs to understand how much they need each other. And then all that remains is to wait and maintain good relations.
If you still want to return your husband to the family, he should know that his other half is yearning and waiting. Otherwise, the spouse may decide that he is not needed. And not to return, even if he himself goes crazy in separation.
There are other possible reasons for the rupture. The couple lived as usual: they discussed family problems, argued, quarreled, and reproached each other for something. But before, the man was angry, he could remain silent or shout, but he did not leave.
It turns out that the intensity of emotions has become too strong. Who is to blame for this is not so important. It is necessary to keep a man from rash actions. In this state, he is capable of filing for divorce. Or start an affair to let off steam and get revenge. Then it won't be easy to get the relationship back. This means that you need to find your husband, treat him kindly, and apologize. Even if he gets angry at first, he will begin to calm down and will not commit reckless acts.
When family relationships collapse, it is especially important not to forget about the children. They suffer the most from the fact that dad is no longer around. Overcome your own weakness, become a support for them. But under no circumstances turn her against her husband. Children really need a father. Losing love and respect for him is too difficult a test for a child’s psyche. Let them see each other. In addition to taking care of the children, this is another point in our plan to bring my husband home.
During the breakup, try to become the same person you were before meeting him. After all, he was once madly in love with that woman. Take care of yourself, devote more time to caring for your appearance. Go visit your friends, visit the fitness center, update your wardrobe. You do all this for yourself, not for him. You just have free time to regain the chic that you had before you got bogged down in family life.
Be confident in yourself. When meeting with your husband, behave in such a way that he understands that he has offended you greatly, but do not act like a victim. Smile, talk calmly, but slightly aloof. Now he is probably expecting a violent reaction from you - accusations, screams and tears. Show that you have pride and live quietly without him.
During your life together, you probably have developed a common circle of friends and acquaintances. When your husband leaves, friends are divided into two camps: some are on your side, others are on your husband’s side. Don't lure mutual friends over to your side. Do not ask them for details of his personal life - this will become known to your husband and will only turn him away from you. Communicate with everyone as if nothing had happened. Avoid talking about the breakup - you will probably have other topics to discuss.
Make new acquaintances, surround yourself with interesting people. Go to the movies, theaters, and some events without it. Look for opportunities for entertainment, fill your life with new events. But you shouldn’t start romances yet. First, make sure that your husband cannot be returned. Or that there is no longer a need for his presence nearby.
Don't think about running around to fortune tellers and psychics. Their services are expensive and their services are questionable. As a result, in addition to an empty house, we will get an empty pocket.
The best tactic is to wait. If a man lives with another girl, he will not necessarily be better off with her than with you. The first romantic feelings will soon subside. They will be replaced by gray everyday life: dirty socks, tasteless dinner, each other’s unpleasant habits. You lived with him for a long time and probably learned to make his life comfortable. You know exactly what he likes for breakfast, how many suits to pack for his business trip, what medicine to give him for a runny nose. Your opponent does not have such advantages.
He is used to an established life, and building a new family means getting used to new rules. Not every man can survive such stress. So in most cases, husbands who leave their wives for their mistresses return home.
In any case, for a man to want to return, you need to talk to him. Calm, friendly, frank. If the spouse is too offended or enraged, he may not have such a conversation. There is no need to insist. Please try again after some time. The main thing is that he can at least listen without answering anything. And it is important for a woman to choose the right words. Let's say it will be a monologue, but the husband will remember it. He will comprehend everything, draw conclusions and, most likely, return to his family.
The return of a man is possible even after a divorce. The main condition, without which the further development of normal relationships is impossible, is forgiveness. Only if you sincerely forgive each other can your family exist. Omissions, insults and mutual reproaches are the first path to defeat.
Why do men tend to “escape” rather than resolve the conflict?
Let's try to figure it out. A quarrel with a loved one is always stressful. During stress, our body releases a number of hormones that have a noticeable effect: your heart beats wildly, you are overexcited and do not feel tired. This state is akin to that very acute stress when our ancestors were attacked by enemies or wild animals. How did they act then? That's right: they either ran away or started fighting without feeling tired or in pain. In fact, during a quarrel, husbands are also ready to either hit or run away. And it’s good that your man chooses the second option; I think he would like bruises even less.
The following signs indicate that this is an impulsive, hormonally determined variant:
The man is absent for no more than 5 hours. He must “let off steam”: drive a car, shout, do physical exercises (if you ask him later, he will tell you about it). After returning, he is ready to conduct a reasonable dialogue without “exaggerating” and without blackmailing his wife.
However, let's not forget that in addition to acute stress, men can also be in a state of chronic stress. Then, even a minor quarrel with your wife can provoke a violent reaction if the topic of the quarrel “touches a nerve.” For example, the same notorious “financial issue”. You are pregnant or your baby has already been born and you are on maternity leave. Money, of course, is not enough, but not critical. Little by little, you began to notice changes in the behavior of your betrothed, ask for the most necessary things - he gets irritated, starts screaming, and you answer; This is followed by broken dishes or a thrown pillow and the man “jumping out” of the apartment. But the whole point turns out to be that there is a total layoff at his job, and he simply cannot find a place for himself all month, for fear of leaving his family without a piece of bread.
He didn’t tell you about this “so you wouldn’t worry.” So much for “male logic”: you will worry about what might happen, but you won’t worry about the fact that your husband yelled and ran away!
The main signs that this is running away due to chronic stress or a serious problem:
“Explodes” because of a certain topic (money, housing, car) May be absent for a week After returning, ready to discuss the “sore spot”.
The main advice in these two cases is not to cut rashly.
Ask him to be honest about possible problems, promising not to worry later. And don’t really show your excitement, if anything. Call a spade a spade - you also added fuel to the fire. Start with yourself - drink valerian.
