Having probably lived most of my life filled with suffering and general misunderstanding, I have finally found peace of mind. Today, looking back, I realize with horror that all this time I had to balance on the brink of death and survival.
This story may seem like utter nonsense to many of you. However, I have long been accustomed to this attitude. But if my “confession” helps at least one person to find themselves, I will consider that I told it not in vain.
How it all started
I was born as a little boy in a distant mountain town 40 years ago. I was a long-awaited and very welcome child. My parents idolized me and refused me nothing.
My mother gave birth to me at the age of 37, after my father returned to his homeland from a hot spot in 1979. Dad was a combat officer with all the ensuing consequences: wounds, decorations, love of order and a strict disposition. He dreamed of raising me to be a real man who would proudly serve in the military, protecting the vast expanses of our vast country. Unfortunately, I did not live up to his hopes.
As a little boy, I was much more attracted to my mother’s beads and earrings than to my father’s orders and medals. I clearly remember that at the age of three and a half I enjoyed trying on her dresses and shoes. At first, my parents didn’t scold me for such pranks, considering them an ordinary child’s game that I would soon get tired of.
I remember how my father looked at me in confusion when I, dressed in my mother’s dress, entered the room where he was relaxing with his colleagues. No, he did not shout or swear - he was silent and did not move. For some reason I was very scared. I wanted to run away, but I got tangled in the hem of a long dress and fell. And dad, my beloved dad, didn’t help me get up.
For the first time I felt scared. I realized that something was wrong with me. A few days later I turned 6 years old. As a birthday present, I received a set of toy soldiers and a huge gray tank with a remote control. A month later, my father took me to a sports school for sambo.
From that day on, dress-up games were strictly taboo. One day I heard my parents quarreling because of my weirdness. Mom was crying, and dad was smoking and screaming. It was then that I realized what loneliness was.
The only outlet was my grandmother - she taught me to pray and ask for protection from the Almighty. I remember how frantically I asked God to turn me into a girl, how I squeezed a small icon in my hands, how tears rolled down my cheeks and fell on the pillow. Even then I realized that I was very different from my peers. I hated boyish hobbies and enjoyed playing with girls.
It is not surprising that such eccentricity backfired: the neighboring boys teased him with a “girl’s tail” and took pleasure in punching him. But the physical impacts did not bring much discomfort; after all, during training we were taught to endure pain and fight back against offenders. Much more suffering was caused by mental anguish.
Feed, rock, care for the baby
Breastfeeding a newborn girl in a dream means that in reality the woman has not yet had a chance to express her maternal instinct. Also, such a dream suggests that a woman is trying too hard to control her life and follow the rules. To dream of handing over a child to a wet nurse symbolizes shifting moral and financial obligations onto someone else's shoulders. In this situation, you may be the winner.
First attempt to die
I was like a small, hunted animal. No one around noticed what was happening to me. And my childhood knowledge was not enough to explain to adults that I was not a boy at all, that in fact, I was a fragile girl who found herself in a man’s body by someone’s evil will. The older I got, the more I hated this body.
At the age of 9, he decided to die. I wrote a farewell note to my parents, said a prayer, and began cutting the veins in my hands with a kitchen knife. Strange, but I felt neither pain nor fear, only an overwhelming desire to end this nightmare. For some reason, I was sure that after death I would definitely ascend to heaven in a female form. The cold blade slid, cut through the thin skin, droplets of scarlet blood flowed down in thin streams, and I waited for the transformation to begin.
Unfortunately, the transformation did not begin - my mother entered the room. This is how I first ended up in a psychiatric clinic. The treatment was long, painful and ineffective.
How to turn into a fairy in a second? Ritual at home!
This is the easiest way to become a sorceress at home. To do this, you need to stay alone in your room, close your eyes and say the magic words three times:
“The power of the fairy is now with me!”
At first you will not feel anything, but then every day amazing adventures will begin to happen to you. You should always remember that now you are special. Therefore, you will be able to feel people, their desires, dreams. You need to help people and animals so that your strength increases. If you don't do this, your magical abilities may disappear.
Self-hatred3
Puberty brought even greater suffering. The first erection caused such horror that it cannot be expressed in words. How I wanted to cut off this hated organ, how often I had dreams in which I cut it off with a sharp kitchen knife. In reality everything was different. Numerous psychotherapy sessions, after an unsuccessful suicide attempt, did their job - now I was afraid of harming myself with cutting objects.
But a solution was found - rubber bands. I tightened my penis with a hard black rubber band, hoping that sooner or later it would fall off. Naturally this didn't work. When I couldn’t bear the discomfort, the tourniquet had to be removed. But as soon as blood circulation was restored, the elastic returned to its usual place. Soon the pain became a constant companion. Thus, by switching to physical suffering, it was possible to at least partially drown out mental anguish.
However, it would not be entirely truthful to say that the school years consisted entirely of suffering; there were also happy moments. At one of these moments, after watching a film about Jesus, I decided to devote my life to God: I began attending Sunday school and going to services. I even planned to enter the theological seminary. At one time I even managed to control myself, but then everything returned to normal: hysterics, depression, apathy, aggression towards myself and others.
Give birth to a girl in a dream
A dream in which the dreamer was able to give birth to a girl or saw her newborn child promises spiritual renewal, new emotions and experiences.
This may mean a new step in life, the appearance of something long-awaited, the fulfillment of a dream, or a new hobby that will bring good income.
If you pass a newborn baby into the hands of another person in a dream, it means that news related to investments and finances is approaching. If you trust this person, the financial risks will be justified; if you do not know the person, you risk losing the amount invested in reality.
Adopting a girl in a dream means solving money problems or getting promoted at work.
God's punishment4
Sometimes, in order to relax, I put on a woman's suit and went like that to wander around the city at night. Such walks helped much more than therapy sessions, hormonal treatment and church attendance combined.
Unfortunately, it was not possible to keep the secret. Usually I got out of the house through the window, and returned in the same way. One day my father saw this. A very unpleasant dialogue took place between us. I slammed the door and left. In the morning, dad passed away. In the evening I ended up in a psychiatric clinic. They didn't let me go to the funeral. During the three months spent in the hospital, I managed to completely rethink my life.
On the first day after discharge, I put on a dress and went to the cemetery.
Well, hello, dad. It's me, your daughter Nadezhda. How I miss you. What a pity that we never talked. What a pity that you never got to know me. I love you dad. It really hurts me that I have become your biggest disappointment. Forgive me if you can.
After that, I left my hometown, never to return there again.
Why do you dream of a girl child - interpretation from dream books
Children who give positive emotions in a dream portend well-being in reality. The happier the dream, the more good news awaits you in reality.
A conversation with an unfamiliar girl in a dream foreshadows a new acquaintance in reality. If the girl is aggressive and angry, it will turn out to be unpleasant, despite the first positive impression.
Seeing a girl swimming in the water is an immediate need to take important steps and, perhaps, the beginning of decisive actions that will affect your life.
If you kick a girl out of the house in a dream, something will happen in life that will turn someone close to you away. If an unfamiliar girl appeared at your house and you did not kick her out, in reality you will have to make acquaintances with unpleasant people with whom you should not spoil relations - perhaps they will take revenge on you, or, on the contrary, they will be very useful in the future.
If a pregnant woman sees an unfamiliar little girl in a dream, the birth will be easy and successful. A girl dreamed of by a woman who wants but cannot get pregnant is good news.
Life from a new leaf5
I decided not to enter the theological seminary. I took the documents to a prestigious university in the capital, passed the entrance exams without any problems and was enrolled in the first year.
Living in a big city had many advantages. Now I could transform into Nadezhda at absolutely any time. I enjoyed putting on dresses, going shopping, visiting cozy cafes and looking at this world through a woman’s eyes.
If students from several faculties gathered at lectures, then I also came to the institute in the image of Nadya. Nobody recognized me, and I was immensely happy.
Soon I managed to get a job at a fashionable sports complex. For the first time I thought that the years spent at the sports school were not in vain. The salary, by my standards, was huge. The only drawback is that they accepted me as Maxim, and not as Nadezhda. But since I worked as a women's fitness instructor, this drawback was almost imperceptible. I interacted with so many beautiful, confident women every day. It was easy and comfortable. Some of the girls even struck up friendships.
No longer feeling strapped for money, I moved to a nice apartment, started going to beauty salons for hair removal and visiting a psychologist. The only thing I couldn’t do was tell my mother everything. No, I was not afraid of judgment or misunderstanding, I was afraid of repeating the scenario with my father.
The girl who did my depilation very soon became my best friend, and we still have warm and friendly relations. It was she who supported me in my desire to become a woman. She found a good psychotherapist, helped with passing the commission and with the purchase of testosterone blockers.
The price for “rebirth” is insanely high; my salary was often not enough to buy additional hormonal drugs. Therefore, the transition process was quite slow. In 2 years I managed to completely get rid of hair on my chest and stomach and form a neat bikini line. Surprisingly, my mammary glands began to take on distinct feminine shapes even without taking estrogen. It seemed that the Lord had heard my prayers.
See your own, someone else's baby
The interpretation of dreams varies depending on whether the dreamer dreamed about his own child. Dreaming about your daughter or a relative’s child means her prosperity and future success.
If the child is yours, but only according to a dream, good news awaits you in reality. Someone else's child in a dream can mean the need to make decisions that need to be approached with caution.
The end of my suffering6
I spent several weeks in the hospital, successfully passed the commission and received permission for a “gender reassignment” operation. Now I have new documents and a new life. All that remains is to tell my old mother about this...
Victoria Fomina
Expert
Doctor sexologist of the highest category, psychiatrist, psychotherapist. I have been working as a sexologist for more than 10 years. I help couples resolve problems in their sex life.
The topic of LGBT in modern society is very acute. There are still dozens of countries in the world where transgender people are categorically not accepted, and non-traditional sexual orientation is considered a criminal offense. Not everywhere people who consider themselves LGBT supporters have the opportunity to loudly express themselves. However, living not in your body, trying to change your sexual preferences and being like everyone else is also not an option. The bravest move to more progressive countries towards freedom and finally find freedom and peace. Others are ready to fight for the right to be who they are.
Message from the Editor
Words are the simplest and most accessible thing that you can “give” to your soulmate. Remember this when you become angry, resentful, jealous, or worried about your partner. And in order to avoid quarrels and insults, interact with each other. Almost any problem can be resolved in a few sentences. There is no need to reinvent the wheel and come up with some methods on how to return passion, harmony and love to a relationship. Just talk and discuss problems as they arise - this is a method that works in all areas of our lives. Love each other and never insult!
See a crying baby
A dream with a crying child does not always portend unpleasant things. According to the interpretation from Robinson’s dream book, prospects will appear in your life, the achievement of which will not be easy for you. Also, such a dream often foreshadows an incipient illness, which can be stopped by starting the necessary treatment in time. In an additional interpretation, a girl in tears means that a bright streak in life will be overshadowed by minor troubles.
If in a dream you began to calm a crying baby, then in reality people will appear who will turn to you for help. You will have to provide it to your own detriment. If you can’t calm your child down in a dream, get ready for insoluble problems in life.
Angry or sad
A calm, sad girl who comes to you in a dream means that it is time to go on vacation or take a few days off and be alone. You are overloaded with work and need to go back to your childhood for a while and have fun.
In addition, a dream with a sad girl often foreshadows disappointment awaiting you. If you manage to cheer her up in a dream, the disappointment will be small and will be smoothed out by other favorable events.
Seeing a teenage girl crying in a dream means you hurt someone with your words and even if you didn’t notice it. You need to be careful.
Happy and smiling girl
A female child smiling in a dream, evoking positive emotions, dreams of a favorable period in life.
However, if a girl smiles at you when the rest of the dream is negative, this symbolizes betrayal and flattery from people who wish you harm. If a child stops smiling or starts crying, then joyful events in life will turn into unexpected sadness.
Interpretation of dreams depending on the gender of the dreamer
Enough has already been said about why a woman dreams of a girl, but such a dream can also appear to a man. How to interpret it?
A little girl who appears in a dream can “talk” about various events in real life. And in order to correctly interpret the vision, it would be good to remember as many nuances as possible. But if, when you wake up, you do not feel anxious, and the night guest does not cause you any fear, do not expect sad news - such a dream, as they say, is in your favor.
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