PREFACE
Several years ago I came across a book called “A Cow Can’t Live in Los Angeles.” It was about a Mexican who taught his relatives how to live in America. “Look,” he said, “Americans are the most wonderful people, but there is one point that really hurts them. You shouldn't tell them they're dead."
I don't just agree with this Mexican. I believe that this is an extremely accurate description of the “disease” of modern man. Our man is dead; he is a doll, and his behavior is indeed very similar to the behavior of a corpse, which “allows” those around him to do whatever they want to him, although he himself, by his very presence, influences them in a certain way.
Modern man is deliberate and deliberate, and has great difficulty with emotions. He is reliable at work, but lacks living desires, desires, and aspirations. His life is extremely boring, empty and meaningless. He is busy controlling and manipulating those around him, and at the same time he is securely caught in the network of his own and others’ manipulations.
This book gives a brilliant description of us, today's people, endlessly playing some roles, as a rule, false ones, which prevent us from being and living. Modern man will foam at the mouth and deny that he is dead and false; and the more ardor he shows at the same time, the more accurate our diagnosis of his lifetime death will be.
The author of this book offers you a number of methods for your own resuscitation. “So what if you were dead? - he thinks. “So come to life, pull yourself out by your hair from the grave into which you pushed yourself.”
I am confident that the movement from manipulation to actualization described in this book will help you get your life back. In essence, this process is a movement from illness to health. And, who knows, maybe if each of us wants to go down this path, if each of us wants to recover, that is, to turn from a soulless manipulator into a living, real, creative actualizer, maybe then our entire society will be able to recover from its diseases.
Forward! And - may hope help us!
The first step we must take on the path to salvation is to become aware of our manipulations. But not as a merciless judgment on oneself, but as material that should be remade. A person cannot become an actualizer without hoping that it is possible.
Unfortunately, such hope has been abandoned in modern psychiatry and psychology, making the treatment process more difficult. Today, most psychotherapists cannot unambiguously define a patient as “sick” or “healthy”. The easiest way is to label others as psychotic or neurotic; It is much more difficult to treat the patient as an INDIVIDUAL who has many problems in life and who resorts to manipulative behavior for self-defense. A psychotherapist who is responsible for his work must teach the patient to defend himself in other, more humane and more effective ways. If modern man is not mentally ill, then what is wrong with him?
According to William Glasser's theory, man is “irresponsible” and has a great need to “impose responsibility on others. According to Eric Berne's theory, modern man “plays games.”
Albert Ellis assures us that man is “a person acting on illogical assumptions.”
According to Everett Shostrom, a person is a manipulator, that is, a dysfunctional person who seeks to control himself and those around him, and treats people as things and is not aware of his falsity and lifelessness. That is why a person needs psychotherapeutic help that is understandable to him and the benefits of which are obvious to him.
I think Everett Sjostrom
offers you just such help.
Frederick S. PERLS,
Isaoen Institute,
Beat Shur,
California.
FOREWORD BY THE AUTHOR
Modern man is a manipulator, no matter who he is - whether he is a car salesman persuading us to make a purchase; whether the father of a fifteen-year-old son, confident that he, and only he, knows what career his son should pursue; whether it's a teenager working adults for $200 hours, or a husband hiding his salary from his wife... Manipulators are legion. In each of us there lives a manipulator who endlessly uses all sorts of false tricks in order to achieve this or that good for himself.
Of course, not all manipulation is evil. Some manipulative steps are necessary for a person in his struggle for existence. But most of our manipulations have a very detrimental effect on both the lives of the manipulators themselves and the lives of their loved ones. Manipulation is harmful because it masks the illness of a particular human personality.
The tragedy of our lives is that modern man, as a result of his endless manipulation, has lost every opportunity to express himself directly and creatively and has reduced himself to the level of a preoccupied automaton who spends all his time trying to hold on to the past and insure the future. Yes, he often talks about his feelings, but rarely experiences them. He loves to talk about his worries, but he cannot honestly face them and try to get rid of them.
Modern man gropes through life, using a whole arsenal of blind masks and evasive statements, and has no idea how rich and colorful the real world is.
Since every person is a manipulator to some extent, modern humanistic psychology suggests that from all manipulations we can develop a positive potential, which Abraham Maslow and Kurt Goldstein call “self-actualization.”
An actualizer is the opposite of a manipulator. There are no actualizers in their pure form, but the more natural a person is, the more sincere his feelings,
the closer it is to ideal.
Each of us is part manipulator, part actualizer. That is, in each of us there is a certain sincere beginning that allows us to trust our feelings, know our needs and preferences, rejoice at the real enemy, offer the necessary help when necessary and not be afraid to show our aggression.
But we also have a manipulative side that forces us to hide and camouflage our feelings. The range of behaviors of the average person is enormous - from arrogant hostility to obsequious flattery. All this, replacement, takes a lot of effort - exactly as much as it takes for the most lost manipulator to “transform” into an actualizer, that is, to breathe life deeply and become a full-blooded person. How to do it? This is exactly what my book is about.
I dreamed of writing it for a long time and finally decided to do this work after reading Erich Fromm’s article “Man is not a thing” in Saturday Review of March 16, 1957, where Fromm warns that with today’s market-oriented society, consumer knowledge and manipulation it becomes the paramount task of the moment. From market manipulation, Fromm wrote, the desire to manipulate one’s employees logically follows. This second most important field of psychology is called “human relations,” from which it is only one step to the psychology of leaders, when everyone has to be manipulated, as in politics.
This book should help you see manipulation in your own life and learn how to deal with it. If you learn to accurately describe yourself, if you can become a psychotherapist for yourself, if you can accurately diagnose yourself and your loved ones, we have won, and I congratulate you and myself. Yes, I want to give you some guidelines based on my many years of psychotherapeutic experience. But the main thing in curing depression, neuroses, psychoses that most people suffer from is in your hands.
Surely you will recognize yourself, your family and friends on the pages of this book. Don't laugh and don't be sad. Become a better person - it is possible. And - most importantly! - don’t betray yourself. Be patriotic of your own personality.
Everett
L. SHOSTROM.
Main types of manipulators:
1. Dictator
demonstrates his strength.
He dominates, controls, gives orders, refers to authorities and does everything to lead his victim. Varieties of the Dictator can be Mother Superior, Father Superior, Despot, Boss, Lesser Gods. 2. The Slobber
usually acts as a victim of the Dictator and represents his polarity.
The Slobber has developed and developed a brilliant skill in dealing with the Dictator. He shows everyone his sensitivity. He forgets, does not hear, he is passive and silent. Its varieties can be Suspicious, Impenetrable Stupid, Yielding, Shy, On Your Own Mind. 3. The calculator
strives to control and manage everything and everyone at all costs.
He misleads, deceives, tries to outwit, deceive and deceive, fooling people. In this way he exercises his control over them. Varieties of the Calculator include the Persistent Seller, the Seducer, the Poker Player, the Fraudster, the Blackmailer, and the Reasoner. 4. Stuck
is the opposite of the Calculator.
He emphasizes his own dependence. He wants to be led, seeks care, and is willing to be fooled. He allows others to do his work for him. Sticky manifests itself in the role of Parasite, Whiner, Eternal Child, Hypochondriac, Demanding Attention, Helpless. 5. A bully
displays aggression, cruelty, and unkindness.
He controls those around him using various kinds of threats. Here are his incarnations: Humiliating, Hating, Cutthroat and Threatening. Female images of the Badass can be represented as the Bitch or the Grumpy Woman. 6. A nice guy
shows others how caring, loving, and warm he is.
He simply kills with his kindness. In some ways, he's much harder to deal with than the Bully, because you can't attack the Nice Guy! And what's especially interesting is that in any confrontation or conflict with a Bully, the Nice Guy almost always wins. He appears before us in the images of the Pleaser, the Opponent of Violence, the Good Guy, the Non-Interfering, the Virtuous, the One-Who-Never-Asks-What-You-Want, the Man-Organizer. 7. The judge
constantly emphasizes his criticality, which often develops into skepticism or criticism.
He doesn't trust anyone; he is inclined to judge others, is touchy and vindictive. Varieties of this type are Know-It-All, Slander, Connoisseur, Collector of Grievances, Obliger, Shamer, Comparer, Demander and Condemner. 8. The Defender
is the opposite of the Judge. He expresses support and does not find fault with shortcomings. He spoils those around him with his excessive empathy and his unwillingness to give them the opportunity to fend for themselves and defend themselves. Instead of taking care of his own needs, he plunges headlong into the needs of those around him, over whom he establishes lifelong guardianship. He can act in such roles as Mother Hen, Lawyer, Concerned-for-Others, Fear-for-Others, Sufferer-For-Others, Martyr, Helper, Altruist.
Main groups of manipulators:
1. Active manipulator
who tries to exercise control over others using active methods.
He avoids facing his own helplessness and weakness by taking on the role of an all-powerful, strong person in relationships with others. Usually he does this through his status position or rank, for example: parent, elder, teacher or boss. He plays top dog and gets satisfaction from taking advantage of the helplessness and weakness of others, using this to gain control over them. He uses techniques for turning others into his own debtors, cultivating their expectations of himself, proclaiming himself an authority, manipulating them like puppets. 2. Passive manipulator
, which is the opposite of active.
One day he decides that since he is unable to control his life, he cedes the opportunity to control himself to an active manipulator. He demonstrates his helplessness, weakness and stupidity in all matters, willingly taking the place of the “bottom dog”. And while the active manipulator achieves his goal by winning, the passive manipulator achieves his goal by losing, no matter how paradoxical it may sound. By allowing the active manipulator to think for him, make decisions for him and do his work for him, the passive manipulator bypasses in his “profits” the one who actually did everything, that is, the active manipulator. Thus, with the help of his “passivity” and “impenetrable stupidity”, he finds himself on top of the “top dog”. 3. Competitive manipulator.
He perceives life as an endless game of victory and defeat, in which he is assigned the role of a vigilant fighter.
Life for him is a battlefield, and those around him are competitors or enemies, real or potential. All people are considered by him as “hound dogs” over a life-long distance. This type of manipulator is a kind of intermediate option between the “top dog” and the “bottom dog” and, using the methods of both, essentially combines an active and passive manipulator. 4. Indifferent manipulator.
A manipulator of this type, when in contact with other people, pretends that meetings with them are devoid of any meaning for him, that he is indifferent to them and, in general, that he avoids them. His favorite phrase: “I don’t give a damn.” He treats another person as if he does not exist at all - as if he were a puppet, incapable of changing and developing. He, like the third type of manipulator, uses both active and passive methods, playing the role of either a Grumpy Woman, or a Bitch, or a Martyr, or even a Helpless One. His main secret is that he certainly doesn't give a damn and is not going to give up at all, otherwise he wouldn't continue to play his manipulative games. Husbands and wives often play this game with each other. One treats the other as a puppet, not noticing how indifference gives rise to this dead “puppet” in him. Such a system turns out to be destructive for its owner, because it gradually and imperceptibly corrodes him from the inside. A game called “Threat of Divorce” is a good example of how a manipulator, hoping in his heart to keep or return his partner, actually moves further and further away from him.
A person’s lifestyle implies the presence of four distinctive qualities:
Manipulator 1. Deception (falsehood, trickery).
The manipulator achieves his goal using a variety of tricks, tricks and techniques.
He does comedy, plays roles to create an impression. He expresses only consciously selected feelings in accordance with the situation. 2. Unawareness (lifelessness, boredom).
The manipulator is not aware of the truly important interests in life.
He has “tunnel vision”, he sees only what he wants to see and hears only what he wants to hear. 3. Control (closedness, intentionality).
The manipulator plays life like chess.
And although he appears relaxed, he is actually in control of himself and the situation, hiding his true motives from the “enemy.” 4. Cynicism (distrust).
The manipulator lacks basic trust in himself and other people. Deep down, he doesn't believe in human nature itself. He views relationships with people only from the point of view of control. He sees in them the only alternative: either you control, or they control you.
Actualizer
1. Honesty (frankness, sincerity, authenticity).
The Actualizer is able to be honest about his feelings, whatever they may be.
He is characterized by sincerity and expressiveness, he can genuinely be himself. 2. Awareness (reactivity, liveliness, interest).
The actualizer sees and hears everything that concerns him and others.
He is quite consciously interested in nature, art, music and other aspects of life. 3. Freedom (spontaneity, openness).
The actualizer is spontaneous.
He is completely free to be himself and realize his own potential. He is the master of his life, its subject, and not an object of influence or a puppet in someone else's hands. 4. Trust (faith).
The actualizer has basic trust in himself and in people and is ready to build his relationships with them and with the world from the position of “here and now.”
A manipulator who is unable to express the basic contact emotions - anger, fear, resentment, trust and love - resorts to other blocked or incomplete emotions: concern, despondency, indignation, shyness, embarrassment and shame.
State of despondency
can last indefinitely if you do not give it a way out through deep resentment or tears.
Worry
is like a gnawing feeling of hunger.
The preoccupied person does not take any meaningful action, but simply suppresses his aggression and waits passively. Outrage
is another incomplete emotion.
In truth, this is nothing more than defective, inorganic and secretive anger expressed. Like any unexpressed emotion, the power of which is directed inside the person himself, outrage results in depression. Shyness
is a tendency to make contact combined with a simultaneous desire to hide from it.
The emotions of embarrassment and shame,
for obvious reasons, were defined by Perls as “treacherous emotions” /9/. Like the Norwegian who helped the Nazis to the detriment of his compatriots, these emotions “clog” your own body instead of helping it. As traitors, they are identified with the enemy and blocked through suppression. In this regard, it is appropriate to consider the five basic contact emotions that we have already mentioned above:
1. Anger.
Your breathing and heart rate increase, your muscles begin to contract, your whole body tenses and you really feel hot.
For most people, when they are angry, the blood rushes to their face and makes them blush. It doesn't matter if it's a verbal or physical altercation, or even a small episode of aggressive behavior - our body has to do something. In such a situation, the worst thing we can do is suppress this outburst. 2. Fear.
Your mouth becomes dry, you feel chills, and your palms become moist.
If you shake hands with someone who is in a state of fear, you will immediately feel that it is cold and wet. 3. Resentment.
When you really feel hurt, you withdraw and turn into a child seeking protection from its mother.
One of the symptoms we are aware of is tears. For many reasons, women are not at all afraid to reveal their feelings in this way, whereas men in our culture never allow themselves to do so. 4. Trust.
This is the fourth fundamental feeling, experienced as openness.
When you trust someone, you can tell them: “I am here and I trust you. Do whatever you want with me." The opposite feeling of mistrust is a feeling of lack of freedom, an inability to be oneself in the presence of others. 5. Love
is the golden key that opens the way for us to the creative use of all other feelings.
Patterns of pretense of manipulators
1. Substitution of one feeling for another.
Many of us have expressed anger when we were actually feeling hurt.
We did this because anger is a more predictable emotion. We know what will happen after we get angry: the other party will likely get angry too, and we are prepared for that. 2. Emotional carousel.
Sometimes we experience so many different feelings at the same time that we do not express any of them adequately enough for another person to understand us.
Instead, we only create confusion around us. 3. Experiencing feelings based on the principle of delayed reactions.
You've probably met people who, as they say, “get it like a giraffe.”
They may tell you, “You know, I was really angry with you last week.” 4. Feigning ignorance
that someone has some normal feelings.
Many of us have probably met someone who boasts, “My wife and I have a great marriage—we never argue.” 5. Identifying our feelings with facts.
We say to someone: “You are a fool!”
This is not a fact at all, since you did not actually measure his intelligence. 6. Experiencing feelings while
“holding the doorknob.” Such a person allows his true feelings to come out, but is ready to run away the minute someone reacts back. Fearing how other people will react to his feelings, he runs away from them.
Types of child manipulators
1. "Freddy the Fox"
I started my journey through life crying and for the first six months I did nothing but practice this.
Tears, he discovered, provide him with attention. He had not even begun to think or reason, and, imagine, he already had a rash on his skin that allowed him to attract loving care. He encountered no real resistance to his desires until he went out into the world and mixed with other children at school. But then he already had an unconscious belief that he possessed a secret weapon. He turns into a Little Calculator. As soon as he feels that the lesson is too difficult or the teacher is too demanding, he immediately gets a “sick feeling” in his stomach, which allows him to go home. If he doesn't want to get dressed for school, his mother dresses him. At school he gets more attention than everyone else because the teacher feels sorry for him. Without a doubt, he is a master at extracting pity from people. Even the other kids buy into his “pain” when playing catch. Be that as it may, “pain” occurs whenever it can benefit him. He understood the advantages of Slutty and Sticky. 2. “Tom Cool,”
on the other hand, has a correspondingly tough temperament.
He pushes, hits other children, spits at them. His vocabulary would scare any football player. He loves pistols and knives. Very early on, he understands that hatred and fear together can control people, even adults. He becomes Little Badass. He especially hates authority, be it parental or teacher. He looks arrogant and absolutely confident in himself, running into everyone. It seems that there is some kind of hearing aid in his head that turns off just at the moment when teachers or parents open their mouths. 3. “Competitive Carl”
is sort of a combination of Tom and Freddy. The youngest of three sons, he learns early to fight and compete for any reason. Since school is essentially a constant competition, it becomes his favorite pastime. He looks at his parents, brothers and other children as “rivals.” The desire to win and be the best becomes more important than the study itself. Then his competitiveness begins to hurt him, he gets top marks, but along with insomnia. Other capable classmates are a constant source of fear for him.
The following principles can help implement a feeling-centered disciplinary approach:
1. Separate feelings and actions. Do not judge the child himself, even if it is necessary to condemn his misconduct. Separating the child from his actions allows the parent to accept him from a place of genuine friendship. In this case, the child understands that he himself is perceived positively, but his behavior is unacceptable and needs to be changed. Actions are the result of feelings (rejection and/or hostility). In order to change actions, you must first become aware of your feelings and work with them. 2. Examine the child for the presence of neurosis to determine who you are dealing with. In a child with disabilities, misbehavior may represent a symptom of deeper emotional disturbances, perhaps caused by criticism, rejection, blame, or punishment. In this case, collection may worsen his already bad situation. 3. Be positive about your child's feelings and respond to them. Help him let off steam or act out hostile feelings if he tries to suppress them. 4. If punishment is necessary, allow the child to figure out for himself what punishment for his offense would be fair. Experience shows that a child often proposes a more severe punishment for himself than any adult would use. 5. If it is necessary to apply punishment, make sure that the child clearly understands that it was his offense that led to this. Help him understand that there are established rules to regulate behavior in society, and they must be obeyed in the same way as rules are obeyed when playing basketball. 6. When working with your child on discipline, consider it not as his personal problem, but as a family problem. Try to separate it from both yourself and your child so that you have the opportunity to look at it from the outside, study it objectively and work on it together. When a child learns that a problem can be approached with detachment, the disciplinary situation will not appear to him as an interpersonal conflict. 7. Restrictions must be placed on dangerous and destructive behavior. Allow your child to express feelings, then help redirect them in a more acceptable direction. This is the basic formula for a dynamic approach to discipline.
Actualizing Parents Bill of Rights
1. Cooperate with us; act in accordance with your age and do not try to look younger than you really are, portraying a helpless and stupid child. Let us feel that we can grow with you and that we can count on you to stop depending on us over time. 2. Remember that serious parenting means serious business. Maybe when you say no you need to assert your independence, but we have our limits. 3. We are trying to parent without any prior training, and we need you to learn responsibility—to become responsible! 4. We try to use the word “should” as little as possible, but remember that your task is to increase the number of “want” for this. 5. The most constant quality of adults is their impermanence, because we are prone to making mistakes. Take it. 6. We would like to hear how much you appreciate our care for you. Don’t forget to say “thank you”, we really appreciate it! 7. Follow our rules at least sometimes, even if you don’t understand them. As adults, we really do know more than you sometimes. 8. Don't always expect an answer from us. Understanding the question is much more important than knowing the answer. 9. Remember that we would like you to take part in our affairs. Adults aren't always boring, so maybe you'll like something. 10. Love us even when you are sure that we are wrong. Being a parent does not mean being God. Even when you demand omnipotence, we remain just humans. 11. Examples from our lives may not always be suitable for yours. Don’t repeat everything after us, approach life creatively and be yourself. 12. Communicate with us as equals. Parents are not slaves to their children, we also need justice. 13. We also sometimes want to relax and have fun. Respect our friends as we respect yours. What we do may seem stupid to you, but we have the right to do it. 14. Our house belongs to all of us. Things are not as important as people, but try to respect those that are valuable to someone. 15. We want you to be a junior partner in our family firm. But don't treat us like pensioners. We still play an active role in the company 16. Make decisions wisely and we will love you, despite our knowledge that these decisions will not always be wise. 16. Parents also grow and develop. In a few years we will be smarter than we are now. So let's act together, not alone! PS We love you!
Love has several forms. Let's look at how each can be used in a marriage.
1. Attachment.
It is the selfless care or affection that parents feel for their child.
The danger here is that sometimes parents begin to feel that they “own” their child, and then the attachment turns into a sense of ownership. The same principle works in marriage. One partner in a marriage is never the owner of the other. This can even be seen in the changes that have occurred in the wording of marriage vows. Previously, their requirements for their spouses were that they “love and obey,” but now they demand that they “love and care.” In actualizing marital relations, spouses understand and appreciate the “you” of the other, which eliminates the manipulative attitude towards the other as a thing or as an “it”. If the attachment is manipulative, then the husband considers himself the owner of his wife, so during parties he is not even able to allow her to somehow communicate with other men. 2. Friendship.
Friendship is love on equal terms, so it is based on recognizing the talents and merits of the other.
However, friendships can become manipulative and we then begin to “exploit” or use the other person rather than simply value them. An example of a manipulative friendship is a situation where one person, sometimes without even realizing what he is doing, constantly asks the other for services that take up a lot of his time and effort. In true friendship, you should value the other's time and respect his personality. 3. Eros.
Eros is romantic love, which consists of intrusive attention, jealousy, exaltation of the object of love and sexual attraction to him.
Romantic, sexual love easily turns into manipulative, and then we call it “seduction.” It involves physical use of the partner’s body, excluding concern for his personality. An example of seduction (or betrayal in marriage) is a situation when a husband, physically using his wife, is not at all interested in her feelings. 4. Empathy.
It is a selfless, altruistic form of love that involves deep concern for the other person as a unique individual.
Empathy is sometimes called mercy or compassion. When we empathize in a manipulative style, we use our own or others' feelings for the sake of control, and not at all for understanding. For example, we can guess that the spouse just punished the child in order to gain the upper hand over him in an argument, and now he felt guilty for it. Instead of accepting his guilt and sympathizing with him by saying something like, “I know you feel bad right now,” we can use our guess about his true feelings and reinforce them by saying, “You really were stupid.” 5. Self-love.
It is the ability to accept both your strengths and weaknesses. Self-love becomes manipulative when a person treats himself as an object or a thing, rather than as a being worthy of respect. If we are talking about sex, then this is prostitution, selling your body without any respect for it. Allowing others to use you is also a form of prostitution. In a marriage, for example, one of the spouses can be said to be engaged in prostitution when he allows the other to use his abilities without any restrictions. Loving yourself means valuing your boundaries and saying “no” when you don’t have the ability to give freely.
We usually think of anger and hatred as the irreconcilable antagonists of love.
1. Hostility.
Hostility is negative and destructive.
This is not a feeling, but an attitude that does not allow you to establish contact with another person. In marriage, hostility is expressed through dark looks, silence, or sarcasm. This is hardly conducive to normal contact. 2. Anger.
Anger is a very valuable feeling and a good method of establishing contact.
Perls once said that anger is a feeling of sympathy. It brings people together because it is linked to caring. The purpose of anger is not to destroy contact, but to break down the barriers that prevent contact. To experience anger at times means to love and seek contact with another person. Without irritation, love stagnates and loses contact. For example: “I get angry when you don’t talk,” says the husband in a moment of love revelation. 3. Outrage.
It is a hostile demand from another person to feel guilty.
For example: “I don’t understand why when I get home dinner is still not ready.” Or, “If you really loved me, you wouldn’t go golfing every weekend without me.” 4. Wine.
Guilt is usually defined as a negative feeling towards oneself for some wrong action.
Paradoxically, the more righteous feelings a person has, the more often and more strongly he experiences feelings of guilt. The more aware you are of wrong, the more ways you will know to do wrong. The resentment underlying guilt is about “not doing,” not “doing.” What is outrageous is that others can do something that a righteous person cannot do. Perls believes that ninety percent of guilt is essentially just resentment directed at others, that is, false guilt. Of course, guilt can also be true. When a person actually accepts responsibility for certain undesirable consequences, he truly experiences a feeling of guilt. And yet, in most cases, guilt expresses the following thought: “I shouldn’t have done that,” which should be translated: “You shouldn’t have done that.” "I just. I'm sorry I didn't do it," which means, "I'm angry that you didn't do it." Let's illustrate: “I hate myself when I do this” (guilt). If we translate guilt into hostility, we get: “I’m outraged that you can do this and I can’t.” Another translation of this is: “I resent you when you do something like this.” Thus, we can conclude that in most cases, guilt is actually hostility and pretense, and that expressing guilt is often an indirect attempt to criticize others. Therefore, expressions of guilt can be seen as manipulation, directing hostility inward when it should be directed outward. 5. Resentment.
Perls believes that ninety percent of resentment is revenge.
Thus, when we hear: “I was offended,” this often means that the person is not experiencing resentment, but a desire for revenge. The wife who says that she is offended by her husband because he forgot about the anniversary is not actually offended, but is angry with him for his forgetfulness. But this does not mean that resentment always covers up the desire for revenge. Sometimes we are really offended, so we feel sad, but still we should take a closer look at our grievances for revenge. When a wife says, “I’m so upset that you’re not interested in my relatives,” she most likely means, “I’m sad because you don’t like my relatives.” A marriage relationship in which there are no hard feelings is a mutually protected society, or a hothouse relationship. Resentment is a necessary element of any healthy relationship. As we said earlier, the deepest trust that is established between husband and wife is that one person is able to accept the sensual expressions of the other. If we could get rid of the need to gain the upper hand in family conflicts, then these conflicts would become fertile ground for the right decisions. When a loved one dies, it is very important to experience the pain of loss, grieve and grieve in order to say goodbye to unfulfilled desires and unrealistic hopes. The end of grief means the emergence of new interests. Moreover, emotional pain and resentment, if expressed and fully experienced, strengthens a person and contributes to his further growth. Marriage is not and should not be a mutually protected society. Resentment, of course, brings you to tears, but it must still be expressed like any other feeling, although it often causes a response from the attack of the “offender.” We must understand that a retaliatory attack is only possible when the offense is deep. This understanding is especially important. Here's an example: Wife. My patience is running out - you don't give me enough money to run the house. Husband. In my opinion, there is more resentment in your voice than anger. Wife. Yes, I am very upset that I cannot dress decently. From this example it is clear how important it is to be able to discern offense in the speaker’s voice, while he himself only wanted to express his indignation. 6. Hatred.
Hatred is frozen hostility.
Hatred is self-destructive. It requires large energy costs, which means it is not economically profitable. Hatred must be turned into contact anger. Unexpressed hatred can cause illness. 7. Criticality.
Criticism is negativism, which may or may not be accompanied by feelings.
Psychologically, she may be cowardly because emotions are not released. In this case, criticism is manipulative, since the attack on the other person is made in an irritating manner, without the participation of any emotions. Criticism, expressed with feelings, creates contact, but if it is deprived of them, it only causes indignation in the person being criticized. In a marriage, criticism can manifest itself in a manner that we define as “the wife nagging her husband” - that is, she finds fault with him over all sorts of little things, without understanding what really irritates her. In most cases, this is a form of substitution. To avoid this kind of criticism, it is recommended to translate it into sincere anger, which, in turn, will restore contact. For example, a wife says to her husband: “You came home late again. Dinner is also late. Jimmy has been bad all day. And would you look at the washing machine? I think she's acting up again." If you look closely at what she said, you can guess that her words indicate genuine anger: “I'm still angry at you for not taking me to the party last week!” 8. Care.
Both physical withdrawal from contact is possible - the person proudly moves away, pouting his lips, or silent self-withdrawal.
As we said earlier, long-term avoidance of contact can be useful, but very often, withdrawing from contact in the midst of family conflict is a way of controlling and preventing the situation from being resolved. Quarrels should not end with premature departure, such as when a husband leaves home at the peak of a conflict with the words: “I can’t talk to you anymore.” The situation remains unfinished and both sides remain frustrated. 9. Indifference.
By indifference we mean the absence of any feelings towards someone - both negative and positive. The situation of indifference is very serious and most destructive for family relationships, because indifference means a lack of participation and care for the partner. While hostility, hatred, or especially anger are experienced towards him, the relationship is still alive. They die when only indifference remains.
Destructive fighting styles
1. Premature apology. 2. The dispute is not taken seriously. 3. Suspension; avoiding head-to-head confrontation; leaving home; falling asleep; silence. 4. Using intimate knowledge about a partner as a “low blow”, an insult. 5. Chain reaction: using unrelated issues to intensify the attack. 6. Pseudo-agreement: the individual pretends to agree with the point of view of his opponent for the sake of reconciliation, but in fact his doubts only multiply, in secret he is offended, outraged and remains at his own opinion. 7. Indirect attack (against another person, idea, activity, value or object - something that the opponent loves) - a ricochet strike. 8. Misrepresentation: giving reasons for expectations, but no attempt is made to meet them; reproaches instead of gratitude. 9. “Character Analysis”: explaining the feelings of another. 10. Demanding more: What you receive is never enough. 11. Concealment: affection, approval, recognition, material values, privileges are hidden - everything that could bring pleasure and make life easier for the partner. 12. Undermining: intentionally exaggerating emotional instability, anxiety, or depression; holding a partner in a critical position; threat of misfortune. 13. Betrayal: not only is no attempt made to protect the partner, but attacks on him by other people are also supported.
Constructive fighting styles
1. Special time is allocated for quarrels in order to avoid unnecessary worries for uninitiated observers. Enough time is given to understand feelings. 2. Each opponent fully expresses his positive feelings. 3. Each opponent fully expresses his negative feelings. 4. Both repeat the opponent's arguments to show that each is correctly understood. 5. “Feedback” is established to find out how opponents evaluate each other’s behavior. This means discussing ratings before accepting or rejecting them. 6. The subject of the dispute is clearly defined. 7. There are coincidences and divergences in the positions of both opponents. 8. Each opponent determines his areas of vulnerability. 9. Opponents determine how much each of them values their position in the dispute. This helps them decide how much each is capable of giving in. 10. Correct criticism of behavior is offered - this means that both make positive adjustments for mutual change for the better. 11. It is decided how opponents can help each other in solving the problem. 12. Spontaneous outbursts for no reason are welcomed and time is given for them to exhaust themselves - and no pretense! 13. If possible, a score is kept based on the results of the struggle by comparing the number of new acquisitions and grievances. The winner is the one who gained more than he was offended. 14. Truce days are appointed when any disputes and quarrels are prohibited. This allows you to achieve mastery in the art of reconciliation and enjoy its fruits - warm physical contact, good sex, etc. 15. Partners are ready for the next quarrel. Marital quarrels are more or less long-lasting, and, paradoxically, if they are expected and tolerated, they become less vicious, take less time, do not cause deep resentment, and partners get more out of them
PART ONE: MANIPULators ARE NOT BORN
Chapter 1. PROBLEM
The modern manipulator does not stand still - it develops and is constantly improved. He also strives to understand the secrets of human nature, but with one single goal - to better control those around him. Look: a husband, for example, has greatly succeeded in getting to know his wife. And what? Do you think he will use this knowledge for good? Most likely no. He needs them in order to control his wife, to keep her on a leash and to insure himself against any unexpected actions of hers.
Is this game of cat and mouse with your own wife still enjoyable? Not at all. On the contrary, she exhausts him completely. But he cannot get rid of the harmful habit of managing, controlling, manipulating. He has been used to this since childhood and cannot imagine any other life.
Of course, manipulators are not born. They become them. But it's very early. So, having barely learned to walk, a child already knows that in order to achieve his goal, he needs to sometimes coo, sometimes yell. Do you think crying children always want to cry? Nothing like this. They just want to get this or that from their parents, and tears are their weapon at the moment. Parents, for their part, will do everything possible to raise a neurotic and psychotic child out of a healthy child, that is, they will play along with him in mastering the difficult craft of manipulation. They console a child who is not sad at all; punishing a child who is not to blame...
Before his eyes, his father can play the role of a responsible parent for the simple reason that he has a secret need for omnipotence, hidden from everyone. His mother shows him an example of skillful manipulation, trying to hold onto the strings of her apron and hiding her inertia and laziness behind it.
Manipulation has become such a common, such an everyday part of our lives that we have stopped noticing it. They are like birds, which are many around us, but which we do not see or think about.
Manipulation, being the main scourge of modern man, is universal, endless and timeless. For example, we read in the Old Testament the story of how David, struck to the very heart by the beauty of Uriah’s wife, orders Uriah to be sent to the most dangerous battle. David hopes that Uriah will die, although he does not admit it even to himself. A huge manipulation! By the way, its denouement does not at all contradict the canons of psychiatry: David’s last days were, as we know, filled with torment, and his sinful love did not bring him happiness.
The paradox of modern man is that, being not just an intelligent, but also an educated being, he drives himself into a state of unconsciousness and a low level of vitality. No, we are not all deceivers, sales managers or Elgar Gantry evangelists. But we are afraid to get to know life and look at ourselves honestly. We habitually put on one mask or another - everyone has several of them - and take part in the general masquerade, calling it life.
Above all, the manipulator is afraid that someone, even a close and beloved person, will find out about his true feelings. Hiding your true feelings is the mark of a manipulator.
Psychotherapists almost never believe what their patients say, but they carefully observe their behavior. Words may lie, but the human body never lies. For example, a patient says to a doctor: “You make me crazy!” But at the same time she smiles. This means she is trying to hide her anger from the therapist. If she hadn't been pretending, her fists would have been clenched and her eyes would have been burning with rage. But she wants to get some benefit from the doctor for herself, so she puts on a mask of being kind and smiling. Without taking into account only one thing - the mask never covers the whole person, and the true essence will certainly come out somewhere.
The manipulator is a skillful gambler with life who constantly strives to hide his empty card. A professional player knows how to perfectly feign indifference, but what nervous tension does this indifferent face cost him! Only the most experienced psychotherapist can look behind the face of a poker player; look and see behind this expressionless mask horror or rage over a huge loss or gloating over a big win... These are the laws of poker. But do we rarely meet such “players” in life?
A very common type of manipulator is a person who imposes his language on his interlocutors. Or he “hides behind” expressions like “Yes, this is, of course, very interesting,” while he does not feel any, even slight, interest. Do you want to sober up a lying manipulator? Put him in an awkward position. Say something like, “I don’t believe you.”
Another paradox of the modern manipulator is that he does not use even a fraction of the opportunities that life provides him. Instead of being sincerely happy, he will only smile sourly. He is a preoccupied automaton who will never take responsibility for his actions and his mistakes and will therefore endlessly blame everyone. By the way, it is not such a simple matter to blame others. Therefore, the manipulator is like a live fish in a hot frying pan - all his life he does nothing but fidget, make excuses and make faces.
The ways to simulate it are endless.
Surely you've met the person who quotes Shakespeare at every convenient turn of conversation. He read nothing but two or three sonnets, but he learned them by heart. This is very characteristic of a manipulator - superficial erudition, the goal of which is to impress, to catch others on his bait, after which to control them. He does not study life, but collects a collection of clever things, words and sayings, so that with its help he can throw dust in your eyes.
Another manipulative example is a large businessman who has a reputation among his colleagues as a seducer of secretaries. Imagine that, as a rule, he is not interested in sex as such. He tries to get girls into bed just to demonstrate his strength to everyone. This is a manipulative competition, but since it does not bring him any spiritual joy and satisfaction, after each “victory” he invariably experiences a loss of strength and depression.
One of my “favorite” types is the “whiner.”
You know him well too. When he meets you, he will definitely devote the first fifteen minutes to a detailed story about how unhappy he is, how bad things are going for him and how upset his health is. Need I add that usually things are going well for him and his health is fine?
In a neurotic modern society, it is more convenient to live as a manipulator than as an actualizer. But more convenient does not mean better. Ultimately, the manipulator is left with his nose. There is no need to look at the “road signs” of our life - they are completely false. “Be always pleasant,” they urge us. “Don’t get irritated”, “Don’t do anything you shouldn’t do” - this is truly excellent advice! It's as if we know each other so well that we can easily predict who should do what in different situations. And what about this common statement: “The consumer is always right.” We all repeat it regularly, but does anyone believe that the consumer is always right? And has anyone ever met someone who is always pleasant and never gets irritated?
In America, Bill Rogers says: “I’ve never met a person I didn’t like.” What can you say to this? You can smile. You can tap him on the shoulder and say, “Oh, I can guess what’s going on. It’s just that you, old man, have never met those whom I meet so often.” And think to yourself: he’s probably never met anyone, poor guy.
Never and no one.
Now a little more about why the manipulator himself suffers from his manipulations. The fact is that mechanical, insincere activity turns life into an unloved job. The manipulator treats his activities as day labor, which he is bored to death and from which it would be good to get rid of as quickly as possible. He has forgotten how to enjoy life as it is and experience deep feelings. He usually believes that the time of fun and pleasure, learning and development is over, gone along with childhood and youth, and that in adulthood only problems and hardships await him. So, upon reaching maturity, he, in fact, switches to a plant lifestyle, without trying to comprehend the goals and meaning of his existence.
Abraham Lincoln, the Great Emancipator, taught us a most powerful lesson in actualization in his time. After his first attempt to be elected to Congress failed, he said: “If good people, in their wisdom, see fit to keep me in the background, well, then so be it. I know disappointment too well to be upset about it.” Fabulous! If we conduct a psychological analysis of these words, it will become clear: Lincoln understood that any competition inevitably creates winners and losers, but life does not end with the competition. Therefore, you should calmly prepare for the next attempt to win.
Now compare the reaction to Lincoln's defeat with the typical reaction of a manipulator who failed to advance in his career as planned or failed to receive a salary increase that was so dear to his heart. Yes, he will kill everyone! Arriving home, he will do everything to poison the existence of his wife and children, and may even go so far as to shift the blame to his long-dead parent, who tyrannized him, and to the housekeeper, who poorly prepared his breakfast that very morning.
After which he can get drunk or get sick, fall into a trance and terrorize those around him with his gloom, that is, declare a passive strike against himself, all of humanity and his stupid boss.
The manipulator, we have already talked about this, loves to control. He can't live without it. He is a slave to this need of his. So, the next paradox of the manipulator, which I would definitely like to say: the more he likes to manage, the stronger his need to be controlled by someone.
For man, the riddle of “good” and “evil” has always been overwhelming, and he could not always distinguish one from the other. Therefore, for centuries, man has been looking for some kind of authority that would decide for him what is “good” and what is “bad.” Thus, everything that is pleasant to the chosen authority becomes “good”, and everything that the authority does not like becomes “bad”.
Of course, the man did not know what sacrifices such irresponsibility would require of him; did not know that from the moment he allowed someone to decide for him, he lost his integrity and split into two. The moral concepts of “good” and “evil” imposed by someone lead to a psychology of rejection, since a person must decide which parts of his nature are good and which are not. Accordingly, he will try to be the “good” parts of himself, and mercilessly reject the “bad” parts. And - a civil war begins within a person; a war full of pain and grave doubts: not a single person can ever decide to the end what is evil and what is good in himself.
It is impossible, it is dangerous to “reject” part of your nature. Whatever it is, it must be taken into account. And all human manifestations should be respected. It is stupid to cut off the left hand for the reason that it does everything worse than the right. It is also stupid to amputate part of your personality. But a person is responsible for the style with which he expresses himself.
We are all manipulators. But before we reject or amputate our manipulative behavior, we should try to remake or modernize it into actualizing behavior. In short, we need to manipulate more creatively, since actualization behavior is the same manipulative behavior, only expressed more creatively.
In each of us there are two principles, which Frederick Perls calls “top dog”, “bottom dog”.
“Dog on top” is an active principle, expressed in the desire to command, subordinate, and put pressure on with authority. “Dog from below” is a passive principle, expressing our need to submit, agree, and obey. Each of these principles can manifest itself either manipulatively or creatively.
Manipulators often love to plunge into the world of psychiatry and psychology. Having swallowed terms and concepts there, they, as a rule, proudly retire into the vast world of dissatisfaction with themselves, where they remain until the end of their days. And they use psychological concepts to justify their unsatisfactory behavior. The manipulator finds the cause of current misfortunes in his past, where something was done wrong to him. He has already left the childish “I can’t help you!”, but has already firmly entered the adult “I can’t help you because...”. Anything could follow next; it was not for nothing that he read psychological literature. For example: “Because I’m an introvert,” or “Because my mother didn’t love me,” or “Because I’m very shy.” Because, because, because...
Let me remind you that psychology was never intended to justify socially dangerous and self-destructive behavior that prevents an individual from developing his maximum human potential. Yes, psychology tries to explain the reasons for this or that behavior, but its goal is not that, but to help a person improve himself, make himself better and happier.
Chapter 2. MANIPULATOR
The modern manipulator has evolved from our market orientation, where a person is a thing that you need to know a lot about and which you need to be able to manage.
Erich Fromm said that things can be dismembered, things can be manipulated without damaging their nature. Another thing is the person. You cannot dismember it without destroying it, without killing it. You cannot manipulate him without hurting him, without killing him.
However, the main task of the market is to get people to be things! And not without success.
In market conditions, a person is not so much a person as a consumer. For a merchant, he is a buyer. For a tailor - a suit. For a traveling salesman - a bank account. Even in those establishments that provide you with rather intimate personal services, the madam is only part of her client.
The market seeks to depersonalize us, deprive us of individuality, but we don’t want this, we are indignant. I don’t want to be the “head” of my hairdresser, I want to be Everett Sjostrom everywhere and everywhere - a whole person. We all want to be special. And we all cease to be special when we fall for the hook of commercial thought, which seeks to destroy precisely our “specialness” to the ground.
I have already said that there is a manipulator inside each of us. Now I will tell you something even more terrible: each of us contains several manipulators. And I am ready to list them. At different moments in life, first one or the other of them takes over to lead us. But - keep this in mind - among them there is a main one, that is, in each person one type of manipulator, characteristic of him, predominates. So, there are eight main manipulative types, and you will probably easily recognize them, since each of them is among your friends or acquaintances.
1. DICTATOR.
He certainly exaggerates his power, he dominates, he orders, he quotes authorities - in short, he does everything to control his victims. Types of Dictator: Abbess, Chief, Boss, Lesser Gods.
2. RAG.
Usually a victim of the Dictator and his exact opposite. Rag develops great skill in interacting with the Dictator. She exaggerates her sensitivity. At the same time, typical techniques are: forgetting, not hearing, passively remaining silent. Types of Rags: Suspicious, Stupid, Chameleon, Conformist, Confused, Retreating.
3. CALCULATOR.
Exaggerates the need to control everything and everyone. He deceives, evades, lies, tries, on the one hand, to outwit, and on the other, to double-check others. Varieties: Businessman, Conman, Poker Player, Advertiser, Blackmailer.
4. STICKED.
The polar opposite of the Calculator. He tries his best to exaggerate his dependence. This is a person who longs to be the subject of concern. He allows and gradually forces others to do his work for him. Varieties: Parasite, Whiner, Eternal Child, Hypochondriac, Dependent, Helpless, Person with the motto “Ah, life didn’t work out, and that’s why...”.
5. HULIGAN.
Exaggerates his aggressiveness, cruelty, and hostility. Controls using various types of threats. Varieties: Insulter, Hater, Gangster, Threatening. The female variation of the Bully is Grumpy Woman (“Saw”).
6. NICE GUY.
Exaggerates his caring, love, attentiveness. He kills with kindness. In some ways, he is much more difficult to deal with than the Bully. You can't fight a Nice Guy. Surprisingly, in any conflict between a Bully and a Nice Guy, the Bully loses. Varieties: Obsequious, Virtuous Moralist, Organizational Man.
7. JUDGE.
Exaggerates his criticism. He doesn’t trust anyone, is full of accusations, indignation, and has difficulty forgiving. Varieties: Omniscient, Accuser, Accuser, Gatherer of Evidence. Shamener, Appraiser, Avenger, Forcer to admit guilt.
8. DEFENDER.
The opposite of Judge. He overemphasizes his support and forbearance towards error. He corrupts others by empathizing beyond measure and refuses to allow those he protects to stand on their own feet and grow into their own. Instead of taking care of his own affairs, he takes care of the needs of others. Varieties: Mother Hen with Chicks, Comforter, Patron, Martyr, Helper, Selfless.
I repeat, we usually represent one of these types in the most pronounced form, but from time to time the others can awaken in us. The manipulator unerringly finds a partner, or one more suitable to his “type”. For example, a Rag wife will most likely choose a Dictator husband in order to most effectively control him with the help of her subversive measures.
Sometimes we appear completely different to different people. And the point here is not at all in their perception. We simply demonstrate to different people different manipulators living within us. This is why we must be very careful in our judgments about people if these judgments are based on the opinions of others. Remember, they only saw part of the personality. Maybe not the main one.
Chapter 3. REASONS FOR MANIPULATION
The main reason for manipulation, Frederick Perls believes, is a person’s eternal conflict with himself, since in everyday life he is forced to rely on both himself and the external environment.
The best example of such conflict is the relationship between employer and worker. For example, the employer replaces individual original thinking with the rules of trade. He clearly does not trust the seller with this matter and does not allow him to show initiative. The salesman must become a tool in the hands of his boss, which, of course, deals an irreparable blow to the integrity of his personality. The buyer, who no longer communicates with a human seller, but with a blind executor of the owner’s will, also finds himself insulted and humiliated.
There is another side to the problem. The worker in modern society tends to be a freeloader, a hunter of free stuff. He demands a lot of rights and privileges without doing much. He will not prove his abilities and his skills as a statement of his own worth. No. They owe him simply because they have to. These are his arguments.
A person never trusts himself completely. Consciously or subconsciously, he always believes that his salvation lies in others. However, he does not completely trust others either. Therefore, he embarks on the slippery path of manipulation so that “others” are always on his leash, so that he can control them and, under this condition, trust them more. It's like a child sliding down a slippery slide, clinging to the edge of someone else's clothing, and at the same time trying to control him. This is similar to the behavior of a co-pilot who refuses to fly the plane, but tries to control the first pilot. In short, we will call this - the first and main - reason for manipulation Distrust.
Erich Fromm puts forward a second reason for manipulation. He believes that normal relationships between people are love. Love necessarily presupposes knowing a person as he is and respecting his true essence.
The great world religions call us to love our neighbor as ourselves, and here the vicious circle of our lives closes. Modern man does not understand anything about these commandments. He has no idea what it means to love. Most people, no matter how much they want, cannot love their neighbor because they do not love themselves.
We adhere to the false postulate that the better we are, the more perfect we are, the more loved we are. This is almost the exact opposite of the truth. In fact, the higher our willingness to admit human weaknesses (but precisely human ones), the more we are loved. Love is a victory that is not easy to achieve. And in essence, the lazy manipulator is left with only one pathetic alternative to love - desperate, complete power over another person; power that forces another person to do what HE wants, think what HE wants, feel what HE wants. This power allows the manipulator to make a thing out of another person, HIS thing.
The third reason for manipulation is offered to us by James Bugenthal and the existentialists. “Risk and uncertainty,” they say, “are all around us.” Anything can happen to us at any moment. A person feels absolutely helpless when faced with an existential problem. Therefore, the passive manipulator takes the following position: “Oh, I can’t control everything that can happen to me?! Well, I won’t control anything!”
Bitterly aware of the unpredictability of his life, a person falls into inertia, completely turning himself into an object, which greatly increases his helplessness. To an ignorant person it may seem that from now on the passive manipulator has become a victim of the active one. This is wrong. Shouts: “I give up! Do whatever you want with me!” - nothing more than a cowardly trick of a passive manipulator. As Perls proved, in any life conflict between the “bottom dog” and the “top dog,” the passive side wins. A universal example would be a mother who “gets sick” when she cannot cope with her children. Her helplessness does its job: children become more obedient, even if they didn’t want it before.
An active manipulator operates using completely different methods. He sacrifices others and openly takes advantage of their powerlessness. At the same time, he experiences considerable satisfaction in ruling over them.
Parents, as a rule, try to make their children as dependent on themselves as possible and are extremely sensitive to their children’s attempts to gain independence. Usually parents play the role of “top dog,” and children happily play along with them as “bottom dog.” In this situation, the “if-then” behavioral technique becomes especially popular.
“If you eat a potato, you can watch TV.”
“If you do your homework, you can drive the car.”
The child also successfully masters the same technique:
“If I mow the lawn, what do I get?”
“If Jim’s father allows him to drive away on Saturday and Sunday, then why don’t you tell me not to?”
How would a real active manipulator behave in such a situation? He would have yelled, “Do as I say and don’t pester me with stupid questions!” In business, this reaction is common: “I own 51 percent of the capital, and they will wear THIS uniform because I want it so!” I remember the founder of the college where I once studied saying, “I don’t care what color the buildings are as long as they’re blue.” He was a wonderful person and a wonderful active manipulator.
We found the fourth reason for manipulation in the works of Jay Haley, Eric Berne and William Glasser. Haley, during his long work with schizophrenics, noticed that they were most afraid of close interpersonal contacts. Byrne believes that people start playing games in order to better manage their emotions and avoid intimacy. Glasser suggests that one of the basic human fears is the fear of predicament.
Thus, we conclude that a manipulator is a person who treats people ritualistically, trying his best to avoid intimacy in relationships and difficult situations.
And finally, Albert Ellis offers us the fifth reason for manipulation. He writes that each of us goes through a certain school of life and absorbs certain axioms, with which we then compare our actions. One of the axioms is this: we need to get everyone's approval.
A passive manipulator, Ellis believes, is a person who fundamentally does not want to be truthful and honest with others, but who tries by hook or by crook to please everyone, since he builds his life on this stupid axiom.
I want to emphasize that by manipulation I mean something more than a “game”, as described by Eric Berne in the book “Games People Play and People Who Play Games.” Manipulation is more of a game system; it is a way of life. A single game aimed at avoiding a predicament is one thing; and another thing is the life scenario, which regulates the entire system of interaction with the world. Manipulation is a pseudo-philosophy of life aimed at exploiting and controlling both oneself and others.
For example, the Rag wife turned her entire existence into an invisible campaign to make her Dictator husband responsible for all her life's troubles. This is not a separate random game, this is a scenario for their entire life together. To some extent, this same scenario plays out in most families, including mine and yours, although the roles may be reversed.
As for individual games, there are a great many of them. Bern records, for example, the following: “Hit me!”, “Rushing”, “Look how hard I try.” All of them are aimed at compromising the husband. After she provoked him to scold and goad her, she will do her best to convince him what a scoundrel he is. Her manipulative system can be called “Collecting injustices.”
Chapter 4. MANIPULATIVE SYSTEMS
We distinguish four main types of manipulative systems.
1. ACTIVE
the manipulator tries to control others using active methods. He will never show his weakness and will play the role of a person full of strength. As a rule, he uses his social position or rank: parent, senior sergeant, teacher, boss. He becomes a “top dog,” relying on the powerlessness of others and seeking control over them. His favorite technique is “commitments and expectations”, the principle of the table of ranks.
2. PASSIVE
manipulator is the opposite of active. He pretends to be helpless and stupid, playing the “dog from below.” While the active manipulator wins by defeating his opponents, the passive manipulator wins by being defeated. By allowing the active manipulator to think and work for him, the passive manipulator wins a crushing victory. And his best helpers are lethargy and passivity.
3. COMPETITOR
the manipulator perceives life as a constant tournament, an endless chain of wins and losses. He assigns himself the role of a vigilant fighter. For him, life is a constant battle, and people are rivals and even enemies, real or potential. He oscillates between top dog and bottom dog techniques and is a mixture of passive and active manipulator.
Anti-Carnegie, or Manipulator
Main types of manipulators:
1. Dictator
demonstrates his strength.
He dominates, controls, gives orders, refers to authorities and does everything to lead his victim. Varieties of the Dictator can be Mother Superior, Father Superior, Despot, Boss, Lesser Gods. 2. The Slobber
usually acts as a victim of the Dictator and represents his polarity.
The Slobber has developed and developed a brilliant skill in dealing with the Dictator. He shows everyone his sensitivity. He forgets, does not hear, he is passive and silent. Its varieties can be Suspicious, Impenetrable Stupid, Yielding, Shy, On Your Own Mind. 3. The calculator
strives to control and manage everything and everyone at all costs.
He misleads, deceives, tries to outwit, deceive and deceive, fooling people. In this way he exercises his control over them. Varieties of the Calculator include the Persistent Seller, the Seducer, the Poker Player, the Fraudster, the Blackmailer, and the Reasoner. 4. Stuck
is the opposite of the Calculator.
He emphasizes his own dependence. He wants to be led, seeks care, and is willing to be fooled. He allows others to do his work for him. Sticky manifests itself in the role of Parasite, Whiner, Eternal Child, Hypochondriac, Demanding Attention, Helpless. 5. A bully
displays aggression, cruelty, and unkindness.
He controls those around him using various kinds of threats. Here are his incarnations: Humiliating, Hating, Cutthroat and Threatening. Female images of the Badass can be represented as the Bitch or the Grumpy Woman. 6. A nice guy
shows others how caring, loving, and warm he is.
He simply kills with his kindness. In some ways, he's much harder to deal with than the Bully, because you can't attack the Nice Guy! And what's especially interesting is that in any confrontation or conflict with a Bully, the Nice Guy almost always wins. He appears before us in the images of the Pleaser, the Opponent of Violence, the Good Guy, the Non-Interfering, the Virtuous, the One-Who-Never-Asks-What-You-Want, the Man-Organizer. 7. The judge
constantly emphasizes his criticality, which often develops into skepticism or criticism.
He doesn't trust anyone; he is inclined to judge others, is touchy and vindictive. Varieties of this type are Know-It-All, Slander, Connoisseur, Collector of Grievances, Obliger, Shamer, Comparer, Demander and Condemner. 8. The Defender
is the opposite of the Judge. He expresses support and does not find fault with shortcomings. He spoils those around him with his excessive empathy and his unwillingness to give them the opportunity to fend for themselves and defend themselves. Instead of taking care of his own needs, he plunges headlong into the needs of those around him, over whom he establishes lifelong guardianship. He can act in such roles as Mother Hen, Lawyer, Concerned-for-Others, Fear-for-Others, Sufferer-For-Others, Martyr, Helper, Altruist.
Further…
