Why is envy a bad feeling and how to get rid of it?

Kinds

Let's start by defining this feeling.

Envy is comparing yourself, your life and other things with another person, and not in your favor. The desire to possess the same thing that he has, and it does not matter whether it is material or not.

It can be either white or black. The only difference between them is that the black one destroys both the personality itself and the relationship with those whom he considers to be in a more advantageous position, while the white one is useful and promoting. It helps to bring two competitors closer together, to become more mature and conscious, and is manifested, expressed in the recognition of the very other, without diminishing personal merits. This is a way of treating on equal terms, when a person understands that a competitor is better in some way and has room to strive; he understands his zone of proximal development.

For example, among athletes. After a loss, you can be offended by the whole world, hate your opponent and even leave the sport, or vice versa, admit that he is really stronger, no matter whether he was born that way or trained so hard, want to defeat him next time and become more actively involved in training, setting himself target.

Types of envy

Main types:

1. White. It can even be called “positive”, because it almost never leads to negative consequences and can have a beneficial effect.
   This is the type in which a person has virtually (or completely) no negative feelings towards the object of his envy and does not seek to cause him any harm.

   Even the discomfort that occurs when a person is jealous may be absent or very weak. This feeling can push a person to develop, increase his motivation, and the desire to be better than others. This type is also called competitive envy.

2. Borderline. In this case, a person experiences tangible negative emotions, feels depressed, upset, offended, and may reproach himself for not meeting the level of the one he envies. At the same time, he understands well that what he experiences does not give him the right to treat badly those who are better than him. He tries to keep himself under control, his emotional state is dominated by minor notes, but there is little or no aggression and anger. However, he is capable of experiencing negative feelings towards the object, especially if there are reasons for this, but he rarely gives them free rein or does not give them at all.
3. Black. Accompanied by a wide range of bright negative emotions. A person dislikes or hates the person he envies, and may purposefully try to harm him. Such people often take it out on someone they envy, insult him, and may resort to physical violence. It's difficult for them to restrain themselves. In rare cases, black envy becomes a reason for committing crimes.

Each of these types can manifest themselves to varying degrees and transform into each other, as well as soften, especially if the envious person realizes that he is not acting in the best way and tries to find solutions.

Signs

Our desires, in principle, are formed on the basis of what we see how other people live, otherwise how would we know what exactly we want? But sometimes you have to delve into yourself to understand that corrosive hatred of another person is, in fact, nothing more than the desire to possess what he has. But sometimes it’s much easier to consider him somehow bad than to admit that he is better in some ways? Is not it?

Signs by which you can track this feeling in yourself or your interlocutor:

• A tense, overly wide smile, like a mask, but the eyes do not sparkle or “burn.” We looked at signs of insincerity in this article.
• A person grins, that is, only one half of his lips moves. If you notice that you have tension, then you should take a closer look at yourself.
• When you share your joy, but your interlocutor is not able to support it and share it with you. And after communication, you either lose your mood, or you feel devastated and bewildered. But here you have to be careful, sometimes people don’t know how to be around a happy person, no matter how strange it sounds. It is much clearer how to be in trouble, then you can console and advise something.
• Excessive criticism and devaluation can also be a sign that they are competing with you, and thus trying to “kill you” by pointing out your shortcomings each time.
• And sometimes when they praise you, you don’t feel joy. It becomes unclear, they say something good, but you don’t believe in a sincere impulse, considering yourself ungrateful and suspicious.

Causes

As they say, all our problems come from childhood. And there is some truth in this, because it was the family system that influenced the formation of our character. The people who surrounded us while we were little contributed greatly to the way we responded to situations and formed relationships. Therefore, a person sometimes rushes too hard to compete and is constantly stressed when others have something better.

Example

• As a child, there were inflated demands on him, there was only criticism, and there was always the feeling that he was born somehow differently, “undersized.” And no matter how hard I tried, getting recognition was unrealistic. Do you know those people who believe that it’s not worth talking about good things, and everyone understands that, but they need to point out mistakes all the time in order to increase motivation to improve? After this style of treating a child, simply the advice of a psychologist will not help; deep therapy will be needed here, because as he grows up, he will treat others the same way.
• The love of loved ones had to be earned. That is, they paid attention to him when he received a good grade, cleaned the apartment, won first place in competitions, and so on. And then he realized that he was not accepted as he was, and he had to try to be cooler than everyone else.
• The parents themselves failed to cope with raising several children, failing to distribute attention and care. Then the older child begins to fight for the attention of mom and dad, and sometimes such competition becomes a destructive way of life in the future.

And also envy, black, manifests itself with low self-esteem, a feeling of dissatisfaction and anger, that there should be justice in the world, but there is none, and in the absence of spiritual initiation, that is, when a girl realizes that she is already a woman, and a boy turns into a man . Sometimes even fifty-year-old men don’t know what it is and how to be a man, they don’t know how to rely on their resources and then they hate others who are successful and accomplished.

There are also reasons such as lack of internal freedom. When a person does not allow himself to do something, and then he envies those who do not limit themselves in this way, and has low self-esteem, getting used to sacrificing himself due to his unworthiness to desire something good.

Recommendations

1. First, engage in self-knowledge and self-development. If you keep track of your desires and realize them, then you will feel less anger at the success of others. To do this, you can try the methods from this article.
2. Human psychology is such that if he does not allow himself to express negative feelings, they will begin to destroy his body. But how can we talk about anger when the interlocutor shares how great he is at something? And it’s easy, as I said at the beginning of the article, you need to transform anger into recognition by thinking about what you are better at. It looks something like this: “Yes, you know how to drive a car perfectly, and you can handle it even in very critical situations, but I know how to repair it and put it in order on my own.” The second part of the sentence doesn’t have to be said out loud, it’s just that the level of negativity will decrease as soon as you realize that your partner is not ideal, and there are things that you can do better.
3. The following exercise will help you overcome overwhelming envy: write a list of 10 points in which you are better than your competitor. Don’t be humble, indicate material and intangible indicators, what you can do better, what you’re more fortunate in, and so on.
4. Often the perfection of other people's lives is just tinsel. A person will not always share experiences and difficulties even with friends, if only because he will have to admit some kind of failure, first of all, to himself, and it is often embarrassing to expose the “clumsy” part. Understanding this process will help alleviate the condition and return you to reality.
5. How to get rid of the envy of others? Unfortunately, either by having the courage to clarify the relationship by starting to ask direct questions, or by limiting the amount of information you are going to share. Sometimes you even have to stop communicating, because there is no way to relax in contact, controlling your words and hiding the truth, so as not to notice a malicious look or joy again in case of any trouble. The choice is not easy, but it’s worth it. Why do you need people around you who wish you harm?

How to stop being jealous of people

Envy is a vice that needs to be gotten rid of. This feeling leads to nothing but suffering and discontent. The exception is the rare moments when we use envy as motivation. Unfortunately, this technique is not given to everyone, but everything can be learned if you have the desire. There are 8 simple exercises that will show you how to get rid of envy and find harmony. Study them, listen carefully to yourself, perhaps at this moment your life will begin to change.

Don't feed your envy

It often happens that we see a friend's success and begin to think that it is just an accident. For example, his education is not very good, but you have a higher education in a prestigious university, and his personal life leaves much to be desired, and you have a family, children. So, this thinking is fundamentally wrong. You need to stop thinking like that.

Don't look for other people's shortcomings, think about your own strengths, and you will understand that there is no ideal world. Today your neighbor won the lottery, and tomorrow you were promoted at work and new opportunities appeared.

There are no clear rules and scripts in life. Sometimes unpredictable events burst in with incredible force, and we can only submit to them.

Get rid of the sense of justice

Another important point. What makes you think that you know how it should be? Let’s say a girl dreams of receiving her own apartment as a wedding gift, but, given the capabilities of her parents, the young family does not receive housing as a gift. But her friend, who got married five years earlier, received her own country house as a gift from her parents. And her car is beautiful. The girl is jealous and sees injustice. It’s not clear why the world works this way? Only she lost sight of the fact that her financially successful friend has not been able to become a mother for five years, and our heroine was lucky enough to feel the joy of motherhood almost immediately after the wedding.

Look at the world more broadly, without envy, analyze.

Wish people well

Another way to stop being jealous. Fight with yourself, try to wish well to the person you envy. It won't be easy at first, but over time a feeling of confidence will come. Overcome envy and you will find freedom.

Don’t get hung up on your own “I”, don’t envy, try to empathize with people, and sincerely rejoice at success. One day they will also be happy for you. Do it for free and see what dedication will bring.

Give compliments

The feeling of envy towards someone is, first of all, hostility. Try to stop being envious and give the person a compliment. Don't be ironic. Initially, this compliment will be insincere, but take it as a kind of training, and over time you yourself will enjoy saying good things.

Everyone is satisfied and happy. Do not darken your life with envy, fight this feeling.

Think about development

D. Herbert said: “He who does not look forward ends up behind.” Develop yourself and the feeling of envy will not take over your consciousness. Most often, people who have not achieved anything in life are envious. Other people's successes haunt them. Once you think about the price of success, envy will immediately begin to disappear. Moreover, this feeling will be replaced by compassion and respect.

Be prepared to take responsibility for the path you choose

You and only you are responsible for the results of your actions. Once you accept this fact, you will be able to get rid of envy, control everything and enjoy life.

For example, you are overcome by a feeling of envy towards an old school friend. She is rich and successful. And the secret of success is simple - perseverance and daily work. While you were busy organizing your personal life and having children, she was working hard and moving towards her goal.

Set your priorities correctly, do not envy, as a result, everyone will receive what they worked long and hard for.

Compare yourself only to yourself

There is no need to envy others, comparing yourself to them. Compare yourself to yourself, become better every day. Self-envy is impossible. Set high goals for yourself and there will be no time left for envy. This way you can get rid of envy and become better in your own eyes. You are your own biggest critic.

Think about the value of what you envy

Envy appears suddenly. Don’t be jealous of the picture; perhaps there is an unhappy person hiding behind it.

Understand yourself, give an honest answer to the question: “Is what you envy so valuable to you?” After all, no amount of money can buy the feeling of happiness within us, and sometimes a person relaxing in a hammock at the dacha surrounded by loved ones is much happier than a millionaire relaxing on a yacht alone.