Guilt. What to do with him?

Like any negative emotion, guilt causes great discomfort. It creates clamps in the body and this interferes with normal blood circulation. This is how diseases of internal organs and systems can appear. Any negative emotion that gnaws at a person must be eliminated. This is important for physical health and psychological comfort.

What is guilt: definition in psychology

First, let's understand the terminology. Psychology characterizes guilt as deep regrets about what one has done due to the negative consequences for oneself and others. It is inherent in everyone. Only people with mental disorders may not experience it at all.

It is normal for a person to feel guilty about his actions for a short time. Regrets lead to the thought: “We need to fix this as much as possible.” At this point the emotion begins to fade. Feelings switch to correcting mistakes and compensating for damage. But if guilt gnaws at you 24 hours a day and doesn’t give you peace, psychology recognizes such a feeling of guilt as pathological.

Causes of feelings of guilt

A painful feeling of guilt often occurs in people who find themselves in a difficult situation. For example, a person who survived an accident may feel guilty towards the deceased. And this is a distorted, wrong emotion, because such things happen by chance, they cannot be controlled.

A similar situation will occur with a child who has been taught to feel guilty before his parents. For example, a single mother who shows her son that she did not marry because of him will instill in the child a huge inferiority complex. The child will grow up and move away from his mother, because he will subconsciously feel shame in front of her. And this feeling does not contribute to rapprochement. Only if the mother does not manipulate it to control his life. Then another painful extreme arises: unjustified attachment, which should have outlived itself when the child was 5 years old.

The reason could be any other situation, there are thousands of examples.

Mechanism of occurrence

Let's look at a simple example. A child is constantly scolded as a child. Parents try to be strict or show intemperance towards their young son. He realizes that they stop scolding him when he starts to apologize. This is embedded in the fundamental ideas of the child, in his psyche. And then comes the distortion. The boy begins to perceive the imposed feeling of guilt as a way to get away from difficulties, as something that saves him and protects him. This mechanism will be activated constantly, in any situations, even those that do not require this emotion. The child will grow up and will constantly blame himself for all sins. This gives rise to self-doubt and complexes.

Fighting guilt

Main thought

When my mobile phone has less than 10% charge left, it immediately begins to attract attention with all sorts of notifications, thereby reminding me that it’s time to connect to the network.
When the tank of my car is noticeably empty, an orange indicator lights up on the panel, which means that soon the gas will completely run out. When the energy that entered my body during nutrition runs out, I feel hungry. And if I neglect moral standards, my brain immediately “expresses” disapproval, saying that I shouldn’t have done this. We used to call such signals a feeling of guilt.

Like other experiences, guilt is just a brain reaction with which you can change a line of behavior based on ignoring the most important values ​​in life.

Having robbed a bank, the criminal is unlikely to suffer from remorse, simply because he acts in accordance with other principles. But any other person who is sure that stealing is bad will feel guilty in a similar situation.

Thus, in order to get rid of feelings of guilt, you must first find out what important moral norm you violated, and then convince your subconscious that this will not happen again.

Difficulty coping with guilt

But if guilt is just a signal sent by the brain, why does it cause so much anxiety? Let's consider the feeling of guilt from a psychological point of view.

This pattern can be explained in two ways. First, some people get caught up in emotions, forgetting that we are dealing with a normal brain signal. When we feel bad, we often rush to switch to something positive, without bothering to think about the cause of a particular condition.

But if in this case we tried to find out the reason for our depression, we could completely eliminate the problem that has arisen or, at least, feel relief.

Secondly, we blame ourselves for other people's troubles! Yes, this is also a characteristic property of the feeling of guilt, although we often blame ourselves regardless of our involvement in a particular situation. Moreover, they are often ready to admit all the sins in the world. If it seems to you that someone is suffering because of your fault, ask yourself - am I really to blame?

Guilt can also be associated with the feeling that you have not done something well enough, but it is impossible to always foresee negative consequences. Moreover, you simply may not have enough resources to cope with a particular situation.

For example, if a friend was beaten, and you did not have the courage to stand up for him, there is no point in blaming yourself. After all, at that moment you simply did not have the resource (courage) necessary to protect your comrade!

If you've done your best with the resources you have, don't blame yourself if something goes wrong.

Moreover, anything can act as resources: knowledge, ideas, courage, money, influence, etc.

This brings us to the second way to overcome feelings of guilt: if you blame yourself for other people’s troubles, try to stock up on the resources necessary to help. If there is no such opportunity, there is no point in blaming yourself, because with the existing potential you have already done everything you could.

Transferring feelings of guilt

Every time she sees an elderly woman, Maria makes every effort to help her and make her happy. But five years ago, when her mother was still alive, Maria behaved completely differently. The relationship with my mother was simply terrible until her death. After her mother passed away, Maria's subconscious activated a feeling of guilt that had been accumulating for years, and now she applies the above-mentioned model of behavior towards every elderly woman who reminds her of her mother.

What do you do? Do you also suppress feelings of guilt, pushing them into the distant corners of your consciousness? If I'm not mistaken, it's time to forgive yourself and promise that you won't repeat the mistakes of the past. If you take this advice seriously, your subconscious will definitely accept repentance, which means you will no longer experience remorse.

Carrying guilt prevents you from forgetting those you loved. If you fell in love with a girl just because she looks like your sister (people tend to have sympathy for those who remind them of their family members), whom you had a bad attitude towards at one time, parting with your new passion will be extremely difficult. And not because of strong love for the girl, but because of the feeling of guilt before my sister! A break in this situation is only possible if you learn to control your feelings of guilt.

Guilt and sin

If you believe in God and life after death, you can assume that the greatest remorse is the result of breaking God's commandments. However, when it comes to sins, getting rid of the feeling of guilt is also simple: it is enough to convince the subconscious that you will not repeat the mistakes you made.

Unintentional mistakes do not cause as much guilt as intentional mistakes. For example, the remorse of robbing a bank that you've been thinking about all night will be much more palpable than the remorse of an unpleasant conversation with a friend after a bad day.

To summarize, I note that it will be easier for you to earn the forgiveness of your subconscious if you sinned unintentionally, without malicious intent or an insidious plan.

Guilt as a way of control

Understanding your own self not only makes you feel better, but also protects you from people who are interested in communicating solely for profit. Someone will happily play on feelings and begin to manipulate, blaming you for their own troubles. That is why be extremely careful during the communication process. If someone you haven't done anything wrong to makes you feel guilty about their problems, it could be that they just want to control you.

Guilt and perfectionism

A perfectionist strives to do everything perfectly and is terribly worried if he does not succeed.

As a rule, perfectionism is formed on the basis of self-doubt, so if you constantly feel guilty because of perfectionism, remember: the real problem lies not in the feeling of guilt, but in perfectionism itself.

Feelings of guilt, shame and embarrassment

While guilt occurs when you neglect certain values, shame is the feeling you feel when you have been shamed or humiliated. Embarrassment is familiar to everyone who has ever found themselves in an awkward position in society. For example, if you fall awkwardly at home, you are unlikely to feel anything, but you will undoubtedly feel embarrassed if it happens in the presence of strangers.

And finally, about guilt

Don't know how to get rid of guilt? Do not rush to take responsibility for a specific situation without making sure that it was you who created it. And remember: it is important to promptly promise your subconscious that you will never intentionally violate moral standards again.

Farukh Radwan, M.Sc.

Guilt complex in psychology

A child’s guilt complex is expressed in his inability to live normally and feel happy. This feeling is constantly present in his life, bringing negativity into it. It is very important to recognize the complex and begin to eliminate it.

In psychology, strict upbringing is often recognized as the cause of guilt in men and women. Parents use a reward system, instill in the child that he is obliged to meet their expectations. Such individuals do not live their own lives: the complex pushes them to constantly try to please their parents’ will. Children do not go where they want, but where their parents say. Guilt haunts them throughout life. They always feel like they are not good enough at what they do.

Another reason for a guilt complex lies in insecurity. A person becomes withdrawn and takes personally all the mistakes and failures that happen to him in life.

How is pathological feeling expressed?

Here are some signs that a person has developed this complex.

• excessive touchiness;
• tendency to self-flagellation;
• lack of self-confidence;
• giving up prospects and aspirations;
• desire to punish oneself, a person does not love himself;
• the desire to be led;

These signs indicate that the complex is fundamentally embedded in the individual. In most cases, this happens in childhood.

It is worth noting that the feeling of guilt is closely related to psychosomatics. Sometimes a person experiences a number of unpleasant symptoms:

• frequent colds;
• disturbances in the functioning of the heart and blood vessels;
• problems with the musculoskeletal system;
• frequent injuries.

In especially severe cases, self-harm and auto-aggression (conscious or unconscious self-harm) occur.

How to get rid

Feelings of guilt have an extremely negative effect on a person. If it prevails in a person for quite a long time, then sometimes a persistent reluctance to act appears. A person simply does not see the point in making significant efforts to act in accordance with changing circumstances. Your health may deteriorate significantly and your emotional balance may be shaken. Everything in life must have its own motivation. While a person moves forward, takes certain actions and draws conclusions, he develops. Otherwise, all internal strengths dry up and aspirations disappear. You need to know how to get rid of unnecessarily negative impressions. This is necessary in order to be able to live peacefully further, without all sorts of worries and worries.

Admitting your weaknesses

There is an opinion that mistakes make us stronger and help us comprehend the realities of what is happening. All people are not perfect. No one is born with the staunch and unsurpassed self-confidence of understanding the reasons for what is happening as soon as the event has just happened. Sometimes you have to work hard before you can learn to accept your weaknesses. This does not happen in one day. Sometimes you may need additional time, which is so necessary to comprehend some events that happened in the past. In most cases, this understanding comes naturally once a person realizes his true worth. He gradually abandons the search for those to blame and intuitively immerses himself in a state that inevitably leads to personal development. To do this you need to be a really strong person and not be afraid to make a mistake. Recognizing your weaknesses, without a doubt, helps you stop blaming yourself even for the most significant reasons. When we admit to ourselves that we are not at all flawless, life becomes easier. In the future, the individual calmly makes responsible decisions, without fear of appearing somehow special to himself or others. In order for the attempt to be successful, it is necessary to give up the desire to control much in your life. This will make it easier to make decisions and track the results.

Helpful Actions

Feelings of guilt are an excellent indicator that something in life needs to be changed for the better. There is no need to be afraid of change, because it only means that a person does not stand still, but strives to move forward. Helpful steps can help in this matter. You just need to understand which direction you should move, which attempts will be successful, and which you will obviously have to abandon. What is important is awareness, the desire to be useful, to act despite all sorts of failures. Through experience, you can find out why certain actions cannot be crowned with success. Perhaps, as a result of the attempts made, a person will be able to realize something, give up destructive thoughts, begin to move towards something bright, and take useful actions. Everyone would like to wish such an internal transformation.

The desire not to repeat mistakes again

In order for the feeling of guilt to visit you as little as possible, you need to be an open and sincere person. In this case, it will be easier to get rid of the feeling of guilt and understand something very important for yourself. There is no need to try to dwell too much on what is happening, even if it causes mental suffering. When some event has left a clear negative mark, you can always try to draw the appropriate conclusions and no longer live with the same destructive beliefs. We must definitely learn, accept the lessons of fate and not try to reject them. If a person has learned the lesson, then instead of suffering he will experience deep inner humility and acceptance. This is how you can free yourself from guilt and accept joyful changes in your life.

Thus, the feeling of guilt is a completely unpleasant and painful sensation. It is experienced the more difficult the more a person experiences its influence. When the situation was initially difficult, “recovery” may take some time. The process is not always easy and painless. Sometimes you need additional time to understand what happened, to find constructive ways out of a personal crisis. If you cannot cope with the problem on your own, then you can turn to psychologist Irakli Pozharisky for help. Working with a specialist will help you set your priorities correctly and decide on your next steps.

How to get rid of guilt

The basis of almost any complex is fear. Guilt is also anger. The degree of development of the complex, the reaction to it, and the consequences depend on the concentration of fear and anger in the cocktail of human emotions. Anger comes from judgment.

Fear is the basis. A person is always afraid of something:

• lose the respect and approval of others;
• lose a relationship, a loved one;
• lose self-respect.

All this forces us to go to the roots of the problem. You need to understand yourself, imagine the most undesirable outcome of events. Most likely, nothing bad will happen. You will receive the disapproval of someone very important. So what?

How to deal with feelings of guilt? Understand simple truths:

• You don't have to live up to anyone's expectations.
• You are a complete person, a separate unit.
• Relatives should not control you. You may be a completely different person.
• Love is not built on meeting expectations. This is already manipulation using feelings. You must be loved for who you are, because you will not be anyone else. People are born with a ready-made set of personality traits. Education makes only a small contribution. “The aspen tree will not produce oranges.” "An apple from an apple tree."

And further. You don't owe anyone anything. Don't exaggerate your sense of duty. Everyone has their own frames and ideas.

It's easy to make me feel guilty. How to deal with this?

Semyon, please tell us about your choice of profession. How did you decide? What did you really want? It would be good to understand the root and causes of occurrence - usually these are the most emotionally intense events.

When I was choosing a profession, I had little choice: either go to study or throw myself out the window. During the exams, my parents put pressure on me to “choose a profession quickly” even before the exams, then I broke up with my girlfriend and I didn’t want anything at all, wherever they said I would go, where they said I fell/threw myself out/drank ate (was depressed), so I wanted to go to work in a funeral home. I always aspired to medicine, I have talent in this, my parents pushed me to become a lawyer, because even then I did not have the strength to argue, to defend my own.

Semyon, when you would like to refuse, are you scared to see another person’s reaction to refusal?

I’m not afraid of the reaction, I’m afraid that because of my reluctance to rush to the rescue like the Ministry of Emergency Situations, they will stop communicating with me and I will be left, as always, alone with the trauma of being abandoned. I have a fear of losing a person without pleasing him with something, with the same refusal.

If you refuse, it means you are selfish. Are these thoughts similar to what you were told within your family?

Yes, they called me that when I didn't want to do something for them, sometimes they didn't say anything, but I felt that pressure. Sometimes I wanted them to just yell and then I understood what was happening

Let's try to figure out whether there are areas in which it would not be difficult for you to refuse or express your desire? Can you make a list of actions from 1 to 10 - where 1 is the most easily fulfilled request, 10 is the most difficult (for example, confronting loved ones)? Write such a list and show me, let’s try to think what can be done with it.

I have two extremes: either I can or I can’t.

10: Confront your loved ones, Confront your superiors, for example, the dean or the head girl, who asks for something, since they have a direct influence on me and I am afraid that they will do something mean to me, if I don’t give in, if I give in, then I hate myself, If I ask for something for myself, for example, an expensive gift, I will feel arrogant, but I really need it.

7: When a person’s mood drops when communicating with me (even if there were other circumstances before me), I think it’s because of me and I start to think that I’m to blame, analyze what I did/said wrong? It’s very difficult not to take on this blame for someone else’s condition, I’ll be the devil, I manage to ruin everything everywhere, but I don’t understand how this happens? This cannot happen.

2: It’s difficult to ask to show me something: for example, at a pharmacy I’ll ask you to tell me something, they show it to me, and then you have to buy it or refuse. If I refuse, I feel guilty that I have bothered the seller at all, but if I buy, then everything is fine.

1: If I am asked to buy something at a promotion, they impose loans, gypsies ask for alms to buy a horse to transport scrap metal - I will refuse and will not feel like some kind of debtor. I can refuse the cashier, I don’t need the package, even if they give me 100 items on sale, I won’t get tired of saying “no” and you won’t make me feel ashamed.

When I understand the true purpose of the request, I can soberly evaluate it and think what could I do? Is this necessary? When I don’t understand the reasons for a person’s behavior, it seems to me that I have to save him, help him, or I will be terrible.

Guilt: Gestalt psychology

Pathology is often based on an unfinished gestalt. In psychology, this means that a person experiences a strong feeling of guilt due to the inability to return to the past and correct the situation.

Remorse can be so powerful that a person simply cannot cope with it on his own. The person is aware of the problem and strives to eliminate it. To do this, you will need the help of a psychotherapist or productive work on yourself.

Method of public repentance

How to deal with guilt in this way? Psychology offers a method of public repentance. A person is ashamed of his actions and keeps problems to himself. It is necessary to select a group of people to whom you can tell about them. The fear of condemnation will be overcome. Instead of condemnation, a person will receive sympathy and understanding. This is how they work in groups during psychological sessions. You can tell your friends who can listen and understand.

It is very important to talk about the problem. Fear, which serves as the foundation of feeling, will be destroyed.

Working with introjects

How to remove guilt? Let's master a psychological technique that allows us to get rid of false attitudes that we accepted and internalized in childhood.

Write down on a piece of paper all the requirements that you place on yourself.

• I owe others;
• I have to;
• morality and duty oblige me;

All thoughts that you think are true regarding these points need to be written down and rethought.

If you write: “Must study well” or “Must earn well,” then no, you shouldn’t. School performance evaluation has nothing to do with you personally. This is an assessment of how much you have mastered the material, taking into account specific life circumstances. Earnings are also not at all an indicator of human nature. Many famous people: politicians, inventors, actors once started working as a pizza delivery boy. Such things should not affect an individual’s self-esteem or make him feel guilty. All this is temporary and can change at any moment. Saving a drowning person is the work of the drowning person himself. All in your hands.

“I should be slim” is a common female attitude. Constant feeling of guilt before everyone: “I owe them.” No, you shouldn't. A woman doesn't owe anyone anything. A woman can look the way she feels comfortable. A man who forces a woman to conform to his ideas of beauty is stupid, short-sighted, unfair, and selfish. It's not a good idea to spend your whole life wondering whether you will be loved if you gain weight. A woman should not feel guilty for not meeting someone's expectations.

Why is guilt bad?

Both in childhood and in adulthood, pathological feelings of guilt can arise for almost any reason. For example, we did not keep a promise, let down a friend, relative or any other person. Even if a person is unreasonably scolded or inappropriately joked about, he may experience an unpleasant feeling of remorse.

Pathological self-blame is accompanied by emotional instability, which is characterized by anxiety, fear, confusion, and depression. This condition becomes a heavy burden for a person, deprives him of the opportunity to feel the joy of life and develops a feeling of loneliness.

A constant feeling of guilt is bad for a person with such painful sensations and consequences:

• In an effort to compensate for the feeling of guilt, the patient chooses to live with a person who obviously does not love, but uses and manipulates;
• A person has a constant desire to meet the requirements of society;
• The patient is withdrawn, difficult to make contact, it is easier for him to lie than to tell the truth;
• Against the backdrop of constant reproaches and complaints against themselves, people do not reserve the right to make mistakes and suffer because they allowed others to make a mistake;
• Patients are constantly afraid of offending someone;
• A deep sense of guilt makes you react very painfully to criticism, screams, tears, anger and easily succumb to their influence.

On the one hand, the feeling of guilt is an important emotion that allows a person to mark the line between good and bad. On the other hand, the feeling of guilt is dangerous because it can be used as an effective tool of manipulation mainly in negative aspects.

Manipulation of guilt allows you to gain power over a person and his actions, and adjust them in the direction desired by the manipulator. Since a person’s feeling of guilt becomes the result of a conflict between his own emotions, desires and duty, the manipulator seeks to instill one or another idea, using the phrases “this is your duty”, “you are obliged”, “this will be right in relation to others”, etc. .d.

How to get rid of guilt: simple psychological techniques

How to overcome feelings of guilt on your own? Psychology has the answers. These techniques are suitable for independent practice.

To apologize

How to overcome feelings of guilt? If you are guilty of someone, talk to that person and ask for forgiveness. Tell me how you are suffering. Perhaps you will find understanding and sympathy. And if not, you did what was in your power. Your job is to admit your mistake and ask for forgiveness. And what the recipient of the apology should do with this is already the responsibility of his conscience.

All people make mistakes. Life is given to us without instructions. Forgive yourself for being only human.

Imaginary moral judgment

How to overcome feelings of guilt? When you are mentally judging yourself, don't forget to give your line of defense the floor. Otherwise it's unfair. Yes, you are to blame. But you must defend yourself. Give arguments, explain your action. Perhaps the prosecution will lose if the defense works. The verdict can always be appealed.

Confrontation with the Accuser

When another person accuses you, defend yourself. Not all situations are clear cut. To stop the accuser from punishing you with words, immediately apologize. This will disarm the enemy. Then tell your point of view. Say you understand the person. Such confrontation is better than empty accusations and shouting. The main thing is that you do not reproach yourself. This feeling is not helpful. Don't let others use this technique for manipulation.

Self improvement

Working on your character always implies a certain amount of personal growth. When you have experience of past mistakes behind you, there are more opportunities to work on yourself. The process of self-improvement is very difficult. It quite often involves a large investment in your own resources. If you don’t know how to get rid of guilt, you should definitely start practicing self-improvement. Working on yourself also includes such aspects as developing courage, self-confidence, and developing a stable outlook on the world.