Codependency in relationships: is it true that “we can’t live without each other”?

Fans of pop classics probably know and remember the song “We Can’t Live Without Each Other” with lyrics by Alexandra Pakhmutova and music by Nikolai Dobronravov. At different times it was sung by Muslim Magomayev, Lev Leshchenko, Alexander Gradsky and a whole galaxy of young performers already in the new millennium.

The composition is truly beautiful and romantic, which is why several generations of listeners fell in love with it. If “We can’t live without each other” is exclusively in a song, that’s fine. But if such attachment, bordering on hopelessness, is observed in real life, this can become a big problem.

Communication even with a dearly loved and very close person should be adequate and not violate personal space, which can be learned in our “Relationship Building” and “Best Communication Techniques” programs. And today we will talk about relationships with a painful form of addiction. So, what is codependency in a relationship?

What is codependency in a relationship?

It is interesting that, although the problem is quite widespread, there is no single generally accepted definition of what it is today. Why is codependency in relationships a problem? Because codependency is a painful form of psychological dependence on another person.

Alternatively, codependency is sometimes defined as psychological dependence on a person suffering from some kind of addiction. For example, alcohol or drugs. In this case, the codependent depends on the emotions received in such a relationship. He may feel like a savior or even a messiah for an experienced alcoholic who has no intention of being saved.

On the other hand, where else in our life can we feel like a savior and messiah? This is the problem, that a certain category of people simply cannot live without meddling in other people’s lives. They constantly save someone, instruct, teach how to live, give advice on what and how to do correctly. The small fact that no one asked them to do this does not stop such people.

Codependency in a relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict is far from the only example of such a relationship. This may also apply to people who are quite adequate at first glance, but the essence of codependency does not change. Codependency is an unhealthy need for another person, their attention, understanding and approval.

In such a relationship, a person cannot take a single step without being suspected of insufficient attention to his other half. And the other half takes “every gesture, every look” personally and interprets it not in their favor. By the way, these are the words from Vyacheslav Dobrynin’s song “Who Told You,” which was performed at different times by the VIA (vocal and instrumental ensembles) “Leisya, Song”, “Singing Hearts”, singer Nina Brodskaya and the author of the music and words, Vyacheslav Dobrynin. This was a small lyrical digression, but now let’s continue the topic.

So, in the opinion of a codependent person, a partner who has come home from work and stood in a traffic jam for an hour behaves with restraint not because he was tired during the day, but because he is not happy to see him [E. Shundikova, 2017]. Nonsense?!.. Yes, people with a normal psyche and adequate self-esteem are unlikely to think of this. But in codependent relationships this happens all the time!

The question may arise: why does the second member of the tandem tolerate this? Why not try to stop such an invasion of your life and personal space, constant psychological pressure in the form of endless expectations and suspicions? This usually happens because the other partner also needs strong emotions. For example, he wants to have constant confirmation that he is loved and needed.

By the way, some psychologists propose to simplify the definition of codependent relationships as those into which people prone to psychological dependence enter. This is exactly the definition proposed in the book “Liberation from Codependency” [B. Winehold, J. Winehold, 2002].

Jealousy and reproaches, of course, are a very conditional confirmation of love. However, if desired, such confirmation can be found even in the sacramental “hits, means loves.” The key word is “if desired,” because in the 21st century, if desired, you can find the opportunity to seek help wherever there is mobile coverage.

And considering that people live in codependent relationships quite voluntarily for decades and even dissuade the arriving police from taking radical measures against those who like to beat up their significant other out of excess feelings, it becomes clear that the desire to receive confirmation of one’s own importance at any cost is a serious and difficult thing to cure.

Yes, many psychologists and psychotherapists believe that codependency is a consequence of childhood psychological trauma and, like any trauma, needs treatment. In particular, this may be a protracted, or even completely failed, formation of psychological autonomy from parents. This option is described in the book “Liberation from Codependency” [B. Winehold, J. Winehold, 2002]. Then a person who has already become an adult simply cannot imagine any other format of relationship than constant monitoring of a partner and guiding the latter on the right path.

We will talk in detail about the causes of codependency a little later, but first we will dwell on the signs of such a relationship. This is important because, as we discussed earlier, while the problem is quite widespread, a single generally accepted definition of what it is does not exist today.

Signs of codependency in relationships

We have already looked at some signs of codependency in relationships. But to get the full picture, you need to analyze all the signs of a codependent relationship, as was done in the article of the same name [N. Protsenko, 2019].

Top 10 signs of a codependent relationship:

Fear of independent decisions - a person sincerely believes that everything, even the smallest actions, must be coordinated with a partner.
Willingness to do anything to avoid conflicts is not about compromises, which are important and necessary in life together, but about the fear of voicing your wishes or your vision of the problem, because there is a fear of rejection of the opinion by the other half.
Willingness to sacrifice principles is to some extent a continuation of the previous point, when a person goes to any length to avoid a conflict that, perhaps, would not have happened.
Intrusive caring - a person is ready to do instead of a partner even what he is able and would like to do himself.
Immersion in the life of a partner is the desire to share his interests, leisure, hobbies, without giving him the opportunity to be alone even for a short time.
Jealousy - when they are jealous of everyone, including school friends, parents and pets, tormenting them with suspicions and questions like “Who did you call last night?”, even if it was to order pizza.
The desire to control every step of the partner - to the point that the person calls every couple of hours with the question “Where are you?”, although the partner is an ordinary office employee and everyone knows the office address.
The dependence of mood and even well-being on the attitude and mood of the partner.
Inattention to your true needs, requests, lack of understanding of your goals and aspirations.
An insistent desire to change a partner “to suit oneself” - to force them to lose weight, play sports, go to the doctor, change jobs, even if this is not part of the partner’s plans.

It may seem to some that the last point “stands out” from the overall picture and contradicts the willingness to do anything to avoid conflicts and the desire to immerse yourself in the life of your partner as deeply as possible. In reality, the desire to change a partner “to suit oneself” is skillfully (or not so skillfully) disguised as comprehensive care and a willingness to take on the partner’s troubles: finding a gym, a doctor, a job, a super diet, anything else that was not asked for.

A “deep immersion” into a partner’s life similarly works to achieve the goal of changing a partner “to suit oneself.” The more time you are together, the more opportunities you have to “peck at your partner’s brain” and persuade him to lose weight, play sports, and the list goes on. We are in no way against sports and reasonable advice from loved ones on maintaining health.

However, an adult should understand that he is communicating with an equally adult person who may have his own preferences and minor health problems that he does not want to make public. Therefore, intrusive advice may not be accepted simply because it is irrelevant to the person’s current psychological and physical state.

Thus, codependency manifests itself in a variety of forms. This could be jealousy and resentment, self-pity and low self-esteem, confusion and inability to see perspectives, rejection of people from your partner’s environment, excessive need for food, alcohol, gambling as a way to escape reality. You can read more about these and other manifestations in the article “The Flame of Codependency” [M. Ifraimov, 2019].

As you can see, the concept of codependency is very multifaceted. Thus, codependency can be observed in relationships with a man, a woman, between a husband and wife, between parents and children. Moreover, the desire to control every step of children is precisely a traditional parental trait that can manifest itself not only until adulthood, but also until the children retire. Fortunately, the current life expectancy allows the most well-preserved people to send their children not only to kindergarten, school, the army, but also to retirement.

And, as we have already briefly noted above, such excessive parental care may well become an impetus for the formation of codependent relationships in the adult children’s own family life. Of course, there are many more possible causes of codependency in relationships, and the “roots from childhood” may be more branchy.

Causes of codependent relationships

We all come from childhood, so first we’ll talk about the reasons for codependent relationships that come from childhood. The authors of the already mentioned book “Liberation from Codependency” identify 4 important stages that every child goes through in his development [B. Winehold, J. Winehold, 2002].

development stages :

Stage 1 (from birth to 6-9 months) – the stage of codependency and inextricable connection with the mother, because the child cannot exist without her care.
Stage 2 (10-36 months) – counter-dependence, when the child begins to crawl, then walk, strives to explore this world and tries to do something on his own.
Stage 3 (3-6 years) – independence, when the child is able to act independently from his parents most of the time (kindergarten, games with peers, sports clubs, independent games at home).
Stage 4 (6-12 years) – interdependence, when the process of interaction with parents and the outside world is established, and the child either strives for greater independence or seeks closer communication.

Ideally, at the fourth stage, a type of relationship should be formed in which the periodic closeness and distance of close people will be comfortable for everyone and will be perceived as natural. If all 4 stages have passed normally, the child is ready to become a mature person over time, able to maintain a balance between his own and other people’s interests, protect his own and other people’s boundaries of personal space, be moderately caring and give his partner a certain freedom of action.

If some stage remains unfinished, throughout the next life a person will strive to “complete” this stage and build relationships with a partner that seem to reproduce the unfinished stage in order to finally go through this stage to the end. As a result, such a person becomes like a baby who requires constant attention.

Actually, this is normal for a baby, because for objective reasons he will not survive without outside help. A close relationship with the mother at an early age gives a feeling of security and at the same time unlimited power, when the mother reacts to every cry and runs to predict the child’s wishes. Creating a sense of security is an important aspect of developing a healthy psyche, but care should not be excessive even at a very early age.

It is on this that psychologists’ advice is based not to take the baby in your arms every time he cries, but to try to distract him with something [A. Khodykina, 2020]. Otherwise, the child develops an incorrect picture of the world, as if everyone around him should be fixated exclusively on him and run to fulfill his wishes as soon as he begins to act up.

In adulthood, such a child will subconsciously expect, or even simply demand, that the partner give him what his parents gave: unconditional and boundless love, the same unconditional and immediate attention to his requests. Of course, in adult life this is unrealistic and unnecessary, which is why parents are advised to instill useful conditioned reflexes in their children. For example, pick him up only when he is not crying and behaves calmly [A. Khodykina, 2020].

One more question: why do codependent people demand unquestioning compliance with their own expectations from their partner? Firstly, a partner in adulthood is almost as close a person as a mother was in childhood. Secondly, the state of falling in love partly takes us back to childhood, where everything was good, cozy, fun and safe. This can be organized as an adult, but you need to organize it yourself, and not expect others to do everything for you, also unilaterally.

There are other reasons that lead to codependent relationships. Their roots are not so obvious and are not always found in the early period of life, but these reasons are quite strong. Among them, for example, is the fear of loneliness, the fear of abandonment, boredom and melancholy, the lack of clear life goals, when a person simply does not know what to do outside of a relationship.

Such a person does not have his own career aspirations, the desire to earn money and move up the social ladder, or to engage in creativity or sports. It remains to realize oneself only in relationships, and if relationships occupy all the time and attention of a person, they cannot be healthy and adequate. Is it possible to get out of this state and what can be done for this? Let's find out!

Leaving a codependent relationship. Test for codependent relationships.

In order to get out of a state of emotional dependence, answer yourself 3 questions.

After reading the article, can you say that you are in an addictive or codependent relationship? Answer yourself as honestly as possible.
Describe mentally or out loud what you like in such a relationship, what you don’t like, what suits you and what you expect from your partner or close relative?
What needs do you meet in such a relationship and how can you do it differently?

After answering these questions, make correct and adult informed decisions about leaving a codependent relationship. If it doesn’t work out and you need help, you know where to turn.

Codependency in relationships: how to get rid of it?

Let's start with the fact that in order to get rid of codependency, a person must have his own desire. Where will it come from if everyone already owes him and he feels good in the role of a sufferer, savior or messiah? Usually, harsh reality pushes thoughts about the need for change. For example, a partner gains courage and breaks off such a relationship, finds another partner (perhaps also codependent, but that doesn’t make it any easier for the ex) and harshly suppresses attempts to interfere in his new life.

In addition, the lack of any achievements in a codependent relationship may prompt thoughts about change. For example, attempts to transform a partner “to suit himself” fail on all fronts, because he does not want to lose weight, earn money, or dig potatoes in the country. At some stage, a completely sensible thought may come to mind: is it worth changing this person if you can try to find another who already has the required qualities?

And finally, the correct diagnosis matters. If a person is haunted by doubts that everything is going wrong in his life, and some of the listed signs of a codependent relationship are observed, it is important to make sure that this is the case in order to select adequate measures. To do this, you can take a test for codependency in relationships. There are several such tests, and for a more accurate diagnosis it is worth taking 2-3 tests.

Tests for codependency in relationships:

Weinhold's codependency scale CSIS (The Codependency Self-Inventory Scale) with 20 questions.
Test “How prone are you to codependency” from the online magazine Psychologies magazine for 35 questions.
Test “Level of Codependency” from Polina Gaverdovskaya and Ekaterina Sigitova for 50 questions.
Test “Degree of severity of codependency” from the online resource kreativlife.ru for 20 questions.
Test “Self-test of codependent relationships” from the “Life Knowledge Portal” for 17 questions.

One more thing. As any psychologist will tell you, codependency in a relationship is almost impossible to overcome on your own. It is highly likely that you will need the help of a psychologist or psychotherapist. However, you can take the first steps yourself.

Let's start with the most difficult case when it comes to codependency in a relationship with an alcoholic - how can an alcoholic get rid of an addiction? A proven option is to turn to God. Psychologists who worked with members of Alcoholics Anonymous in New York wrote the book “12 Steps and 12 Traditions” [Alcoholics Anonymous, 2020]. This book has become a kind of Bible for people suffering from alcohol addiction. Let us briefly outline the basic principles from this book.

Alcoholism and codependency in relationships - how to get rid of it ( 12 tips ):

Admit your powerlessness over alcohol.
Recognize that only a more powerful Power can help.
Surrender your life to God.
Evaluate your past life from a moral point of view.
Admit to God the real reasons for your errors.
Prepare yourself so that God can help you get rid of addiction.
Ask God to correct our shortcomings.
Make a list of people who were offended and to whom you would like to apologize.
If possible, compensate for the damage caused to these people.
Conduct introspection and admit your mistakes.
Pray and reflect.
Bring these ideas to other people who need them.

These, as you already understand, are steps for people suffering from alcohol addiction who have decided to break with this addiction. However, these same principles underlie the “Program for Assistance to Families,” where there are people with alcohol and drug addiction [My Family is My Fortress, 2021]. And this once again proves that codependency is a need for everyone who finds themselves in such a relationship.

Codependency in relationships - how to get rid of it in 12 steps if your partner is an alcoholic:

Recognize that you cannot stop your partner from committing an addiction.
Respect the inner world of a drinking partner.
Respect your feelings and needs.
Do everything in your power to help your partner.
Understand that your partner must have responsibilities towards you.
Find an opportunity to praise your partner for something.
Set personal boundaries in communication with your partner.
Recognize that there are no perfect people.
Understand that the partner must take responsibility for his own behavior.
Stop pleasing your partner.
Understand that you can only be responsible for yourself, but not for another adult.
Promote your personal growth.

As you can see, there really is a lot in common, with the only difference being that sober people are encouraged to turn to their own minds, and not to higher powers. So, we have dealt with the most difficult case, when we are talking about relationships in which one of the partners is objectively unable to be adequate at the moment due to alcohol or drugs.

But we remember that codependency can “drag in” even people who are quite adequate at first glance. What to do in this case? There is an exit!

Codependency in relationships: how to get rid of it - advice from psychologist Alexey Khmelev:

Take responsibility for your own life.
Return mentally to childhood.
Emotionally “unstuck” from your partner.
Set personal boundaries in relationships.
Develop healthy egoism and assertive behavior.
Value and respect yourself.
Introduce a new behavioral model into everyday life.

As the author of these recommendations aptly noted, “today is the first day of the rest of your life” [A. Khmelev, 2017]. Isn't this a chance to start all over again?! Ekaterina Shundikova, a psychologist at the Gomel Regional Center for State Examination and Public Health, gives equally useful advice.

Codependency in relationships: how to get rid of it - advice from psychologist Ekaterina Shundikova:

Understand that you are an adult and are able to give yourself everything you needed as a child.
The right to refuse is your right.
The right to refuse is also the right of your partner.
Do not expect changes from your partner - a person will not change until he wants it himself.
Answer yourself the question of how long you are willing to tolerate if your partner does not change.
Think about your goals and desires in this life and how to realize them.
Talk to your pain, imagine where it is inside you, what its shape and color are.
Observe your feelings as if from the outside, as if it were not you who felt it.
Try to honestly answer yourself what exactly is wrong with your life, and when answering, try not to get attached to your partner and your relationship.
Redirect your efforts from your partner's life to your own life.

Like most psychologists, the author of the recommendations advises not to focus on the problem, not to try to cope with the situation solely on your own, but to seek help from a specialist [E. Shundikova, 2017].

I think you now have some idea about codependent relationships. And if you recognize yourself in them (or simply want to learn how to communicate better), we are waiting for you in our “Building Relationships” and “Best Communication Techniques” programs. If you're doing well, these programs will still be useful to you.

We wish you to be self-confident and self-sufficient people!

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Sue Johnson, The Feeling of Love. A New Scientific Approach to Romantic Relationships"
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Key words:1Relationships

What is a dependent relationship?

Let's start with a few examples.

Have you heard about “mad love” that forgives everything? “He beats me, but I still won’t leave him, because I love him very much” - this is not love, this is dependence on love.

Does it make sense to repeat about the families of alcoholics? “I can’t leave him, he’ll be lost without me” - this is not love, but dependence on pity or a sense of self-importance (by constantly saving his other half from alcohol, a healthy partner feels needed and important).

Important

Codependent relationships occur not only in a man-woman couple, they can also take place between relatives, friends or work colleagues.

Do you have friends who only remember you exist when they need something from you and you can’t refuse? Or colleagues for whom you regularly have to do their work, but you cannot “get them off your back”? Or relatives who constantly teach you how to live, but you cannot contradict? These are all dependent relationships that destroy your personality.

Look at your relationship with a certain Object (let's call it that). How to understand that a relationship is dependent? An unhealthy relationship has its own signs:

Inexplicable discomfort in the absence of the Object. When the Object is not around, you feel somehow uneasy, you cannot concentrate on your business, you experience causeless anxiety, you feel “on pins and needles”, there is a feeling that something is missing, that something is wrong.
90% of the time your thoughts are occupied with the Object. It doesn’t matter what exactly you think about, but it’s connected to him: from “where is he now” and “what is he doing”, to memories of old grievances and dreams of how things could have been different.
You feel sorry for the Object. “I would kick him out, but he has nowhere to go,” “Alcoholism is a disease; he is sick, he needs my help”... In a word, it’s a pity, because without you he will “disappear.”
Relationships resemble a pendulum: now passionate love until the grave, now a cruel scandal before a fight - and so on in a circle, from one extreme to another.
You consider it necessary to remake the Object, teach it to live “correctly”. Or they remake you and teach you how to live. The relationship between Teacher and Student is always codependent.
Severing relations with the Object is equivalent to death. Thoughts about breaking up a relationship cause panic and negative reactions on a physical level (breaks into a sweat, blood pressure rises, the heart beats faster, weakness in the legs, dizziness, and so on).

Important

Codependency, like alcoholism and drug addiction, is a disease that needs to be treated! There is no use waiting for it to “go away on its own”!