All-consuming, sacrificial love is traditionally romanticized - strong dependence on another being, despite all the painful sensations, seems to elevate a person above the everyday world, making him a dramatic hero and giving his life meaning and poignancy. But from the point of view of psychologists, long-term attachment at the level of “the whole world revolves around a loved one” is a sure sign of relationship pathology. This condition—experts call it codependency—is akin to drug addiction: it distorts perception, breaks personality boundaries, and destroys life. T&P talks about the causes of codependency, how to treat it, and who is at risk.
Previously, it was generally accepted that codependency appeared only in those whose loved ones suffered from alcoholism or drug addiction: say, a husband or wife drinks, and his or her partner suffers from the situation, but does not seek to get out of it or protect himself, voluntarily becoming dependent on other people's actions (or strives, but only nominally).
However, today we know that this pathology occurs in other cases. For it to arise between two people, they both must be prone to addictions: food, love, chemical and others. If this condition is met, a specific system of relations arises in which the participants literally cannot live without each other and have a huge influence on each other. Interpersonal boundaries suffer or are erased, a person’s inner world turns out to be too vulnerable in the face of external influences, and this negatively affects his life. Codependency is still not a recognized mental illness (despite being proposed for inclusion in the DSM back in 1987), but it is mind-altering in some ways. Patients say that subjectively this condition resembles a planetary system with a displaced center, as if, as a result of a terrible mistake, celestial bodies, including the star itself, suddenly began to revolve around one of the planets, blindly bumping into each other. The main element of the universe for a codependent becomes another person, who receives the role of a determining factor in everything: mood, well-being, self-esteem, plans, self-confidence and tomorrow. It colors all circumstances, facts, time and space, affects heart rate and blood pressure, the absence or presence of manifestations of neurosis, and labor productivity. It is constantly present, even when communication with the “drug” stops for a while. A person experiences strong feelings towards this great Other: intense love, desperate joy, unbearable pain of loss, terrible bitterness and no less terrible anger. It is difficult to get out of such a state and start living a normal life, and then not falling into depression or a new dependence on a person or something else is doubly difficult. Often it is impossible to cope without the help of a psychotherapist, although experts say that there are also cases when, with proper awareness, people can cope on their own.
Love addict and avoidance addict: who builds codependent relationships
Some psychotherapists who specialize in working with codependency perceive it more as a healing process than as a disease: after all, if this condition really arises due to problems at the separation stage, then the goal is to complete this stage, and the merging situation is repeated until until you find a way to “separate” in the end.
A person prone to love addiction usually searches and finds, while sick, specific partners with whom the desired scenario can be realized - avoidant addicts. The avoidant addict shuns closeness and intimate contact, but at the same time fears loneliness, although he does not realize this. Psychotherapists say that avoidance addicts and friend-to-friend love addicts are very similar: both simultaneously experience fear of abandonment and fear of intimacy. The difference lies in which fear is recognized: in the case of a love addict, only the first fear captures the focus of attention, and in the case of an avoidance addict, only the second. This allows the love addict to behave in such a way that, while wanting intimate contact, he does not receive it, and the avoidance addict does not allow intimacy, but at the same time keeps his partner close.
At the same time, codependency most easily develops against the background of a long stay in a stressful situation, when suppressive rules are used that do not allow one to openly express one’s feelings and directly discuss personal and interpersonal problems.
Signs of a codependent relationship
- Suffering if the object of dependence is not nearby. The person feels inexplicable anxiety and cannot concentrate on anything. He always somehow feels uneasy if there is no one nearby on whom he depends.
- Obsessive thoughts. 90% of the time a person gets stuck in ideas of how everything should be in a relationship with the object of addiction, or remembers past grievances.
- Pity instead of love. “He will be lost without me, it’s a pity to leave him as he is,” are typical thoughts of a codependent.
- Emotional intensity. Relationships are like a seesaw. Euphoria and calm are inevitably followed by a scandal.
- The desire to save and remake. The codependent is haunted by the desire to guide others on the right path and save them from themselves. All actions are aimed at solving the problems of others.
- Association of relationship loss with death. The thought of losing a relationship causes cold sweat, the ground disappears from under your feet, and you feel physically ill.
Playing Rescuer: A Codependency Scenario
From the inside, the state of codependency looks like painful chaos, but in fact it has clear rules and psychological roles. In their relationships, dependent people move within the so-called “Karpman triangle”. In this model of interactions there are three positions: Victim, Persecutor and Savior, which are tightly interconnected and constantly replace each other. According to the rules, the Victim provokes those around them so that someone or something will act as the Persecutor, or the Persecutor finds someone who is guilty of something and begins to put pressure on this Victim: blame, demand, punish. Regardless of who or what is in the position of the aggressor, the Victim quickly manages to prove that she is not to blame for anything, and that the cause of all troubles is other people, circumstances, or even the Persecutor himself. She shows how much she suffers and how helpless she feels, and begins to look for a Savior who will protect her. The Savior tries to help the Victim, but since this is only a game of rescue, nothing works out for him. The Victim accuses the Savior of the failure of his efforts, after which he himself turns into a Victim, and the Victim becomes a Persecutor, and everything repeats again.
Two players can move around the Karpman triangle, switching from role to role, indefinitely. The Victim is also capable of turning into a Savior, the Savior can switch to persecution or try to get out of the situation (for which he himself will be punished), and the Persecutor can suddenly become a Victim.
How to get out of a codependent relationship?
It can be quite difficult without professional help. Because leaving (or thoughts about it) brings unbearable mental pain, and melancholy drives you back. However, in the first stages of codependency, there is a chance to pull yourself out of the swamp on your own.
What to do for this:
1. Kill hope for change. If you have repeatedly told a person that you feel bad in a relationship, you have talked, begged, but nothing has changed - leave. There is no mental-karmic connection between you. True love develops, and does not drag you into a swamp.
A person will not change until he wants it himself. Since your attempts were not successful, it means that the desire to change has not appeared in him. How much longer are you willing to endure?
2. Look for new meanings. In order not to fall into another addiction (food, alcohol, gaming), look for new meanings. You should have a strong image of the future in your head.
Think about your desires in different areas. For example, you can imagine that your life is islands: work, friends, parents, sports and creativity. If you cross out one island with a current relationship, the rest will not go underground. Think about how you can improve them.
3. Don't run from pain. And talk to her. Imagine what that feeling is like. Where is it inside you? What color and shape is it? Creating a metaphorical image reduces tension and helps you realize that you are not your feelings. They can be observed and changed.
As presented, think about what you want to experience instead of pain and how you can get the desired state without the help of other people.
4. Ask yourself: what's wrong with my life? A person becomes dependent when he is not satisfied with what is happening. Instead of solving everyday problems and realizing his potential, he puts effort into taking someone else's life, and pours his own into a ravine.
The question “What’s so bad happened in my life that I’m wasting it so mediocrely?” will help you return to reality.
Merger and separation: causes of codependency
Why do people get into and stay in the Karpman Triangle? It is believed that this occurs due to disturbances in the process of transition from merging with the mother to separation from her in early childhood. Today it is believed that from the moment of birth until the age of two or three, a child does not recognize himself as a separate being. However, over time, based on trust and a sense of security, a desire to explore the world and psychological independence from mom arises. The child begins to rely on his own inner strength, independently evaluate himself and declare himself, and not wait for someone else to tell him what he deserves and is worth. This allows him to learn to take responsibility for his words and actions, interact with others, express his feelings, restrain aggression, overcome fear and be sober about the authority of others. If the separation process is not completed or goes wrong, the child’s own “I” turns out to be unclear, and the boundaries of the personality remain permeable.
In modern society, separation for one reason or another does not end for many people. The environment at home has its influence, as well as many social systems built on the dependence of some people on others: the outdated mechanism of relations between the “weaker” and “stronger” sex, the practice of suppression, punishment and domination adopted in some educational systems (including Russia), the structure of relations in the labor, commercial, and government spheres, where a more advantageous position is occupied by certain groups of people who determine the way of life of others. From the point of view of psychotherapy, most of the social systems of relations today in one way or another incline people to codependency. As a result, “sick” relationships often arise between people, which can only be improved through two- or multilateral conscious work.
Signs of codependency
Codependents consider it their duty to patronize, pity and save. They do not allow events to develop naturally and want to control everything around them.
Codependents believe that loved ones should behave according to the scenario they have invented. They have low self-esteem, are hypersensitive to criticism, vulnerable and unhappy.
Out of desperation they resort to shouting, threats, and insults towards the addict. Attempts at control fail and contribute to the progression of the disease in a loved one.
Codependency is indicated by the following signs:
- A codependent mother or wife is set up for total control: she tries to manage the patient’s money, isolate him from unnecessary friends, and constantly calls him at work. As a result, the patient becomes increasingly incapable of making his own decisions and irresponsible.
- Codependents tolerate drunken antics, scandals of the patient, and do not contact the police.
- They tend to deny the problem, live in a world of illusions, hope that today they came drunk, but tomorrow everything will be fine.
- They consider themselves guilty of a relative’s addiction to drinking, become depressed, and think about suicide.
- They ignore their own vital needs, stop taking care of themselves, are ready to completely abandon themselves, and satisfy only other people’s desires and needs.
- The family falls into isolation - they don’t go anywhere or invite people over, they are ashamed of themselves and the behavior of their loved one.
- Constantly uses the word “we”, “us”, and not “he”, “him”, “I”.
- Codependents are constantly in a state of heightened anxiety, experiencing forebodings and fear, even in the absence of reasons for worry. They subconsciously expect that a relative will come drunk.
- In addition to anxiety and fear, they often experience indignation and rage.
- Quarrels are accompanied by violent manifestations of emotions, threats, lectures, and demonstrative destruction of alcohol.
- Accepting the role of a victim, self-pity, endless stories about a difficult life with an alcoholic. At the same time, she is not going to leave him, she wants to be a rescuer and feel needed.
Cloud of black smoke: living with codependency
Codependency is not a diagnosis from the field of psychiatry and yet it has a catastrophic effect on life. It leads to the destruction of social connections and depression with all the ensuing consequences. A codependent person who suffers from depression (like any other person who suffers from it) is in an altered state of consciousness - and its mechanics are incomprehensible from the outside. The logic of actions in this case is determined not by a sense of self-preservation, a strategy for success in life, psychological defense mechanisms and other natural things, but by pathological patterns of relationships and the state of humiliation and complete lack of prospects in which such people often find themselves.
However, both depression and codependency can be managed. Psychotherapy allows you to resolve these issues; Self-education, support from loved ones and friends, joint analysis of the current situation and a conscious attitude to circumstances help, even if it is not easy to form in the beginning.
The first and most important thing that a person with such a diagnosis should know is that codependency is no one’s fault. It always arises between at least two people, which means that one cannot be blamed for creating such a relationship. This alone destroys the Karpman triangle and takes its participants from the positions of the helpless Victim, the angry Persecutor and the heroic Savior to the positions of equal people who simply find themselves in a difficult situation.
Examples of codependent relationships
A classic example is the wife of an alcoholic. She saves him, forbids him to drink, controls him, catches him out of the dens, pours him at home, so as not to get a “dose” on the street. In general, he does everything to avoid responsibility and not live his own life.
The mother, who from year to year tries to instill in her unlucky daughter how to live correctly, covers up her immaturity and reluctance to change anything.
Codependent relationships occur not only in couples or with close relatives. They can be between friends and colleagues.
All examples have one thing in common - a codependent person does not want to take care of his life.
What is codependency?
Family members who live for a long time next to an alcoholic or drug addict inevitably find themselves in a codependent state with him, characterized by strong preoccupation and preoccupation with the drug addict.
The concept of codependency itself consists of two components. The preposition co-indicates jointness; dependence is a loss of freedom, slavery.
Codependency is a special condition characterized by intense preoccupation and preoccupation. Alcohol or drug codependency is characterized by emotional, social and even physical dependence on the patient. Codependent people are prone to self-deception and delusions. They are so concerned about the state of the drug addict or alcoholic that they forget about their own interests and lose their own personality.
Codependent people experience:
- the need to patronize, be indignant, create scandals,
- strive to suppress the addict;
- feelings of self-pity, irritation, anger.
They have problems communicating with other people, including in the intimate area. They do not know how to differentiate between responsibilities and are ready to be responsible not only for themselves, but also for the codependent. Due to constant stress and nervousness, the codependent’s health is destroyed. Low self-esteem appears, even to the point of self-hatred.
