What you need to know about passive aggression and how to deal with it?

Have you noticed how some people seem to behave civilly, but really irritate you and literally drive you crazy? You may be experiencing passive-aggressive behavior. Unfortunately, this is a common phenomenon in modern society. We'll tell you how to resist this and stay calm.

Passive aggression is a behavior in which a person holds back anger, but it still manifests itself covertly. For example, the interlocutor is angry with you, but does not want to “sort things out.” His anger can result in silence, bad mood, and “random” offensive jokes. When anger is constantly suppressed, its consequences are more destructive than in the case of open conflict. Both for the person himself and for those around him. Passive aggression may not be obvious, so you need to know the signs. In the article we will look at them in detail.

What is passive aggression?

In simple terms, this is a situation when the interlocutor does not seem to say or do anything wrong, but drives you to white heat. For example, he ignores, forgets about requests, says that everything is fine, but at the same time there is no face on him. It’s as if he specifically wants to piss him off. This is true. The interlocutor really “attacks” you, but does it in a veiled way. This is passive aggression.

It must be able to identify and neutralize it. This way you can reduce your stress level and not lose your composure in difficult situations. In particular, in negotiations with clients.

Sometimes you have to limit communication. For example, you can learn which people you shouldn’t let into your life in a free course in Netology on the basics of psychology.

Why is passive aggression dangerous?

Passive aggression at work is very harmful. Decision making is inhibited. Good and constructive proposals do not find a response. An unfriendly atmosphere of gossip and behind-the-scenes games is being formed, in which everyone is uncomfortable.

Causes of passive-aggressive personality disorder

According to most modern researchers, in most cases, the roots of the problem originate in childhood. Analysis of data from various groups of subjects, depending on age, gender, race, nationality and social status, did not reveal a pronounced correlation and the indicator varied depending on the research methods used. At the same time, there is an unambiguous connection with a violation of the incentive system in early childhood. Most often this happens in dysfunctional families, where the child does not feel safe enough to freely express disappointment, anger and other feelings.

The same applies to overly conservative families, where the role of the dominant head of the family is clearly expressed and physical and psychological punishment is actively practiced. In such conditions, honest expression of feelings is prohibited, and children unknowingly learn to suppress and deny their emotions, using other channels to express resentment and disappointment. Not finding opportunities for natural release, the child over time begins to consider them the norm and in the process of growing up they become a kind of cliché by which a personality is formed.

Why do people behave this way?

There are several reasons for passive aggression:

• Conflicts are not encouraged by society. From childhood, parents teach children that shouting, swearing, or simply raising your voice is bad. You can't "start first." Growing up, a person does not allow himself to openly show anger.
• In general, few people like to openly conflict. This is unpleasant and requires a lot of emotional investment and self-confidence.
• Another common reason for passive aggression is the inability to emerge victorious from an open conflict. There are many such situations. Conversation with a leader who is not ready to accept alternative points of view. Communication with very conservative relatives. And other situations when showing emotions is unacceptable, but this does not make them disappear.
• Sometimes it's a way to get attention.

Prognosis and possible complications

In general, with adequate treatment, the prognosis is quite good. If a person has been able to open up and understand the causes of the problem, supportive psychotherapy usually brings excellent results. Of course, being established in early childhood, this personality disorder, as a rule, persists for a very long time. But with the patient’s constant volitional efforts to overcome it, it can “burn out” with therapy and be replaced by positive life experiences.

However, there is such a thing as individual tolerance, on which the success of the entire event greatly depends. Even if a positive result seems stable, a person may not fully accept new ideas and teeter on the edge. The “dominant thought basis” is too deeply ingrained in his personality, so even the slightest push is enough for such a person to fall back into a state of chaos and dissatisfaction. Often complications arise when there is an imaginary or real lack of stability in life. This applies to any area: social, professional, spiritual, legal, financial, etc. Also, complications can arise when the patient weakens control over negative thoughts, and the immediate environment does not pay attention to this and indulges his behavior or, on the contrary, expresses strong opposition . After all, the key component of psychotherapy is precisely the gentle opposition to negative ideas.

Signs of Passive-Aggressive Behavior

These situations (one or more) must arise systematically. Rare and isolated cases do not count.

• The person does not explain what he wants, what he is dissatisfied with. Expects the interlocutor to figure it out himself. Doesn't talk about his feelings and desires.
• He often gets offended, “sulks”, “does not talk.” Constant games of silence are a clear sign of passive aggression.
• In words he never refuses help, but in reality he often forgets about promises.
• He avoids open conflict and “showdown” with all his might.
• Tends to put pressure on pity and guilt.
• Abdicates responsibility and blames other people for problems.
• He is sarcastic, makes unpleasant jokes, and in response to indignation he declares that the interlocutor has no sense of humor.
• Can be gloomy without explanation.
• Shows incomprehensible stubbornness (as if he insists on his own with one goal - to piss off his interlocutor).
• Often dissatisfied with everything and everyone. Criticism is a typical example of passive aggression.
• Cares excessively and obsessively about others, “does good,” and interferes in other people’s affairs.
• It may be unsightly to act in secret (spread gossip and rumors, weave intrigues).
• At work: the manager does not clearly explain what needs to be done, and is always dissatisfied with the result of the work.

Classification of passive-aggressive personality types

Since much attention has been paid to this problem in the last two decades, today a more or less accurate classification of “negativist” or “passive-aggressive” personality types has already been compiled. For example, the famous American psychologist Theodore Millon identified four separate subtypes of this disorder:

A detailed classification into categories, proposed by the American professor Preston Ni from the University of California, is also popular. His studies of interpersonal effectiveness, professional communication, as well as intercultural understanding and organizational change led him to focus on this issue. In total, he identifies ten general categories that people with passive-aggressive disorder fit into, and he believes that most exhibit at least a few of these on a regular basis.

1. General verbal hostility
   .
   Examples
   : spreading gossip; unfounded criticism of others; non-recognition of generally accepted rules and norms; condescending treatment of adults as if they were children.

What guides

: Humiliating others helps you feel dominant. Inflicting moral suffering on others and depriving them of emotional balance is done to alleviate one's own lack of peace and security. The main desire is to support your false sense of importance by criticizing others and making everyone suffer “for the company.” In the family, this is expressed in the form of competition for power over household members and complete control in relationships.

1. Ridicule. Examples
   : sarcasm, making hostile jokes towards others, teasing people to the point of making them angry. A characteristic feature is the need to humiliate a person as much as possible, avoiding open conflict and showdown, citing “just kidding.”

What guides

: Taking out one's own hidden anger and discomfort on a suitable victim. The main desire is to marginalize someone else's human dignity and authority to one's own level.

1. General disguised hostility
   .
   Examples
   : demonstration of disdain and resentment towards people, sullenness, desire to cause emotional pain by reproaching or ignoring.

What guides

: an attempt to compensate for one’s internal insecurity by deliberately creating a negative emotional background in the immediate environment and unbalancing people.

1. Psychological manipulation
   .
   Examples
   : duplicity, pathological tendency to intrigue, the desire to deliberately set a person up at any opportunity (for the sake of pleasure and often without any benefit for oneself), ostentatious sacrifice, twisting the same information in a conversation with different people, disclosing or concealing important facts depending on the situation. The characteristic feature is pretense and a strong desire to protect oneself from discovery.

What guides

: redirecting attention away from one’s own problems through endless interference in someone else’s life through intrigue and deception. Achieving a false sense of superiority by manipulating other people.

1. Bullying
   .
   Examples
   : unfounded accusations against someone else with an attempt to find the victim’s most vulnerable spot and cause her maximum mental pain.

What guides

: achieving a false sense of happiness and self-worth against the backdrop of the suffering of others.

1. Sabotage and blaming others
   .
   Examples
   : ostentatious slowness, lethargy, forgetfulness, “dullness”; the desire to create maximum red tape around oneself and upset as many other people’s plans as possible. The need is pathological and forces a person to act even without any personal gain.

What guides

: creating the illusion of self-importance and authority; the desire to put everyone in a position dependent on oneself in order to block the success of other people. Often experiences burning envy towards those who are more successful, which is expressed in unfounded accusations and harsh groundless criticism.

1. Automatic counteraction
   .
   Examples
   : stubborn intractability, rigidity, inefficiency, a tendency to complicate things, a habit of leaving any task unfinished, attempts to sabotage the work of others.

What guides

: compensation for one’s own insolvency. In this case, “victory” is achieved through the disappointment and negative emotions of the victim.

1. Behind-the-scenes sabotage
   .
   Examples
   : failure to complete any tasks, projects and activities; causing material losses or allowing overexpenditure of resources; pathological sabotage; destruction of well-established work and personal connections of surrounding people; deliberate dissemination of harmful information.

What guides

: obtaining moral satisfaction through revenge and “punishment” of other people; achieving emotional pleasure from observing the results of one’s “labor.”

1. Ostentatious sacrifice
   .
   Examples
   : exaggerating the importance of personal issues; manipulation of one's own health; deliberately inventing imaginary problems in order to tie the victim to oneself and enjoy her sympathy and favor; taking on the role of a martyr who sacrificed his well-being for the sake of others (usually with the reproach that this sacrifice was not appreciated).

What guides

: the desire to take advantage of the goodwill and care of the recipient and evoke a strong emotional attachment on his part in order to carry out manipulation.

1. Self-flagellation
   .
   Examples
   : deliberately creating a situation in which victim status could be achieved; groundless reproaches and reproaches; self-harm and suicide blackmail.

What guides

: the desire to intimidate or cause suffering to emotionally dependent people by causing harm to oneself. Love of creating drama to focus attention around oneself.

However, according to the professor, the latter symptom itself cannot be considered as a separate symptom of the disorder, since it can also be a kind of cry for help, being evidence of other mental illnesses.

Examples of words and phrases that are used

- What's happened? – Nothing (sighs sadly and turns away).

- What do you want? – I don’t need anything, I want everything to be fine with you (or – peace in the whole world, nothing, or silence in response).

– I was just joking, where is your sense of humor?

– I could (could) understand it myself.

– What a pale child you have, he probably doesn’t walk outside much. In general, all unsolicited and inappropriate advice is a classic example of passive aggression.

“Everything here is mine, nothing is yours.”

– This dress suits you so well, it makes you look slimmer!

“When you give birth, you’ll also get a short haircut, after pregnancy everyone’s hair thins.”

“You always know what’s best, so tell me what to do.”

- Turn down the TV, I'm going to bed. - Maybe I should leave altogether?

“I’ll come and do the cleaning for you, you don’t have time.” – Thank you, don’t worry, I’ll clean it up this weekend. – Are you going to sit in the dirt until the weekend? Wait tomorrow and take off the curtains in advance, I’ll wash the windows.

– But my friend’s son... Comparison with others (not in your favor) is a common example of passive aggression.

– I took second place in the project competition! - Why not the first? (Another answer: “You took the place, but why did you put on a sock with holes in it, and when are you going to take the dog for a walk?”)

- Oh, my cheeky one! (fat, thin, stupid, bald, etc.)

– Do as you see fit, it doesn’t matter to me.

“You’ll be completely lost without me.”

Such phrases always leave an unpleasant aftertaste, irritation, and a feeling of being “wrong” or guilty.

How to deal with passive aggression in others?

With loved ones:

• Say directly that you don’t like the behavior or statements. Be specific - say exactly what words and actions upset you. Use “I messages” (I feel bad that you..., I wish you would...) Talk only about what is happening at the moment, do not bring up old grievances.
• If a person does not make contact - refuses to talk about himself, in every possible way moves the conversation to another topic, simply remains silent, you may not continue the conversation. Calmly explain that you don’t want to communicate in this way because you don’t understand what your partner needs.
• It is important to respond appropriately to passive aggression. Keep calm. Don’t “attack”, don’t blame, but don’t make excuses yourself, as this will lead to a new round of conflict. Often, a passive aggressor suffers from low self-esteem. Disrespect and accusation will hit the patient, and the person will close down even more.
• Be direct and honest.
• It happens that a person secretly insults you, and then says that he was just joking, and you are exaggerating and do not understand jokes. In this case, answer that the interlocutor cannot “get into your shoes” and understand whether you are “overreacting” or not.
• Repel all attempts to shift responsibility for making decisions onto you. Let your loved one make their own choice and be aware of it. If you make a decision for a person, there is a high risk that he will remain dissatisfied and you will be to blame.
• Don't turn a blind eye to this behavior. If it manifests itself systematically, it is no longer an accident. And the intensity of passions will only increase.
• Often people don’t even know what passive aggression means, and they don’t realize that their behavior offends loved ones. If they value your relationship with you, they may listen to you and try to change their behavior.

At work:

• If a manager or client behaves this way, try to save face. Make a poker face. Don't attack or make excuses. But in general, it is difficult to work under the leadership of such people.
• If difficulties arise with a colleague, try to minimize interaction with him as much as possible.

Treatment of Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder

The difficulty in treating disorders of this group is that in most cases people are simply unable to obtain pleasure and moral satisfaction in other ways. The normal system of incentives does not work in this case, so the main program comes down to psychotherapy and psychoanalysis, during which the patient is taught to isolate “harmful” thoughts and stimuli for their conscious replacement with “useful” ones.

According to the results of clinical observations, the following set of automatic attitudes and thoughts are most often typical of passive-aggressive disorders:

• “they don’t dare tell me what to do”;
• “I will only do as I want”;
• “I will do everything to spite them”;
• “no one is grateful for the work I have done”;
• “everyone around is just using me”;
• “I will never be able to achieve real success”;
• “people don’t want to understand me”;
• “my life is unhappy, and nothing can be done about it”;
• “I won’t succeed anyway”;
• “being honest and frank is weakness”;
• “People around me want to limit and suppress my personality.”

The therapist finds out exactly what pathological thoughts and stimuli operate in a person on an “automatic” level and teaches him to consciously block them. The course of treatment, as a rule, lasts at least one year, and during this time the doctor and the patient go from the stage of awareness of the causes and consequences of such behavior to the development of methods of gentle confrontation. The best results can be achieved if the immediate environment also participates in the process and gently but decisively stops indulging the patient’s weaknesses, using the substitution patterns created by the therapist. In especially advanced cases, it is possible to eliminate acute symptoms (depression, anxiety, outbursts of anger) with medication, after which traditional therapy is carried out.

How to get rid of passive aggression in yourself?

• Learn to speak directly about your feelings, emotions, desires. Don't wait for someone to figure out what you want. To do this, you need to be aware of your experiences. In a passive-aggressive person, they are often blocked and not realized. Learn to listen to yourself.
• Don't accumulate dissatisfaction. If you don’t like something, immediately think about what you can do right now to change the situation.
• Let off steam regularly. Play sports, have a hobby, go for a walk, get some sleep - the activity after which you feel rested will do.
• Don't make assumptions for other people.
• Learn to quarrel (conflict) constructively. Give yourself the mindset that conflict is an opportunity to find a solution, a compromise. Calmly and clearly explain your position, avoiding value judgments.
• Try to negotiate with people more often and cooperate. Don't carry everything on yourself, but don't try to transfer all the load to your partner.

It is also worth understanding yourself. The Netology website has a free course on the basics of psychology. It helps you understand how to build relationships with other people, manage your life and achieve success. You can go through it via the Internet.

Passive aggression is very common, but if you know how to work with it, it ceases to be a problem.

Author: Valentina (KadrofID: 13) Added: 06/22/2021 at 16:42

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When was passive-aggressive personality disorder first diagnosed?

It was first described as a clinical case by Colonel William Menninger during World War II. He noted a peculiar deviation in some men that undermined their military fitness. Menninger pointed out the behavior of the soldiers that was clearly defiant, but not contrary to direct orders. It was expressed by “passive resistance,” such as deliberate slowness, failure to understand orders, making mistakes, general inefficiency, and passive obstruction. The colonel himself did not identify the disorder as a separate ailment and explained it by “personal immaturity” and a reaction to military stress.

For the first time, the classification of passive-aggressive personality disorder as a separate group of disorders was discussed back in the 50s of the last century, and this problem was widely discussed in the late 80s and early 90s, when, thanks to the capabilities of the World Wide Web, the massive prevalence of such a disorder was noted. communication behavior of Internet users. And although not all emails, notes and messages with characteristic content indicate that their authors have this problem, sociological and clinical studies have shown that ~96-98% of individuals belonging to the passive-aggressive personality type implement their usual behavior and in network communication.