My 6 year old son doesn’t obey and fights in kindergarten

Content

• Essence and features
• Causes
• Symptoms of crisis in a 7 year old child
• Duration
• How to cope: advice to parents from psychologists
• Consequences

Each leap in physical and psychological growth in children is accompanied by a special transition period - a crisis.
At seven years old, the child reaches the next stage of development. A preschooler becomes a schoolchild, and his social status changes. New responsibilities appear, adults begin to make other demands, and the daily routine becomes different. The psyche experiences a shock, which is accompanied by worries, a change in habitual behavior, and difficulties with communication. Therefore, in developmental psychology, children have a crisis of 7 years. When games change to active learning, the social circle changes and a different social role is formed, the child becomes disobedient, stubborn, and irritable. Signs of a mental crisis can appear between the ages of five and eight years. To help correctly overcome this difficult stage and take a new social position, parents must recognize the crisis in time and respond to it correctly.

The child does not obey for 2 years: reasons

Let's look at the main reasons why a child may not respond to speech addressed to him. They are divided into socio-psychological and physiological.

The first group of factors includes the following reasons.

• No need for speech. This can happen in two opposite situations. Firstly, when parents hardly talk to the child, he spends a lot of time in front of the TV or computer - there is simply no one to communicate with. Secondly, when parents try to say everything for the child, predict his wishes by gestures and sounds, formulate simple questions that can be answered “yes/no” - then the baby simply has no need to react to speech.
• Prolonged lisp. During the first year of a child’s life, it is difficult to refuse diminutive words and their deliberate distortion. But, as soon as the baby begins to actively develop the speech apparatus, you need to forget about this manner of speech. At this time, the child is a sponge that absorbs the communication habits of its parents. The way you communicate with your baby will subsequently become ingrained in his mind as a standard. Consequently, the child will perceive ordinary, everyday speech incorrectly. Hence the incorrect or absent reaction.
• Unfavorable family environment (single-parent family, absent parents, antisocial parents), constant parental scandals.
• The nature of the speech of parents and the environment. If the speech of adults around the child is fluent, fast, and unclear, children are not able to understand it.
• Excessive demands on the child. A baby's brain develops gradually. Forcing this process can have the opposite effect, that is, lead to failure. Remember: the standards of speech and mental development are an average indicator. Deviation from them is not necessarily a problem. What can we say if Einstein himself did not speak at all until he was 4 years old!

If your baby is a little behind in some areas, you don’t need to spend days teaching him words and sentences. Don't constantly ask him to repeat anything. And under no circumstances should you yell at your child if something doesn’t work out for him. If there is a lag, take the young patient to a specialist. In the absence of pathologies, allow the brain to develop gradually.

• Bilingual family. For a child to learn the basics of one language is already a serious challenge. A bilingual family is a double burden. The languages ​​don't have to be very different. For example, a problem can be created by communication of one parent in Ukrainian, and the other in Russian. Make sure your child learns the basics of one language first.

Physiological reasons for ignoring addressed speech include:

• severe infections and trauma (including psycho-emotional trauma) suffered by a child at an early age. The main threat is brain injury both during childbirth and in infancy. Damage to certain parts of the cerebral cortex can lead to the development of alalia, that is, a failure in the development of speech centers. Such children have normal hearing and intellectual potential, but they are not able to learn words and, accordingly, respond to them correctly. Among infections, the greatest danger is meningoencephalitis, meningitis, inflammation of the inner and middle ear;
• poorly developed muscles of the face and mouth, congenital abnormalities of the speech apparatus. Disturbances in muscle development prevent the child from learning speech normally. Consequently, problems arise in its perception. By the way, prolonged sucking of the pacifier can lead to improper development of muscles and bite. There is no need to wean your baby before the age of 1, but after this period we recommend that you think about this step. The individual characteristics of the child are important here: consult a specialist;
• neuropathic disorders. They can be caused by difficult childbirth, heredity, or poor development of certain brain centers. Children who do not respond to speech are often diagnosed with minimal brain dysfunction. If the problem is identified in time, it can be solved. Different types of neuroses lead to the appearance of pathology. For example, adverse events and pressure on a child can lead to withdrawal. The baby may develop a real phobia. Neurasthenia doubles the load on the child’s nervous system. In this state, he perceives psychological stress many times more difficult. Be that as it may, you need to see a doctor, because there is a risk of “triggering” the pathology;
• delayed psycho-speech development.

It is worth talking in more detail about delayed psycho-speech development. It is important not to miss the symptoms of this pathology. They are:

• limited vocabulary (the average 2-year-old child should know 150-300 words);
• reluctance to make verbal contact even with relatives;
• the child speaks too slowly or, conversely, quickly, “swallowing” the endings of words;
• cannot repeat a phrase after an adult.

Normally, the formation of speech in a child goes through several stages: screaming, humming, babbling, and already from 11-12 months the baby begins to pronounce the first words. By 1.5 years, the vocabulary increases to 40-70 words, and at 2 years, the baby, as we have already said, uses from 150 to 300 words.

Of course, each child develops individually, and there may be minor delays in the development of speech functions, which are not a deviation, but depend solely on the child himself, his temperament and heredity. But if your child does not listen, does not understand, does not respond to your requests and appeals, or has completely missed the previous stages of speech formation, this may indicate a delay in psychospeech development (DSRD).

We described in more detail why a child does not speak at 2 years old in this article.

Essence and features

The main characteristic of the psychological crisis of the 7th year of life is the rapid acquisition of new features that are characteristic of adults. The baby’s psyche loses its naivety and openness, and the inner world becomes more complex. He learns to analyze the actions of others and their reasons, begins to think about his words, and can hide the real motives of his own actions.

The transition from preschool to school age requires a child to take completely new actions: finding his place among classmates, adapting to an unusual social circle. A new schoolchild compares his successes with the achievements of other children, comes to terms with the loss of leadership positions, finds his strengths and weaknesses, and for the first time encounters criticism, competition and even ridicule. This is a blow to children's self-esteem, which not every child can withstand.

The child has to grow up quickly, since in many new situations he can only rely on himself. To do this, you need to quickly develop independence and learn to make decisions. To cope with new tasks, the body rapidly gains strength, endurance, and coordination.

Due to the specifics of upbringing, boys and girls experience the crisis period differently :

• The 7-year-old crisis in boys manifests itself in restlessness, lack of concentration, and an excessive sense of competition. They need to get out their energy, so classes and homework seem like an insurmountable obstacle for them. You need a clear daily routine, discipline, and sports that will help train endurance and expend energy.
• The crisis of 7 years in girls is expressed in aggression, which manifests itself in the home environment. Girls are often excellent students and the pride of the class, but when alone with their parents they show accumulated irritability, which results in hysterics. The reason lies in the burden of responsibilities that are difficult for the child to cope with. Parents need to show maximum attention to the girl’s life, have a heart-to-heart talk, discuss her feelings and emotions.

What do parents notice?

Almost all adults are familiar with the following situations:

• instead of fulfilling the request “come”, the baby turned around and ran away;
• the child categorically refuses to share sweets and toys with others;
• ignoring requests from the baby;
• refusing even your favorite dishes with the words “I don’t want”;
• display of stubbornness while getting ready for a walk.

One child may be more capricious, while others show character only under certain circumstances. There is no point in fighting with children, as your efforts may disrupt the natural course of things. If you use harsh methods, the baby may become uninitiative, indecisive, and lose his individuality.

Causes

It is no coincidence that the crisis period for seven-year-olds coincides with school adaptation. Internal changes in the psyche are mainly caused by a change in the child’s social role, new types of activities and responsibilities. In general, the causes of the crisis can be divided into three groups:

• Acceptance of a new social role. The child takes an important social role and becomes a schoolchild. Along with the role, he also takes on new responsibilities: studying, sitting through lessons, following a routine, doing homework. At the same time, the baby becomes a classmate, a participant in joint learning and games, friendship, sympathy, and competition. Demands on him are growing, and he, in turn, begins to make claims to others.
• Loss of childish spontaneity. The immediate situational reactions that are typical for children are quickly lost due to the need to take on a new social role. Therefore, the attributes of “adulthood” suddenly appear: independence, decision-making, assessment of situations. The reasons for a child’s actions are not always clear; actions may seem illogical, since he hides their motives.
• Awareness of internal experiences. The baby begins to become aware of his inner self and explore his own emotions. In addition to physiological needs, he begins to feel mental needs. Understands that good grades are needed in order not to disappoint parents, to receive praise from the teacher, and to assert oneself among peers. But everything is not so simple. After all, on the one hand, you want to go for a walk, but on the other, you need to live up to the expectations of your elders. The constant need to choose also becomes a serious cause of identity crisis.

Are bans necessary?

When raising children, it is impossible to do without restrictions and prohibitions. A child who does not know what “impossible” means will not learn to control his desires and manage his behavior. He will not be able to act according to the rules and establish relationships with people. As an adult, such a person will not be able to sense the boundaries of acceptable behavior. He will easily fall into bad company and will not be able to stop in time.

That is why from a very early age there should be “no” in the family. But it is fundamentally important that the prohibitions are reasonable and justified. Categorical: “You can’t do that!” can sound only when the baby’s actions are dangerous for himself or cause any harm to others.

For example, you should not pull other children's hair or throw sand at them. You cannot run out onto the roadway, etc. At the same time, you need to show the baby how to act: you can’t pull anyone’s hair, but you can stroke their head; You can’t throw sand, but you can pour it into a bucket.

It is important to create not a system of prohibitions, but living conditions in which children will happily explore the world around them, without flinching from the constant: “You can’t!” If you don’t want the cereal and flour to be scattered, place them higher. You can't draw on the wallpaper - hang a huge sheet of paper on which you can. If you want your child not to make trouble while traveling, instead of scolding him, prepare in advance toys, books, and other entertainment that will keep him busy. And when he gets tired, allow him to get up, walk, etc.

Symptoms of crisis in a 7 year old child

During this period, even the most calm and obedient baby can turn into a real domestic tyrant, capricious and irritable. Features of the manifestation of the 7-year-old crisis most often consist in the fact that the child:

• does not fulfill requests, does not listen;
• capricious, stubborn;
• expresses protest, dissatisfaction, clowns around and is rude;
• does not accept criticism, gives extremely negative reactions to comments;
• tries to appear more mature, strives to communicate with older children, avoids younger ones;
• deliberately acts contrary to adults;
• devalues ​​what previously seemed important to him;
• subject to mood swings.

To diagnose a 7-year-old crisis, it is necessary that the child clearly exhibits at least four to five signs. Otherwise, we are not talking about a crisis period, but about a local conflict situation.

You place the blame on someone else

Of course, it is unfair that children watch programs that are supposed to be educational and useful, but receive bad information from them - they begin to behave rudely and disrespectfully. Kids act like they do on TV and you have to deal with it! Yes, this is unfair, but this is your responsibility: you can limit your TV viewing or discuss the essence of what you saw with your children. Just because you're not the one setting a bad example for your child doesn't mean you don't need to explain what's wrong with him. Don't think that the responsibility may lie with someone else.

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Duration

The crisis does not begin exactly when the child turns seven. Its onset cannot be attributed to the first day of school. In reality, everything is much more complicated.

Preparation for school begins early, and by the end of kindergarten, classes become more difficult and teachers become more demanding. The child feels changes and increasing pressure, so the first mental preconditions may arise at the age of five or six years. However, there is another category of children who begin to realize the severity of the new burden after school begins.

Everyone comes to a state of crisis when the psyche gives an adequate response to the difficulties that have arisen. Symptoms develop slowly, and the child copes with the new responsibility also gradually. Psychologists say that this age crisis lasts about 6-9 months. But the duration of the transitional stage in growing up depends on the individual characteristics of the baby.

You show your child that he is special.

Being a parent is not easy, no one wants to refuse a child, and children do not like to be refused. As a result, the child gets used to the fact that people always agree with him. He considers himself special, and everything is never enough for him. The child wants both, he begins to whine if he does not get what he wants. The problem quickly develops and develops into something much more stressful. Teach him from early childhood that your baby is not the center of the universe and that not all his wishes can be fulfilled at that very moment.

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How to cope: advice to parents from psychologists

It is important for parents to understand that a critical period is normal and will not last long. However, the situation cannot be left to chance. A student may not be able to adapt to a new situation on his own, and the negative experience will traumatize the psyche, cause neuroses, make him insecure and deprive him of friends.

To help a child overcome the 7-year-old child crisis, parents should follow basic recommendations from a psychologist:

• talk in a friendly manner, without pressure or reproaches;
• criticize not a person, but actions;
• give reasons for refusals and comments;
• learn to discuss problems, analyze the causes and consequences of a situation;
• analyze the emotional components of situations;
• talk about the past day, take an interest in the actions of the teacher, classmates, and also find out the child’s opinion about what happened;
• create a clear schedule that will include time for homework, helping parents around the house, hobbies, and also, of course, time for relaxation and favorite children’s games;
• maintain contact with the teacher, respond to any difficulties and problems in school life.

Recommendations for overcoming the crisis also include a number of actions that parents should avoid. Do not do it:

• raise your voice;
• punish physically;
• compare with others;
• criticize in front of others;
• treats the child as property;
• criticize the teacher's actions;
• violate rules that must be strictly followed;
• worry about minor comments from the teacher or bad grades;
• ignore growing up and continue to treat the child as a baby.

If the condition of a daughter or son causes excessive concern, and behavior becomes uncontrollable, parents may not be able to cope with the crisis on their own. In this case, you can contact a psychologist. The specialist will tell parents what to do, help the child adapt and ease the transition to school life.

You think the baby is just expressing himself

If your child bites, whines, or fights, and you tell yourself that this is normal behavior for a baby and will go away with time, you have a problem. Even at a young age, you can control your child's behavior. Ask what made him angry, why did he start biting? Deal with your emotions. If you don't force your child to think about the consequences of his behavior, you are making him spoiled. This only makes the problem you have worse.

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Consequences

If parents help overcome the crisis period, the child will successfully overcome an important turning point, form new correct mental reactions, and acquire social skills and roles. This will help him:

• to form a responsible attitude towards learning, a correct understanding and perception of the educational process;
• gain new emotional skills;
• realize your place in society, take the desired role among classmates;
• find new hobbies and interests.

If parents suppress manifestations of social development and complicate the situation with improper behavior, conflicts or problems within the family, this can cause serious damage to the child’s psyche. The child can:

• lose interest in studying;
• take any criticism too seriously;
• lower self-esteem;
• develop complexes in yourself;
• show aggression, cruelty;
• withdraw into oneself, fail to adapt to the school team;
• lose trust in parents, lose close connection with them.

It is important to remember that a crisis is a pattern that opens up new prospects for growth and development. The main task of adults is to help the child cope with a difficult situation, to show sensitivity, patience and attention. Only in this way will a newly graduated student be able to overcome all difficulties and make an important leap in mental growth.

You allow yourself to be treated rudely

If your child calls you rude names, behaves disrespectfully towards you in front of other adults or in front of his friends, demands something without saying “thank you” or “please”, and you do not react in any way, full responsibility for such behavior lies with on you. If you allow your child to communicate with you in a way that you would not allow your partner or colleague to communicate with you at work, you are spoiling him. Communication should not be formal, but it should be based on respect; be sure to convey this to the child.

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