Every parent tries to invest the best qualities in their children. Honesty is one of them. But there may come a time when parents realize that the child is lying. Lies in small isolated cases or large-scale deception - this happens individually for each child. Of course, mothers and fathers immediately ask themselves: what are they doing wrong in raising their baby? There are many reasons for children's lies. You also need to take into account that at different ages a child has his own reasons for lying. What to do about this, and how to understand that the baby is lying? Let's look at these questions in more detail in the article.
Let's understand the reasons
A child lies in different ways: it all depends on age, circumstances, and the climate in the family. The age of the baby is especially influential:
From 2 to 4 years
During this period, the child actively explores the world. And what parents take as a lie is often just a fantasy that the baby manifests unconsciously. Don’t rush to dissuade him; it’s better to ask him to draw what he saw. This will help your child develop creatively, and he will understand that he can trust you.
From 4 to 5 years
The child becomes acquainted with a new form of communication - lying.
At this age, he only tries and lies unconsciously.
He may lie because he is afraid of upsetting you and losing your love. For example, we ask the child the question: “Did you wash your hands before eating?” He can answer in the affirmative, only to make mom or dad happy with him. He will also be afraid that he may be punished if he does not fulfill the request. To get a truthful answer, you need to talk to your baby in a friendly tone. This way he will understand that he has nothing to fear and there is absolutely no need to lie.
6-7 years
Changes come in the child’s life - he goes to school. Here he unconsciously becomes acquainted with a new quality - boasting. To impress classmates, a child can embellish this or that event. Parents must strictly ensure that this boasting does not go beyond what is reasonable. The best option would be to gently and tactfully explain to the child that bragging is not good.
8-9 years
The baby faces the first difficulties in life - bad grades, failures. He wants to hide all this so that his peers do not turn away from him. The child does not want to upset his parents. But if the family has a cold climate, he may experience fear of failure. The easiest way to avoid problems is to lie. And the baby actively uses it. To avoid lies from the baby, there must be a trusting relationship in the family. The child needs to be explained that there is nothing terrible about failures, and that they only strengthen his character.
From 9 to 10 years
There comes a time when the baby begins to consciously use lies to achieve his goals. He needs to maintain authority among his classmates. The simplest tricks are used. For example, a child may lie about the financial situation of his parents or his personal qualities. Mom and dad must control his lies so as not to harm the baby himself.
11 years
The child enters adolescence. He begins to react emotionally to what he does not like. During this period of time, the baby most often lies if there are unhealthy relationships in the family.
It is important that parents notice in time that the child is lying, so as not to aggravate the situation. An experienced psychologist will help you figure this out.
From 12 years old
The baby is growing up. He sets personal boundaries and stops any attempts to invade them.
By this point, a trusting relationship must be built between parent and child. If this does not happen, then there is no need to punish the child. It’s not his fault – the fault lies with the parents.
Attempts to invade a child’s personal space, to impose your opinions and ideas on him will turn him away from you even more. At this age it is very difficult to recognize a lie. A psychologist will help you figure it out. But just the actions of a specialist will not be enough. Parents should make efforts to understand the child.
The main reasons for children's lies
Children are much more impulsive than adults. They do not think about the future and possible consequences, so it is difficult for them to restrain their own urges and desires. They want to get everything right here and now. This is due to the fact that some areas of the brain are not fully formed. The thought will never arise in their head that not everything can be taken and done.
But after the committed act, parents, as a rule, begin to scold them. And some may put you in a corner or even use physical punishment. But what happens in the end? The child begins to feel resentment and fear. This is what pushes him to avoid punishment.
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Another common reason is adults themselves. Children often take their cues from them and begin to copy their behavior. They want to be more mature and get more and more quickly. Therefore, as a result, they have to turn on their imagination and come up with various excuses. If adults themselves often do not keep their promises or even lie, then children begin to consider deception as a completely normal and common occurrence.
According to psychologists, a child can lie, thus expressing protest against the influence of adults and pressure from them. For example, some parents raise their child too strictly. They constantly put pressure on him to do his homework, put away his toys, brush his teeth, etc. At some point in time, the child may begin to resist all this. And the only tool he has at his disposal is a lie.
And the last reason is attention deficit. If parents are too busy at work and spend little time with their children, then they may deliberately play pranks and indulge in order to be noticed.
Regardless of the reason, parents should take certain measures to stop lying. Otherwise, the child will grow up uncontrollable. And when adolescence begins, nothing can be done. Next, we will consider several of the most effective ways to wean a child from lying.
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How to wean a preschooler?
If your child has been caught in a lie, proceed according to the following scheme:
- sit next to the child so that your eyes are at the same level;
- tell him that you know what he said and that you would like to hear the truth;
- be sure to assure your child that you will not be angry with him;
- tell him that you love him and that lying will not make your love less;
- when the child tells the truth, keep your word - do not scold or punish him;
- explain to him in a calm tone that he did wrong;
- explain what he should do next time;
- at the end of the conversation, tell him again how much you love the baby and that you are always ready to help him.
Of course, one conversation is not enough for a child to stop lying once and for all. But if you systematically conduct such conversations with him, the baby will understand that you can be trusted. He will see you not as a strict teacher, but as a good friend with whom you can share your problems and who will always help you get out of a difficult situation.
Responsibility
Children need to be explained that not everything in life can be achieved, and any actions entail certain consequences. The child must understand that he must be responsible for everything. Once he realizes this, he will begin to think before he acts. But your words must be justified. Tell us some examples from your experience. This approach is very effective and works well.
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Why do children lie?
Parents say:
“We made it! Her own daughter lies to her father and mother! And who taught her this? How is it possible?! We are the closest people on Earth to her!
And she does this to us! How can I trust her anymore?! And how can we look into each other’s eyes if there is no more trust?”
Probably every parent at one time or another experiences surprise, indignation, misunderstanding, resentment or disappointment when he first learns that his daughter told a lie. Have you ever encountered a child's lie? Welcome to the club of deceived parents! To the club of normal, ordinary parents. Do not panic. Take a deep breath. Try to remember yourself as a child
Have you ever lied? Have you ever hidden anything from your family? Have you ever torn a page out of a notebook? Have you ever come up with a tall tale as an excuse? You know, if a child has not learned to lie after the age of 8, most likely we should pay attention to the level of his mental development. So don't be scared by your daughter's lies
How should parents behave if their child is lying?
If your daughter tried to deceive you for the first time, you just need to notice it. React openly. Show that this did not lead to anything good, except that you were even more upset or angry than if she had immediately told the truth. Help your daughter learn that deception hurts loved ones. And that you can even lose parental trust for some time, and this is a very valuable thing.
It’s another matter if after this the lies continue and become an integral part of your communication, as they say at every step! In this case, you need to think for yourself.
If a child deceives you, it means that for some reason he is not allowed to tell you the truth. Children lie when they are cornered. Did you notice when and how you did it?
Try to understand what the child is telling you through his behavior, what is behind his deception? If you learn to translate your daughter's messages, a lot can change.
What messages can a Daughter convey to parents through deception:
- Mom, you idealize me too much. I can commit misconduct, stupidity, mistakes. And this is not a mortal sin, I shouldn’t be so afraid of disappointing you, don’t be fascinated by me too much, it’s unbearable. Admit that I'm not perfect. Ideal children do not deceive their parents.
- Dad, you are too demanding of me. It is impossible for me to admit my needs or actions to you. I'm afraid of you, your punishments. Be more lenient with me. And then I myself will begin to think about what I did wrong, and not how to avoid your reactions.
- Dad, you give me too much freedom. You see, I need some boundaries. Label them for me. I still don’t know how to build and hold them myself.
- Mom, you are too sensitive. Every prank of mine causes you to experience too much for me, your depression and even your illness. I don't want to be responsible for them. So that you don’t go crazy because of me, it’s better for you not to know a lot. I try my best, if something doesn’t work out, I can handle it myself. This is my path, not yours.
- Mom, you give me too little warmth. I don’t know how to receive feelings of love, tenderness, gratitude from you. But I know how to make you angry: I won’t tell you about my failures - you’ll get very angry. Anger is also a strong feeling. Let it be at least anger towards me.
- Dad, pay attention, I'm not your little girl anymore. I have already grown up and everything will no longer be just your way.
I have the right to my decisions, admit it. And if you don’t admit it, I’ll still do it my way, but I won’t tell you.
- Parents, you are too distant from each other. When I do something inappropriate, I start lying, for example, you get close to scold me or put me on the right path together. I want you to be close to each other again.
- Parents, understand, in the end, there are already things that I am not ready to tell you. They are called intimate. And when you ask so directly about something personal, it’s easier for me to lie to you than to discuss something openly. Respect my personal space the same way I respect yours.
And there may be a thousand more options. I don't know which one applies to your situation. Try to analyze your behavior towards your daughter. Only you can understand what exactly your daughter would like to tell you and which of you she is addressing. But even if one of the options I have proposed seems plausible to you, it will not be possible to talk about its 100% reliability. We can't know for sure what your child really wants when he's lying to you. I’ll tell you more: sometimes she herself doesn’t fully realize it. You can try to clarify the situation together with her.
