A good husband is the key to success
How to save a marriage must be thought before the wedding. Much depends on the personal qualities of both partners. Get married and marry for love. Mutual feeling will help cope with everything else.
Discard typical misconceptions like:
- If you endure it, you will fall in love. When you fall in love, then you will have a wedding. Many people try olives as children and say: “Ugh!” Then they try them at 30 and say: “Cool!” But they eat them every day, they start AFTER they’ve tried and loved them. No one chokes on food they don't like as a preventative measure. You don’t need to do this with people either.
- This is who he is STILL. And if you don’t like it now, then you should stop.
- When the children come along, everything will be different. It was normal - it will become “better”. Was bad? Relationships will turn into a quest for survival. Children don't save marriages. Sometimes they prolong the torment under the same roof. But making two adults fall in love with each other from scratch? Babies do not have this function.
You need to be in time BEFORE the white dress and last name change:
To know each other.
Do you have common interests? Do your preferences in food, lifestyle, sex coincide? We must survive the first disagreements. Inconsistencies will show how you resolve conflicts.
Ask questions, spend time together. Live nearby not only positive moments. Visit your colleagues in the hospital, babysit your friends’ children, stay with your grandmother in the village. This will help you understand if you are right for each other.
Live together.
Finding an apartment, moving, organizing your life is a difficult but interesting experience. Try to get along with everyone's personalities, schedules, and habits. But after the wedding you will enjoy each other.
Anya, 33 years old:
“We did it so stupidly. We didn’t have time to live together: our parents were friends, and we immediately bought an apartment together. But they set a condition: they would give the keys only after the wedding, they would hand them over before that.
We decided that we didn’t want to move in after someone else and quickly organized everything. The banquet and honeymoon were magical. We returned from Turkey and it began! They were arguing about everything: who would come into the store, whose turn it was to clean up, where to put the sofa, etc. and so on. They didn’t get divorced, probably, only because it’s shameful to get divorced after six months of marriage.”
In a shared apartment, you will quickly see the characteristics and shortcomings of your partner. And you will understand whether you can come to terms with them.
Discuss difficult issues.
Imagine it's a game. Substitute any life situations and say “What if...”:
- will I/you/us be fired?
- triplets?
- child with Down syndrome?
- won't have children for a long time?
- treason?
- marasmus?
You can discuss these questions one by one, in the order of philosophical conversations about life. Or using the examples of friends, film heroes. This is Us is perfect. It touches on almost all current topics: family relationships, adopted children, gay orientation, self-realization. One episode provides a week's worth of discussion.
When is divorce the best option?
Sometimes the best decision is to tell everything to hell. Divorce will take a lot:
- jointly purchased property (everything will have to be divided: from plates to an apartment);
- general business;
- dreams of being a perfect couple;
- reputation (everyone will wash the bones: friends, colleagues, relatives);
- a child has a complete family;
- good relationship with the child;
- money and nerves.
Women have a harder time with divorce. In terms of the severity of grief, separation is comparable to the death of a loved one. In both cases, you forever lose someone who was important and loved. But there are scenarios when divorce is necessary. Is there violence or addiction in the family? Then divorce is not about love and devotion, but about security.
Toxic relationships, humiliation, beatings, sexual or physical violence, child abuse (no matter: common or from a previous relationship)... All this is a reason to run away.
Another reason is painful addictions. Does a person not want to fight pathological cravings for drugs, alcohol, or games? You cannot defeat the disease for him. The path to recovery must be his choice. Is he not ready to move in this direction? You don't have to wait years for him to come to his senses. You have the right to live a normal life now.
Don't want to give up on your loved one? You can separate without filing a legal divorce. But all financial issues will keep you in suspense. The best option is to separate by stipulating the terms. Explain why you are taking this step and under what circumstances you will be able to restore the relationship.
Secrets of a happy family
In fact, it is impossible to determine the universal secret of a happy family, because every relationship is unique. However, psychologists identify several universal recommendations that will help save the family and strengthen it.
Be tolerant
Of course, spouses cannot be unanimous on all issues, since two people cannot be exact reflections of each other. The task of each spouse is to accept the point of view of their partner, to love him as he is, with all his oddities.
Important! Remember, every person has merits for which his shortcomings can be forgiven.
Distinguish the important from the unimportant
It is necessary to understand which issues require debate, and which situation can be smoothed out and not heat up the atmosphere in the house. The main thing is to maintain good relations between the spouses and harmony in the family, mutual respect.
Give in, look for a compromise
Remember that stubbornness will never lead to harmony and peace in the family. Be guided by a wise saying - giving in does not mean losing. By giving in, a person gains much more - he strengthens his family.
Talk
Communication is an important part of family life, the best way to exchange information. Every conversation is an exchange of energy, the ability to share feelings and problems, and the ability to empathize.
Important! Two loving people will always find something to talk about; when the topics for conversation are exhausted, most likely, something needs to be changed in family life.
Be silent together
Two loving people are always comfortable in silence. There are days when spouses say no more than a few phrases to each other. Silence should not cause awkwardness and a feeling of boredom. If two people love each other, there is an energy field between them, thanks to which mutual understanding arises.
Earn and spend together
Money has always been and will be a source of problems and quarrels in family life. Loving spouses distribute finances calmly and peacefully, and it does not matter at all who is the main breadwinner in the family. In modern society, those who do it better make money.
Important! Money should not become a subject of contention and quarrels; it is only a tool for organizing everyday life.
Your spouse is your best friend
According to psychologists, the basis of happy family relationships is friendship, while intimate connection and romance are not a hindrance to friendship, but an addition.
Make comments, but delicately
Happy spouses are real diplomats who know how to make a remark so subtly that their partner will easily take the phrase into account and will not regard it as a complaint.
Enjoy intimacy
Learn to truly enjoy intimacy with your partner. Discuss the topic of sex so that it does not become routine and boring.
Make plans and dream
Joint plans indicate that the spouses are ready to spend many years together. When a husband and wife discuss even minor plans, it is a sign that they trust each other and want to be together.
Important! If loving spouses have to separate for a short time, this only strengthens their relationship. But try to plan your vacation together.
How to live without getting divorced
All couples fight sometimes. Everyone has different times. And how to avoid divorce from your husband and save your family in this whole cycle? Why do some people scatter at the first difficulties, while others stay together until old age? Your immediate goal is 30 years together and a pearl wedding? Then:
Live separately
A young family needs to solve the housing problem. The couple must get used to each other and establish their own rules. When someone’s parents are nearby, this is impossible.
It’s difficult to have a heart-to-heart talk when your mother-in-law or mother-in-law runs into the kitchen. Sex turns out better when your father-in-law or father-in-law is not snoring behind the wall. And it is much easier to raise children without extraneous moral teachings.
Talk
Everything needs to be discussed. There are no taboo topics in the family. Politics, the color of a baby’s poop, Pelevin’s new book – the reason for conversation can be anything.
The atmosphere in a normal family is based on trust. Trust is when you tell honestly, without waiting for questions. Friendly chatter in the evenings – preventing scandals.
Have sex
You can't live long on serenades alone. High-quality sex strengthens marriage better than psychologists. Plus, it's free.
With the arrival of children, it is difficult to find time for intimacy. By evening you just want to sleep. But you can’t wait until your son’s 18th birthday! Nannies, grandmothers, cartoons, a lock on the bedroom door - all means are suitable.
In order for everyone to be satisfied with everything, the partners must have the same sexual constitution (need for sex). It's best to clarify this before the wedding.
Don't be fooled by showing off
There are no perfect couples: everyone goes through their own personal hell. But not everyone decides to talk about it.
You shouldn’t trust bloggers who have “understanding at a glance, three businesses, fifteen children and daily three-hour sex.”
You should not listen to the advice of happily divorced and two-week-married friends.
You have your own story, your own experience, your own person. Don't let anyone into your bed. Make your own decisions.
Spend time together
Half an hour between dinner and bedtime doesn’t count. There are times when people at home only sleep and wash. But it shouldn't go on like this forever.
Make time for dates, travel, adventure. Go on a visit, to the cinema, to a cafe. Do things you both enjoy OUTSIDE THE HOME. You can avoid divorce from your husband and save your family only when you become one.
And keep your individuality
It is important for everyone to preserve the interests and traditions that existed before marriage. You will have to find a balance between family leisure and other entertainment. But you definitely need to leave gatherings with friends or yoga on Tuesdays! Such moments “for one” allow you to be filled with new emotions, take a break from your spouse and miss your partner.
Protect your borders
Best friend, old friend, moms, dads, Vaska from the next department. All of them have no right to interfere in your family life without asking.
Family problems? Solve them together, without outside advice. Did you have sex with your husband? And discuss it with your husband. If necessary, see a gynecologist. But not on the blog of another “sex educator” that all your friends read.
Would you like to consult about daily matters on Instagram? Create an anonymous profile “dfgfrgrij” and write from it.
Discuss with your partner what parts of your life together you are willing to share with others.
Don't look for ideal on the side
You are already married. You chose your partner yourself. This means that he is the best for you, otherwise, what is all this for?
There is no need to compare him with other men (at least out loud). You shouldn't flirt with someone "just in case." You have made your choice. Turn off prince standby mode.
Speak directly
Men and hints are like “Coca Cola” and “Mentos”: beautiful separately, but it’s better not to combine them.
Representatives of the stronger sex do not recognize hints. It’s useless to say that Mashkin’s husband bought her a Tesla, an iPhone and other Tiffany. Your spouse will simply be happy for Maria.
Do you want a specific gift? Say directly: “Darling, I want a bag from this store for my birthday. Here is the link to the store, here is a photo of the bag, here is the price, here is the discount on the discount.”
Do you think it's time for a change?
Then instead:
“Oh, I’m tired and it seems I got married in vain”;
We inform you simply and frankly:
“The child takes all my strength. I can't do anything already at 16.00. Do you want to see an adequate person next to you? Help me with cleaning, cooking, or with the baby.”
Speak carefully
Home is a safe zone. They don’t hit where it hurts, although they know where it is. It is useful to master “I am the message” and learn to express your thoughts without being offensive. At first you have to weigh every word, then it becomes a habit.
Share responsibilities
Two people will have to work on the house and relationships. Both must sometimes take the initiative, organize holidays, sudden surprises, and take care of everyday life.
As an example: the one who is freer today cleans and cooks. In another family, there may be a strict rotation of duty. In the third, everyone has a shared to-do list on their phones. Everyone completes (and crosses out) as best they can.
A lot changes when a baby is born. The wife no longer has time to take care of the house, and the husband wants to maintain his previous lifestyle.
The situation is resolved in different ways. The Ivanovs’ husband devotes time to home and child when he comes home from work. But the Vanbersteins asked their grandmother for help. The Barsukovs bought a dishwasher, a vacuum cleaner and a pumping center. And the Lipkovatovs call cleaners and a nanny for walks.
Protect each other
When you are alone, you can voice your questions, thoughts, and concerns. But criticizing your spouse (or children) in public is unacceptable.
The task of the family is to provide support, support, and security. All family members should be sure: there will always be help at home.
Men are people too. They need kind words, faith in their strength, care and tenderness. Those who receive love at home do not seek it outside. Using this method, you can avoid divorce from your husband and save your family.
Look beautiful at home
It is not necessary to wear an evening dress. But all your home outfits should give you confidence in your own irresistibility.
Avoid worn-out clothes and oversized robes. Choose comfortable and stylish loungewear. Funny pajamas, onesies, leggings with a cool print, a tight sweater dress, a seductive set or a T-shirt from a rock concert of your favorite band will do.
Matching robes and funny socks can become your overall highlight (By the way, a great idea for a gift).
Read/listen/visit psychologists
You should not act according to their lectures, strictly according to instructions. But it's good to listen. From their blogs and books you will learn about crises in family life. And also find out how you can defeat them.
Take care of your madness
It's never too late to run barefoot in the rain, go to a late-night movie screening, or eat chips for dinner. Do stupid things together, it brings you closer together.
Reasons for divorce
There are many reasons for divorce. When a couple is at the disgust stage, even a small flaw becomes greater than any advantage. Spouses who have lived together for several years face difficulties. The attitude towards each other depends on the strength of love, the willingness to put up and listen to the desires of the partner. According to statistics, every second couple gets divorced. The main reasons for divorce are:
- Infidelity
Modern society has lost the concepts of loyalty and duty. It is almost impossible to find a married couple in which both spouses have remained faithful to each other throughout their entire life together. Everyone has their own reason for cheating: lack of care, attention or love, the desire to try something new, to heighten sensations. In any case, adultery is a blow to the relationship, a loss of trust in the partner. Finding the strength to forgive is difficult, and not everyone is capable of it.
- Addiction (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.)
Divorce becomes a forced measure to protect health and sometimes life. Often the initiator of a breakup is a woman who is unable to change the current situation.
- Financial difficulties
The discrepancy between the material needs of one spouse and the capabilities of the other, or the complete maintenance of the family by the wife/husband, leads to conflicts. This may include the lack of own housing and household instability.
- Unpreparedness of partners for family life
Very often, marriages are concluded because “it’s necessary” or “it’s time.” The young couple is not ready to take responsibility for the decisions made and cannot organize their life on their own. In such a situation, parents and friends often get involved and, based on their experience, tell how to behave with your husband or wife. Blindly following the advice of strangers can cause conflict and divorce.
- Aggression, hot temper
Inability to control emotions and constant aggression lead to quarrels. This destroys the psyche of not only partners, but also children. Psychologists say that screaming kills tenderness, blurs the boundaries between partners and makes them “same-sex.” If one of the spouses grew up in a family where everyone’s opinion is important and taken into account, he will definitely avoid aggression. Outwardly normal families break up without regrets, without specific reasons, the partners are simply emotionally exhausted.
- Despotism
Such an attitude towards one of the spouses becomes the cause of domestic violence, which affects all family members and, first of all, children. Contrary to popular belief, not only a man can act as a despot in a family. It is almost impossible to save the marriage in this case. If you cannot cope with your emotions on your own, psychologists recommend seeking help.
This is not a complete list of reasons why marriages break up. These also include sexual incompatibility of partners, different hobbies and even temperaments. If you need advice on how to save a family on the verge of divorce, they are collected in this article.
