Why do people become attached to each other: how to learn to avoid and suffer after

All people are capable of experiencing attachment to varying degrees, even those who for some reason deny it. Most psychologists believe that the concept of attachment is multifaceted and includes a whole range of different states and emotional sensations: interest, falling in love, a feeling of closeness, devotion, loyalty.

Attachment is not always a positive and harmonious feeling. In some cases, people may experience painful attachment, which negatively and destructively affects both their own life and the life of the object of their adoration.

What is attachment? Signs of this feeling

Affection is similar to love and is a deep emotional connection.
When we spend a lot of time with a person, receiving support and warmth from him, we become attached to him and are afraid of losing him. We literally absorb his feelings, get used to his behavior and lifestyle. When we admit the thought that this person may not be there, we begin to feel pain, fear, and despair. The person to whom we feel affection does not always behave sincerely; he may be guided by selfish motives - this is also worth thinking about. Let's give a specific example. A girl moves to a new city; Moving is undoubtedly stressful. After some time, she meets a guy who tries to console her and make her life more beautiful. He helps her get a job, spends a lot of time with her, provides moral support, and furnishes her apartment. Accordingly, this guy becomes irreplaceable, especially if he looks after you beautifully and says how long he has been waiting for such a beautiful lady. The girl feels better: she is no longer alone, but with a reliable friend. How does attachment manifest itself in this case? She became comfortable with this young man, he helped her and became simply irreplaceable. He literally pulled her out of a difficult situation, and life became better with him. The girl gets used to the boy, sympathy degenerates into a relationship. At the same time, she does not leave her chosen one even if he no longer behaves the same way as before.

Detection feature

Each person can independently identify the presence of painful attachment. To do this, you need to listen to your own feelings. A frank dialogue with yourself will allow you to establish the presence of a destructive illness.

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A person with attachment can be identified by the following signs:

It seems to him that no one loves him. In fact, the problem lies in a lack of interest in opportunities that would improve relationships with people.
A person is not able to evaluate himself as a person. To compensate for his own love, he requires constant evidence of a good attitude on the part of his partner.
An individual experiencing attachment cannot console himself in a difficult situation. Temporary peace of mind can only be provided by the beloved on whom he depends.
To feel more confident and secure, an individual requires the presence of a close partner.
A dependent person does not want to work on the relationship and is not ready to accept his other half with all its shortcomings.
The slightest violation of the usual schedule can bring the addict out of a calm state. For example, if the husband came home 20 minutes late, the wife is capable of causing a scandal due to jealousy.

“Clinginess” does not give you a feeling of happiness even if everything goes according to plan. The feeling of loneliness next to your partner is the main criterion that you should pay close attention to when making a “diagnosis”.

Is attachment to a person good or bad?

Attachment simultaneously affects several spheres of human manifestation - feelings, thoughts, actions, self-perception. For such a multifaceted concept, there cannot be one answer in its assessment from the point of view of good and evil. Without attachment to another person, it is not possible to form social communication, adaptability in society and provide oneself with mental comfort. If there is no attachment to parents, then the entire course of personality development is disrupted, just as if disturbances in the formation of attachment occur at other important stages. Being a social being, the ability to maintain contacts and the desire for rapprochement are indicators of a person’s mental integrity.

Attachment to another gives a feeling of support and security, thus you can get the necessary support if internal resources are insufficient. People become attached to those from whom they can receive approval and help, non-judgmental acceptance, and satisfaction of existing needs.

And ensuring good relationships with the environment, which is important for successful survival in the world, attachment reflects a somewhat childish model of interaction with the world. If you look at all the expectations from the object of attachment, they are addressed to the parental figure, on whom the child, one way or another, is dependent

In adulthood, any attachment carries a certain amount of dependence, and only the level of maturity of a person can regulate the negative consequences of this. If autonomous mental regulation is not formed, then any attachment will quickly develop into dependence, and instead of receiving support, the need for control will flare up, instead of the desire to have a mental and good time together, with benefit and emotional resources for both, fear of loss and the desire to chain the other will begin to appear. near.

The theme of addiction about the loss of flexibility in attachment, the deprivation of freedom of both the person himself and the one to whom he is attached is similar to drug addiction. The analogy with drug addiction is the most successful, since in the long absence of another person (a subjectively long absence may seem like a day), when there is no way to find out the location of the object and receive a dose of attention from him (for example, when the entire mobile operator network is turned off), a state begins that reflects drug addiction. withdrawal The emotional pain of losing or the possibility of losing an object is felt physically and does not allow you to fully exist.

If you manage not to slip into an infantile position of dependence, then attachment takes on an adult and mature form of its existence, manifesting itself as love, where there is a full-fledged observation of all aspects of your life, no tearing pain occurs when the object moves away, and the object of attachment itself is used not only for the purpose of getting something emotionally valuable for yourself, but more for energy exchange and caring for another. Thus, everything depends on the maturity of the individual and the degree of flexibility of this feeling.

Criticism of attachment theory

As with any popular theory in psychology, there are several criticisms that have been leveled against it.

Chief among these are the following criticisms:

Excessive attention to education.
This criticism comes from psychologist J.R. Harris, who believes that parents do not have as much influence on their child's personality or character as most people believe. She notes that much of personality is determined by genetics rather than environment.
Model limitations:
In addition, the early model did not take into account the fact that children may have different types of attachments to different people; attachments with the mother may not represent attachments formed by others.
Finally, the mother was seen as the automatic primary attachment figure in the early model, where a father, stepfather, brother, grandparent, aunt, or uncle may be the person with whom the child most strongly bonds.

Important!
Although some of these criticisms have faded over time as the theory is introduced with new evidence and updated concepts, it is useful to look at any theory with a critical eye.

How to get rid of attachment

It’s easy to leave a person in the past, but sometimes it’s too difficult to throw his image out of your head and stop going over in your thoughts what should have happened, but didn’t happen.

• The first tip on how to get rid of attachment is to switch. True, if you take up a hobby, throw yourself into work, go on a date, or just go out for a walk with the only thought of not thinking about Him or Her, nothing will work out. You need to get distracted first of all emotionally. Try to imagine that you will experience all the precious experiences associated with That person with someone else. And they will be brighter, stronger. And with this attitude, go out for a walk and meet with friends.

• Give yourself faith in the future. When we become too attached to a person, we don't see anyone around us. Letting go of attachments hurts when you are afraid of being alone. Communicate more and feel needed by many, rather than just one object of your affection. Learn to control and create attachments yourself. This is only possible with an understanding of human psychology. Then breaking up a relationship with a person will not be such a problem.

• Help someone who is in a similar situation. Your boyfriend or girlfriend probably also had problematic attachments that they had to get rid of. Maybe you can talk to them and share your experiences. Then you will see your own situation in another person - from the outside, not from the inside. And it will no longer seem so terrible to you.

• Expressing feelings on paper is often recommended. And burn the paper or put it away out of sight. This method will give relief if you publish the text on the Internet or at least let someone read it. Maybe even to the addressee himself. Not in order to get a response, but in order to put an end to it.

Disorganizing attachment

A person with this personality type's search for affection or intimacy usually ends in injury or violence. That is why, when looking for a relationship, he expects to be rejected or offended.

People with this type of attachment usually build relationships with people like themselves. It's like a kind of struggle just on the verge of madness. Physical violence, constant conflicts and mutual threats are becoming commonplace.

How to recognize

Attachment is a state when you are drawn to a certain person, you want to be with him, see him, feel him. Mental disorder can be identified by several signs.

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Strong attraction

A person experiences a painful attraction that prevents both him and his partner from living a normal life. He tries to limit the freedom of the chosen one or the chosen one by hook or by crook, only so that the object of desire is nearby. The thought of breaking up leads to deep depression. The attraction is so strong that a person is ready for literally anything. He endures humiliation, insults, forgives serious mistakes, and turns a blind eye to many things.

Increased anxiety

It appears along with low self-esteem. Anxiety arises for any reason when the partner is nearby or absent. It seems that he has cooled down, does not experience the same feelings, and does not pay enough attention. A depressed state, nervousness, and increased anxiety manifests itself when the other half is not around. It seems that the chosen one or chosen one is with someone else.

Dependency on partner

Psychologists distinguish between healthy and pathological addiction. All relationships between a man and a woman are codependent. Everyone receives something and gives something in return. Unhealthy dependence on a partner is a state when one partner allows himself a lot, while the other forgives because he cannot imagine life without him. An addicted partner never feels happy and calm. He always tries to please, worries whether he did the right thing, or whether he inadvertently offended. A tense emotional state leads to nervous tension and emotional exhaustion.

Diagnosis of attachment

The “Stranger Situation” technique has been used to diagnose attachment for several decades. The optimal age of the child at the time of diagnosis is one to one and a half years. Mom and baby are placed in a really unfamiliar playroom. Psychologists monitor their behavior. Testing involves 8 stages, each of which lasts 3 minutes and is filmed:

The first and second episodes are the same. Mom and child enter the room. The baby begins to explore toys. Mom does not interfere; if necessary, she helps in a reasonable and unobtrusive manner. The child is happy and plays calmly next to his mother.
A stranger enters the room. After 2 minutes he begins a conversation with his mother. Normally, the child will show slight shyness, embarrassment, fear, and will approach his mother. At the same time, he will look at the adult with curiosity. A little later, the stranger invites the child to play with him. Mom doesn't mind.
Observers give a signal that mom needs to go out. She says a few warm words to the baby and leaves him with a stranger. Attachment makes the child look after his mother, call, and even cry. The stranger is trying to distract him with a game. This is not always possible.
The mother returns, takes the child in her arms, and says warm words. The baby calms down and returns to play. The stranger leaves.
The observers again give the signal that mom needs to leave. The child is left alone. This time he cries a lot and screams.
The previous stranger comes in first. Tries to console the child.
If the child does not calm down, the mother comes in.

This is where the diagnosis ends. Observers analyze the child’s behavior and draw a conclusion about what type of attachment is relevant in this case.

Such an observation can be carried out in normal conditions, for example, on a playground or at a party.

How to understand that it is emotional dependence

People notice pathological traits in their behavior:

• The whole world narrows down to the object of affection. His personality comes to the fore, overshadowing work, friends, hobbies and relatives. Attachment binds a person.

• Emotional blackmail

A person will do anything to get the attention of an attachment figure. Hysteria or demonstrative coldness? Both are welcome, no problem.

• Withdrawal syndrome. When the object of affection is far away, a person feels sad. I really want to be next to him again. This point is the reason why you want to get rid of neurotic attachment.

When attachment looks like a painful addiction, you definitely need to get rid of it.

Even when the connection with your attachment figure is healthy, there may be barriers between you:

• you are separated by distance;

• affection is not mutual;

• one of you is married;

• you simply don’t understand each other;

• something else came between you.

In any case, the relationship did not work out. Now you are wondering how to get rid of attachment to a man or woman. Let’s figure out how to do this using the knowledge from Yuri Burlan’s “System-vector psychology” training.

Advice from psychologists

No one is immune from the formation of toxic attachment. To avoid traumatic consequences, according to the recommendations of psychologists, people take the following steps:

They identify their attachments and analyze their impact on their mental state. This is facilitated by mentally answering the questions:

Is it comfortable to communicate with a person?
Do you want to control it all the time?
Do you often have to infringe on your interests for the sake of another person?
Is there jealousy in relationships?

Avoid sick methods of tying oneself to others. The leisurely and gradual formation of new connections and life principles helps in this.
They learn to solve some problems caused by strong attachments and interfering with a person’s self-development. For this:

reconsider some beliefs and convictions if they begin to burden or cause negative emotions;
get rid of communication with indifferent, angry and pessimistic people;
they find ways not to become attached to a man, the psychology of relationships with whom not all women understand;
do not allow things (especially old ones) to determine the existence of an individual, but get rid of them in order to find a place for new phenomena in the living space;
they try not to lose themselves after experiencing personal tragedies and losses, not to cling to the past; on the contrary, they help others cope with similar situations.

They get rid of the fear of losing vital support points (work, property, specific people or any beliefs).
They accept every moment of life as it is and be content with what they have.

Important! Some people take this point literally and do not take any measures to improve their quality of life, but humbly await their fate.

They treat themselves with love and respect, and do not sacrifice their personal space.
They remain open to meeting and communicating with new people, but carefully analyze their relationships with them before letting just acquaintances into their close social circle.
They don't live by illusions. Dreams of a wonderful future will remain dreams if they are based on fictitious assumed feelings and actions of other people. The future is built based on the real state of things at the moment and specific personal capabilities.
Freed from attachment to feelings that can control a person and negatively affect the quality of life. Psychologists advise throwing out your emotions rather than storing them up (singing songs, writing poetry, keeping a diary or blog, talking with an imaginary interlocutor, and so on).

Attachment that limits human development

They tell other people about their positive experience of getting rid of unhealthy attachments, communicate with like-minded people.
They understand that any events in a person’s life begin and end; there is nothing infinite in the world.

Thus, attachments can be both healthy and toxic. Living without attachments is much easier, since it does not allow the individual to receive psychological trauma. Psychologists recommend breaking off unhealthy attachments immediately. There are many ways to break such ties in the least painful way on the Internet. Despite its simplicity and non-traumatic nature, life without any attachments is unusual for humans.

Attachment in relationships

Attachment in relationships is characterized by instability and dependence. One or both partners are characterized by full, comprehensive participation in common interests. There is a feeling that no one matters to them anymore. A person evaluates the strength of the need for a partner as proof of love. In fact, attachment in relationships can be a consequence of fear of loneliness. The attachment figure's old friends and interests are put on hold to serve the needs and desires of the "loved" person, so the feeling of self-sacrifice is perceived as a sign of love.

Preoccupation with the thoughts, behavior, and feelings of a “loved” person leads to dependence on his or her approval. The self-perception and self-esteem of a dependent partner reflects the reaction of the “beloved” person. Expressing real emotions and thoughts becomes too risky

Therefore, playing it safe is important and can take the form of repetition or even ritual. For example, a statement such as “if you don’t call me from work from nine to three every day, then you don’t really love me” is not uncommon.

With addiction comes intolerance for the time a couple spends apart from each other. Ownership, jealousy and patronage prevail over trust. A dependent person cannot tolerate being apart, even when there is conflict in the relationship or when the relationship is unhealthy. Experiencing unhealthy attachment in a relationship, a dependent person, at the slightest possibility of separation, clings tightly to his “other half”, feeling hopeless. Being apart can provoke physical symptoms such as impatience, lethargy or loss of appetite.

True love is difficult to part with; giving up attachment is easy.

The surest way to know if you are experiencing true love is to lose it. When she disappears from your life, you lose all meaning of existence for some time. It's like you've been stripped of your very soul. Sadness and grief presses from all sides. But if you don’t experience something similar after a breakup, then it was an ordinary attachment that did not carry anything serious.

Love is a manifestation of caring, and affection is exceptional selfishness.

True love does not tolerate selfishness. Once you enter into a serious relationship, your priorities will change dramatically. The whole philosophy of life is turned upside down. You will constantly think about your beloved, care and worry about him. But when you are no more than simply attached to your partner, then selfishness will prevail. Everyone wants to do what is best for themselves. It's easy to notice and draw conclusions before things go too far.

Love is not a light burden; affection comes easily only when you are together.

Love is a very complex type of emotion that occurs to every person. Often, it is very dynamic and it is extremely difficult for two people to maintain such a pace. There will be ups and downs in a relationship, but supporting each other will help you overcome all difficulties. During a non-serious relationship, when everything comes down to affection, you will not be able to get along for long at a distance.

Love gives freedom, but attachment paralyzes.

It is impossible to experience real feelings when you forbid each other to do certain things. Sincere love has no prohibitions. Mutual trust and bright feelings will overwhelm lovers, and therefore they have no problems with personal space. Ordinary attachment, on the contrary, paralyzes. Participants in a relationship cannot stay far from each other for long, and life without rules does not seem possible. This lack of love is a prison.

Love is support; attachment creates stagnation.

True love inspires people to be better people. But attachment does nothing: partners simply exist. Loving hearts can share their dreams, help each other achieve certain goals, etc. They form a kind of driving mechanism that only strengthens their feelings. Attachment people are locked in a little box and they don't want to be better.

Love lasts; affection is limited by time.

Love is one of those feelings that lasts forever. We are talking about a real and sincere manifestation of this bright feeling. There is no place for naked desire to satisfy your needs. Attachment has this. Therefore, it lasts as long as the partners are satisfied. But sooner or later the thirst will appear again, and they will begin to look for new experiences. And new partners.

Types of attachment

There are 4 types of attachment:

Secure attachment. The child reacts violently to the separation, looks for his mother, and cries. After the mother returns, the baby rejoices and reaches out to her. He quickly calms down and starts playing again.
Insecure attachment and avoidant behavior. The child reacts poorly to separation. May express slight protest and follow with his gaze. He doesn't look away from the game. When he returns, he reacts with resentment, does not allow himself to be picked up, and rejects his mother. Experts consider this reaction as a characteristic of temperament and a protective mechanism of the psyche to the stress of separation. A psychophysiological examination of children with this type of reaction showed a higher level of stress hormone than in the group of the previous type.
Secure-ambivalent attachment. When parting, the child becomes hysterical. After returning, even his mother cannot calm him down. The baby simultaneously craves physical contact, but at the same time shows aggression: he turns away, fights, bites, and jerks his legs.
Insecure-disorganized attachment. There is uncertainty in the child's behavior. He either runs after his mother or towards his mother, with his arms wide open, then he stops, turns around and runs away even further. Actions are inaccurate, freezing in the process. Such a reaction usually signals a clinical case of child development or child abuse, neglect, violence, alcoholism and other parental addictions.

Childhood attachment helps the child reproduce in memory the image of a significant person, and in difficult times or during separation, turn to this image. In the future, parallel to this image, a person creates other attachments.

Important! Attachment is formed in the first year of life. Until this time, it is not recommended to send the child to a nursery or separate him from his mother for a long time.

What it is?

Psychology says: a feeling of closeness to a person, which is based on great sympathy, devotion or love, is called attachment. A child develops this feeling towards people from early childhood, when his view of the world becomes more conscious. At first, the baby becomes attached to his parents. As he grows older, his social environment expands. Caregivers and teachers appear in a child’s life. He also begins to experience a certain craving for them.

If upbringing goes in the right direction, then the child grows up healthy both physically and psychologically.

When a child has not received the necessary care for a long time, and he has to constantly beg for attention from close people, his character may become intrusive and dependent on external evaluation.

If the correct attachment has not been instilled since childhood, then in adulthood a person is not able to create positive relationships with other people. Because of this, he may develop antisocial behavior. A person expresses his inclination towards something in his thoughts, in his attitude towards food, towards people, towards animals, even towards a particular course of his life. By and large, attachment is habits that give a person pleasure.

Sympathy for something or someone gives a person comfort, since he cannot live without various emotional needs. And even if he tries, it will immediately affect his general state of mind. That is why attachment exists in various relationships: in love, in friendship, in family. This means that thanks to attachment, a person develops emotional closeness with people and the world around him.

A healthy attachment is flexible and allows you to endure separation from the object of your affection without any problems. For example, a person in love will not throw hysterics about the fact that her loved one abandoned her or simply left for a long time. She will try to pull herself together, despite the onset of sadness, and will endure the separation steadfastly. When there is healthy affection in a relationship, the partners give each other the opportunity to freely develop and communicate with those people who appeal to them.

However, there is also a very strong attachment, which may have pathological signs. They appear when attachment develops into dependence. Then even a short separation from the object of adoration can be critical. In this case, panic attacks, hysterics and inappropriate behavior occur. The painful reaction of a person who has become dependent on another person narrows his surrounding world to a minimum. For a dependent person, fear fetters the consciousness, and therefore the variability of behavior disappears. An individual with unhealthy sympathy tries to take control of the object of adoration and stay close to him all the time.

The result is a manic desire to prevent separation. And when a partner expresses a desire to leave, the dependent person becomes hysterical. It seems to him that his life has lost its meaning. Therefore, you need to try to avoid relationships where there is an unhealthy interest of one person in another. Such a relationship will not end well.

Types of attachment

Attachments can be divided conditionally into several types, each of them is formed in childhood, but also depends on the child’s temperament. Types of attachment:

Safe
(healthy) – formed in a family where the child’s needs for care, attention and affection are fully satisfied. Children in such a family grow up self-confident, calm and easily adaptable to their surroundings.
Avoidant
- occurs when a child is systematically neglected; he grows up to be annoying, dependent on the opinions of others, and unable to build normal relationships.
Disorganized
- starts in a family where parents are prone to violence - the child grows up impulsive, aggressive towards others.

Emotional attachment

Any attachment is tied to emotions, negative, positive, or a mixture of them. Emotional attachment to a woman or man arises as a result of sexual intimacy and in women it forms faster. Emotional attachment has both a positive aspect: relationships with the inclusion of emotions are difficult to destroy - this is a good reason for married couples, but if the relationship at its core contains destructive or ambivalent emotions, it is difficult for such people to leave, they both love and hate each other, creating a vicious circle of painful cravings to each other.

Affective attachment

Affective attachment in psychology refers to neurotic attachment disorders and is expressed in excessive attachment to the mother, which makes it possible to classify this type of attachment as other unreliable types: ambivalent, neurotic. The distortion here is observed in the distortions of relationships: the child is very attached to the mother, but if she leaves even for a short time, when she appears there follows a burst of joy, quickly giving way to screams, reproaches and aggression towards the mother for leaving the child alone.

Ambivalent attachment

Obsessive ambivalence in attachment is characteristic of children and adults who were brought up in strictness and received less affection and attention, and grew up in conditions of “emotional hunger.” Ambivalent attachment can cause a more serious mental disorder - reactive attachment disorder, when a child or teenager tries to get attention from complete strangers, which makes him an easy prey for dishonest people.

Manifestations of ambivalent attachment:

hyperactivity;
control over one’s own activities and those of others;
anxiety, lack of self-confidence;
inappropriate expression of emotions (breakdowns, tantrums, anger);
distrust of the world;
ambivalent feelings towards mother, close people - from love to hatred several times a day.

Symbiotic attachment

A mixed type of attachment disorder, in which there is strong separation anxiety and a desire to merge with a significant other, to dissolve in him - this is a symbiotic attachment. For a newborn baby, symbiosis with the mother is very important for survival; the signaling systems of the baby’s and mother’s brains work in a synchronized rhythm, feeling each other. But the child develops and must gradually separate from the mother.

The crisis of 3 years, when the baby protests and tries to do things on his own, while the main phrase at this age is “I myself!” clearly demonstrates that it’s time to respect the little man’s right to separate and explore the world on his own. An anxious mother resists this process in every possible way, this happens because at one time she also had problems with separation from her mother, and feelings arise:

powerlessness;
total fatigue;
irritation and anger;
guilt and shame.

Signs of symbiotic attachment between child and mother:

The child appeals to his mother for all his activities and cannot take a single step without her;
commands mother;
needs external stimulation for activity, entertainment, self-interest does not arise;
does not know how to regulate and experience his emotional state.

Sexual affection

The need for attachment to a sexual partner is more pronounced in women than in men. Intimate or sexual attachment is formed under the influence of the release of large amounts of oxytocin during sex, which in men is slightly suppressed by testosterone, and in women is enhanced by estrogen, a hormone that has a calming and “binding” effect. Therefore, women can become attached to a partner after the first sexual contact, and attach great importance to sex.

A breakup with a partner is perceived as very painful by a woman. Often, sexual attachment is fused with emotional attachment. In men, emotional attachment to a sexual partner develops over time. For a woman, such affection is even deeper, because it carries a shade of gratitude for the sensual pleasure provided by her partner.

Avoidant attachment type

Attachment theory characterizes avoidant attachment as a disorder that occurs on average in 25% of people. Children with an emerging pattern of avoidance behave in a way that from the outside looks like indifference: the mother leaves or comes to them all the same. With an avoidant attachment type, a child can calmly communicate with strangers. Often parents cannot get enough of such children, bragging to friends that their child has independence beyond his years. This type of attachment appears in the following cases:

early separation from mother (long departure, death);
social deprivation;
excessive care and control at an early age;

Avoidant attachment - signs in childhood and adulthood:

inability to form long-term relationships;
inability to ask for help, support - they worry alone;
lack of attachment to significant, important people;
negative attitude towards outside attention; they prefer not to be touched.

Neurotic attachment

A child's attachment to his mother can be painful. Some children need the constant presence of their mother, and as soon as she leaves for a few minutes, they throw tantrums, and a good mother immediately rushes to calm the child down, dragging him everywhere with her. Over time, manipulations on the part of a growing child intensify and begin to cause severe anxiety. Such children learn the rule that in order to have a loved one nearby, they must suffer and play on their suffering.

In adults, sick or neurotic attachment is transferred to all significant relationships, but to a greater extent this applies to love relationships. How does this manifest itself:

life narrows down to one person;
the need for the other to see the meaning of life in these relationships;
constant anxiety and worries about relationships;
control over the personal life of another;
destructive feelings: jealousy, anger.

Disorganized attachment

Attachment disturbance in the form of displaying inconsistent patterns of behavior is disorganized attachment. This type of attachment is formed in childhood, in a family where parents are prone to violence and treat the child cruelly, as a result, children grow up unable to control their behavior, which is characterized by impulsiveness. This is expressed by lying, committing thefts, harming oneself and others, and violence. They live by the principle “I have nothing to lose!” Signs of disorganized attachment:

lack of empathy;
inability to adequately express one's emotions;
poor speech;
lack of research interest, curiosity, imagination;
inability to build close, trusting relationships with people;
there is no difference between those who can be trusted and those who cannot (they trust casual acquaintances, while close people are perceived as threatening);
people are perceived as a resource that can be used for their own purposes.

How to get rid of attachment

Ways to combat human addiction are gender-specific. They come down to isolation from the object and concentration on one’s own personality.

For men

A man's affection for a girl is not always a thirst for comfort. Often, behind the external equanimity and toughness of representatives of the stronger sex, there is a subtle, vulnerable nature capable of deep feelings. Addiction only brings negative consequences and you should get rid of it. Tips for men:

Accumulate energy for work. You can distract yourself and transform negative emotions into excitement and creative fervor by starting to build a career in an existing job or by opening your own business.
Increase physical activity. It is much more comfortable to suffer on a cozy soft sofa than to waste energy in the gym. But this way you will be able to get rid of obsessive thoughts about the girl and tidy up your appearance.
Improve yourself. Life is motion. We are all imperfect, but this can be fixed: get rid of a bad habit, lose weight, start reading more, enroll in foreign language courses. Any activity will help eliminate tormenting memories of your loved one, and there is also a bonus in the form of a new skill, improved health and appearance.
Meditation. If you don’t yet want to go to the gym or take classes, you can replace self-flagellation and thinking about a woman with meditative techniques. This will help not only remove unnecessary thoughts, but also rethink your life and understand many things.

Women

Girls experience a break with the object of their dependence no more acutely than men, but more emotionally. And it is in the emotional sphere that one should look for a solution to the problem.

READ What to do if your boyfriend leaves you and you love him

To start a new life after a breakup and forget your ex, you should:

Find a hobby. But not what the girl did during the relationship to spend time with her lover. You need a hobby that does not evoke painful memories and brings new emotions and aspirations.
Chat with friends and family and have fun. The destruction of the former centralized world led by a man brings the girl the feeling that her life is over. But there are people who need communication and support. Life is not focused on one thing or one person. It takes its course with sorrows and joys.
Take responsibility. It is comfortable to exist behind a man’s back, but this is not life. In reality, every adult is responsible for his own actions and solves his own problems.
See the positive sides in everything. Loneliness is an opportunity to stop and look back, analyze your lifestyle, behavior, plans. Don't waste your time sobbing into your pillow.
Get a pet. A little defenseless fluffy will be happy with the care and love redirected to him from a man who does not need it. A pet is a devoted friend, an attentive listener and a source of positive emotions.
Take a step towards new love. Sometimes the cause of addiction lies in the banal desire to love and be loved deeply. To start a new relationship and get rid of old ones, you need to go out more, meet new people, take care of your appearance and be sincere.
Start helping others. If a man does not need care, you can direct this energy to helping others - lonely elderly people, disabled people, orphans.

The female psyche is more flexible and adapts better to changing circumstances. But if you don’t have the strength to get rid of addiction yourself, it’s better to consult a psychologist.

Interpretation of attachment

In psychology, attachment is understood as a special pattern of behavior of an individual, which is characterized by attraction and subsequent retention of a person with something or someone. At the same time, the person does not associate any love, interest, or benefit with the object of adoration.

Often, addiction can cause painful and destructive feelings that not only hinder the individual’s potential, but also prevent them from building healthy relationships with people. For example, excessive passion for the Internet and computer games can “separate” a person from the real world, and attachment to an ex-man can negatively affect a girl’s future life.

Varieties of the condition

Psychological attachment can be healthy and sick. The first type is a conditional emotional intimacy that ends if the relationship becomes irrelevant. This can include a feeling of warmth and tenderness between a guy and a girl, and the cessation of communication after breaking up. Love passes, the couple ends the relationship, starting a new life. When attachment makes a person unfree, brings pain and suffering, the feeling turns into a neurotic disease that needs to be fought. In this case, even the very thought of the absence of the object of attachment causes pain, its real absence causes fear, suffering, and mental breakdown. Attachment gradually turns into an unhealthy dependence that is difficult to get rid of.

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Reliable

A stable emotional connection between people was first described by John Bowlby. The essence of the theory is that a person becomes attached to someone who shows care, warmth, and love towards him. A reliable type is formed from childhood, when the child calmly plays with children and toys, but periodically checks where his mother is. In adulthood, this type of relationship turns into attachment to a loved one. A man values a woman, has deep feelings for her, but allows her temporary absence. When the relationship deteriorates and the couple separates, everyone begins to live their own lives.

Remote

When close people are separated, a feeling of emptiness, loneliness, and boredom appears. It is normal for loved ones to miss you and look forward to meeting you. The problem arises when a person, deprived of an object of affection, begins to panic, shows helplessness, obsession, and cannot live normally and fulfill the responsibilities assigned to him.

Alarming

There are 2 types of attachment: anxious-stable and anxious-avoidant. In the first case, a person experiences discomfort when the object of adoration is lost from sight, in the second, he shows emotional lability and does not react in any way to the absence or long-awaited meeting. A person demonstratively ignores, although in fact he feels a need for an object of affection. This type of behavior is present in children who were abandoned by their mother and then returned, and in adults when the chosen one or chosen one makes mistakes and then tries to make peace.

Neurotic

Considered as a pathological mental disorder. The child cannot let go of his mother, he does not leave her one step. The lover is “on a short leash”; the girl cannot communicate with other men due to the excessive jealousy of the chosen one. Signs of neurotic attachment:

Denial of other relationship options: “Without him there is no life,” “Without her, life will lose meaning.”
Constantly together. The girl does not let the guy go to his friends, the man does not allow the woman to go shopping on her own.
Uncontrollable jealousy out of the blue without the slightest reason.
Obsessive desires: “I need to be loved more than life itself.”
Greed. The neurotic type of love is characterized by insatiability. I want more of everything.
Fear of being rejected. A sick person cannot be refused. An unanswered call or refusal of a planned meeting turns into a real tragedy. The thought of ending a relationship brings unrealistic mental suffering, and if this actually happens, threats of suicide will follow.
Self-deception. A person invents an object of love for himself and does not even suspect that he does not know how to truly love. A neurotic lives in an illusion and cannot accept the true state of things.
Attempts to evoke pity. A dependent person suffers humiliation, but cannot dot all the i's. He does everything to be pitied, because he suffers and is in pain.

The influence of attachment

The first months of a child's life are full of fears and anxieties. Mom is a source of security and peace. Trust in the mother later extends to trust in the whole world. This is the significance of childhood attachment. It influences a person’s attitude towards the world in the future. If a child does not feel safe and does not trust his mother, then in the future he will be suspicious of all people.

Visual, tactile, emotional, and verbal contact with the mother is important for the child. Otherwise, the need for intimacy and security remains unsatisfied.

As the child grows up, an equally strong need for independence, activity, and research arises. Emotional attachment then performs a supportive function. This means outside support for the mother and acceptance of the child. As a result, he demonstrates independence without emotional stress.

The attachment does not have to be between the child and the mother. It arises between the child and the adult who regularly satisfies his need for intimacy and security. With age, attachments strengthen or break.

It is normal when there are several attachments or when a child’s attachment weakens. Children grow up, meet love, start families. Of course, if they were taught this, if adequate attachment was formed.

Attachment as imprinting

Imprinting is a process that helps animals understand their social instincts. For clarity, let’s take the example of a baby animal. At first it can follow any object. But their number quickly decreases and soon, towards the end of imprinting, he follows only his mother. He is driven by fear. It also prevents the formation of new attachments.

The same thing happens to people. Only in their case the process develops more slowly. As stated above, in the first weeks after birth, children smile, cry, and grab the person who is next to them. This is how they demonstrate their affection and desire to hold on. As you grow older, the circle of such people narrows. Fear of strangers appears. As a result, there remains one object that the child constantly wants to see nearby. This is how imprinting on a specific person develops. It is he who encourages the child to follow his mother.