What to do if your husband raises his hand?
Hello, Natalia!
The problem of domestic violence has probably existed for thousands of years. And neither widespread progress nor an increase in the level of culture of society can solve it. Do they hope that their husband will change someday? Such hopes are not allowed to come true. Where does tenderness come from in a man who regularly raises his hand to a woman? A person capable of true love cannot constantly use physical violence against his half. Even when it, as representatives of the stronger sex who are prone to such actions say, “asks itself.” And, if a husband starts beating his wife, it is unlikely that he will ever stop.
So what to do if a husband beats his wife, and this has already become a habit? The question is quite complicated. Before looking for an answer, let’s try to understand the reasons why a husband beats his wife, and whether this behavior of a man can be justified in any way.
So why do husbands beat their wives in general? Yes, because they strive to gain power over at least something in this life. Simply put, such behavior indicates a man’s inner weakness, his vulnerability and inability to control his emotions. Such people, firstly, subconsciously see in their other half an object that should provide them with spiritual comfort. In their opinion, pleasing the husband and creating an environment in which the husband will feel strong is the sacred duty of the wife. And if a woman doesn’t succeed, fists are used. In fact, this is how a man punishes a woman for his own masculine failure.
If a husband allows himself to beat his wife, then deep down in his soul he is sure that his wife can leave him, and has every right to do so. In fact, the aggressor is very afraid of this, since he experiences a tremendous psychological need for his half. That is why he is trying to intimidate her, to make her subservient and controllable. Men of this type need constant concentration of a woman’s attention on their person. As soon as she switches to something else for even half an hour, her husband almost physically feels discomfort and emptiness. And he tries to correct the situation by any means.
It also happens that fights in the family are like a kind of love recharge. And after them, the spouses begin to feel even more attracted to each other. The situation with violence here is hopeless. It is simply necessary for a man and a woman to fuel passion and strengthen mutual affection.
In principle, almost all wives regularly beaten by their husbands are trapped in addiction. The overwhelming majority of them leave their tyrants from time to time, but then, for one reason or another, return to them again. Why does this happen? Because if a husband allows himself to beat his wife more than once or twice, she is already psychologically suppressed. Whether a woman wants it or not, she subconsciously becomes attached to her despot.
One way or another, this is a problem. Because a woman’s life and health are fragile things, and it’s very easy to lose them by turning into a punching bag for a brawler husband. No, of course, you can endure and humbly wait for the faithful to come to his senses or grow old and lose strength. And then we will finally perk up and make it up to him for all the wasted years! But will we expect such happiness? And is it happiness when you, aged, exhausted and exhausted, simply cannot enjoy life anymore? What about children? Where can they escape from the ever-present fear of family fights, which has completely killed the serenity of childhood?
It must be said that a woman who is strong-willed, ambitious, confident in herself and her strengths will never become a wife who is constantly subjected to beatings from her husband. Even if she finds herself in such a situation, she will not be tormented by doubts like: “Oh, my husband is beating me, what should I do?!”, but simply, without thinking for a long time, will immediately break off the relationship with the man. And he will never resume them again.
But a woman with a weak character, with low self-esteem, can tolerate a bully all her life. Thus dooming themselves and their own children to complete misfortune.
So what should you do if your husband beats and humiliates you constantly? First of all, don't let this happen. Don’t let yourself go, don’t cry over your unfortunate fate and don’t feel sorry for yourself. Just try to pull yourself together and think carefully about why this happened and whether it is worth living with this person further. Let's assess the situation soberly and without emotions and try to weigh all the positive and negative traits of the spouse. If it has more positive qualities than negative ones, it is worth trying to change the home microclimate.
To do this, a woman must try, first of all, to raise her own self-esteem. Today there are many methods for developing respect and love for oneself. Every person is valuable and worthy of happiness, and we are no exception. And no one has the right to encroach on this happiness and take it away from us.
If we want to save our family while improving the atmosphere in the house, we need to act gradually and consistently. Let's eliminate the fear of our spouse and tear it out by the roots! After all, we are free, which means that the choice of life path is always ours. And, since the decision has already been made to save the marriage, we will try to behave with our husband a little differently. We praise his virtues more often, we become more affectionate, calmer, and more positive.
All this will be effective only if the faithful realizes that he has problems with self-control, sincerely regrets it and is ready to work on himself. And if not... Well, then it’s best to say goodbye to him. Because no requests for forgiveness on his part, no ardent apologies and assurances of passionate love can guarantee that the beatings will not happen again. Life experience proves: a man’s assault, when regularly forgiven by a woman, eventually becomes habitual. Therefore, we do not make the proverb “He hits - that means he loves!” one of the tenets of his life.
May we be sincerely loved by those who, to prove their love, do not need to give up!
Good luck to you!
Labutina Larisa Sergeevna, psychologist Astana
what to do if your husband raised his hand? (4 answers)
A hackneyed topic: what to do if your husband gives up
The scandal surrounding Regina Todorenko is gaining momentum, declaring that women against whom their husbands raise their hands are themselves to blame. Many saw this statement as a justification for domestic violence. Although the TV presenter later tried to explain that she meant something completely different.
However, she is not alone in this opinion. Many people tend to blame the woman herself for what happened. It is assumed that she either drove the man to such behavior, or allowed herself to be treated this way.
Why do women actually become victims of tyrant husbands and who is to blame for this?
I'm not guilty…
Let us remember that the reason for the TV presenter’s statement was the story of Agata Muceniece, who publicly announced that her husband, the famous actor Pavel Priluchny, had beaten her.
Regina suggested that Agatha herself was also to blame for what happened. “Your husband beats you, haven’t you ever wondered why? What did you do to stop him from hitting you? What did you do to make him hit you?”
According to scandalous blogger Lena Miro, Agatha was too focused on her star husband and completely forgot about her own development.
“There are women who are beaten, and there are those who are not beaten,” Miro stated categorically. – Any woman who has built her life not around the work that burns her soul, but around a man’s pussy and its derivatives, is a woman who can be beaten. And here only the man - by virtue of his principles - decides: to hit or not to hit. If such a woman comes across a man with a reinforced concrete belief that women should not be beaten, there will be no cuffs, as well as respect. If you get caught by Priluchny, such a woman will be beaten. Again and again".
It must be admitted that some women do deliberately disappear into a man’s life. They abandon their own passions and interests, break with their former environment. In fact, in this way they destroy their own personality. Experts believe that this is how women subconsciously try to keep their husbands - you see, no one will love you like I do. However, this does not bring results. Because in this case we are talking about manipulation, which is read at the same subconscious level. In a man, such behavior causes irritation and aggression. And as a result, they often turn into domestic tyrants.
True, this tyranny does not always manifest itself in assault.
A man may simply be trying to bend his wife to his will. He begins to forbid her to communicate with friends and even relatives, and to control her every step. Constant criticism - she cooks poorly, dresses provocatively, does not take care of the house, etc. – this is also, to some extent, a manifestation of domestic violence.
By destroying his wife as a person, a man gains power over her. Some also consolidate this power with their fists.
– It all depends on the family. If this was considered unacceptable in the family, then a man is unlikely to be able to raise his hand against a woman. And if dad beat mom, then this is in the order of things for him,” says psychologist Dmitry Seynov.
Then such a man can lie at his wife’s feet, ask for forgiveness, explain that she herself brought him down, and swear his love. And many women forgive in such a situation. The notorious “hitting means loving,” oddly enough, seems convincing to them.
I remember how at one time the now infamous Roza Syabitova, sharing the details of her divorce with her husband who regularly beat her, admitted that she herself was in a similar delusion.
“He already beat me once, and then I was in the clinic,” she told us. – He was jealous of my employee. I wanted to get a divorce, but he called two days later and tearfully begged me not to do this, saying that he felt very bad and that he loved me. I couldn't refuse. I, like many other women, in this situation thought that what happened was just an accident.
However, this “accident” began to repeat itself more and more often, and eventually Rosa found the strength to leave her husband.
Although many women continue to endure, afraid to admit what is happening.
What to do if your husband raised his hand to you?
Does he hit you, does he love you? Nothing like this. Psychologists, at least, have a completely different opinion on this matter.
Is violence a result of powerlessness? The psychological portrait of a man who is capable of raising his hand against a woman is as follows: an insecure neurasthenic, most often in childhood suffering from parental despotism, who in adulthood asserts himself through physical violence against the weak. Outwardly, such men do not necessarily look like “Shuriks in short pants” (although this option is one of the most common). A “beating” husband may well turn out to be a strong, strong-looking man. “The point here is not a man’s build, but his psychological readiness for a serious relationship with a woman,” explains psychologist Elena Makarova. - So what if he looks like a real macho now? If his parents have put pressure on him since childhood, or he has some kind of physical defect that he has been correcting all his life, or he has problems with women, keep in mind: such a man is, in principle, prone to aggression. Some aggressive men even specifically look for a quiet, timid woman - a potential victim. Sometimes representatives of the stronger sex say so directly: “I don’t need an orphan, a girl from a dysfunctional family, so that she considers me a benefactor, so that I am everything to her.” It is not necessary (but most likely) that a man will beat his wife, but he will definitely humiliate his loved ones. Anything can serve as a “trigger” for violence against a wife, from troubles at work to personal experiences.
Hit once, will hit you again If a man has already hit you once, rest assured that this can happen a second or third time. You shouldn’t believe promises and remorse like: “I’ll never do this again, I don’t know what came over me.” Experts are sure: these are just excuses that “just once, and never again in life.” It is enough to change the strength of the stimulus, or the place, or the time, and the situation will repeat itself. “The fact is that the man in this case has already crossed the boundary of what is permitted, which is established by upbringing. All boys are told in childhood: “You can’t hit girls,” but for him this “stopping mechanism” is apparently broken once and for all if he raises his hand to a woman. Any, even the most slender man, has much greater striking power than a woman. If something happens, you will fly in such a way that it won’t seem like much. And it is almost impossible to change a person. He will stop beating you only if he is physically weak,” says Elena Makarova.
Try to start your life again. It is impossible to re-educate a brawler husband. Therefore, the only thing a woman can do for her own safety is to leave her husband. However, not everyone is capable of doing this. The main reason is self-doubt and fear of the future. For example, a husband earns well and fully provides for his wife. After leaving her husband, a woman is afraid of being financially insolvent. Or there is no apartment to go to. Or are there some other reasons why a woman continues to live with her sadistic husband. “For example, women are afraid of losing their status or their child, because many husbands blackmail their wives: “If you are indignant, I will kick you out and keep the child for myself. You are nobody, but I have connections: “By and large, everything, of course, depends on the woman, on her fear, because there is always somewhere to go. And the staff of rehabilitation centers that deal with problems of domestic violence are working to support the emotional state of the woman. And they are trying to convey to her that she should not be afraid to start life again: well, you left a luxurious house for a communal apartment, but no one will beat you there. As a rule, strong-willed women who find the strength to dramatically change their lives understand this and leave home. But ladies who are insecure rarely take such steps, leave everything as it is, and are subjected to physical violence again and again, explains Elena Makarova. Psychologists are sure: women who have experienced physical violence are trapped in addiction. To leave, they need a diverse support system - both material and psychological.
Husbands provoke their wives into hysterics. It happens that wives themselves are overly aggressive and prone to using physical measures as arguments. At the beginning of a quarrel, they often behave recklessly: they make caustic and humiliating remarks and pour buckets of insulting words on their husband. However, in fairness, it must be said that usually outbursts of wives’ rage are almost always a response to the inappropriate actions of their husbands. She is angry with him because her patience is at its limit. Hence the female hysteria. At the same time, a well-mannered, responsible man is able to endure his wife’s attacks and not use physical force. For a normal man, Elena Makarova believes, the level of aggression towards his own wife should be adequate, because a priori the wife is still the woman he loves and the mother of his children.
Four “ifs” that cannot be ignored - It is not so easy to figure out a sadistic future husband. Your candy-bouquet period can be simply wonderful: beautiful courtship, flowers, theaters, kissing hands. And then the man gets married and begins to bully his wife, knowing that she is absolutely defenseless. Such men most likely need the help of a psychologist. But before marriage, these inclinations cannot always be recognized. For this purpose, it is best to make friends with the chosen one’s mother, with his relatives and carefully ask them everything about the family “skeletons in the closet,” says Elena Makarova. There are several factors that can predict with a fairly high degree of probability a person’s tendency to commit domestic violence. The most significant are the four “ifs”. If he has a history of severe behavioral problems during adolescence. If he grew up in a family where violence was the norm. If his parents were too strict and punished him with excessive harshness, and even cruelty. If he suffered a head injury.
To change, you need to understand yourself. There are also some other small “signs”. For example, husbands who give up often experience serious difficulties in their studies. In addition, they demonstrate a lack of empathy towards people in general and towards their partner in particular. However, even with all four “ifs,” a man has a chance to remain civilized, but he can become a rapist without any “ifs.” Nevertheless, understanding that a person is at risk can be useful primarily for himself. After all, the temptation to use violence can be overcome, although it may not be easy... Aggressive behavior can be explained and can be treated. But this does not mean at all that the tyrant needs to be condoned or forgiven, and does not relieve him of responsibility for violence. Unfortunately, not all men prone to violence have the desire and motives to correct their behavior. Even fewer of them turn to psychotherapists.
Kira SMIRNOVA
We thank Elena Nikolaevna Makarova, a psychologist and teacher at VlSU, for her help in preparing the material. Phone: 8-903-647-30-90.
Note: Do not play the role of a victim, cultivate a sense of self-esteem, independence, and self-respect. Then your husband (or wife?) is unlikely to dare to raise a hand against you. If one day your husband does hit you, immediately put him in his place. Don’t listen to any “I’m sorry”, but leave the house temporarily to your mother, friend, wherever. Then, of course, we can return, but with a clear condition - if this happens again, then everything is over between us.
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