Do people around you not respect you? Look for reasons in yourself

Useless self-sacrifice

You ignore your own needs for the sake of others, but the world simply does not notice. And even if people insult you, you consider yourself to blame. This approach will inevitably lead to people frustrating you over and over again. Don't be afraid to tell the world if you don't like something. This will help you attract people with the same interests as you. On the other hand, unnecessary self-sacrifice most often goes unnoticed.

Advice from psychologists: how to achieve respect?

The following list of rules is tied to the specific situation, the circumstances in which you find yourself. Relationships in the work environment and in interpersonal communication are different, so advice is given in the context of the communication format:

A team

How to gain respect from your colleagues:

Showcase your professionalism . Respect is acquired through knowledge of the matter and the highest quality performance of job duties. If you have a detailed understanding of your craft, you will be valued by your peers and superiors.
Set boundaries on time. If you don't like something, say it right away.
It seems difficult to accomplish, but the whole point is the fear of conflict. The fear that you will be considered an aggressive and quarrelsome person is an irrational fear. If you feel like your rights are being undermined or neglected, don't put off having an important conversation. Otherwise, avoiding the conflict, conformism, will be perceived as weakness and colleagues will understand that such actions can be continued.

Chief

How to get your boss's respect:

Develop professionally. When you learn new things, independently show initiative in assignments, go to conferences or publish articles, in a word, show competence in the matter, the respect of your superiors grows.
Participate in company affairs . If you are already an accomplished expert in the craft and have extensive experience behind you, try to propose innovations in the company related to solving important current problems. This should be done carefully, in the form of advice. You shouldn’t rush with ideas and impose them.
Follow your boss's advice. If he is an intelligent, adequate person, ask how to do his job better, what is recommended to develop, what skills to acquire. After listening to your boss, take note of the information received and take the path of self-improvement.

Lack of self-esteem

You don't seem to feel when other people are being rude to you, or you just turn a blind eye to these "little inconveniences." But a naturally rude person will never love or respect you for this. So why do you continue to tolerate this? If someone acts like they don't care about you, then it really is true. Don't make excuses for rude people. Respect yourself.

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Change intonation

Often employees do not want to obey and show respect only because it seems to them that the boss wants to rise by issuing orders. Of course, in most cases this is not the case, and the purpose of the order, in fact, is its execution (and not the self-affirmation of the boss). But it is extremely difficult to prove this to subordinates. And therefore, the leader should give orders in a non-aggressive, calm form. At the same time, there should be confidence in your voice.

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You depend on the approval of others

People who have a pathological need for approval from others subconsciously give off signals that something is wrong with them. But those around them do not want to communicate with people who are somehow different from them. Stop expecting praise. You don't need to hear about how good a person you are to actually be one. And don't be afraid of criticism. People will criticize you for almost everything for one reason or another. Your opinion of yourself should always be the most important.

Possible reasons

There are many reasons why colleagues may dislike an employee, including envy of his success.

If you are familiar with the phrase “they don’t like me at work, I can’t understand why,” then there are a number of factors that can influence the emergence of hostility among colleagues.

A person who makes too much noise causes irritation. He can speak his thoughts out loud, commenting on his actions. Laughing too loudly or having a loud ringtone on your phone that constantly rings can also be annoying.
They treat poorly a person who does not know how to keep his mouth shut and is a blabbermouth. He cannot be privy to secrets. Moreover, if he accidentally hears something, he will definitely make it public.
They hate slobs who leave unwashed dishes in the sink, forget about spoiled food in the refrigerator, and don’t think about the fact that their colleagues are unpleasant about such behavior.
They don’t like people who try their best to interfere in the life of every colleague. They do not understand what personal space is and behave unceremoniously. Such people can take someone else's breakfast or drink tea from a colleague's cup without even asking permission.
The team doesn't like people who try to seem like the smartest. No matter what they talk about, he will always find something to resist. Believes that someone else's opinion is always wrong. Only he can be right.
Separation from the team does not add advantages to the employee. If you are absorbed in moving up the career ladder, are a notorious workaholic and don’t go to corporate parties at all, don’t go to a tea party with your colleagues, then you will definitely become an outcast in the team.
Colleagues can also be upset by a person’s unkempt appearance. Who would like to look at an employee with an unwashed hair, a bad manicure, or dirty, smelly clothes?
They may not like an employee who has a bad smell. This could be a strong aroma of perfume, the stench of sweat, or bad breath.
Hostility can also arise towards competitors. It turns out that teams don’t really like responsible, hardworking and purposeful people, especially if they are in good standing with the boss.
They don’t like sycophants who try with all their might to gain the trust of their superiors, constantly suck up and flatter the leader.
They may dislike a person whom they greatly envy. If for someone everything works out easily, this person has excellent appearance, a beautiful figure and he has a good family and obedient children, then other colleagues have a strong feeling of envy, which borders on hatred.
They cannot stand whiners and pessimists who constantly complain about their lives, about how hard they work, how many problems they have at home.
They don’t like employees who talk incessantly, ask stupid questions, or tell anyone information that is not interesting to anyone.

You look for the source of problems only within yourself

You automatically assume that everyone around you is right, except when it comes to yourself. You believe that you yourself are responsible for everything that happens around you. Remember that no one will thank you for this, but they may take advantage of you and make your life even more difficult. Finding the culprits is a thankless task. It will bring you neither love nor pity. Instead, focus your efforts on finding a solution to the problem.

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Boasting

If you constantly try to emphasize your strengths and ask for respect, then you are in a dependent relationship. The more you try to convince others that you are a good person, the more often you will receive refusal. Even if you really are.

You can show others that you are worth something only if you sincerely believe in it. If you know your worth, you won't need to prove it to anyone.

An employee's motivation may vary, but so can the boss's approach.

At the same time, an employee can show this rejection in different ways: challenge the received order in front of everyone, wage a hidden struggle, or weave intrigues. Managers often make the same mistake in this case. They want to put the subordinate in his place by any means possible, giving him arguments in favor of why the order should be carried out. But the problem is not to convince a person of the advisability of following an order. Employees in most cases do not want to seek practical benefits for the organization. He may not see any personal benefit in obeying this order. He has his own goals and objectives: it is important for a subordinate to sit out from call to call and get his money for it.

It is imperative to find out exactly why the subordinate does not want to carry out the order. What is behind his resistance? Could it be a disagreement with the way you are doing business, or perhaps personal interest and career ambitions? In this case, it does not matter what exactly the subordinate is hiding behind. He can use any arguments to justify himself - for example, saying that he cares about the good of the company. Therefore, the leader needs to influence not the external manifestations, but the internal reason that is behind the sabotage.

Most often, it happens that conflicts between a boss and a subordinate are hidden. After all, not every employee will decide to openly confront the manager. Depending on this, it is already possible to develop a further strategy: for example, improve the motivation system if the employee is not enthusiastic about following orders precisely because of monetary reasons. Or talk to your subordinate openly if he is not satisfied with the leadership style.

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Fear of Rejection

You don't want to upset anyone, even if it means inconvenience to you. You pretend that everything is fine so that others won't worry if you're not happy with something. As a result, you are very often dissatisfied with what is happening around you.

Don't be afraid to say no. Even the best people in the world can try to take advantage of you if you let them. Help others only if you really want to.

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The birth of parental authority: why don't teenagers respect us?

A teenager is a special type of person whose behavior often defies any logic and goes against any rules. Mom and dad have a particularly hard time at this time. No wonder. Parental authority drops to zero, and rappers, bloggers, influencers and successful peers become the rulers of the thoughts of boys and girls. Anyone except the annoying "ancestors". Why does this happen, and is it possible to earn the respect of teenagers again without resorting to manipulation and pressure? About this in the book “The Soul of Your Teenager. An anti-stress guide for parents,” says psychologist Pyotr Kolomeytsev.

Time for equal, respectful relationships

Adolescence is a time when a child’s previous relationship with his parents breaks down. Blind attachment and blind love disappear, the child no longer wants to simply obey his father and mother. Moreover, he also develops a critical attitude towards them.

Dialogue with a teenager:

- Why should I listen to you?

- Because your mother and father tell you so.

- No, will you explain to me why I should obey?

- Well, we are older, wiser, we have seen a lot in life. We have experience that you don't have.

- Why do you think that I need your experience too?

The child overestimates authorities that he has never questioned before. Relationships in the family begin to be rebuilt, and this process is often difficult and painful, especially if until this moment the parents treated the child as a part of themselves, and not as an independent person. Now parents will have to communicate with their child on equal terms.

Who are the “ancestors” for a child? A “hammer” that hangs over your head and knocks on it from time to time, or are these people with whom you can consult and discuss something? Is it customary in our relationship to suggest to a child: “Look how interesting it is! Let's think about this"? There are children who say with great gratitude that their parents passed on something valuable to them. For example, your taste.

My son remembers with pleasure that I introduced him to such rock bands as King Crimson, Gentle Giant, Genesis, and Pink Floyd. He went further and later began introducing me to jazz. But our exchange began with my step. And when I gave him two tickets to the King Crimson concert, he said: “Dad, I can only take one person with me to this concert - you.”

I myself am grateful to my father for discovering the Impressionists for me. I was 11 years old and ready to scream when, after many hours of walking through the halls of the Hermitage, he dragged me to the third floor. In the heat of the moment, I said that I would never look at this daub, but he still insisted and tried to explain to me what kind of art it was. As a result, it was these paintings that I remember most vividly. Moreover, these impressions led me to discover the world of painting. Isn't it nice when this happens?

It’s great if a child becomes an expert in some field for his parents, if his relatives tell him: “Well, you understand this better than us.” For a teenager, this “status” means that they listen to him, that his personality is respected.

I remember once my son played a musical composition for me to listen to. I listened and said: “I hear two rhythms. The moment they coincide sounds amazing!” To my surprise, my son threw his arms around my neck in response: “Dad, finally you heard!” How glad he was that the music training he conducted with me finally bore fruit.

So, old relationships collapse, and new ones are built on a more equal basis. We are interested in the tastes of our children, and they are interested in ours. There is a mutual exchange, mutual enrichment. And that is great.

The Birth of Parental Authority

Respect for parents, reverence, gratitude - we, of course, would like to instill all these qualities in our children. What can prevent this?

It often turns out that all the experience of adults serves not to help the teenager understand the situation, but to confront him, condemn him, and show him how wrong he is. Even if a teenager listens carefully to our comments and takes them into account, how will they help him? It is valuable when the life experience of parents serves other purposes - it shows how the situation can be corrected, how to behave in order to prevent it in the future. It’s good when the experience of elders brings good fruit, when you can somehow use it! For example, we can tell the child about some of our mistakes and share the conclusions we have drawn. Then it will be clear to the teenager that he is not the first to go through the path of growing up; he is not the first of people to try to learn to control his own behavior and actions. And before him there were people who faced similar problems and found ways to solve them. We, adults, need to share our experiences with children. If we don’t do this, the following picture develops in the teenager’s mind: there was a world, a planet, people lived on it and everyone always did the right thing. And the parents also always did the right thing: “I was your age...” And in this wonderful world, where no one ever made mistakes, never did terrible things, he, our teenager, appeared and ruined everything. He is a black spot! He is a disgrace to his family! The entire human race!

We parents don't remember well when we were teenagers. Or we don’t want to remember. But sometimes, listening to a child’s story about some incident, we can suddenly think and say: “Listen, this happened to me too. And then I didn’t act in the best way either!” If adults begin to remember themselves, their mistakes of youth, it becomes clear to them that the teenager should not be scolded - he needs to be helped. When a child sees that everyone actually makes mistakes, even their parents, he has a completely different picture of the world. “I had the same incident as a child. I was kicked out of school altogether, but in the end I somehow managed…” the father says to his son. This simple dialogue immediately places emphasis differently. The same terrible events remain, but the attitude towards them changes dramatically, and most importantly, there is hope that everything will work out. In addition, our teenager understands that parents have valuable experience in how to get out of the worst pit, and their authority is only growing.

Unfortunately, parents are convinced that the main thing in raising children is to protect their authority. Its undermining, in their opinion, is the end of any education. Therefore, they try their best to maintain their “façade” so that the child constantly feels like a fly in a sterile space. And the child, in accordance with their requirements, must be just as crystal clear. And if he makes a mistake, that’s it, there’s no way forward. What does this “strategy” teach a teenager? Only because he is a terrible person. As a result, a strange picture emerges: parents are an example for the child, but they cannot teach him how to get out of a difficult situation.

The child often feels guilty. Even for things that are not his fault. It seems, what is the logic here? But the child doesn’t need logic: he just feels that way. Parents quarreled - and who is to blame? He decides: “It’s all because of me.” Because parents cannot be wrong, they are always right, it is impossible to even imagine that one of them would ask the other for forgiveness. It is often believed that asking for forgiveness is indecent and unpedagogical. Thus, in quarrels between parents, in any scandal, in everything that happens bad in the house, the child inexorably turns out to be to blame.

And yet, as a priest, I can say that recently some parents have begun to ask for forgiveness from their children. And the very fact of such parental treatment makes a very strong impression on children.

Ignoring one's own interests

You are used to adapting to the needs of other people, so it is difficult for you to understand your own desires. You yourself cannot decide what to do, so you always listen to outside opinions. If you are unable to make decisions and feel helpless, other people are unlikely to respect you. Learn to listen to your own desires and do not be afraid that you may offend others. Most likely, your fears are far from reality, and you can always find a compromise.

You cannot define the boundaries of what is permitted

You always forgive others, because it is easier to do than to stand up for yourself. Even if others disrespect you, you make excuses for them. It is important to define your own boundaries of acceptable behavior so that you do not allow others to cross them with you. People who allow everything do not command respect.

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Fear of loneliness

You turn your relationship into a cult, sacrificing yourself. Moreover, doing this makes you feel comfortable. Perhaps this is why you only meet bullies, narcissists and selfish people, because you allow yourself to be used.

You shouldn't have to choose between your relationship and your self-esteem. If you have to make this choice, something has gone wrong. Be bold and don't be afraid of change. Think of solitude as freedom, and you will never be on your own for long.

You think respect has to be earned

You agree that respect should be a result of action or behavior. As a result, you do not feel comfortable if your relationship with someone is equal because you strongly believe that respect must be earned. You think that a person has value only if they have done something.

The truth is that love or respect cannot be “bought.” Learn to love and be loved unconditionally, and your relationships with other people will become much easier.

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Why am I not liked at work and what to do about it