How to get out of a toxic relationship with a man: advice from psychologists

Any relationships that we develop with other people should give only positive emotions, help us improve ourselves and raise our level of consciousness. When you have healthy, strong, adequate relationships with the people around you, then you feel happy, confident in your abilities and a self-sufficient person.

But sometimes a situation arises that relationships with a loved one, parents, friends, colleagues, bosses make us feel insignificant and unhappy. Such relationships are usually called toxic, because they literally poison our lives and make it unbearable.

Toxic relationships: concept and signs

Toxic relationships are a type of unhealthy interaction between people that only brings emotional pain and complete depletion of internal resources to one of the parties. In the process of such communication, one person constantly morally poisons the life of another person, causing him to experience negative emotions, feel scared, insignificant, used, depressed.

Normal interaction brings many benefits to people, because thanks to healthy and adequate communication, they experience positive emotions and have enough space for personal growth. Toxic relationships can, over time, cause a number of mental and physical illnesses.

A person who feels uncomfortable in a relationship will definitely face in the future:

apathy;
continuous stress;
nervous breakdown;
depression;
a stable decrease in one’s own self-esteem;
panic attacks.

Many victims of toxic relationships, who constantly experience negative emotions in the process of communicating with their tormentor, end up in psychiatric clinics, and some of them attempt to commit suicide.

To understand whether you have a toxic relationship with a particular person, you need to understand the main signs of an unhealthy and toxic interaction.

Your relationship is toxic if:

after communicating with a person, sitting in a cafe, correspondence, meeting, you experience mental discomfort, feel empty, scared, morally depressed;
the person behaves aggressively and defiantly towards you;
the interlocutor constantly criticizes you, does not allow you to express your point of view;
your arguments with your interlocutor are destructive and do not give any positive result;
you cannot openly and calmly discuss the issues that really concern you;
you are constantly dissatisfied with yourself, so you begin to hate and despise yourself;
you feel like an unhappy and lost person who still can’t find the right path in life;
you understand that you are being manipulated, but you can’t do anything about it.

Toxic relationships are harmful, unfavorable, unhealthy, dangerous to mental and physical health, toxic relationships that “give” only negative emotions and make the victim doubt himself and his own abilities.

Who can get into a toxic relationship?

CONTENT:

Toxic can be called any interaction between people in which someone experiences constant emotional stress and complete burnout of resources. All types of relationships can be unhealthy and destructive, including:

business or in a work team;
personal relationships between spouses or lovers;
relationships between parents and children;

There are people who tend to get into toxic relationships. If a person falls in love as soon as he likes someone, tends to appropriate the object of his sympathy for himself, and his mood begins to depend on the actions of the object of his interest - there is a tendency towards unhealthy dependence. Such people often turn out to be those who do not have their own strong supports and lack self-love. Trying to get what they need from the outside throws them into a situation of dependence, where they can be manipulated, consciously or unconsciously, through their emotional hunger and weakness.

Dependent people try to create the meaning of life from their partner: all actions and all thoughts are only about him, for his sake and about him. They may take on too much and not cope with the load, or try to control the situation in accessible ways in fear of losing a loved one, but the result is the same: the unfortunate victim does not find support in her partner, and pays for her own weakness with everything she had.

Don’t think that only a psychologically weak person can end up in a sick relationship. Not at all: stable and self-confident individuals get stuck in unhealthy relationships; there are many examples of how stable families, businesses and the most promising novels collapsed thanks to the skillful manipulations of unscrupulous greedy partners who appeared on the horizon.

Toxic relationship with a man

When you first met him, you could not even imagine that a sweet, smiling, well-mannered young man who adores you would soon turn into a tyrant who ruins your life and makes you experience a lot of negative emotions. Once you realize that you have been in a toxic relationship for several months or years and are poisoning the lives of yourself and your children, then you will have no choice but to say goodbye to such a man forever and never contact him again.

The main signs of a toxic relationship with a man:

1. he constantly controls you;

2. he forbids you to communicate with friends;

3. he gets offended and angry if you do your favorite things;

4. he is insanely jealous of you and makes huge scandals about this, although you did not give him any reason to behave this way;

5. he does not tell what is bothering him, but begins to play the silent game or utter meaningless phrases;

6. you turn a blind eye to his boorish behavior;

7. he avoids adult constructive dialogues;

8. you are not connected by the present or the future, but only by the past;

9. you cannot discuss problems that concern you with your partner;

10. he constantly criticizes you;

11. you do not feel safe and cannot say that your relationship is stable;

12. thinking about a future together, you realize that you simply don’t have one;

13. you independently solve your own and joint problems, since at such moments your man does not support you at all;

14. you feel like an unhappy and morally devastated woman;

15. you are constantly looking for an excuse for the fact that you are still together with this man;

16. he openly manipulates you;

17. he decides for you, without taking into account your opinion;

18. he constantly makes fun of you, your style, your tastes, etc.

Psychologist Oraz Abulkhair advises women who find themselves in such an unpleasant situation not to try to correct the man, but simply leave him. Remember the joke about the girl who loved a crocodile? Although the crocodile first bit off her leg, then her hand, and then aimed at her head, the poor thing sincerely believed until the last that her love could create a real miracle and turn a bloodthirsty predator into a meek angel. Do not forget that we are given only one life, which we need to live with dignity and happiness.

Is it possible to “heal” relationships?

If a relationship or love seems like you have to fight for it, it's a sure sign that it's too late to fight. If you honestly ask yourself with whom this struggle should be, it immediately becomes clear: the struggle with your partner is already enough. If things haven’t gone too far, the situation will change, you just have to take care of yourself and your own affairs. The tactics with a partner are simple: for every step you take towards him, you can take one of your own. If he steps back, you need to move away, and not chase after him with all your goodness and love.

Maria, 42 years old:

I have been married for 4 years, life has taught me to take care of marriage and always play on my husband’s side. I always chose his side, did not mention his shortcomings and tried to anticipate his desires. At first I was upset by the lack of reciprocity in my personal life; having received what I wanted, he did not care about me, promised to do everything next time and fell asleep. In the end, I got used to it, it became the norm when I brought him a rubber boat for fishing from a business trip, and he gave me a couple of rubber ducks for the bath. He constantly confused me, I stopped communicating with friends, by the end of the marriage I lost my job and could not stop crying. Everything changed when I stopped calling him first. Then she began to agree with his refusals to spend time together and went into a hobby. I managed to put my passion for sewing on a commercial basis; now I sew expensive clothes for pets. It was as if I saw myself through the eyes of my clients: skillful and successful; before, I always felt somehow out of place. My husband’s interest has returned, but the more persistent he is, the more I expect a divorce: I can’t forget how I cried for a whole year of my life.

How to get out of a toxic relationship: advice from psychologists

Getting out of a toxic relationship is difficult, but possible! To do this you need:

✔ do not ignore reality, but live “here and now.” Don't think that the person who is making your life miserable will realize that he is doing wrong, will change in the near future, will start treating you with respect, etc. Learn to objectively assess what is happening and draw appropriate conclusions;

✔ consider your own emotions. As soon as you start living in the present moment, you will face the problems that have accumulated. Do not ignore them or put them off, but look for solutions that are acceptable to you;

✔ Do not be a categorical person and do not escalate the situation. No matter how toxic your relationship is, you must understand that everything depends only on you. Some people manage to get rid of toxic relationships in a few minutes, while others take years or decades. The sooner you begin to resolve this issue, the faster you will regain your peace of mind and inner peace;

✔ take care of yourself. You should stop feeling sorry for the person who negatively influences you and start developing self-compassion. Don't be like a toxic person and don't criticize yourself, because perfect people don't exist. If an action causes you emotional pain, promise yourself that you will try not to do it again;

✔ concentrate on your interests. As soon as you meet a toxic person again, tell yourself that he has no power over you. Only you have the right to decide how exactly you should react to certain negative words addressed to you;

✔ start keeping a diary or video blog. Every time you feel stressed and anxious after communicating with the person who is sending your life, open your journal or turn on your camera. Express in writing or orally everything that worries you. Don’t be afraid to focus on your emotions, and not on your partner’s feelings. This way you can quickly calm down and put your thoughts in order;

✔ tune in to the fact that you have to go through a difficult period. Getting out of a toxic relationship is very difficult. Therefore, it is not surprising that you will experience a lot of negative and heart-tearing feelings. Don't ignore these emotions, just try to experience them. Over time it will become much easier for you;

✔ determine what exactly you will lose if you leave a toxic relationship. Many victims of toxic relationships think that by ending an unhealthy relationship, they will lose something very valuable and important to them. Often this is just a fantasy or illusion that the toxic person imposed on you. In fact, you do not lose anything, but give yourself the opportunity to make your life happier and of higher quality;

✔ make a list. In this list, indicate your principles that you are not going to violate. Write that you will not argue or make trouble with a person who has had a good drink before. You will not sleep in the same bed with a person who is rude to you and insults you. You will not communicate with a friend who suppresses you morally, etc.;

✔ start creating your own life. Dream of a wonderful future for yourself and your children. Sign up for courses, find like-minded people, do something that you always don’t have time for, etc. Do what gives you pleasant emotions and makes you a happier person;

✔ learn to build healthy relationships. If you really want to cleanse your life of toxic relationships, you need to start investing in healthy relationships now. Try to interact with your partner, children, friends, parents, relatives, colleagues, bosses in such a way that neither you nor them are hurt. Only communicate with those people who help you become better. If you do not have the opportunity to end a toxic relationship with a particular person completely, then try to reduce communication with him to a minimum. Learn to calmly respond to his criticism and manipulation.

How to end a toxic relationship

Leaving a toxic relationship is not easy. This is due to the fact that you need to have a good idea of what is happening. Since each case is unique, there are no universal recipes.

Sometimes circumstances develop in such a way that they do not allow you to realize in time what is really happening. Only a detailed study of the situation will make it possible to understand the true motives and real obstacles. To get a clear picture, you need to let yourself go and perhaps the situation will appear from a completely unexpected angle. The most important thing is to try to look at relationships from the outside and your own role in these relationships.

The most important thing is that when deciding to leave a toxic relationship, you need to clearly understand that you will have to change not only your lifestyle, but also restructure your thinking. In fact, in some ways you will have to create yourself anew, while simultaneously eliminating the psychological and emotional wounds you have received.

Recognizing the problem

Recognizing a problem in a relationship is the first and very big step towards “recovering” from a toxic relationship. After all, recognizing a problem is already half of solving it. The presence of toxicity in a relationship must be clearly identified and communicated.

In order to clearly identify the problem, you will need to make a considerable effort. But this will be the right decision and will become a barrier to the further disintegration of your personality.

Feeling of self-respect

This feeling is very important if you need to break off a relationship. And an unhealthy relationship cannot be broken without getting hurt if you don’t make an effort.

Even if your self-esteem has been destroyed over a long period of time, try to convince yourself that you are a unique person. Therefore, first of all, it is necessary to take into account your desires, needs and goals. And don’t re-enter the role of a victim of a toxic relationship when your partner’s wishes are the law. By starting to respect your own needs, you will inevitably begin to grow and develop as a person. A person realizes why efforts were previously made. All this is the path to mental recovery after a toxic relationship.

Unconditional self-acceptance

To get away from an abnormal relationship, you will have to try. It will be necessary to change the attitude not only towards people, but also the surrounding reality as a whole.

When “recovering” from a toxic relationship, force yourself not to reproach yourself for past mistakes. And especially, don't do it in public. Accept yourself completely, along with the right to make mistakes. Recognizing your value helps you overcome difficulties, realize existing prospects, feel like a unique person, your worth and significance.

You need to understand and accept that being attentive to your own needs is not selfishness. It is necessary to have a healthy desire for responsibility and be able to defend individual interests.

Help from a psychologist

In most cases, toxic relationships are the result of psychological trauma suffered in childhood or later in life. It is necessary to understand in detail what happened and why it was necessary to act in a certain way.

When psychological problems remain unprocessed, this leads to a number of subsequent complications. There is an inability to trust people and follow the voice of one’s own heart. The problems that arise prevent you from experiencing joy, hinder self-realization and personal growth. The resulting toxic relationship significantly poisons a person’s life. They can turn life into hell, deprive you of self-confidence and all sorts of ambitions.

In case of severe emotional trauma, if you cannot cope with the problem on your own, then to restore psychological balance it is advisable to seek help from a specialist - a psychologist or psychotherapist.

Recovering from a toxic relationship

☑ Having left a toxic relationship with a partner, the worst thing a woman can do is seek solace in the arms of another man. Don't view your new partner as a therapeutic tool that will help you quickly forget about your past relationship. The person you want to start building a healthy relationship with should not help you forget about your ex-lover. You should start a new relationship only when you realize that you have completely freed yourself from the old relationships.

☑ To recover from a breakup with a loved one, friend, relative, or colleague, you need to give yourself time to reassess your own values. Think about what level your self-esteem is now, try to regain your own “I”, gain hope that success and healthy relationships await you in the future.

☑ Dedicate the freed time to yourself, your needs, family and friends, your favorite pastime, and learning new aspects of life. Take care of your spiritual, mental, physical health and do not forget that your desires should be a priority.

☑ Throw away the hatred, empty fears and disappointments that prevent you from being reborn after a difficult toxic relationship. Try to objectively analyze the current situation and understand why you found yourself drawn into a destructive relationship. If you learn useful lessons from a negative experience, you can avoid a similar situation in the future.

☑ Don't be afraid of loneliness. First you need to love yourself and solve internal problems. Once you realize that you have learned to take care of yourself and love yourself, a worthy person will definitely appear in your life with whom you can build a healthy and stable relationship.

☑ Do not be afraid to seek help from professionals if you understand that you cannot cope with your problems on your own. Do not forget that leaving a toxic relationship and recovering from it is a complex process that requires enormous effort from a person.

How to build healthy relationships

Let's say a woman was able to take this important step. The toxic relationship is over, the acute period of grief has passed. What to do next? How not to step on the same rake?

An unpleasant pattern is that without internal changes we choose the same type to build intimacy. It can be very difficult to track this, since a toxic personality type tends to disguise its essence under a plausible mask and external picture. A person may think that he is building a different type of relationship, but in reality everything will turn out to be the same problems.

Manipulators and abusers perfectly read the type of personality that can be “absorbed.” And this is always a person with undermined self-esteem, lack of self-confidence and an abundance of psychological complexes. It is such a person who tends to dissolve in his partner, which is the goal for the narcissist.

The right decision would be to start changing yourself. Once your self-esteem approaches an adequate level, you will unconsciously begin to choose people with whom you can build healthy relationships. You shouldn’t go headlong into searching for a new partner as soon as you get out of painful experiences. It will be more useful and correct to start with yourself.

What steps should you take to make positive changes in yourself?

Start seeing a psychologist

If you have not started working with a specialist earlier, now is the time. A psychologist will help you understand yourself, find the roots of your problem and ways out of it. This is a difficult and time-consuming process, but it is the one that gives the most noticeable positive results.

It is quite possible that you will have to spend some time searching for “your” specialist. Sometimes even a psychologist with an excellent portfolio and excellent reviews may not be the one a particular person needs. Do not hesitate to look for and change a psychologist if you feel the need.

Adequate reflection

Listen to yourself honestly and sincerely. At first, this will not be easy, because during a relationship with a toxic person, a person loses himself and stops hearing his desires and needs.

To simplify the process, a technique called “Emotion Diary” can help. Its essence is to write down in a notebook for a month the events and feelings that arise in connection with them. At the end of this period, you can analyze and track what feeling you have most often in life. This will help identify one of the first goals for psychological work.

It also makes sense to keep yourself a wish list. Write down all the impulses that arise there, from private to the most large-scale. This will help you determine which path is best for you to move forward.

It is worth remembering that absolutely psychologically healthy people do not exist. Heredity, the costs of environment and upbringing, combined with life experience, will certainly create certain problems for a person. Its depth and thoroughness varies, but the essence remains the same.

But the more we work on ourselves, the more likely it is that we will meet a person who will be truly close to us. Healthy intimacy is possible only when both partners realize their worth, accept themselves and others, and hear their needs and desires of the other. And it is precisely such relationships that become the strongest and happiest.