Adequate self-esteem: what is it and how to achieve it?

Why do you need to evaluate yourself?

It helps develop personality. The functions of self-assessment are as follows:

Regulatory. Helps in decision making.
Protective. Provides stability and independence of personal boundaries.
Developmental. Stimulates a person to broaden his horizons, gain new knowledge and skills.
Signal. Helps you evaluate the adequacy of your actions.
Emotional. Allows a person to be satisfied with himself.
Adaptive. Helps you find your place in the world.
Prognostic. Responsible for activity when a person starts a new activity.
Corrective. Allows self-control while performing any work.
Retrospective. Helps to adequately evaluate activities at the final stage.
Motivating. Encourages action in order to be satisfied with oneself and feel proud.
Terminal. Provides an opportunity to stop activities if dissatisfaction with oneself arises during the process.

The definition of self-esteem implies that it is the basis for a person’s perception of the world. It reflects the degree of satisfaction with your actions. Therefore, high or low self-esteem prevents an adequate perception of what is happening.

Self-Esteem Functions

Psychologists identify 3 main functions of personality self-esteem:

Protective function. Personal self-esteem forms the degree of a person’s independence from other people’s opinions, and self-confidence makes it possible to feel relatively protected from the influence of any external unfavorable factors.
Regulatory function. Self-esteem gives a person the opportunity to make choices and regulate his life path: set goals and objectives for himself and follow his own, and not someone else’s, goals.
Developmental function. Thanks to self-esteem, a person develops and improves, since it acts as a kind of motivating factor for self-development.

Myths about self-esteem

This concept is well known to everyone, but not everyone knows exactly how a person should perceive himself for a comfortable life. In connection with this, the following stereotypes arose:

The formation of self-esteem occurs only based on the opinions of other people about a person. This is only true for children. With age, personal experience becomes the main, although not the only, criterion for one’s success.
A person with normal self-esteem can always perceive others correctly. An inadequate self-image leads to the same attitude towards others. Unfortunately, the rule does not always work in the opposite direction.
The higher your self-esteem, the better. This is only true if the person is truly very successful, i.e. he perceives himself adequately. Otherwise, this will hinder its development and complicate communication with other people.
Men's self-esteem depends on the number of partners in their intimate life. In reality, this state of affairs is only a consequence of inadequate self-perception. After all, the number of partners does not always indicate any attractive personality traits. On the contrary, often it is through success in intimate life that both men and women try to compensate for lack of self-confidence.
Self-esteem must be stable. This interferes with personal development. A normal self-perception must be flexible and adjustable due to changes in evaluation criteria or due to other significant factors.
Women's self-esteem should not be high, because modesty is a beauty for a girl. This is another fairly common stereotype. Modesty is a character trait that can be present in both high and low self-esteem.
The perception of oneself formed in childhood cannot be changed. Ideas established at a young age are very difficult to correct. However, it is possible. Moreover, the formation of adequate self-esteem usually occurs in adulthood. Moreover, it is based on a person’s personal experience.
High and low self-esteem are equally bad. In fact, a self-confident person has more internal resources to achieve what he wants. This does not mean that one should not strive for an adequate perception of oneself. After all, the role of self-esteem in a person’s life lies in the ability to choose an activity according to one’s strengths and abilities, as well as control personal growth.

Low, high and inflated self-esteem

You can often hear such expressions as “adequate self-esteem”, “low or low self-esteem”, “high self-esteem”, “inflated self-esteem”. Let's figure out what they mean in simple words.

Low self-esteem (low self-esteem) is giving yourself, your personality, lower ratings and characteristics than they really are.

Inflated self-esteem is the perception of one's own personality at a higher level compared to reality.

Accordingly, adequate, ideal, high self-esteem is the most objective and realistic assessment of one’s own personality, the perception of it as it is: no better, no worse.

Both low and high self-esteem prevent a person from developing, but this manifests itself in different ways. In fact, there are very few people with adequate, high (but not inflated!) self-esteem. Numerous studies by psychologists have proven that most often people have low self-esteem, which is one of the most serious reasons for their failures in life. Including, in relation to the theme of the site “Financial genius” - and a low level of financial condition. Therefore, it is very important for people who have low self-esteem to think about increasing their self-esteem, and not just think about it, but begin to act in this direction.

Types and levels

Types of self-esteem in psychology are characterized by many parameters:

depending on the level: high, medium, low;
in terms of realism: overestimated, underestimated and adequate;
by structural features: constructive and destructive;
depending on the level of stability: stable and fluctuating.

In psychology, self-esteem is most often divided into the following 3 categories:

understated;
average (normal, adequate);
overpriced.

The optimal self-esteem of a person is quite high, which changes under the influence of acquired experience. Both an overly stable perception of oneself and a constantly fluctuating one have a negative impact on the individual.

A person is prone to stable self-esteem. In this regard, psychological phenomena arise, such as the discomfort of success or the affect of inadequacy (i.e., denial of achievement or ignoring the fact of defeat).

Self-esteem is normal when it contributes to an adequate perception of one’s own actions. Such a person does not deny his positive qualities and works on his negative ones. He achieves his goals, lives in harmony with himself and is satisfied with life.

A person with high self-esteem tends to make unreasonable claims to others. He is unable to build constructive relationships with others. But more often there are people with low self-esteem. This perception of oneself does not allow one to develop potential, express individuality, or achieve any success. The slightest difficulties become a reason to abandon your plans. A person is overcome by a feeling of guilt and disappointment, which only aggravates the situation.

Low self-esteem can have high and low levels of aspirations. In the first case, a person tends to feel his own inferiority and constant anxiety. The second is to exaggerate your shortcomings.

High and low types of self-esteem are closely related. Both can arise due to the fact that in childhood the child was constantly admired and over-praised. High self-esteem can last a lifetime. But sometimes, faced with difficulties in adolescence or adulthood, such a person risks losing faith in his own abilities.

Why do you need high self-esteem?

Now let's look again at why adequate, high self-esteem is so important. Many people have a stereotypical opinion that high self-esteem is bad, that you need to “know your place and sit and keep your head down.” And such a belief, by the way, is also one of the signs of low self-esteem.

In fact, low self-esteem of an individual gives rise to many problems, causes the development of complexes and even mental disorders, and most importantly, it greatly hinders a person’s development and movement forward. Simply because he is not sure that he can go through any specific steps. Such people “go with the flow”, and the main thing for them is that no one bothers them.

High self-esteem, on the contrary, opens the way to achievements, to new heights, new areas of activity.

There is one more important point: if a person has low self-esteem, other people will never rate him highly (and this, as you remember, is important for him!). While a person with high self-esteem is always known and respected, his opinion is valued and listened to.

People will begin to appreciate and respect you only when you have adequate high self-esteem and self-confidence. Believe in yourself and then others will believe in you!

Where does self-doubt come from?

The formation of self-esteem occurs at different periods of life. In each individual period of time, the most significant factor at the moment develops. The most important period when self-esteem develops is considered to be childhood. After all, it is at an early age that a person acquires fundamental ideas about himself, the world and those around him. Much during this period depends on the parents: their degree of acceptance of the child and awareness of what self-esteem is and how it affects the child’s life. The most important thing at this age is approval from elders. The child unquestioningly assimilates the self-esteem set by his parents.

The roots of self-perception are found in deep childhood. Parents often call their child an incompetent, a bungler, and other unpleasant words. Since the formation of self-esteem is just beginning in childhood, the child does not question the words of adults. Mother and father at this stage are undeniable authorities for him. No matter how good their intentions, the child will learn for many years, if not for the rest of his life, that he is bad and does not live up to the expectations of his loved ones. Over time, this will lead to the development of low self-esteem and a guilt complex.

To prevent such a scenario, parents should not scold their child if something doesn’t work out, especially if the child does it for the first time.

To raise a person who adequately perceives himself, parents need to not only understand how a child’s self-esteem is formed, but also work on their own. Do not forget that children subconsciously copy the behavior of adults. Thus, they run the risk of inheriting low or high self-esteem.

In adulthood, the foundations of stable self-esteem can be disrupted by severe emotional shock, such as the loss of someone close, being fired, or any major failure. You should start restoring your self-confidence immediately. You can cope with this on your own if the events that occurred did not lead to depression. In other situations, it is better to contact a specialist. The influence of self-esteem on human behavior is difficult to overestimate. It is this factor that sets the vector of life.

Definition of self-concept

Self-concept is a person’s stable idea of himself, the image of his own “I”. Typically viewed as our individual perception of our behavior, abilities, and unique characteristics—a mental picture of who you are as a person. For example, the beliefs “I am a good friend” or “I am a good person” are part of overall self-esteem.

Self-concept is more flexible when people are younger and still going through the process of self-discovery and identity formation. As people mature, they develop a better understanding of who they are and what is important to them, and self-esteem becomes more nuanced and organized.

Based on what different psychologists have identified, one can understand what is important in a person’s self-esteem. And you can see many of these positions in modern self-esteem tests. Or you can find a test for a specific area to evaluate it.

According to the book by Richard Crisp and Rhiannon Turner, considered the main researchers of social psychology, the human self consists of 3 parts:

The individual self consists of the attributes and personal characteristics that distinguish us from other people. Examples include introversion or extroversion.
The relational self is defined by our relationships with significant others. For example, brothers and sisters, friends, spouses of some authorities.
The “collective self” reflects our membership in and interaction with social groups. For example, the school class, Russians, Tatars, workers, communists, engineers, rock music lovers, a patriotic circle, the gay community.

Like many other topics in psychology, a number of theorists have proposed different ways of thinking about self-concept.

According to a theory known as social identity theory, self-esteem consists of two key parts: personal identity and social identity.

Personal identity includes the traits and other characteristics that make each person unique. Social identity refers to how we identify with a collective, such as a community, religion, or political movement.

Psychologist Dr. Bruce A. Bracken, a longtime student of self-esteem in adults and children, proposed in 1992 that there are six specific areas related to self-esteem:

Social: ability to interact with others
Competence: ability to meet basic needs
Affect: awareness of emotional states
Physical: Perception of appearance, health, physical condition and appearance.
Academic: success or failure in school
Family: How well a person functions within a family.

Humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers, who for many years was interested in self-actualization, development and self-understanding by a person, believed that all that is needed for the growth and development of the natural potential inherent in a person is only to create the appropriate conditions. Self-esteem itself consists of three parts:

Self-image or how you see yourself. Self-image, including physical attributes, personality traits, and social roles. It does not have to match reality; some people may have an inflated self-image, while others may perceive or exaggerate flaws and weaknesses.
Self-esteem or how much you value yourself. This includes how we compare ourselves to others and how others react to us. When we respond positively, we are more likely to develop positive self-esteem. When we compare ourselves to others and find ourselves lacking in something, it can negatively impact our self-esteem.
Ideal Self or how you would like to be. In many cases, the way we see ourselves and the way we would like to see ourselves are not exactly the same.

Congruence and incongruence

Our ideas about ourselves do not always fully correspond to reality. Or rather, more often than not they do not coincide. People will present themselves completely differently. Carla Rogers called the degree to which a person's self-esteem corresponds to reality congruence. If it does not correspond, it is incongruence. For example, some students may think they are good at school, but their grades may tell a different story.

Rogers says the roots of the disparity go back to childhood. When parents place conditions on their affection for their children (expressing love only if the children “earn it” by behaving in certain ways and meeting their parents' expectations), children begin to distort memories of experiences that make them feel unworthy of their parents. Children who experience love do not feel the need to constantly distort their memories in order to believe that other people will love and accept them for who they are.

Research and tests

Confidence in personal potential and adequate self-esteem are the main components of success. People who possess these qualities have the following characteristics in common:

the ability to express your desires and needs;
recognition of one's own achievements;
ability to compromise;
the ability to learn from failures;
Such people do not put things off until later, but do them as needed.

Modern science is increasingly raising questions related to the characteristics of self-esteem, the problem of personality constancy and self-esteem. Since these concepts are ambiguous, the success of their study depends on the excellence of the tests and research methods used.

For example, using the value of the rank ratio, you can compare the desired traits of the subject with the real ones. A significant advantage of the method is that the self-esteem formula is calculated by the subject independently, while he does not provide the researcher with information about his ideas about himself.

Very often, self-esteem of mental states is measured using the Cattell test. The questionnaire aims to detect 16 personality factors. Each of them forms several properties connected by some key feature. The structure of self-esteem is normal if the MD factor indicator has an average value. There are 4 versions of the test: 2 with 187 questions and 2 with 105.

Self-assessment of emotional states in adults is determined according to the method of A. Wesmann. The test consists of 4 blocks of 10 questions. With its help, you can determine the level of anxiety, energy, depression and self-confidence.

V. Shchur’s technique helps to identify the peculiarities of the development of self-esteem in children. It has 2 ways of conducting: group and individual. In the first case, it seems possible to determine at what level the development of self-esteem is in several children at the same time. In the second, to identify the reasons for the child’s lack of confidence in his abilities. Parents can conduct this test themselves using the following instructions:

Draw 7 steps on a piece of paper.
Explain to the child that the higher people are on the stairs, the better, smarter and more beautiful they are, the lower they are, the worse.
Ask what level he is at, what level he would like to be at, and what level his parents would put him at.
During the task, it is necessary to monitor how confidently the child makes his choice and how he reasons it. If the child does not explain why he preferred one level or another, you need to ask him a leading question.

If a child puts himself on level 2-3 and justifies his choice with real achievements, and not with the words of his parents, then he has adequate self-esteem. In any other case, parents have something to think about.

A.V. Zakharov’s method is similar to the previous one. The difference is that instead of a ladder, the child is offered a horizontal row of 8 circles.

The Budassi analysis technique makes it possible to determine the characteristics of a particular individual’s self-esteem (degree and adequacy). It is based on two principles:

comparison of a person’s ideas about himself with objective indicators of his activity;
comparing yourself to others.

Study by Dembo-Rubinstein

This self-assessment method is suitable for testing children and adolescents, as well as adults. The subject is shown 4 scales: physical condition, mind, character and happiness, where 1 is the maximum value (completely healthy), 9 is the minimum (sick). A person must evaluate his level for each of these parameters.

Next, a conversation is held, starting with the “happiness” scale. The subject is asked the following questions:

What is missing for complete happiness?
What needs to change to be at the top of the scale?
Which people are absolutely happy and why?
Who is the most unhappy and why?

If the subject’s score on this scale was low (7-9) or high (1-2), then it is necessary to clarify who caused this situation? Next we move on to discuss other indicators.

This method of determining self-esteem allows you to determine the area in which a person feels most uncomfortable. People who adequately perceive themselves usually mark 4-5 steps.

There are modified methods of personality self-assessment according to Dembo-Rubinstein. For example, A.M. Prikhozhan suggests, in addition to the main scales, using 4 additional ones:

authority among others;
the ability to create something with your own hands;
appearance;
self confidence.

How to increase self-esteem from a psychiatrist's point of view

understand, realize, identify the connection between how you were called names in childhood (violently criticized) and your negative beliefs about yourself.
stop the bad habit of scolding and punishing yourself, calling yourself bad names (I'm stupid, I'm worthless, I'm ugly). Just ban yourself from it.
search for positive beliefs about yourself in all sectors (beauty, intelligence, character, achievements, zest, 10 pieces each)
remember everything that was good about you; notice that they are now saying good things about you and accept it, and not ignore it; remember from now on everything that is good to say.
“help from a friend”: confess your problems to a friend and ask for feedback. Let him/her say what exactly they like and what exactly they like. In detail, and not in general phrases, so that you understand exactly. Let them justify all the details if necessary.
in case of relapses of low self-esteem, do the “so what” and “but then” exercises - “so what if I’m stupid? what’s next, huh?”

Read more: Husband - instructions for use

Ways to increase self-esteem

There are 2 methods to increase your opinion of yourself:

achieve achievements in any area of life;
create a corset of success.

In the first case, you need to show diligence and patience, since the result will be noticeable after several victories over yourself. With the second method, the formation of self-esteem occurs at a subconscious level. Proud posture, leisurely movements and a confident gait can change a person’s worldview in a fairly short period of time. It is important to constantly monitor your body position and voice. For long-lasting results, you need to use both methods.

There is a category of people who suffer from self-doubt more often than others. Any attempts to help them or support them turn into failure. This comes from the desire to be in a victim state. This role makes it possible to shift responsibility for your life to others. But the fact is that this is just an illusion coming from childhood. It is enough for a child to show his mother that something is not working out for him, that he is weak and helpless, in order to receive empathy and love. But an adult is always responsible for himself.

To stop playing the role of a victim and thereby increase your level of self-esteem, you need to adhere to the following rules:

Adapt to the positive.
Speak well of others and give them compliments.
Watch your speech. Avoid negative words addressed to yourself, even as a joke. You also need to erase phrases with negative predictions from your vocabulary, for example, “nothing will work out.”
Try to pay attention to the moments when you have to make a choice. This will help you realize full responsibility for your life.

Within a month, the level of self-esteem will increase noticeably, and the person will stop trying on the role of a victim. However, no one is immune from situational failures. Everyone sometimes gives up and runs out of energy to maintain self-confidence. What to do in this case? Sometimes, to normalize the situation, just one small victory is enough, after which faith in one’s strength and taste for life returns. In a more complex situation, a larger achievement will be needed. It is also very important to surround yourself with people who will find the right words of support in difficult times.

Exercises to gain confidence

The concept of self-esteem in psychology is subjective. Often the way others see a person and how he himself sees him is very different. The key to successful work on self-confidence is the correct attitude. Don't get too caught up in preparing to gain confidence. If you feel that your vision of yourself is not adequate, you should try to immediately correct the situation.

There are several rules, following which you can gain self-confidence, and therefore increase self-esteem. Here they are:

You should not influence the most vulnerable aspects of the personality. This will only make the depression worse. Instead, it's better to focus on improving your existing skills. The feeling of your own mastery will bring positive emotions (pride, joy), which will become a resource for achievements in other areas.
The role of relatives cannot be underestimated. Talking to them often helps you see your abilities differently. You shouldn’t ask your loved ones about your weaknesses; it’s better to find out what traits they consider strong. It is best to write down the answers so that they can serve as additional support at the right time. In this way, you can often find out about your positive qualities that you had not previously thought about.
Evaluate your own actions objectively, but at the same time do not scold yourself for mistakes. One cannot deny the obvious, focusing only on the positive aspects of what is happening. It is important to change your habitual thinking pattern. Having insufficient ability or knowledge for something is not a reason to engage in self-deprecation. So a person risks remaining at the same level forever. You need to allow yourself to be imperfect. This will help redirect energy from self-flagellation to personal growth.
Periodically, you need to write down in a notebook those circumstances of everyday life that provoke feelings of weakness, helplessness and uncertainty. Next, you need to find the reason why this happens. Next to it you need to make a list of those moments that bring satisfaction and happiness. Having decided on the cause of positive emotions, you should re-read both entries and form a holistic picture of your strengths and weaknesses. This exercise helps you move from global self-doubt to the realization that there are separate problems that require solutions.
Goals must be realistic. Perfectionism is not for ambitious people. This is a factor that gets in the way of achieving your goal. People prone to perfectionism deprive themselves of the right to make mistakes, which leads them to suffer from the slightest failure. Often it is the inability to complete what was started perfectly that leads to abandonment of the plan. In addition, perfectionism contributes to the fact that any failure negatively affects self-esteem, and therefore self-confidence.
Draw clear boundaries between specific, temporary and unattainable goals. We must not forget that a long journey begins with a small step. Therefore, you should not neglect minor goals. After all, it is they who will ultimately help complete tasks that previously seemed impossible.

By doubting oneself or overestimating, a person wastes time and resources for developing personal potential. Any type of self-esteem, other than adequate, depresses both morally and physically: increased fatigue, a feeling of helplessness or a feeling of hostility of the world appears. As a result, even ordinary tasks seem impossible. Normalizing self-esteem is not a matter of willpower. To correct the situation, you need to reconsider your settings and guidelines.

Features of frustration

Frustration is a traumatic mental state that occurs in a person when he cannot do something or thinks that he cannot achieve his own desires and goals.
At the same time, very often the cause of this condition is too high, or, conversely, low self-esteem, as well as inflated claims. In this case, you can solve the problem only by completely getting rid of your complexes, regaining confidence in your abilities and a sober view of the things around you.

In the life of a modern person there is a constant struggle: for a place in the sun, for one’s family, as well as a normal attitude, success at work - such factors can be listed for a very long time. By correctly setting all your priorities in life and goals, and getting rid of difficulties with your own self-esteem, you can gain a new positive character trait - self-esteem.

Private and general level

It is also possible to distinguish between a particular and a general indicator of the development of self-esteem in an individual. Partial claims relate to achieving one’s goal in the field of activity (music, sports, cinema) or in human terms (the need to take the right place in family, friendly or industrial relationships, as well as in the team). The basis of this claim is one’s own self-esteem in a certain area.

Claims can also be general; they will relate immediately to many areas of a person’s life and, above all, to those in which his moral and intellectual manifestations are involved. Such an indicator will be very closely associated with a person’s self-esteem indicator, and will be formed under the influence of subjective experiences of success or failure of one’s goal.

Effective methods to increase self-esteem

The most important step on the path to self-improvement is to recognize that there is a problem. Often a person disguises it behind other feelings and deliberately avoids resolving the issue. As soon as awareness comes, you can safely move on to the following methods of increasing self-confidence:

Keep a diary of achievements. This step does not require any serious financial or time expenditure. It's simple: at the end of each day, take 10-15 minutes to write down your small and big victories that happened to you today. Maybe you read a book or finally got up an hour earlier than usual? You can always find a reason to praise. This will help you develop a positive mindset every day and focus your vision on personal success. It is important to re-read your notes daily.
Change your environment. Evaluate those with whom you communicate most often. If there are negative people in your circle, refuse to interact with them. More often you are in the company of positive and successful people who are confident and have a positive attitude towards you.
Play sports. The best way to distract yourself and clear your thoughts of negativity is physical exercise. In addition, if low self-esteem is associated with external data, sports will help you get in shape. By the way, during sports, our body produces the hormone of happiness - dopamine.
Give up self-criticism and soul-searching. You won’t be able to increase your self-esteem if you constantly scold yourself for something or constantly express dissatisfaction with your appearance and abilities. Praise yourself more often and think positive thoughts.
Avoid comparisons. Each of you is a unique person with your own individual set of qualities, strengths and weaknesses. Remember that there will always be those who have achieved greater results than you. In this case, it is worth taking an example from them, and not engaging in self-flagellation. Better yet, compare yourself today with yourself yesterday, and track your growth by recording your achievements in the diary we talked about above.
Listen and say affirmations. Affirmation is a positive judgment that creates the right psychological attitude. These are our statements and beliefs, thoughts, feelings and desires that we want to have right now. It is important to formulate affirmations in the present tense. For example: “I have a prestigious and highly paid job”, “I am beautiful and healthy”, “I am a happy person”.
Get out of your comfort zone. Yes, many people have heard about this method, but not everyone decides to do it, because it’s so comfortable and safe to be in your “shell.” Face your problem. Do you feel insecure when you are in a new company? Visit crowded places and events more often and be the first to start a conversation. Our online program “Best Communication Techniques” will be an excellent assistant for you, where you will learn how to interact more effectively with people thanks to interesting communication techniques. You just have to take a step and you will understand that everything is not as scary as it seemed at first glance.
Attend trainings. There are many different training activities aimed at increasing self-esteem and gaining self-confidence, so all you have to do is choose the one that’s right for you. If you are not yet ready to take the training, watch a movie or read a book on a current topic.
Forgive yourself. Uncertainty is often a consequence of feeling guilty about oneself. None of us are immune from mistakes, and it is important to be able to forgive ourselves for them. Write yourself a note and tell in it about your feelings, emotions, thoughts, problems, failures, and be sure to forgive yourself in writing for everything for which you feel guilty.
Meditate. Meditation helps you completely relax physically and let go of your thoughts. There are many different techniques aimed at getting rid of self-resentment and achieving peace.

Self-confidence is not an innate quality, but rather formed in the process of life. Your main task on the path to healthy self-esteem is to love yourself, learn to believe in your own strength, which is only possible through daily work on yourself and your thoughts.

Do what you love, do not deny yourself small and big joys, always think about the good and then everything will work out!

Good luck!

We also recommend reading:

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How to increase self-esteem: practice from the field of NLP
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Key words: 1 Communication, 1 Psychoregulation