About the love triangle: what to do and who is to blame?

One of the common problems that arise in relationships is the love triangle. Those. when a third party appears in a loving couple, a third participant in this relationship, with whom one of the couple cheats.

The situation of a love triangle can be experienced in different ways:

• You can be this very third party, most often it is a mistress. For convenience, in my article I will call it that way.
• You can be the one or the one who is being cheated on. In the article I will call this role in the triangle – wife. Since the most common triangles are “husband-wife-mistress”.
• Or to those (one) who cheat. I will conventionally call this role a husband.

In this article we will talk about the love triangle. What is its essence, why do they arise? And who is to blame for the appearance of the triangle.

I'll tell you why people can cheat. Why some people are haunted by triangular relationships throughout their lives. And what is the main problem with love triangles, from which all its participants suffer?

I'll tell you what fidelity in a relationship is.

And I will give recommendations for the three participants in the triangle. I’ll tell you what you can do – if you are cheating, if you are being cheated on, and if you are the third party in the relationship, i.e. mistress. And how to get out of a love triangle if you find yourself in one.

Love triangle. Who is guilty?

When cheating, wives often blame their mistresses for “seducing” their husbands. Some mistresses blame their wives for ceasing to be attractive and satisfying men. And someone blames and condemns the traitors themselves.

But in a triangle situation there is not always someone who is definitely right and who is definitely wrong. Such a situation is often unconsciously created and maintained by all participants in this process (especially if such a situation lasts for a long time).

And I suggest, instead of looking for those to blame, to realize the responsibility of each participant in the love triangle. That each of them is responsible for being in such a relationship.

All sides of a love triangle can experience unpleasant feelings. All three may suffer from this situation. But at the same time, do not take any real action to change the situation.

Because unconsciously, each of them (not only the cheater himself) derives some benefits from such relationships. What these benefits are - we will understand in this article.

Types of love triangle

So, we have discussed the mechanisms of formation of non-standard relationships, as well as the reasons that push people to seek variety in relationships. What types of love triangles are there? Let's figure it out.

Acting model of a love trio

This pattern occurs especially often between a woman and two men. She loves each of them equally, but cannot make a final choice in favor of one of the partners. There is an apt expression on this topic that “ if a person loves two chosen ones at the same time, then in fact he only loves himself .” Such relationships often end in a very disastrous way, for example, with murder motivated by jealousy.

Love triangle - a mirage

Its essence lies in the fact that the tandem participants get along well together and there is affection and mutual understanding between them. But one of them has a close friend or girlfriend who, in their opinion, is more suitable as a potential chosen one than an actual partner. Moreover, the relationship with this friend is most often exclusively platonic, not including the fact of cheating on the current husband or wife. In psychology, this variation of relationships is also called a theoretical love triangle.

Love quadrangle

In this case, the mutual presence of partners on the side is clearly discussed between the spouses. In such unions there is no jealousy or misunderstanding about infidelity, and the measure itself serves the only purpose - to diversify intimacy .

Paradoxical model of relationships

There are people in the world who cannot live a day without cheating on their current lover. They are attracted by the excitement of finding a partner for casual sex , but they are also unable to exist without support in the form of a home. Moreover, most often they look for a monogamous person who will not cheat on them. Such a marriage is a concentration of quarrels, scandals and deception, but such a couple can exist together for many years, which is a paradox.

Mercantile and career love triangles

Both types of these non-standard relationships are very similar to each other. If in the first case one of the partners cheats on his lover in order to improve the financial affairs of the family , then in the other, attracting a “third party” serves the purpose of moving up the career ladder at work. Moreover, in both cases, the very fact of betrayal is perceived as a benefit that can strengthen the actual connection. Which, however, is not always shared by the “victim” of betrayal.

The “put up or leave” model

This type of love triangle most often forms in couples where one of the partners is an outstanding person , for example, a famous actor or politician. Such a person deliberately puts his chosen one before a difficult choice - to break off the relationship or come to terms with the intrigues of his beloved. As practice shows, often the wives of influential husbands prefer to endure their love affairs for fear of losing their own weight in society or fearing that the breakup will harm the well-being of the children.

As you can understand, there are a huge number of types of love triangles. However, at the heart of each of them is a lack of mutual understanding between partners and a lack of emotional connection. In the next section, we will discuss effective options for getting out of non-standard relationships.

Psychology of a love triangle. What is important to know about a love triangle?

This happens when a person in a couple lacks something. When some of his important needs are not satisfied by his loved one.

Maybe he doesn't have enough attention or recognition and admiration. Maybe spiritual closeness and sincerity. Maybe he lacks freedom or sex. Or something else.

And everyone deals with it differently.

Some people take a more constructive path and try to talk with their partner or work with a psychologist. He is looking for ways to get what he wants without destroying either his relationship with his partner or mutual trust.

Or he ends the relationship if he understands that it is impossible to receive from this partner what is important to receive.

And someone is looking for what is missing on the side. This could be like going to work, taking up a hobby, raising children, or escaping into some kind of addiction.

So is treason. When what a person does not receive from his partner, he tries to find in another person. For example, the husband does not praise, but the lover constantly compliments. Or the partner nags, but the mistress is always happy to see.

That is, for the one who cheats in a love triangle, this situation is needed in order to satisfy those needs that cannot be satisfied in his couple. And at the same time, it helps to maintain his permanent relationship, to protect it from breakup.

This process can be either conscious for the husband or unconscious. When a person himself does not consciously understand why he creates a love triangle.

No matter how paradoxical it may seem, a love triangle is often started precisely in order to preserve the relationship. It often serves as an alternative to separation for many people.

That is, for example, something doesn’t suit me in my couple. And instead of leaving this relationship, I’m looking for someone else. From whom do I receive what I lack? And thus, it is already becoming possible for me to remain in my relationship, where something did not suit me.

This point is very important for lovers to understand. That the couple most likely needs it in order to maintain their relationship.

And a love triangle can be convenient for a wife because she can throw all her unexpressed anger at her husband onto her mistress. That is, in a triangle situation, a, let’s say, scapegoat appears for the wife. Whom you can blame, hate, condemn instead of your husband.

But of course, this benefit from the triangle is usually not realized by the wife.

I used to wonder why people who are cheated on blame a third party for everything. I didn’t understand why they were angry at a stranger, a stranger to themselves. With whom they have no agreements and who have no obligations to them.

Instead of being angry at the loved one who betrayed them. The one they believed and trusted. With whom they agreed that they would remain faithful to each other.

But after studying the psychology of betrayal and learning more about the love triangle, I realized that this is displaced anger. That deep down, wives are actually very angry at their husbands who cheat on them. But they are often afraid to show their anger to their husband.

Also, often the wife unknowingly agrees to a love triangle, because... he gives her the opportunity not to resolve the problem that she has with her husband. Don't change anything. And at the same time, keep their relationship from falling apart.

And the mistress agrees to not be the only one, because she also finds some advantages for herself in the love triangle.

Often those women who are unconsciously afraid of close relationships become mistresses. They are afraid that their freedom will be limited in marriage. They are afraid that if a man gets to know her better, he will not like her, he will reject her and leave her.

She may not like marriage itself, living with a man.

And then being in a love triangle as a mistress gives her the opportunity to keep a safe distance from the man. Gives her the opportunity to maintain her freedom. Do not really get close to a man and do not marry him.

Some mistresses also receive material benefits from such relationships. When a man supports them, gives them expensive gifts and spends money on her.

And sometimes, in the position of a mistress, a woman protects herself from possible betrayal. When she herself is afraid of finding herself in the role of a deceived wife, abandoned with her children. And therefore he chooses for himself a safer and more independent role - the role of a mistress.

Love triangle: what and why

I have been dealing with the topic of love triangles in my life for a very long time. I discovered a lot of interesting things. I will share what I found on this topic within myself. This is not a complete or mandatory list of reasons for the formation of love triangles. Only what happened in my story.

What is the article about?

• Why is a triangle “needed” at all?
• 19 “female reasons” for forming a triangle like “one man, two women” (personal experience).
• Briefly: how to get out of a love triangle.
• Is there “karma”: if you sleep “as a girl” with a married man, then your husband will cheat on you?
• Does the sign work - “if you go through your husband’s pockets, your husband will cheat”?
• My view on the statement about male polygamy and female monogamy “by nature”, as well as on the statement that physical contact is more important for men, and emotional contact for women.

I am writing about a triangle of the FFM type: husband, wife and mistresses. But this does not mean that women are victims and men are scoundrels. In love polygons, each of the vertices receives its share of suffering and its share of secondary benefits, each of the vertices has its own reasons for being in this polygon. My attitude towards all peaks is now neutral.

Why a triangle at all?

A minute of theory. According to Bowen's concept of triangulation, as a couple gets closer, the level of tension increases; if the couple cannot cope with this tension, then triangulation occurs - in order to relieve the tension that has created, the couple involves a third party in their relationship and through this stabilizes the relationship. It could be TV, alcohol, friends, work, a kitten, a child, etc. Including his mistress.

What does this mean in life

For example, in a couple, dissatisfaction with each other and anger at each other increases. The couple does not know how to deal with this - there is no skill to cope with their anger and there is no skill to constructively discuss what is happening, talk about feelings, express dissatisfaction in an environmentally friendly manner, talk and negotiate. The couple involves a mistress.

On the one hand, this increases the distance in the couple, the level of tension drops, and it becomes easier for the spouses. On the other hand, the anger that arose in the married couple can be directed at the mistress.

A man can be tough and rude in his treatment of his mistress, and practice harsher forms of sexual contact with her. This may look like “I want anal sex, I’m ashamed to offer it to my wife, but I can do it with my mistress/prostitute.” But the point is not “anal” as such, but the desire to express aggression.

If a man has anger of the type of resentment, then he, on the contrary, can be affectionate and choose a soft and comforting lover so that he will “regret”.

If the wife finds out or suspects about the mistress, then the wife also has the opportunity to legalize and express her anger. Both to the mistress herself and to her husband for her presence. Although initially the anger was about something completely different, it was “ashamed” to say about it. But swearing because you have a mistress is no longer shameful, it’s a pious matter.

Why does tension in a couple generally increase?

In addition to everyday discontent, the inability to deal with anger and discuss what is happening, there are other reasons. The projection/transfer mechanism works in any relationship - at some moments a person “sees” in a partner not a partner as such, but another figure (usually a parent), and experiences feelings characteristic of a relationship with this seen figure, and not with a real partner. For example, a spouse’s question is “how are you, how was your day?” - the husband may perceive this as maternal control and feel fear, shame, anger and a desire to defend himself.

The closer and deeper the relationship between the spouses, the more feelings arise from the relationship with the parents. The more complex the relationship with your parents, the heavier these feelings. And the stronger the desire to create a triangle, relieving the tension. “Close” relationships - this can be both in the direct, healthy sense, and in the sense of fusion, codependent dynamics.

But why does someone choose a kitten for triangulation, while others choose a mistress? 19 “female reasons” for forming a triangle of women's sex

Why does a woman form her relationships according to the triangle principle? Moreover, both in the position of a wife and in the position of a mistress.

The first block of reasons is the position of the “woman from the triangle” in her parental family. In the same family, a girl can occupy several positions.

1. Family image “Competition”. The mother takes a competitive position in relation to her daughter, sees her daughter on the same hierarchical level as herself and her husband, and perceives her daughter as a threat. The father, perhaps, also perceives his daughter not as a child, but as a woman. Then the girl develops the image of a family “One beloved man and two competing women,” which is transferred and unconsciously built in her male-female relationships.
2. The image of the “Foundling Sibling” family. If the father is prone to infantilism, he may take the position of a child in relation to his wife and the position of a sibling in relation to his daughter. Then the daughter competes for her mother’s love with her false sibling (her father). The girl’s image of the family imprints the need to compete for the love of a significant person with someone who is generally “leftist” and illegally occupying a place. And into male-female relationships, the girl transfers the feeling that the love and energy of her husband intended for her is flowing somewhere else.
3. The image of the family “Mom to her mother.” If the mother is prone to infantilism, then she may be inclined to transfer the functions of her mother to her daughter. The daughter, as it were, takes the place of the grandmother, and the mother and father take the place of the children (daughter and “son-in-law”). Then, in her male-female relationship, the grown girl will occupy the position of a mother in relation to her husband, and the husband will almost legally have a woman in the position of a wife.
4. Family image “Replacing my mother in bed with my father.” If the mother is prone to childishness and does not want to take the position of wife and mother, she can, as it were, change places with her daughter. The daughter takes the position of her father's wife, and the mother takes the position of their child. Physically, the wife sleeps with the husband (although she may not sleep), and symbolically, the daughter is in bed with him. This again creates the image of “one man and two women.” This image of the family is complementary to the previous image: a woman who was a mother to her parents will be the same mother-wife in a relationship with her husband, who will have a daughter-lover from the position of “replacing mother in bed with father.”
5. The image of the family “Girl-here-here-plug” . When a mother starts having problems with her husband, she turns her attention to her daughter, devotes a lot of time to her, as if she loves her more, and then the relationship with her husband improves, and the daughter is no longer needed. The girl feels abandoned, betrayed. Feelings of abandonment, betrayal, use, as well as the very dynamics of “needed-not-needed” then influence the formation of male-female relationships.
6. The image of the family “Unfinished” . The mother cannot stand close and intimate contact with her daughter. And he is constantly distracted by something or someone. Those. also a kind of triangulation. The girl is left with the feeling that in a relationship with a loved one there must be someone or something else that constantly interferes with love and contact.
7. The image of the "Secret Excluded" family. If there are relatives in the family who are not customary to talk about, who are, as it were, excluded, especially if these are lost or aborted children, then the girl develops an image of the family that there is someone “secret”, “illegal”. Then a woman can involve a mistress in her life, who will take the place of her deceased sister, for example. Or she herself may identify with a relative who occupies a “secret” place in the family and become a mistress.
8. The image of the “Eternal Daughter” family. The girl was given the message "don't grow up" and she never grew up. Then she cannot be a wife to her husband. She can become a mistress, as if adopted into a married couple. Maybe, being a wife, she can “attract” a more mature mistress, who symbolically replaces her mother, as if creating a pair of parents out of her husband and mistress.

Further, there are other reasons that are not so strongly related to the position in the family, but nevertheless related to childhood and family.

1. Cleavage according to the “Madonna”-“Prostitute” type. Then the woman feels not entirely a woman, but only “half a woman” - either about love and care, light and purity (sort of maternal functions), or about sex, passion, the functions of a lover. Then she attracts a second woman into the relationship in order to “complete herself” into a whole woman.
2. Unformed or wounded female identity. A woman seeks a woman through a man in order to find herself as a woman. But he doesn’t find it.
3. Strong need for mother. For the reason that a same-sex relationship could be formed in an attempt to compensate for the maternal deficit. But the woman has an internal ban on lesbian relationships. Then she forms a relationship with a woman, but indirectly through a man.
4. Permission to violence. If a girl has experienced sexual abuse, violence, humiliation, then she (trauma, of course) develops permission to violence. And even the “need” to live in such sensations. Then the presence of other women with the husband can be a form of reproduction of sexual humiliation and violence.
5. Sexualization. “I am only valuable for sex . Due to certain reasons, in particular - sexual abuse, the incestuous nature of family relationships, the girl develops the feeling - “I am valuable only for sex.” Then she cannot build a full-fledged relationship and remains in the position of a sex toy.
6. The victim position as a lifestyle. Most likely, a way of life adopted from the family. Depending on who seems more like a victim to her (wife or mistress), the woman will occupy that position in the triangle.
7. Loyalty to the family system. Perhaps there were already stories with triangles in the family system and the woman is reproducing them.
8. Codependency. Attracting and supporting a man with sex addiction.
9. Your own desire to have a lover, which is internally prohibited. Then the husband functions as a mirror. Why there is such a desire and why it is prohibited is a separate long topic.
10. The wounded right to “have”, “to own”, “to have good things”, the attitude “you must share everything”. For example, in order to “not raise an egoist,” the child was forced to share food, toys, etc., and was not given the right to have something of his own, personal—space, toys, things. Or, for example, due to financial circumstances I had to wear someone’s clothes or finish someone’s food.
11. Severely injured or violated boundaries.

If you find something from this list, this does not mean that you have or will definitely have a triangle formed. If you live in the Triangle, you may have some of these reasons in your story, but there may be other reasons as well.

Why men maintain relationships in a triangle of the FFM format, and also why triangles of the FFM type are formed, these are separate topics.

Briefly: how to get out of a love triangle

Nurture your inner child and separate from your parental family. Learn to maintain deep contact with a partner, bring into it all the feelings that arise in him and develop healthy communication skills (constructively talk, negotiate). Heal your wounded worth and wounds related to sexuality.

Is there “karma”: if you sleep “as a girl” with a married man, then your husband will cheat on you?

If a woman is attracted to a married man (or a man who has a partner), regardless of whether she sleeps with him or not, it can be assumed that the woman has a tendency to build a relationship in a triangle. And then it is possible that a woman will form her own marital relationships according to the type of triangle. But this is not because she slept with a married man. Interest in unsuitable men and the formation of triangles in one’s marital family are branches from the same root.

Does the sign work - “if you go through your husband’s pockets, your husband will cheat”?

Just as in the case of “karma” - distrust, the desire to control, the fear of betrayal, which “forces” one to reach into one’s pockets, and the choice of a partner who can have a mistress - these are branches of the same root - the internal unconscious need to build relationships like a triangle.

My view on the statement about male polygamy and female monogamy “by nature”

I don't pretend to be an expert. But in the course of zoopsychology, I did not hear about this form of marriage among primates, in which females strictly “remain faithful” to the male, who is “ordered to inseminate as many females as possible.”

• There are forms of marriage with voluntary true monogamy on the part of both partners.
• There are forms of marriage where officially there is monogamy, but in fact - how it turns out: females choose “smart and caring” males as husbands, and “strong and beautiful” ones as lovers. But males are not prohibited from “fooling around on the side.”
• There are forms of marriage where promiscuity is practiced on the part of both sexes.
• There are harem forms of marriage with one male or several males, but other males can officially or unofficially (while no one sees) take possession of the females. At the same time, in a harem organization, the male is faced with the task of protecting females, and the presence of several partners in one male is not a reason for creating a harem, but a consequence.

The task of “inseminating as many females as possible,” as is often formulated in society to confirm the idea of ​​male polygamy and female monogamy, is assigned to males in the case of a promiscuous family organization. But with such an organization, females also have the task of giving themselves to as many males as possible.

Those. The issue of polygamy-monogamy between the sexes in primates is resolved more or less symmetrically.

My opinion on the statement that physical contact is more important for men, and emotional contact for women

I believe that for a hypothetical healthy person, regardless of gender, a combination of both types of contact is important. The balance in this combination may vary depending on the individual and the stage of the person's life or the stage of the couple's relationship.

However, in a culture with neurotic prescriptions, we have what we have - “men don’t cry,” and women are in the clouds with pink ponies, denying “dirt and lust.” However, a woman can learn to derive sensual pleasure from physical contact, and a man from deep emotional intimacy.

Why do people cheat?

There can be many reasons why people cheat, both superficial and well understood. And deep ones, which a person himself may not even be aware of.

The reasons for cheating may be related to:

• As with the personality of the one who changes it, i.e. caused by its internal causes.
• So it is with the relationships that a couple has formed. That is, when the betrayal is caused by problems in the couple.

I will describe several common reasons why people may cheat.

Reasons related to the personality of the cheater:

1) Fear of close relationships - cheating gives a person the opportunity not to get close to his partner. Instead of resolving with him the problem that is pushing him to cheat, he temporarily escapes into a new relationship.

Instead of being in a relationship with a partner completely, presenting his whole personality in them, a person demonstrates some part of himself to his mistress, and another part of himself to his wife. At the same time, he does not “meet” anyone completely; each of his partners knows him only partially.

2) Feelings of inferiority, low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence and attractiveness are one of the common reasons for cheating. For some, cheating gives them the opportunity to feel needed and attractive to the opposite sex. That they are still young and beautiful, someone might like them.

And someone is flattered and increases self-esteem by the situation when they compete for him, try to become the only one for him, to win him over from his rival.

3) Unpreparedness for relationships - quite often people enter into relationships when in fact they are not internally ready for them, are not ready to open up to their partner, negotiate with them, resolve problems and conflicts, etc.

And then all unresolved problems that have arisen in the couple are resolved with the help of their mistress.

4) Splitting of the psyche - it often happens that a person is not whole within himself, some “parts” of his personality are in poor contact with each other, they are pulled in different directions. That is, there is an internal conflict in a person.

And then some “part” of him may need a certain person nearby, with certain qualities. And the other part is a person with completely different characteristics. And then the solution for a person is the opportunity to have different partners.

For example, the “Madonna and the Harlot” complex in a man or the “Knight and the Libertine” complex in a woman. This is when a person cannot accept in one partner both sexuality and the qualities that make him a good spouse.

When in his unconscious mind these roles can only be realized by different people, they cannot exist together in one person. She must be either a holy “Madonna” or a bad “harlot.”

5) An unsuccessful love scenario or life scenario - when a person in childhood adopted from his loved ones a model of relationships where there was betrayal. And growing up, he unconsciously recreates what he was used to since childhood. Or repeats the behavior that he learned from his parents.

For example, if a boy's father cheated on his mother, then there is a high probability that his son will copy his behavior. And when he grows up, he will cheat on his wife.

6) Cheating as the norm - some people see nothing wrong with cheating on their partner. They perceive cheating as the norm, they are convinced that they cheat on everyone, and there is nothing wrong with it.

Such people may not even experience any feelings of guilt or remorse about their infidelities.

7) Sexaholism - an obsessive need to enter into sexual relationships with different people can push a person to cheat on his partner. For example, a man like Christian from Nip/Tuck will cheat on his women all the time because of his sex addiction.

Adrenaline addiction, the need for excitement and excitement from the “forbidden fruit” and the risk of being caught - when a person needs thrills, strong emotions, risk.

And he is used to receiving them from relationships. Then he can cheat in order to receive the usual “doses” of adrenaline.

9) Fear of being cheated on, betrayed, deceived, lack of trust in a partner - sometimes unconscious anxiety about the fact that he may suffer from his partner’s infidelity can push a person to cheat first.

There is a saying that the best defense is an attack. And in this case, a person who is afraid that they will cheat on him. He may treat his partner the way he fears they will treat him.

10) The desire to remain “good”, the inability to say “no” and protect one’s boundaries - in connection with which a person does not directly express his dissatisfaction with his partner, does not talk about his desires, does not set his boundaries.

He cannot leave a person with whom he feels bad, whom he does not love. He cannot refuse his mistress or say that he is married.

And then cheating becomes the only way - or to express your anger at your partner. Or continue the relationship with him, despite the fact that you have long wanted to get a divorce. Or not to offend your mistress with your refusal.

Reasons for infidelity related to relationships:

1) Dissatisfaction in relationships is the most common reason for cheating. When some important needs cannot or cannot be satisfied in their couple, people may look for someone with whom these needs can be satisfied.

2) Different sexual constitutions between partners - when one needs sex at least once a day, while the other is more comfortable having sex once a week or even a month. Then it may occur to someone who doesn’t get enough sex to find a mistress or lover.

3) Accumulated anger between partners - the anger that people do not directly express to their partner must find an outlet somewhere. And sometimes betrayals occur on this basis.

4) Partners have different ideas about fidelity, different concepts about the boundaries of what is acceptable in their couple.

For example, for one, betrayal can only mean betrayal in feelings. When for another, simply friendship with a person of the opposite sex can be equated to betrayal.

5) Scenario of relationships in a couple – “parent/child”. When one of the couple seems to be “higher” than the other, when one of them plays the role of a parent, and the other plays the role of a child. Then the probability of betrayal in such a couple is very high.

Firstly, sex disappears in such relationships. And secondly, someone who is in the role of a “child” may have a desire to “separate” from their partner, as from their mother. Show your autonomy, independence and commit a rebellion.

And then, as such a rebellion, a person can commit treason in order to prove his independence to himself.

6) Revenge for betrayal - sometimes the one who considered betrayal unacceptable for himself. At some point, he may cheat on his partner as revenge for his betrayal. An example of such betrayal can be seen in the film “Loyalty” (2019).

What is a love triangle?

Love triangles are a common occurrence. They usually arise on the initiative of men who cheat on their wives. However, there are love triangles arranged by women. What is a love triangle? This is a type of union between people where two people love one, and the latter cannot break off relations with one of the partners in order to remain faithful to the other partner.

Often love triangles are created by those with whom his two partners will later fall in love. In other words, if a woman has a lover, it means that she initiated this type of union. If a man has a mistress, then he is the culprit of the problem.

But it should be noted that a love triangle is not only the appearance of a mistress/lover with a partner. Often love triangles are:

1. Harems and polygamy/polyandry in countries where it is allowed.
2. The appearance of fans for a single person who is not yet officially dating anyone.
3. The love of two friends for one person.

A love triangle puts one person at the top, who is courted and fought by two or more people at once. It can be hidden or open, which depends on the arrogance of the one at the top and the norms accepted in society.

Problems with love triangles do not arise in countries where polygamy is legal. There people can sleep with whomever they want. However, in monogamous countries there will always be conflicts when love triangles arise. Moreover, exactly how conflicts will develop and be resolved is influenced by the temperament of the participants, public moral values ​​and rules of behavior.

How long the love triangle will exist is influenced by the gender of those who find themselves on the sidelines. If two men are courting one woman at once, then events will unfold rapidly. Literally one or two months, men will fight for a woman, and then they will abandon her. The reason for this is the conviction of men that betrayal cannot be forgiven. And since the woman does not choose them, then they agree to refuse her.

Women who fight for one man behave completely differently. Such a love triangle can exist for many months and even years. Women do not have a developed sense of self-worth. They are more often instilled with the idea that men can be forgiven for betrayals and adventures; they need to hold on to them, because without them they will be unhappy. With such beliefs, women cling to scoundrels who fool them and take advantage of their weakness.

The reasons why love triangles are created differ in each situation. Here a person can look for variety, get what the official partner does not provide, and need something else. And sometimes a person is so weak-willed that he simply allowed a third party to be in his love relationship.

How did men and women come into existence? In one of the myths there is a story about androgynes - people who combined masculine and feminine qualities. They were so perfect, happy and self-confident that the gods were angry with them and divided them into two halves - a man and a woman. And if earlier androgynes could be compared with gods, then, being divided into two halves, their task is to reunite.

Note that men and women are happier and more powerful when they find and understand each other. While you are alone, without your soulmate, your thoughts are occupied only with filling the emptiness - that missing part that representatives of the opposite sex possess. And here it will not be said that for each person there is only one half of him, which needs to be found and reunited with it. It is believed that a person has the opportunity to build his love relationships with many people who he more or less likes. Already in the process of developing a relationship, a man and a woman can be both halves and completely unsuitable puzzles for each other. But the point is this: the lives of androgynes show why men and women try to reunite. They want to become happy, fulfilled and self-confident, because only in this case will they have all the necessary qualities, parameters and resources.

But let’s return to reality and try to think about a simple question: why do women and men need each other so much, but rarely value their relationships, leading them to breakup? The whole point is that a person has a wrong understanding about love relationships. Previously, being androgynous, people were confident that they would always have male and female characteristics, nothing would separate them. Therefore, for them, being one was something like a natural and static phenomenon. But since modern people are still divided into two sexes, which can be isolated and far from each other, we should get rid of the static understanding of love relationships.

A love relationship is akin to a living organism. This is not something permanent, it is not a constant, but a living and developing being. If you don’t care for it, don’t nourish it, don’t inspire it, don’t help it develop, then this living organism will die. This is what happens with the love relationships of many modern people: they do not treat them as living organisms, but think that if a loved one is found, then they can no longer solve love issues and problems.

A love relationship is akin to a living organism. For some reason, you think it’s right to invest your energy, time, health and money in your business or work! Then why don’t you treat your own love relationships with the same trepidation, which also will not develop on their own? A love relationship is a flower. As long as you take care of it, water it, fertilize it, devote time and effort, it blooms. But as soon as you forget about it, it fades over time.

Please note that relationships do not deteriorate immediately, but over time, just as the human body does not immediately age and die, but gradually, depending on how you care for it.

The life of androgynes shows people what kind of happiness they strive for: a life where two opposite halves will be together. But at the same time, people can no longer be static in relationships where each partner is separated from each other. And if you do not develop relationships, do not invest in them, then your partner rightfully begins to move away from you as a person who cares about his own well-being, and not about the well-being of two halves at the same time - as was the case with androgynes. After all, it is as if you were using only the right side of your body, not noticing the left.

Man and woman are the right and left sides of the body. And if in a relationship each partner cares only about himself (that is, only about his side of the body), then the other side begins to die, to be rejected, to distance itself as unnecessary. Therefore, if you want harmony and happiness in your love relationship, then start treating your partner as an integral part of your body, which will be removed if you stop caring for her and taking into account her interests and wishes.

Love triangle as a relationship scenario

For many of those who are in a love triangle, such relationships are repeated over and over again. When they find themselves in such a triangle again and again.

At the same time, their role can change - when they either become mistresses, then they cheat on them, then they themselves commit treason. Role changes can take place:

• Or in different ways. When, for example, they cheat on one person, they cheat on others, and thirdly, they are already mistresses.
• Or in the same relationship. For example, a girl is first a lover for her man, then he leaves his wife for her. After some time, he marries her and finds himself a new mistress, with whom he cheats on this girl. After some time, his infidelities end, and out of revenge, she now begins to cheat on him herself.

In this case, we are talking about a repeated unsuccessful love scenario. And in order to change it, it is best to undergo in-depth long-term therapy with a psychologist.

Types and models of love triangle

Not all of these “figures” are the same. In psychology, it is customary to distinguish two types of such relationships:

• Two people are in love with a third person and are trying to win his love. At the same time, the third may not have feelings for any of them.
• One person is in love with a second, and that person, in turn, loves a third.

Both types are equally common. There are no statistical studies on this topic. There are also several love triangle models:

• 
  Husband, wife and lover. This is a classic triangle in which the wife’s goal is not to destroy the family. In most cases, she starts relationships on the side due to the fact that the relationship with her husband has cooled down, he has stopped paying attention to her and seeing a woman in his wife. A lover in such a situation is an outlet, a way to prove that she is still capable of pleasing men and increasing her self-esteem. For a lover, this situation is very beneficial: he receives pleasant intimate relationships without serious obligations and claims. The husband is not an enemy for him, since he does not see him as a competitor. There is no goal to take my wife away from the family.

• Wife, husband and lover. A man starts such relationships for various reasons, but most often a relationship on the side appears due to the desire to receive new emotions. Most representatives of the stronger sex are polygamous, and they cannot be faithful to one woman for a long time. Also, the reason may be frequent quarrels in the family, and a mistress is a kind of “island” of peace and tranquility, where they love, appreciate and respect. In this triangle model, the mistress often intends to destroy her lover’s family, but according to statistics, only 20% of men decide to leave their wife. Most of them then come back.

Love triangle problem

The main problem that people in a love triangle suffer from is uncertainty.

The mistress suffers from the uncertainty of whether her beloved man will leave his wife and when he will do it.

The wife is in uncertainty about who her husband will choose. And when will the moment come that her husband will stop cheating on her.

The husband still cannot make a choice between his wife and his mistress. And he is tormented by the uncertainty of when he will be able to decide with whom to stay.

Being in a situation of uncertainty for a long time is harmful and destructive to our psyche. And those who are in the triangle suffer most from uncertainty.

Therefore, such relationships are unhealthy and toxic for all participants.

Take responsibility

To get out of a love triangle, the psychologist’s basic advice would be to take responsibility for any of your choices - to stay or leave. But no matter what is chosen in the end, you can’t feel guilty. It's your choice for now.

You can try to stay in a love triangle if non-traditional types of relationships such as polyamory can be acceptable to all parties in the process. In general, this type of non-monogamy is a valid option.

What is fidelity in a love relationship?

Loyalty is a choice that each partner regularly makes for himself. Or he doesn’t if he commits treason. Loyalty is not something that comes naturally, but something that a person chooses.

Being in a love triangle is also a choice. Your choice if you are currently in such a relationship.

This is not an accident, it is your conscious or unconscious choice. You either made the decision (consciously or not) to cheat, or you agreed to continue the relationship in which you were cheated on. Either they agreed to be the third participant in the relationship, they agreed to be a mistress.

And in the same way, at any moment you can make a decision for yourself, make a choice - to be faithful to your partner. And be only with the person next to you who is faithful to you.

The boundaries of fidelity may differ for different people. For one, fidelity is just the absence of sex with another person. And for others, even correspondence on social networks with a person of the opposite sex, which does not imply only business communication, is already treason.

And one of the problems of fidelity in a relationship is when partners have different ideas about it, different boundaries of what is acceptable. Therefore, it is important to understand and discuss with your partner:

• What does loyalty mean to you? What does fidelity mean to your partner?
• What is acceptable and unacceptable for you? What does your partner consider acceptable and unacceptable?

And even if suddenly your ideas about fidelity and the boundaries of what is permissible differ. Then, if you make this moment conscious in your couple, discuss it, discuss it with each other, then you can come to some kind of agreement that will suit both of you.

And then even your differences on this topic may not become a hindrance to your relationship.

How can a mistress get out of a love triangle?

• If for more than several months your lover has been promising you to leave his wife, but never does. Then accept the fact that your man will never leave his wife. And this couple needs you only to preserve their relationship. If he wanted to leave, he would have already done so, and not “fed” you with promises.
• If you are not ready to leave this relationship, you are still hoping that your man will choose you. Then decide how long exactly you are willing to wait for him - a month, two or three. Set a specific date for when you finish doing this. And let your man know that you are waiting for him exactly before this date. And if by this time he does not leave his wife for you, then you break up with him. And be sure to fulfill this condition, whatever the circumstances.
• Think about the fact that even if this man leaves his wife for you, there is no guarantee that he will not later start cheating on you.
• Make the final decision to break up with this person. And break up with him by blocking him from contacting you (just in case).
• Seek individual consultations with a psychologist to figure out why you ended up in such a relationship.

How to get out of a love triangle for your wife (or if you are being cheated on)?

1) Analyze what is causing your loved one’s infidelity. Are they related to your man's personality or are they caused by problems in your relationship?

If your husband cheated not only on you, but also did it with other women. If from the very beginning of your relationship he flirted and communicated with other women, cheated on you from the very beginning. It's obvious that it's all about him. In this case, your loved one is prone to cheating. And he will continue to do this if you forgive him. You will not be able to change him and somehow influence his betrayal.

2) If the reasons for the betrayal are in him, then it is best to break up with this man. And contact a psychologist to find out how and why you chose just such a partner.

3) If your man has never cheated on anyone before. And he took a mistress when you had been together for a long time. And you suspect that the issue here is precisely in your relationship, and not in his personality.

If you are ready to build a new relationship with this person, where there will be no room for betrayal. Ready to forgive him. If he sincerely repents of his cheating and is ready to work on changing your relationship. There is a small chance that you will succeed. And together you can contact a psychologist for family counseling.