If a couple learns to successfully resolve conflicts, the relationship becomes stronger, and love seems to take root. If partners fail to reconcile their interests and resolve the conflict, the relationship may fall apart. No matter how much the passion burns before, disagreements can put out the fire of love if you do not learn to take into account the interests of the other half and peacefully resolve conflicts, without mutual insults, breaking dishes and other “Santa Barbara”.
The problem with any conflict is that it can turn the most ordinary person into a real savage. People are ready to go to the end, starting a real war against their opponent, with all sorts of verbal battles, threats, and sometimes even crying. That is, the main problem of the conflict is that people turn it into a miniature copy of war. However, the conflict is not actually a war at all. Conflict is simply a divergence of interests. There are no villains or heroes in a conflict, only people with different desires and expectations. The key to resolving a conflict is to identify the interests and motives of both parties and satisfy them. In order not to turn conflicts into miniature wars, there are special techniques - they will be the subject of consideration in this article.
Keep negative emotions in check
Of course, this does not mean complete isolation from negative experiences. If you constantly accumulate an emotional charge within yourself and do not allow it to come out, then internal negativity can result in the form of neurotic or psychosomatic diseases. In this case, we mean restraining emotions directly during a conflict - so as not to say or do anything that you will greatly regret later.
Self-control is an important component in resolving any conflicts. If opponents lose control of themselves, emotions begin to overwhelm them. Over time, both the reason for the quarrel and the essence of mutual claims may be forgotten, but the memory of the unpleasant experiences will remain - this will be a kind of emotional imprint of what happened. Therefore, if you really want to resolve the conflict and not inflame it, restrain your emotions during the conflict. This can be done using simple to impossible actions: the primitive exercise “count to ten, take a deep breath, and then speak,” or by redirecting activity (you can go wash the dishes until you “let it go”), etc.
Some tips for creating harmonious relationships
According to some postulates of the psychology of relationships, building them is serious work. But the most important thing is to know what exactly you need to work on, so as not to waste time and to get results. This can be compared to cutting a diamond - the better its edges are processed, the more harmonious the relationship will be. A distinctive, but far from very pleasant feature of modernity is that life is increasingly filled with substituted, and mainly material, values. True values such as trust, love, family, friendship, etc. faded into the background somewhere. So which facets of the relationship diamond should we work on to make sure everything works out well? Read more…
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Conflict resolution: remember its cause, the essence of the conflict and your goal
So we stopped our negative experiences and did not let the conflict flare up. Everyone took several deep breaths, counted to ten and drank some water. Since your head has become a little clearer, you can remember the reasons that caused the conflict and slowly move on to resolving it.
In order to resolve the conflict, it is necessary to remember why it started in the first place. What is the problem that needs to be solved? Difference of views regarding vacation destination? Questions about living together? Solve exactly the issue that is the essence of the conflict, and do not jump to discussing other problems. You should not use generalizations (“You always do this”, “You never…”) - you are talking about a specific case and solving a specific problem, and therefore the question “how can this be solved?” should be a priority.
Create a plan to solve the problem
A conflict in which only mutual accusations are heard is a swamp in which you can get stuck for a very long time. If you want the result of a conflict situation to be a real solution to the problem, then there is a need for a plan for further action.
In essence, a plan for solving a problem and resolving a conflict situation is a detailed answer to the question “how can this be solved?” given by both parties. It is worth asking yourself what you can do in this situation, how to contribute to solving the problem, and what you think your partner should do. And let the other side of the conflict ask themselves the same questions, and then discuss the answers. As a rule, the plan for solving the problem drawn up after this is something in between all the opinions of different parties, a kind of “golden mean”.
By creating such a plan, you protect yourself and your partner from the “emotional bomb” that can spoil the relationship, and take a step forward towards a constructive solution to the conflict.
Online program “Building Relationships”
In 4 weeks on this program, you will learn how to build a relationship in which both partners will be happy and satisfied, learn to help cope with difficulties and develop together, find mutual understanding and live in harmony with your partner. The program will help you live a happier and more vibrant life, unlock your potential and expand your boundaries, as well as save time and protect your health, because healthy and strong relationships help you overcome obstacles and solve problems faster and easier. Find out more...
We sincerely wish that there will always be harmony and mutual understanding in your relationships, and we sincerely hope that our materials will help you achieve this!
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Keywords:1Communications, 1Relationships
Be flexible
Conflicts can be very persistent, and the reason for this lies in the lack of flexibility on the part of both sides.
During a conflict, each person becomes a little like a warrior: I am ready to fight to the end, defending my interests, because the truth is on my side... We become so fixated on our own motives, emotions and desires that we simply refuse to understand the position of our opponent. But first you need to do very little - just listen to the opinion of the other side.
It is impossible to resolve a conflict when each side is focused only on the need to satisfy its own interests. But if you listen to the other side and try to forget about your principles and positions for a while, you can discover another path for yourself - the path of finding a compromise or cooperation to solve the problem. The positive of this path, first of all, is that it promises satisfaction (at least partial) of the interests of both parties, brings mutual satisfaction with the result obtained and helps to unite the partners as a couple. As a result, what emerges from such a conflict is a family that has already been hardened by life’s difficulties, but has survived and become stronger.
Conflict is not forever
Conflicts, like any process, have their beginning, development and ending. No quarrel will last forever, and this fact is worth keeping in mind. After what happened, life will continue, and it is better to always think about what will happen in this “after”.
The conflict itself is not a “world evil” - the whole question is how we use it. An unconstructive conflict involves an emotional outburst on the part of the parties, a barrage of mutual accusations, and long-held resentment. But conflict can also be used for good: with its help, you can identify “holes” in the ship of your relationship, and patch up all the holes before it sinks.
Moreover, conflicts are part of relationships: relationships can be represented as songs, and fights are those moments when the singer begins to sing louder. It depends only on you whether the high notes will turn into soft, pleasant singing, and what the overall impression of this part of the song will be.
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Conflict in relationships
Another family scandal ended with breaking dishes and “moving” the husband onto the sofa? Don't rush to prepare your divorce papers! In almost any family, conflicts are inevitable, and this is not a pathological phenomenon, but the norm.
The beginning of a relationship is, as a rule, love euphoria and idealization of the partner. However, over time, they are inevitably replaced by a period of disagreements and misunderstandings. Partners begin to see each other not as ideal lovers, but as real people - with their own characteristics and shortcomings. If spouses do not know how (or do not want) to hear each other and talk through problems, then the situation can develop in two directions: the partners either restrain their dissatisfaction or express it ineptly.
Options for active behavior in a conflict can be as follows : - blame your loved one for everything (although responsibility in a relationship is always divided into two) - insist that the partner himself must guess about their desires and needs (shifting responsibility for their own well-being to another person). Such people do not know how to realize what they want, and do not know how to ask for it... - “waving their fists after a fight.” That is, drawing conclusions about what they DO NOT want after the fact (instead of thinking and saying about it in advance).
Another scenario : a lover is afraid to conflict, hides his dissatisfaction... But even here there are pitfalls. By restraining himself, a person does not show his true face - which means he is not real in a relationship! In addition, internal tension grows and grows, and over time, either a powerful “explosion” occurs, or the person turns into a grumbler who is always dissatisfied with everything. In all these cases, a family psychologist will help. A good psychologist will help you look at the situation from the outside, show possible ways to resolve the conflict and resources in it.
The point is that in conflict, partners show their negative feelings. And if the other is able to accept them and not turn away, then the union continues. After all, people are mostly afraid that after the relationship is sorted out, the partner will leave or the relationship will deteriorate. Any conflict reveals what exactly does not suit one or both partners. It is important to hear this, understand each other’s needs, and recognize them as important. It is curious that after the conflict is resolved, the partners become even closer and already know what to expect from each other. Conflicts also give rise to greater interest in the partner: the union ceases to be positively flat and becomes more multifaceted, emotional and “convex”. Many psychologists in Nizhny Novgorod are sure: you shouldn’t be afraid of conflicts, you just need to use them wisely! Try to understand each other, explain your position and hear your spouse, recognize both your and his needs as important, and find a compromise.
Examples of conflicts: coercion of one spouse by the other, pressure from authority, male power, female intransigence or even insidiousness, confrontation: spouses act according to their own discretion, not paying attention to the partner, often without even talking to each other. There is a struggle between partners. In such relationships there is little respect and recognition of the value of each spouse - this is a dead end; avoiding the problem, the spouses, by tacit agreement, do not touch upon the sore subject for the time being. However, if they understand that this is temporary, think about their partner's behavior and their own, and finally decide to talk to each other, they can come to a reasonable decision. If the partners continue to hush up the unresolved issue, then the tension increases more and more, disturbing the comfort and tranquility in their relationship; smoothing out the conflict. Sometimes this is a completely appropriate path, as long as it ends in mutual and final consent, and not in the oppression of one of the partners. BUT: if partners (or one of them) try to smooth out conflicts all the time, then this is a path to nowhere: they do not show themselves as real, hide their true feelings (irritation, resentment, anger, etc.); compromise. A completely acceptable path, where during the discussion the spouses come to a solution acceptable to both and mutual reconciliation.
At a consultation with a psychologist, partners can understand that from time to time aggression is even necessary, since it carries a large charge of energy. Conflicts are not always destructive, they can also be useful (and if handled skillfully, they are!) It is important not to be afraid of them and to be able to benefit from them. There is “come to me” anger and “get away from me” anger. They have different vectors and are designed to serve different purposes. The first type of aggression is aimed at the desire to get closer to the partner, the second - at the desire to move away from him and protect one’s personal boundaries. Therefore, it is necessary to recognize what is happening to you at the time of a quarrel, where your aggression is directed.
Conclusions: - it is important to allow yourself to experience any feelings, - learn to express them, - and learn to ask for what you want, - listen and hear your partner, - be able to negotiate.
What will help you deal with the conflict, first of all, for yourself: – try to understand the true cause of the conflict, and not just the reason for it; – analyze your role in the first minutes of the emergence and further development of the conflict; - share responsibility for the conflict and take your part of the responsibility, and mentally give it to your partner - take a break, think about the good things that were and are between you, maybe you shouldn’t lose it? Undoubtedly, there are situations when no amount of thinking and persuasion helps. Then it’s worth thinking about, what keeps you close to each other? And is it worth maintaining a relationship that only brings harm...
Author Korobkova Yulia Aleksandrovna
