Greetings, dear readers!
One of the basic principles that helps a person achieve a sense of self-esteem is the ability to say NO to people. This is one of the necessary components of harmonious interaction between people and respect for each other. A person who listens to himself and knows how to manage his emotions values other people’s time, therefore, when he hears the word no in response to a request, he will perceive it adequately. Today we will figure it out once and for all: how to learn to say no to people, and at the same time feel psychologically comfortable. Begin.
Why don't people know how to refuse?
The inability to say “no” is associated with the fear of ruining relationships - most often people tend to follow the needs of another person contrary to their desires , rather than refuse. We are afraid of seeming impolite, however, when we act to the detriment of our own interests, we suffer not only morally, but also physically. Working for the interests of others over and over again, a person loses self-confidence, self-esteem falls, vitality decreases and the feeling of a consumer attitude towards oneself does not leave.
Most often, the reason for this behavior is banal fear, which can be divided into four types:
- fear of offending a person;
- fear of being refused if you have to ask for something yourself;
- fear of losing respect;
- fear of appearing rude or ill-mannered.
All these stereotypes are formed in people from early childhood and only become stronger throughout later life. But if you put aside emotions, it becomes clear that an adequate person will accept your refusal with understanding and this will not affect your further communication in any way. Especially if you have the ability to refuse correctly - without making excuses and at the same time without seeming too impolite. Below we will look at how to do this, but for now let’s discuss why it is so important to learn to say no to people?
What can the inability to refuse lead to?
Reliability can play a cruel joke on you over time: people will begin to perceive your kindness as weakness or softness and will begin to use it for their own purposes as necessary, and sometimes even try to shift most of the work onto your shoulders. Treat your own time with respect if you want others to respect you.
Most often, by saying “yes” where we could and should have said “no”, we are subconsciously trying to please, to maintain a warm relationship with a person, although often such sacrifices are not worth it . In most situations, refusal is a way to set personal boundaries.
Take a look at your own life from the outside, evaluate how much time you spend on yourself, and how much on strangers and serving their interests . Do you have free time that you can devote to your hobbies? If you have a strong feeling that people too often turn to you for “help” and you are unable to refuse (even when it would be worth doing), then it’s time to take decisive action and learn to refuse once and for all. Now we will move on to the main part of our article - we will analyze specific methods and techniques that will help you learn to say NO to people.
Preparing the ground for refusal
So, you are determined to learn to refuse requests that go against your interests. But it is important not to go too far and not acquire the reputation of an egoist who protects only his own interests. Learn to say “no” only where it is required - this is the main goal of working on yourself.
Now start analyzing. Remember the last time you wanted to refuse, but didn’t. Take a piece of paper and describe the feelings you had at that moment, and then try to formulate the reason why this happened. If the source of consent is fear of losses that will follow refusal, visualize how the situation could develop further.
Imagine being told no. Try to predict the reaction of the person asking, draw in your head a detailed picture of the events following the refusal. Are you still sure that the ability to refuse will lead to trouble?
Does the boss really value reliability rather than professionalism and good work? Will your colleagues really be offended if you don’t go to a corporate party? Could their respectful relationship, which has developed over the years, be ruined by such a trifle as a refusal to spend the evening together?
Explaining the reasons why you want to refuse is useful in communicating with loved ones and understanding people. When they ask for help, they may not know that they are disrupting another person's plans. Say it tactfully, and the justified need to say “no” may well lead to a comfortable refusal of the request.
At first, while there are no sufficient skills to refuse people directly, a remote “no” becomes an assistant. Tell the person asking that you are not ready to answer right now. Ask for time to think, warning that you will give an answer on social networks, by SMS or by phone. Refusing at a distance is easier than in person.
What phrases to use to competently refuse?
So, if you still decide to say no, then you need to do it firmly and without hesitation. The following formulations are very suitable:
- “I refuse because... this will cause me a lot of inconvenience”;
- “I’m sure you can cope with this without my help”;
- “Now it will be extremely inconvenient for me to help with this”;
- “It looks like you just don’t want to bother yourself”;
- "No. To perform this work, it is better to contact ... (taxi driver, loader, plumber, etc.)"
- "I do not want to do this";
- "I don't have time for this."
So, these 7 formulations maintain the optimal balance between politeness and sufficient categoricalness, and at the same time, simple enough to refuse an inconvenient request. But in fact, what you say is not so important, what matters most is how. The main thing is that the confidence and firmness in your decision is obvious to the interlocutor, and his attempts to persuade you are not crowned with success.
I think this is all clear. Now let's look at a few important rules that will help you learn to refuse without experiencing moral discomfort.
Learn to recognize manipulation
They may try to manipulate even after you have said no. A person may begin to press for pity or convince him that his request is not at all difficult. The methods may vary, but if your refusal is not taken seriously and they try to make you feel guilty, you are definitely dealing with manipulation.
“A simple tip is to prepare a few template phrases that will help firmly stop the manipulation and end the conversation.
Something like, “I’m sorry to say no, but I’m not ready to help you.” A person who knows how to refuse will most likely come up with an answer to the manipulator. But someone who doesn’t know how to say “no” well will easily lose control of the situation. Ready-made templates will help you not to get bogged down in unnecessary thoughts,” says Dmitry.
Source: giphy.com
How to say no correctly: 5 simple rules
The ability to refuse correctly, in general, comes down to politely listening to the request, weighing everything, and saying no. However, in practice this is much more difficult to do than it seems, for the reasons that we have already discussed above. Therefore, let's learn a few simple rules that will help you not only learn how to refuse, but also do it in such a way as not to experience emotional discomfort. Start following them the next time you feel the need to refuse. So:
1. Take time to think
This way you don't say no right away, but you set the person up for the possibility that he might get rejected. During this time, he can select alternative options. It is especially important to take a break if the request takes you by surprise and you need to weigh the pros and cons in a calm environment. For example, knowing that you work in a hospital, a former classmate contacted you so that you could arrange an appointment with a doctor without waiting in line. But you work as an accountant and have nothing to do with doctors, and you don’t want to be obligated to anyone, because debt is worth paying. In this case, it is advisable to answer that you will think about it and respond tomorrow. A feeling of uncertainty will force the person asking to look for backup ways to resolve his issue.
2. Practice the little things.
Learn to say no, starting with small requests. Start training with people you can easily refuse. For example, an acquaintance asks him to give him a ride somewhere, but it’s not very convenient for you right now (or you don’t want to - that’s also a good reason). Start with him - refuse his request. Of course, you should do this without detriment to yourself: if you really want to help, then do it.
It’s not difficult to start saying no to loved ones because with them there is less risk of getting a feeling of guilt for refusing as a “bonus”. But if, nevertheless, the negative emotion could not be avoided, work through the refusal again, allow yourself to get used to defending your personal space and your interests.
3. Be persistent
You have learned to refuse, but the person does not hear you and gives his arguments why your no should turn into agreement. You tell him about your emotions, and in return he tells you how he feels and why he needs help. He can’t cope without you, you are his savior. Do not succumb to provocation , although it may not be such, and the person was simply surprised by your refusal, because until you learned to say “no” it was easy for him to be with you. If necessary, repeat several times and justify your refusal.
4. Offer alternatives
The feeling of guilt that arises after saying “no” is due to the fact that you are haunted by a feeling of betrayal. And in the role of a traitor - you. Learn to think correctly! You did not leave the person in a difficult situation if you offered him alternative options. A friend asks you to babysit your child? Give her the contact information of a trusted nanny. Does your neighbor want you to lend him money until tomorrow? Share the pawnshop's phone number with him. This is an excellent technique to “smooth out” the possible negativity from your first refusals.
5. Don't make excuses!
Spare yourself and the person asking from detailed explanations and stories about why you are telling him “no.” He is interested in the result, not your excuses. A skilled manipulator will be able to find pain points and press on them in the hope that your “no” will become less firm, and then completely turn into a “yes.” If you refuse, do not forget about education and correct wording. When they ask you to borrow money, do not say bluntly, “I won’t give it because I don’t believe that you will pay it back to me.” Or if you are invited to a concert, saying “I won’t go because I’m not interested in communicating with you” is rudeness. Be polite, but most importantly, learn to save your own body’s resources and do not waste energy on those who are used to getting their way by force or through moral pressure.
Here's a little summary of this important piece of information we just covered:
Calmly explain the reasons for refusal
Although you are not required to explain the reasons for the refusal, it may be helpful. It will be easier for your interlocutor to accept a reasoned refusal, and you will feel fewer pricks of conscience. The main thing is to remember that a simple reluctance to do something is also a fairly good reason.
“Just sharply saying “no” and leaving it at that will be strange in most situations. This is a bit rude. I always briefly explain why I don’t want or can’t take on a specific task. And if I’m generally interested in the project, but don’t have time, I say that I’ll be ready to return to the discussion when I’m done with the current priority tasks,” says Pavel.
“When I refuse candidates, I always give detailed feedback. I explain why we cannot invite a person to work. I'm sure it makes rejection less unpleasant. I do almost the same thing with personal requests. I rarely even say “no” directly, but rather describe why I’m not ready to help,” says Ivan, a recruiter at an international company.
We consolidate the acquired knowledge
Friends, if you want to continue to develop and take your communication skills with people to a new level, I recommend that you take the online course “Effective Communication” from the famous training platform “Vikium”. The course lasts 30 days, it includes 33 video lectures, 26 exercises, 6 tests.
This course will teach you:
- Manage your emotions
- Communicate more effectively with your surroundings
- Overcome difficult emotional situations
- Manage conflicts
- Understand the other person's feelings and thoughts on a deeper level
- Build harmonious relationships
The author of the course is Oleg Kalinichev. Expert in nonverbal behavior, emotional intelligence and lie detection. Accredited trainer PaulEkman International. Managing Director of PaulEkman International in Russia (PEI Russia).
Now let’s return to the topic of the article and discuss another important point.
Is the ability to refuse a bad thing?
The main thing to remember is that saying no doesn't automatically make you a bad person. You will not become an unloving husband, a cruel colleague, an unfriendly neighbor. You are a person who has his own life, his own plans, interests, which at the moment contradict the request for help. And this is not a confrontation at all - this is the normal state of affairs.
Helping of our own free will, we feel comfortable, but if we have to step over ourselves, give up our plans, irritation grows inside , bordering on self-doubt. How many times have you reproached yourself for not learning how to refuse correctly? Or wanted to say no, but agreed to help instead?
Remember that simply learning to say “no” is not enough - it is important to feel confident and calm when doing so. And understanding that saying no is not a bad thing is an important step towards getting rid of the internal discomfort when you say “no” to someone.
Don't make excuses
Long excuses take away your strength and give your interlocutor room for manipulation. Remember: explaining the reasons for refusal and making excuses are two different things.
“Many people, at the moment of refusal, begin to make long excuses, describing a bunch of reasons why they supposedly cannot do something. A manipulator will easily find a way to challenge these excuses and force a person to do something that he does not want. When I refuse, I explain the reasons in such a way that it leaves no room for discussion,” says Ivan.
“It becomes awkward if in response to a request I receive some long excuses. If a person simply says “no,” the conversation will be over. And when the stream of excuses starts pouring in, it becomes difficult. You feel as if you are forcing a person to do something, as if you said something unacceptable,” shares Pavel.
“Excuses are absolutely useless. It can be helpful to calmly explain the reasons for refusal. But
when a person makes excuses, it becomes obvious that he considers himself obligated to fulfill someone else’s request and therefore is forced to invent some kind of insurmountable circumstances.
If a person is sure that he is not going to do something, he does not invent excuses. There’s just no such need,” says Dmitry.
