Philemaphobia: how to overcome the fear of kissing

What is philemaphobia

Philemaphobia is the name given to the fear of kissing. It is customary to distinguish between fear of the first kiss and fear of kissing as such. In the first case, it is enough to overcome the barrier once in order not to encounter problems in this area of relationships in the future. If you are afraid of kisses as such, professional psychological treatment is indicated.

The fear of the first kiss is associated with the fear of rejection, fear of ridicule, fear of failure, fear of disgrace. This type of fear is more typical of men, since they are the ones who are expected to take the first steps. Fear of kisses as such is more often associated with personal psychological traumas and complexes. This type of fear is equally characteristic of both men and women.

This is interesting! Philemaphobes may be in close relationships, but they never resort to “calf tenderness,” especially kissing. In advanced stages, even kissing scenes in movies or kisses from other people in real life frighten the patient.

How does a phobia manifest itself?

The leading symptom is avoidance of close communication. This desire determines the remaining features of the life and behavior of a philemaphobe:

tendency to solitude;
chronic stress, anxiety, irrational fear;
aversion to romance like films;
narrowing of the circle of contacts, impoverishment of contacts with the opposite sex;
panic attacks in those moments when someone tries to kiss a philemaphobe.

During a kiss, the patient experiences discomfort, anxiety and a feeling of fear worsen. The manifestations and strength of a panic attack depend on the characteristics of the course of the disease and its stage. Manifestations range from slight tremors in the limbs to irrational actions, for example, the patient may push or hit someone who is reaching out to him. Other people who are afraid to kiss may cry, scream, or run away.

In addition to psychological manifestations, a panic attack is accompanied by somatic changes:

feeling of suffocation;
frequent shallow breathing;
cardiopalmus;
chest pain;
high blood pressure;
shiver;
dizziness;
problems with coordination;
dry mouth;
increased sweating;
chills;
gastrointestinal disorder;
a feeling of unreality of what is happening.

How the fear of kissing manifests itself

Symptoms of the pathology depend on the cause of the phobia. Panic attacks occur in people who have experienced a traumatic event at an early age. Philemaphobia is expressed by hand tremors, increased sweating and chest pain. Panic makes the victim defensive, and irrational behavior has no explanation. Spontaneous reactions can cause genuine bewilderment of a partner.

A person susceptible to a phobia may laugh or cry at the most inopportune moment, fight off the advances of a partner and run away at the first opportunity. Kissing phobia has several manifestations, aimed at the external world and at the internal sense of self. To avoid intimacy, the victim of a phobia chooses voluntary confinement and becomes a recluse.

Causes of phobia

For most people, the fear of touching their lips with their lips seems strange, but philemaphobes always have hidden reasons for this behavior. Most often it is a matter of psychological trauma , but in addition, fear can be caused by the costs of upbringing and character traits (disgust, shyness, complexes). Let's look at the probable reasons in more detail.

Disgust and disgust

A similar attitude towards the natural manifestation of love is found in childhood. But with moral teachings from parents, distrust of the world as such, dislike for people, fear of becoming infected with something, fear takes root and grows with the person.

This is interesting! A person who is afraid of becoming a source of an unpleasant odor constantly chews gum, uses air fresheners, and does not eat onions and garlic.

Negative experiences and unpleasant feelings

Violence, watching shocking scenes in films or real life, personal unpleasant experiences with kissing. For example, a child saw a horror film where some monster with a bloody mouth tried to kiss a girl, or saw a scene with violence (someone was kissed against his will). Or the person found himself in an awkward situation related to kissing. Or maybe someone made fun of him, humiliated him, saying that he was a disgusting kisser. Youthful bullying because a teenager has not yet been kissed can also cause trauma.

Associated phobias

The fear of kissing is often combined with the fear of falling in love. For such people, lip contact is a sign of increased emotional intimacy and the beginning of a relationship. They are afraid of becoming vulnerable, afraid of another painful breakup.

Fear of people of the opposite sex can also be a cause of fear. For example, a woman is still offended by some man or is afraid of him, because of this she cannot get close to other representatives of the stronger sex. And the fear of kissing a girl can be caused by negative memories in a man or fear of all women, virgins, and other categories of the fair sex.

Philemaphobia is associated with the following types of fears (the subject of fear is indicated in brackets):

philophobia (love, affection);
arrhenphobia (men);
gynophobia (women);
Gamophobia (marriage);
genophobia (sex);
mysophobia (infections, germs);
Chiraptophobia (touching);
Anuptaphobia (mistake when choosing a partner).

Bites and injuries

A playful kiss or an accidental bite due to inexperience can turn into real psychological trauma, especially if this happened in childhood or adolescence. Some parents instill fear in their children of kissing, for example, they say that this is how children are born, or that this is how you can lose your tongue or suffocate. Or maybe the child (teenager) was hit on the lips by his parents or opponent.

Complexity and shyness

Some people perceive hugs, kisses and other tactile contact as a violation of personal space. Maybe they are ready to bask with a person close to them in their understanding, but they are definitely not ready for routine kisses when they meet. This behavior is typical for shy, reserved, complex people and introverts, as well as reserved people with underdeveloped emotional intelligence.

It is important! Braces, pathologies and defects in the oral cavity often become the cause of complexes. But the cause of the complex may also be another defect, often fictitious. In both the first and second cases, the person is afraid of close contacts and considers himself unworthy.

Causes of philemaphobia

There are many reasons that provoke the appearance of the disorder:

fear of losing control. A person believes that during a kiss he will lose the ability to think sensibly and allow unwanted events to happen;
violation of personal space. Fear that another person will destroy the personal boundaries of the phobe, and as a result the latter will feel vulnerable, he will have a feeling of insecurity, and personal comfort will be lost;
experience of violence - if the philemaphobe has been subjected to sexual violence or attempted rape in the past, during which the rapist tried to kiss the victim. This is a rather difficult psychological circumstance, especially suffered during adolescence. It leaves a deep traumatic mark on the psyche;
disgust. The thought of having a foreign tongue in the mouth causes a feeling of disgust in the patient;
fear of being bitten. A person is afraid that during a kiss his partner may bite him on the lip or cheek. One of the reasons for this fear is an unsuccessful childhood experience. There is a well-known situation where children in kindergarten bite each other. The victim subsequently experiences fear at the sight of any approaching mouth, including during a kiss. The patient realizes that the process should bring pleasure, but childhood fear takes over. It’s not without reason that they say that all problems come from childhood;
watching horror films. Scenes where disgusting tentacles grow from the monster's mouth cause unpleasant sensations. But such a picture affects impressionable, emotional people more intensely, inspiring fear associated with the oral zone, and transforming into an unusual phobia;
fear of intimate relationships. A person is afraid to kiss, as it implies further entry into an intimate relationship;
obsession with hygiene. Philemaphobe is afraid to kiss because he expects an unpleasant odor from the mouth;
religious beliefs. Deeply religious people avoid kisses, considering them vulgar and immoral. The possibility of kissing is fearfully rejected to prevent sinful acts;
cultural motives. In some tribes of South America, Asia, and Africa, kissing is not accepted at all. Therefore, philemaphobia manifests itself as fear of the unknown;
There is a concept of fear before the first kiss. A person is afraid of disappointing his partner.

Particular attention should be paid to sex education for adolescents. Often the phobia originates from childhood, when a child or teenager incorrectly interprets scenes of intimate life. The reason may be silence or a ban on discussing intimate topics.

In some cases, philemaphobia becomes a response to an ignored fear that arose in the course of seeing a picture of oral sex. This usually becomes the lot of teenagers who watch pornographic films.

People at risk

According to system-vector psychology, the risk group includes the following categories of people:

Skin vector. People with this type of psyche see threats everywhere. They imagine infections, viruses, and other dangers.
Anal vector. These are very categorical people who are not used to parting with their beliefs. An example is men who do not want to enter into relationships with women who have already had intimate experience.
Smell vector. They are repelled by the unpleasant smell.
Tactile vector. These people protect their skin in every way, perceiving it as a border between the external and internal world.
Visual vector. The reason is long-term observation of emotionless relationships, where one of the partners or both were cold, did not love each other, and suffered from philemaphobia.

You can interact with each of these people, if you take into account its characteristics.

It is important! Adolescents, suspicious and anxious individuals are at risk.

What are the reasons for fear?

Those people who are afraid of touching their lips are not crazy or maniacs. The fear of kissing, known scientifically as philemaphobia, develops for clear reasons. Most often these are certain life situations that happened in their lives.

Today there are the following reasons why this phobia develops:

Visual shock. More often it occurs after watching movies in which the kissing scenes looked quite creepy.
Having a negative experience. Individuals who have had trouble with kissing are unlikely to want to repeat this action, knowing how it will end.
Excessive disgust. People with this trait come as no surprise, because by default they do not want much contact with other people.
Fear of violation of personal space. They value their personal space much more than others, and approaching their lips can cause severe panic or even stupor.
Bite. The reason for this fear comes from childhood. Young children may exhibit strange reactions towards each other. And sometimes the consequences of a bite develop from a simple mark on the skin into a phobia.
Fear of falling in love. There is a category of people for whom kissing means falling in love. The fear of establishing a strong emotional connection with a person gives rise to a reluctance to kiss, which turns into fear.
Lack of intimate experience. Some may be terrified of kissing a guy simply because they have no experience. This reason is quite funny, but quite real.
Presence of braces. In this case, an inferiority complex manifests itself. Anyone who does not want to appear inferior or defective in the eyes of another may refrain from kissing to his own detriment.
The person has become a victim of violence. A tragic encounter with maniacs or dissolute individuals can easily discourage you from having any contact with society and will force you to avoid kissing.

To summarize briefly, there is only one innate reason due to which the fear of kisses develops - disgust.

Disgust is an innate reason for the fear of kissing

All other influencing factors are completely acquired by a person during his life.

How to overcome fear and get rid of a phobia

The older the patient, the more difficult it is to cope with the phobia, but recovery can be achieved at any age. Success depends on the desire and activity of the person himself, and the correct treatment. That is why it is better to immediately contact a psychologist.

What you can do yourself

If pathology has not subdued you, and fear has not become obsessive, then you can do something yourself.

How to overcome fear and get rid of a phobia:

Be careful if you wear braces or if you or your partner have a lip piercing;
practice auto-training (self-hypnosis, reading affirmations in front of a mirror);
Talk openly about your fears with your partner or loved one.

If you are embarrassed by the condition of your teeth or bad breath, then visit a dentist or gastroenterologist. A specialist will help solve the problem.

How to overcome the fear of the first kiss? You need to overcome the fear of failure and fear of rejection. First, you need to understand that refusals and failures happen to everyone. It's part of experience and development. Secondly, you need to learn to better understand other people and pick up non-verbal signals from the opposite sex.

Destroying Fears

Destroying fear involves getting closer to it. If you can kiss a loved one without a panic attack, then this can be considered a success. Instill in yourself the idea of the irrationality of fear and get closer to it: viewing photos, videos, a personal kiss on the forehead, cheek, lips. It is recommended to use art therapy. And also in this matter, the support of your partner is important; only together can you overcome the barrier.

Kissing techniques for treatment

You can find dozens of kissing techniques on the Internet, but psychologists note that there is no universal and correct technique, just as no two people or relationships are the same. You need to learn to understand, listen, feel your partner. This is true in everything: conversation, caresses, kisses. However, one of the techniques is recognized as healing - the Japanese kiss technique.

Advice from psychologists

Professional treatment uses individual and group psychotherapy. First, with the help of psychoanalysis, a psychologist determines the root cause of fear. At the same time, the psychologist analyzes the characteristics of the client’s development and life, the leading traits of his character, worldview, and conditions of upbringing. Based on the history obtained, the psychologist offers a correction program and exercises for joint and independent work.

How to overcome the fear of the first kiss:

Imagine it. Feel the tastes, smells, emotions, feelings. Imagine your partner’s attractive behavior, advances on his part, and reciprocal attraction to you. Imagine the kiss itself in detail.
Remember one of the heroes of the film. Imagine yourself in the image of a macho (fatal beauty), get used to the role.
Remember any victory, not necessarily in the area of intimate relationships.

All three methods help to gain self-confidence. If they don't help, then try the opposite method of getting rid of fear. Imagine the worst-case scenario. Having experienced the negative in advance, the psyche will not want to return to it again, the anxiety will ease.

How to learn to kiss correctly?

Watch videos.

YouTube is rightfully considered a storehouse of knowledge in this matter. All you have to do is type in the query “how to kiss correctly” - and the site will give you thousands of video tips. The advantage of this method is its clarity, because in the videos the kiss is shown up close, almost in cross-section. Although such rendered 3D graphic clips probably also exist.

The main disadvantage is the lack of practice and tactile sensation. But this can be easily dealt with by using the following recommendations.

Ask experienced friends for help.

Older brothers, sisters, and already “experienced” friends can come to the rescue. It is enough to ask them to demonstrate in detail the kiss with their couples. Or at least just show the basic movements of the lips and tongue, if the “teachers” are not in a relationship with anyone.

It’s better not to ask to show the technique on yourself. This, of course, will add to the experience, but, firstly, all the charm of the first time will disappear, and, secondly, awkwardness will appear and then it will be difficult to look into the eyes of an acquaintance or acquaintance.

Use your fingers.

This technique is quite simple, practical, but very effective. Procedure :

leave the index and middle fingers straight and bend the rest towards the palm;
spread your straightened fingers slightly to the sides - just a little, so that there is a small gap between them, equating to slightly parted lips;
practice light kissing and biting. Try to gently lick the skin, checking whether too much saliva remains on it;
try to gently close your lip with your fingers, imitating your partner’s movements;
barely stick the pad of your thumb between two straight lines - this is a “model” of the tip of the tongue on which you can train;
if this is not enough, you can bend the little finger of the other hand and use it instead of the thumb, adjusting the degree of bend so that it imitates the width of the tongue.

The good thing about this method is that it includes theory and practice, is carried out on your own, and does not require an abstruse approach. A little imagination, a pinch of effort - and everything will work out.

Use the right products.

The most common, still “old-fashioned” method is tomatoes. However, the skin of this fruit is not like lips. It is smooth, while the lips can be rough. The skin easily glides over the tomato, but with real contact, the lips rub, and if you don’t lick them, they can stick to each other.

Based on this, it is better to use a ripe, juicy peach. It is rough, softer on the outside and inside, vulnerable to rough movements, and also does not contain small seeds or seeds. It is enough to bite off a small piece, forming a small recess, similar to an open mouth. The main thing is not to overdo it and not develop an allergy.

Practice in front of a mirror.

Kissing requires close enough contact that the partner will not be able to see the whole picture of the action. However, he will notice jaw movements, head tilts, and facial expressions in general.

So that the facial expression says “I am the most kissable person in the world!”, and not “What a horror this first time is! I’m about to faint!”, you can practice in front of a mirror.

First, the skill is honed with open eyes so that you can follow everything. Then, when the actions become more or less automatic, the eyes are closed, and all the steps taken are reproduced “blindly”.

Take a self-confidence test

Rely on nature.

Sometimes it's enough to just let go and let the event happen on its own. Reflexes will prompt the base, and then all that remains is to adapt to the movements of the couple or simply start mirroring them.

If this step seems too difficult, it may be better to postpone the first kiss. And time can be spent getting closer to your partner, overcoming a period of acute awkwardness. After crossing such a milestone, it will be much easier to decide on such an important romantic step.

The danger and consequences of philemaphobia

Because of the fear of kissing, the quality of personal and intimate life suffers. Most philemaphobes refuse relationships altogether. A phobia does not interfere with everyday life, does not interfere with professional self-realization, but it spoils personal life and interferes with the building of love and family. The patient becomes a recluse, his life turns into a “home-work-home” system. If the patient is afraid of any kisses, even friendly ones, then any exit from the house turns into stress, then work and meetings with friends are also under threat.

It is important! Because of loneliness and internal torment, neuroses and depression develop. Constant tension leads to the development of psychosomatic diseases.