Modesty - what is it and how to get rid of it

As a virtue, modesty is not very popular. People with this character trait do not often appear on the covers of glossy publications, scandals do not erupt around them, and in general they give very little reason for sensations, even if they are famous.

This leads to one misconception about modest people: that they lack confidence. But this is not so, because they have inner strength, although they do not boast about it, flaunting it. Thus, we can say that modesty is a quiet strength.

According to Wikipedia, modesty is the ability to keep oneself within limits, to be moderate, calm, and restrained. This can be either a character trait or a person’s way of life, or, interestingly, a skill.

Modesty is expressed in the following:

maintaining the limits of decency;
moderation of demands;
decency and sedateness in communicating with other people;
lack of lust for power, the desire to dominate, showing off;
indifference to luxury and excess.

To explore the power of humility, we'll look at this character trait from all angles, understand how it combines with its influence on other people, answer some questions, and also conduct a little self-analysis.

Two types of influential forces

In the context of modesty, there are two types of people. And they are, as a rule, on completely opposite sides of the social spectrum.

The first type has a fleeting influence on others. They seem quite powerful and confident, but their strength turns out to be insignificant. Maybe you succumbed to their influence today, but tomorrow it will completely disappear. People of the second type have very little influence at first, but over time it grows and becomes stronger.

Before we take a closer look at the two types of people, let's do a quick self-analysis to determine which side of the spectrum you fall on. Ask yourself the following questions:

Am I acting out of fear or gratitude?
As a rule, am I more likely to trust people or are they more likely to trust me?
Do I always try to prove that I am right or am I comfortable with the fact that people can have their own opinions?
Do I feel that I am better than others or perceive them as my equal?
Are people in my shadow or am I allowing them to be in the spotlight?
Do I often brag about my achievements or do I prefer to talk about other people's achievements?

Pay attention to the conjunction “or”: it helps to talk about the behavior of two types of people in one sentence. Write down the answers to the questions, and then answer another one: how do you feel in those situations that you did not choose? For example, if you like to be the life of the party, how do you feel when others are the center of attention?

If you tend to choose both options, then you are somewhere in the middle of this spectrum. Perhaps this behavior is reasonable. In any case, this is better than being too modest (even shy) or overly self-confident.

Of course, the amount of influence depends on many factors. However, there is one that stands out from the rest and has great power: whether you act out of gratitude or fear. In other words, out of a sense of humility or arrogance (a form of dominance).

Yes, arrogance, like many unpleasant human traits, is a derivative of inner fear. We are afraid that we will not be appreciated enough, so we choose defiant behavior to boost our self-esteem and muffle the voice of fear.

The benefits of modesty

Modesty has several very solid advantages over arrogance and the ignorance that often follows.

Great for leadership

Humble leaders are not only loved, they are also more productive and efficient in their responsibilities. A good leader is one who knows how to admit his mistakes and draw conclusions from them.

Increases self-control

Self-control is one of the key aspects of a successful life. Paradoxical or not, being obsessed with one's personality leads to decreased self-control.

Increases work capacity

A modest person rarely rests on his laurels, that is, after completing one task, he immediately takes on the second. He enjoys the process itself, and not the results, which sets him apart from others. In the end, modesty allows you to save mental energy, which is directed towards performing work duties.

Helps you learn and develop new skills

Humble people know that they “know nothing.” They are never satisfied with their current level of skills, so they strive to develop every day. When a person behaves humbly, it is easier for him to set himself up for a long journey. This is important, for example, when learning a foreign language or creating a startup.

Reduces prejudice

If a person is modest, he is less likely to look at the world with prejudice and show tolerance towards others.

Creates strong relationships between people

Humble people have stronger relationships. Why? They make the other person feel important because they don't focus on their ego.

Disadvantages of Modesty

We have already talked about a metaphorical scale on which excessive modesty is at the very extreme point of one end. This can already be called painful shyness, which is fraught with many disadvantages. Here are the main ones.

People will underestimate you

This is the biggest reason why you shouldn't be too modest.

If no one knows about what you've done, what important projects you've worked on, or what you've achieved, then don't be surprised that you're underappreciated. People simply don't have the right information.

Not everyone makes false assumptions, but most people will judge your abilities based on what they know. Excessive modesty leads to a lack of information. So don't be afraid to talk about your successes, just be careful not to sound like you're bragging. What to do? Communicate achievements at the right time, especially when asked directly.

Your skills may go unnoticed

How will people (especially a potential employer) know about your skills if you don't mention them? If you don't communicate your abilities, your talents will go unnoticed. And this has a very detrimental effect, for example, on income levels. But don’t just talk about it, but also show yourself in action.

You may end up becoming a follower rather than a leader.

While humility is the hallmark of a good leader, going to extremes can be costly. People need to know that you know how to lead, make strong-willed decisions, and have the ability to influence others.

What to do? Take advantage of every opportunity to lead people or take on complex projects that require strong team management.

Continuously study the virtues of modesty and open your heart to them

Today we talked about what such an important trait as modesty is. After realizing how important it is to show modesty in the face of Allah and his creations, the believer is faced with the question: am I modest enough? Where are the limits of modesty? By crossing what line do we cross the boundaries of modesty?

If character traits were completely innate, it would be almost impossible to change oneself or adapt. Islam calls for constant improvement and cultivation of beautiful moral qualities and distance from bad qualities. If this were impossible, Islam would not burden a person with such an injunction.

Allah Almighty said: “The one who purified it succeeded, and the one who hid it (discredited it, clothed it with injustice) suffered damage” (91: 9-10).

But despite this, people differ in their characteristics, capabilities and will to accept or change character traits. And if a person by nature is inclined to express a special quality, then it will be easier to improve this quality. This is because of the inner inclination (fitrah) that is in him. As for modesty, it can be innate or acquired. Some tips to help you become more modest or gain modesty:

1. Refrain from indecent words and actions, such as slander. This will only provoke the shaitan, who seeks to make a person stumble and tempts him with such acts. Refraining from these actions will not allow him to tempt you and lead you astray.

2. Continuously study the virtues of modesty and open your heart to them. Make a commitment to attain the highest level of modesty and gain the pleasure of Allah Almighty.

3. Strengthen iman and faith in the heart, since modesty is the fruit of iman and the knowledge of Allah Almighty.

4. Worship Allah, meditate on His beautiful names and qualities, which will lead to Allah awareness and perfect character. Examples of such names are: All-Knowing, All-Merciful, All-Forgiving, All-Seeing, Almighty, Protecting. When you do anything, remember that Allah sees you, and when you speak, remember that Allah hears you, and when you are silent, remember that Allah knows what you think and feel.

5. Consistently perform obligatory and optional acts of worship. Acts of worship strengthen iman and become protection from everything harmful.

6. Be truthful and avoid lies. Truthfulness leads to righteousness, and modesty is part of righteousness. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Truthfulness leads to righteousness, and righteousness leads to Paradise.”

7. Practice modesty on a regular basis so that it becomes your habit. In the pursuit of one good quality, a person acquires other good qualities, for example, patience.

8. Communication with righteous people. We are more influenced by our surroundings. And we gradually begin to accept the good qualities that people in our environment show ourselves.

9. Remember the greatest example of human modesty - the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). Study his syrah and his wonderful qualities. Also, study the modesty of his companions and their lives.

10. Remove yourself from a corrupt environment that will have a detrimental effect on your character. Don't take as friends those who think modesty is backward.

How to get rid of shyness

Excessive modesty develops into shyness, so you need to know how to get rid of it.

Reflect on your personality

Shyness, in contrast to introversion, which is associated with silence and restraint, is characterized by indecisiveness, tension, timidity, and social awkwardness.

Such a person harbors a huge fear that others will evaluate him in a negative way. Instead of thinking about what needs to be done, he focuses too much on the problem itself, without trying to find a way out.

One way to reduce social anxiety is to spend more time thinking about what you can think of to make the situation successful. Ask yourself questions:

In what situations do I show excessive modesty?
How can I make these situations more comfortable for me?

Be interested in other people

As we have already mentioned, an overly modest and shy person focuses too much on his emotions and feelings, and therefore cannot feel “at ease.” The solution is simple: start thinking about other people. This is a simple and effective strategy that not only helps remove anxiety, but also engages others. After all, everyone likes it when people pay attention to them.

This will be difficult at first, so ask yourself questions that will stimulate your curiosity:

What are this person's interests and hobbies?
What message does he want to convey?
Why is this person behaving this way?

Soften your internal dialogue

Shy people are often very critical of themselves, and their self-talk can be very harsh.

The inner critic can cause a lot of emotional damage, robbing you of peace of mind and lowering your self-esteem. All this only aggravates the problem, making it impossible to find a solution.

The voice with which you talk to yourself can become your best friend. Use words like “should” or “must” less often, especially in social situations.

Let's become a modest girl

The girl becomes educated in order to improve relationships with others and show herself on the good side.

This does not mean at all that being modest, a girl sits alone, feels constrained, and is uninteresting to others. A modest person can actively communicate with peers, be an interesting conversationalist, and a good friend.

What to give up

Modesty is associated with decency, seriousness, and selectivity in relationships and connections. Therefore, the first thing you need to do is give up vulgar clothing and provocative behavior.

Also, to be modest, you need to get rid of:

from obscene statements;
bad habits;
provocative clothing;
loud conversation and laughter.

Appearance

You don't have to be a gray mouse. Take care of yourself. Do neat hair and natural makeup.

To become modest, be careful about your clothes:

wear beautiful fashionable clothes that are not too tight or provocative;
choose things in pastel colors;
wear comfortable shoes with low or medium heels;
give preference to skirts.

Modest girls wear fashionable and stylish, but not provocative clothes

Behavior

Control your behavior and emotions. You shouldn’t get angry, throw tantrums, make trouble, or communicate with frivolous people. There is no need to raise your voice, speak politely in any situation, even if your interlocutor is shouting and swearing.

Watch your behavior:

Be positive. A sweet person energizes others with his love for life; being around him is easy and fun. Smile simply and naturally. Laugh to create a good mood.
Be friendly. Nice girls, although they can be shy, are always open to communication, and you want to talk to them. In a conversation, be interested in the interlocutor, listen to him carefully, and sincerely give compliments.
Body movements should be light. Move calmly and evenly. Look your interlocutor straight in the eyes, sometimes looking at the floor or feet. You can touch your interlocutor occasionally and lightly.

Don’t forget that if you want to change, you can make acquaintances and friends who also want this, and work on yourself together.

How to develop humility while influencing others

There are many things you can do to become a more humble person without losing your personality or becoming shy.

The easiest way to do this is to list the actions, habits, behaviors, and beliefs that create the modesty cocktail. Mix these ingredients together and you will get all the benefits we talked about earlier.

Remember that a humble person:

Often redirects praise to other people, as Oscar winners do.
Openly admits his mistakes and failures.
Boosts other people's confidence without bringing yourself down.
He does not flaunt his achievements and talents, but does not hide them.
Recognizes that skills and abilities do not appear out of the blue, but are the result of long and focused work.
When talking, he tries to dig deeper and find out what is good about the interlocutor. He acknowledges his merits directly, but does not flatter him.
Believes there is always more to learn. He does not stop for a second in his self-development.
Admits his mistakes and corrects them.

So here are simple strategies to help you become a more humble person.

Thank other people

Gratitude can make you less self-centered and helps you focus on the people around you. It kills pride and high self-esteem.

Expressing gratitude makes a person humble. It could be something small, like a simple “Thank you!” the person who held the door. Or significant, when you, as a leader, distinguish the contribution of each team member to success.

Treat everyone the same

This is one of the hardest ways to become humble. And yet, it is the most effective.

We humans are often susceptible to various cognitive distortions. For example, the “Eva Braun Effect” suggests that we tend to sympathize with other people simply because we know them.

Humble people are kind, considerate, courteous, and respectful to everyone they meet. Treat every person with the respect and dignity they deserve. Don't judge people by their status or position.

Ask for feedback

Self-confident, ignorant people do not need feedback, because they already know everything and they do not need to learn anything more.

Ask a few close friends to be really honest about three things they value about you and three areas where you could use some growth.

Challenge preconceptions

Psychology Ph.D. Joshua Hook believes that to become humble and moderate, you need to start with the following exercise: identify an area in which you have little understanding.

One of his students, for example, had a lot of prejudices about older people and believed that they were much stupider and more primitive than young people. He visited a nursing home and completely changed his mind.

Hug says, “During this exercise you must listen and learn. Don’t prove your point of view and don’t make sudden conclusions.”

If you have negative preconceptions about, say, a particular religion, attend a service or talk to someone who practices it. Humility and modesty is the desire to keep the mind open to everything new.

Start with a question

Start a meeting with a person with a question, not a search for a solution. Why is this necessary?

If you ask a question, you are demonstrating that you don't know something. Thus, enter into a state of active learning. You are not trying to immediately say something, to start a topic that you know well. Instead, you show the other person that you are ready to accept new information.

Listen to people

Another tip that is very difficult to implement. And again we are talking about the ego. Why do people prefer to talk rather than listen? Because he raises self-esteem, asserts himself by uttering some words.

A modest person does not need all this. He knows that he is strong inside, so he listens with great pleasure. He understands that you can learn more with your ears, asks questions and does not interrupt.

If you're used to talking all the time, try challenging yourself to listen to people for a month. This amazing experience will open up another world. You will find that you can feel comfortable by occasionally saying a word or two and focusing entirely on what the other person is saying.

All this requires great awareness. As soon as you remember this advice, especially when you find yourself in the spotlight, give up that space to someone else and start asking him open advice. You will see that it can be real fun.

Accept failure

An immodest person will react very violently to failures, blaming others, because he does not want to lower his self-esteem (as he believes).

A humble person understands that there is nothing humiliating in accepting failure and defeat. After all, the main thing is how you react and what actions you take.

Humility and modesty will allow you to face difficult challenges without fear of failure. But if the worst happens, this is just another reason to roll up your sleeves and continue to work on yourself.

Constantly learn

Humility has another good side: humble people know they are imperfect and never stop learning. It’s not that they strive for incredible success, it’s just that this process gives them pleasure.

You can learn in absolutely any situation:

If something good happens, this is a reason to learn to rejoice from the heart.
If something bad happens, it means there is a chance to test the strength of your psyche or your ability to make decisions under pressure.
If nothing has happened and there is unbearable boredom around, then learn to entertain yourself through reflection, observation, and meditation.

We wish you good luck!

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Key words:_D1014, _D1029, 1Psychoregulation

You need to be more modest

Tell

These thoughts were brought to me by reflections on the phenomenon of such a holiday as a birthday. I don't like birthdays. More precisely, it’s not that I don’t like him – I don’t really need him. Because I like to give gifts to loved ones not when there is a reason, but when there is a gift, and you are torn to pieces with impatience and anticipation of the joy of the recipient. As well as telling those around me how wonderful they are and how urgently they are needed, I like to tell them as often as possible, and not on particularly special occasions.

Elena Litvin

I wondered why this holiday is sacred in our country and why forgetting to congratulate you on your birthday would shake the foundations of the universe? I think the reason is that it was the only day of the year when a Soviet child was allowed to feel like the center of the earth, to feel worthy of love and attention. The rest of the time he was methodical, and, what is most disgusting, it was constantly instilled in him that he was not worthy of either the first or the second.

My strongest impression of Soviet childhood is the feeling of a universally dissolved, hidden, but clearly perceptible cynical lie and meanness in everything that they tried to instill in you. When you suspect that they are taking you for a fool and are trying to sell you something frankly very second-rate, but you have no opportunity to resist it. Even admitting this is a little embarrassing - that you had a Soviet childhood, even if it wasn’t your fault, it’s still humiliating.

The more I remember and analyze all this, the more I want to write a fantastic literary text about how an experiment was set up on one fictional island, the purpose of which was to create a “man who sincerely wants nothing and for nothing.” -non-pretending” This is brilliant - such a person does not need to be forced, tortured, intimidated, motivated, encouraged - he himself does not want anything and he does not need anything. He doesn't really want anything.

____________________

My story will begin from the beginning - from the maternity hospital (we remember - yes? - that the novel is fantastic and all the names and events, blah blah blah, are fictitious and coincidences with reality are excluded). So, the newly born new islander is taken from his mother and taken to a huge room where there are dozens of such children. Whether you want to eat, whether you don’t want to eat, you’re cold, you’re not cold, you’re screaming in horror, or swollen from tears, exhausted, already lying motionless and silent - no one cares about that.

Here I will insert my childhood memories: my grandparents had a large farm. I remember very well how they fussed with the newborn calves, carefully watched how they grew, and consulted: is it possible to wean them from their mothers, or is it too early?

- It's small! And his mother will feed him, and warm him, and lick him with her tongue - that’s how she washes him. Without his mother, he could get sick and die,” his grandmother said.

After describing the grandmother tenderly stroking the calf, I will return to the maternity hospital to my little islander, who has cried to the point of hiccups, who is brought to his mother strictly during feeding and strictly every two hours, not earlier.

____________________

Then my islander is sent to the garden. At five months, because the sooner the better. The worse it is for him there, the more useful it is considered. I will describe the meaninglessness of the rituals there, and how the little islander must lie in bed, even if he does not need daytime sleep or rest, and, choking, swallow unchewed pieces of disgusting, foul-smelling food, more similar to how the digestive process ends than to where it should begin.

Then there will be a description of a meeting of experimenters from a secret society:

“It is very important, comrades, to connect the younger generation with folk wisdom from the very beginning. The child should be explained that “Life is not a holiday”, “You need to eat to live, not live to eat” - that is, it is advisable to make the process of eating as physiological as possible. No romance, table settings, beautiful dishes, original dishes: there are no trifles in our important undertaking! - the speaker, an authoritative methodologist, begins his report; he is greeted noisily, for a long time and enthusiastically while standing.

____________________

Then the islander goes to school.

“We must clearly understand that the main task of the school is to firmly cement within every growing islander the understanding of one important truth: if you feel good, something will happen, even worse than death, some unimaginable nothingness.” Recommended phrases that should be said preferably daily, or preferably several times a day: “If everyone does what they like, there will be chaos”, “There is no word “want”, there is the word “need”!”, “You never know.” you want, it doesn’t hurt to want!” These wordings must certainly be put on posters, and installed every half a kilometer along the road along which children follow to the municipal educational institution - after waiting for the roar of applause to subside, the methodologist continues to report, as soon as he takes a break to take a sip of water, the audience again bursts into applause.

Then - I’ll think about how to do it more organically - I’ll insert quotes from an article I read about the new Finnish school. Beautiful furniture, bright colors on the walls, comfortable seating areas: the designers explain the great importance of all this by saying that when a child studies in a truly cool, beautiful school that is convenient for him, he develops the understanding that he is worthy of this school and comfort. Consequently, a higher level of demands and needs is formed, and even just good taste is formed in such a child. He is motivated to achieve more in life.

— Our child does not need beautiful clothes, beautiful furniture, beautiful bright toys. Toys made from debris and bits better develop the imagination, are memorable and are remembered with great tenderness and nostalgia in retirement age! Shabby desks, dark paint on the walls: when it’s beautiful and good – it’s very, I emphasize – very! – it’s dangerous, comrades! - rushes from the podium the excited voice of a speaker who sincerely cares about his cause: taking a handkerchief from his breast pocket, he dabbed his forehead, which smoothly turns into the top of his head. “For this period, it is recommended to constantly instill in the new resident of our island that he is the preparation of a future monster. And if you don’t beat him on the wrist, the danger of a depressing future is colossal. Ideally: a growing islander should be terribly afraid of himself, and understand that every second of his existence he can become a source of terrible inconvenience and irritation for the good people around him. He himself, with impatience and requests to hurry up, must entrust himself to our wise and knowledgeable kind specialists from the department of eliminating the sense of human dignity, who amputate self-esteem without anesthesia. Reaction after a correctly performed procedure - please monitor this carefully, comrades! - the person operated on in a semi-conscious state must repeat the phrase “This is good, otherwise I don’t know what else would have grown out of me!” At the same time, it is very important to work with the parents, comrades. Parents should be explained that kisses, hugs, and sleeping together with a child are obscurantism, womanish calf tenderness and a disfigured child’s psyche. A child is not a calf, comrades! The parent should be the first to judge the child, thereby preventing him from going to waste.

On the board outside the school building is the inscription “He has never done anything humane in his life!” - and a row of photos of schoolchildren below it. Photos are changed every day, and everyone without exception is “posted” on the board of shame for public mockery at certain intervals.

- Think about it, comrades! The feeling of his own badness and the feeling of guilt and shame will not allow the islander to assume that he might be right if doubts do creep into his head. He will believe that “all people are like people”, and “only he needs more than everyone else”, that “he has everything, not like people”, and that his strange desires and needs are the result of his abnormality, which, naturally, he will try to hide it in every possible way. Therefore, it is strategically important throughout the entire period of the formation of a person who wants nothing and does not claim anything, instilling in the younger generation of islanders thoughts about the importance of public opinion: “What will people say?”, “Everyone will laugh at you!”, with a simultaneous emphasis on the insignificance of the islander’s personality - ““I” is the last letter of the alphabet!”, “You need to be more modest!” - and on his inability to decide for himself what he wants. Variants of wording can be as follows: “well, you say it!”, “Don’t be stupid!”, “I know better!”, “Are you crazy, or what?”, “Do you realize what you’re saying/doing?” Take the initiative, fantasize, formulate, that is, as they say among young people today - be creative, comrades! – the hall explodes with ecstatic clapping of hands: all those present appreciated this informality and such “tasteful self-interest” of the lecturer, testifying to the trust and tender intimacy of relationships connected by the common great cause of all those present.

____________________

And now my fictional little islander grows into a sexually mature individual. He goes to work, which he cannot stand, but, the ideal performer of any assignment, even the most absurd, not only accustomed to meaningless rituals, but forced to love them, he does not even admit it to himself.

He has no hobbies, hobbies, he does not play sports, does not listen to music, does not watch movies, does not read books or magazines, does not travel. He says that he cannot distinguish beauty from absurdity, because, just in case, everything seems absurd and funny to him. He says that the most comfortable state for him is equanimity and absolute peace. Because when something happens, it is emotions, and emotions are the danger of being ridiculed. There is no longer a need for external monitoring and punitive bodies - the islander himself jealously guards the “status quo”, reproducing new islanders without the help of inspired methodologists, by inertia, without analyzing, without thinking about the memorized phrases and formulas he repeats out of habit.

“I’m doing so well now that something terrible is probably going to happen.” I’ll get into an accident, I’ll crash, I’ll die in agony,” he complains to his random interlocutor, whom he met in a bar.

The random interlocutor turns out to be a secret auditor. He provokes the sleepy, dejected islander, saying, this is sad, this is ugly, but this is downright ugly. The islander becomes very animated and begins to wave his arms:

- How dare you! Be silent! Paws off! This is sacred, this is our everything! You see only negative! It's beautiful, and it's beautiful, and I love it! You don't need anything else!

Bursting into tears, muttering curses, the islander runs away, knocking over a chair.

The satisfied auditor, leaning back in his chair, with a sense of accomplishment, will order himself a gin and tonic, take his report from the inside pocket of his coat, and in the column “quality of work done by the island’s experimenters,” rubbing his palms and smiling contentedly, will write “Impeccable!”

Elena Litvin