In this article, I will turn a relationship with a married man inside out - the advice of a psychologist will help you put together in your head a complete picture of what is really happening between him and you. And then you will receive step-by-step instructions on how to break up with a married man, if that is what you want, of course.
I have seen this picture more than once: a girl starts a relationship with an older man, falls madly in love with him in the blink of an eye, and then, having learned the terrible truth, seeks support from her friends, but time passes, and she continues to play the role of a mistress in the relationship. And the longer she does this, the more difficult it will be for her to get out of this role.
Therefore, I hope that you opened this article for a reason, and after reading it, you will take real actions to get out of the role of a mistress. There are many options for distributing roles in the wife-husband-mistress triangle; in this article we will look at one of the most popular options. You can go straight from the content to step-by-step steps to get out of a relationship with a married man. But in order to guarantee this and never step on this rake again, first find out why you ended up in this relationship. To solve a problem, you need to know its roots. So, a relationship with a married man is advice from a psychologist.
- Step #1: Prioritize
Why does a man have a mistress?
The time of primitive people has long since sunk into oblivion. Hunting, gathering and life in caves were left behind. Now we travel through the air, communicate across thousands of kilometers and conceive children in test tubes. As monogamous creatures, we created the institution of family to provide security for our children. But primitive instincts remained at the helm. They still control us, preventing evolution from taking over.
One of the basic primitive instincts is the instinct of competition. It is expressed in a thirst for superiority over others and is more prevalent in men. This is the desire to be first, to assert oneself, to become a winner. How do men assert themselves in front of each other? Differently. For the competitive instinct, it doesn’t matter what exactly you are first at. The main thing is to gain the upper hand over others, and this will be enough to satisfy your basic needs.
The more expensive your car, the higher your position, the more yachts you have, the cooler you are than others. Everyone has different values, which is why the list is endless. But the similarity of all points is one thing - they make you a winner in an unspoken competition among men. One of the main items on this list for a man is his woman. You can tell a lot about a man by the woman next to him. A woman is the main indicator of a man’s status. The more charismatic, beautiful, well-groomed, confident, and interesting she is, the better the man standing next to her looks in the eyes of society. And if he has two or more such women, he automatically gets into the big league.
Unfortunately, in Western countries such male behavior is not condemned in society and is considered acceptable. Thus, one of the reasons that a man takes a mistress is the desire to assert himself in the market of love relationships. The presence of two women in a man means that he is a good lover, it is interesting to be with him and he is most likely self-sufficient and wealthy. He feels power in his hands. There are many more reasons, besides the desire to assert himself, why a man can have a mistress. They can be combined in one sentence: reluctance to solve problems that have arisen within the marriage, but instead looking for a solution on the outside.
Rules of a game in which you lost in advance
In the wife-husband-mistress triangle, there is a real game of survival. The man is in the most advantageous position. He draws energy from two women, and thus his chances of achieving material success double, and his social prestige and success with women grow before his eyes. He knows that at home they will iron his shirts and cook dinner, and that outside the house a beauty is waiting for him, always ready to satisfy his sexual needs.
Both women are in a kind of competition, fighting for him, which especially increases his self-confidence and gives him a feeling of superiority. The second place in this game is taken by the wife. Firstly, a man never leaves where he feels good. And please note that many wives are calm about the fact that their husbands have mistresses. They know that the husband will not go anywhere, and if something happens, he will have something to blame. Many wives admit that their sex life with their husband flared up again after the husband took a mistress. In addition, the wife always remains the dominant, main woman in a man’s life. He lives with her, doesn’t hide her from anyone, spends most of his time with her. After all, he is married to her.
And only the mistress always loses in this battle. A girl whose needs were never met as a child could potentially become a mistress. This is a girl living as a victim. So, the mistress is in a no-win situation. At first (for some it’s several months, for others it’s ten years) the girl is in thoughtless anticipation of something that will never happen. She believes and hopes that the man will leave his family for her. Often she builds these illusions on her own, despite the fact that the man has never even told her that he wants to leave his wife.
She weaves her fabric of illusions from some scraps of phrases and omissions. Reads thoughts that don't exist. Several years pass, and she already puts up with the fact that she spends all the holidays alone, and the man pays off either with flowers, or even just a text message. But there is still hope in her soul that someday they will be together. After some time, she turns into a powerless slave of his interests. Where they will meet, when they can call each other, when they will see each other again - he decides all this.
Over time, the lover will understand that she was playing a game in which she was expected to fail in advance. But the main thing is that it is not too late. If a man talks to you only in hints and does not promise anything, then you are in a game in which you lost in advance. If a man promised, fed you breakfast, but did not leave his wife for you in the first year of the relationship, then rest assured that he will never leave her.
Advice from a psychologist in relationships with a married man
The pros and cons of dating a married man
Advantages:
- If you are opposed to official marriages and generally do not want to get involved in a serious relationship at the moment, then this option may suit you well.
- You have problems in your marriage that you cannot solve, however, you are not ready to end it. In this case, a new novel can distract you from family troubles.
- You are experiencing serious financial difficulties, and your married boyfriend promises to help you solve financial problems, or you understand that this relationship will save you from at least some difficulties of this kind.
- You are unable to start an affair with a single man, it seems to you that the opposite sex is not interested in you, and a married admirer is trying in every possible way to woo you. A short relationship in this situation will help you increase your self-esteem.
- You know that your husband is dishonest with you, and you want to take revenge on him. In this case, some women decide to cheat and choose a married man, realizing in advance that they do not count on a long-term relationship with him.
Minuses:
- You may get used to your lover and want to start a family with him. The chosen one, in turn, will not be ready to destroy his marriage, which will inevitably lead you to stress.
- If you are single and your lover is married, over time you will begin to feel more and more that you are wasting time with him. While a man lives his life to the fullest, you are forced to be content with fleeting meetings.
- There is a possibility that your lover's spouse will be aware of your affair. This may turn into a big scandal for you, which your friends, colleagues or relatives may find out about. Remember that some deceived wives are very inventive in their revenge.
- Having become accustomed to a married man, you will gradually begin to torment yourself with jealousy of his wife. Instead of an easy romance, you will end up with a depressed mood and irritability.
- Your self-esteem may decrease. At first, meetings with a married man sometimes bring a certain “spiciness” to life, but gradually this too becomes boring. You will want to be the only one and loved by your chosen one. In addition, the attitude towards mistresses in society is quite ambiguous, and you will want to be in such a status less and less.
How to build such relationships correctly
Don't make a scene. As a rule, people enter into such relationships to solve some of their problems, and not to add new ones. Surely, a married man who is not completely satisfied with his relationship with his wife will not date for a long time a woman with whom not everything is going smoothly either.
Exercise caution. Over time, many lovers begin to lose their vigilance, which turns into exposure for them. If you do not want your novel to be declassified, avoid writing SMS and messages on a social network - they may be read by the wrong person. The same applies to dates - do not meet in places where acquaintances or friends can see.
Why he will never leave the family - 3 reasons
There are a great many answers to this question. Let's look at three main reasons that force a man to stay in the family:
Reason #1: Habit
He is used to living the way he lives. I got used to my wife and their existing relationship. They have common children, mutual friends and acquaintances, and a beloved dog. Their duties and areas of responsibility are distributed, and at least they are already comfortable living like this. Simply abandoning an already arranged life is a dubious idea.
Reason #2: Fear of the unknown
He does not leave his usual life for fear of the unknown. His life is already arranged, and if he wants to change everything, there is a risk of being left with nothing. How will children, friends, parents react to his decision? What if everyone turns their backs on him? Besides, he doesn’t fully know whether things would work out with him or not. After all, he never lived with you, did not share life. You can be a great lover for him, but who said you will be a good wife? And what makes you think that he will be a good husband for you? After all, you at least already know that he is prone to cheating and knows how to lie.
Reason #3: You let it happen
Why would a man change anything if you are already with him? If you initially gave him an ultimatum “choose - me or your wife,” then, of course, he would have to choose. But you yourself agreed to play the role of a mistress, thereby admitting your defeat and coming to terms with it. Of course, you may object: “But there are times when husbands leave their families and go to their mistresses!” Yes, it happens. But extremely rarely.
You should not indulge yourself with the illusion that your case is exceptional. Tell me, if a hundred people jump from the roof of a skyscraper and one of them survives by luck, would you think it is safe to jump?
How to maintain and maintain this relationship with a married man2
The complexity of relationships with a married person is clear. Since a man’s mistress is always woman No. 2 (after his wife), it is completely pointless to count on him. He spends most of his time with his wife, and what is left for his mistress is what can be found. No joint holidays, such as New Year or birthday. Always high privacy. Joint visits to public places are also severely limited.
But in most cases, a woman not only does not strive to end such relationships, but, on the contrary, tries in every possible way to preserve them, “debug” them and direct them in the direction she needs. What should she do for this and how should she behave?
- First of all, confidentiality must be maintained. The fewer people around know about this relationship, the less likely it is that the chosen one’s legal spouse will become aware of it. One can only guess how events will develop after the wife finds out about everything.
- It may happen that the husband immediately and decisively breaks up with his mistress at the request of his wife. Or, on the contrary, the wife will file for divorce, and all the negative consequences described above will fall on the man at once. In this case, there are also no guarantees that after this he will decide to build a serious and long-term relationship with his mistress.
- There is no need to put pressure on a man and demand that he get a divorce. Most often, such conversations only irritate the unfaithful husband and provoke conflicts. And even more so, ultimatums like “get a divorce or your wife will find out about everything” are absolutely excluded. This way of asking the question is a sure step towards breaking the relationship.
- It is very important to be a skillful and temperamental lover in bed. Sex in a relationship with a married man is the most important component. There is no doubt that if he stops satisfying a man, interest in his mistress will noticeably fade away.
- In the end, the desire to diversify or improve the intimate sphere of their lives is what pushes husbands into a relationship with another woman. Yes, later these relationships can develop and transform and, over time, a man can experience deeper feelings for his mistress, but it all begins, in most cases, with unsatisfied sexual needs.
- You cannot speak sharply negatively about your lover’s wife. Even if he himself often puts her in a bad light. Only the husband himself can criticize his wife. Negativity towards her from strangers can be perceived as an insult to the man himself.
- You must always keep in mind that a relationship with a married man can end at any moment. At least admit this possibility. You need to remember this in order to make the separation less painful and difficult.
How to break up with a married man - step-by-step instructions
So, your beloved man is married - what to do? Now that you know so much about dating a married man, I suggest you get into it. And if you are not ready yet, I will share a secret with you: you will never be ready for this. You will endure until the last moment, until your cup of patience overflows and bursts. But it is likely that at that moment you will already be 40 or 45, and you will not be able to remember anything about your life, except for thoughtless waiting. So make up your mind right now. Otherwise, you will close the article and live in this torment for many more years. So, how to break up with a married man, advice from a psychologist:
Step #1: Prioritize
Prioritize your life. Do you want to have a family? Children? Build relationships that turn into strong and long-term ones? So don't waste your life on a person who has all this already arranged, and tell him about it. Do it softly, subtly and carefully. Hint that you have different goals. You want family comfort and warmth. If you confidently convey this idea to your lover and stand your ground, he will hear and understand you. Show him your determination in this direction.
Step #2: Ignore
After talking about priorities, stop answering his calls and messages, and if you meet, stay calm and walk by if possible. Delete his messages without reading them and he will stop writing. Do all this without showing any emotion. There is no need to change the number or add it to the blacklist. All these actions will indicate that he means something to you. And this, in turn, will encourage him to make further attempts to contact you.
If you answer him angrily, “Don’t call me! Leave me alone! I don’t love you anymore!”, such a reaction will be perceived by a man as a game and a signal to continue the relationship. Be outwardly calm and ignore any of his attempts to continue communication. Don't trigger your memories. Do not go to his page, do not review photos and videos, do not re-read messages. The fewer things that remind you of him, the sooner you will get over it and forget.
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Step #3: Step Out of the Victim Role
If you are in a relationship with a married man, then most likely you are in the role of a victim. The victim is different in that she cannot do what she wants, she endures for a long time, instead of bending the circumstances to suit herself. She tends to wear rose-colored glasses and believe that everything will work itself out someday.
The main reasons why you could find yourself in the role of a victim and, as a result, in a relationship with a married man are self-doubt, negative beliefs about men and a lack of understanding of how to build relationships. In order for you to become self-confident, change your opinion about men and learn how to build equal relationships, I wrote for you the book “Into a happy relationship through self-love.” After reading it, you will learn to treat yourself with love, become fulfilled and whole, you will be able to change your beliefs about yourself and about men and learn to build healthy and harmonious relationships.
Through these changes, you will take the position of a woman who is able to choose whether she wants to remain in a relationship with a married man or not. You will be in control of the situation and will be able to make a decision in your favor, whatever it may be.
You can read the full description and reviews of the book, and also purchase it using the link.
Take this step seriously, it will determine whether you step on this rake again or finally begin to build a mature, healthy and harmonious relationship in which your partner will listen to your desires and satisfy them.
On one side of the scale lies fear - on the other there is always freedom!
Step #4: Let the Negativity Out
Don't store emotions inside yourself. If they don’t come out now, then it will seem to you that the feelings of the breakup are already over, and then, six months later, the emotions will come flooding in, as if you broke up yesterday. Take part in sports and free creativity. Start running or sign up for a dance class. Draw, sculpt, create! Release your emotions through physical activity or transfer them to canvas. If you feel like crying, cry. Along with your emotions, thoughts, feelings, and desires associated with your ex-man will come out of you.
Step #5: Let go of grudges
To fully get out of this painful, toxic relationship, I highly recommend you another of my articles on how to survive a breakup. It will help you not only get out of the relationship completely, but will also teach you in the future to create only healthy partnerships in which all your needs will be met. And then be sure to forgive your ex and let him go of all grievances. If you already know how to do this, great! And if not, do the forgiveness technique. It is guaranteed to take you out of stress and leave you with only warm memories of your relationship with a married man.
Advice from a psychologist for a free woman after 40.
I will try to debunk your illusions about “This is an outlet - this is possible love . Maybe! But this is far from a fact.
First. “He or she feels good with me!”
Well, yes, of course, otherwise at home, she’s in concrete hell. “I’m practically saving a person!” Yeah, damn Malibu savior. Fuck two! Would you have the opportunity to live together not for 2-3 hours in a rented house once a week, but at home 24/7 with all the problems, mood swings and pressure, calling mother-in-law and screaming young children. Then you would open up in this relationship in a new way. Would this leave you with a thrilling feeling of “Oh, I’m just flying!”?
TEST: WHAT MAN IS SUITABLE FOR ME.
Or the question “Who takes out the trash?” It will cool your trembling heart a little. In a relationship like this, you won't be able to go all the way gradually getting to know the man. Because he has his best side towards you. And the second half is addressed to the family. With you he gets pleasure and outlet, but with his wife or husband he quarrels. And you don’t know everything about him that you can usually find out in a relationship with an open partner. This is a relationship with a married man with a closed backstory.
Second. Reasons for betrayal.
Of course they will tell you about sudden love and what it’s like for the first time, and soon we will be together forever. Well, in short, pink crap. It is possible that this is possible, but most likely something similar has already happened more than once in the life of this unfinished Casanova. Therefore, if there is no dynamics in your relationship. And after a year, he still has arguments in favor of his wife and children, like: “We have to wait, she’s depressed now, or the children are taking the Unified State Exam, well, the cat will give birth soon, and the cat is in intensive care” and other, other crap. Run! This long-term construction will no longer wait for its owners. Consider the family a winner. But who needs such a Victory?
Why do you need this unreliable partner? Why do you even need a relationship with a married man? And will such a victory be the last, or the next? But this is a question of pride. Do you like to suffer? You can find a couple more assholes for yourself. By the way, for a set of some kind of drunk to save him all the time, and a bunch of losers whom you will always calm down.
