Almost every person, having entered adult and conscious life, strives to create a complete and prosperous family. And when the long-awaited wedding day passes, each of us wants to live “happily ever after.” Remember Hollywood films: heroes get married, raise children and die in old age holding hands. Well, not life, but a fairy tale. But sometimes life makes its own adjustments and reality turns to the wrong side for families. The result is a crack in the marriage and...divorce. We became interested in why people get divorced and whether it is possible to somehow avoid this unpleasant situation, so we decided to seek help from a psychologist and coach. Elene Gamayun.
The most common causes of divorce in modern families
Now people have a lot of ways to meet each other, get to know each other as closely as possible and study each other's characters and interests. However, marriages continue to fall apart. We decided to ask the expert a question about the possible reasons for divorce that people indicate in their applications. According to her, the first reason is the wrong choice of partner.
“Many people do not know how to choose the right marriage partner. In fact, many people have incorrect criteria for choosing a marriage partner. In their youth, many people motivate themselves due to hormonal background or some other factors, but when they come together, it turns out that they are completely different and completely unsuitable for each other. For this reason, many conflicts and quarrels arise.”
The second reason, according to the specialist, is loss of perceptual acuity. A woman or man who gets married relaxes, stops caring for themselves, and thereby discourages their partner’s interest. The psychologist explained that there is such a thing as an “advertising campaign,” which manifests itself at the stage of building relationships. During dates, partners try to please each other and show only their positive sides. However, after the wedding, the character of each of them emerges.
Another reason for divorce can be called upbringing itself. This aspect is much deeper. For example, daughters very often repeat the unlucky fate of their mothers and are unable to build a personal life. While men may simply be afraid of women because of grafted complexes.
The list of reasons for divorce does not end there. There may be a loss of interest in a partner, a reluctance to work on the relationship, or simple betrayal.
“As a rule, 80% of divorces occur due to the fact that the wrong partner was chosen.”
Mistakes of ex-spouses
Draw a child into your relationship by telling him that his dad abandoned him, or that his mother does not feel sorry for him. It is important to convey to the child that, despite disagreements, both parents continue to love him.
Compare your life with the life of your ex-partner. Each person needs a certain time to go through all stages of experiences. Perhaps your ex was able to do it faster. Or maybe he just hasn’t yet entered the stage of resentment or despair that you are in. Stop giving your attention to his life (this only takes energy) and direct your energy to building your future destiny.
Flaunt your new relationship to make your ex-spouse jealous. This only prolongs the experience. Even if you are destined to be together again, you need to go through all the stages of separation by letting each other go. Otherwise, lingering grievances will hold you back at the stage of eternal divorce and interfere with the creation of new relationships.
Statistics: from marriage to divorce
During a conversation with a specialist, we asked the question how long on average it takes from marriage to divorce. According to her, there really are critical dates in a relationship: 7 years, 3 years, and so on.
As a rule, people break up after such a time that they begin to understand that they are different people and are not suitable for each other. For some, this insight may occur a month after the wedding, for others as a result of the realization of betrayal. Everything here is purely individual.
The expert emphasized that those couples who have lived with each other for 15 or even 20 years are not protected from divorce. This is explained by the fact that in their youth the partners had different selection criteria, which changed greatly over time.
In addition, the economic situation also greatly influences marriage. This question is very relevant during a pandemic, when many are losing their jobs and simply cannot feed their families. Constant thoughts about money and financial problems have a destructive effect on a marriage and cause frequent conflicts in the family, and consequently lead to divorce.
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Social reasons and factors provoking divorces
Social trends and processes cannot but leave their mark on the institution of the family. And although this is not a direct influence, but an indirect one, I could not ignore it. Let's figure out what factors can provoke such a huge number of divorces.
Propaganda of childlessness
The motto of modern youth is to live one day at a time and don’t worry. Everything that does not fit into this doctrine - namely, any responsibility, hard work, moral and ethical principles - is considered harmful and destructive. We see how the idle and selfish lifestyle is idealized in films, modern literature and show business.
Naturally, there is no place for children in such a picture of the world. And childless marriages break up much more often - this is a fact confirmed by statistics. The total number of divorces is 65%.
Exaggeration of the role of sex in people's lives
Sexual stimuli today lie in wait for us everywhere - on the street, on TV, on the radio, on the Internet; the only place you can hide from them is in a kindergarten or church. Particularly “progressive” sections of society constantly strive for sexual liberation, although there is no room for liberation.
Against the backdrop of such aggressive brainwashing, married people begin to feel somewhat damaged and deprived, because marriage imposes certain restrictions on male and female libido. They begin to look with envy at their single friends and come to the conclusion that they did not have time to have fun. And having escaped to the long-awaited freedom, as a rule, they bitterly regret the broken family.
Body cult
First of all, of course, women's. The deification of girlish beauty has always taken place, but today it has acquired completely grotesque forms. It’s a paradox, but it is the fair sex themselves who suffer from this state of affairs first of all.
A woman loses her external attractiveness before a man - the birth of children leaves its mark, sadly
Closer to 40, she can no longer compete with young girls for the attention of the opposite sex, while the target audience of men, on the contrary, is expanding. Having passed his fifth decade, he can be a desirable gentleman for both a twenty-year-old and a fifty-year-old lady
When young photoshopped beauties with perfect bodies look at him from Instagram pages, he begins to critically evaluate his wife. All her services to him and the years spent together fade into the background. It is at this age that men often leave their wives and demand a divorce.
Divorce of a family with a child
If divorce cannot be avoided, how will this process affect the child? How can the child himself influence the circumstances? These are the questions asked by many couples who have decided to separate. According to the psychologist, the divorce process really becomes more complicated if there are children in the family.
“Of course it becomes more complicated, both legally and psychologically. Because here children are already involved, who at the time of their parents’ divorce receive a certain psychological trauma - the child suffers, his psyche does not understand why this happens. Plus, in the future, it will be very difficult for children to get used to their parents’ new partners and establish contact with them.”
Bargaining: You often think: “If only...”
Bargaining is about much more than trying to find ways to get him back. During the bargaining stage, you find yourself thinking, “If only…”, “I should have been…” and “What if?”
Essentially, with your thoughts you are trying to change the past or current reality.
In a sense, bargaining is an attempt to rationalize what happened. You think, “If only I had known this was happening,” “If only I had tried,” or “If only I had forced him or her to see a psychologist.” You are trying to fix what has already happened.
Bargaining can also occur in the form of revenge against the ex(s) and perhaps his or her new loved one. You hope your ex-spouse gets what he deserves. You might think, “I wish they were as miserable as I am,” or “I wish they would just get hit by a bus.”
This is also normal.
How to avoid divorce
Not every case is hopeless, so partners can try to save the relationship and refuse divorce. We asked our specialist to share ideas on how people can avoid divorce. According to her, a mutual decision to get out of this unpleasant situation is very important, because if attempts come from only one person, then it is unlikely that the divorce process will be stopped.
“As a rule, contacting a professional psychologist helps. Nowadays, couples can seek family counseling, during which specialists work first with the woman, then with the man, and then conduct couples work. Of course, there are always chances, but you need to understand that if a couple has accumulated a lot of grievances and complaints, then separate work should be carried out to eliminate all negative emotions. Without it, the prism of the relationship is greatly distorted and prevents the couple from reuniting.”
In addition, the specialist advised the spouses to always take care of themselves - it is important to control your mood, maintain a toned figure, take care of your appearance and always solve problems as they arise. This will help not only avoid divorce, but also prevent thoughts about it from arising at all.
What stages do people go through when breaking up?
Getting over a breakup isn't easy. Absolutely all people go through certain stages of separation - some faster, some longer. The website sympaty.net will tell you about each of the stages and give advice on how to cope with your feelings.
This is fine!
If you find yourself in a situation of breaking up a relationship with a loved one and you feel hard, bitter and bad from a variety of thoughts and emotions that have piled up at the same time - this is normal! Don’t think that it’s just you who are such a “nurse” and a “rag,” but somewhere there are “correct women” who easily and simply accept the end of a love relationship, without nerves and tears.
There are no “right” or strong ones - the human psyche is designed in such a way that breaking a relationship is difficult for everyone.
Moreover, this also applies to separation at an early, romantic stage, and after a long time - at the stage of a strong habit towards a partner.
A relationship is literally a drug that is difficult to quit: a narcotic substance can be called hormones released during love - endorphin, dopamine, etc.
If it suddenly turns out that their production in the same quantities is no longer relevant, then the person is really in some sense experiencing a withdrawal syndrome, “withdrawal.”
This, in principle, explains all the classic situations when “in my mind I understand that my ex is an asshole, but it’s too bad, girls, at least run back to him!”...
USEFUL INFORMATION: Responsibility for late payment of alimony
In general, the stages of separation in women and men occur in the same way, and the difference in behavior is usually explained not by gender differences in psychology, but simply by a person’s habits. Some people “eat away” stress, some turn to drink, some throw themselves into work, but the emotions are the same...
Stage 1: disagreement with reality, denial
After a love relationship, it is generally difficult for a person to believe that everything is really in the past. It seems that now he/she will come to his senses and return, that it will be possible to start from scratch, etc. If you, and not your partner, were the initiator of the breakup, then at this stage of separation you may want to forgive, close your eyes to all the reasons for which you left, call your ex-man back...
What to do?
Realize with your mind that everything is really in the past. Do everything to avoid the temptation to enter into communication with your ex - move away, overload yourself with work, take on a creative project, devote a lot of time to children and/or friends, etc. After some time (weeks or months), acceptance of the fact of separation will occur.
Stage 2: resentment and anger
After the realization of the completed break has come, a new wave of resentment towards the ex may begin to grow: “here’s an artiodactyl, he deliberately abandoned me, he’s this and that,” etc.
Sometimes you can do without anger - and this is a constructive path.
What to do? If a feeling of strong resentment has befallen you, then... experience this emotion. It’s better to be properly offended and want a bright new life without this person than to endlessly look for excuses for your ex-boyfriend and painfully regret that you couldn’t save your couple.
Stage 3: attempts to bargain
If at the stage of anger there is no clear desire to stop suffering and continue to live life to the fullest, then the stage of separation may begin, when the woman tries to bargain with herself - how to break up in such a way as to leave herself at least a little hope of returning or to provide an illusory reprieve for the final breakup.
For example, “I will communicate with him, because we have a child, and he should see that mom and dad don’t quarrel, but are friends.” Or “today is the last time I’ll spend the evening with my ex and my boyfriend, but then no, no, I’ll start making new acquaintances!”
What to do? One of two things - either no “last resorts”, or without unnecessary romance and hopes, transform your love relationship into a purely business one (for example, if you really need to communicate on issues of raising a common child).
Stage 4: despair, depression
It occurs when a person realizes that bargaining with himself and/or his former partner failed, and the separation did take place.
The psychology of depressive states is a complex matter, but if we are not talking about chronic depression, then it is important to understand that sadness will inevitably pass - this happens in both women and men! What to do? Quickly move on to the next stage!
What to do? Quickly move on to the next stage!
Stage 5: final acceptance of the breakup and striving for a new life
This is when you realize that your ex is, of course, an artiodactyl, but there are so many nice guys around! And in general, there’s a new collection in your favorite store, a friend invites you to go pole dancing, and an interesting guy wrote on Tinder...
What to do? A new hairstyle and purchasing new clothes for your wardrobe!
—Author – Dasha Blinova, website www.sympaty.net – Beautiful and Successful
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Several secrets of family happiness
And of course, where would we be without advice! We asked a psychologist to share the secrets of true family happiness, thanks to which a marriage can not only be preserved, but also bring a lot of pleasant moments into it.
“First of all, you need to learn how to resolve conflicts correctly. One way or another they will be present, because this is life. But if you learn to talk, communicate and listen to each other correctly, then serious offenses will be avoided.”
As another option, the expert suggested creating as many traditions, holidays, trips, picnics and generally pleasant moments in the family as possible, thanks to which all family members could get together and have a good time. Such moments not only bring partners closer together, but also have a positive impact on the overall perception of family life.
It is also important to monitor your intimate life, not lose emotional contact with your partner, look for common activities and interests, praise and always try to support each other. Then family life will be harmonious and truly happy.
Reasons for divorce in the statement of claim
The reasons for divorce for each couple will be individual; they are related to everyday, intimate problems, insufficient financial status, and the presence of a third party in the relationship. Divorcing a marriage is more difficult than it may seem for spouses. It is not enough to determine for yourself that you want a divorce; you also need to convince the court of this.
READ How to forget your wife after a divorce: advice from psychologists
Unions are dissolved in court in the following cases:
- the spouses have minor children;
- the issue of child custody has not been resolved;
- It is necessary to divide the property that both partners acquired during the marriage.
Household
When starting a family without first living together, many young couples may encounter a lack of understanding of each other and different views on certain everyday issues. Due to the lack of home comforts, some couples break off their relationship.
This reason for divorce is common. Among everyday problems that provoke a break in marital relations, we note:
- unfavorable living conditions;
- failure to perform household duties;
- insufficient provision;
- lack of opportunity to satisfy life's needs;
- the emergence of domestic conflicts;
- dissatisfaction in everyday matters.
intimate
The reason for the upcoming divorce is often dissatisfaction in the sexual sphere. At the first stages of a relationship, spouses are passionate about each other, they like to create romantic situations and satisfy their partner. After a while, sexual relationships begin to seem uninteresting if you do not add variety to them.
Dissatisfaction with sex life is a good reason for a quick divorce of spouses, not taking into account the fact of the presence of children. To prevent relationships from becoming insipid, you should learn something new, diversify your sex life, turn on your imagination and not be afraid to express your desires to your other half. Only with a loved one can you quickly make this a reality, maintaining interest and without putting the marriage in danger of divorce.
READ How parents can tell their child about divorce without harming them
Breaking a marriage vow or cheating
Marital infidelity is the main cause of unwanted divorces in many modern families. It is often the man who cheats, but female infidelity also occurs. Forgiving betrayal for the sake of love and children or ending a marriage due to infidelity is an individual decision for each person.
The reasons for inevitable divorces in a family can be varied, but infidelity is the main reason for going to court with a claim for divorce. Spouses can cheat due to a lack of emotional peace and a desire to diversify their sex life. Trying to understand why couples get divorced, psychologists come to the conclusion that the violation of the marriage vow gives rise to the reason.
Personal
Considering the main reasons for future divorces occurring in Russia, personal problems are highlighted. Psychologists say that families where the husband or wife was raised by only one of the parents are more likely to break up relationships. Psychological trauma that appears in the child’s subconscious makes itself felt in adulthood.
Material
The reason for divorcing your husband may be an unfavorable financial situation. Some girls marry for convenience, and after financial problems arise, they prefer to forget about their husband.
READ How to survive a divorce from a loved one: advice from a psychologist
Reasons of a material nature:
- the husband does not work, the wife provides for the family;
- husband earns little;
- the wife earns more;
- the spouse does not work, but constantly spends the family budget.
Any of the reasons will be valid for the end of the relationship and occurs often. In such cases, it is the wives who submit the application, finding a wealthier and wealthier man on their side.
Psychologists' opinions on divorce
The dissolution of a long marriage and seeking psychological help are the problems that psychologists face most often. From their experience, they came to the conclusion that the most common reasons for divorce are:
- tiredness from family life;
- desire to be free;
- fear of responsibility;
- husband's financial instability;
- cheating spouses.
READ What should a child do if his parents are getting divorced?
Some reasons lead to the dissolution of relationships, while others give spouses a chance to establish a connection and forget about all the negative aspects for the sake of preserving the marriage. If problems arise in the family, experts advise not to rush into divorce. There are various psychological techniques that, if mutually desired, can return the relationship to its previous level and allow you to continue to build a happy family life.
