Coping with a child’s whims can sometimes be oh so difficult, because a child’s character is still just developing and the child himself often does not understand why he behaves so unbearably.
First, you need to try to find out the reason for such inappropriate behavior, and only after that try to apply one or another educational technique.
Depending on the situation, parents can choose appropriate tactics and develop their own line of behavior, which will help the child learn to respond adequately to various circumstances.
Education should include different methods. The richer the pedagogical arsenal of parents, the greater the results they will be able to achieve, and at the same time they will teach their child to communicate and demonstrate human qualities (love, understanding, patience, endurance), which will help him in the development and formation of personality in society.
Causes of children's whims
A capricious child screams and cries, does not want to fulfill the request of adults, and actively expresses disagreement and dissatisfaction by all means. He can run around the room, stomp his feet and become hysterical in demonstrative behavior.
The reasons why a child becomes very moody can be different, and the behavior of adults depends on these factors.
First of all, you need to make sure that the child is safe and his health is not in danger; crying is not associated with injuries, abdominal pain, fever, etc.
Next, pay attention to yourself. If you are excited and screaming, then your condition will be passed on to a child of any age, and a child of the first three years of life will probably cry and try to attract attention to himself.
The most common reason for a preschool child's whims is being denied something (a toy, watching cartoons, etc.). If parents and other family members are inconsistent in their upbringing, then the child will have a tendency to be capricious. In this way he will achieve what he wants.
At the age of 3 - 5 years, a child’s whims are often associated with the desire to do something himself. It is necessary to provide the child with such an opportunity as much as possible, as this contributes to his development.
Small children get tired quickly. All games and activities for them are short-lived, as their attention quickly switches. If some action is delayed, the child quickly gets tired and begins to be capricious.
A little older children may say that they are tired if they do not want to comply with their parents' request. It is important to figure it out here, give the child the opportunity to rest a little or help him complete the task.
A child’s whims can be associated with boredom if he does not know how to play alone with himself, and adults do not pay him enough attention.
Find an activity for your child and play with him a little, get him interested in something. Periodically approach him and join him for a while.
A child may be capricious if he does not receive enough positive emotions (love and affection). Parents can formally take care of him, look after him, scold him, but deprive him of manifestations of tenderness and warmth.
At first, the child will demand attention by crying and whims, and in the future he may gradually get used to such relationships, which will adversely affect his development and health.
Children are smart and if you don’t know how to cope with it, you give in to whims, kids can resort to them to get what they want.
Often, through whims, a child protests against excessive care from his parents. He feels the need for self-expression, manifestations of independence (in accordance with age) and needs a certain amount of freedom.
The protest is caused by the authoritarian behavior of parents, who demand that the child fulfill their plans and complete submission, and are not interested in the opinion and desires of the child.
They should understand that a child at every age is an individual, and every year she needs more and more development and self-affirmation. Morals and demands suppress her dignity.
When raising a capricious child, authoritarian parents should recognize him as an equal, full-fledged person and learn to communicate with him on the same level. Sometimes it is worth spending a little more time on a task, but giving the child the opportunity to show independence in it (for example, dressing himself and fastening his buttons).
Children can be capricious in a variety of situations - demanding a toy in a store or not wanting to go to kindergarten. How quickly a child calms down depends on the parents.
If they can find an approach to him, are consistent in their educational actions and maintain emotional calm, then he will become uninterested in being capricious, because this will not achieve anything.
Such situations are unlikely to arise in the future. If a child is often capricious when going to kindergarten, it is necessary to find out the reason. Perhaps the child does not have good relationships with children in the group or the problem is more serious. This cannot be ignored.
What to do if a child is capricious, how to behave with him and how to raise him?
Caprice: first aid
Your precious child demands to go for a walk in November in a summer jacket. Having received a decisive refusal, he begins to cry, scream, falls to the floor and jerks his arms and legs. Does your heart bleed at the sight of a baby crying and writhing on the floor? What should I do?
First of all, calm down. Your child is healthy and safe. Nothing bad will happen to him. He will cry, scream, and then calm down. To fight whims, you must first of all show that he will not achieve anything with such behavior.
Each child, of course, needs an individual approach in this matter. Someone is cured of the whims of teasing songs, someone stops crying when they see their roaring face in the mirror. But in any case, this should not be pleasing, indulging whims.
There are also general rules for those who want to minimize vagaries.
When a child’s demand is unreasonable and harmful to him, then no matter how much he screams, cries, or stamps his feet, it cannot be fulfilled.
We must show sufficient firmness in this. If you once said that it’s impossible, then it’s impossible. Do not change your position, no matter how hysterical. Otherwise, your child will learn that by crying and screaming, you can always get your way. And, accordingly, she will cry and scream even more.
The same thing happens if one parent says “it’s possible” and the other “it’s not possible”. The child will understand that by throwing a scandal, you can get what you want.
You cannot caress and console a naughty baby. This way you are only encouraging his bad behavior. “I love and respect you, but I don’t approve of your action now,” is the main message in this situation.
“Whim represents an internal conflict between the demands of reality and the child’s own desires. In other words, when a baby is capricious, it means that he does not want or cannot, for some reason, accept the current situation, and it is difficult for him to adapt to its requirements. Why is this happening? The child’s behavior is directly related to the state of the parents and the existing relationships in the family. Adults must instill in children adaptation skills and the ability to accept existing reality. Therefore, make reasonable demands on your child, always keep your promises, and also learn together to experience feelings of resentment and annoyance due to unfulfilled desires. This requires a lot of attention, understanding and love from mom and dad! Whims are inevitable as a child grows up. They provide an opportunity to teach him something, as well as for the parent himself to learn something new,” says psychoanalyst, member of the European Confederation of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy and the Open Psychoanalytic Society Tatyana Illarionova.
How to respond to children's whims: patience
Many people ask the age-old question: “What to do with disobedience?” Imagine that this little angel, who smiles so much, is so sweet and obedient, suddenly begins to fuss, be capricious, and test your patience in the most cruel way.
It is sad that even the most intelligent and educated people, during periods of disobedience of their children, believe that this is not a general rule, but that they simply got a child with whom they cannot get along.
When a child is between 2 and 4 years old, this is the most decisive moment in his life. It is during these years that the world of desires and feelings takes shape; it is during this time that we pass on our vices to the child.
Adults do not always understand that a child gradually and persistently masters his inner world, the world of desires and possibilities. He came out of the cradle, the number of desires increased sharply, and the need to use his capabilities appeared.
New desires arise at every step, and parents increasingly use the words “no”, “don’t touch”, “move away”. But it’s difficult for a child to fight his desires, everything is so new and unusual, he so wants to taste it, touch it, take possession of it.
Parents know that the child must understand the word “no”. Adults are impatient, they forget that periods of disobedience pass, and the fight against disobedience begins precisely at the moment when nature itself demands disobedience, independence, and denial from the child.
But parents are ready to break everything: both character and nature. They don’t care about anything: they spanked me, put me in a corner, pulled me, shouted at me, threatened me with a lot of “or else”:
- Otherwise mom will leave.
- Otherwise I won’t take you with me anymore.
- Otherwise look at me.
- Otherwise I'll give it to the wolf.
As a result, the child is looking for weapons against us. First, crying, he used it shamelessly, extorted concessions, he felt and knew that his parents were afraid of crying.
Then this method stopped working. And what baby? He does not retreat, develops more sophisticated methods: whims, audacity, persistence and especially cunning. Dear parents, notice how skillfully we cultivate cunning.
The child becomes a master of cunning, with the help of which he hides his mischief. First, naive cunning develops, then clever, then insidious and, finally, evil. It all depends on the severity of the punishments that fall on the child.
Parents think that they are teaching the word “you can’t,” but in fact they are teaching a trick: “You can’t let mom know or see.”
How to react to children's whims, and what does a child need from adults during these periods of disobedience? A little attention and a lot, a lot of patience.
Remember, no matter what a child does, it is always an attempt to attract attention. No matter how old he is, he needs to be talked to, to be occupied, to be noticed.
Remember how the baby behaves - the mother was distracted for a second, and he immediately did something: “don’t forget I’m nearby, I’m here.” Parents get tired of communicating with their children not because they are annoying, but because the communication is not complete, half-assed.
We read a fairy tale, and we think about the uncooked lunch, we play and can’t wait for the game time to end. We are constantly either with the child or with our own problems, constantly distracted and trying to concentrate.
Children have a lot of energy, you need to give free rein to play and physical activity, otherwise you will not have peace. The rest of adults - freeze, the rest of children - movement.
The commonly used phrase "I'm tired, can't you see?" is perceived by the child as extortion, which he himself has resorted to more than once: “I’m tired, take me in your arms, my legs hurt.”
The child has an endless supply of physical energy, but he gets tired emotionally much faster. He gets tired not in body, but in soul, and begins to be capricious, act contrary, and destroy everything.
During these periods of disobedience, the connection with his parents weakens, he becomes aggressive and excitable. Whims and aggression follow one after another, one request after another, demands and pressure, the child extorts, knocks out what he needs.
At first, adults hold firm, but later the defense weakens and ends with: “Here, just don’t cry, just leave me alone.”
Whims appear where there is a gap, and there is no value in words and deeds. If they said no, then no. No matter how or what the child does, your task is not to please and not to back down if you have said something.
If you don’t have the strength of character to refuse your child’s request, be at least so insightful and kind as to immediately agree, and not let him practice extortion.
It is known that the Japanese are the most disciplined people, both in work and in family relationships. The paradox is that their obedience index is the highest and is 60-80%, while in other countries it is 27-30%. Children see very disciplined adults around them. Growing up, children enter their circle and also begin to value discipline.
Most parents pull their children because they themselves are not disciplined enough. The weaker your own example, the stronger the pedagogical measures and the more powerless they are. The example is replaced by harsh pedagogical measures, which is, in principle, unacceptable and impossible.
If parents lack character and patience, if it is easier to break a relationship with a child than to understand him, then what will happen to him when he grows up and goes out into independent life?
How to cope with whims: an activity for a child
Have you noticed the huge difference between the world of children and the world of adults? For kids everything is new and unexpected, for adults everything is familiar and ordinary, maybe even boring. Children are full of joy, adults are full of worries, and often tired of them.
Adults can think about something, mean something, but not say it, but only imply it, but children react directly, without subtext. This difference between adult and child logic gives rise to a misunderstanding of the problem.
What happens if you bring a child to a common denominator with adults? He is obedient, does not pester, comes only when he is called, does a lot himself (only when he learns this, I wonder?), does not go anywhere without permission, etc.
Maybe it’s convenient, but at what cost, please tell me, will such a baby develop, how will he be able to learn new things and learn this new thing? After all, we all want our children to be healthy and develop well.
They just have different laws of development than adults. When learning something new, an adult already has some experience and learning skills, he can read about a subject that interests him in a book, and he can think through a lot.
It is not for nothing that such thinking is called verbal-logical (thinking with the help of words). The baby does not have such experience; he acquires it as he develops, on his own. To understand how everything works, he needs to touch it, turn it in his hands, perhaps even break something.
This kind of thinking is called visual-effective (in order to think, you need to act), it is this that is the leading one in young children. Well, a child cannot think through everything in his mind, foresee what will happen to this or that object as a result of his actions, he is not ready for this. You still need to grow to higher types of thinking.
Please take this into account, dear adults. How many of you can do 30 pull-ups? Or run a hundred meters in 9 seconds? You can not? Why so? But Olympic champions can! But no one approaches you with their standards, and this, of course, is correct. And our usual actions for the child are like achievements of champions. Is it possible to immediately demand them from him?
When thinking about how to cope with whims, remember that a child develops according to different laws and rules. He needs to experiment, play, try and make mistakes.
But what happens then: allow him everything his heart desires? What will come of this? What a mess we will all live in!
In fact, allowing a child to do everything is the best way to raise a little tyrant. Simply, if you understand that your child needs to experiment, create suitable but safe conditions for him to do this.
Can't you take sharp objects, mom's favorite vase, dad's books? So put them away, hide them. But you can draw on paper specially designed for this, you can build from cubes or construction sets, and then destroy your works, you can tear up old newspapers and magazines. You can't play ball in your apartment, but you can certainly play ball in the yard.
Perhaps even mom or dad will lend them the items they usually use, because the baby really wants to try to do something like they do.
Maybe someone will sigh and say that they don’t have the opportunity to buy a child a lot of expensive toys, but believe me, this is not at all necessary, anything will do for the game: chestnuts collected on the street, acorns, and pieces of rags, and chairs, and all kinds of boxes, and whatever you want! Yes, of course, you need to work hard, but by organizing an interesting environment for your child, you thereby help him explore the world around him, satisfy one of his most important needs, and in the end, make life easier for yourself in some way.
Well, in fact, how would you behave if your desires were constantly prohibited, you would hear endless: “You can’t! It is forbidden!" At what point would your patience run out of “you can’t”?
Sometimes in life you can observe the behavior of a child who already knows how to walk a little with the support of adults, but who generally walks up and down his crib on his own. The child is lively, energetic and quite inquisitive, but the parents are still trying to entice him by playing with rattles, which the baby is already quite tired of.
When you try to give him a rattle, he takes it and immediately throws it out of the bed; it is of no interest to him. In search of new activities, the child begins to tug at the curtain that hangs nearby and tries to explore the window sill.
Of course, the parents don’t like this, they put him back, and everything starts all over again. The only thing that is more or less possible for the child in this case is to rock the bed and make a hum at the same time.
And even then, in the end, parents get tired of it. They try in every possible way to calm the baby down, get irritated and angry with him. But who, one wonders, is to blame for such a situation? Is it really the child himself?
Quite often, adults are perplexed: “Well, can’t he sit quietly for five minutes!” Think about whether you enjoy standing in a queue for a long time. “I can’t stand them!” - most of you will say.
While in line, your activity is limited and you feel bored. Children have a much smaller margin of safety in such situations than adults. A striking example of this can be seen quite often on the street.
A mother and child are walking, everything is fine with them, they are walking, talking peacefully, the baby is happy. Then suddenly my mother meets some friend and stops to talk to her. First, the child examines everything around, then begins to shift from foot to foot, then pulls the parent’s hand. Mom is busy having a conversation that is interesting to her, but he is bored.
Another recommendation on how to deal with a child’s whims, and what to do if the child is mischievous - organize an interesting environment for him and engage him in a variety of activities.
What can and cannot be done by adults when a child is naughty?
So, are there any specific tips on how to calm a toddler who is hysterical and uncontrollable? No matter how paradoxical it may sound, capricious children raise their parents even more than they influence them. It is important for adults to understand that during a child’s tantrum, they should never show their own irritation or aggression. Mutual negative emotions will only accumulate and intensify. Even in traditional education systems where corporal punishment is provided, there has always been a strict prohibition against spanking a child while in a state of indignation or rage. Today, it is not recommended to show even verbal aggression towards a capricious child.
When thinking about how to behave with a capricious child, it is first of all important to learn the following principle: during a child’s tantrum, it is necessary to maintain maximum composure. It is often very difficult to follow this rule. But no one promised parents that education would be a simple process. Whatever the adult is going to do, he must appear before the baby in the guise of complete calm. This is the only way to earn credibility with a capricious crybaby. Next, you should choose one of the behavioral strategies that you will have to strictly adhere to day after day.
Reasonable concessions
When planning the process of how to calm a capricious baby, you must first decide what concessions you can make. It is important to determine to what extent parents are ready to provide the child with a certain independence, in order to then limit his behavior to certain limits. This can be called a soft version of the carrot and stick strategy.
If parents can develop a rational system of concessions and restrictions, the child will gradually get used to what is allowed and what is forbidden. When a hysteria enters an active phase, it can be shown that adults are ready to make concessions, but at the same time, after preventing crying and whims, the child should immediately be presented with some restrictions. A satisfied and calmed baby will perceive them more calmly. Adults definitely need to use this illusion of the negotiation process.
Communication as equals
The best way of educational prevention of children's whims is frequent and regular communication between parents and the child. Such communication should be built on a basis of trust, occur on equal terms, without using an instructive, mentoring tone. The more often each parent talks to the baby, the less likely he will be to find a reason for hysterical attacks. At the same time, it is best to start establishing such a communicative connection from the second year of a child’s life, even if he himself cannot yet speak fully.
Parents often underestimate the communicative, conversational part of the educational process. It is believed that education is the building of a certain system of restrictions and prohibitions. In fact, education is the introduction of a child into life. And if parents want their baby to fit optimally into their lifestyle, regular conversations are essential. Unfortunately, such communication is often relegated to the background or third place, because parents are constantly busy with more important things.
Clearly establishing boundaries
Often the father and mother do not agree on how to deal with the child’s whims and act separately. One of the parents allows the child more, while the other, on the contrary, tries to establish a system of strict prohibitions. On the one hand, this leads the child into a state of bewilderment, and he does not learn to rationally explain his behavior and the actions of others. On the other hand, he learns to manipulate people, trying to get his more pliable parent to fulfill his own desires.
The most unfortunate behavior of parents is a situation in which they come into conflict with each other, arguing about whether to satisfy the child’s whim or to forbid him what he demands. Mutual claims, resentments and irritation of parents will certainly lead to whims and hysterics only intensifying. Adults must clearly define the boundaries within which they will jointly restrain the desires of their disobedient child.
Switching the energy of moodiness to creativity and physical activity
Most often, unspent energy flows into a child’s capricious behavior. In order to minimize the degree of mental stress exhibited by the baby, it is advisable to provide him with the opportunity to engage in some active activity during the day. Walking, jogging, active games in the fresh air, sports suitable for a particular child's age are the best vaccination against unreasonable capriciousness.
Creative activities are also very beneficial for the child’s psyche. You can keep your baby busy with coloring books, folding construction sets, and modeling from plasticine. In older preschool age, it is advisable to take a child to a creative school, which will have not only a developing, but also a disciplinary effect. The more energy the baby spends on active pastime, communication and creativity, the less energy he will have for whims and hysterics.
Whatever educational strategy parents choose, it is important to understand that the main responsibility lies with adults. Once you begin to implement your educational plan, you cannot abandon it halfway.
Tags:Caprice
We also recommend reading on this topic:
- A child has a tantrum before night and daytime sleep
- How to deal with a disobedient child?
- What to do if a child manipulates his parents
- Secrets of raising a son as a father
How to calm a capricious child: love and affection
A child needs love from the first days of life. Only his mother’s affectionate touches and care create a feeling of comfort and security in him.
When a child grows up and begins to walk, he also cannot do without his mother’s hugs and her affectionate voice. Tell a very small child that you love him, pet him, hug him, even if he is naughty.
This often helps calm the baby. If the child resists hugs, then do not hold him, leave him alone. For an older child, give him a kiss after he has calmed down. Don't hug him while screaming and waving your arms.
To calm a child with fussy behavior as quickly as possible, show him tender and warm feelings. Moreover, do this throughout the day, do not wait until the child has to be capricious only for the mother to sit him on her lap, kiss him and cuddle him.
It is necessary that a child grows up with the knowledge that he is loved, no matter what, simply because he exists. Next to a loving mother, children quickly calm down and from her gentle voice they forget about the cause of the whim.
After the child has calmed down, talk to him kindly. Tell him you're upset by his behavior, but you still love him and hope he behaves well. This will help the child avoid feelings of guilt and maintain positive self-esteem, as well as understand that he is good, but behaved incorrectly.
In the future, do not remind your child about the whim, then it will be less likely that he will develop a guilt complex and repeat bad behavior.
If the child is capricious and does not want to calm down and breaks out of the hug, then just sit next to him, be tolerant and friendly. If the whims do not stop, then leave the child alone in the room. Soon he will calm down and come to you himself.
What reasons make a child capricious?
From birth, a child is a blank slate and the development of his personality directly depends on the upbringing given by his parents. Any manifestations of emotions, both positive and negative, are a reflection of the internal state of the little one. The reasons why a child becomes capricious are as follows.
Physiological imbalance
At an early age, the baby is not yet aware of his feelings, so he does not always understand that the reason for his capricious mood is illness, hunger, fatigue or fever. It is the “overwhelm” of the psyche with emotions caused by a physiological imbalance in the body that becomes the cause of children’s hysterics and dejected behavior.
Family microclimate
When the baby begins to understand what is going on around and feel other people's emotions, then the reason for capricious behavior may be hidden in the information received from the outside. In other words, an unstable microclimate in the family, with constant quarrels and scandals, has a great impact on the baby. He expresses his protest with hysterics. Therefore, parents need to create an environment of love, calm and consistency. And if you really want to quarrel, then do it while the baby is away. Very often a baby becomes capricious when the family is preparing for the arrival of a new addition. To avoid conflicts in the future, it is necessary to properly prepare the older toddler for the arrival of a newborn. Read how to do this in the article “Jealousy of an older child: how to avoid it? Tips to help raise a psychologically stable personality!”
Excessive care and spoiling
Every parent wants to protect their child from all the difficulties and troubles of the outside world. We make decisions for him and protect him from the first childhood difficulties. We try to shower them with gifts, showing our love. Such actions of “blowing away specks of dust” lead to the fact that the little one does not know what independence is and is “in no hurry” to grow up. He understands that with capricious antics you can achieve whatever you want. Pampering often becomes the cause of children's tears.
Age-related changes
Psychologists say that while a child is growing up, there are periods called age crises. Usually this is three years and five years. During this period, many mothers notice drastic changes in their baby. Firstly, this happens because the child tries to assert himself in defiance of his parents; he wants more freedom and independent decisions. Secondly, the overprotection of mom and dad “stresses” him and he shows his maturity with capricious antics.
How to deal with a capricious child: switching
One way to stop a whim is to switch the child’s attention. If you notice that he is about to burst into tears and rage, then draw his attention to some object.
Show the bird outside the window, tell a little about it, offer to take a closer look: maybe it’s “magical”? If capriciousness has had time to play out in full force, then the child usually switches with interest to a new topic.
There is another way to switch a child’s attention away from negative emotions. Remind him of something that is meaningful to him, for example, suggest that he calm down and go for a walk while the sun is shining. Or ask the child not to cry yet, to postpone this matter for a while. For many children, this offer has a calming effect.
Children often become capricious when they need to get ready and get somewhere by a certain deadline. They don’t want to get dressed, they cry, they do everything slowly, and the parents’ nervousness from the rush only increases, which further aggravates the situation.
In this case, it is better to stop for a minute and try to calm the child in the usual way, in a gentle voice, and then set a faster pace, insert the words “quickly, quickly.”
If you notice that your child is about to cry, you can distract him with humorous words and tickle him. You can take him with you and tumble on the bed. Having stirred up, the child will already forget that he was going to be capricious and will join in the game with pleasure, the main thing is not to bring him to an excited state and moderate his ardor in time.
If the child is about to cry and the whim has not yet entered into full force, then you can distract his attention with quick speech. Tell him about something interesting and important. Changing the rhythms will change the child’s behavior, and he will forget that he was capricious.
Another way to distract a child from a whim is to turn to him with a request (give a newspaper to grandfather, take a scarf to grandmother, look for a house for a baby). This will occupy the child’s attention and switch him to another activity, and he will also be able to show independence.
How to deal with a child’s whims: 7 tips for parents
Many parents do not know how to react to children's whims and give free rein to their emotions. The child psychologist of the “I am a Parent” portal gives advice on how to behave for mothers and fathers when a child is naughty.
Stay calm in any situation
In any situation, try to remain calm. Don't yell at your child: find a different way to convey your point of view to him. Explain why you won't do what he wants. If the child does not respond to your arguments, wait until he calms down and can perceive your words. In order to bring your child out of hysterics, hug him tightly and hold him in your arms for some time. Tell your child that you love him even when he is angry, but it upsets you if he screams loudly and throws himself on the floor.
Be patient
It is better to wait out a hysterical attack in a public place without reacting to the child’s behavior and comments from others. If possible, carry a screaming baby into the car or out of the store onto the street. When he calms down, calmly discuss the situation with him and explain that it is unacceptable to behave this way in the presence of strangers.
Keep your word
If you said “no,” stick to this prohibition, no matter how sorry you are for your baby. Many parents are ready to allow their children anything to stop screaming. By doing this, they reinforce the child's unwanted behavior. Psychologists advise all family members to adhere to the same strategy for raising children. This will help prevent children's whims at the stage of their inception.
Use Reasonable Reasons
Try to “agree” with your child. Children over the age of four already understand the connection between their bad behavior and subsequent punishment. To do this, set clear rules for your child. For example, “if you don’t stop screaming, you’ll be left without cartoons.”
5. Redirect your child's attention
Don't punish your child for being naughty
It makes more sense to divert his attention to something else. For example, asking to find some product on the shelves or offering to carry a basket in a supermarket
The need to perform some action will help distract the child from his whims and desire to insist on his own.
Prevent children's whims
Try to prevent children's whims. Avoid situations where the child is likely to become hysterical. So, parents should not go to the store with a hungry and tired child if they do not want to cause a new outburst of emotions.
Don't leave your child alone
If a child does not make contact, you should not leave him alone in a stressful state. Excessive care of the baby in this situation is also devoid of common sense. After all, it is through their whims that children protest against parental supervision and demonstrate their desire to be independent. Therefore, continue to calmly go about your business. Then the child will know that you are always there, and your decision is final.
Actress, TV presenter and mother of three children Svetlana Koroleva told the portal “I Am a Parent” about how children’s whims are dealt with in a large family.
Ekaterina Kushnir
Take a psychological test on the portal “I am a parent” and find out whether you spoil your child.
Raising capricious children: promises
Parents should be honest with their child and always keep their promises. This reinforces their authority and arouses respect and faith in the child. It often happens that parents promise their child something (candy, toys, skiing), trying to calm him down or get him to do something.
In the future, they do not fulfill the promise, but the child remembers it. This behavior undermines the child’s trust and gradually not only ceases to work, but also alienates him from his parents. However, that's not all.
Gradually, the child understands that he can use this method himself to achieve his goal, and makes promises without fulfillment. Thus, irresponsibility settles in him, and then lack of will.
If parents use promises to reassure the child or encourage him to take some action, then they emphasize that the words they said before have less meaning. Gradually, he stops responding to ordinary appeals and requests, and with the help of whims he gets used to achieving new toys, indulgences, etc.
Sometimes parents' failure to fulfill promises is due to unforeseen circumstances. For example, a walk in the park on a weekend is postponed due to rain or someone in the family is sick.
Young children find it difficult to accept such situations, and they develop a feeling of deception. If this is repeated, the trust and authority of the parents are fundamentally undermined.
Try to explain to your child the reason for not keeping a promise and try to keep your word in the near future. Never make unrealistic promises. Learn other ways to calm a fussy child.
Don't demand promises from your child either. It is unlikely that he will keep his word “always behave well”, “never cry” for a variety of circumstances. The child can repeat the words after you, but cannot be held responsible for them. He will transfer the resulting uncertainty to his parents, stop trusting them, and he needs confidence in them and faith in himself.
The situation is even worse when one family member promises something to the child in exchange for stopping the whims, and the other does not agree and forbids him to fulfill the promise.
The child develops a state of duality and develops psychological problems. He has to resort to cunning and adapt in order to achieve what he promised and please everyone.
How to raise capricious children: encouragement
A child needs encouragement to develop and develop good habits. Parents' praise means a lot to him and affects his self-esteem. Children whose parents praise them for good deeds develop better, are more sociable, and are less capricious.
Praising good behavior has a greater impact on a child than punishing bad behavior.
Many parents themselves received insufficient praise in childhood and do not know how to express it to their child. Meanwhile, this is the best way to instill in a child norms of behavior and encourage him to study. In order for praise to be effective, certain conditions must be met.
- Praise your child for specific actions. For example, tell him thank you for helping him clean the room and quickly collecting his toys. The child will develop a connection between actions and praise in his mind.
- Praise your child on your behalf, saying “I” and “me.” Do this sincerely, turning your face to the child, and so that he understands what he did well. You can sit next to him to be on the same level. Avoid expressing words of encouragement while in another room or while concentrating on something.
- Express praise in a joyful and cheerful voice so that the child understands that “Well done!” If you do this with notes of dissatisfaction or fatigue, then the child will be left with an ambivalent impression. Moreover, after praising, you should not remember that the child was once capricious, did not act as he should, was naughty, etc. It is better to have it fixed in his mind as to how to do it. If you are tired, then find the strength to cheer yourself up and really praise your child.
- For children, especially young ones, physical contact with their parents is of great importance. After praising, hug the child and press him lightly to you. Children so often lack this, and for many of them, mother's hugs will be the best reward for good behavior.
- Never put off praising your child for later, do it right away so that the child immediately understands why you are praising him and how to behave further.
Ignore your child's whims and bad behavior. Don't tell anyone about them in his presence.
Otherwise, the child may perceive such attention to him as an encouragement to action and will be capricious again.
By praising him as he deserves and not noticing his mistakes and mischief, you are more likely to get good behavior from him. It is not always easy for parents to adhere to such tactics, but it pays off. Consistency in your behavior only helps in education.
But it is precisely these children who need praise. Even if made in the form of an advance, it will help them overcome uncertainty, suspiciousness and contribute to the acquisition of new knowledge and skills.
If your child often acts out in order to get a toy, then don’t give in to them. And what you want can be given to the child as a reward for a good deed, for successful studies, etc.
Don't get carried away with gifts so that they retain their true value and do not cause your child to constantly wait for everyday activities.
How to wean a child from whims: prohibitions
In the process of development, every child faces prohibitions. He is still small, and his parents forbid him something for his own safety, for educational purposes, and for various other reasons.
It is important to clearly explain to the child the reason for the prohibition (it is impossible because this is healthier for children, this is more suitable for children, you will do better this way...). All family members must be consistent in their prohibitions.
If dad said “no,” then mom should have the same opinion. You should not give in to the child’s whims and make concessions.
Situations are often repeated when a child asks his parents to buy a toy in a store and begins to be capricious if refused, or even throws a tantrum. You need to remain calm and self-possessed and not succumb to provocation.
Explain to your child clearly why you cannot fulfill his request. Maybe you spent all your money on food and medicine, or maybe your child already has a similar toy.
Avoid excuses “because, because”, “I say no, that means no”, etc. They can be heard from parents who are too lazy to think seriously about the child; they do not perceive him as a full-fledged person, since they themselves have not yet matured psychologically .
These words undermine the child's trust and separate him from him. He may stop being capricious due to his angry tone, but in the future he will stop asking you questions and won’t talk about himself.
Meanwhile, harmony and mutual understanding are important in the family, so relationships must be protected. An explanation of the prohibition that is clear to the child will help him calm down and maintain trust. Next time he will be less capricious and learn to calmly respond to reasonable “no” and “no”.
Those parents who themselves experienced limitations in childhood often give in to their children’s whims. The child's connivance and joy compensate for their own past deprivations.
Of course, a child should have joy and everything cannot just be prohibited, however, it should be allowed in moderation, if it does not contradict the general principles of education and does not cause harm.
If a child is in an environment of complete prohibitions, then he will have a violent protest against this situation, and whims will not only not decrease, but will also turn into more serious psychological problems.
You cannot pamper a child and indulge all his whims, and at the same time it is necessary to preserve his desire to receive, do, master something.
Pay attention to the child’s requests, maybe he really needs some thing, a new toy will be useful for development, and doing it yourself will help develop a skill in the right task.
Don't create ambiguous situations for him. If, for obvious reasons, you refused to buy a toy for your child, then do not give in to persuasion while walking into the store and just look at it. Then he will know for sure that he will not achieve anything by whims, and your word will be significant for him.
When telling your child “no”, offer another action that will distract and satisfy the baby. For example, you cannot torture a cat, but you can pour milk into its bowl; You can’t eat a lot of sweets, but you can eat an apple or a pear.
Prevention of whims in children
It is quite possible to avoid or minimize the frequency of whims, hysterical attacks, and nervous disorders if you adhere to a few simple rules:
- Make sure that the child gets plenty of rest and follows routine routines;
- the baby should not be overtired;
- Show respect for the child’s leisure time and his games. Sufficient time must be allocated for all this;
- spend more time with your baby;
- try to provide a positive atmosphere in the family. The child should not witness quarrels or conflicts between parents or other family members;
- often tell and demonstrate to your child that you love him;
- Talk to your child about his feelings. This technique will help the baby learn over time to understand his own feelings and choose words to explain them. For example, “You are upset because your favorite toy is broken,” “You are angry because your brother broke your cup,” etc.;
- Give your child the right to choose. For example, let him decide: to wear a baseball cap or a Panama hat, what toy to take with him outside, eat porridge with berries or milk, etc.;
- There is no need to do for the child what he is already able to handle on his own. Involve him in household chores, but only in a playful way, ask for help. This technique will show the baby that he is already big enough to cope with difficulties;
- If there is no choice as such, then discuss upcoming plans with your child. For example, “Now we’ll go to the store, and then we’ll go for a walk to the playground”;
- try to prevent tantrums as quickly as possible by catching their first signs. Remember that such attacks signal a strong internal conflict in the baby’s soul. If you can’t come to an agreement with your child, then try to switch his attention, ask him to find something or look at something interesting, etc.
It is important to understand that whims in children are a passing phenomenon, which, with the right approach of sensible parents, disappears from the life of the family completely without a trace. You should show understanding and sympathy for your beloved child during a difficult period for him, and, what is very important, promptly define the boundaries of acceptable behavior.
Tokareva Larisa, pediatrician, medical columnist
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