To fully raise a harmoniously developed person, coordinated actions of both mother and father are necessary. But what to do if the son has no father, the family has broken up and this concern falls entirely on the mother’s shoulders? In this case, it is especially difficult to raise a real man from a boy, capable of taking responsibility for his words and actions. Using the advice of psychologists, we will try to understand this issue.
- 2 Harmonious upbringing without a father: recommendations from psychologists
2.1 Rule one - find him a worthy role model, especially if the son is already a teenager - 2.2 Rule two - do not devalue what your son considers important
- 2.3 Rule three - watch your own attitude towards difficulties
- 2.4 Fourth - without freedom a boy will not become a real man
- 2.5 Fifth - get rid of gender stereotypes in everyday life
- 2.6 Sixth - motivate your son to make decisions on his own
- 2.7 And seventh - be your child’s friend, not a judge
- 2.8 Video: advice from psychologist Marina Romanenko on raising a son in a family without a father
What techniques will contribute to this?
But the process of raising a little man is long and complex. In order to start and complete it successfully, you need to own special tools.
Communication with men
A boy needs it at any age. But especially from 3 years old. The mother must provide the baby with the opportunity for such communication.
The following options are suitable for this:
- Enroll the boy in the sports section. And it’s better if it turns out to be a men’s sport: boxing, wrestling. The child will communicate with the same little men and a trainer 3 times a week.
- Allow you to invite classmates and friends from the yard to the apartment. Let them discuss their problems under the unspoken control of their mother.
- Provide meetings with older male relatives. These could be uncles, grandfathers. Simple communication will teach a boy the basics of masculine behavior.
But at the same time, the men with whom the child communicates must be worthy members of society.
Emphasis on masculine behavior
The boy does not yet know how a man will behave in a given situation. And mom knows. And she is required to explain this to her son. When walking together, you should pay the child’s attention to how:
- a stranger carries his wife's bags;
- an unfamiliar gentleman lets a woman onto the bus and supports her by the elbow;
- a young man gives flowers to a girl.
The young man protects the baby from bullies - also a masculine act. The mother should discuss this action in detail with her son.
Praise for the “little man”
Education is impossible without encouragement. Every positive action should be rewarded. And don’t be afraid of kisses and hugs: a real man appreciates affection.
Basic mother mistakes
Single parents make a lot of mistakes, often without realizing it. They are trying to compensate for the child’s lack of care and solve their own psychological problems. This is a dead end path that will affect the fate of the young man. The mistakes described below should be avoided.
Excessive concern
In this case, the woman literally smothers her child with love and care. There is no need to do this. The company of a parent is quite enough if compensation comes from outside. For example, in the form of communication with other worthy, decent adults. Excessive care will make a son or daughter infantile and weak-willed. They will not take the initiative and will continue to count on care. Including in adulthood. Although this will take completely different forms: dependency, uncertainty and attempts to shift responsibility for one’s own life onto others.
Lack of caring
The other extreme. Lack of sufficient care will have the opposite effect. The child will not respect his mother, will not listen to her, and at the first opportunity will begin to isolate himself, without regard to his parents. You won’t notice this in the first years, but everything becomes clear closer to adolescence. When it's time to reap the benefits.
Instilling a guilt complex, inferiority
We are talking about those mothers who do this unconsciously. Because manipulations cannot be considered mistakes. Basically, the problem is inherent in divorced women moving away from an unsuccessful marriage. Why is this happening? The mother unwittingly extrapolates responsibility for her choice onto the child. He resembles a father with whom his relationship is hopelessly damaged. This is a disastrous path. Because the child will grow up insecure, fearful, or, on the contrary, aggressive, withdrawn. In any case, at a minimum, his personal life will not work out or he will completely abandon it. And most likely, there will be problems at the level of simple everyday communication, basic communication.
Excessive severity
It does not benefit children, this has been repeatedly proven by psychologists and psychotherapists. Moreover, many serial killers and maniacs were raised by too strict mothers, without fathers. This is very significant. Excessive severity destroys the psyche, forces you to reconsider priorities and personal boundaries, and creates false images of morality and worldview.
Isolation from communication with a person who could become a role model
For a boy, this is an adult man who can become an example. For a girl, the model is the mother herself. A man acts as a kind of guide for the future. Interesting fact: girls who were raised without fathers often cannot arrange their personal lives due to their own psychological problems.
Attempts to raise a boy to be a “real man”
Society puts completely different qualities into this concept than the mother understands. For society, a real man is a convenient, profitable tool who will do what he is told without any questions. The mother’s task is to raise not a real man, not an ersatz or a toy of the system, but a human being. Without regard to the stereotypes of society and common speech cliches and images.
Demonization of the father's image
As a rule, it is not customary to remember a former spouse with a kind word. A variety of epithets are used. In fact, this is an extremely destructive practice. Firstly, the child develops an inferiority complex and guilt. Since I was/was born from such a person, I am the same and do not have the right to live normally. Secondly, the idea of family is distorted. The logic is simple: my parents divorced with scandal, my mother is unhappy, I myself am unhappy, which means family is something bad.
Distortion of the idea of family
Trying to raise a child without a father, mothers make almost all of these mistakes at once. As a result, the circle closes: the child cannot build a normal family and raise his children. Or he’s not going to do it at all.
What is the problem of education if the boy does not have a father?
Worth getting better: a worthy father. A worthy father will also participate in raising the boy in the event of a divorce. He will be there in difficult times for the child and will help. Until the age of three, the baby is in dire need of his mother's help and care. But then he needs a man. It is with him that he wants to go to kindergarten and for walks. And it is his behavior that will begin to be copied. And if there is no such man nearby, then discomfort arises. Mom is no longer needed, but there is no one to replace her.
What can harm a child?
When raising a real man yourself, you should avoid common mistakes.
Powerful maternal care
Everyone knows the saying: the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Of course, the baby requires care. But he also needs independence. All people want to learn exclusively from their own mistakes. And boys are no exception. Don't be upset if:
- the son received a bad mark due to an unlearned lesson: he will draw a conclusion and become more diligent;
- caught a cold because of a scarf forgotten at home (he will sit at home and think how fun his friends are playing on the street, and he is forced to get treatment);
- I hurt myself on the slide (be more careful in future).
You can constantly repeat that you need to study lessons every day, but you need to create motivation. A two is not only a bad grade, but also the state of knowledge at the moment. And insufficient knowledge will not allow you to succeed in life.
Feeling sorry for yourself and the child
This is completely inappropriate. The boy has a loving mother, and she has a caring and gentle son. And what does pity have to do with it? The absence of a father in the family is not a death sentence or a guarantee of misfortune. It's just a feature of life.
Condemnation and anger at the father
Poor dad should not be judged, but should be pitied. He lost (of his own free will) communication with such a wonderful child. Well, let him live as best he can. And the boy is not responsible for his father’s actions. And even if the mother sees some random coincidence between her son’s behavior and the actions of her ex-husband, she should not immediately blame the child for this similarity. This way the mother will only push the boy away from her.
Woman tries to replace her father
A common mistake. Mom should always remain a woman. You shouldn’t take your son to football, just take him to the sports club.
It is much more important to become a friend to your child: a little man should know that all his problems will be heard and solved.
Typical mistakes of single mothers that prevent them from raising their sons
Motherhood is never an easy task. Everyone faces difficulties - both those who have a pedagogical education and those who consider advice on raising children far-fetched and unnecessary.
However, it is especially difficult for independent mothers of boys, deprived of the support of the child’s father, to find the right way to raise their son. Becoming a parent whom a child trusts and at the same time an authority for him requires effort. Of course, it is not without mistakes.
Raised voice education. It happens that an independent mother, forced to bear responsibility for the whole family, begins to simply “take it out” on the child. This, of course, does not lead to anything good.
As children grow older, they understand perfectly well that those who scream all the time are admitting their own helplessness. It will not be possible to instill in a boy such character traits as determination, calmness and self-confidence.
By raising your voice at your son, you can achieve a reaction of ignoring the mother’s words
Excessive aggression towards a child . This includes corporal punishment and restrictions on the son’s walking or playing for the slightest offense. Ultimately, this method of education leads to embitterment of the child.
A boy may grow up to be cruel, cunning, and certainly not trust his mother or show her his love. Behind such manifestations of harsh upbringing usually lies banal aggression or inability to conduct a dialogue with the child.
Most psychologists agree on one thing - corporal punishment does not reveal the best character traits in a child.
Giving up personal life as a sacrifice on the altar of motherhood. There are times when a mother devotes herself so much to her son that she completely abandons the arrangement of her personal life. Such mothers try to become their children's best friends, often allow the boy to sleep in the same bed with them and spend all their free time with the child.
Emotional fusion with a son can lead to his lack of independence in adulthood
A common mistake that single mothers make is that they decide to devote their lives to their child, and then, naturally, expect mutual return. The child does not need these sacrifices. You shouldn’t forget about your personal happiness and give up on your own life.
Psychologist Ekaterina Khlomova
https://deti.mail.ru/article/kak-vospityvat-malchika-bez-otca-13-pravil/
Excessive care and indulgence of every desire. By removing every pebble and every obstacle from her beloved child’s life path, the mother risks ultimately raising a pampered darling who is incapable of anything. Such a mama's boy will be dependent on her all his life and will not be able to become a person capable of being responsible for his own family.
How to make life easier for yourself and your children?
A single mother should understand: life with her son without a dad should be happy. Only in a calm and friendly environment will a real man grow up.
Accept the situation
Yes, it so happened: the boy’s father lives separately. But is this so catastrophic? Would it be more useful for mother and child:
- constant dissatisfaction with the ex-husband;
- quarreling;
- drunkenness;
- concealing money;
- endless lies.
Isn't it better to have a quiet life together?
Take care of yourself
It's time to start taking care of yourself. A little man must understand: a woman can be a tender mother, an excellent housewife, the only breadwinner, but at the same time she needs to visit a cosmetologist, a hairdresser, and meet with friends. If a mother meets a worthy man, the son will only be happy for her and will willingly accept his stepfather into the family.
Cultivate respect for your child's dad
Yes, my son needs a legend. Ordinary people constantly laugh at how women invent polar explorer fathers for their children, hero-pilots who died while performing a particularly dangerous mission. But it works! And if the boy’s father is a worthy person, but communication is interrupted for objective reasons, you should find the right words and explain this to the child.
Talk to your son, listen to him
The boy should know: his mother will always listen to his stories about everyday affairs, sympathize and give some advice. And there are no inconvenient hours for an intimate conversation. If a woman once or twice refuses to talk to her son or laughs at his problems, he will find someone to share with . But where is the guarantee that this will be a worthy person?
Stay mom
It is not simple. Mommy has to perform too many functions now. It’s tempting to forget that mom will scold you and regret it. I want to shout and order. And a little man needs affection. He doesn't mind kisses and hugs at all (when no one is looking). And a kind word will warm and comfort you.
Taking care of mom
Women often forget about themselves while raising children without a husband. Of course, it is difficult to raise a boy without a father, and a girl too. But try not to live as a child, take care of yourself. You can honestly tell your son that mom is tired, so she will sleep for an hour and he needs to play alone. You may not buy the tenth car because mom wanted something for herself. The child must understand these things and appreciate his mother. If you instill empathy for you in your baby from childhood, then you will receive a loyal friend, care and protection, and not an adult guy on your mother’s neck.
His attitude towards you is his attitude towards his future wife. If you want your son to have a happy family, teach him to take on housework, respect other people’s work, sympathize and care. If conditions allow and the child shows a desire, you can get a pet and entrust your son with caring for it due to his age abilities. Walking with a puppy early on Sunday morning will teach you to understand that there is not only pleasure in playing with your pet, but also responsibility for it.
