Good girl syndrome in psychology - how to get rid of it

Causes

The reason for the development of the syndrome is a destructive family upbringing, in which the girl was constantly reproached and tried to remake her. Examples of phrases that destroy a child’s personality:

“Don’t scream, you’re a girl”;
“Be an obedient girl, mother’s pride”;
“Don’t argue, you’re a girl”;
“We need to think about studying, not about boys”;
“So what, if you don’t like it, you’ll put up with it and fall in love with it.”

Gradually, the girl gets used to being the way they want her to be, and not the way she really is. All this in order to earn recognition, love and praise from your mother. More than anything, a good girl is afraid of disappointing her mother, of being punished and rejected. The girl tries to be the best and first, ideal in everything. These fears are the root of many of a woman’s destructive beliefs.

Other causes of good girl syndrome:

Biological predisposition. American psychologists have found that women are naturally more inclined to endure and wait. Men are guided by the “flight or fight” principle; female hormones expand the boundaries of behavior.
Social stereotypes. There is still a strong belief in society that a woman should be obedient, meek, and patient. And the beauty industry also instills a sea of complexes, forcing girls from an early age to strive for an imaginary ideal and to remake themselves.
An example of a mother. The good girl syndrome is formed by the example of the spinelessness of the mother. If the mother was weak and weak-willed, subjected to the tyranny of her father, then the daughter will grow up to be a victim.
Both parents are narcissists and tyrants. Such people do not know how to love and do not pay attention to other people's interests. They are trying to live their life again through the child, to create a better copy of themselves. This is a pathology, but the child does not understand this, and therefore continues to wait and hope, trying to earn love.

Why an adult “good child” is convenient for everyone, but not for himself

Parents tell the girl what to say and how to act. They make her comfortable. The habit of pleasing other people lasts a lifetime. At work, in her personal life, in relationships with friends, a good girl tries to be correct. For this, she sacrifices herself, renounces her interests, suppresses her feelings, emotions and needs.

A good girl is afraid to speak her mind. She doesn’t know how to refuse, can’t stand criticism and is afraid of being judged. A woman with good girl syndrome lives for others, pleases others, but at the same time remains dissatisfied herself. She constantly argues with herself, criticizes herself. Therefore, it turns out that such girls are convenient for everyone, but not for themselves.

Important! A good girl understands that her thinking is hindering her own development, but she cannot cope with it. This makes her hate herself even more.

Say goodbye to the "good girl" syndrome

How many times have we been told to be a “good girl” or a “good boy”? From early childhood, all we heard was that we had to be obedient, stick to the rules, be quiet and think about others more than ourselves.

Undoubtedly, the “good girl syndrome” is more common among women, but often among men there are those for whom the label “nice guy” ruins their lives.

Do you suffer from the good girl/good guy syndrome?

Are you worried about offending or disturbing others?
Do you take pride in being caring and helpful (even when it's completely inconvenient for you)?
As a child, were you called a “good girl” or a “good boy”?
Are you a perfectionist or a “Stakhanovite”?
Do you have to finish all your work before you allow yourself to rest?
Do you find it difficult to speak up for yourself or ask for what you want?
Do you strictly adhere to the rules (even minor ones, such as: never be late, never cross the street in the wrong place, etc.)?
Do you try to please everyone because you don't like conflict and are afraid of hurting others' feelings?
Do you crave predictability and are nervous about unexpected changes?
Are you hyper-responsible? Do you need to organize, track and plan everything yourself?
Do you have anything in common with Hermione from Harry Potter?

Is being good bad?

Of course, it would be great to make everyone around happy. But everything is a little more complicated. Here's what it says in The Perfectionist's Guide in the chapter about people who want to please everyone:

“Many of us are taught to be nice and compassionate, to care about other people's feelings and to help them in times of need. These are wonderful qualities. The problem is that when our self-worth depends on how we make people happy, we constantly compromise our own needs to please others, and often care more about other people's opinions and values than our own."

Constantly putting other people's needs before your own is not a strong position. We must take care of ourselves - and this requires legitimizing our own needs, sometimes saying “no”. Essentially, if you give and give and give, you will have nothing left for yourself and you will end up sick, exhausted and resentful.

The good girl role forces us to give in and be comfortable.

Another problem is that this role imposes severe restrictions. It doesn't allow us to be fully ourselves.

And in the role of a good girl or a good guy, we feel safe. We think it protects us from criticism, rejection, conflict and failure. And it's true: when we act like little people and do what others want us to do, we are less likely to be criticized, rejected, or fail. But we limit ourselves catastrophically.

We don't allow ourselves to try anything new (especially something that we might fail at or that others won't like).

We remain silent when we are treated poorly or our opinion differs from others.

We end up doing many things out of a sense of duty, to meet expectations, or because it supposedly aligns with our goals.

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect and good all the time. And when we fail (which is inevitable because our expectations are unrealistic), we criticize ourselves mercilessly.

The good girl role forces us to conform and give up important parts of ourselves (ideas, beliefs, goals, interests, values).

We live in fear of judgment—fear of not being good enough, fear of being wrong, fear of rejection.

How to get rid of the good girl syndrome?

Much of what we do and think is based on unconscious beliefs and ingrained behavior patterns. This is why awareness is so important in the process of change. If you want to change something about yourself, you need to be aware of what you are doing and why you are doing it - not to beat yourself up, but to explore different ways of thinking and acting.

When you find yourself playing the “good girl” or “nice guy,” ask yourself some of these questions to see if you can find alternatives and make choices that allow you to be more yourself:

Is this what I want?
Am I being true to myself?
Am I doing this out of a sense of duty or out of choice?
What do I want?
How much energy do I want to put into his/her opinion of me?
What feels right to me?
Can I politely express my opinion?
Can I calmly bear it when someone is dissatisfied or offended by me?
What happens if you reduce control?
Do I see any benefits to having more fun and taking risks?
Will people hate me, put me down, and disown me if I stand my ground—maybe I'm just imagining the worst?
Can I keep in mind that conflict is normal, and, as a rule, not a disaster at all.
Do I want to be around people who don't value me for who I am?
What will happen if all my life I play the “good girl” or the “good guy”?
Is it okay that I do something for myself?
Should I earn my self-worth by helping and pleasing other people?
How can I be kind to myself in this situation?
What do I believe? What is important to me?

Taking more risks, setting more boundaries, and prioritizing will not change you from a good girl to a selfish, inconsiderate rebel. With awareness, practice and the intention to know yourself better, to be more compassionate with yourself, you will gradually move from this predetermined, rigid good girl role to a more alive, authentic and emotionally healthy version of YOURSELF.

Website: www.psiblog.rf

Original article: Sharon Martin— Say Good Riddance to “Good Girl Syndrome”, March 2019

Translation: Ostrenko Anna Alexandrovna

Editors: Simonov Vyacheslav Mikhailovich, Shipilina Elena Ivanovna

Image source: foter.com

Key words: psychotherapy, family psychology, self-development, self-limiting beliefs, mindfulness, behavioral patterns

Available for download:

220319 Say goodbye to good girl syndrome

Who's at risk

Children from authoritarian families are at risk. Or from families where one or both parents had some kind of disorder, such as narcissism. A lack of unconditional parental love, criticism and suppression is what leads to the formation of the good girl syndrome or the good boy syndrome.

Symptoms

A woman with good girl syndrome tries to please everyone, to always be discreet and friendly. Moreover, this applies not only to friends and relatives, but also to random passers-by. If trouble happens, a conflict or misunderstanding arises, then the girl blames herself for everything. She considers herself unworthy and is sure that happiness, attention and love must be earned. She does not know how to do something for herself, to pamper herself, to please herself.

Other symptoms of good girl syndrome:

diffidence;
self-dislike;
denial of one's femininity and sexuality;
numerous fears;
dependence on other people's opinions, stereotypes, rules;
intolerance of criticism;
fear of offending someone;
tendency to justify others and blame oneself;
the habit of tolerating and waiting for an unpleasant situation or problem to resolve itself.

Note! A woman with good girl syndrome tolerates a lot and keeps silent. Sometimes this ends in failure, which makes the good girl hate herself even more.

How to get rid of the good girl syndrome: my tips

To get rid of the good girl syndrome, it is important that the girl herself recognizes the problem and decides to seek help from psychology. It is necessary to realize that with her own hands she is depriving herself of freedom and choice. What to do? Stop being comfortable and good, take people off your neck and learn to live for yourself.

How to get rid of the good girl syndrome, advice from psychology:

Increase self-esteem and develop a sense of self-worth. You will not become selfish if you learn to live for yourself, according to your desires and interests. This doesn't mean you should ignore other people's opinions, but you shouldn't always listen to them. If we are talking about something that concerns only you, on which your happiness and harmony depend, then you need to listen only to yourself.
Cut the mental umbilical cord with your parents. You don't have to live to please them, make their dreams come true, or be their source of pride. If they are not ready to let go of their child, then this is their problem and trauma. Healthy people understand that each person's life and path are unique, and only he can decide what he wants to be.
Avoid grading. You are not good or bad, you are you. Your parents have taught you that you are not worthy of love just like that. But in fact, every person is beautiful and worthy of happiness. Get to know yourself, take psychological tests to determine your personality type and temperament, write down your desires (remember what you once dreamed of before you were convinced that it was bad), study your abilities.
Pay attention to yourself every day, fulfill your desires and take care of yourself, give compliments and praise yourself. Stop expecting this from your parents or other people, they are incapable of this. Start setting aside time for yourself with 10 minutes a day, gradually increasing the interval. Think about what you want to do right now and what you want to do in life in general.
Learn to accept your mistakes and see them as opportunities for growth. Instead of blaming yourself and going into self-flagellation, think about what you need to do differently to get a different result. And try it again.
Learn to express your emotions, especially negative ones. This does not mean that you need to shout or insult someone. Just talk through what and why you are experiencing, what you don’t like, what you want. Use the technique of I-statements, they are built according to the following scheme: “I feel this, when this happens, I would like this.” For example: “I feel lonely and unnecessary when I am alone at home on the weekend, I would like to spend more time together. It's important for me. Please, let's figure out how to fix this."
Learn to say no, take more risks, and set more boundaries. It's only hard the first couple of times. Whenever you are in doubt about what to do, ask yourself: “Is this in my interests, consistent with my goals, will it help me in the future?” If not, then feel free to refuse. People around them love to “ride” good girls. Yes, you will face negativity. But this will show who is next to you: friends or those who are used to using you.
Don't give in to guilt and fears. You can't argue with your boss because you're afraid of losing your job. You can't argue with your lover or friend because you're afraid of being alone. But look at other people. They refuse, object, defend their opinion and still have everything they need to be happy. You can do this too. By practicing all the above tips, you will become more and more beautiful every day.

Do not try to act contrary to other people, to act in the opposite direction. Analyze every act and action regarding how beneficial it is for you. Perhaps sometimes you will agree with other people on something. There may be something about yourself that you don’t want to change. If you protest for the sake of protesting, you will not become any happier; you will still be in the grip of the past.

Note! The longer a woman lived according to her parents’ scenario, the more firmly she got used to the role. Most good girls don't understand themselves. Therefore, it is recommended not to self-medicate, but to consult a psychologist.

Application of system-vector psychology

In system-vector psychology, people with good girl syndrome belong to the visual-anal bundle of vectors. In Yuri Burlan’s theory, vectors mean desires and personality traits that control human behavior, his values and priorities.

The visual-anal ligament is a contradictory combination. To understand the specifics, it is necessary to consider the characteristics of both components:

Anal. The main features are care, loyalty, constancy. Such women make ideal wives and housewives. They sacrifice everything for the happiness of their husband, their children, and loved ones. This is a rigid and touchy type who remembers grievances for a long time and is afraid of change. However, at the same time, women of the anal type want to be significant and respected. This contradiction results in a feeling of helplessness and dissatisfaction.
Visual. The main features are lightness, beauty, coquetry. These are emotional people who know how to attract attention and enjoy it. But for a woman of the anal type, this is shameful. Hence a new conflict.

In order to get rid of the good girl syndrome, you need to reconcile these vectors within yourself, find a balance, and resolve the contradiction. How to do it? Develop both vectors. The more developed each of them is, the less contradiction there is. This means that you need to accept yourself and learn to manage the “light” and “dark” sides of your personality. Allow yourself to be both an exemplary housewife and a playful girl.

The "good girl" syndrome. How to stop being “good” to everyone?

For an adult woman, the habit of treating everyone with understanding, meeting everyone halfway and forgiving everyone is a source of problems. It's worth getting rid of. But how can you eradicate from yourself the mentality of sacrifice that has been built up over the years?

Good boy superpower

Guessing the wishes of others is the superpower of all good girls. You just need to look at a relative, friend or colleague to guess his condition, his desire. A useful ability if you don’t immediately rush to perform it. But good girls think differently. In their opinion, if you help everyone around you, everyone around you will help you. But for some reason those around us just get used to the fact that there is such a wonderful person who knows how to guess desires. The best part about this is that he doesn't ask for anything in return. Even if he silently waits for a return.

But this ability makes life very disturbing for a good girl. There are so many people around, they all want something, they all are offended by something. And many of them expect that they will be understood without words and helped without asking.

To start living a happy life and stop being responsible for the problems of others , you must first stop reacting to your own impulses to help everyone, serve everyone and make everyone happy. It is not necessary to stop reading the emotions of others.

Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers

When there is someone in your life who will never refuse in a difficult (or not so difficult) situation, why not turn to him for any reason?

Good girls help others in their free time not only because they themselves want to do so (or rather, they are forced to do so, otherwise they will be overcome by an unbearable feeling of guilt for their imaginary selfishness). People around them happily come up with thousands of small and large requests for good girls.

To feel how wonderful it is to spend your free time the way you want, you will have to learn to refuse the majority of those who suffer their requests.

They have lived on their own for so many years, why don’t they sort out their problems without the help of others?

Killing debt

The life motto of a good girl is: “Who else if not me?”

It is she who carries all hopeless projects on herself, almost all dead relationships are supported by her, she is a solid support for everything in which she participates. She cannot understand how anyone can do her job poorly. Or how not to perform all the cleaning rituals, as my mother taught. And the fact that you can give yourself a day off and let others do whatever they want is out of the question.

But there are no irreplaceable people. And it's just wonderful! If a good girl suddenly just doesn't do some of her boring work, the world won't end. It may just be that someone has to finally learn independence or how to do their job on their own. But this doesn't seem like the end of the world.

Necessary actions to leave a “good girl” behind

When a good girl has already stopped guessing other people's wishes, has stopped fulfilling them, doing all the work for others of her own free will, she will only have to clearly determine for herself what exactly needs to be changed in her behavior in order to forever forget about the status of a “good girl”?

You need to learn to conflict.
It is necessary to stop avoiding difficult conversations and even scandals.
You need to learn to respond to the offender in his style.
You need to learn to say “no”. Keep it brief and without making excuses.
You need to stop sharing your successes with those people from whom you expect praise and appreciation.
It is necessary to make attempts to block thoughts about your ideality, correctness, goodness.
It is necessary to stop showing tolerance and wasting time on those who are unpleasant and disgusting.
It is necessary to put your own affairs and needs as a priority to those of others.
Pamper yourself. You can buy an impractical thing, but a very desirable one.
Allow yourself to sleep during the day.

Sometimes it is vital to assert your boundaries. Even if this means upsetting, offending or angering someone.