How not to yell at your child: 8 useful tips for hot-tempered parents

Of course, mom and dad are people too. Problems at work, migraines, stress, and the child again “walks on his head.” As a result, parents break down, scream, and then begin to repent and suffer, realizing that screaming is not the best educational method.

Surely loud screams can temporarily change a child’s behavior, but it is worth understanding whether the parents were seeking such obedience. After all, the child does not realize the need for change, but calms down for a day or two so that the mother does not scream.

Then everything starts all over again, because at the moment when he hears the parental screams, which convey to the child the meaning of his unfaithful behavior, he dreams of only one thing: when the mother (father) will stop screaming. Let's talk about what to do in such situations.

Why is parental screaming dangerous?

Before moving on to specific solutions to the “screaming” problem, you should understand what raising a child in an atmosphere of constant screaming can lead to.

Already at a newborn age, children are able to recognize the intonation of speech and its emotional coloring. Therefore, they begin to associate a raised voice with anger and aggressiveness.

If, in addition to loud shouts, parents add physical force, the child, on a purely reflexive level, expects further trouble from the screaming mom or dad. And this threatens to disrupt parent-child relationships.

At early and preschool age, children feel helpless in the face of parental screams, but the older the child gets, the more “hardened” he becomes. Therefore, teenagers are no longer afraid of such disciplinary action. Just think, mom is yelling again!

Depending on the characteristics of their temperament and character, grown-up children will either begin to avoid adults in every possible way (including through getting closer to teenage groups), or will begin to respond to mom and dad with the same screams. The result is constant scandals.

Another possible consequence is an excessive weakening of children’s attachment to their parents. This means that the teenager will come under the protection of more “understanding” people, who are not always decent or simply well-mannered.

In addition, such a behavioral stereotype can become entrenched in the child’s mind and be inherited. Having created a family and given birth to children, such a person will begin to raise them by screaming, copying parental behavior. That is, raising your voice will become a kind of relay baton.

If you still don’t quite understand why you shouldn’t yell at a child, be sure to read an article by a psychologist on this topic. This material describes in detail the negative consequences of raising a child by screaming.

Another delicate issue is punishing a child. From an article by a child psychologist, you can understand why children should not be beaten and how cruel educational measures can affect the further development of children.

Are there punishments that do not harm the child’s psyche? Yes, if you know how to properly punish a child. It is this issue that the psychologist’s article is devoted to.

Why can't you yell at children?

Screaming at its core is a manifestation of aggression. When aggression comes from the dearest and closest people, the child experiences it very hard.

If a child grows up in an atmosphere of constant screaming, scandals and parental nervous breakdowns, he suffers from:

Personal development

The child gradually becomes withdrawn, anxious, unsure of himself, and often cries. Mental development is inhibited, it becomes difficult for him to perceive and remember new information. He is always in a shell, as it were, protecting him from the outside world. The child begins to be afraid of situations of failure (answers at the board, competitions, public speaking) and new acquaintances.

As adults, such people seek constant support and approval for their actions; it is difficult for them to change jobs or meet new people, because... they subconsciously expect failure and aggression from others.

Social development

The child does not develop basic trust in the world. If the closest and most beloved person, like mom or dad, offends, then anyone can offend. The child stops trusting others and has problems building friendships and love relationships.

A child whose parents constantly raised their voices will continue to behave in the same way in their family with their children.

Child-parent relationships

Trust and mutual understanding leave the relationship. The child stops sharing his problems for fear of causing a negative reaction from his parents. Thus, mom and dad turn from close people into strangers.

Reasons for screaming

The screams of parents, if you try hard, can always be justified: by family upbringing, the current psychological atmosphere in the family and in the workplace.

Why has yelling at a child become a kind of tradition for many?

1. Raising your voice is passed down in the family from generation to generation . If a great-grandmother yelled at her grandmother, and she yelled at her mother, then future generations will most likely repeat this psychological “program.”
2. A child is a weak “opponent”, unable to give a worthy answer . A breakdown aimed at a younger family member can be triggered by a situation at work or personal problems.
3. Parental confidence in one's own rightness . Often, adults demand that a child perform certain actions simply because “they know better.”
4. Inability to plan your time . A child can indulge (that’s why he’s a child), but who stopped his mother from waking up and leaving the house early, turning off her favorite TV series on time?
5. Inability to explain certain things to a child . This feature is typical for parents of schoolchildren. They repeat the same thing many times, but the child still does not understand anything.
6. Focus on the opinions of surrounding people . A child can behave differently, and his actions are not always worthy. If others look disapprovingly or make comments, parents begin to shout, trying to correct the situation.
7. Concern for the health and life of the child . Parents can get angry at their child if he runs out onto the road, jumps from a height, grabs hot or sharp objects, etc.

Many parents justify their “loud” behavior by saying that the child is completely out of control and is doing everything out of spite. And other disciplinary measures, except for a sharp shout and even a spanking, do not affect his actions at all.

It is very important to establish the true background of the behavior of the parents and the child. The most preferred method of dealing with parental screams will depend on this. It is also important to understand that some solutions do not help at all in correcting the situation.

New skills

Tell your child that you will try to control yourself to stop yelling at him, and ask him to help you with this. Give him permission to interrupt you when you start yelling. Offer a kind of pantomime - holding your hands over your ears. In addition, the scream can be interrupted with the words: “You are shouting at me, and this is unpleasant for me” or “Please talk to me calmly, because you love me.”

Respond to this reminder by resorting to a “rewind, tweak, and restart”, such as:

• Rewind. “Thanks for the reminder, I forgot about it because I was upset.”
• Setup. “I'm sorry, you didn't deserve to be yelled at. What you did was wrong, but you shouldn’t be shouted at either.”
• Restart. “Let's start all over again. I’m upset because you don’t agree with me.”

Our permission to remind children not to shout:

• Gives them the strength to defend themselves from screaming without having to fight (without running);
• Protects their self-esteem because it lets them know that they do not deserve such treatment;
• Strengthens the relationship as we show respect for their needs and feelings.

Here are some effective tips from parents on how to stop yelling at their child:

1. If possible, give yourself at least an hour a day: during this time, indulge in a face mask, reading, or your favorite hobby. In general, paying attention to yourself and your loved one calms you down and brings back joy.
2. One of my friends, instead of shouting or swearing, says in a sing-song voice: “Well, what is this?” Without any raising of voice. And he speaks out and doesn’t make noise
3. If you cannot restrain yourself from calling your child names, then at least keep all “fool” and “stupid” to yourself. Make up your own curse word. For example, tell him: “Wow, linnet mullet!” You can also, instead of raising your voice at the child, make a face or act out a pantomime. You can growl or grunt when angry... In general, the best remedy for anger is humor!
4. It's all about mom's well-being. A happy mother is a good mother. Sometimes you have to speak in a stern voice. But the main thing is for the child to know that his mother loves him. Every evening before going to bed, tell him this, stroke him, hug him, kiss him. Then strict situations, when, for example, he turns the knobs of the burners on the stove or something similar, are perceived only as individual situations when the mother is strict, and not a behavioral tendency. This is how it is for me.
5. I myself saw from another mother how she, angry at her daughter who had been naughty, instead of yelling at her, with an exaggeratedly ferocious look, chased after her with the words “I’ll catch up with you!” The daughter ran, the mother followed, and the difficult situation somehow imperceptibly turned into a game.
6. Try, instead of yelling at the child, growl or howl... This will allow you not to say nasty things to the baby, things that you will regret later when you cool down.
7. Children of any age, even babies, need to talk about their mood and condition. You must say that you are in a bad mood or tired. They will understand everything, and the fact that this may be followed by a scream and something like that will pass much easier for the child.
8. I think you can shout, but there should be no hatred and aggression in your voice, that’s what frightens and deeply offends...
9. If you scold a child, it is important to talk about his bad behavior or actions, and not to get personal, not to humiliate... You must always remember and emphasize this in a conversation with the child, that he himself is good, he just behaved badly, ugly, etc. Don't label!
10. Most adults know how to control themselves when they need it. For example, you hold back when talking with your boss for fear of losing your job...Unfortunately, we do not stand on ceremony with children. Maybe we will learn to constructively resolve conflicts with children out of fear of losing their respect and love for us, out of fear of forever destroying the trusting relationship between us with one of our evil words...

Based on materials from mospsy.ru

Inadequate solutions

In psychological practice, so-called illusory solutions are often encountered. Many parents adhere to these methods, relying on the child’s correction and their own patience.

Correcting a Child

Parents are convinced that they will stop being irritated as soon as the child is able to master important skills: hygiene skills, politeness, doing homework independently, cleaning the children's room.

Mothers and fathers turn to psychologists with only one request - to correct their children’s behavior. Of course, if you place a mother in ideal conditions, when her child stops playing around and being naughty, then she will most likely stop raising her voice.

However, the problem is that such conditions are created exclusively by parents, and the child’s obedience still needs to be “cultivated.” But the family uses parenting methods that do not promote good behavior.

Thus, the desire to send a child to specialists for “re-education” is quite typical for some mothers and fathers. Such parents do not fully understand what their contribution to education is and what their responsibility is. However, it is stupid to demand changes from a child if adults themselves do not change.

Parental patience

This decision can be described as the parents’ desire to restrain their own irritability by all means. As a result, the family situation practically does not change at all, it’s just that the mother or father is holding back so as not to cause psychological trauma to the child.

The result of such parental tactics is an unexpected emotional “explosion,” since negative emotions tend to accumulate and spill out at a certain moment.

Experts are convinced that the longer adults hide their irritation, anger, and aggressiveness, the more these negative feelings “detonate.” In such cases, not only screams are common, but also physical measures.

Of course, when parents are faced with a conflict of interest (and a disagreement with a child is always a conflict situation), they need to do something. Naturally, you need to learn to communicate calmly with children, to speak not loudly, but strictly. All that remains is to understand how to do it correctly.

How to stop yelling at a child?

Surprisingly, you can find parents who raise their children without constant screaming. Moreover, these mothers and fathers are not at all ideal, and their children also cannot be classified as “fluffy bunnies.”

That is, these parents managed to refuse to raise their voices and choose an alternative approach to their own children. If you are also haunted by the question of how to stop yelling at children, the following advice from a psychologist will be useful.

Looking in the mirror

The very first recommendation from experts is to look at yourself at the moment of a nervous breakdown. What can you see in the mirror? Most likely, it will be an ugly woman with distorted facial features, with hands shaking with anger.

This is exactly the picture a child sees. At this moment, his only wish is that his mother would stop screaming and calm down as soon as possible. Does the woman herself dream about this?

Perhaps this unpleasant picture will help the mother calm down, since it is difficult to believe that she herself likes to scare the child, force him to look at crazy eyes, listen to unpleasant words and expressions in a moment of nervous frenzy.

Such a sight is especially frightening for a small child, for whom his beloved mother is the closest person in the world. It is likely that due to repeated such actions, very soon he will need qualified help from a psychotherapist.

However, having examined yourself during an emotional outburst, you should not become despondent and start self-flagellation. At the same time, you shouldn’t justify yourself in every possible way and try to shift responsibility onto your spouse, grandmother, boss, etc.

Only with a sober assessment of the current situation can one understand that the real reason is one’s own incontinence. You need to forgive yourself and begin to correct your behavior. We’ll tell you further how to learn not to yell at a child.

Dealing with Negative Emotions

American teacher Pam Leo in her works gives excellent advice that allows you not only to get rid of the existing problem, but also to reduce the psychological harm that raising a child with the help of screams causes to a child.

The specialist recommends giving your child a promise that from now on you will learn to cope with negative emotions, and permission to interrupt you if you lose control. For example, a baby may cover his ears with his hands or say: “Mom, talk to me in a quiet and calm voice.”

There can be several ways to respond to this :

1. Rewind and tell your child, “Thank you, honey, for the reminder. I was so upset that I forgot about our agreement.”
2. Improve relationships: “Of course, your action cannot be called good, but even in this case, you still shouldn’t have been yelled at.”
3. Restart the agreement: “Let’s start all over again. I was very upset because you didn’t behave very well, but I promise to improve.

One of these ways to work through negative emotions is sure to work. You just need to choose the one that is closest to you and your child.

Permission to interrupt "burst"

Another option for not yelling at a child is to allow him to interrupt his parent when he raises his voice. This method has certain advantages:

• it gives a child and a teenager the opportunity to protect themselves from screams without various scandals;
• it increases children’s self-esteem, as they become convinced that they can resolve issues of upbringing on an equal basis with adults;
• it helps strengthen the relationship between the child and the parent, as the latter demonstrates that he respects the child's feelings and desires.

In addition, it is necessary to understand that the child learns to communicate by focusing on his parents. It doesn’t matter what caused the screaming - a desire to intimidate or a loss of control. It should be understood, if you do not interrupt the screams, that after a while children will begin to behave the same way towards their peers and even adults.

Specific recommendations from parents

Not only experts, but also parents who are faced with a similar problem are thinking about how to stop yelling at a child.

Their advice is purely “utilitarian”, since it has been repeatedly tested in practice.

What do experienced mothers and fathers recommend?

1. Don’t let family worries completely “enslave” you. If possible, you need to set aside at least an hour a day for yourself when you can knit, sleep, watch TV or lie in the bath.
2. Get positive from interacting with children. Hug and kiss your child several times every day. Such tenderness should be performed both in the morning and in the evening. By the way, this is useful for child development.
3. Warn your child about your bad mood. Of course, the little toddler won’t understand this, but at least you can speak out. But a preschooler and teenager will most likely stop being naughty.
4. Give vent to negative feelings. Try crumpling a piece of paper, hitting a wall in anger, or beating a pillow. The best way to do physical exercise is to twirl a hoop or pump your abs.
5. Wash away the energetic “dirt” from yourself. You can have different attitudes towards energy practices, but clean water really reduces the intensity of passions. Try taking a shower or soaking in the bath.
6. Take sedatives. These can be either natural remedies (valerian or mint) or pharmaceutical medications.
7. Come up with some kind of deterrent. You can, for example, imagine that strangers have come to visit you, in front of whom you are ashamed to express yourself fully. It is also worth considering that you are going to shout at someone else’s child, which, of course, is unacceptable.
8. Chat with those who are in the same situation. Sometimes communication on the Internet or in a club of similar interests helps you find the optimal method of resolving the situation.
9. Try to understand how a child feels when he is shouted at.

When scolding a child, you need to talk about the unworthiness of his action, and not get personal.
Remember that your child is a good person, but his behavior leaves much to be desired. If the above recommendations do not help, do not be afraid to contact specialists.

Don't yell or punish, give yourself time to think

Parents often ask me: “How can I stop screaming? I just can’t do it” or “How to suppress a flash of rage?”

This is a multifaceted question, but it can only be answered with a tautology: to stop screaming, you need to stop screaming.

There are no special techniques for this. But you can help yourself by understanding that getting angry and giving in to impulses is a sign of weakness, which does not express your authority, but fear and loss, which in turn affect the child’s psychological state.

We must remember that we must take into account their age: children do not try to drive us crazy and do not mock us. They just go through a certain stage of development, and this is completely normal.

Gigi, the father of fourteen-year-old Veronica, writes to me:

“Our daughter got a perfect score in English. This is amazing and completely unexpected. The problem is that she didn't tell us about it. I don’t even know why... She just went to play with her friends and forgot about everything. When I found out about this, I punished her for not telling us anything.

Veronica knows very well that it is important for my wife and I to know how she is doing at school. Whether the news is bad or good, we need to know everything about how she is doing in school. Always.

I understand that this is wrong, and my wife completely disagrees with me. So far she is silent, but I already know how it will end: first she will quarrel with me, and then she will tell Veronica that they punished her in the heat of the moment, so we can pretend that nothing happened..."

Unreasonable anger forces the father to commit rash acts. The fact that the girl did not tell about the grade, even if it was excellent, is completely normal for her age, when parents no longer pay such attention. This is not just about forgetfulness, as it seems to the father. Perhaps the girl is trying to “throw her parents off the scent” and get rid of excessive control. This makes my father angry and he explodes.

There are many emotional pitfalls in our relationships with children. But there are techniques that will help you find a way out of any situation. I can give four recommendations that will help you eventually stop yelling at your children and punishing them.

1. Understand and accept the fact that yelling and punishing is wrong.
2. Admit that everyone makes mistakes. Children can tolerate their parents' mistakes, especially when they see that the situation is changing.
3. Come up with a substitute for yelling and punishment - a word or action that you will resort to before you are overcome by the urge to yell and punish.
4. Appreciate your successes. Please note that good organization helps better than yelling: you are satisfied with yourself and have the right amount of control over raising your children.

When should you visit a psychologist?

Often it is not possible to cope with the problem, since it is quite difficult to understand parent-child relationships, because usually all household members are involved in conflict situations.

It is necessary to consider all cases in which it is recommended to contact psychologists or psychotherapists.

1. Despite the efforts made, the situation is not improving. “I lash out at the child, I persuade myself, I realize that yelling is very bad, but I can’t restrain myself,” this is what mothers say during consultations with a psychologist. An expert will be able to help you understand the motives and background of inappropriate actions and find the optimal solution.
2. The parent is in constant depression and stress. Moreover, it is impossible to throw this whole situation out of consciousness; problems only accumulate. The specialist will be able to understand where the failure occurred and where to get the strength to resolve the problem.
3. Family relationships are in crisis. If, due to incorrect parenting methods, problems have begun with your spouse and child, grievances are only accumulating, you need to understand how to establish contact with household members and restore good relationships with your spouse and children.
4. Psychosomatic diseases appear. Often the body reacts to psychological troubles with various malfunctions - migraines or intestinal disorders. Moreover, problems can arise for both parents and the child.

Help from a specialist is one of the best ways to solve the problem. A psychologist will be able to understand the reasons for parental screams and give useful recommendations.

Mothers and fathers who are willing to not be angry with a child and give up yelling when raising him should deserve all respect. Such parents not only solve current problems, but also pass on the correct behavioral guidelines to their offspring.

In addition, the calmer the adult behaves, the more obedient the child grows. Such is the educational paradox. This fact is explained by the fact that, looking at cold-blooded mothers and fathers, the baby himself begins to cope with his feelings and manage his own behavior.

Advice from psychologists

1. Make time for yourself. Let it be only half an hour a day, but it should be dedicated only to you.
2. Concentrate on what really matters. The floor can be washed, the tights can be sewn up, the wallpaper can be re-glued. The main thing is that your children are healthy and everything is fine with them.
3. Warn all family members that you are in a bad mood today, you are irritated and very tired, so it is better not to upset you today.
4. Many mothers are ashamed of their child’s “inappropriate” behavior in a store, at a party, on the playground, so they try to reason with them and put them in their place by shouting. The best option in such a situation is to silently leave the playground or store with the child and talk to him at home.
5. If you still couldn’t restrain yourself and yelled at your child, ask him for forgiveness. Explain to him what brought you to this. This will be a positive example for him in dealing with such situations.
6. Don't be afraid to admit your mistakes to your child. Your authority will not suffer from this.
7. Praise yourself for showing calm, for every situation in which you could have yelled at your child, but restrained yourself.
8. If, in addition to constant irritation with your child, you often have disturbing, depressive thoughts, your quality of life has deteriorated, your sleep has been disturbed, or you have headaches - this is a serious reason to contact a psychologist or psychotherapist.
9. And the last recommendation is that your child should know: even though mom and dad sometimes get angry and raise their voices at him, they still love him and will protect him if he is in any danger.

Don't make screaming your only tool for raising your children. Learn yourself and teach your child to live in harmony with your emotions. And then peace and harmony will always reign in your family!