Children and parents' divorce: how to help a child survive divorce

“Adults often do not imagine what kind of suffering a child is experiencing,

when two people he loves suddenly break up,”

Helmut Figdor,

teacher-psychanalyst, child psychotherapist.

When a man and woman get divorced, they face many social, economic and other problems that most of them never imagined. But the main problem for parents is how to explain to their child that mom and dad will no longer live together and how to minimize the consequences of divorce on the child’s psyche.

In this article you will find answers to these and many other questions.

During this difficult time, surround your child with tender care rather than excessive control. Know where he is at the moment and listen to what is happening around him without annoying calls and SMS. Install the "Where are my kids" app right now.

Is it worth saving a marriage for the sake of a child?

This question is asked by spouses in whose relationship there is no longer mutual understanding and love, quarrels have become more frequent, and often each of them is visited by thoughts of divorce.

Some make a choice in favor of the child, do not want to traumatize his psyche and remain to live together, but as strangers. Others decide to divorce and feel guilty that they could not preserve a happy childhood for their child, when mom and dad love and care for their baby together.

But remember, dear parents: saving a marriage makes sense only when the parents behave respectfully towards each other and can resolve their differences. Otherwise, constant scandals, life in an atmosphere of hatred and irritation of parents towards each other will leave a deep mark on the mental development of the child.

As a rule, children deeply experience everything that happens between their parents. And they feel that mom and dad no longer love each other and don’t want to be together.

Therefore, before answering this question, think about whether you and your spouse can maintain an atmosphere of acceptance and respect in the family, or whether it would be better for you to separate and live separately from each other.

How to behave as parents. How to prepare your child for their parents' divorce

1 Clarify the relationship when the child does not see or hear it. If parents divorce, the children should suffer the least. Therefore, in order not to aggravate children’s experiences, take all quarrels, hysterics, insults, and swearing out of the child’s sight. Or better yet, go to a therapist’s office. This is the best thing you can do when thinking about how not to traumatize your child during a divorce.

2 Speak calmly about each other or remain silent at all. Also, after a divorce, ex-spouses should not throw mud at each other in front of the child. No matter what kind of dad he is, “a goat who left for another,” the child should not hear this. When he grows up, he will understand everything himself and re-evaluate his parents’ divorce from an adult perspective. Now the task is to help him survive the separation in his family. Devaluing your father is not helping.

3 Prove to the child that the reason for the divorce is not him. It is very important: parents should be upset, but let the child understand that he is not the reason for the divorce. The psychology of a child when his parents divorce is such that he can blame himself for this (more often, this is diagnosed at 5–6 years old).

Both dad and mom should say a thousand times, and as sincerely as possible, that they are not getting a divorce because of him. Divorce is an adult matter and an adult decision, and children have nothing to do with it. Kids don't always realize this.

4 Speak only when you are sure of your decision to get a divorce. You need to tell your child about divorce when this decision has been fully made and agreed upon between the spouses. Not when you are still thinking or doubting, not when the wife “scares” her husband with divorce, but when everything has already been decided. But! Well in advance of departure. Not in a week, and not when dad is standing with suitcases at the door, but in a month - a change of place of residence or composition of residents should not be a shock for the child.

You must do this together, at home, in a safe and calm environment. Not in between, not at lunch, and not before school. Don't be afraid that the child will start crying, and don't be afraid to cry in front of the children (this is generally very useful). Divorce is always a difficult experience for all family members.

5 Prepare answers to the questions. Most likely, the child will start asking questions - prepare the answers in advance. Who will live and where, how often will you see each other, what will happen for the New Year and his birthday. Ignorance breeds anxiety, so inform your child as much as possible.

Divorce of parents through the eyes of a child

How do children cope with their parents' divorce?

How will you feel when someone you love so much suddenly leaves you? Remember: children are experiencing not just a divorce from mom and dad, but their own divorce from one of their parents, their loss.

Children do not suspect that family relationships depend not only on the love of parents for children, but also on the love and respect of mom and dad for each other. And they worry not only because dad leaves home because of quarrels with mom, but also because the son or daughter himself is not valuable enough for dad, since he cannot stay for him.

Adults also know this feeling when, after parting with a loved one, we ask ourselves questions: maybe I did something wrong, maybe I wasn’t good enough for him?

A child whose parents divorced feels:

sadness (“How sad I am without my dad. Now no one plays dinosaurs with me or goes to the park on weekends”);
anger at the parent who, in his opinion, is to blame for the divorce (“It’s mom’s fault that dad left us, she constantly yelled at him”);
feeling of guilt (“Dad doesn’t live with us now because I behaved badly and broke toys. If I behave well, maybe dad will come back?”);
resentment (“I thought dad loved me and would never part with me, but he up and left”);
fear, anxiety, worry (“If mom no longer loves dad and drove him away, maybe tomorrow she will also stop loving me and drive me away?”);
shame (“What will I say in kindergarten/school when they ask me about my dad? After all, now we don’t live with him”).

The combination of these destructive (destructive) emotions leads to the fact that children feel small, helpless and unable to somehow change their circumstances.

The absence of a visible reaction (the child does not cry, does not strive for loneliness, remains outwardly calm and balanced) does not mean that he is not experiencing his parents’ divorce. It’s just that all his negative and painful feelings are hidden deep inside, and the longer they remain there, the harder it will be for the child to cope with them.

The ideal age of a child for parents to divorce: does it exist?

Many parents believe that the ideal age when a child will react less painfully to their parents' divorce is adolescence. The son or daughter can themselves assess what is happening and take someone else’s position from the parents.

In fact, there is no suitable age for a child when the divorce of his parents would not cut the ground from under his feet and deprive him of confidence in the future.

Divorce of parents is a difficult and painful event for a child. Children of different ages experience it in their own way.

Children under 3 years old do not yet understand that mom and dad are getting a divorce, but they can feel it from the mood of their parents and the tension in the family situation. They may begin to be capricious, cry for no reason, sleep and eat poorly. Developmental regression may also occur: the child “forgets” all the skills he has learned - eating with a spoon, going to the potty.
At the age of 3 to 6 years, children experience the most difficult time when one parent leaves the family. They often blame themselves and think that dad or mom just stopped loving him. Children often feel sad, seek solitude, and cry. Aggressive behavior may appear, directed either at one of the parents or at peers.

A child whose parents are on the verge of divorce suddenly becomes seriously ill. And then he again finds himself surrounded by the love and attention of both parents. This is how the protective mechanism of the child’s psyche is triggered, trying to protect him from unfavorable life changes.

Schoolchildren from 6 to 13 years old, whose parents have separated, often hide this fact from friends and teachers, and feel ashamed of having an incomplete family. For the majority, their academic performance declines, conflicts arise with peers, and resentment and anger arise at their parents for the dysfunction of the family. Children begin to deceive, be rude, and not respond to the comments of their elders.
In adolescence, parental divorce is superimposed on the child’s identity crisis. A son or daughter may already understand the true reasons for their parents’ divorce, but they will be hostile to a new family member – their stepfather or stepmother.

Reasons for divorce

Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky in the video explains the main reasons for divorce in the family and what to do next.

Perhaps you yourself saw that something was wrong: father and mother constantly argued, communicated little with each other, were constantly irritated and sad. But often the news hits like a bolt from the blue, and you are tormented by the question of why your parents are breaking up.

In fact, there can be a huge number of reasons for divorce, and each family has its own reasons. Parents are adults who have been married for a certain number of years. Many people, over time, come to the conclusion that they made a mistake in choosing a life partner. In addition, we all tend to change - the relationship between husband and wife, their plans for the future, goals, interests, habits, ideals also change. At the level of everyday life, this results in a lot of problems: parents cannot agree or find a common language even in everyday matters. And sometimes, to get a divorce, you don’t even have to quarrel and argue: parents may become bored, uninterested together, they become complete strangers. There comes a moment when they realize that continuing to go through life together means dooming themselves to endless problem solving or a joyless existence.

“But everything was fine!” you might say. Alas, the fact that your family life looked prosperous on the outside does not mean that it really was so. Most likely, your parents simply didn’t want to hurt you, so they hid the difficulties in the relationship and tried to fix something. As a rule, decisions about divorce are not made in a day, but take months and even years to mature. But one day the time comes when it is no longer possible to endure and hide problems. Divorce becomes the easiest, and perhaps the only, opportunity to put things in order in your life.

If your parents get divorced, it means they made some mistakes. Try to understand these mistakes and avoid making them in the future.

If you have the right to ask your parents, why are they splitting up? Of course! Perhaps they will even tell you something. But you shouldn’t count on a completely frank, specific and reliable answer. Why?

Adults, feeling guilty before you, can immediately begin to make excuses, trying to make the other party guilty and distort the facts. Parents can understand: for many, divorce is a personal failure, the need to admit one’s mistakes, and doing this is unpleasant for anyone.
They may choose the opposite tactic: wanting to protect you from shocks, they will not want to talk about the unworthy behavior of their other half - for example, betrayal, deception, etc.
There may be very personal reasons that no one should know about. And, finally, you may simply be considered small and unable to understand the lives of adults and their problems.

Read more: How to overcome childhood fears?

Thus, there are many reasons why parents' answers will be vague, vague, and laconic. The most important thing for you right now is not to take it personally, thinking that their breakup has something to do with you.

Remember: responsibility for the decision to break up lies with adults, and children have nothing to do with it.

At one time, you may have been the reason why mom and dad got married, but you weren’t the reason they separated. Usually, on the contrary, because of their children, parents are looking for an opportunity to save the family until the last moment. No matter how badly you behaved, this could not be the reason for your parents’ separation.

How to tell your child about divorce?

Take into account the age of the child. Psychologists do not recommend reporting the fact of divorce to children under three years of age. You can tell a preschooler that mom and dad will no longer live together, but despite this, dad loves him and will see him constantly. Teenagers can guess about the difficult situation in the family. Therefore, they can be told that their parents have ceased to respect and understand each other, and it is better for them to separate.
Choose a suitable setting for the conversation, when you and your child are not in a hurry and there are no distractions. It is better if both parents participate in the conversation.
Do not deceive your child with stories about your dad going on a long business trip, to the Far North, flying into space, etc. Firstly, the child will subconsciously still feel your lie. This will negatively affect his trust in you. Secondly, everything secret becomes clear at some point, and it will be doubly difficult for the child to find out about his father’s departure and about his mother’s deception.
This seems absurd, but many parents, in a fit of anger, begin to ask their child: “So who do you love more? Who will you stay with: mom and dad?” Do not subject your son or daughter to such psychological violence. The baby loves both parents equally and experiences a state of shock upon learning that they will no longer live together. And then mom and dad put him before such a serious adult choice, which should fall on their shoulders, and not become a burden for a child with a fragile psyche.
During the conversation, do not try to sort things out with your second spouse. Leave all grievances and complaints against each other for later. Now it is important for you to inform your child about your breakup in a way that does not cause him psychological trauma for the rest of his life.
It is not necessary to tell the child that “dad fell in love with another woman.” Speak in simple and understandable phrases that mom and dad will no longer live together, each of them now has their own life, but they both still love their child, care and worry about him.
Do not use the word “divorce” in your speech when talking to a preschooler or schoolchild; they may not always correctly interpret its meaning.
Be prepared for the fact that your child will immediately have many questions after being told about the divorce. For him, this situation is new, unusual, and he does not know what awaits him in the future.
Together with your spouse, convince the child that it is not he and not his actions that are the reason for the divorce, relieve him of the feeling of guilt. Explain that Mom and Dad still love him and will always love and care for him, even if they don't live together.
A child’s reaction to a message about a divorce can be different: anger, tears, hysteria, or, conversely, silence and withdrawal. Take it calmly, let the child be alone or caress and hug.
Even if you and your spouse approach the conversation about divorce competently, the child will still experience the separation of mom and dad. Your task is to make these experiences less painful and burdensome for the child, to minimize the traumatic impact on his psyche.

What to expect from yourself after the divorce of your father and mother

Your first reactions are rage, despair, anxiety, etc. — after some time they give way to others. Of course, such a serious event cannot fail to leave a mark. What do you need to be prepared for?

Feeling lonely. During the divorce process or immediately after it, most parents are busy mainly with personal matters and worries. Treat this with understanding: after all, people’s lives change dramatically, they experience extreme stress. They need time to cope with it and return to parenthood.
It takes a long time to get used to it. Your consciousness needs some time to rebuild and adapt to changing conditions.
Depression, apathy, tearfulness, reluctance to communicate even with best friends. This is natural, and it will pass, it’s just important not to “get stuck” in this state for a long time: work with your experiences, communicate with your parents and other loved ones, and don’t isolate yourself within four walls and within yourself.
Constant irritation, aggressiveness, jealousy, uncontrollable behavior, rebellion against the rules - perhaps you yourself do not want to behave this way, you simply cannot cope with what is inside you. But you have to fight your dark side.
Skin problems, stuttering, insomnia, obsessive movements, headaches, abdominal pain, fatigue for no particular reason, decreased performance. This is another guise of internal problems - and another serious reason to end them.

Parents' mistakes

So, you informed your child that you are getting a divorce, your marriage is officially dissolved, and now each of you lives your own life.

And here most parents begin to make gross mistakes that cost their child very dearly.

Remember, dear parents: by making these mistakes, you destroy the child’s already shaken world, depriving him of the opportunity to survive his parents’ divorce without severe psychological trauma.

How to survive a tragedy

It is important to realize that no one died, everyone is alive and well. Divorce is not an end to a happy future with your loved ones, it is simply a difficulty that needs to be overcome and accepted.

If things have already reached the point of family destruction, most likely the child will experience one or even several reactions:

Anger, disappointment. Before this, the baby lived in a happy and prosperous family, loved her and enjoyed every day of his wonderful life. He thought that this would go on forever, but the utopia was destroyed and he had to face the harsh reality. Few people would like to have their rose-colored glasses broken at a young age.
Fear. It is even more common than depression and a feeling of complete loneliness. The point is that the child does not know what awaits him next, he does not understand at all what is happening, why his family is being destroyed. That is why it is best to present the divorce as loyally as possible, not to throw ostentatious hysterics and scandals, and try not to traumatize the child’s psyche. It is recommended to contact a highly qualified psychologist.
Guilt. This reaction is typical for children from 3 to 8 years old; they think that a family member left because of their bad behavior. It is imperative to explain to the child that he is not to blame for anything, everything will be fine.
Resentment, loneliness. In order to avoid this, you need not to dwell on your problems, but try to support your son or daughter.

READ How to understand that it’s time to divorce your husband: is it worth leaving a man

After divorce, life goes on. It is better to treat it as a temporary difficulty that will definitely be overcome.

What do psychologists advise?

Try to maintain respect for each other after a divorce. Despite the fact that now everyone has their own life, you are connected by a child. Do everything possible for his happiness and well-being!
Pay attention to changes in the child’s behavior: deterioration in sleep, appetite, frequent colds, decreased performance at school, conflicts with peers, aggressive behavior. All this suggests that your son or daughter is experiencing severe stress. If you cannot cope with the situation on your own or do not know what to do or how to help your child, seek help from a psychologist.
Discuss in advance with your ex-spouse the schedule of meetings with the child, and, if possible, your joint meetings. Try not to disrupt the child’s usual lifestyle and daily routine.
Parents must maintain a consistent parenting style. What mom allows, dad should not prohibit and vice versa.
Try not to take it out on your child or throw out all the accumulated negativity on him. It’s hard for you to go through a divorce, and it’s doubly hard for your child, because his usual world has collapsed, and he has to rebuild it and look for new supports. This is a very difficult task for the child's psyche.
Spend more free time with your child, walk, play, visit new places. But if he wants to be alone, give him this opportunity.
Do not discuss your ex-husband with anyone in front of your child. Neither over the phone nor in person.

Dear mothers! After divorcing your husband, do not make it your goal to focus entirely on raising your child and his affairs. Your life goes on. Chat with friends, go to theaters, cafes, make new acquaintances. Do not prevent your child from growing up and do not “smother” him with your excessive care and guardianship.

Stop overprotecting your child so that he can grow into a successful, balanced person. But continue to keep him safe. Install the “Where are my children” application and always know where your child is, what he is doing, and instantly contact him if necessary.

Divorce is a difficult experience for all family members, especially for the mother. Many problems fall on fragile women's shoulders. Try, under the weight of responsibility and the weight of worries that have fallen on you, not to forget that you are not alone, you have a child, parents, friends, acquaintances. Don't be shy to ask for help if you feel like you can't cope.

Take care of your emotional state

If one of the parents is deeply depressed, and this happens often, help him not to be depressed. Make decisions yourself, because you can already take care of your loved one. What to do if mom/dad is completely “unstuck”:

Put your apartment in order - a person’s well-being depends on the surrounding environment. Invite your parent to help you, or even better, ask for advice (how best to wash the windows, how to clean the microwave, etc.)
This weekend, try to get your ancestor out of the apartment. A trip to the zoo, a walk along the embankment, a picnic, or the beach are suitable. Communication with nature calms and gives strength.
Small manual work is very good at calming the nerves. If you “suddenly” become interested in beadwork, knitting, embroidery or assembling puzzles and involve your parent in this, it will be just great.
Sometimes caring for those who are in a more difficult situation helps people get out of depression. If you don’t dislike such activities, then volunteer: help in a nursery for abandoned animals, spread information about missing people, distribute food to the homeless. And be sure to ask your parent for help - after all, you are a minor, you cannot do many things without adults.
If nothing helps, and the situation gets worse: a loved one refuses to eat, has problems with blood pressure or sleep, or has heart pain, be sure to persuade mom or dad to see a doctor. Sometimes the problem can only be solved with the help of antidepressants prescribed by the doctor.

When using any advice, remember - it must be done sincerely. Parents understand “a game for one spectator” immediately.

There is also one important difference in the psychology of men and women: a woman, in order to survive a difficult situation, needs to talk about it, a man needs to hide in “his cave” for a while and think about everything. Organize a meeting with your friends for your mom and leave the house for a couple of hours. Without you, she will be able to really say what she thinks. When helping dad, let him be alone for a while, and then distract him with some kind of joint activity.

Read more: What is the “language of love” and what are they?

If your child asks why you are getting a divorce

Or “Why did you leave dad?”, “Why did dad leave us?” Parents are sometimes perplexed by these questions.

We must understand that they are based not on a desire to know the reason, but on a protest against the injustice of what happened to him. As if he was saying: “I don’t want it to be like this!”

The parent falls into the trap of trying to find explanations acceptable to the child. Let's say dad abused alcohol, and mom is in a stupor about how to tell her child about this without denigrating his father.

Don't fall for this scam. The baby’s question “why” is not about logic or reasons, but about how hard it is for him without his dad. This is what you talk about: “You know, there are very different families. You see it and you know it. In our family - you and me. Dad and I divorced when you were very young. You wish this didn't happen, right? You probably dreamed and imagined that dad lived with us. You'd really like that. And you are offended and sad that this did not happen.”

This way you will normalize the current situation, talk about his feelings, create a space where you can express difficult thoughts and experiences. And then stick to a simple explanation: “Mom and Dad didn’t like being together anymore. We realized that we didn't want to live together all our lives. That's how it happens sometimes." For very young children, you can briefly answer: “It’s sad that this happened, you would like dad to live with us.”

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