In the lives of most couples who have been in a relationship for more than one year, sooner or later the question of male fidelity arises. Sometimes, the suspicions of one of the parties end in nothing, and sometimes a very unpleasant truth emerges. Treason. At this moment, it may seem to a woman that the world has collapsed and along with it the usual way of their common life. The pain of realization is terrible. And for this wound to heal, it will take time, strength and outside support. But still, before tearing a relationship apart, it’s worth trying to forgive the betrayal. After all, every person in this life can make a mistake and sincerely repent of it until the end of their days. Today we’ll talk about ways that will help you forget, forgive and accept the infidelity of a loved one and move on with your life.
Routine and lack of novelty reasons for cheating
According to generally accepted opinion, nothing kills love in a relationship more than routine. Everyday problems, boredom - all this makes life together monotonous. And, of course, the man begins to rush in search of new and interesting events. But the result of these searches is not always associated with the search for only new adventures. A man who has plunged into the abyss of a monotonous relationship may want new sensations in his sexual life. Then a passion for another woman may loom on the horizon. And the very fact of prohibition will only increase the need for these actions.
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Of course, in this case there are ways to avoid betrayal. One of the most important is diversity in life together. Psychologists advise focusing on spending time together, namely on finding interesting adventures for two. Diversity must be present in everything, including in the intimate sphere, then it will be possible to maintain fidelity in a relationship.
Genetic causes of cheating
It has long been believed that a man is a hunter. He strives to get what is not available to him. It's the 21st century, but nothing has changed: a man is still considered a hunter. He strives to get the woman he likes. In a sense, this process is a game for men. For him there are only two possibilities: either he is a winner or a loser.
But in addition to the “thrill of the hunt,” there is the so-called polygamy of male representatives. At the genetic level, it is inherent in them that they, men, should get as many of their offspring as possible.
The solution to this problem falls entirely on the shoulders of the man. It depends only on him whether he can curb the call of his genetics or not.
Recipes for betrayal
Sincerity
In couples, especially those who have spent a long time together, during a period when they have devoted themselves for years to caring for and raising children, creating economic stability for the family or a career, it often happens that partners forget about each other.
For example, they forget that daily but necessary gestures that express feelings of affection gradually lose their sincerity. But they are able to be useful only when they are sincere, and they can only be so when they reflect what the heart wants to say. Therefore, for starters, it would be good to find new ways to express your tender feelings for each other - both partners have long needed them. This stage on the path to restoring communication is inevitable.
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Wish list for a partner
Also, to avoid coming back to the topic of cheating, you should give your partner a small list of what you like, what you need, and what is important to you. Not in the sense of a list of requirements
These are rather reminders, motives necessary for the partner to understand what he needs to do for the other partner, what will be pleasant for him and what he values most..
Not in the sense of a list of requirements. These are rather reminders, motives necessary for the partner to understand what he needs to do for the other partner, what will be pleasant for him and what he values most...
For example, imagine what my spouse should have known and done for me?
I need you not to be busy with work all the time, even if we have to deny ourselves something, because in any case, I will miss you along the way. I need you to call me sometimes - just like that, not just because you need to ask me for something. I need to be able to call you when the need arises without feeling like I'm taking you away from something important. I need you to let me know that you still like me and want me before we get into bed, or just because. I need you to understand that sometimes I need to be alone. I need to know what you think about me, even when we are not together and especially in these moments...
Training “I want…”
As an exercise, think about your own version of a prose poem on the theme “I want.”
I want to learn to listen to you and not judge.
I want you to teach me to talk about our disappointments without reproaching each other.
I want you to learn to trust me without demanding anything in return.
I want to teach you to help me without trying to decide everything for me.
I want to learn to argue with you, but not quarrel.
I want you to teach me to take care of you without humiliating you.
I want to learn to look at you without projecting my problems onto you.
I want to teach you to hug me, but not to deprive me of air.
I want to learn how to be closer to you, leaving you personal space.
I want you to teach me to help you so that you stay strong.
I want to teach you to understand my imperfections.
I want... that after we have learned everything about each other, we will be able to elect each other again. Just like that day, but better... because today.
Most of all, I want to be sure that you are happy without me.
My man is cheating with his ex
Sometimes, on a man’s horizon, his former beloved appears. If they are connected by vivid memories, then it may happen that the spark will flare up between them again, and they will want to experience those feelings again. In this case, only the man can decide which of his girlfriends he wants to be with.
What to do when you find out about the betrayal of your beloved man
The first thing you should do as soon as you find out about the fact of betrayal is to calm down and pull yourself together. Yes. This is hard. Sometimes it's unbearable. But this is very necessary, first of all, for you.
Every now and then words, phrases and thoughts flash through my head, preventing me from sleeping, eating, and, in general, living. But with all your willpower at this moment, you need to pull yourself together and try to accept this situation. Not to be confused with "forgive". Awareness and acceptance of reality as it really is is already a big step towards a bright future.
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There is no need to make sudden movements, write long letters, flood with calls, leave the country, etc. Such actions will only bring a new round of torment. It is much more effective to give yourself rest. Including informative. Don’t call, don’t find out, don’t read, don’t talk about it. Just relax, sleep and do everything to calm your nerves. Communication with loved ones is useful. It is not necessary to go into details of your personal life. You can talk about everything in the world, go out of town, go on a picnic with friends or to a rock concert with a girlfriend. In general, do everything that will at least somehow distract you and give you new impressions.
Time cures. What do psychologists say?
Again, in such complex relationships you need to turn to professionals. Alas, there are no doctors who could prescribe a cure for the pain of betrayal, but there are psychologists who are generalists for all occasions. And among them there are specialists who deal with family problems, situations of betrayal, deception, and mutual understanding. If your loved one cheats, try not only to forgive him, but also to forgive yourself. Some of the blame lies with you if you allowed wrong things to happen.
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Every recovery takes time. But no one sits at home expecting to feel good. Is there some kind of therapy being carried out? Yes, this is both stabilization and normalization of the functioning of organs that secrete the hormone of happiness. Happiness can also be bought if you get joy from eating sweets, watching a movie and collecting flowers. Treason and betrayal of a loved one are forgiven, but everything takes time. For some, a few weeks are enough, others cannot start a family for decades, continuing to remain faithful to the one and only.
Don't look for the reason for cheating in yourself
When the fact of a man’s infidelity comes to light, many women make the same mistake - they begin to take the blame on themselves. They may say or think that he cheated because I am not beautiful enough, smart enough, good in bed, etc. In reality, the betrayal happened because he wanted it that way at the moment. That's all. There is no explanation for this and you cannot be to blame. If only for the simple reason that you were betrayed, not you.
Many men try to find an excuse for themselves in the eyes of a woman, so they can shift responsibility onto her. Saying that the betrayal happened because she doesn’t take care of herself, doesn’t wear makeup, grumbles, is overweight, etc. In fact, this is nothing more than manipulation. The man's goal is to force the woman to take the blame.
Don't let this happen! Whatever it may be, the one who took this step is always to blame for treason.
How to survive betrayal - Psychologist
“A man in love is like a blind child”
THE PAIN OF BETRAY
To be mutually loved means to be significant, especially valuable and necessary for one very close and dear, beloved person. This boundless happiness can collapse in one moment as soon as a person finds out about the betrayal
.
The pain from betrayal
is the stronger, the stronger the attachment and trust in the person who cheated, the more hopes for a joint future and happiness are associated with him, the more common the past with him.
The need to be loved is one of the basic (basic) needs of a person. The pain from betrayal
of a loved one (close person) is caused by the feeling that you have been abandoned, traded, rejected.
With the awareness of the fact of betrayal
a person’s self-attitude changes dramatically.
Self-confidence weakens, and an acute feeling of one’s own inferiority arises, on the one hand. On the other hand, the painful need to be close to the person you really need and to whom you are attached remains unsatisfied. ©The author of the article you are now reading, Khramchenko Nadezhda /
The mental state is saturated with aggression - how dare he (dare), self-deprecation (inferiority) - shortcomings are sorted out, qualities are compared “I’m bad, because they didn’t choose me!”, despair - from the impossibility of being with a loved one - if the betrayal is not forgiven, absent-mindedness - everything falls out of your hands “Thoughts hit your hands” (I. Talkov), depression - you don’t want to live any longer.
WHAT IS TREASON
Treason
is not just an action, it is the subjective experience of a particular person in response to his preference for another.
Most psychologists
call for a philosophical approach to
betrayal
- to forgive, understand, accept, forget, cope with your emotions, analyze the situation and try to correct it.
I believe that the experiences associated with betrayal
are deeply personal;
betrayal
concerns only two people (who
was cheated on
and who
cheated
).
For some, light flirting on the side will become a hard-to-experience pain, but for others, many years of infidelity
by their husband or periodic visits to prostitutes are in the order of things.
The depth of experience is caused, first of all, by the need for close relationships; if this need is very weak, then a person will be more relaxed about partying on the side than someone who is aimed at a monogamous serious relationship, where two people belong to each other, and there is no place for a third. The exception is a number of men who regard their woman as their property and do not allow her flirting or betrayal
, as this will deal a crushing blow to their self-esteem and pride.
TO FORGIVE OR NOT TO FORGIVE Betrayal
is a blow to self-esteem.
The “I won’t forgive” attitude helps to raise your self-esteem. Pride and self-esteem are always there. Pride eases the pain of humiliation and feelings of inferiority, but leads to separation and new pain if you really want to be with this person. The psychological
recommendation is always the same - to forgive and let go for your own good and peace of mind, and to decide for yourself: “Do I want to be with this person who so easily risks our relationship or not?”
To forgive or not to forgive is a choice that the person himself will make. What is more important for him, to stay and accept it or to leave, to be alone or to try to date another person? Friends, on the one hand, can open your eyes and help you look at the situation objectively, but on the other hand, you love, you know better what to do, especially since they base their judgments on their personal experience. HOW TO COPE WITH THE PAIN FROM BETRAYAL
Emotions... Few people manage to remain calm after learning about
betrayal
for which they were absolutely not prepared.
Of course, everything is very individual, but what is common to everyone is a flurry of negative emotions. Anger
, hatred, resentment, fear of losing a loved one, guilt that something was done wrong and provoked
betrayal
predominates .
This is followed by despair and the “parade of catastrophe emotions” ends with a depressive state. ©The author of the article you are reading now, Nadezhda Khramchenko/
On the first day you need to give free rein to your emotions. Do not calm yourself down, but throw them out; however, no matter how offensive it may be, it is important to do without self-harm for your own good. A friend or girlfriend will be very helpful; you can talk to them and find support from them. A similar therapeutic effect occurs when listening to songs about cheating.
and the suffering of their heroes.
In addition, strong emotions go hand in hand with physical activity. This means, when you are overwhelmed by strong anger
, corrosive resentment and guilt, leave the house, take a brisk walk, slowly breathe in deeply the fresh air, if you are in a polluted city, look for a park.
If you still stay at home, clean the apartment, throw out old clothes and trash, wash the floor, exercise yourself, shovel snow in the winter, work in the garden in the summer. This is an excellent cleansing of negative emotions, which, if not thrown out, can explode a person in the most inappropriate situation. The first day is for an outburst of negativity, you can cry and move actively. The following days are for acquiring positive emotions. Remember what brings you extraordinary joy, do it. At work, think about pleasant moments, learn to dream and visualize (imagine) your dream. Can't get away from negativity and receive positive emotions? Accept your pain, admit to yourself that trouble happened to you, and no one is safe from trouble. At the same time, learn to receive positive emotions not from one, but from another, not from another, but from a third. Discover new facets of life, try new things. Somewhere there is a loophole to joy. Be active, look for it, without despair, but recognizing your pain from the betrayal
of a loved one.
After all, it’s stupid to say that nothing happened, but it’s also not worth killing yourself with negative destructive emotions because of what happened, and anger
, resentment, fear, guilt - these are all destructive emotions.
again ,
betrayal is a challenge to self-esteem.
And you need to take care of her first. It is important to understand here that they changed it
, not because you are not good at something
, but for other reasons.
Perhaps you are simply not suitable for each other, and your chosen one does not value your relationship, there are people who cannot help but cheat, and perhaps the seducer has tried very hard to achieve his goal. Instill in yourself the idea that you changed, not because you are bad, but because they could not appreciate you adequately. If it were someone else in your place, the betrayal would also have happened.
Remember more often any compliments, praise from loved ones or at work, especially from boyfriends that you have ever received in life. For therapy purposes, ask your loved one to tell you what they especially like about you. If you record this on a tape recorder and listen to it, it will be absolutely wonderful. Do more often the things that you are especially good at, admire the fruits of your labor, admire yourself. The best cure for betrayal
of a loved one is your favorite business and activity. Lucky are those who have a job that they can completely immerse themselves in. Otherwise, find yourself a hobby. It’s great if it leads to new acquaintances and meetings. Set life goals, distant and immediate, personal, work, family. This will give you and your life special value and significance.
Try to replace the emptiness of losing a loved one or trust in him with the fullness of life. Very often, when a woman breaks up, she begins to gain weight rapidly; she feels the emptiness of losing a loved one, and then she becomes depressed when she looks in the mirror. A number of others drink away the emptiness, trying to escape despair with the help of alcohol. These are destructive actions. The emptiness from the loss of a loved one needs to be filled, but not with alcohol or food.
As soon as negative emotions arise, immediately switch to activity or just daydream. Close your eyes and visualize your dream, imagine it. This is also an activity, active, healing, an activity of imagination. Speaking of visualization. If you want to quickly forget the traitor
(tsu), sit comfortably in a chair, leaning on its back, relax, close your eyes, imagine his (her) face, body.
If it is beautiful, change the image to ugly, if he (she) turned out to be tall, then make him short, if he (she) is fat, then make his image thin etc. change the qualities of a traitor
to the opposite.
Then shrink its image until it turns into a dot and destroy it. Visualization can also be done with images of sex scenes if they haunt you. ©The author of the article you are now reading, Nadezhda Khramchenko/
As a rule, they suffer from physical infidelity
, and the person who was treated this way may begin to have strong feelings about his appearance. But, firstly, appearance is not everything, we all get old, it changes very quickly, and secondly, every person has something very significant and important for his loved ones. Please think about your qualities for which you can be loved and appreciated, and be sure to take care of your appearance. Physical exercise, swimming, is great for both men and women. Changing your eating habits to healthy ones will also lead to good vitality. Hairstyle, jewelry, and properly selected cosmetics will transform any woman. For a man, changing his style will give him confidence.
Now why not flirt and experiment with your sexuality. For a woman it is important to feel desired, and for a man to be a conqueror and no betrayal
should not destroy and destroy human life. Even if age and the mirror tell you to give up, you need to regain your sense of self-worth, significance, and move towards fulfillment in your life and damn sexy attractiveness.
Do not neglect the help of a psychologist.
When you share your pain with others, they are drawn to give advice.
It just so happened. The psychologist accepts you and your difficult situation as you are. I can give professional advice individually to get out of this depressing state and recover. You also have the opportunity to take a course of personal work with me so as not to find yourself in similar circumstances again. You can sign up for
a consultation at a
psychologist’s
, at your
home
,
on Skype ,
by phone ,
here =>=>=>
Those who have lost their wings are afraid to fall in love,
But they must rise above the fear of loss.”
Jahan Poplyeva
12/17/2013 Khramchenko Nadezhda
Don't dramatize the situation after cheating
It is very important not only to control your thoughts, but also your words. In the heat of passion, you can tell a man a lot of things that will later be used against you. Having given him a huge scandal, be prepared for the fact that he will call you hysterical and make you guilty of his infidelity.
No matter how painful it may be, try to avoid conversations on the topic of betrayal, scandals and reproaches. You will do all this later, a little later, when the guilty will have to answer for their actions, and your pain will subside a little.
Stages of experience
There are three main stages of experiencing the betrayal of a loved one. Every woman who is faced with her husband’s betrayal goes through them. Each stage is like a step towards accepting and understanding the situation that has happened:
- State of shock. The woman “falls into a stupor”; aggression and hysteria are often observed. Emotions begin to go off scale, my wife is in great pain and hardship.
- Acceptance of reality. When the “storm of emotions” subsides, it is replaced by acceptance of reality. The woman is still angry and agitated, but more clearly aware of the situation. Now she must deal with everything and decide what to do next.
- Recovery. When the pain has subsided, but still “presses from within.” It gradually becomes easier. At this stage, the woman decides to start living again.
No need to compare yourself to your lover
Another big mistake of women who have experienced infidelity is comparing themselves to their mistress. You absolutely cannot do this! She may be 5, 10, 20 years younger. May have a perfect figure and a beautiful face. Or be older than your man and not very attractive. None of this matters.
The important thing is that this woman has no moral principles and is most likely very lonely at heart, since she has to date married or unfree men. This fact alone speaks volumes about her level of consciousness and self-esteem.
What to do if a man realized and asked for forgiveness after cheating
After the pain has subsided a little, you will want to talk to him - the culprit of your condition. To understand his intentions, it is worth starting an honest and calm conversation. Understand what he wants from life. Does he repent for his actions? Are you ready to beg for your forgiveness in order to preserve your union?
If the answer is yes, and you want to save the family, then give the two of you time to be alone. It is not necessary to go to different houses. Abstract yourself morally. Think about whether you are able to forget what happened and move on. Remember that every person can make a mistake, but after the first time, he will think about how to prevent this from happening again.
Behavior strategy
Despite the fact that it is incredibly difficult to remain sober and cool, in a situation where it has just become known about your spouse’s infidelity, this is the only option.
Even justified resentment and justified anger are not the best advisers. Therefore, for the first few days after a terrible event, it is advisable to keep a distance from the “object of the disaster,” that is, the spouse. You can temporarily move in with your parents/friends. Or at least emotionally “close yourself” if you have to be in the same house with him. If the husband cheats and does not confess, but this is definitely true, his revelations will not actually solve anything, so you can act regardless of his silence.
Next, you need to understand the reasons for the betrayal, in addition to the factor that he is a terrible person, as it rightly seems at this time. Then you need to analyze the situation - is it possible, is it necessary to preserve the relationship, or is there a separation ahead (and it may take more than one week to decide everything). And act accordingly (further recommendations, by the way, also apply to men, their lives after their wife’s betrayal).
If he fell in love with her and wants to leave
The situation is completely opposite to the previous one. If, after cheating, a man has suddenly lost interest in you, is in no hurry to ask for forgiveness and does not repent of his actions, then there is no better way than to show him the door.
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You shouldn't hold on to someone who doesn't value you. For someone who doesn’t understand the pain he causes to a woman. For someone who just doesn't love you. Free yourself from it as from something old and unnecessary in your life. A person has made his choice and wants to take a different path, do not interfere with him in this. And go in the other direction, towards your new happiness, love and joy!
