July 23, 2021 Useful tips, Business psychology
Falling into a state of despair is not just an unfortunate accident of our lives, it is the right of every person. The right to natural emotions, the right to weakness, the right to accept outside help or stop what you’re doing and be alone. A few months ago on Facebook, my followers and I talked about how differently everyone goes through this condition: someone begins to fight despair and wins (or not), someone is afraid of it and seeks to deny it, someone humbly accepts it. Opinions were divided, and a heap of living examples gathered. We have compiled something like a cheat sheet for you, which you can look at when your strength is leaving you, and it seems that there is no light.
How do you feel when things don't work out? It’s not just that it doesn’t work out, but when all your actions are correct, thoughtful, planned, proven effective, from which you expect a “wow!” effect, but the result is zero. Not a drop, not a teaspoon - exactly zero.
Sometimes, even with a fairly sound mind and sober way of thinking, such a trip is enough to plunge into despair.
How do we feel when we despair?
- Depreciation
All past experience ceases to matter.
At these moments I fall apart in half. The brain is capable of bringing up a variety of arguments and proposing plan A, B, and how much more is needed to overcome the crisis. But there is always a small part of me that squeezes into my knees and shoulders, covers my head with my paws and thinks one thought: “everything is lost.”
In this state, we tend to cross out everything, burn all our bridges.
First I check that I did everything correctly. I did. Then I freak out and think about going to work as a shawarma seller.
- Lost
We don’t understand where we are, the foundation disappears, the basis on which we can rely.
If something goes wrong, if I do a lot and the result is zero, then for some time I row by inertia, telling myself that everything is about to turn out the way I imagined. And then I realize that “just about” hasn’t happened for a long time, and I turn into moral dust. At these moments I don’t think anything good either about myself or about the future.
- Brokenness
Despair also affects your well-being. Fatigue comes from nowhere, and you may suddenly get sick. This is psychosomatics.
- No future
It is very difficult to make plans and hope for something when everything is falling out of your hands and the ground is crumbling under your feet.
My despair is always tragic. It goes beyond business and extends to life, which becomes meaningless and unnecessary, despite high spiritual teachings and the acceptance that it is all just a game of the ego.
- Panic
For those who are accustomed to regular victories, it is especially difficult to come to terms with despair - chaotic actions begin on the principle of “doing at least something, just don’t stop.”
I begin to ask myself questions, torment, analyze and engage in other types of masochism.
- Loneliness
We are not used to being weak, and showing that we are desperate, it seems inconvenient to us. Most often, people despair when they are alone.
Each of us thinks that he is the only one. The rest are all so positive and successful, and I’m a toy terrier!) But we gathered here and said that there are many of us, we are like this, and this does not stop us from being cool in what we do!
- Humility
We allow despair to take over all our thoughts and time, we fall into it completely and stew in it.
I’m terribly despairing, and I’m going into a deep, deep minus, that I don’t know how and can’t do anything, and I don’t have a profession, and there’s nothing, and everything is bad in all areas.
Questions for a psychologist
Hello, Love!
Thank you for such a deep and complex question. Of course, I wanted to ask clarifying questions before giving an answer. How old are you? Do you have a family? Since I don't have that information, I'll give a general answer.
The state you are describing is called an “existential crisis.” Such a crisis, as a rule, is characterized by the experience of loss of meaning in life, despair, fear, very often this is accompanied by despondency, lack of faith in oneself, a feeling of one’s own worthlessness, and the feeling that nothing can be corrected. This is exactly how you describe your state - “desperation from the inability to fix something, fear of making any further movement.” That is, complete lack of self-confidence. In this state, we are afraid to take a step, afraid to make even the slightest mistake, and if we do, then we are overcome by a huge feeling of guilt, paralyzing, excessive.
And here I would place the main emphasis on the following: our life cannot be filled only with successes and victories. There is a concept of “good mistakes”. This does not mean that it is good when we make mistakes, but making mistakes is an inevitable part of our lives. We live, move, turn and encounter things. It's just life. And here it would be appropriate to remember Viktor Frankl, the founder of logotherapy, that is, therapy with meaning. He said: “Don’t wonder what you want from life. Try to answer the question that life asks you.”
He said “Yes to life,” to the life that exists. And it can be very different. In a crisis, it sometimes seems difficult and unbearable, but in these dark days we need to start somewhere. And you need to start by forgiving yourself and all your mistakes. Because forgiveness is followed by acceptance, support and resource. And then we can endure what life gives us and be able to answer the question that it poses to us.
And then amazing changes and transformations occur. And then those trials that seemed unbearable to us (this often happens to people who have to go through a crisis of loss or illness), turn out, on the contrary, to be a deep resource that allows us to sympathize with others and help others.
Thus, living through an existential crisis leads us to new, higher meanings of our lives. And I am sure that in your life, too, (despite its perhaps objective, perhaps subjective difficulties), there is probably a lot of good in the past, in the present, and, of course, in the future.
And if you try to forgive yourself for mistakes the way the Lord forgives us, you will follow his call to “Love your neighbor as yourself,” that is, accept yourself as you would another. If you try to stand on your own side and see yourself through the eyes of a friend. Warm, kind, real and loving. I am sure that a new breath will open in you, and life will give you new opportunities.
All the best.
Where does despair come from?
Recognizing the problem and understanding its nature is almost half of the solution. During the discussion, we found out that despair and its accompanying conditions have specific causes. Everyone has their own, but knowing them, you can carry out prevention and, at a minimum, not be surprised at the moment of despair. So why do we despair?
- Little experience
When we are just at the start of a project, there are still a lot of rosy expectations, which often have nothing to do with reality. Beginning freelancers and entrepreneurs despair much more and more often. If you process these moments correctly, a natural reaction is formed that helps you cope.
- Little real response to activity
Experts whose activities involve working online, remote consultants, and, perhaps, all freelancers, have to go through a period at the beginning of their journey when it is not clear how the end user feels about your work.
You do something, you do it, and you don’t have the slightest idea what is happening from your actions with others, and whether it is happening at all. And at times you think that everything, nothing worked out, nothing worked out.
- Perfectionism
The refusal to accept halftones, the desire to do only perfectly and not well enough, the desire to be the best in everything has driven many specialists into deep despair who are not accustomed to measuring success in intermediate results.
- Lack of an unshakable base
Interlocutors describe despair as falling into the unknown. We easily give in to the desire to give up and give up everything when we do not have a solid foundation under our feet in our activities.
If possible, every day do at least some small thing (whatever you have enough moral strength to do) for the main task.
- Intolerance
Even if we accept despair, we want everything to start getting better the minute we accept it.
It often turns out that you just had to wait a little - because it was not zero, but a delayed result. Not immediately, but over time. But I already have time to collapse into despair.
How to learn patience and overcome extreme despair?
Good afternoon Regardless of the cause of despondency, the most important remedy is prayer. Christ in his Gospel calls to himself “those who labor and are heavy laden,” promising them rest. Moreover, He did not take joy with Him, but left it to us in His Gospel and Church. Divine services and especially confession and communion help to heal despondency, because there should be no place for it in the church. And church sacraments directly act against demonic temptations, especially the sacrament of confession and communion, eliminating their cause. During confession, a person lays aside the burden of sins, and the soul, having been cleansed of the burdens of sin, becomes lighter and more cheerful.
You should know that demons really are the cause of despondency, since they themselves, like fallen angels, constantly remain in this state and have no consolation in communication with God, since they have fallen away from Him. And their only joy is the spread of sins, and, in particular, these sins of sadness and despondency. Every person has free will and, accordingly, the opportunity to repent and change himself, to come to God.
Simple physical labor can also help. It is clear that there is little strength, and a discouraged person is not always capable of work, but one must force oneself and work even when it seems that it does not bring any results. The fact is that work slowly puts the body in order, and then the spirit. And you should start with the simplest thing - with cleaning. From establishing physical and hygienic cleanliness around you. And satisfaction from the cleanliness around will force you to put your soul in order, cleansing it with repentance and prayer.
St. John Climacus writes: “Of all eight representatives of evil, the spirit of despondency is the oppressive one.” And if for every sinful passion there is a virtue that overcomes it, then there is no such weapon against despondency. And if gluttony can be overcome by abstinence, pride by humility, and love of money by non-covetousness, then it is difficult and difficult to fight against despondency. According to the Holy Fathers, despondency settles in the soul of someone who, being strongly attached to earthly things and immersed in sensual pleasures, has completely forgotten about his eternal soul. And that means, in order to overcome despondency, you need to intensify your prayer and work, and first of all, put things in order in your goals and desires. Think carefully, if something doesn’t work out for you, maybe you don’t need it?
And for home prayer, I advise you to read the Psalter. Especially the first and second kathismas. God bless you.
How to overcome despair
Enough has been written about the destructiveness of the newly adopted laws in Ukraine for human freedoms. Therefore, today let’s talk about a topical, but somewhat informal topic for us - how to avoid despair and depression under the influence of what is happening. Advice is given by Gay Alliance Ukraine psychologist Valentina Gladun.
Despair is a state when the current situation seems hopeless. And this state is absolutely unproductive. A person who falls into despair feels unable to act because he begins to have difficulty thinking. How to prevent such a stupor?
Adequate rest
Stress, lack of sleep and time to rest increase nervous exhaustion and, accordingly, lead to worsening negative experiences. This is why it is so important to reduce the impact of stress.
Lack of sleep makes you emotionally vulnerable and makes it difficult to make good decisions, so try to get enough sleep. A walk in the fresh air, music or a warm bath can help you fall asleep on time.
You should be very careful about consuming foods high in caffeine: coffee, tea, energy drinks and chocolate. No matter what happens around you, learn to tell yourself “stop” at a certain moment and take a break. Who knows, maybe in the morning the despair will subside a little, and you will be able to find the right solutions for yourself.
Communication
If situations arise that make you doubt the reality of what is happening and plunge you into shock, communication will become your main tool that brings you back to earth. Discuss everything that is happening with friends and family, or just acquaintances - this will help you cope with the negative feelings overwhelming you and feel supported.
Carry on
Whatever happens, try not to think that the situation is hopeless. No matter how hard it gets, keep moving and don't stop your normal activities. What you love to do will help you. Just don’t do something difficult or forceful. Hard physical work helps some people forget, while others distract themselves from unnecessary thoughts through shopping. Think about what might work well for you?
Let go of guilt
Do you scold yourself and blame yourself for doing something wrong? It is possible that you actually made a mistake. Even a lot of mistakes. But, in any case, never think badly of yourself. Everything that happens to you is your life experience. Turn the page of today, because tomorrow what has passed will no longer exist. And you will stay, so love yourself and learn to respect yourself.
Perhaps you have experienced similar situations before. If so, remember how you managed to get out of a depressed state then. And think about how you can avoid negative manifestations in the future and how to protect yourself from troubles even in stalemate situations. Remember that you should take care of your psyche.
Author:
Gay Alliance Ukraine
