Probably every woman can remember a situation when, some time after a breakup, a man appeared in her life again. This happens in different ways: someone simply starts with a check “hello, how are you?”, and someone immediately moves on to an apology and asks to take him back. And here a woman faces a difficult choice: should she trust the person she once had to break up with? Has he changed? Is he telling the truth about his feelings? Let's look into these issues.
- Why exes come back: what is the reason for unexpected appearances
- How to react to the return of your ex: are there any prospects?
- How to respond to an ex who suddenly appeared in your life
Why exes come back: what is the reason for unexpected appearances
As you know, this is a massive phenomenon, which means there must be clear patterns and reasons. Of course, it will not be possible to cover the entire diversity of human relationships in either one or millions of articles. But we will try to highlight several general criteria. So, why do ex-men come back?
Reason 1. The man rested and looked at you in a new way
The reason will depend to some extent on how your relationship with the person was when you were a couple. Who was in charge in the relationship, who “allowed themselves to be loved”?
Often the situation goes like this: a woman is overheated, she thinks about the man more often than he thinks about her, she herself advocates some kind of joint leisure, she gets very bored when they are not together, etc. And the man, in turn, behaves more distantly . Someone justifies this by the characteristics of the “male character”, they say that they are not too emotional, this is nature. But most often this happens because a woman simply “needs more.” She's really more interested in this relationship. And at some point she simply begins to put too much pressure on the man, there is too much of her, she wants to be completely his, to take up all his time.
Why would an ex-man suddenly show up?
Life doesn't stop when you break up with someone. It continues for both you and your ex. This means that during the breakup he was doing something: building new relationships, earning money or having fun, restoring old connections or establishing new ones. Life is constantly spinning, it doesn’t stand still. And, if for some reason the ex-man got in touch again, there were serious reasons. What could have happened to him while there was no news?
- He couldn't find anyone for himself. A common situation: while you are together, you are not appreciated. And it seems to the man that when you break up, he will immediately find someone better. In reality, he has to admit that few people need him. Having pushed around from one attempt to another, he realizes that the separation was in vain. And it doesn’t matter on whose initiative. Even if it was you who abandoned him, he may realize that he made too little effort and was completely in vain in not keeping you.
- I compared and realized that there is no one better than you. It also happens that after a breakup, a man quite actively conquers women’s hearts. Only gradually does he begin to realize that he is missing something. Something is missing from your relationship with him. For example, this is home comfort, understanding at a glance, the same views and hobbies. In a word, he has had his fill and now wants to return to his former measured happiness.
- Nostalgia has set in. It happens that everything is good in life, and the new woman completely satisfies in all aspects, and there is nothing more to wish for. But he is drawn to the past. At least for a little bit, for a day or a week, go back to the times when you and him had something in common. True, such desires are unstable and quickly pass.
- Problems with self-esteem. This is a purely psychological problem: the ex-man appears specifically to show himself and others his own importance. To demonstrate, so to speak, the “trophy” - the woman he once conquered, once possessed, she needed. This usually happens due to dissatisfaction with the current relationship in which he seems to be undervalued.
- Raging pride. And finally, the man wants to appear in your life again, perhaps to show how much he has achieved. Most often this happens to offended abandoned boys. The resentment is so strong that when such an emotionally unstable type achieves at least something in life, he must show it off. You just turn up the arm. It’s a nice thing to please your vanity and pride: “You didn’t appreciate me, but I’m such a great guy; suffer now that you have realized who you have lost.”
Every situation is good in some way and bad in some way at the same time. But, again, these are precisely the situations that push you to reappear in the life of an ex-woman. What is called "motivation". What about specific goals and actions? What might such impulses lead to? This issue requires separate discussion.
How to react to the return of your ex: are there any prospects?
The chances of taking and building a wonderful and lasting relationship the second time are very small. Many couples go through this stage several times. They converge and disperse endlessly, causing wry smiles from mutual friends.
If the reason your ex comes back is that he just took a break from you and now perceives everything differently, then there is a high probability that he will be “tired” again. It is unlikely that you have changed significantly during this time, or radically changed your model of communication with partners. In such situations, most often, after some time, everything returns to its original state: the woman is again more active, demands more attention and time from the man, and he is passive and cold. At first, such a man does not understand why he broke up with you in the first place. And then he doesn’t understand why he got back together.
If the whole point is to repress negative memories, then the picture is approximately the same. Having returned to a relationship, keeping only pleasant moments in memory, a person again steps on the same old rake. The problems have not gone away. If you didn't have a common language before, you didn't magically acquire one after a breakup. The same conflicts and quarrels are repeated, the man realizes why he broke up with you the first time.
Do you think that in your case the reason is that the man saw you “on horseback” and regretted everything? Then the prospects are even more cloudy. Life together does not consist of moments of your strength, beauty and impeccability. Sometimes you will cry, get sick, lie in bed, feel sad and hate the world - all this can happen to you. And where then will be the same man who thought about you only when you were at your best? Are you sure he won't run away again and leave you to sort out all your problems on your own?
It’s not for nothing that marriage vows contain a line about “sorrow and joy” and “sickness and health.” A reliable partner will always love you.
Why does a man want to come back in the end?
A man can also leave and then try to return to the woman. He does this because so far this woman suits him more than those whom he still knows. Since a man can rarely be lonely, he still looks for that breast that he can lean against.
However, quite often a man leaves the one to whom he returned. This will happen sooner or later, when the problems that caused the lovers to separate in the first place arise again in the relationship. After all, returning is not a solution to the problem that caused the partners to break up. If the lovers reconciled, but did not eliminate the problem that caused them to separate, then separation will happen again.
The man will come back and then leave again. This suggests that he is actually looking for temporary comfort, and not a permanent beloved whom he misses. You can make a mistake the first time. But if a repeated breakup occurs, then you definitely shouldn’t get back together a second time. A man no longer values the feelings of that woman whom, like a boomerang, he throws him away and then brings him back. This means that he does not perceive her at all as a person who needs to be respected.
Source:
https://prettysecrets.ru/zachem-vozvrashhayutsya-byvshie-muzhchiny
How to live on
Many women who have gone through a divorce find it difficult to focus on anything other than their own feelings and experiences.
In such situations, you need to follow the recommendations of psychologists:
- Do not take revenge on your ex-husband by cheating on him or starting a new affair. This behavior is not worthy of an adult, self-confident woman; rather, it looks like a selfish attempt by a stupid girl to spite her ex.
- You should not be particularly persistent in returning your husband. Pressure, threats, attempts to make people feel sorry for you - such methods will only push you away.
- You should share your experiences only with the closest people. It is absolutely not necessary for strangers to know how your ex-spouse treated you. If you complain to everyone about your husband, do not expect that he will happily decide to return; on the contrary, he will try to stay as far away as possible.
- Find something interesting to do to avoid depression or self-doubt. Improve yourself, find a new hobby, immerse yourself in your favorite job - self-realization in any of these areas will make you feel happy, successful, and calm.
- Do not be disappointed in love, be able to experience this feeling in the future. Don’t become callous and closed to people, even after experiencing the betrayal of your loved one, don’t lose faith in people.
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What to do if a man abandoned two or three children?
It is necessary to resist the desire to protect them from communication with their father. Don't talk bad things about your father to your children and don't even try to manipulate your children to force your husband to return.
It is important for children to know that both parents love them.
Having your husband visit your children is another option to rekindle the relationship. The main thing is to show your departed husband that both the children and you love him.
Strong women should not wonder how to move on with their lives if their husbands leave. A self-sufficient person can endure any, even the most unpleasant, life changes with dignity.
Why do exes come back? Let's start thinking logically
Initially, you need to realize that men, even when they have not been with you for a long time, deep down in their souls subconsciously consider you their property. He sees that you have lost interest in him. Previously, you asked your friends about his affairs, “accidentally” visited the same place where he was “all so beautiful,” and often went to his Instagram page. Now he lost sight of you, and he also saw a handsome man next to you.
So, the thought sleeping in the subconscious turns into a scream. He must prove to you and those around you that you still belong to him, and nothing else.
He wants to see your emotions. Moreover, both options will be good: both love and hatred. If you still love him, then he’s such an irresistible man, it’s impossible to forget him. If you hate him, it’s also pride, he is such a fatal handsome man that he left a mark on your heart forever.
Why do husbands leave the family?
“All happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” These words of L. Tolstoy very accurately characterize the complexity of the relationship between two people
Without a painstakingly collected “history”, it is difficult to identify the reason that prompts a particular man to pack his things and leave (no matter - to his mistress or “to nowhere”). One thing is clear - this is a consequence of unresolved conflicts in the family
When problems accumulate like a snowball, without achieving a positive outcome.
Of course, a complete break in relationships is a fairly radical way out of a family crisis. But not every person can boast of a “reserve” of patience and wisdom, which are so necessary to solve problems in relationships. If the words “I’m leaving” sounded like a bolt from the blue to you, not only the very moment of a crisis situation in the family, but also the point of no return has been missed.
Let's figure out why a man cheats and, as a result, leaves his family for his mistress?
Marriage is a great responsibility for each partner. Some men, due to their character or the attitudes they learned from childhood, are not psychologically ready to bear this “burden” - taking care of loved ones, solving routine problems. And it's not always about age. Even fully mature men are not ready for marriage. They only need freedom without responsibility for children and relationships.
An affair “on the side” does not burden you and gives you a storm of positive emotions. But most likely, even if he leaves for his mistress, a psychologically immature man will not find happiness. History will repeat itself - he will leave the new woman as soon as she begins to encroach on his freedom.
When the “weather in the house” is continuous thunderstorms and downpours, a man will look for a person with whom he feels calm and comfortable. And his mistress may well become his best friend, who will listen and support.
Perhaps the husband will want to leave the family forever if not everything is going well at home and he cannot restore peace in his relationship with his wife.
Before marriage, you thought that “love will survive all obstacles”
But it is important to take into account one more point - the life values of each partner. This is one of the most difficult obstacles to overcome on the path to family happiness.
Incompatibility of goals can manifest itself in everything: in the desire or unwillingness to have children, in the choice of housing, in a suitable standard of living.
If compromises regarding basic life goals are not found before marriage, family relationships will face serious challenges. A man can find the woman with whom he is “on the same path”, who initially shares his life values.
Some men consider the stability and regularity of family life to be a disadvantage. Not everyone can meekly “pull the burden” of monotonous family relationships. Some people like bright emotions, relationships filled with adrenaline and passion. A man begins to cheat, or maybe even leave his wife for a new partner in search of thrills.
According to psychologists, it is family routine that often becomes the cause of divorce during one of the crisis periods that all marriages go through (1 year, 3 years, 7 years, 15 years and more than 20 years together). Instead of overcoming relationship difficulties with his wife, the man prefers a simpler solution to the problem - leaving. Perhaps he does not understand that even with his mistress he will very soon become “bored” and face everyday difficulties.
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Psychologist L. Ermakova in her book “Overcoming Divorces” identifies another possible reason for a husband’s leaving the family - difficult relationships with relatives (her own or a partner’s). Sometimes serious struggles unfold on the basis of “clan” conflicts. Not everyone is able to be more flexible in their relationships with relatives, hence the numerous problems in the family, which sometimes you want to escape from.
Partners change in marriage. Before the wedding, it seems that the loved one is ideal, but life makes its own adjustments - both the husband and wife show their true character traits, and all their shortcomings and bad habits begin to emerge. Against this background, the saddest outcome is possible - complete disappointment in each other.
What changes in a wife might a husband not accept? Coldness and aloofness in relationships, unkempt appearance, attempts to dominate, excessive care. Every problem can be solved, but sometimes there is no strength or desire to get out of the crisis that has arisen. When a man realizes that he is not living with “the” woman he once knew, he can make a radical decision - to leave.
