The ability to let go. What does it mean to let go

Dear readers, today my guest is Irina, author of the blog “Surprises for Her Husband.” Today she kindly provided us with the article “Learn to Let People Go.”

Irina from the Belarusian city of Zhlobin. She is currently on leave to care for her little son and is about to go back to work. She majors in management and loves to work with documents or the computer. He is interested in psychology, English, swimming, and adheres to a healthy diet.

That's what she says. This is my first website and it will soon be 2 years old. It is devoted primarily to the most discussed topic - the relationship between a man and a woman. This topic worries, has worried and will worry all those who want to build, if not ideal, but at least close to ideal relationships, create a happy family and, most importantly, maintain warm feelings for each other until old age. Here you can find useful tips for all occasions. Today we are talking about how to learn to let people go.

Why don't we let go

We usually think like this: if it’s mine, then I’ll love it. And if this ceases to be mine, then you need to feel some kind of negativity towards it, you need to somehow make it clear that if you are not mine, then I won’t love you either. And we begin to prove that what ceases to be ours is unworthy of our love.

If I succeed, if there is a chance of success, then I will want it. If a person loves me, I will stay with him and love him. If the situation is favorable for me, then I will be complacent, and if it causes negative emotions in me, then again I need to prove to someone that this is not possible, deal with it, and leave it like that.

And then we don’t let go - we fight and prove or just quietly suffer in the role of a victim. However, struggle attracts new reasons for fighting, suffering - new suffering. And love attracts only love. And the order is exactly this - first we love, and then it comes to us, and not the other way around. But we usually are not spiritually generous enough to simply love those who do not love us, to be kind to those who cannot show this kindness, so as not to spare energy on desires that it is not clear whether they will come true at all.

How to learn to let go

“Learn to let go - this is the secret of happiness.” - said Buddha. The art of letting go is the secret to moving forward. By holding on to the past, we pull ourselves back, tie ourselves to the past, to what no longer exists. We think this is important, perhaps too important. How to forget, you ask? No way! There is no need to forget, there is a need to ACCEPT. And as long as something keeps us in the past, we have not accepted it. Acceptance causes resistance in us. Acceptance for us equates to agreement with what happened, but we cannot agree with it. And we continue to hold what happened in our hearts and heads, without forgiving or letting go. For if I let go, then it’s as if I’m betraying myself, it’s as if I’m agreeing. At the same time, the fact or event still happened, but so far we have not agreed with it internally. This is a unique way of “secret power” over events - while I don’t accept, I leave the option that it could be somehow different. I “hold” the past in my hand. Until I let go, it is in my power. True, we do not notice that it is not in our power, but in his power. It still regulates our lives and we are not the ones who decide.

And the paradox is that it seems to us that we are doing this out of “self-love” - we hold and do not forgive, for example, but this is real disrespect for ourselves! What am I living in? In suspense? In “righteous” anger? In sadness? Despondent? In control? Am I defending my right to live my life this way? The problem is that we often perceive the word “letting go” as a break and final loss. We had personal expectations of benefit or a specific outcome from a person or situation, and this did not happen. But something else happened! But we don’t even see what happened, we are only interested in what didn’t happen. By clinging only to the desired result, we do not see the incredible number of possibilities and options. It's like coming to a luxurious banquet where the most exquisite dishes are served and asking the waiter to bring you semolina porridge. — We don’t have semolina porridge, but we have lobsters and lobsters! - No, give me semolina porridge! On Mondays I always eat semolina porridge. — Maybe you’ll try something special today? - No! I know the taste of semolina, but I don’t know what your lobsters are. - Don't want to find out? - NO! GIVE ME SEMONA PORRIDGE!

Often Life, like a patient and courteous waiter, several times offers us something “new and tasty,” but we decided that on Mondays we have semolina porridge. I decided to be sad! How can you just go for a walk and not have internal dialogues with the offender? Give me my semolina porridge! What if I go for a walk and forget about the offense? No, you can’t be distracted for a minute here. We have to be vigilant, otherwise they will bring some kind of “lobster”. And what to do with them? I know what to do with semolina porridge. I am a master of semolina porridge! I am a champion at spreading semolina porridge on a plate.

The art of letting go does not require incredible effort or skill. We should not distance ourselves, stop communicating, we should not move to live on another planet and erase all phone numbers. We can even sometimes eat “semolina porridge” for pleasure. We just need to see that we ourselves decide what we fill our lives with. Will there be a banquet? Shall we try lobster? After all, while we believe that there is no choice, there is none! We cling very much to one of the sides, to one of the options in this dispute with Life. We declare so confidently that we know how it should be and how it should be right. With our resentment we are trying to “teach life” to Life itself. After all, she doesn’t know what she’s doing... What kind of banquets are there when the offender has not yet realized his guilt, for example? How is it to let him go? How does it feel to stop suffering? How to look into the Future? What if everything happens again there? Here, at least I’ve already settled down, as they say, in this cozy “fifth point of my life” and have already hung up the wallpaper and installed the Internet.

The art of letting go does not require, it offers... There are no guarantees that it will not happen again. But if we don’t master the art of letting go, we ourselves will repeat this over and over again in our heads and hearts.

This is a subtle and complex topic, but so important if we want to live happily and live our Life. My dear girls, I invite you to arrange a real “banquet” of opportunities in the Great Women’s Protective Circle and solemnly let go of “semolina” from your Life.

So, what could lobster be anyway?

What does it mean to let go

To let go, you need to have the courage to admit that yes, I love it, I want it, but I'm not afraid that I won't have it. Life is wise, and if I don’t have it, then I don’t need it, but now thinking about it makes me feel warm, and I like it, so I allow myself to experience it, allow myself to love. And this is also the answer to the question of how you can let a person go.

After all, in fact, no conditions are needed to love or to support any idea. Love is not weakness, but strength when we understand that we ourselves make this choice - to love or reject. And if, despite all the difficulties, we allow ourselves to love, believe me, it always finds a response in the Universe. That’s why they say: let it go – if it’s yours, it will come back. Because they always return to those who are easy-going, generous and do not set any conditions.

Lastly useful practice

When you get your heart broken, you may feel like you won't love or connect with other people again. But that's not true. You can return to the feeling of love and happiness. Here's an exercise you can do:

Stay alone, sit comfortably in a chair/on the floor/on the sofa. Eliminate extraneous noise and bright light.
Close your eyes and concentrate. Where do you feel the ability to love lies?
Find this place and focus on it.
Now imagine that there is a glow emanating from this place. Point it at the dog/cat/flower/wall.
What do you want now?

Photo by Timur Romanov on Unsplash
Surely now you feel the urge to clean up, replant a flower, walk the dog, feed the cat (depending on where you directed your light). Do this practice daily, and happiness and love will replace pain and resentment.

Now do you understand how important it is to let someone go? If yes, then you have already passed half the way. All that is required of you next is not to resist.

Be able to say “thank you.” When a person leaves, you do not lose, but gain. Every person in life is an invaluable experience. Even if now you feel only pain and suffering, do not complain and do not curse fate.

Take all these painful feelings as an opportunity to become a better version of yourself, stop getting attached to people, grow above yourself and learn to build harmonious and happy relationships. Put yourself at the center of your world. People come and go, but you are with you for life.

Not to be confused with the victim

Of course, this feeling must be distinguished from sacrificial love, when we just give and give, love for years, but receive nothing in return. This again means that a person chooses to be a victim, to suffer in such an aura of altruism, although in fact everything is still mixed up with fear, self-doubt, disbelief that he deserves better, the inability to desire more, develop and strive for it.

When we let go correctly, but what we let go does not come back, we eventually switch to something else, the object of our desires loses its relevance and we find something real for ourselves. After all, when we let go, we continue to live, enjoy life, we move on, and gradually all new impressions and experiences naturally replace what was once so important to us.

And on the contrary, if we continue to hold on to the object of our torment, denying, trying to forget, devalue, then it can torment us indefinitely. After all, it is we ourselves who hold on to it - without letting go.

No one forces us to suffer - it is always our choice. Yes, there are situations when suffering is inevitable, the first reaction to what happened, for example. But then it’s up to us whether we stop at this or make an effort and start looking for something good in life. Let's begin to be filled with love, forgive, accept and let go in the end and move on, which will definitely lead us to new happiness.

It takes effort, but it is these choices we make that will determine how we feel in the future.

How to forget your best friend? Proven advice + Advice from a psychologist

05/16/2020 Admin

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Friendship is a rather complex phenomenon by its nature, so it is not always possible to understand its features. Forgetting your best friend is more difficult if your friendship with her has lasted long enough. Not only a girl, but also a guy can have a best friend, no matter how controversial the statement is that friendship between a man and a woman cannot exist. A friend understands everything, supports, and can give good advice. Due to banal misunderstandings and less-than-ideal human character, even such strong relationships can collapse.

Understand that both are to blame!
All people grow and change
Remember that time heals!
Understand that the friendship is over!
Cut off all contact with your ex-friend
Find something to do that will distract you
Make yourself happy
Communicate more with other friends, do not close yourself off from society
Find new friends
Conclusions:

Understand that both are to blame!

If it so happens that you have broken off relations with your best friend, then you should accept the fact that both parties are to blame for such a set of circumstances. Perhaps you were too rude, unfair or stubborn somewhere. All this may also apply to a friend who was the best until recently. The conflict can develop so strongly that a person simply does not want to restore friendly relations, because the resentment can be quite strong. You can be friends for a year, two years, ten years - this is not a guarantee that one day the friendship will not be destroyed forever. It happens.

All people grow and change

People tend to progress and develop; as we grow and then age, our life views, priorities and values change. Perhaps your best friend stopped understanding you because you began to see the same things differently. This is a normal phenomenon, but once you understand the essence of this nuance, it will be much easier to forget the person who was your best friend. You just need to come to terms with this set of circumstances and continue to mind your own business. The advice is simple - don’t get hung up on people who don’t value your friendship.

Remember that time heals!

Love and friendship are what every person would like, and many have such an opportunity. If you deliberately broke off contact with your best friend, and are currently experiencing mental suffering, then just try to distract yourself. This is a common phenomenon that thousands of people experience in their lives. You shouldn’t make a significant tragedy out of this, because you should look to the future, where you can find new friends. You will notice how you feel better over time. There is no need to exhaust yourself, as a new friend may turn out to be better than the old two. Look at life positively.

Best friends fight

Understand that the friendship is over!

A common problem for many people is that they are not ready to admit the end of a relationship, trying to save it to the last. This has a direct bearing on friendship between people. If a conflict occurs, after which communication ceases on the initiative of one of the parties, resign yourself. This is a normal phenomenon, you cannot be friends with everyone in this world. People are all different, each of us has our own views on life. After some time, you realize that you shouldn’t have wasted time sorting things out. If the friendship has already ended, then there is no need to renew it. She will never be as strong as before.

Cut off all contact with your ex-friend

When a serious quarrel occurs between friends, for some time they do not want to communicate with each other and intersect. You need to be able to let go of a person and start a new life. Over time, a desire arises to take an interest in the affairs of your former best friend, to find out how things are going at work and in your personal life. If this desire arises, you should control yourself. Remember, if you once decide to stop communicating, then you should stick to your own opinion. Cut off all contacts, forget the person and completely throw him out of your head. If you are not ready to do this, then you feel guilty. In this case, it makes sense to start a dialogue, apologize and improve relations.

Communicating with a person who betrayed you or offended you in some way is disrespect for yourself.

It is for this reason that it is advisable to break off the relationship once and for all. Soon you will be able to notice that interesting people are appearing around you, with whom it is easy to communicate, they are sincere and open. It is friendship with them that will make you a truly happy person. If you constantly return to those who once treated you poorly, then you will not have to count on any favors from fate. Be prepared that you will find yourself in this situation more than once.

Cut off contact with your ex-girlfriend

Find something to do that will distract you

When you feel sad, you need to occupy yourself with something. Think about your hobby. While you were worried, you stopped showing interest in life. Spending time like this is unacceptable, because for each of us it is limited. If you haven't been seriously interested in anything, then it's time to discover a hobby. For example, you might be interested in fishing. It is accompanied by outdoor recreation, field survival skills and much more. If you are a more active person, you can buy a bicycle and go explore the surroundings of your area, region and the entire region. Computer games, the choice of which is now simply huge, will also help you forget your ex-girlfriend.

Make yourself happy

Do not forget that you are a full-fledged person who has every right to be happy. Treat yourself to your favorite dishes, go on a trip, meet friends you haven’t seen for a long time. You'll be surprised how many things make you feel good. Communicating with other people will be extremely useful, as this will allow you to quickly resolve the issue of a failed friendship, forgetting about it forever. Try to maintain your good mood and not be distracted by emotional sadness. This is the only way to fully overcome it and get rid of suffering.

Communicate more with other friends, do not close yourself off from society

You can be friends with different people, but not everyone can establish such close relationships in a short time. After the sad experience of friendship with a representative of the fair sex, it is unacceptable to withdraw into yourself. Some people tend to be self-critical of themselves, they look for shortcomings in themselves, and blame themselves for all problems. If you act this way, you will only achieve a persistent state of depression. Expand your social circle daily, find like-minded people and continue to develop.

Find new friends

You can want a lot from life, but friends should not be a luxury. A lonely person cannot be happy. It is for this reason that you meet new people, spend more time on social networks and do not hesitate to write to the person you like or are interested in.

Conclusions:

A girlfriend or best friend will be a significant person for every person, but sometimes even the strongest relationships collapse. You need to approach this with the understanding that you are not the only one in the world who suffers from this injustice in life.

Psychologist's advice: Don't isolate yourself, spend more time on hobbies and expand your social circle. If you decide to end your friendship, then break off the relationship once and for life, without allowing you to be offended again. Letting go of a person is not as difficult as it seems at first glance. Over time, you will be able to see this for yourself!

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The ability to let go of the situation

Letting go of a situation means stopping worrying about it. Here, again, our fears haunt us - we begin to endlessly scroll through different options for the development of events in our heads, the outcomes seem worse than each other, and, of course, we just can’t let it go.

However, the essence is again the same - when you need to let go of the situation, you need to stop worrying and trust life. We tend to scare ourselves with horror stories, but when we find the strength to believe in the best, then life always has a good option for us too. Often the choice before us comes down to whether we ultimately want to say to ourselves or others “I told you so,” or whether everything will actually turn out well.

Believing in the best, of course, does not mean inaction - of course, we need to do everything in our power to make sure everything is fine.

How to let go of desire

As mentioned above, in order to let go of a desire, you need to not be afraid that it will not come true. You need to continue to live and enjoy life, without postponing your happiness until the moment when this desire is realized, and not make happiness dependent on its fulfillment.

At the same time, there is no need to devalue and reject desire. Let it also warm the soul, be present in thoughts, let there be a desire for it, energy will be invested in it and the impressions from it will be the brightest and most inspiring. And such selfless, unconditional faith in what we want always leads us to the successful achievement of our goals.

How to let go of a loved one?

Thank this person, because he unknowingly taught you something, gave you invaluable experience, his time, his feelings. And continue to live, there is no need to cling to what is already gone, learn to let go. You have changed thanks to this relationship, and new acquaintances and meetings are probably waiting for you.

If you still haven’t decided to take such a step, but are trying to mend a falling apart relationship, by doing this you are slowly killing each other. Apart from deep pain and disappointment in the relationship, it will bring you nothing more. Your relationship will lose value and reverence; it will turn into a sad, shared existence. Every day you and your partner will grow in hostility, irritation and claims towards each other. A series of quarrels, showdowns, a search for those responsible, and everything like that will follow. Believe me, the further you stretch such a relationship, the greater the likelihood that you will part as enemies, full of hatred for each other. This is mentally draining, takes so much of your energy that after breaking up, you are left lifeless and broken.

Relationships should bring you joy and happiness. You should glow with love, your eyes should glow, sparkle with happiness. When it's gone, is it worth continuing? Think about it, does this relationship bring me happiness, ease, joy?

What will help you let go?

Now I want to offer a small exercise with metaphorical cards that will contribute to our ability to let go. I began to make such calculations regularly on my Yandex.Zen and I see that they are popular, so perhaps it will be useful here too.

Let's ask ourselves a question: what will help me let go of a person/situation/desire?

We select a map by fragment, below we find the map in full, a picture and text, and listen to how it responds to us. What stops us from letting go? What thoughts, feelings, associations arise when looking at the map in connection with the voiced request? What internal resource will allow you to let go?

All cards from the deck of metaphorical cards “I know all the secrets.”

Let our ability to let go easily develop more and more over the years, because it really makes life easier and happier.